← The Balance Theory
The Balance Theory
Why Positive Thinking Hasn’t Worked (And What Actually Does) | Marisa Peer
00:42:17
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- [00:03]
Marisa Peer
25 year old Roger, third from the left, gets away at the new world record. You never manifest what you want. You manifest what you really believe you're worth. Today's guest is a world renowned speaker, creator of rapid transformational therapy and best selling author. She unpacks practical tools you can implement
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Erica
today to truly change your life.
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Marisa Peer
Joining me is Marisa Peer.
- [00:28]
Erica
What's the difference with just speaking positively and actually changing?
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Marisa Peer
Positive thinking is I'm going to say I'm great, I'm great, I'm great, I'm great, I'm great. I'm a goddess, I'm a rock star. But I don't believe it in my voice overhead. But you're not a rock star. So we argue with ourselves. We play the only part we've ever known and then we make that part our very own. It's very important to start seeing something different because the way you feel about everything, and I do mean everything, comes down to just two things.
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Erica
It's tricky when you have been raised maybe with key people around you that are sitting in different beliefs.
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Marisa Peer
Oh yeah.
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Erica
That might just project or impose that kind of get in the way of what you're trying to do for yourself. How do you navigate that situation?
- [01:12]
Marisa Peer
Don't do that. That's too risky. Oh, that's not going to work out. Realize they're often saying it out of kindness, but it's their story. It's not for someone to tell you who you are. It's for you to tell them. The mind likes very specific words and they have to make sense. I want more money. Well, here's five dollars. I want love. Well, for how long? An hour or for the rest of your life? And who do you want love with? So often we think we're doing it, but that doesn't give a message to the brain at all.
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Erica
If somebody listens to this episode and does nothing else, what is the one sentence you would want them to say to themselves?
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Marisa Peer
What you will gain from listening to this episode is the keys that allow you to have high self esteem, high self worth and high sense of liking. Because if you haven't got that, you actually haven't got anything.
- [02:07]
Erica
All right, balancers, welcome back to another episode of the Balance Theory. I'm so excited. I've been trying to tee up this interview for a little while now. So I'm very, very grateful to have this guest carve out a little bit of time to sit with me and chat to. Joining me today is Marissa P. Welcome to the show, Marissa.
- [02:23]
Marisa Peer
Thank you.
- [02:23]
Erica
It's really nice to chat with you. I've been following your work for some time now. I've seen you speak at an event before, and I've read your book. So I really align with a lot of the things you speak about, and I think they're so powerful to help people in everyday life make big changes and just understand themselves better. So I really appreciate you sitting with me today.
- [02:42]
Marisa Peer
Thank you.
- [02:44]
Erica
I want to start with something I read in your book, I Am Enough. You spoke about three types of people. Okay. And I think this is very workshoppable. You know, people can really see themselves within these archetypes. So you talk about those who want everything but can't seem to get any of it. The second is those who have a lot but are solely sabotaging or undermining it. And the third is those who manage to rewire their mindset and seem to have it all. Yeah, talk to me about these three categories and where you commonly see your clients or people in general falling.
- [03:16]
Marisa Peer
Well, you know, altered. You can't have it all. No one can have it all. Something has to give. And so if you're brought up with that belief, I can't have it all, then you already expect that you can't have it all. Because we move towards what we expect. So that expects the parents who say, you know, oh, well, if you have a great job, you'll not be a great mum to be a great mom. You can't really have a career, and even if you manage to have both, then your health's going to go or something's going to go wrong. So what about the belief we can't have it all? So we do indeed have three groups. The first group have a fixed belief, you cannot have it all. And they don't even try. They go, you know, there's no point in having a career because I want to be a parent or, well, maybe I'm so good at my job, but I don't have time for a relationship or even to go to the gym. So the first group don't even expect to have it all, ever. They've never expected it. And of course, one of the rules of the mind is what is expected almost always tends to be realized. Second group really fight to have it all because they have this rule, if they pay a price, they get stressed, they get burnt out. Something gives. The third group not only have it all, they really enjoy having it all. And they are very good at sharing it. I was on Richard Branson's island two years ago, and he's a great example. He's got everything. I mean I know his wife sadly just died, but a beautiful marriage of 50 years I think amazing kids, but he shares he's got someone there. He's very generous. If you look at someone like Ed Sheeran or even the Osbournes, they've taken everybody with them, their families, all involved, they share it. And so you have to believe you can have it all. I mean, I have it all. I have an amazing marriage, an amazing career, an amazing relationship with my daughter. I love my son in law, adore my grandson and I always have time to work out, go to the gym, take time for me. And it involves two things. The first is I'm worth it. Because you never manifest what you want. You manifest but you really believe you're worth. So you have to believe, well, I'm worth it. I'm going to take the day off today because I'm doing nothing. Because I'm worth it. You do have to be able to juggle a bit, you know. Last month I went from Dubai to London to Poland to Singapore, back to all in six days. And it was a lot. So the juggling is okay. When I get to Singapore I'm just, I'm not doing anything. I'm going to sit on the balcony. I'm not really running around looking at sites because I'm giving this really important talk and so you have to be quite selfless, not selfish. Selfless in he okay, I'm traveling so I need to be sleeping. I'm not eating, I'm not staying up late, I'm turning down invitations. But you can have it all, all the time if you believe you're worth it. That's so important. And if you can make some adjustments like for instance, packing. I'm always packed, I don't unpack. I have a little city bag and a beach bag and I never unpack. I have adapters and hair straighteners and trial sizes and it just makes life really easy.
- [06:20]
Erica
Did you always believe you were worth having it all? Was that something you had to work into?
- [06:25]
Marisa Peer
No, far from it. You know, I was a head teacher's daughter. I went to my father's school. So I felt like a complete freak from the get go. And you know, my brother and sister both went to private school and I didn't. I was the girl least likely to. And so I had no concept I'd have. In fact, I remember when I was going to university I had a five year diary. I remember writing, oh, at the end of this diary I'LL be married to a teacher and I'll be a teacher and we'll have this lovely life. And it was very sweet, actually, but obviously the other plans came into play. But no, if you'd asked me at 21 if I could even imagine my life, I would never have been able to even conceive of it, let alone see it.
- [07:07]
Erica
What was the turning point for you where you either felt, all right, I have to work on my self belief, or was it a case of you weren't getting what you wanted?
- [07:15]
Marisa Peer
No, you know, for me, because my father was my teacher, I felt very different. I never felt the same as other kids. It's hard to feel like that when your dad is your head teacher. So I felt different. I felt not enough. I felt very disconnected. When I left school, I realized I took that with me. And I took it with me for quite a few more years until I understood I was self perpetuating it. Which is kind of the basis for the therapy I do. We play the only part we've ever known and then we make that part our very own. So when I started to withdraw from that part and erase that part and realize, hey, this isn't true, it's just something I believe. But beliefs are very powerful. You know, we make our beliefs, our beliefs turn right around and make us. And then we look for proof what we've already chosen to believe. So I had to kind of question the beliefs and look at them and think, well, this isn't true. It was true. It's not true anymore. And my life changed so dramatically and so powerfully when I could just say, okay, everything I feel is what I believe, what I think, what I say, which I can all change. Because, you know, you can't change what's behind you. You can change what's in front of you if you just change what's inside you. What's inside you that you have to change are very simple things. How you think, how you speak, what you believe. And we all think and speak and believe every day. So you're just doing the same thing you ever do in a massively upgraded way.
- [08:44]
Erica
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- [10:07]
Marisa Peer
Yeah, right.
- [10:08]
Erica
Feeling like you want a lot of money. You want to feel that abundance. You're working so hard, you feel like it's not happening, it's not coming to you. But then you want to change the way you think and feel. But your reality looks very different. There's always this lag that's when you're leveling up right between where you want to grow into and where you are now. So what's the difference with just speaking positively and actually changing those things when you don't emotionally feel that connection?
- [10:32]
Marisa Peer
So if you imagine you have a ladder, first you have a thought that's the first rung of the ladder. Then a thought creates your feelings and your feelings create how you behave. So the first thought is I'm not enough. If you think that thought, you're going to feel sad, blocked, frustrated, even angry. And how you're going to behave, well, often you're not. You're going to do nothing, procrastinate, self sabotage. Because it all originates from the belief, the thought I'm not enough. So if we flip that to I am enough, if I think that thought a lot, then my feelings change. I become brave, confident, motivated, willing to take a risk. And my behavior changes because I think a different thought. So positive thinking is, I'm going to say I'M great, I'm great, I'm great, I'm great, I'm great. I'm a goddess. I'm a rock star. But I don't believe it. In my voice overhead he goes, but you're not a rock star. You live in a shared apartment. You haven't even got a car. You're buying all your clothes in Target. How are you a rock star? So we argue with ourself, but when you say I'm enough because its benefit is its honesty. So positive thinking is very surface level. It's like saying the weeds in my garden aren't going to grow, but of course they are. It's never going to rain, but of course it is. So it's something rather different. It's three things. Visualize as much as you possibly can what you want and believe you're going to move towards it. So that's the second thing is, you know, let go of negative beliefs. And then the third thing is massively upgrade positive ones. All three, minimize negative thinking, maximize positive thinking, but also use visualization. I'm a great believer in vision boards or images or pictures on your screen or little metal. So for instance, when I had cancer, those three things I visualized every day, my body killing off every cancer cell. And I was really clear. I imagined the little pac man coming along and eating the cancer cells. I really told myself every day, this is good. And I found a little saying. My body is a wellness making machine. It does wellness, only wellness, always wellness. And it was a very clear message. I said it, I stated, I affirmed it, I embodied it. My body only does wellness. Because that's such a clear instruction to them. I think, I'm not going to get sick. I'm not going to die. Your brain is focusing on the very word sick and die. Because the mind only picks up words that have a message saying, I'm not going to eat chocolate. No chocolate, Never chocolate. Well, what are you thinking of?
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Erica
Chocolate.
- [13:12]
Marisa Peer
Chocolate, sure. So you have to think of a particular, make a little expression for you. Simple, not too long, but not too short. You know, I have a phenomenal metabolic rate. I have extraordinary copings. I'm magnetically lovable and keep stating that. So that's the positive. Make sure you have images to go with it. And then anything negative, just minimize it. When people say to me, oh, you know, someone said to me, my friend had that cancer, you know, they died. It's very aggressive. I thought, I don't have to let that in. That's your opinion. It's not Mine. Every cancer has a survivor, and I'm in the survival group. So it's very important to do all three. Maximize the positive, minimize the negative, and use some kind of imagination, some kind of vision. You know, we know it works. Because when Roger Bannister wanted to run a mile in under four minutes, it's not possible. Until it is, not only did he do it, 57 more people did it because his beliefs changed the biology. If he could do it, we could do it. So one person does something. When Muhammad Ali said, I told people I was the greatest before I was, but then I became it. We were realizing, gosh, well, if he can do it, I can do it. So it's very important to start seeing something different. Because the way you feel about everything, and I do mean everything, comes down to just two things. The pictures you make in your head and the words you say. So having cancer, I had very different words, very different images. I saw myself healing, bouncing back. And I say, it's just a blip, Just a blip. I didn't talk about all the cancer. I didn't join any cancer surviving groups because I thought, well, I don't have it. I had it for a month and now I don't. Or like fertility, saying, you know, I want to get pregnant. I'm trying to get pregnant. That very expression, trying to get pregnant. Trying as a misdirect. It implies failure straight away. And being pregnant is not the outcome. You can have eight pregnancies and no baby. So you got to be very clear. Imagine thinking, I want to be pregnant. I have a positive thought, I'm going to be pregnant. But that's the wrong thought. The thought is, I am making, conceiving, caring, raising the most perfect, healthy, robust, gorgeous child. The mind likes very specific words, and they have to make sense. The word pregnant doesn't really make sense because it's not an outcome. It's just the beginning. I want more money. Oh, well, here's five dollars. I want love. Well, for how long? An hour or for the rest of your life? And who do you want love with? And do you want love with lots of people or do you want to find one person? So often we think we're doing it, we go, okay, I'm going to be positive. I'm going to say, I don't want to be lonely. I don't want to be on my own. But that doesn't give a message to the brain at all. The message is, I'm so magnetically lovable, I find my soulmate. We Love each other and we grow a beautiful relationship forever. You really excite your mind and turn it on. Which positive thinking doesn't really do unless you're really good at it. You got to. The mind is very simple to understand. It only works in the present tense. It has one times and it's called right now. Next year I'll be rich. Next year I'll have love. Next year I'll be slim. Mine doesn't even talk that language. It has to be now. I'm slim now. Even if that doesn't make sense. Love's coming to me now. I'm manifesting wealth now, so it must be in the present tense. It must use very powerful, dynamic words. Muhammad Ali said, I am the greatest. Didn't sound quite good. Not because I'm the greatest and use words in front of words. I'm freaking amazing. I'm magnetically lovable. I'm dynamically competent. I have phenomenal coping skills. If you can layer the words and really excite your mind, probably have everything.
- [17:11]
Erica
There's some good tips in there, actually. I'm even just thinking of, you know, people. You talk, you hear about affirmations a lot. But the way you construct those, the intention you put behind them through little things like the vocab you use or what are you focusing on? Is it the outcome? Like it's so powerful in the way you direct your intention. Sure. Again, in the book, another concept you speak about, which I, I think is actually not really spoken about enough or not taught about this enough, is actually liking yourself. And I think a big part of this about creating a life you want. It is a mirror of the way you think and feel about yourself. It's what I've experienced in the last five years since I've really, really thought about it, sat with it, accepted myself. And then the world is almost mirrored the way I see myself, right? If. If I was walking to a room or an interview or something, thinking I'm not worthy, well, how can I expect somebody else to think that of me?
- [18:02]
Marisa Peer
Your thoughts are an energy that go out from you and back to you. You know, you can see that with babies. If you used to handling a baby, they like you. Same thing with animals. So we forget that we are all on a frequency. You know, quantum physics says we're all matter, we're all vibrate. And if you can just change your vibrational energy, you can change absolutely everything.
- [18:23]
Erica
So what I wanted to ask you because I quite like making things practical. I mean, I love talking about concepts and learning in General. But I always want to know, how do we, what does this look like day to day? So liking oneself as a concept makes sense, but what does that actually look like day to day?
- [18:40]
Marisa Peer
Well, you know, go back and look at it. Have you ever seen a baby that doesn't like themselves, that won't ask for attention at 2am, won't spit out the broccoli? You spend ages pureeing. The first good news is you were born really liking yourself. See, this is not something new. You have to reactivate and remanifest something that's your birthright. How do you do it? Well, you start to go, I like myself. You know, we're so resistant to go, I'm good at something. We think, oh, I better put myself down, I better diminish myself. So go, I like myself. I like myself. I'm a good person. I'm kind, I'm warm, I'm generous, I'm friendly, I'm patient. Think of something you're good at. Saying, I'm a nice person. I always have time for my friends and start to tell yourself you're good. One of the keys of successful people, they tell you they're good. They go, I am the best IT person. I'm the best chef. I'm the best. I'm the best pipe. When I go, I don't like that. We go, oh, I'm so glad I'm going to the best chef. I'm so glad I got the best pilot. If I took my child to a school and they go, this is the best school. Oh, I want my kid to go here. Nobody goes. When they go, we're all right. Not bad. You know, we have good days, bad days, we do our best. So confidence is very reassuring. It's also very sexy. It doesn't have to be sexy for everything. But the amount of people I work with, young girls who are trying so hard to make some boy like them, it's like, darling, stop putting your energy to him. Why don't you just like yourself and go, I like myself. I like myself. I'm a good person because you know, I'm going on a date. I hope they like me. Why don't you say, I hope I like them. I hope they're good enough for me. I hope they realize how amazing I am. It's not arrogant. We want to have high self esteem. Esteem means what I think of you. I say, hey, I hold you in the highest esteem. That's what I think of you. But self esteem is what I think of me. So nobody can give me self esteem. I gotta do it myself. I gotta say I like myself. I'm here for a reason. Got something to offer the world. I'm really good at it, or design or cookery, whatever it is. And I'm a good person. And if you start to say it, you'll elevate yourself. The great thing is when your self esteem is high, the world joins you up there. But when you diminish it, it kind of joins you down there. You know, I love the story of Meryl Streep, who when she first was auditioning, someone said, meryl, darling, you're not pretty. You'll never make it. You should just give up. She said, well, that's your opinion. In the sea of opinions, I shall find a different opinion. And she did. Someone said, elizabeth Taylor, Elizabeth, you'll be an actress, but never a movie star. She said, well, why don't you just watch me? Then she was very ballsy. But then someone said to Demi Moore, you'll never be enough. You'll be a popcorn. And she let that in. You'll be a popcorn actress. You'll never be enough. And this is the thing, if you look at Meryl, Elizabeth and Demi and Meryl and Elizabeth didn't let it in and Demi did. Because it's not for someone to tell you who you are. It's for you to tell them, I'll be a movie star. I didn't know how to be beautiful to play Margaret Thatcher or to the parts that she played. Not every actress has to be stunning. We wouldn't say that about Judi Dench or Helen Mirren or some of the amazing actresses we have. And we let people tell us who we are. You're a C student, you're in the C stream, you're average. You just come from a family where we're, we don't really do much. We're all like blue collar workers. But you have to tell people who you are. I'm smart, I'm lovable. So don't let someone tell you. You tell them. I remember my daughter years ago saying, mummy, how do you make a boy, like I said, disagree with everything they say? They say they like football, say I like basketball. They say, like burgers, say I like pizza. Don't agree, have a bit about you. Argue back, be your own person. Because people like that confidence is very reassuring. Yet we're so scared to show people, I like myself. And if someone criticizes you, don't let it in. You know, counter that by saying something, oh, you think I'm boring. Well, you just don't know me. If you knew me, you'd know that you think I'm. There's nothing. You don't know me. If you knew me, you'd know that isn't true. Because the most important word you will ever hear in your whole life are the words you say to yourself. And one of the best things you can do is to just every day say these key words. I know they work because I use them in schools. I matter. I'm significant, I'm enough. I'm lovable, and I'm worthy, deserving of whatever it is you want. Don't just say it, state it, affirm it in body. I matter. I'm enough. I'm significant. I'm lovable. I'm here for a reason. You can add anything you like, but say it. Because, you see, if I put balm on my skin, it's going to go in. Whether it's beautiful, organic balm or full of toxins, all going to go in. And our brain is the same. Whatever you introduce, it will go in. Your brain has no choice but to work on the words you give it. You're the one who has to choose to give it better words.
- [23:57]
Erica
Yep. It's almost, I think, for some and definitely for myself in the past, it's tricky when you have been raised maybe with key people around you, or even today, in present, present times, if you're actively trying to do something, you might even have people that genuinely love and care for you, family members that, again, just are sitting in different beliefs. Oh, yeah, that might just project or impose their own thoughts or insecurities or fears that kind of get in the way of what you're trying to do for yourself? How do you navigate that situation when you know that they're not trying to attack you or slow you down?
- [24:32]
Marisa Peer
It's just, yeah, we will say, oh, that will never work out. That doesn't happen to people like us. Oh, darling, you'll never make it as an actress. You need to go and be a nurse or, oh, there's no money in being a painter. You need to work in it or
- [24:44]
Erica
be realistic with your goals.
- [24:45]
Marisa Peer
Be realistic, yes. This is ridiculous. That's not going to happen. But, you know, I love this expression. If you aim for the moon, you probably reach the stars. So.
- [24:54]
Erica
My husband says that, too.
- [24:55]
Marisa Peer
There's nothing wrong with aiming high. So when people around you say things that aren't in alignment, just decide, well, they don't mean it, you know, they don't mean it you don't have to let in. Not letting in other people's opinions can change your entire life. Just deciding that's your opinion. Like Meryl Streep, in a sea of opinions, you're allowed to have one. I don't have to let. And it might be a wonderful grandmother. And often they try to stop you being hurt by going, oh, don't do that. That's too risky. Oh, that's not going to work out. Realize they're often saying it out of kindness, but it's their story. It's not your story. One of the saddest things I see as a therapist is people who make someone else's story their story. All men let you down. People like us, we don't have that kind of life that's not available for people like us. And, you know, I worked with a client years ago, he said, you know, you can't trust men. And I said, darling, this is your mother. So your mother was of a different generation. She didn't have your education. It's her story. She made very poor choices. But it's not your story. You have a totally different story. And the saddest thing is how make someone else's story our story. So go back and say, is this a story? I mean, my grandmother told me men don't marry successful women. That was true for her generation, but it isn't true now. So be very careful to make your own story, edit it, rewrite it, but don't let someone else's story be your story.
- [26:25]
Erica
That's very powerful. And it's also making me think of our role as mother, grandparents, or Nonna's, you know, holding that role in space for young kids. What are some tools we can give them from a very young age to help instill some of this thinking?
- [26:42]
Marisa Peer
Yeah. I think as a parent, you have to do three things. First is be present. All your kids ever want you to be present with them. So when you go in, put the phone down, get off the screen. If you're playing, just play. Don't look at your phone. You know, it's not forever. It goes so quickly. But think, okay, I've got two hours and I'm going to be present with my kid because that's all they want. Ever be present. I remember my little going, mummy, can we have a meeting? And she, oh, gosh, you know, I need to move away from this because she thinks people see me because they make appointments, have a meeting with me. I go, yeah, we're going to have a meeting. We're going to go to the park for two hours, but they feed back what you tell them. So be present is number one. And always apologize to your kids. As a therapist, I see something every day that children, in order to make sense of a problem, take ownership. My dad never visits. I guess I'm not good enough. My mom's always at work. Oh, she must like that place called work more than me. So children will always own a problem. And if you apologize, if you say, darling, today mummy was cranky. Mummy didn't have enough sleep or she forgot to have lunch and I'm so sorry, then they don't own it. They go, oh, mummy was cranky. They understand cranky because they have it too. So apologize. Own something so they don't. Because I see that people take, oh, you know, my dad hit me, but he was so stress. But you see, my mom wasn't interested in him. So sad. Oh, yeah, my dad shouted at me, but, you know, he had a horrible life. And the third thing is praise your kids a lot for something they're good at. Don't just go, you're amazing. Say, you know, you're so good at looking after the cat. You're so kind to your granddad, you're so sweet with your sister. You're so amazing at drawing so intermittent praise for something they're good at. Apologize a lot. It doesn't make you weak. It actually makes you strong. And be present as much as you. Possibly not for eight hours a day, but if you having a couple of hours with your kids, even around dinner, just be present. If you remember those three things and apply them, you'll become an amazing parent.
- [28:51]
Erica
No, they're really beautiful tips and I like that they're tangible, you know, they're
- [28:55]
Marisa Peer
not things I have to.
- [28:56]
Erica
It's just very simple things.
- [28:58]
Marisa Peer
Yeah, I was so busy with the mandolin, the organic broccoli, forget about all of that. The play dates where they're learning, and forget all about all of that. Be present, apologize, praise them a lot.
- [29:09]
Erica
Love that in terms of having balance in one's life. Now the show is called the Balance Theory. A reason I started it. At the time I was working as a corporate lawyer. I really value my health and fitness, my family, my friendships. I'm Italian. I've got a big family on both sides, my husband's and mine. I felt like I was running 100 miles an hour trying to do everything and couldn't do anything.
- [29:32]
Marisa Peer
Sure.
- [29:33]
Erica
And so I started to think about this concept of work, life, balance. And for me, the, the Statement in and of itself felt very polarizing because it felt like, work's over here, life's over here, we got to manage both. But for me, it felt a lot more integrated than that. And it felt as though how I am in one impacts all the others. It's an interconnected web. They're not completely separate. And so as I've gone on and as this show has evolved, it's really come down to understanding your priorities and making those things, making your life work around those things. Right. It's very simple. Two, three things in your health, your relationships and your fulfillment. I'd love to know your thoughts on work, life, balance or having balance in one's life. I know you said before you think people can, you can have it all.
- [30:13]
Marisa Peer
Yeah.
- [30:13]
Erica
So I'd love to know what that looks like for you in terms of having balance in your life.
- [30:17]
Marisa Peer
Yeah. So, first of all, you have to have that sense of self. So you go, okay, I'm a lawyer. I'm coming home at 8. I'm not going to have dinner and go to bed. Because I realized that what I need is sleep. So I could think, well, I should start, keep my partner company and I should be doing all this stuff but saying, you know, I need to just go to bed now. I'm going to have a bath, have some nice dinner, go to bed. Because you're like a battery, you know, you've got to recharge. So to have it all, you have to really prioritize. How much rest do I get? How much sleep do I get? Am I eating the right food? Am I eating rubbish on? Am I sending out for pizza? Because I'm in meetings all the time. So you've got to stop all of that. The thing that really helps is when you go to work and you shut the door, go to work. Don't keep looking at videos of your child or your pet or making shopping lists in your lunch. Just be at work. Then when you go home and shut the door, just be at home. Don't look at work emails. You know, because of emails now, we never really switch over on the plane. We're on an email email, we're looking at WhatsApp. We're reading voice notes. So you have to really learn, okay, I'm at work and I'm 100% good at my job. But now I'm at home. I'm not talking about work or checking in. And I tell people I don't take calls before 9 in the morning. I don't take work calls unless it's emerging after seven at night, you have to really have boundaries. Then at weekends it's like, okay, I'm recharging like a battery. So you have to. To be quite. It's not selfless. There's selfless over here and ruthless over here in the middle. It's called honoring yourself. So if you've got a really demanding job, you've got to be really careful. Am I sleeping enough? Am I eating good food? Can I do yoga or meditate or take a bath or do some breath work? How do I recharge? And the problem is we're doing it or we're at work being a parent. We're at home still being at work. And you have to really learn to switch off, you know, to say, okay, I'm doing everything I do well because I'm giving my all to it. But then when I stop, I give my all to someone. And that might be just giving it all to you. It's like, I'm going to yoga, but I'm looking at my phone, I'm calling my daughter, I'm doing a quick email and then you can't. I'm having a massage and I'm thinking about what I need to do. So you have to learn to really compartmentalize. If you can do that. It's a skill, but anyone can learn it. Just go, okay, I'm a parent now. I'm a partner. I'm a daughter with my. I'm taking my mum out now and I can't take her out while I'm constantly looking at the phone. So whatever part you're playing, whether you're a child looking after a parent for the day or whether you're a parent or whether you're having an evening with your partner, you gotta really learn to go, okay, I'm just going to play that one role the best I can. It's only going to be for four hours. I mean, I can go and visit my mum. I don't need to make work. I might say I do, but I really don't think about the outcome. I've gone to see my mum because she's lonely and I'm constantly looking at my phone or just, just one email. Just, just take this call. And really, unless it's urgent, you can do those on the way back.
- [33:33]
Erica
Yeah, that's. It's something. I've been forced into becoming a parent because I'm still, you know, for the podcast, I'm still consulting as a lawyer. And so one mantra that's helped me just for Anyone listening who's liking this concept is giving myself permission to be present with where I'm at. Yeah, I'm always telling myself, just be present with where you're at. If you're working, just do that. It's okay. The baby's fine. She's playing on her own. If I'm sitting with her, just be present with her. And knowing. Because you do wear so many hats, I think the modern woman today looks very different. We're so privileged to have many different things that fulfill us. But I think the key to balancing all of that is just allowing yourself to switch and be present in those roles.
- [34:12]
Marisa Peer
Yeah, you're a human being, not a human. Doing that means sometimes you've got to be instead of do. Be in the moment. Hey, I'm a human being. And if you hang around with tribes ever, you'll see they spend a lot of time doing nothing. I have cats and I love my cats because they have no guilt about doing nothing at all. They lie around, they sleep a lot. They don't have any. I should be answering that email. I should be active. I should, should, should, should, shoulda, coulda, woulda. Just be a human being and just be. Because our greatest moments come from just being just. I'm just lying in the bath, I'm floating in the pool, I'm having a delicious dinner, I'm cuddling my baby. Let me just be. I'm having wonderful sex with my partner. Our craziness when we just be. Just be in the moment. Just, you know, we call it mindful, mindful eating, mindful, whatever. But it's just a question of saying, you know, why don't I just be and just the moment never comes back. And the moment is all you have. The past is gone. We don't know about the future. So live in the moment.
- [35:15]
Erica
And I guess the more times you practice giving yourself permission, the more of the skill it becomes. One thing just to change tune a little. One thing I really am keen to hear your thoughts on as a therapist, as someone working in a space that I think some parts of it are changing. Thank you to AI. I'd love to hear your thoughts here. I was reading online and a study found that one in eight young people aged between 12 and 21 now use AI chatbots for mental health advice. That rises to 22% for older teens and they report because it feels more private, instant and low pressure. Do you think that people seeking that support through AI is a good thing because they perhaps wouldn't otherwise? Or are there some really hidden dangers, especially when it comes to our internal self trust here that are being jeopardized.
- [36:04]
Marisa Peer
I think the good thing about it is, especially with teenagers who do want to go to a clinic, oh, you're taking me to see the therapist. Something's wrong with me. And that makes them very defensive and it makes them feel inadequate. I've got to go and see a therapist. But having someone on your screen in your bedroom is very comfortable. So it's a good start. It gets someone to begin. It's like saying, if I have an AI personal trainer, I might actually go to the gym later. If I have an AI giving me nutritional advice, I might stick with it. So I think it's a good beginning, especially for teenagers. I'm in my room, I can talk to this person about my feelings and they're going to give me some advice that hopefully is good. And I think we have a whole generation. I mean, the highest suicide group we know is teenage boys. And anything they can get that will give them some sense of self worth. If the bot can say, hey, you do matter. You have got these skills. Hey, you can do this and think this and say that and follow that, I think that's okay. I worry, of course, about AI replacing therapy. And a lot of people say, I prefer it. Studies say I prefer AI because it doesn't judge me. I can talk about all these awful things I do. I'm a kleptomania, I'm an infomaniac. It doesn't judge me. I don't really want to tell a real therapist that in case they think, oh, so I get it. But the downside is, you know, the advice is not really personal. AI can be totally manipulated to tell you what it thinks you want to hear. I think it's a good beginning. It's an opening into therapy. I think that's perfectly okay. And if it gets a younger person to think, oh, talking to someone can help me, it will open them up to the possibility they can talk to someone better than AI So I don't think it's a bad thing. It's only a bad thing if you only use AI. It's like someone who's got a virtual boyfriend. I mean, and they say, no, I don't. I like it. We talk every day. But it's like, but when are you having sex and holding hands and, and going for a walk and making each other dinner. You can't really replace a human with a robot. You just can't. People think they can. We have robot pets now. But there's no replacement for warmth and empathy and someone's quirks.
- [38:19]
Erica
Yeah. Or like emotional response. Like, I know dogs are. Do you know our family dog back at home? I was probably three weeks pregnant and he was attached to me and I didn't even know I was at the time, but he, like, I think they can.
- [38:33]
Marisa Peer
They can smell such a powerful. They can smell cancer. You know, the smell of dogs is extraordinary, what they can smell.
- [38:40]
Erica
Yeah. So things like that.
- [38:42]
Marisa Peer
Yeah. You can't get that from a. And also they don't come up. You know, the thing is with a human that at the end of our life, it's our relationship that made it happy. You know, who held our hand, who put their arms around us, who offered us comfort, who. And so we remember that no one says at the end of their life, gosh, I had too much affection. We always remember who we loved and who loved us. And you're never going to replace that with AI because it's not real. Here's one of the rules of the mind. Emotion will always defeat logic. In the battle between emotion and logic, emotion wins. But AI is logical. It's giving you logical answers. But emotion is the thing that runs us. Who we love, who loves us back times, you share the people we love. That's everything.
- [39:30]
Erica
Definitely. Well, one closing question for you. And I know we haven't had a great deal of time together today, so if any questions have come up for the listeners, if you want to hear us talk about anything in a future episode, please drop them in the comments below because I would love to have you back on when we have a good time. If somebody listens to this episode and does nothing else, what is the one sentence you would want them to say to themselves or start saying to themselves?
- [39:54]
Marisa Peer
I'm enough. You know, the common denominator of all our issues is I'm not enough. I'm not worthy enough. I'm not interesting enough, I'm not attractive enough, qualified enough. There are so many ways to not feel enough, and it's not even true. You know, with your little baby, I'm sure she hasn't got a second of thinking, she's not enough. She knows she's enough. She wakes up in the middle of the night and she knows she's enough. So you've got to say, I'm enough over and over and over again. State it, affirm it, embody it first. It's what you do. But very quickly you become who you are because you are enough. You're good enough. You're worthy enough. You were born enough. So reactivate, remanifest, regenerate what you were born with, which is enough. Because it is behind everything. It's behind addiction, hoarding, binging, binging, overeating, being needy, being entitled, self sabotage, procrastination, imposter syndrome, all stem from this. Not enough. So if it's the common issue, it's amazing how much you can cure by saying I'm enough. You know, type it out, write it on post and turn it into your phone password securely of course, if you have to type that out every day to open your phone and your laptop, if it's written on your fridge, if your phone alerts, ping twice a day with I'm enough, you want to saturate yourself with that message because it will really sink in like butter sinks into hot toast. And it will make you feel amazing, but also make you very resilient and confident. And that's what we all want.
- [41:30]
Erica
It's so simple, but so powerful. And a lot of what we've spoken about today is in your book, so I'm going to link it in the show notes and of course where everyone can find you on socials. Because the way you talk about these concepts, I find it super relatable and practical. So I've always been drawn to the way you, you know, break it down for us. And I really appreciate you sitting with me today. So, Marissa, thank you so much for your time. If you get even just one idea from this episode that shifts something within you, make sure you hit subscribe so you don't miss the next conversation. And if somebody came to mind while you've been listening, make sure you share this episode with them. The right conversation at the right time can genuinely change someone's day, week and intern life.