#473 - We Are Chimp Crazy

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Basement Yard Episode #473 - "We Are Chimp Crazy"

Introduction In Episode #473 of The Basement Yard, hosted by Joe Santagato from Santagato Studios, Joe and his co-host Frank engage in their signature humorous and unfiltered banter. This episode delves into a variety of topics, ranging from nostalgic reflections on classic American snacks to controversial discussions about animal-human interactions and avant-garde opera performances.

---

1. Nostalgia and Classic American Snacks The episode kicks off with a lighthearted exchange about personal attire and habits, quickly segueing into a nostalgic conversation about traditional American snacks like Cracker Jacks and fortune cookies.

• Cracker Jacks Pricing and Experience

  • Frank (00:29): "The rule of jokes is if you fuck up the wording on a joke, you automatically lose the joke."
  • Joe (02:01): "Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks. You're making this baseball game sound like the worst place on the planet."

  Joe and Frank humorously debate the rising costs of Cracker Jacks at baseball games, highlighting how what used to be an affordable treat has become overpriced. They reminisce about the excitement of receiving prizes with Cracker Jacks and compare it to the allure of fortune cookies.

• Fortune Cookies Mysticism

  • Frank (04:25): "There's a mysticism to fortune cookies. You open a fortune cookie and you're like, this can. It's like horoscopes."
  • Joe (04:43): "It's like, oh, you might meet a friend from the past before. And I'm like, what the fuck?"

  The hosts discuss the vague and often perplexing fortunes found in fortune cookies, pondering their significance and the mix-up between Cracker Jacks and fortune cookies in terms of delivering life-changing messages.

---

2. Bestiality and Animal-Human Interactions A significant portion of the episode shifts to a controversial topic: the ethical and legal implications of human-animal interactions, specifically focusing on a woman who breastfeeds chimps.

• Discussion on Bestiality

  • Frank (21:02): "Bestiality. It's actually fungi, but..."
  • Joe (21:36): "She did it to maternally."

  Joe and Frank delve into the complexities of bestiality, debating whether maternal care of animals crosses into unethical or criminal behavior. They reference a case involving Tanya Haddocks Haddix, a woman accused of animal welfare abuses related to her interactions with chimps.

• Ethical Considerations

  • Frank (30:02): "There is a case to be made that this is not considered any form of bestiality or zoophilia because it wasn't done sexually."
  • Joe (30:17): "She did it to maternally."

  The conversation navigates the fine line between maternal instincts and exploitative behavior, questioning societal norms and legal definitions surrounding human-animal relationships.

---

3. Animal Memory and Human Perception The hosts explore the intelligence and memory capabilities of various animals, sharing personal anecdotes and humorous takes on animal behavior.

• Horses and Elephants' Memory

  • Frank (35:31): "We went to the zoo, and it was... They were like, this is a horse. Horses have such great memory that if you were to come back in 20 years, they'll remember you."
  • Joe (37:00): "Dude, I'll be honest with you. Those horses in Central Park break my little heart."

  They discuss how horses and elephants are reputed to have excellent memories, sharing memories from childhood trips to the zoo and expressing empathy towards animals.

• Giraffes and Their Unique Features

  • Frank (40:36): "They look like... like a very large person sits in a chair and all the legs bow out. Yeah, that's what they look like, dude."
  • Joe (40:35): "I'd let a giraffe lick my face."

  The conversation lightens as they humorously critique giraffes' appearance and behavior, balancing knowledgeable insights with playful mockery.

---

4. Controversial Opera Performances A pivotal segment of the episode revolves around a highly controversial opera performance featuring naked roller-skating nuns, explicit lesbian scenes, and graphic bloodshed.

• Description of the Opera

  • Joe (48:51): "Naked roller skating nuns. Roller skating nuns alone is hilarious."
  • Frank (50:04): "They are bleeding all over the place. Are trying to kill the men, the straight men that they know are going to these shows. It is a conspiracy."

  Joe and Frank provide a vivid and graphic description of the opera, discussing its shock value and the extreme reactions it has garnered from the audience. They speculate humorously about the motives behind such a production and its impact on viewers.

• Audience Reactions and Ethical Implications

  • Joe (50:49): "Those who had a physical reaction to the chaos unfolding in front of them were sat in the rows near the stage, according to a spokesperson who added that they would have known what they are getting themselves in for."
  • Frank (52:26): "If you hear naked roller skating, bleeding nuns on the poster, you wear a poncho if you're gonna be in the front row."

  The hosts critique the opera's provocative elements, questioning the ethical boundaries of artistic expression and the responsibility of performers in presenting such content.

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5. Sponsor Segments and Advertisements Throughout the episode, Joe and Frank incorporate sponsorship messages promoting services like Squarespace, SeatGeek, PrizePicks, and Kickoff. These segments are designed to support the podcast financially while providing listeners with useful services.

• Squarespace Promotion

  • Joe: "If you have a small business or you make content or you want to promote something, you're gonna want to do it with Squarespace."

• SeatGeek Promotion

  • Frank: "Everyone can use the code now. The code is Joe15. You'll get 15% off any tickets on SeatGeek."

• PrizePicks and Kickoff Promotions

  • Joe: "You can win up to 100 times your money on PrizePicks with as little as four correct picks."
  • Frank: "If you have trouble with your credit or you made a mistake in the past, Kickoff is the number one credit building app out there."

These sponsorships are seamlessly integrated into the conversation, providing discounts and incentives for listeners to engage with the promoted services.

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Conclusion and Final Banter As the episode wraps up, Joe and Frank return to their usual playful and irreverent banter, discussing topics like pet behavior and upcoming projects. They encourage listeners to follow their social media channels and remain engaged with future content.

• Closing Remarks
  • Frank (58:19): "That hurt my hand."
  • Joe: "You do you do that a lot."

The hosts sign off with a blend of humor and camaraderie, reinforcing their connection with the audience and teasing upcoming content.

---

Notable Quotes Overview

• Cracker Jacks Pricing:

  • Frank (00:29): "The rule of jokes is if you fuck up the wording on a joke, you automatically lose the joke."

• Fortune Cookie Mysticism:

  • Frank (04:25): "There's a mysticism to fortune cookies. You open a fortune cookie and you're like, this can. It's like horoscopes."

• Bestiality Debate:

  • Frank (21:02): "Bestiality. It's actually fungi, but..."

• Opera Performance:

  • Joe (48:51): "Naked roller skating nuns. Roller skating nuns alone is hilarious."
  • Frank (50:04): "They are bleeding all over the place. Are trying to kill the men, the straight men that they know are going to these shows. It is a conspiracy."

---

Final Thoughts Episode #473 of The Basement Yard showcases Joe and Frank's dynamic chemistry as they navigate through a maze of humorous, controversial, and thought-provoking topics. From dissecting the evolution of classic snacks to grappling with the ethical boundaries of human-animal relationships and avant-garde art, the hosts deliver an engaging and multifaceted discussion that keeps listeners entertained and intrigued.

For those interested in raw, unfiltered conversations peppered with humor and sharp insights, this episode is a testament to what The Basement Yard offers its audience.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome back to the basement. Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank. Stop biting your fingernails. Stop.

[B]

Don't worry about my fingernails, bitch.

[A]

I'm not. Wear a fucking middle finger.

[B]

What are.

[A]

Your finger.

[B]

No, you want it. You want it, though.

[A]

I don't want it. I don't.

[B]

Nice fucking hat, loser. The hell is that? You're not. You know. You know what you're wearing, okay?

[A]

You're fresh out the Gish gift shop, okay?

[B]

You shop, you fucking. The rule of jokes is if you fuck up the wording on a joke, you automatically lose the joke. That's the rule of jokes. That's the rule of how it works with friends. Nice fucking ironic Brooklyn hat. You're not beating those Brooklyn allegations.

[A]

This isn't Brooklyn, you dumbass. That's a giraffe, stupid.

[B]

Yeah, but it's just how many.

[A]

How many fucking drafts are in Brooklyn?

[B]

First of all, that's not what I'm saying, you dumb idiot. But, like, the way that, like, you just wear just like. Just like an innocuous object on your fucking hat, and you're just like, oh, I'm so fucking. Whoa. He's so random, but also, like, making a statement at the same time. Like, fuck you.

[A]

Okay? What are you saying? Who's your favorite baseball team? Cool. Time to grow. Okay, you look like fucking. You're going to me field.

[B]

Me, me, me. Time to grow up. Who fucking bought season tickets to the Rangers? Watch. Guys with fucking sticks. You bitch. You go and you wear jerseys all the time. Don't even lie and say you don't, bitch.

[A]

One, I don't. Two, going to the game and dressing like little Tommy and going to the baseball game to get a Cracker Jack and a hot dog like you are right now is totally different.

[B]

I know, I know you're not talking shit about Cracker Jacks and. Or hot dogs. Do you like Cracker Jacks? I don't mind Cracker Jacks. But, like, the way they became, like, an old timey staple. It was just like dry martinis. Beating your wife and Cracker Jacks. I don't like that thing. It was an American stable.

[A]

It's, like, as American as apple pie. Cracker Jacks.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

And just given Mary one of these.

[B]

I don't. I don't like Cracker Jacks to the point that I would put them in a song. Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks. You're making this baseball game sound like the worst place on the planet.

[A]

Anything with flavor would be nice.

[B]

And whoever goes, whoever still Eats like shelled peanuts.

[A]

I only do it at baseball bars.

[B]

Bars is the only place it's okay.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's scumbag if they haven't met big barrels. And you like going to the bar where you could just throw it on the ground.

[B]

Yeah, I do. We've talked about, like, openly. I do. Like, though, like, there was that one bar that we would go to in Astoria where it didn't have like a scoop or anything. You had to scoop it with the bowl. And I just felt right, you know what I mean? But to put peanuts and Cracker Jacks in a song.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks. No, buy. Buy me a hot dog.

[A]

Hot dog. Sausage and peppers, garlic fries.

[B]

Sausage and peppers.

[A]

Ice cream in a little helmet. How about a fucking cotton candy?

[B]

Oh, how about a beer that's worth about 35? The reason they said buy me peanuts and Cracker Jacks is. Cause when that song came out, Those things cost $0.04 to get both of them right now. Peanuts, Cracker Jacks running you four bucks each. Frank, you think a bag of Cracker Jacks at a baseball game is 4 do is less than $4.

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, more.

[A]

I'm saying they're probably all 10.

[B]

Google that. Google that. New York Yankees price of Cracker Jacks. What are we doing? If you go to. I'm just going to throw this out here. Big baseball fan. I know that baseball is, you know, loved across our country. If you go to a game and someone with you or yourself buys Cracker Jacks, do me a favor. Find the tallest part of the building and just sneak through the crack and go head for a straight down.

[A]

They're four bucks. Good job.

[B]

Hey. Wow.

[A]

I thought it was. I thought it was definitely going to be more.

[B]

If you're asking someone to pay $4 for more than Jack for caramelized popcorn, bro.

[A]

Cracker Jacks. Where's the cracker? Where is Jack?

[B]

Who is Jack and why is he got all these crackers?

[A]

There is no cracker about.

[B]

It is popcorn. It's caramelized. Just call it what I think every now and then there's like a little like caramelized peanut in there or something. Is there? I don't like that shit.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

And people were like, yo, don't get. Now we're getting started on crackers. People were like, oh, I'm so excited for the prize.

[A]

The fry.

[B]

It was a paper. It was. It came folded. The way your taxes, your fucking W2 comes folded and you open it and it's like fucking Bazooka Joe goes and fucking buys a baseball and a lollipop. Fuck you, Cracker Jack.

[A]

Really had nothing to look forward to back then, I think. I cannot wait to get to the.

[B]

They had absolutely nothing.

[A]

Although I do like fortune cookies, which is similar, but way.

[B]

But fortune cookies.

[A]

Because I earn it.

[B]

You know why? Because there's a mysticism to fortune cookies. You open a fortune cookie and you're like, this can. It's like horoscopes. Like, it is so vague that, like, this could be, like, the most important thing to ever happen to me.

[A]

Yeah. I also. Sometimes I read them and I'm like, can I read? Because I don't.

[B]

I don't know if I'm.

[A]

I can't understand why. Yeah.

[B]

Some of them are. They get a little too. Like, whoever's writing them is getting a little too cutesy. Yeah.

[A]

It's like, oh, you might meet a friend from the past before. And I'm like, what the fuck?

[B]

I was like, what does that mean?

[A]

Am I going to meet someone new or someone old?

[B]

It doesn't make any sense. And it's just like you wish you were there, right here. And it's like, what?

[A]

Yeah. The wise owl does what the penguin says. I'm like, how? I don't even know how to piece.

[B]

That one actually kind of makes sense.

[A]

Does it?

[B]

Yeah, because the wise owl does what the penguin says. Penguins are notoriously stupid.

[A]

So, like, the wise owl do something.

[B]

Stupid because they follow. Because they follow what stupid people say. Sometimes all of us are owls, babe. We're just looking to have a hoot.

[A]

Okay. You tried to save it and you kind of did at the end, but the middle part was very bad.

[B]

I guess there's a certain mysticism. Like when you open a Cracker Jack, you're hoping your life gets changed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, you're not. No one's opening.

[A]

Wait, no, I'm sorry.

[B]

Fortune cookie. Fortune cookie. When you open a fortune cookie, you're hoping your life gets changed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you open a bag of Cracker Jacks and there's this little fucking paper envelope.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No one's excited anymore.

[A]

The only thing I would be excited about is if there is a gun fully loaded at the bottom of his bag. Yeah.

[B]

Because then I'm gonna shoot whoever bought me a bag of Cracker Jacks unironically. That was exciting. When kids had to walk fucking five miles uphill both ways to school.

[A]

Like, what a ridiculous thing.

[B]

I love what our parents used to say, like, that it's like, yo, you.

[A]

Think you got it hard? I had to walk five miles to school, dad.

[B]

You. You sounds like you were abused, dad.

[A]

Also, not my fault. Also, like, different school, different.

[B]

And also the reason you're complaining about it is because that shouldn't have happened. And I am agreeing with you. Like, that doesn't mean, like, that's the way it was. It should be the same for you. Like, I got hit. You deserve to get your ass beat.

[A]

Fucking fortune, yo. Also, lucky numbers on the fortune cookies. That's massive.

[B]

I mean, for. That's big for, like, you know, degenerate gamblers like you.

[A]

Oh, I don't. First of all, definitely not a general game. And second of all, like, I don't really have. I look at the lucky numbers, and then I try to make them lucky in my life.

[B]

Oh, like, you make them like, oh, my God, this is a cousin Nikki's birthday, and I haven't talking to him in four years. The next number, it's four.

[A]

Yeah, like, I'll do that.

[B]

Oh, I wonder if anyone has ever won.

[A]

Do you have lucky numbers?

[B]

No, I just have numbers. I just.

[A]

I mean, everyone. What could that possibly mean?

[B]

Everyone just has numbers.

[A]

Like what, a phone number?

[B]

Everyone has numbers. Like, I've played my numbers. What are those? You know, my birthday, you know, 30, Becca's birthday, the kids birthdays.

[A]

Is it anything outside of birthdays that you have a number?

[B]

No. Yeah. Eight.

[A]

Eight.

[B]

8085. Okay, so my football and baseball number. But they're not lucky because I've played all of them in roulette, and I've never won. I have never, ever, ever won any amount of money in roulette, whether it.

[A]

Be won a hand.

[B]

Not a single.

[A]

Wait, wait, wait, Frank.

[B]

Not a single motherfucking spin.

[A]

You've never put, like, a dot, like, $5 on a color and win?

[B]

Nope. Every time I've done that, I've.

[A]

All right, we have to change that.

[B]

I mean, I would like to, but the. At this point, doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for a different outcome is, like, the definition of insanity. And I'm not insane.

[A]

Don't say that like you're saying a sentence, because that's an expression that's well known.

[B]

I know that's what I'm saying, but you're saying it.

[A]

That's the definition, bro.

[B]

When we. When we did our shows based on Our experience. Shows. 2. 2 shows. When I. Atlantic City, I went as Beck and I checked out of the hotel, which was incredible, by the way. I just Want to throw this out there? I was like, you know what? We need to just gamble. We have all our luggage with us. And I was like, let's just put money on a color. That's it. Just. Just something red or black.

[A]

Red or black?

[B]

I don't remember which color it was. It might have been red because I was like, oh. Basically, I'd read black. And I just. I just. I didn't even wait to see him pick up my. My chips. I just fucking grabbed my shit and walked the opposite way. I've never won. So that's why when you say you have lucky numbers, I say, no, I just have numbers. None of them are lucky. I've never won anything.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Have you?

[A]

No, but, like, if I had to. I don't know. Like. Yeah, I don't know.

[B]

You have numbers.

[A]

I just. I. I guess I just.

[B]

Like, you have your number. 25.

[A]

25. Oh, my birthday.

[B]

You have 22 because you were a big Clyde the Glide fan.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Well, that. That was why you said you loved.

[A]

I did like Clyde Drexler a lot.

[B]

That was why you said you wanted.

[A]

Ask me how many Clyde Drexler games I've watched live. The answer is not one.

[B]

It's not greater than one either. But I remember when you told me that. I was just like, wow. He. He knows a lot about basketball. Hi. Completely understanding that now. You got that from your dad or you found my dad? Oh, no, your dad would never watch basketball.

[A]

I don't really know if my dad really watched that much sports growing up, to be honest. He would watch football, but he claims to be a Dolphins fan. Mad random.

[B]

I mean, everyone that was alive in the 70s was a dolphins fan. Yeah, because Dan Marino, when you're born in a certain decade, there's really like a handful of teams you could like. How many people do you know that? Boys and Cowboys and Yankee fans.

[A]

You know what I mean? I know.

[B]

Steelers people born in the 80s. Steelers fans or is that the 70s? I don't.

[A]

You're missing. I don't know. I have no idea.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah. But I haven't had a fortune cookie in a very long time. I enjoy them.

[B]

Actually, one, the other day. I don't remember my fortune.

[A]

Do you. Did you eat the cookie?

[B]

Yeah, ate the cookie. You ever make fortune cookies? I've made them once.

[A]

What are they? I don't even know what they are.

[B]

I don't eat. They're like a dough.

[A]

They must be right.

[B]

They're like a dough, and it's like a special fortune cookie press.

[A]

Yeah, a press.

[B]

It's like. It looks like a panini maker almost. And you, like, put the dough in there and you push down and it shapes it into a cookie.

[A]

Wait, how do you press down on something and make it 3D?

[B]

I don't remember.

[A]

What the fuck are you talking about? How is that possible?

[B]

I remember. I remember.

[A]

What was that? You clearly don't. You have nothing else to say. You. So you take dough.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

You press.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Like you're making a waffle, but then a 3D thing pops up.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

You seeing how I'm having trouble?

[B]

I do, I do. I do.

[A]

Because it's not.

[B]

And I'll be honest with you, I don't care to figure this out.

[A]

I thought it was like some sort of fold.

[B]

It could be.

[A]

It looks like origami. A little bit, maybe.

[B]

Yeah. And how does a paper get in there? Wait, wait. What the hell are.

[A]

Wait, how the fuck do they get it in there?

[B]

No, now that I'm.

[A]

Because you can't slip it out, because.

[B]

I did make them. This is a true story. I did make them, but now it's so far back in my memory that I don't remember any of this stuff.

[A]

Wait, how do they get it in the cookie?

[B]

They've got to, like, shove it in there. Just like you tell me.

[A]

There's a person with every single fortune cookie in the world who's manually going like this.

[B]

I imagine they're just shoving it in the cookie.

[A]

Dude. No way.

[B]

This is a crazy thing.

[A]

How do they get the paper in the cookie?

[B]

How do. And is it even considered a cookie? Or is it more of a cracker? Is it a fortune? It's cracker. It's crackery. Right. Thank you, Cracker Jack. God damn.

[A]

I'd like to be hit. The paper of fortune gets inside a fortune cookie by folding it in while the cookie is still warm and malleable. Oh.

[B]

So they let it cool.

[A]

They're baked as flat circles while the cookies are still warm. Steel prongs are push. Steel prongs push the paper fortunes into the cookie while they're still folded into the butterfly shape.

[B]

Oh, so they harden. Oh, they turn to the shape. Okay. There was probably. Honestly, we probably could have gotten there if we had just put a little bit of thought into it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[A]

Oh, so, okay, so here's how you.

[B]

I know you just explained it. You don't need to re. Explain it.

[A]

I'm doing for people. Okay, so you clearly don't know. Because you don't remember, even though you did it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You press it down flat.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then you have circle.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And then you make taco, Right? You make taco.

[B]

And then you bring the other side. On the other side. Yeah, Yeah, I remember that.

[A]

The paper in. And then you. You don't. You don't.

[B]

I don't remember that, but I remember that. You know what I mean?

[A]

Like, did you guys put fortunes in them?

[B]

Yeah, but they were like. We did it for, like. It was during college when I was an RA or an rd, one of those years. And we did it like, it was like a program. So, like, the fortune was just, like, don't forget to register for fall classes.

[A]

You made fortune cookies for college students? God.

[B]

It might have been. It might have been around, like, Chinese New Year. And, like, we just completely took that for our own and just put in, like, you are the year of the dragon.

[A]

Wow. Are we something.

[B]

Yeah, we are. We've talked about this numerous times. We are the year of the monkey. It was a big thing when we were in elementary school year, the monkey.

[A]

Do you remember when we had. It was like, Chinese New Year. And Tiffany Nguyen brought in first and last, brought in a bunch of the red envelopes for all of us.

[B]

Yeah, I do. I also don't.

[A]

And there was gold coins in it.

[B]

I also don't think she was. I think she was Korean.

[A]

Listen, I.

[B]

She clearly Asian.

[A]

She did it. And she brought the stuff in.

[B]

She did it.

[A]

I had the gold coins and I ate them.

[B]

That's right. I don't think.

[A]

Worst chocolate ever, by the way.

[B]

I don't hate coin chocolate. I don't mind it.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

I don't mind it at all. The worst chocolate. The worst chocolate is the. The hollow Easter Bunny chocolate. That's not chocolate, brother. That's just cardboard.

[A]

I don't like it.

[B]

That's cardboard dipped in chocolate.

[A]

You want to know what's classic and lowkey?

[B]

No.

[A]

You're going to hear it. Hershey bars. Classic and, like, not really talked about or hyped.

[B]

Listen, if we're going just regular milk chocolate bars, I know where you're going. Lint is number one.

[A]

Linton Cadbury. They make great lint.

[B]

Lint is number one.

[A]

Lint, Cadbury and Hershey.

[B]

Hershey. It's too plain. Like, it just feels like I'm just having, like. It feels like I'm having just plain, like, lint. There's, like a. There's like a velvety silkiness, like, elegance to it. Like, I feel, yeah, I feel richer. I feel when I'm eating a lint er. You heard that? Richer. I am rich in many things. Love, happiness, friendship, family.

[A]

Pure, bottom line, dollar sign. But yeah, just looking up at your face. But yeah, I agree with you. Because whenever I eat lint, it does feel like I'm. I put a slipper on my tongue, yo.

[B]

You know, I lid. Like I slid into like velvet slippers in a hotel and a hotel, and I'm just walking around on like padded carpet, you know?

[A]

And I feel like that chocolate, when.

[B]

You eat it, warm, it feels like it gets warm and cold at the same time somehow. And it feels like the Pokemon move surf is in my mouth youh know what I'm talking about. Like, there's just like a wave of chocolate.

[A]

You always have to take it to a step that I don't know.

[B]

What do you mean you don't know? You don't remember the move? I know first gen. I only know first jets in first gen, bitch.

[A]

Wait, what'd you say? I thought you said you surf.

[B]

Surf? Just surf?

[A]

Is that it? Oh, the move.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. When you know, like, you can then ride Lapras along to Cinnabar Island.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

Or you use it during a match and. And it. And it's just a wave of water across the whole screen. You can't miss, right?

[A]

And I. I thought you were naming a Pokemon that was named Usurf.

[B]

No, no, no. I was like, I don't know there. Believe it or not, the newer gen of Pokemon. Joe, I don't. There's a lot I don't know, you know, it's hard. It's hard to keep up with so many. There's over 700 now. Do you know 700 of anything besides slow 700 slurs? There are. No way. There's. They're out there. I'd say Google it, but how many slurs exist there? They're out there somewhere, dude.

[A]

I mean, that would be a crazy jump for all the things that I'm like, been Googling. Also, I've been heavy on the Google lately with weird shit, so I'm just not.

[B]

Oh, what else are you Googling?

[A]

I mean, I'm good. I was scrolling through like, that's scrolling.

[B]

What the hell is that? The fuck? This is scrolling.

[A]

No, we're not on my phone. I was like on like my Apple TV and I'm like, looking at shit and I saw like the. Have you seen the chimp crazy thing? The lady.

[B]

I've heard of it. I haven't Watched it yet, though.

[A]

I haven't watched it either, but I, like, read the little. How you doing? The blurb bio.

[B]

Blurb it up.

[A]

And I was like, okay. So I started just like getting a little precursor before I watch it.

[B]

Oh, look, you're edging yourself. A little foreplay before you watch it. Little four.

[A]

Little one, two, three, four, play. And it's very interesting what people do with animals, to be honest with you. Like, this woman loved this monkey pretty much.

[B]

You love your fucking dog. People love animals. That's like, out of control. Sarah McLaughlin taught us that's the right thing to do.

[A]

She breastfed the monkey, though. So Wait, what? That's different.

[B]

Wait, she breastfed? Yeah, a monkey.

[A]

Mm. What else was she gonna do? Monkey needed to eat.

[B]

I can. Monkeys I can name bananas. Where are you?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, but they eat other shit.

[B]

They. Apparently, they suck tits.

[A]

Well, he did. That day.

[B]

I mean, that's not that abnormal. That's what against the law. Oh, really?

[A]

To have an animal suck yourself?

[B]

Why we're drinking cows.

[A]

Bestiality.

[B]

Is that bestiality?

[A]

Yes, it is.

[B]

I don't think it's bestiality to let it. A monkey suck on your tits.

[A]

Thank you. That is frank.

[B]

I think BC Alley is when you suck on a monkey's tits or balls. We've seen monkey. I don't know if I've seen this monkey dick. We can. We can confirm we've seen monkey dicks. Where the hell are their balls?

[A]

Dude, it might be one of those things where they're indoors and then like. Only this stuff comes.

[B]

I mean, this is in Florida. You could have a pool outside, let your balls fucking fly in the water.

[A]

Not without it being surrounded by a fence.

[B]

Oh, yeah, because of alligators. So maybe the apes don't have balls because of alligators. That could be. That could be.

[A]

It's for protection.

[B]

Wait, no, seriously, look up the definition of bestiality. Are you saying beastiality?

[A]

Beastiality.

[B]

Beastiality.

[A]

It's not beast.

[B]

Well, yeah, but I'm. You know, I'm saying things in a way that I don't need to confine to your fucking laws.

[A]

Sir, it so incorrectly.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

What else you got?

[B]

Okay, fun guy. Bestiality. It's actually fungi, but.

[A]

I can't believe I just fell for that. Where I typed that in because the first three links are porn.

[B]

Yeah, I figured that.

[A]

I'm trying to look for it. Just.

[B]

Why didn't you write in definition. Why did you just type the word bestiality?

[A]

That's a Good question. That I don't have an answer for.

[B]

I think that was a subconscious way your brain wanted to find that. By the way, this already demonetized, so just let it.

[A]

Oh, because it's not called that anymore.

[B]

What the hell is it called?

[A]

Guess. It's a philia.

[B]

Beastophilia. All right, hold on. Let me fucking get animophilia.

[A]

That sounds like you love enemas.

[B]

Anima.

[A]

I know. It's. It's.

[B]

Wait, wait. What's there, like, proper. What's like the Latin word for beast? For ant? No, for an. For monkeys. Oh, no, we're talking all beasts. What is it. What is it when you.

[A]

Zoophilia.

[B]

Zoo.

[A]

It just says zoo. Philia.

[B]

That's stupid. I got. I mean, I'll be honest. From the definition of that. Who doesn't have zoo? Philly. I love zoos. They're great places.

[A]

I do. Like, a zoo is. The Greek is horny, though.

[B]

Philia is one of the Greek words for love. It's not necessarily horny.

[A]

Yeah, but a horny love.

[B]

No, I think it's like a brotherly love. That's why Philadelphia is called the city. A city of brotherly love. I'm serious, Frank. I'm Joey. There's different. It's like.

[A]

It's Delphia. Delphia. Wait, now you got me, Phil.

[B]

I'm. I don't. Well, because I know there's Fila.

[A]

Why are you saying that in that accent?

[B]

Because it's Greek. Fila is Greek. There's agape. There's Eros. Oh, there's different. Like, different types of love. There's like familial love. Love between lovers.

[A]

Before we get confused with all of the Latin and Greek that we're mixing in. Bad.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Bestiality, Zoophylia.

[B]

Yeah, let's make sure we make that.

[A]

All the feel is, well, Ophelia is fine.

[B]

If I ever met someone named Ophelia, I'd lose my mind.

[A]

But it's. When a person experiences a sexual fixation on non human animals.

[B]

Yes. Is breastfeeding an animal because they need to survive considered that it's not sexual? It is purely survival based.

[A]

I think that you have a case, but ultimately I think the jury will rule guilty.

[B]

I don't. I don't know. I don't know if this animal is. If a fucking chimp walks in here right now and it's on its deathbed.

[A]

First of all, if a chimp walked in here right now. Dude.

[B]

So pump.

[A]

I'm.

[B]

What?

[A]

I'm terrified.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Why? Well, I don't know which one is a chimp.

[B]

What if he's wearing like those old timey Yankee hats that are white with the blue stripes that I like a lot? You know, I'm talking about animals in.

[A]

Human clothes is better than anything.

[B]

Have you watched Nope. By Jordan Peele yet?

[A]

I have not.

[B]

Okay, maybe you should watch it before we continue this conversation.

[A]

Why?

[B]

There's some stuff in that movie. Oh, but that's my. I guess that's a valid question that this woman had to probably answer several times in her life.

[A]

So if you're getting it.

[B]

If you're getting a chimp, she had.

[A]

To answer several times.

[B]

I mean, if she's sitting there letting fucking chimps suck on her nips.

[A]

Yeah, she was a nurse. She was a former nurse turned exon. Exonimal exotic animal animal broker. Spends her days caring for animals in captivity, referring to herself as the Dolly Parton of chimps.

[B]

That sounds pretty sick. I'm gonna be honest. She's not. She's kind of making it sound pretty sick.

[A]

I mean, you got Dolly Parton famous for having big boobs, and now we're talking about breastfeeding this woman that's letting.

[B]

The chimps suck on her nipples. She's got knockers.

[A]

I don't know what. I assume she's not gonna just pull Dolly out of nowhere if there's not someone.

[B]

Yeah, you know what you're doing when you're calling yourself Dolly Parton? Unless she's singing to them too. They're sucking on her and she's like, Jolene Jo.

[A]

What was her name? Oh, her name is Tanya Haddocks Haddix.

[B]

With an X. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's.

[A]

Whoa, she's.

[B]

Yeah, she's.

[A]

She's.

[B]

She's built like a brick city. She.

[A]

She could. She definitely could breastfeed a chimp.

[B]

Wait.

[A]

And his boys.

[B]

And his boys. Imagine the chimp go back to his crew just like, yo, guys, there's an.

[A]

Endless amount, but you want to hear something crazy?

[B]

You have. No, they hold up their feet too, because they also look like hands. Like, yo, you guys have no idea.

[A]

What'S going on in there. She. Well, obviously she's lactating, so. She had a baby.

[B]

So she had a real baby, too, but she.

[A]

So she was.

[B]

She was double titting. So chimp a human baby. Yeah, dude. Imagine being the child. You're fucked for life, dude.

[A]

Yeah, like you shared your tit.

[B]

Shared. Yeah.

[A]

But, yeah, I couldn't even get it by myself.

[B]

Like, I get uncomfortable Sharing a sauna with people. Imagine if I was sharing my mom's boob with a animal.

[A]

That sentence is bananas, dude. That's a banana sentence. But apparently. So she like, had. She had the. She had the animals, right? The monkeys and then.

[B]

What kind of monkeys? Just chimps. Or she got another, you know, like cool monkeys in there.

[A]

Well, I mean, it said that she was an exotic animal, bro.

[B]

Giganticus.

[A]

Again, I. You know, you saying it again. And I know it's a monkey, but I don't.

[B]

They look like they're extinct.

[A]

Oh, they're stinked. She. So PETA got involved because there was like an alleged animal welfare abuses going on.

[B]

I mean, yeah, they sound like they're having the swell. Swell fair.

[A]

So they were. They were looking for all the chimps and they took all of them, but one was missing. What'd you say?

[B]

Concern about their welfare. I was like, it was swell fair. Jeez, PETA, throw the heat.

[A]

Monkey's like, we're good.

[B]

You know how many mink coats he has? Dude, Peter.

[A]

Mink coats he's got.

[B]

So we'll get those buckets of fucking paint ready, baby.

[A]

So there was a monkey named Tonka.

[B]

Tonka.

[A]

But she told them that he died.

[B]

Oh. But he was like, he was alive. He was alive. She probably hit him under her tits.

[A]

Yeah, that's basically what happened. He was. He was alive and living in a cage in her basement.

[B]

Oh, that's not nice. That's sad.

[A]

Unless it was a nice basement.

[B]

I mean, the cage is the problem, not necessarily just the basement.

[A]

Let's. Let's be honest about something.

[B]

There are pretty sick.

[A]

Gonna get him his own bed. You're gonna get him a room?

[B]

Well, you know, I. I think that would be the courteous thing to do, I think.

[A]

Don't have it.

[B]

What's worse? Being in a dingy basement in a cage or being in a nice basement in a cage?

[A]

The dingy.

[B]

You're probably right.

[A]

Nice furnished basement. Maybe there's a tv.

[B]

Yeah, but like. But you can't use it. It's there, but you can't use it. You know, I'd rather imagine a TV on a wall. I'm also not a chimp.

[A]

You'd rather.

[B]

You.

[A]

You'd rather imagine a tv, then see.

[B]

It and know I can't use it.

[A]

Frank, we do have some sponsors for today and maybe we'll get to something. We planned on talking about the first one being Squarespace. Squarespace is where you're going to build your websites. Okay. It's a great Platform where you can build websites, you can get domains and yeah, if you have a small business or something like that, then you can use Squarespace. I mean, I've used it to build all the websites that I've ever built. I've actually built one, my first ever website with something that wasn't Squarespace and it took me forever and it sucked. So Squarespace is the one. Trust me. If you have a small business or you make content or you want to promote something, you're gonna want to do it with Squarespace. You know, your website is usually your first impression and it has to look professional. Then people will trust you. You have a better chance of, you know, turning a profit there. So go to squarespace.com for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the code basement but squarespace.com basement to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain and use that code basement. Okay, so again, at a squarespace.com basement and you will save 10% off of your first purchase of a website or domain when you use the code basement. All right, and we also have SeatGeek. SeatGeek is the number one rated ticketing app in the App Store. It's where I buy all my tickets if I'm going to the, like a baseball game, which we are going to be going to soon. NFL game, NHL game, whatever it is, I'm going to. I just went to post them all recently at Jones Beach. Phenomenal, by the way. But I bought the tickets through SeatGeek. So yeah, that's where I do it. And everyone can use the code now. The code is Joe15. You'll get 15% off any tickets on SeatGeek. So go download the SeatGeek app. Save 15% on tickets. All right, use that code Joe15. You can use it for any tickets you buy at any point. It used to just be like your first time buying tickets. This is whenever. So Joe 15, save 15% on tickets with seat. Go download that app. Enjoy yourself with a little nice night out. Okay, anyway, back to this woman who's.

[B]

Before we get to some titty sucking ladies monkeys. Actually, titty sucking ladies monkeys. I'm going to tell you about something that may feel euphoric, like titty sucking. And that's Patreon. Patreon.com the basement yard. Thank you guys so much. Continuing to grow. Continuing to move in the right direction. And it's because of people like you, we're actually in conversation with Joe and Daddy Greg. We've been talking about different Things that we could do to continue to grow the Patreon and make it more enjoyable for you guys. So do me a favor, go to patreon.com thebasemanyard you sign up for that first tier, you get these weekly episodes one week in advance. And that second tier, not only you get the weekly episodes a week early, you get exclusive episodes every single Friday where they're. There's no ads and they're a little more unhinged. Kind of nuts, if I'm being honest. So that's where the first. I think that's where we first talk about a gigantic pithecus, which. That sounds. That's that right there is enough to want to get people to watch. So go check it out right now. Patreon.com the basement yard. Thank you, guys. We're creeping towards 33,000 and we're going to keep trying to get there and give you guys more of what you love, which is us talking about chimps sucking titties.

[A]

Joe, back to these big tits.

[B]

I just. I think there is a case if I'm a lawyer. Okay. Yeah, I went to law school.

[A]

Thanks for pointing that out. I assumed. If you're a lawyer.

[B]

I think that there is a case to be made that this is not considered any form of bestiality or zoophilia because it wasn't done sexually.

[A]

She did it to maternally.

[B]

Maternally, but still. Elites. Is it?

[A]

You can't have.

[B]

Having them might be bad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Crime, but, like, what if you find one in the wild?

[A]

You can't stumble upon monkeys.

[B]

Yes, you can. Dude. People do it all time.

[A]

I mean. Yeah, I guess they do.

[B]

Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah, so, like, you're stumbling about. That's what I would do. I'll be honest.

[A]

If I was spider monkeys. I don't know if that's the right word.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's a racist term.

[A]

What?

[B]

No, I'm kidding.

[A]

Scared the shit out of me.

[B]

I think if I was a woman and I had giant beanbags, right, And I was walking in the jungle and I saw monkeys, my first line of defense is just dump my tits out defense. Well, just so they don't attack me.

[A]

Oh, so you're preemptively dumb.

[B]

I would think boobs are the universal language.

[A]

Okay, so like. Yeah, like it's supper's ready is what I mean.

[B]

There are clo. If you believe in evolution, which I know you say you don't, they are our closest animal relatives. Right. So they'll immediately understand when they see tits. Right.

[A]

They'll go. Everyone gets that. Everyone knows what a nipple is.

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[A]

They know you're supposed to feel like.

[B]

You know, like, instead, like, we're. As men. Worse. We're like, yo, like, don't bother us. We throw our hands up, they immediately want to fight us.

[A]

Right? You're gonna dump them out.

[B]

Dump them out.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Not a bad move.

[A]

Well, that's an interesting life that you would live. I'm glad that you're not a woman.

[B]

If you were to suck on the nipple of any animal, what would it be?

[A]

I don't understand. You want to derail our career? You want this podcast to go to shit, or you want to have an extensive conversation about beast.

[B]

I'm not saying for sexual gratification. Like, say you're in the desert. I'm gonna paint a picture. All right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Close your eyes. Nipples everywhere.

[A]

Okay. Wait, am I in the desert?

[B]

You're in the desert. That's why you should probably start with that. Close your eyes again.

[A]

Okay, they're closed.

[B]

You're in the desert.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

And you are starving. You are dehydrated.

[A]

Famished.

[B]

Yes, exactly. You are famished.

[A]

Frank, if you throw something at me, I'll kill you.

[B]

God damn it. You are.

[A]

Oh, there goes prank. Prank. Frank, at it again. Almost pranked you. I was gonna get you good.

[B]

All right, but you don't need to close your eyes, but, like, you're famished, you're dehydrated, and, like, you. You're clinging on to life, and you need to suck on the nipples of an animal. Which ones would suck in this disaster scenario?

[A]

Maybe a cow? Does that count?

[B]

Yeah, I would say a cow's fine.

[A]

Those are tits.

[B]

They technically, it's tit with four nipples.

[A]

Wait, what?

[B]

It's one big tit.

[A]

Is it? So, wait, these are udders.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

I think that's the upper udder. I think you have the upper utter middle, utter lower udder. And those are. Those, I think, are the nippies.

[A]

No, these are udders.

[B]

No, I think the whole thing is the udder.

[A]

And then all the pink.

[B]

That's like, for instance, your whole boob is your boob, but then you have different parts of the boob. You should have the nipple.

[A]

Areola.

[B]

Areola.

[A]

Also, maybe that's the areola of the cow.

[B]

Well, you should probably look it up now, honestly, at this point, you're getting a knock on your door from the FBI.

[A]

I don't even know what to type in. What's the big.

[B]

What is the half? What are the parts of the udders?

[A]

What's the pink half circle next to the utters?

[B]

No, no, just say parts of another. Parts of another.

[A]

Parts of another.

[B]

Parts of another. Just look it up. Go, go, go. There's different parts, right?

[A]

I mean, they're talking about tissue here.

[B]

I don't want to know tissue. I just want to know, like, is there, like, a diagram?

[A]

I just want.

[B]

Is there a diagram?

[A]

I'm on images now. Oh, something's wrong with that cow.

[B]

That's crazy, bro.

[A]

That's a full bag.

[B]

I would say a full bag.

[A]

A full bag.

[B]

Oh, all right. What are we talking here? Teat. But it is a teat. That makes sense. You suck on the teat, you got the little penis part of the utter.

[A]

But the whole thing is the ud.

[B]

I think the whole thing is the utter. So the whole. The whole house is a home, and there are different rooms, and one of those rooms has teats. Gotcha.

[A]

Well, the teat is a teat.

[B]

We're moving somewhere.

[A]

Yeah, I think we're there.

[B]

We're in the right direction.

[A]

That's interesting. So utter is more. Oh, wait, I don't know.

[B]

Frogs and toads. No, frogs and toads. Wrong. No, it is not wrong.

[A]

Geez. What was the last time you milked a cow? Preschool with me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Kind of wild to be letting preschool kids milk.

[B]

Dude, they were. They were nuts back then. They were telling us about horses that'll remember us forever and shit like that.

[A]

What?

[B]

You don't remember that?

[A]

I was in pre K. I was Scream. No, I don't remember.

[B]

First of all, you were four.

[A]

I was four.

[B]

It was fall of 1996. It's where you and I first met. Okay. I still vividly remember what I wore that day and the Goosebumps lunch box that I had. So don't fucking talk shit.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We went to the zoo, and it was. They were like, this is a horse. Horses have such great memory that if you were to come back in 20 years, they'll remember you. And it fucked my whole day until I got a bag of cheese noodles or something. Yeah, you know, for roll up.

[A]

We'll handle that real quick.

[B]

Yeah, but, like, I don't know. Apparently horses and elephants just have great memories.

[A]

I know the elephant thing, but horses, I didn't know. They, like, remember everything too.

[B]

Dude, when we were in New York, I had to, like, tell Becca.

[A]

Like, when we were in New York?

[B]

Yeah, when we were in New York for Radio City and I stayed Overnight, we stayed in the hotel, and Wednesday morning, we woke up, we went for a nice walk in Central Park.

[A]

With a zoo.

[B]

No, but I had to. I had to, like, stop her because she's like, I'm going to say hi to every horse that is here.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

It's like, you probably shouldn't. We don't have all day, right? Fucking dozen horses. And she's talking to them like, oh, this one's sad.

[A]

Dude, I'll be honest with you. Those horses in Central park break my little heart.

[B]

You too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're a little heart boy. I.

[A]

Animals get me so easily. It's insane.

[B]

Okay, I don't. Whatever.

[A]

Heartless pig.

[B]

No, I care. But, like, they. I'm sure, like, it is so heavily regulated now that, like, it isn't.

[A]

It's actually an issue, actually.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Like, people, like, hate that those. They let the horses do that.

[B]

Oh, then maybe I should feel sad about it. Ask. Say it again. Say how you feel.

[A]

How do you feel about the horses? Nice. We all believe you. Yeah.

[B]

No, honestly, I assume there was one.

[A]

Year we, like, went to Central Park. Maybe it. Maybe it was like, the tree. I don't know. But, like, my sister's walking on the sidewalk, and she's just yelling about these horses out loud, and it's like. Was like, shan, shut the fuck up. Because there's a poor little Swedish old Swedish couple in the back thinking they're getting the New York experience. And Shan's like, no, this thing hurts them. It's. They're gonna die. And I'm like, shan.

[B]

I mean, she's not wrong, all right? But also, the Swedish people probably don't speak much English. They're. They're not thinking about it. They're paying their $60 to go two blocks on a horse in New York City, and they're having the time of their lives.

[A]

Wild how much that shit costs. I've never done it. Have you?

[B]

I almost did when Becca and I were here, and I heard the guy, like, he was like, the first half miles, $40. $40. And I was like, get the fuck out of here. Half mile for $40, I better be riding this thing my fucking self. Yeah, you know what I mean? You know? What do you think I am? Who do you think I am, Joe Santagotto?

[A]

Yeah, come on. If I'm paying $40, I better be able to hi.

[B]

That thing, you know, if you give me.

[A]

Want a wheel to fall off and let's get real interesting around.

[B]

Oh, no, that's scary, dude.

[A]

Oh, that's some fucking danger.

[B]

Well, you're talking. You're talking about, like, the chariot part of it. I want to be, like, sitting on the horse. Oh, yeah. Walking through, holding on to his. I want to hear that. I'll ride the horse just to hear the clip clop. I'll be honest with you.

[A]

And you don't even have to ride it to hear that.

[B]

I know, but it feels cooler when you're riding because, like, I'm doing that. Yeah. You know?

[A]

Yeah. I'm big on the fucking changing the horseshoes on, like, videos I love.

[B]

Oh, there's, like, the guys just, like, file is down. Oh, no, there's a little bit of liquid. We're gonna cut around, and it just.

[A]

Like, farts it out, and it's like. There's, like, this liquid just coming out, like.

[B]

Oh, it's puss. You fully ruined it. Fully ruined it.

[A]

I mean, it's an infection. It's pus.

[B]

I know, but. But you don't need to call it that. You can just call it, like, there's liquid cream. That's way worse.

[A]

I don't know how to make you comfortable. If this is the real world, horses get a little bit of cream in their feet, all right? That's what happens. Sorry, Peter Pan. Time to grow up. Horses got infections, I think.

[B]

I'm grown up. I'm grown up. I'm not the one here wearing a fucking. A cool giraffe on my hat.

[A]

Giraffes are awesome.

[B]

I know. That's why I said cool. That's why I said cool. You ever see them drink water? They're stupid ass. Fucking bow legs. I hate. If I ever saw that in the wild, I'm throwing a rocket. One of their legs, when they let you know, just letting you know, just letting you know.

[A]

They literally, like, I don't know how to get, like, get on a knee.

[B]

They look like. Like. You ever seen a cartoon when, like, a. Like a very large person sits in a chair and all the legs bow out? Yeah, that's what they look like, dude.

[A]

That's so funny. They're like, that's funny. I love giraffes, bro. If you go to the Bronx Zoo, you can go feed them, and they'll come up to your fucking face, dude.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I would let a giraffe lick my face.

[B]

We grew like. It's so funny looking back on when we grew up and just be like, how was this allowed when we grew up? Do you remember if you'd go to Six Flags and they had like the, like safari. You could drive through. Bring a can of coke and you can drive through a safari. One plus like one person for free. And the giraffes would just put their head in your window.

[A]

Dude, I want that to happen to me so bad.

[B]

Yeah, until they lick your ear off. Dude, those tongues are meant for industrial grade sucking. You think that they're going to let your ear go?

[A]

I don't love the color.

[B]

Yeah, if you're.

[A]

If your tongue is gray, it's like a purpley gray. It's like a. Like a weird old rim.

[B]

Yeah, that one.

[A]

Like my grandma's leg.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Like a vein and a.

[B]

God, your grandma's legs are disgusting.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, yours were worse.

[B]

Hers were inflamed. At least you didn't see the veins. Like your fucking translucent grandmother's legs.

[A]

Okay, you want to talk about legs on grandmothers? Because we can go there. Grandma's legs were all scratched up from the cat. You think I forgot about that?

[B]

No, I hope you didn't because it's something I unfortunately have to remember as well. What to title this, I have no idea.

[A]

Dude, it's crazy. We do have some sponsors here that.

[B]

We'Re going to close out that are never coming back.

[A]

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[B]

Whoa, that was a little. That was a bit of a mouthful.

[A]

It was a wordy.

[B]

It was.

[A]

But yeah. Lastly here, really interesting play out there if you want to go see. I don't know when Wicked comes out. Do you know?

[B]

I think it's next week. As of recording. Ariana Grande is hosting SNL this week.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

Yeah. So I think it's next week it comes out.

[A]

So this is not like Wicked at all apparently. But it is Wicked.

[B]

I heard, apparently I heard about this.

[A]

There's a, a show that I don't. It's an opera show.

[B]

Oh. Which I don't, you know, if I don't understand it, I don't care. And I can't understand certain, like, loud singing.

[A]

Why is opera different?

[B]

Like, it's just louder singing and like longer singing too. Like, yeah, I, I, you know me, I support, I support, I support, I support. But opera, I don't like. It's. That's too much. Like, that's when. That's what I like. People are just being annoying and being like, oh, all right, this is good.

[A]

It's too much sing.

[B]

Great.

[A]

I would. Yeah, they sound amazing. But I would like to be outside in Italy if I'm gonna hear it.

[B]

But they're the acoustics, brother. The acoustics. They're not. They're not acoustic.

[A]

What's it called? Surround sound?

[B]

Yeah, no, I think the opera, like, we've peaked with like musical theater. Stop it there. Anything louder and longer and deeper and just more intense. Like opera. Don't need it, bro.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I don't know how much singing is in this either, but, you know, the headline for this article says explicit lesbian scenes at the opera leaves 18 audience members needing medical treatment.

[B]

I saw this. I saw.

[A]

I don't know about you, but I am bought in. I want.

[B]

Oh, you're fully in.

[A]

Well, I mean, there's a. There's an opera show that's putting people in the house.

[B]

Of course you would, you freak. But you would. You go to the places like the box. And of course, if you hear that there's something that it. Because I saw this article and it was like. It includes real blood, it includes fake blood, which just, Just do it all fake blood. Don't need to go this further.

[A]

Illegal to be bloody at work.

[B]

Youk tell me, you tell me. You go to.

[A]

Is it yes.

[B]

Is it yes. Is it?

[A]

Asking again is not going to change my hands.

[B]

Have you seen the clip from that movie Megalopolis?

[A]

What is that?

[B]

Francis Ford Coppola?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

It's gotten a little bit of hot water. There's some stuff which we're not gonna talk about, but he's. He like sold some of his winery in order to like self fund this movie. And it's apparently just an absolute, just disaster of a movie. And there's one part where fucking the girl from Natalie Emanuel I think is her name. She's from Game of Thrones where he's like, you're entitled. And she's like, entitled, yes. Entitled. Yes. Entitled, yes.

[A]

You took us on that ride for that.

[B]

And then he says like, I want to talk about art and signs of people. So if you don't want to go back to the club.

[A]

What is this?

[B]

It's fucking Jon Voight has a boner and shoots Shia LaBeouf in the ass. It's crazy.

[A]

Jon Voight and Shia LaBeouf are in it.

[B]

And Aubrey Plaza.

[A]

Is it a comedy?

[B]

It's not supposed to be.

[A]

It will be. But this one. This is the article that says a Night at the Opera is usually quite the classy affair, but this cast of naked roller skating nuns.

[B]

I will say this.

[A]

That sounds fire.

[B]

That sounds pretty cool.

[A]

Naked roller skating nuns. Roller skating nuns alone is hilarious.

[B]

That's really cool. Honestly, I'm not against nuns. I'm fine with nuns.

[A]

I'm fine with nuns. Naked nuns.

[B]

The naked nuns. That seems like they're not really nuns. It seems like that's Halloween, babe.

[A]

It feels like that's a mistake.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

It feels like you can't be a nun in naked.

[B]

That's what we call Halloween is sexy nuns. Bloody woman of the fucking Coventry or whatever it's called.

[A]

Any way that you kind of pair these three words, it's kind of cool. Roller skating nuns cool. Naked roller skating cool.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, but you got to be careful. If you're a man and you need a you when you fall, you need to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Crawl.

[A]

But this cast of naked roller skating nuns have managed to turn that on its head with their eye popping performance that left 18 people in the audience need medical treatment. Throw in a few explicit lesbian sex scenes and some real blood alongside the scantily clad sisters of the church, and you have yourself a recipe for quite the thrilling night in the theater. Why are people going to the hospital? Is it too lesbian?

[B]

It's too. It might be.

[A]

It might be too lesbian.

[B]

The lesbians might be trying to kill us. Honestly, that's what they're doing.

[A]

Are they lesbian roller skating naked nuns?

[B]

I mean, that just sounds like a Quentin Tarantino movie, if you're asking me. And it doesn't sound like what I wouldn't watch. Does sound like a Quintaraton.

[A]

And if it was Quentin Tarantino, I'd be like, naked roller skating nuns with perfect feet.

[B]

With perfect feet that all say the N word. It's like, yeah, chill out, Quentin. We get it, okay? We know it's set in a certain time. You don't need to really drive it home. That's so true. He loves putting the N word into, like, aggressively too.

[A]

There's only been two performances of it so far since this premiere on October 5th, but more than a half a dozen people who have seen it have ended up suffering with shock and nausea due to his salacious scenes. Dramatic.

[B]

I. I think it is. But apparently people are very sensitive to that.

[A]

Like, if you're going to the opera, you probably are, bro.

[B]

Like that dude on. That dude on. On TikTok we spoke about at one of the shows. Dalton.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He just looks at pictures of stuff and he's throwing up.

[A]

That's fair.

[B]

I don't know. Listen, I've seen. I'm not proud of this. I have seen one cup, this guy. It'll be like, you know, gelatinized beans and hot dogs covered in like a gray grave. And he's like, oh, what the fuck? That's fucking nasty. I hate beans. And listen, I support Dalton, but like, he also just sees like octopus. Octopuses never made me throw up because I love.

[A]

I mean, if it's surrounded by other.

[B]

Shit, it's like stuffed in a chicken. Yeah. That's crazy.

[A]

I mean, sounds delicious.

[B]

The lesbians. So that this is what they're trying to do. They know it's the lesbians. Is the lesbian. It's naked roller skating nuns. It's you roller skating that are bleeding all over the place.

[A]

Church going lesbians with your blood.

[B]

They're bleeding all over the place. Are trying to kill the men, the straight men that they know are going to these shows. It is a conspiracy. And we will get to the bottom. We'll get to the bottom of those naked roller skating, bleeding nuns.

[A]

Those who had a physical reaction to the chaos unfolding in front of them were sat in the rows near the stage, according to a spokesperson who added that they would have known what they are getting themselves in for. Interesting.

[B]

I'll be honest with you. If you hear naked roller skating, bleeding nuns on the poster, you.

[A]

You wear a poncho if you're gonna be in the front row.

[B]

Kinda, you know, there's a splash zone. Oh, yeah, exactly. This isn't, you know, a fucking Rocky Horror picture show. There's gonna be some shit going on.

[A]

I'll be honest with you, dude. We may have to take a field trip.

[B]

Where is it?

[A]

I don't know. I feel like this feels European.

[B]

There's two women, they love nudity over there.

[A]

They do, but there's two women and nuns. There's two women dressed as, like construction workers and they're holding like a pipe. And the pipe has a bunch of like, I guess, ropes or whatever. And there's a woman Laying in those ropes, being carried across the stage.

[B]

This sounds about right.

[A]

Like, I'm just.

[B]

This sounds like. I'll be really honest with you. If you had told me in, like, 10 minutes, like, by the way, I have seen this live, I'd be like, yeah, this sounds like your show. It's. It's people like you here.

[A]

It is the story of a nun who discovers her sexuality.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[A]

Which ends up sending the entire nunnery into a hub of sexual frenzy. So she was probably just like, yo, you guys ever seen a penis? And then there's blood.

[B]

Well, they're lesbians, so they don't care about penises.

[A]

That's fair.

[B]

They care about each other's. You know, Holy Bibles.

[A]

Open up to chapter 69.

[B]

I'll be honest. What the fuck? Nuns discovering sexuality. Where does roller skating come into this? That's the least sexy activity I could think of.

[A]

Yeah, that's not great. There's an actress with dwarfism who levitates in the air before being spun around by a robotic arm. And another dressed up as Jesus, bailing out some of Eminem's tracks.

[B]

Wait, like the rapper Marshall Mathers.

[A]

There's an actress with dwarfism who levitates in the air before being spun around by a robotic arm.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And another one dressed up as Jesus, belting out Eminem songs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, I have to see this.

[B]

Now, where does he say he's playing?

[A]

I don't know. I don't know, man. But I'm scared. Oh. Oh, no, that's not. That's the name of the. Where is this? Mmm. I don't know. Sorry, can't do it. I would like to go, though.

[B]

That sounds interesting. Oh. Ah.

[A]

Is that how you stretch you?

[B]

Yeah, sometimes. God.

[A]

Where is this thing? Ah. Shreya.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that sounds about right.

[A]

This sucks.

[B]

Who wrote this? I don't know any descendants? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. There's a picture. Oh. Of the naked nuns.

[A]

Of the. No. Of the actress with dwarfism being spun around by robotic arm.

[B]

You can't.

[A]

And they are definitely being spun around by the robotic arm.

[B]

Well, I would imagine that the reason that they're up upside down is because they're being spun.

[A]

They are? Yes. And they're. They're. This is just bananas. That's all. Have I had. That's all we got for that.

[B]

Yeah, that's. I mean, what else. What else do you need there? You know what I'm saying, folks?

[A]

Yeah, I would go see it. I'm not gonna travel for it, but if it was like down.

[B]

If you just happen to be in Austria or if it, like came to.

[A]

New York and they just like, wanted to.

[B]

Don't know, New York would get worse with it. The bleeding will. Because they let like fucking rats nipple on their fucking nipples or something.

[A]

Back at nipples.

[B]

That's a callback, baby. That's. That is comedy, folks.

[A]

That is a callback.

[B]

Callback.

[A]

And now we're gonna have to name this something about nipples, which I'm not gonna know you.

[B]

The name.

[A]

The name can just be.

[B]

We're chimp crazy.

[A]

We're chimp crazy. Yeah, Just two chimp crazy kind of guys.

[B]

Just.

[A]

Well, now I'm talking like.

[B]

Yeah. Now you're talking like. Yeah. Why are you got to bring it back to him.

[A]

Well, guys, go, guys.

[B]

Double chug choker. Go.

[A]

I'll be honest with you.

[B]

Every. Every. Every 30 minutes, I say it.

[A]

The chicken bake looks good.

[B]

Yeah, it does. It does.

[A]

I saw someone on Tick Tock make a homemade one and I was like, that shit looks good.

[B]

It does. It doesn't look bad.

[A]

There's like cheese in it, right?

[B]

I believe there is some cheese. Wait, that.

[A]

You said that. Anyway, Frank, where can they find you?

[B]

F Albers885 on Twitter, the Frank Alvarez and all the forms of social media. The beige me on everything Beijing. And maybe I'm a double joke dog. The Googie.

[A]

You know, you do you do that a lot.

[B]

Double joke Jogi.

[A]

No. Well, that you do too.

[B]

Double.

[A]

But you go.

[B]

What?

[A]

Like when at the end you just like, slur your words into being. What are you doing with your fingers again?

[B]

You're an audio only listener. Joe is confused because he's asking me to finger him. I am not.

[A]

Frank is. I don't know, it looks like you have one finger or you're missing a finger is what I meant to say.

[B]

Oh, you mean this.

[A]

Okay. By the way, I saw a dog this morning with three legs.

[B]

Don't care. So go check out the show.

[A]

It's amazing that they're just chilling.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you think they know?

[B]

They have to know. They're not allowed. They're not allowed to.

[A]

You think they get upset or they're just like, no, I'm just like, whatever. It's good.

[B]

They're dogs.

[A]

Yeah. You guys can go follow me at Joe Santagato. Go follow the show on Tick Tock and Instagram at the basement yard and. Yeah. That is all. We appreciate you guys. Big things in the pipeline here. Can't wait to tell you guys about it. But that is all for this week's episode. Thank you guys so much. And we'll see you guys next.

[B]

That hurt. That hurt my hand.