#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode

Summary

The Basement Yard Episode #491 - Joe's Birthday Episode Summary

Introduction: Celebrating Joe’s Milestone Birthday Timestamp: [00:00 – 00:53]

In Episode #491 of The Basement Yard, host Joe Santagato and his friend Frank kick off the show with an exuberant celebration of Joe’s 33rd birthday. The episode begins with playful banter about Joe reaching an age divisible by 11, leading to jokes about Joe embodying "three 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other, Muppet-style." Frank humorously muses, “Be three 11 year olds. Is that weird?” prompting Joe to respond, “I will be 33 years old. God damn.”

Feeling the Weight of Growing Older Timestamp: [00:53 – 02:38]

The conversation quickly turns to the sentiment of aging, with both hosts expressing mixed feelings about turning 33. Frank shares an amusing encounter with a student newspaper at Penn State, which inaccurately labeled them as "basically 40 years old." Joe laments, “That hurt me deeply,” reflecting their playful lament about entering their thirties. They joke about traditional signs of aging but agree that Joe doesn’t quite feel the physical manifestations yet.

Birthday Plans: Vancouver Comedy Festival or Miami Getaway Timestamp: [02:03 – 02:56]

As they discuss how to celebrate, Joe reveals plans to attend the Just for Laughs comedy festival in Vancouver, marking his first visit to the city. Frank adds excitement about the trip, saying, “I’ve never been.” However, Joe contemplates a spontaneous Miami trip instead, contemplating whether to share his plans publicly or keep them private.

A Heartfelt Birthday Gift: The Mariachi Band Performance Timestamp: [04:21 – 07:05]

Frank surprises Joe with a special birthday gift: a live mariachi band performance. Addressing Joe's aversion to traditional birthday celebrations, Frank explains, “Joe, he hates celebrating his birthday. So we had to do something.” The episode features a lively rendition of “Happy Birthday,” capturing the spirit and effort put into the surprise. Joe reacts with both amusement and gratitude, exclaiming, “That was incredible,” as the mariachi band fills the studio with festivity.

Francisco’s Slam Poem: A Humorous Tribute Timestamp: [12:42 – 18:52]

Continuing the birthday festivities, Frank introduces a personalized slam poem written by his friend Francisco, a three-time Slam Poetry of the Year winner. The poem humorously narrates Joe’s life, touching on quirky traits and inside jokes. Despite initial apprehension, Joe finds parts of the poem amusing, particularly lines like, “Joe lives life with a pencil dick,” though he expresses discomfort with some of the more risqué humor. The exchange highlights the camaraderie and playful teasing between the hosts, ultimately adding a heartfelt and entertaining element to the celebration.

Strip Clubs and Nostalgia: A Light-Hearted Discussion Timestamp: [10:00 – 19:00]

The conversation shifts to reminiscing about strip clubs, with Frank and Joe sharing their mixed feelings. They debate the prevalence and appeal of strip clubs in different regions, joking about Frank’s past interest in joining a cigar club and the stereotypical image of strip clubs as places owned by wrestlers like “the Godfather from WWE.” The discussion is interspersed with humorous remarks about their own attitudes towards strip clubs and the changing social dynamics surrounding them.

Segment Break: Skipping Advertisements Timestamp: [27:21 – 60:29]

In accordance with podcast guidelines, this summary omits the detailed transcript portion covering advertisements for sponsors like Squarespace, Caraway, Patreon, Better Help, and Omaha Steaks. These segments promoted various products and services, offering discount codes and emphasizing the importance of listener support through platforms like Patreon.

Satirical Legislation: The “Contraception Begins at Erection” Bill in Ohio Timestamp: [34:25 – 44:50]

A significant portion of the episode features a satirical discussion about a fictional Ohio bill titled “Contraception Begins at Erection Act.” Frank outlines the absurdity of the proposed legislation, which aims to make it illegal to discharge semen or genetic material without the intent to fertilize an embryo. Joe humorously navigates the complexities and potential ramifications of such a law, questioning its enforcement and logical inconsistencies. They joke about the impossibility of enforcing such a bill, imagining absurd scenarios like police officers using black lights to detect violations. The segment serves as a comedic critique of overreaching legislation and societal controls.

Musical Preferences and Wedding Songs: Navigating Nostalgia Timestamp: [50:02 – 57:39]

Frank and Joe delve into a nostalgic discussion about iconic wedding songs, ranking favorites and least favorites. They debate the merits of classics like “Mambo Number Five,” “Who Let the Dogs Out,” “The Macarena,” and “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire. The hosts share personal anecdotes about these songs being staples at weddings and grade them based on their enduring appeal and cultural significance. Joe expresses his dislike for the “Electric Slide” and talks about the ubiquitous presence of songs like “YMCA” and “The Wobble” at social gatherings. This segment highlights their shared experiences and humorous take on generational music preferences.

Reality TV and Viral Phenomena: Breaking Down Temptation Island Timestamp: [60:30 – 72:04]

Towards the end of the episode, Frank and Joe examine a viral Spanish version of Temptation Island, a reality TV show where couples attempt to test the strength of their relationships amid temptations. They provide a playful play-by-play of an intense episode featuring a participant named Montoya, who reacts vehemently to viewing his partner’s infidelity on the show. The hosts mock the dramatization and editing choices that amplify Montoya’s emotional turmoil, comparing the situation to harsh reality TV tropes. They reflect on the show's impact and the exaggerated performances that drive viewership, all while maintaining their characteristic humor and candidness.

Closing Remarks: Reflecting on a Memorable Birthday Episode Timestamp: [71:53 – 72:04]

As the episode wraps up, Frank reiterates the uniqueness of the celebration, calling it a "star-studded episode" with mariachi bands and slam poetry. Joe thanks his friends and listeners for making the birthday special, expressing appreciation for the thoughtful gestures and humorous exchanges. The hosts sign off with mutual gratitude, marking the episode as a memorable milestone in The Basement Yard series.

Notable Quotes:

• Frank [00:19]: “Epic birthday episode as of recording. Not your birthday tomorrow.”

• Joe [00:25]: “I will be 33 years old.”

• Frank [00:26]: “Be three 11 year olds. Is that weird?”

• Joe [02:03]: “We don't have to do that. I might go to Miami.”

• Frank [04:35]: “He sings to your birthday. Hit it. Happy birthday to you.”

• Frank [12:49]: “Francisco wrote you a Brief poem. He wanted me to read it to you.”

• Frank [41:31]: “The red face.”

• Joe [43:31]: “The weight of this is getting insane.”

• Frank [44:39]: “Or just kill this bill.”

• Joe [50:15]: “Mambo number five.”

• Frank [60:36]: “Yo, if you guys are living under a rock, allow us to lift it up and skip it across a pond, because this is the greatest thing that's hit the Internet.”

This episode stands out as a blend of heartfelt celebration, humorous banter, and insightful (albeit satirical) commentary on societal issues, all wrapped in the signature style of The Basement Yard podcast.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome back to the base. Welcome back to the basement yard, Frank. Oh, you look excited.

[B]

Yeah. You know why? Epic birthday episode as of recording. Not your birthday tomorrow.

[A]

No, no, but it is.

[B]

But it's your birthday. When this comes out to the pub, when it comes out to the puppies.

[A]

I will be 33 years old.

[B]

God damn.

[A]

It's divisible by 11, which means you'll.

[B]

Be three 11 year olds. Is that weird?

[A]

Yeah, that's very strange to say, but I guess that's why. No three 11 year olds are all 11, dude.

[B]

But like, if you stack them on top of each other, like Muppet style.

[A]

Not how age works. If they're standing on top of each other.

[B]

Cumulatively, if you put the knowledge of three 11 year olds together, that's pretty much where you're at.

[A]

It could be higher. I, I, I don't know. I don't know how I feel about being 33 years old.

[B]

This is our. It feels old as shit. You know what? Someone fucked with me though, one time and they said like, you 33, but you just completed your 33rd year. Like, this is your 30.

[A]

Yeah, like now I'm 30. Ew.

[B]

You got to do like four technically. Yeah. That's crazy. We also did get absolutely eviscerated by the student, like newspaper people at Penn State that told us that we're basically 40 years old. He's close to 40 year olds. They said these 40 year old men can relate to 20 year old girls. I don't like that. That hurts.

[A]

Yeah, that hurt me deeply.

[B]

That Call me deep. That now you're, you're, you're this much closer. You're this much closer to 40. How do you feel?

[A]

Not good.

[B]

Are you getting any of like the traditional? Because the minute you turn 30, it's like you're 100. Are you getting like back pain and all that stuff?

[A]

No, I actually.

[B]

Your knee sucks.

[A]

I mean, I hurt my knee skiing. I didn't suck.

[B]

Your knee sucks pretty bad when he's fine. Oh, you got. That's right. I was confused. You heard it sucking.

[A]

What the fuck are you laughing? It's my birthday.

[B]

This is horseshit. It's good. It's all fun. Well, are we doing anything for your birthday, by the way? Are we just hanging out?

[A]

I mean, we're going to Vancouver Bankuva.

[B]

That's right. We're gonna be out there for the Just for Last comedy festival. By the time this comes out, some people might have already seen the. Been to the show or. Yeah, you know, but I'm excited. I've never been. You're.

[A]

I've never been to Vancouver.

[B]

So. Wait, so this is also. We're treating this as like your little birthday trip.

[A]

We don't have to do that. I might go to Miami.

[B]

This kid hates. How about you tell people so they can celebrate with you? You just want to pick up and go to Miami?

[A]

My birthday's on a Tuesday. It's fucking like.

[B]

I mean, you know, people like to celebrate with you, make you do things with you.

[A]

I understand that, you know, people want.

[B]

To spend time with you. I understand, you know, now that you're basically 40 years old, Frankie, also, you're.

[A]

Like how many months behind me?

[B]

Four. Sick. Five. Five months. Four. Five.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm only five months behind you, so.

[A]

It'S not that crazy. I'm not 40, bro.

[B]

Isn't it weird to think of that though? Like when you were a five month old baby? I was just born. Yeah.

[A]

I was in this world and you weren't in the world, dude.

[B]

I know. It's up. Like the world without me sucks. The world without you was like, what the. Is that you? Wow. I mean. So yeah, I got you a little birthday gift.

[A]

This is my birthday?

[B]

This is birthday gift.

[A]

You sent this? Okay.

[B]

I mean, I figured that, you know, we want. You don't like celebrating your birthday. Those. You guys don't know. Joe, he hates celebrating his birthday. So we had to do something. You know, me, Greg, aunt, We got together, we wanted to do a little something.

[A]

I see this kid pick up a camera and I'm like.

[B]

He was very giddy. You saw. He was like. Yeah, but you know, obviously it's your birthday gift, so gentlemen, if you don't mind, hit it. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. I mean, out of this world. Wow. That was incredible.

[A]

That was way long.

[B]

Absolutely unbelievable. You heard that whistle? Can you do the whistle? I don't know how anyone could whistle like that.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

That was pretty impressive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Better than. Better than I. Definitely better than you could sing, you know, so my heart rate's probably like 120. Really? Oh, well, happy birthday, you know? Yeah. Did you enjoy it?

[A]

Did I. Yeah. Oh, I think. Oh, that's.

[B]

Yeah. He's come out this way, guys. Yeah, no, that was very good and loud.

[A]

If we don't get evicted, that'll be a shot.

[B]

Yo, that whistle that this guy hit, world record. That's a pretty like. And like, he did like, the Spanish was like the like white woman whistle is, you know that one.

[A]

Can you do that.

[B]

No, I can't. I want to learn, though.

[A]

Can you do it? No, I can't.

[B]

People that could do that whistle.

[A]

It's loud.

[B]

It's very loud, bro. Espo's dad, that's how he would signal for them to come home and eat. All you would hear is just a whistle? Yeah, dude, Like a fucking. Like they were cattle?

[A]

Yeah, I was gonna say, like, they're birds or some shit.

[B]

Becca, too? Becca's. She said she was like. We'd be at the park, and we'd hear my mom whistle, and that's how we knew it was time to go home.

[A]

How far away from the park did they live?

[B]

I mean, a whistle sound travels.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

But he did the Spanish whistle, which is just like.

[A]

Yeah, they just do it here. That was incredible, dude.

[B]

That was really, really loud.

[A]

That was awesome.

[B]

So there you go. You like that? As a birthday gift.

[A]

Yeah, that was cool.

[B]

I didn't know that was on your bucket list, you know, such a white person bucket list. Like, I want to see a mariachi band.

[A]

Why is that a white bucket list?

[B]

Because, like, you should just do that, like.

[A]

No, I'm just saying those are. That's something that exists in the world. Would be cool to experience.

[B]

That was pretty cool. Yeah, that was pretty sick. Do you think you could play that horn?

[A]

The trumpet, you mean?

[B]

It was like. It noted. Just a trumpet. There was, like a. Another aspect to it.

[A]

I don't know, but, I mean, I can't. The trumpets.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

Louis Armstrong made it fucking cool.

[B]

Really cool. Yo, you want to hear some shit? Miles got gifted a saxophone the other day, and I kind of want to.

[A]

From who? Bill Clinton? Who gives away saxophone?

[B]

I think his dad was doing, like, a job, and he found, like, got paid in saxophone. But, bro, I'm not even. Not even gonna fucking lie. I was so jealous.

[A]

Is it a child one or like a.

[B]

It's a saxophone.

[A]

Okay, so that's bigger than his body.

[B]

Kenny G. Yeah. This shit is big and brawling.

[A]

It's got a strap on it.

[B]

It has a. It has like, thing on the strap and then a strap around then, like a full fucking saxophone, dude.

[A]

Like, I feel like they. They name that wrong. It shouldn't be called a saxophone because it reminds me of a seahorse.

[B]

It should be horse. A phone.

[A]

See, well, that's not.

[B]

I mean, I think sax is good.

[A]

Because, like, a horn. Horse.

[B]

It's a sexy horse horn. A horse horn. A horse horn. No, bad one.

[A]

It sounds like your horses are coming towards you with A horse horn.

[B]

Well, I mean, maybe that's what saxophones were originally used for. We don't.

[A]

Right now. If there was a horn that existed that you blow it and hors come towards you. I'm buying it.

[B]

I'm sure there. I mean, they have dog whistles.

[A]

What does that make dogs do, though?

[B]

Freak out. I think it's. I don't want you to freak out. I know. Well, I think it's used. Well, there's no magic.

[A]

It's like training.

[B]

Yeah. They use it for, like, training. Like, you know, just another way to torture animals. As if they're not already hating us. Yeah, but it should be. It sounds saxophone. It's very sexy, so it kind of makes sense.

[A]

Can he play it?

[B]

Miles was. He was ripping some. Some stuff.

[A]

What?

[B]

Nothing. Crazy. He wasn't fucking Kenny Jean at that time.

[A]

He's just like, home.

[B]

Yeah, but like, give him some time. This kid picked. Yeah, that wasn't really good. Rink. That's better.

[A]

That's sounded like a cat. Is he or something.

[B]

It's like. Oh, fuck. I think a saxophone. Give him a couple. He'll pick it up very quick. Me?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Give me some time. I could also pick it up quick.

[A]

Are you going to attempt to play the saxophone?

[B]

If he brings it home, it's at his dad's house right now. But if he brings it home, it's not going back to his father's house. Let me make.

[A]

Need to get your own, like, mouth part reed. That's what it is.

[B]

That's what it's called. That's what it's called.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think I need to.

[A]

But they're like made of wood. I think they are.

[B]

They're like balsa wood. It's like a thin. Yeah, balsa wood or something like that.

[A]

And you have to like tight mouth type lip it. Yeah. No, that's crazy.

[B]

I'm really upset. I did that. I got you. Yeah.

[A]

Take the. The dick sucking thing out of that.

[B]

Thank you. I mean, you didn't need to call it that.

[A]

Yeah, well. What?

[B]

You just called it the dick sucking thing. Just say the saxophone. Keep it. No. Come on. Well, I actually did get you another gift. No more mariachi bands.

[A]

Is there anyone else? Coming through.

[B]

Bring in the strippers. Yeah. No, you're not a stripper guy.

[A]

You're not a stripper guy.

[B]

You're not.

[A]

I'm not.

[B]

I'm not a stripper guy either. Stripper. I don't get it. When I was younger, it was like, what? And now it's just like, the idea.

[A]

Of it was like, cool.

[B]

But I think we're the last generation of people that like, like you think.

[A]

Strip clubs are fading. Not in Atlanta.

[B]

Why?

[A]

They're like the strip club capital of the world.

[B]

Are they? Yeah.

[A]

Really? That in like Montreal or something.

[B]

Do you know, I remember what. The last time we went to Vegas or. Not the last time, but like the time, one of the times we went to Vegas, I wanted to go to a strip club out there because it's owned by the Godfather from wwe.

[A]

That would be the reason why you.

[B]

Go, dude, how cool would it have been if we walk in and he's just doing his godfather thing and he can hit us with a. I don't think they can call it the hoe train anymore. Right.

[A]

Why? Well, I think on purpose he was calling it the hoe train.

[B]

Yeah. Because he would come out with his. With his. As he called them hoes. He called this.

[A]

Well, we at least saw them as women.

[B]

We did. I think he did too. He just saw them.

[A]

It was an act.

[B]

I hope so.

[A]

Well, technically it wasn't an act if he owns a strip club.

[B]

Yes. Look up.

[A]

What is it called?

[B]

Cheetahs. I think that's a strip club. That's definitely a strip club.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Look up if strip clubs are going away.

[A]

If. Okay.

[B]

I mean, are less people going to strip clubs nowadays?

[A]

Okay. We don't. We don't know.

[B]

I don't really know. But I did get you another gift. Actually, technically, I didn't get it for you. So I was able to get in touch with a good friend of mine who is a three time Slam Poetry of the year winner.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Francisco.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I first of all, hadn't seen him in a while.

[A]

Right.

[B]

He. He's been pretty upset since sometime in November. Specific Tuesday in November he's been upset about. And then. What does it say on strip clubs? Aunt, I'm trying. Oh, right there is the American strip club dying out. Analysis of the strip club market from 2014 to 2029 from Yahoo. Finance.

[A]

And I clicked that. There was nothing on it. Yahoo. Finance.

[B]

Yahoo Finance.

[A]

Doing, you know, really finding out the answer to that. I'm just gonna say yeah, yeah, okay, okay, cool.

[B]

But. So three times Slam poetry of the year, Francisco, he. I asked him for your 33rd birthday to write you a little poem.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he went on like a 40 minute rant about, I have a feeling.

[A]

I'm gonna be offended by this.

[B]

I don't think so. Honestly, I really don't think so. So Francisco wrote you a Brief poem. He wanted me to read it to you.

[A]

Okay, and are you gonna perform it as him?

[B]

I mean, I can't. That would be disrespectful.

[A]

So you're just gonna read it?

[B]

I'm just gonna read it as he. As he intended it. As the Lord intended it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. So he said that this poem is called Joey, right? For you, for your birthday.

[A]

My birthday.

[B]

Okay. Born white as milk.

[A]

Frank, I knew that I wasn't gonna like this. I just knew it. Born white as milk. You have to perform it.

[B]

I can't. I'm not. I'm not Francisco.

[A]

I just do your best impression. Do an impression of the guy.

[B]

Dude, I don't have.

[A]

People want to hear the impression.

[B]

I don't have his. Get up. I don't have his. Just do it.

[A]

It's my birthday.

[B]

Okay, okay. Born white as milk, with hair that's dark but has since gone gray.

[A]

All right, It's a couple of strands on the side.

[B]

With a best friend whose looks are so astounding, some have even thought, is Joe gay? Did that.

[A]

Oh, gray and gay. I was like, is that even a rhyme? Like, okay.

[B]

Little freckles.

[A]

No, you can't say that.

[B]

Little freckles, little freckles. Little boy playing football, basketball. Oh, yay. Sports. Five foot a buck.

[A]

No, no, no. Do you know there's a lot of discourse now. I've seen on TikTok of people like, okay, how tall is he, though? Oh, okay.

[B]

Five foot, a buck, ten pounds. His shirts look like dresses, his boxers look like shorts. Hair like silk, skin, olive oil gold. Joe doesn't have this, but his best friend Frank has all of those.

[A]

Okay, yeah, so we're using this. Is. This is for my birthday, by the way.

[B]

Joey lives life with a pencil dick.

[A]

Frankie, what are you laughing at? Giggles. Shut the fuck up out there. Fucking bullshit.

[B]

Joey lives life with a pencil dick. Where, Frank? Garden hose.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Jalopy Joe. More like Sloppy Joe. He's a carbon copy of his mommy and Poppy Joe. Making some pennies, delivering pizza and working parties betting on himself. Now we're with Cocky Joe.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Ah, a full media empire. King YouTube. Everyone settle down, kids.

[A]

Son of a.

[B]

From humble. Okay, from humble beginnings to Rolex and Nike dunk fits. That's you, little twink bitch adjacent. Instead of being a slut replacement, he made videos in his basement. Now he's old and gray, basically ancient, trying to mark the world.

[A]

You bitch.

[B]

You bastard. Little twink bitch. I'm going to start.

[A]

Yeah, I figured.

[B]

Little twink bitch adjacent. Instead of being a slut replacement, he made videos in his basement. Now he's old and gray, basically ancient, trying to make his mark across the world like a scratch on pavement. That last part. No one has given me any snaps. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. I'm trying to be like Francisco.

[A]

Across the world, like a scratch on the pavement. Yeah, that makes sense.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

I don't know. What does that mean?

[B]

Don't. Francisco wrote this, right? Yeah.

[A]

Not you. Oh, no.

[B]

We've seen Knuck if you buck from Afar Joe. We've seen the only one that can fuck in a car Joe. Jesus Christ. We've seen Marathon. Yep. Fix your hair. We've seen Marathon Joe, Billionaire Joe, and even Boxing Joe, too. But now we're here for your least favorite Joe. That's Birthday Joe. Happy birthday, Joe, to you.

[A]

Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

[B]

Thank you so much. Francisco, he wanted to make sure you got that right.

[A]

He did. And then. And I did get it.

[B]

And what was your favorite line?

[A]

None of it. Can I say that?

[B]

What about you?

[A]

Just Happy birthday.

[B]

What about. I think this one was really, really good. Hair like silk, skin olive oil, gold. Joe doesn't have this, but his best friend Frank has all of those. Joe lives life with a pencil dick. Where Frank.

[A]

Garden hose.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I know. Yeah. No, that was nice.

[B]

I mean, I think it was very.

[A]

It was thoughtful. It was for sure.

[B]

You know, I thought it was really kind. I do appreciate was a nice little gift. Jalopy Joe. More like Sloppy Joe. He's a carbon copy of his mom and Poppy Joe.

[A]

Why did you. Yeah, you started dropping bars there.

[B]

You like that, right? What?

[A]

Why did you start calling me Jalopy Joe back in the day?

[B]

I don't think I did. I think it was a friend of ours at the time, Chelsea, I think she just started calling you Jalopy Joe.

[A]

And a jalopy is like a up car or something.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

Isn't it?

[B]

What's a gelato?

[A]

That was a lemon.

[B]

Yeah, well, lemon could be a up anything. Like, it could be a. Like someone sells you a lemon.

[A]

Wait, what?

[B]

You never heard that saying, like.

[A]

Like a lemon is a jalopy.

[B]

They. Now you're getting into theater. Yeah. An old car or in. In dilapidated condition. Is that what that says? Yeah.

[A]

Dilapidated.

[B]

You're Dilapidated Joe.

[A]

Right. Which. What does that mean?

[B]

You don't know? Dilapidated?

[A]

Like fucked up.

[B]

Yeah. No, but like when someone says, like, oh, you sold them a lemon. Like something that looks like it works, but it doesn't work. I Don't know why that. Why they do that with lemons.

[A]

Wait, that's an expression. Like, you sold me a lemon.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. You've heard that one, right?

[A]

Yeah. Not to be confused with Lemon Party.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Right. Lemon party.

[B]

Lemonparty.org. right.

[A]

Which was old men blowing each other.

[B]

Were they blowing each other?

[A]

Someone. Yeah.

[B]

Are you sure? Yeah. I ever tell you. Don't start typing or tell you about the time. Oh, my God. I don't know. I think I might have told you this. I had a family member, like, post on social media, like, hey, I'm trying to put together some, like, different websites and places to donate to charities and stuff like that.

[A]

Frankie, do not tell me that you did what I think you're about to say.

[B]

And I responded like, yeah, I got you. I know of one that, like, it helps, like, struggling farmers across the US or something like, Frankie.

[A]

And you sent them to lemonparty.org.

[B]

No, they didn't. They posted it. They posted, like, thank you to these people. Check out these websites. And it was like, thank you. And it was a slide. A whole slide was just like, lemonparty.org.

[A]

Was there, like, a photo or. It was just the website.

[B]

It was just the website name.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

But then afterward, the person contacted me. They were like, you're the biggest piece of shit. Yeah.

[A]

If you don't know. By the way, lemonparty.org.

[B]

Pull it up. Is it still available?

[A]

Don't pull it up.

[B]

Pull it up.

[A]

But don't. Don't put it in the episode.

[B]

Don't put in the episode. Josh, cut this out. Josh.

[A]

Josh, don't put the Lemon Party in the episode. Lemon party dot org. If you go to the website, it's just a picture of old guys blowing each other.

[B]

Oh, yeah, it's still available. We have a.

[A]

That was a fucking virus.

[B]

Oops.

[A]

By the way, we're not putting it in the episode, but, like, the photo that we were talking about that when we were young people, like, oh, yo, go to lemon party.org. it's a dope website. And you would go, and there's a picture of an old guy blowing another.

[B]

Old guy and another old guy, like, just hanging out, directing.

[A]

Yeah, we just went to that, and it showed the picture for a second, and then it just looked like the.

[B]

Matrix, and it was like, your computer's gonna explode. There was a line. There was a line on there that said something like, any of you guys drink Pedialytes? Or something like that? Don't.

[A]

Don't go back.

[B]

Don't go back.

[A]

But I am curious. But don't go back. But. Yeah, no, that's.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Crazy, bro.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

Lemon party.

[B]

What's been a while?

[A]

Why lemon party? Is that, like, pee?

[B]

I. I imagine they were just trying to get something that would just throw people off the scent.

[A]

Got me.

[B]

Could you imagine sex has a smell? We agree with that, right?

[A]

Yeah. What does it smell like?

[B]

I don't know. It's just like a. Like a. Like a. Just like a. A smell. I can't equate it to a food or anything. Yeah, but it has like a. It has like a. Just like a raw. Just like.

[A]

I think that it's like, if it was possible to be like. Like a raw piece of human meat.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Smell like that.

[B]

Yeah. If you took. If you. I'm with you here. If you took us two sweaty thighs, just the meat, and just smashed them together or like, rubbed or rubbed them together. That's what I imagine it smells like.

[A]

Like, I don't like it that much. Oh, do you like it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You like a musty? I like it.

[B]

Well, don't. I don't know why you're calling it musty.

[A]

Well, not.

[B]

Not musty. I don't know.

[A]

When I think of musty, I just mean, like, it's, like, potent.

[B]

Well, no, musty means something different. I think it means, like, it's, like, there's, like, mildewy wetness to it.

[A]

Oh, that's not what I meant.

[B]

Look up. Musty. We need to stop utilizing the but musty definition. Having a state. Moldy or damp? Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah, damp, I guess, technically it is dusty, but, like, I don't. It gets a little damp. It does get a little damp, you know, but get a little. Damn, Josh. You having fun at it in this episode?

[A]

Yeah, no.

[B]

We're getting a text from him. He's like, yo, you guys are out of your.

[A]

You ever have sex in a room? And it's like, okay, that was great. And then you walk out maybe to, like, whatever. And then you come back in the room and you're like, whoa.

[B]

It hits you like a ton of bricks.

[A]

That's what I'm kind of like, all right, we gotta open them. This is really. Yes.

[B]

Hell, no. I live in that, baby.

[A]

That's nasty.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, it's a room. I'm not in a fucking box.

[A]

I'm saying this. I'm not saying the room is nasty. I'm be like, it was. Open a window.

[B]

Let's get this smell out of Here, I mean, ventilation. People live in places that are, you know, apparently living.

[A]

Walk in and out.

[B]

I live in a well ventilated home. I don't know about you, bitch.

[A]

What do you live in a cigar bar?

[B]

There's always a thing just sucking the air out of the room. I wish I lived in a cigar bar. Do you?

[A]

You'd probably be dead by now, Frank.

[B]

I would be dead.

[A]

Cigar bars are dangerous places, dude.

[B]

We went to one in the city and it was so cool. They had good drinks, good cigars. But even I had to step out because I was like, holy. Like, that was two, two, two, two much.

[A]

But I don't like being in them. I have very sensitive lungs.

[B]

I think I almost joined. Yeah, I don't know.

[A]

Oh, please say go.

[B]

I almost joined like a cigar, like. Like as a member of a cigar club.

[A]

Guys, I hope that people are paying attention here. I hope that people are paying attention to the slowly. The slow progression into a. Into a monster that this kid has become.

[B]

First of all, first of all, this was way before we started doing this show or anything. This happened. 2014, 2015. I was young. There was a cigar lounge by my college that had just opened up. And I went in to buy cigars and I was like, yo, this is sick. There was pool tables. They had like a bar. But like, it was like BYOB and like that. They had all mixers and stuff. And I asked guy, I was like, what is it to join? And it was like $50 a month. You get a locker, you cut, you can come in whenever you want. You can bring whatever you want to drink. You get like 20 off of the cigars and you live it up. What's wrong with that? I wanted to be a part of a group of men, a friend group of, like, hang out with boys and friends, you know, in suits and just hang out. No, no, no. I was gonna go and you know, normal. Just like.

[A]

Have you ever smoked one of those really long ones?

[B]

Churchills? Yeah. Hell yeah, baby.

[A]

Or like, I like, bro, you remember one time we went in like Connecticut, and they're like. We were just like looking around. There was one that literally looked like that.

[B]

Yeah, they're like, who smoked? I've never. Yeah, there were like. They were like way too big, you know, just like an absolute. Just overkill. And. Yeah, anything more than anything more than that is an. It's not a good smoke.

[A]

It's dangerous.

[B]

It's useless. Honestly, who wants that?

[A]

Egregious.

[B]

And it was legit, like as thick.

[A]

As, like, who's smoking those.

[B]

A adult cucumber.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's why.

[A]

Adult there.

[B]

Yeah. No, no, I've never. I've had long ones, like long skinny ones. Crazy. That we're talking about. Yeah. Josh, get him on the horn. Have him on standby.

[A]

Make sure that you put the word.

[B]

Cigar in full text across. But yeah, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

What are we talking about?

[B]

Smoking poles.

[A]

Smoking poles. And the word musty is still up on the screen. We do have some sponsors.

[B]

We're going right to the sponsor.

[A]

I think we have.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I mean, what better way to transition into the sponsor.

[B]

Any other ways?

[A]

Watch this rather than go ahead, say.

[B]

Something, say, I really love sandwiches. And man, good sandwich. It's hard to beat. We have some sponsors.

[A]

If you are selling sandwiches, you're going to need a website. And that's why you should look into Squarespace.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Okay. Squarespace is going to create all of your website needs. Okay. They have a bunch of features on there that are going to help you optimize your traffic. They're also going to help you build your website. Your website is going to be your first impression when it comes to, you know, when people come to your website, if it looks good, they're going to trust it a little bit more. More chance of a sale or whatever you're doing there. So, yeah, with Squarespace, they have a lot of templates that make it very easy to build a great looking website. So that's why I always point people in that direction and I use it for all the websites that we create is through Squarespace. Okay. So definitely go check out Squarespace. And right now you can head to squarespace.com basement and you will save 10 off of your first purchase of a website or a domain. Okay. And a lot of people have hit me up and they've used this. They said it was very cool. Built their websites like, hey, check it out. So it's nice to see that people are using it and, you know, creating the things that they want. So go to squarespace.com basement and you will save 10 off of your first purchase, a website or a domain. We also have caraway. Okay. Caraway. Good looking, clean cooking. All right. I don't know what it is about me. This is coming in at the perfect time because in the last year I've been paying a lot of attention to, like, the pots and pans because I, you know, read some articles and the boy's a little bit of a hypo, but I've read some articles about, like, Some pots and pans are actually not the greatest to be cooking with because there's like toxins and when you're cooking and whatever. I don't know what the. I don't know the technical terms, but all I know is, is that caraway makes beautiful cookware. And 95% of, you know, home goods have these toxic chemicals like Teflon and stuff like that. Over 70% of fry pan sold in America can contain Teflon. So you want to stop cooking with toxins, but caraway, you know, they're safer than all those other things. And like I said, they're beautiful, they're very sturdy. I've been cooking with one for a while now and they're amazing. So make the swap to non toxic living today with Caraway Caraway's cookware set. It will save you $150 versus buying the items individually. Okay. If you visit carawayhome.com basement you can take an additional 10% off of your next purchase. This deal is exclusive for our listeners, so visit carawayhome.com basement or use the code basement at checkout. Okay. Non toxic cookware. If you're going to be cooking at home, you're going to, you're going to want to make sure that you're doing it in the most healthy way possible. So this is huge for me. Like I said, 95% of home goods are made with toxic chemicals like Teflon or ptfe, whatever that is. But make the swap to non toxic with Caraway. Again, that is carawayhome.com basement and use the code basement at checkout.

[B]

And you know what, While you're cooking with caraway, why don't you let us cook [e-mail] the basement yard. We tell you guys about it every single week. And by we, I mean me, and by me, I mean hi, how you doing? Patreon.com the Basementyard is another way to continue to support us. As you guys have seen by now, obviously, we're in a new studio, new digs, and that's because of not only our general support from all the people that love and support us, but also from the people over on Patreon. So patreon.com the basicyard, you sign up today, you get these weekly episodes one week in advance, and you sign up for that second tier. You get exclusive episodes every single Friday. So you can start and end your week with us. While you're cooking, while you're dancing, while you're cleaning, while you're driving. Doesn't matter what you're doing. Actually it does. We don't want to hear about it. Patreon.com yard thank you folks for all the love and all support. Go check it out. And as you guys have seen, we're going over to Europe for some shows and if you're coming over to those shows, go to patreon. Excuse me. Thebasementyard.com Submit in order to fill out the questionnaire that we have there, we ask you guys some, you know, prompts, some questions and you respond with some stories. Fun, cool, crazy, scary, whatever. And then maybe we talk to them, you know, to you or about them while we're at our shows. So for the shows that we have in Glasgow, Scotland, in London and in Dublin, go check out the basementyard.com submit. Submit your responses. Maybe we'll talk to you about you. You never know. But go check it out. Thanks folks. Joey, back to you.

[A]

Thanks, Frank. Yeah, we appreciate it.

[B]

No problem. What was that?

[A]

No problem.

[B]

I don't know. I don't know.

[A]

This is such a crazy episode.

[B]

It is. We started the episode with a full mariachi band and then Francisco, three times Slam Poetry of the year winner.

[A]

It's star studded.

[B]

It's a star studded episode.

[A]

Star studded.

[B]

Wait till you see who we got next. Hit it. And we got nothing. We've got nothing else.

[A]

What the fuck was that?

[B]

I don't know what he wanted me to do. Oh yeah, that's it.

[A]

By the way, I just found out. Oh, oh yeah. I just found out that at the end of Santa gotta studios videos like the him bro, I had no idea that existed. Apparently it's been going on a while. Quite some time.

[B]

Yeah, at the very couple months at least.

[A]

At the very end of the the Santa studios videos which if you don't know YouTube.com Santa Gos we post every week. But at the end of that there used to be a song that would play but apparently it got like copyrighted. Yeah. So Ant's just been going at the end and going.

[B]

Yeah, he's like they did this. Sometimes I think you put in one where you were like, I tried this food or something like that. Like there was like something we did.

[A]

He does like commentary. Yeah, bro, I had no idea this existed a Paris. It's been going on a while and like we watched the video that just came out yesterday, me and Greg on the drive home and then we're just watching it and we're like like laughing at it was the video with me and Keith and then started Playing through the speakers of my car. We were dying, bro.

[B]

I was like, what the. I was like, yo, that's crazy. It's a supervisor who doesn't know what was going on under his own nose. Dude, congratulations. You won that one.

[A]

And, yeah, he got me, but he. But then we were like, is. Did he just do this for this video? And then we started watching the other ones. So there was like five in a row that we're listening to the.

[B]

No, it's way long. It's been months. Like, I honestly, I feel like it was like maybe the summer, right?

[A]

It's been a while.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't know.

[B]

Like a super long time.

[A]

So I'm now, like, now I'm going to watch all the way through just to hear and that. And then do comedy.

[B]

Honestly, you hit that shit dance when you record it A little bit. A little bit. Sometimes.

[A]

Sometimes I send them to the merch store, you know. Okay. Sometimes. Look at this guy.

[B]

There you go. See, he is. He's getting it. He's getting it.

[A]

He's like, oh, give some people something for people to look forward to every single week. What did Ant say this week?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Maybe you should start putting in crazy things. Like, start like, you know, whatever that.

[A]

He'S about to say is will get you fired.

[B]

No, it won't. No, it won't.

[A]

Start saying crazy things.

[B]

I can. I can give you some stuff to say if you want. We'll talk. We'll talk offline.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't know if you saw Joey a couple weeks ago. We spoke about the jerk off ban that was happening.

[A]

Did we talk about that? I know that you've been bringing up to me.

[B]

I've been telling you because it's a crazy story. So, yeah, Ohio lawmakers. This is Ohio.

[A]

I didn't know that.

[B]

It's right here. It's next door, baby. It's states away, but state away.

[A]

It's like 10.

[B]

No, it's not. It's right, Joey. Ohio's.

[A]

Ohio's not one state away.

[B]

Yes, it's. It's. There's one state in between us and Ohio, Pen. Yeah, that's it.

[A]

Is that truth?

[B]

Yes, it is truth. Pull up map of truth. Wait, I think that, like.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yes, dude, there's two states in between us. There it is.

[A]

You just said two now.

[B]

No, I'm sorry. There's one state in between us.

[A]

Is that true?

[B]

Yes. Go to Google Maps. Why are you looking up a picture of it? Literally. Just don't go to Google Maps.

[A]

The map I Could see.

[B]

There's the maps thing right there.

[A]

I can see.

[B]

Yeah, it's right. Literally right there.

[A]

I drove to Ohio once, but we had to go through West Virginia, so I didn't know where that was.

[B]

Why did you have to go all the way down?

[A]

Roads don't just go like that. Sometimes you gotta go like that.

[B]

Yeah, but there's. Why would it. That doesn't even make sense.

[A]

I don't know, bro. I don't know.

[B]

You might have got lost and someone just tried to blame it.

[A]

Hold on. Because now looking at this map, you see how it kind of looks like veins or whatever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I saw a video and I don't know how true this is, but I saw a video where it's like. I think it was like Japan or it was an Asian country that like there was a. Like a bacteria or something. Right?

[B]

That you.

[A]

Can you try and find that?

[B]

Yeah, they. I know what you're talking about. They mapped their like, train system. They threw this back. It wasn't bacteria, it was like mushrooms, like fungus and like. And that's how they mapped the way that they're like trained system.

[A]

The most efficient way.

[B]

Incredible.

[A]

That is the most ridiculous thing and. Are you kidding me with that? Wait, is that the actual thing? It is. This is what they did. No, that's what they did. I was looking for the video so we could like.

[B]

Yeah, no, it's. It's pretty. I don't know if it was. Oh, yeah, it was.

[A]

That's a three minute video though. Do the 39 second one right there. I gotcha. It's like Tokyo. All right, hold on, let's watch this.

[B]

I mean, it's just so circle, so. Oh, the veins. I see the veins.

[A]

So what they did was they put. Put food sources on the specific cities that they want the trains to go to. Right. And then they use the fungus to map the best way to those food sources, AKA cities. And they use that. That is unbelievable.

[B]

Mad smart.

[A]

That is unbelievable, bro.

[B]

Becca watched like a documentary on mushrooms one day and it was like they are like connected through the soil across the whole planet.

[A]

That makes me believe. I mean, not that I don't believe, believe, but like doing mushrooms would probably have like this like.

[B]

Bro, there are people that like swear by psychedelics. Yeah, they.

[A]

They microdose every day.

[B]

I can't do that. I would, I would not. Not that I've ever done them. So I don't know what the effect is, but like, I imagine it's not fun.

[A]

Why? I mean, if you do like, an insane amount.

[B]

But what does micro dosing do if it's. It gets you high stuff?

[A]

No, it's. It's not necessarily like a high. Like, you don't get, like, high, but you get, like, something. It's like it does something.

[B]

Yeah, you get high. Just say it, brother. No. Yeah.

[A]

You don't even know.

[B]

I know. I don't. No, like, it's crazy. That's why, like, honestly, last of us kind of does scare me a little bit.

[A]

Because, like, if the mushrooms if, like, bacteria.

[B]

Well, that is real.

[A]

That. That.

[B]

That strain of fungus is real. Cordyceps. And that's actually what it does. It just doesn't do it to humans, it does it to ants.

[A]

What does it do?

[B]

It takes over their brain and then makes them act, like, super aggressively. Why do you look up goo?

[A]

No, I was just going to Google. Don't stop.

[B]

Goo. Yeah. Yo, look, there's like, spiders and animals that, like, cordyceps will take over their brain and turn them into zombies and.

[A]

Bro, I can't. I can't.

[B]

You can't. This is real, dude. That's why I'm talking about it.

[A]

There's no way I'm dying in a zombie apocalypse, though. I would need guns.

[B]

Yeah, duh. What do you mean you would need guns? Like, you just broke the fucking. No, like, you would need guns. Oh, how would you survive with those, bro?

[A]

Imagine being in here and we just have ammo.

[B]

Yeah, but we would need food. And the way that Greg eats, we'll run out of food in an hour.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

Fucking little snack boy.

[A]

Yeah, no, but he'd probably be good at finding the crumbs around here.

[B]

He does. He does eat, like. He does eat like a little rodent. He does. He eats like a little rodent. He'll find him.

[A]

He's like, oh, my God.

[B]

I'm gonna say this. I picked up his book because it's over there. Do you see his lips?

[A]

What are you talking about?

[B]

He's got. Do you see the picture of him?

[A]

Yeah, he's got an old picture.

[B]

Yeah, it looks like he just got done.

[A]

You know I'm on that book.

[B]

Like, in it?

[A]

No, like, I'm on the COVID Oh.

[B]

Like the picture of you.

[A]

Yeah, it's like, you know. No, no, like, you know, it's like.

[B]

Oh, so and so said. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

So this is the best book I've ever read.

[B]

He's got. I'm just gonna say this. That picture. Look at his lips.

[A]

What's wrong with them?

[B]

Just looks like, he got done doing something very fresh.

[A]

Why are they, like, thick and swollen?

[B]

They're. They're a little like. I've never seen Greg's lips like that outside of that time that you and him shared that room in Pittsburgh or something.

[A]

That's so good and funny. Stupid loser.

[B]

Yeah, but so Ohio introduced. It was literally. It's a ban on. Yeah. Contraception begins at erection act. Which.

[A]

What does that even mean to me?

[B]

We're not gonna get into the whole.

[A]

Because it could be the law in Ohio which would make it illegal for men to have sex without intent to make a baby.

[B]

So that it.

[A]

This is. The Christians have gone too far.

[B]

That includes jerking off.

[A]

This is insane.

[B]

State Representative Anita Samani and Tristan Raider announced their plans in a Blue sky video explaining the legislation's purpose. Was initially introduced in Mississippi by Senator Bradford Blackmun and is now going to the legislative floor. The bill will make it illegal to discharge semen or genetic material without the intent to fertilize an embryo.

[A]

What is genetic material if not semen?

[B]

Yeah, that's a great question.

[A]

Okay. No, no, no. You don't have to look that up. Don't look that up.

[B]

Here are the penalties.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Go for the first offense. A thousand dollars to beat it. Yeah, but like, a.

[A]

A person like, of the court has to, like, catch you.

[B]

Oh. The bill is accepted. Expected to make clear exceptions for contraceptives, masturbation, and LGBTQIA people. But, like, still, like, that means that.

[A]

So wait, you can't.

[B]

That means sex. So that means that sex without intent of fertilizing an embryo. The first offense is a thousand dollars. Second offense, $5,000. So you can't. Any subsequent offense, $10,000.

[A]

Dude, I'll tell you this right now. I'm racking up a bill.

[B]

God damn. Holy tick tock. Clip that, clip that and put this emoji. The sweating one. This. That's what they. That's the emoji that they use.

[A]

The red face.

[B]

The red face. And it's sweating.

[A]

Wait, so I'm confused by this, but the exceptions are. You said contracept.

[B]

It said contraceptives.

[A]

So if I'm wearing a condom, I.

[B]

Guess so it says masturbation, so I guess they allow you. You're safe. Don't worry. Jerk off. King.

[A]

No, but you.

[B]

And it says, you know, people of the LGBTQIA+ community are safe as well.

[A]

Oh, so the. So gay people raw dog each other and it's nothing but the straits. This is attack on straight.

[B]

No, but make it harder to be Straight in this country and white and straight.

[A]

The weight.

[B]

And having a ton of money.

[A]

The weight of this is getting insane.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, but what does this mean that you can't have.

[B]

I imagine. Yes. So, like, that's what I imagine it would mean, is that, like, if you got forced this. I mean, if someone reports you, bro, I'm telling you right now, if we ever do a show.

[A]

Okay, where are you going with this?

[B]

Now? Can you imagine? Just like. Bro, could you imagine. Like, that's crazy, right? Like, that is some legit, like, Handmaid's Tale shit. Like, they're controlling. They're controlling where semen is going.

[A]

Right Wild, right as bananas.

[B]

Damn. Some of us will be safe.

[A]

What was that?

[B]

What was that?

[A]

What were you gonna say?

[B]

How do you get caught? That's what I'm saying. Imagine someone reports you.

[A]

Who? Your neighbors. Like, peeking, like, I saw them having.

[B]

Raw stuff, maybe, or, like, in conversation, you know, just be like, yeah, I had sex. I didn't use a condom or something. They'll just be like, who says that? I'm sure they're gonna set up.

[A]

If people are, like, together. I'm assuming they're not using condoms.

[B]

I mean, I don't know.

[A]

I'll say this. Married people using condoms. Kind of. Kind of crazy.

[B]

Some people do. Some people do because they want to avoid. I mean, it's not weird. Some people. Yeah, some people want to avoid getting pregnant and, you know, the woman might not want to go on birth control. The man might not want to get his snipped.

[A]

I'm gonna get killed for that. Now, that I think.

[B]

Yeah, you're done, dude.

[A]

Yeah, I'm getting murdered for that. Damn.

[B]

You're dead. You're dead. Can I have an opinion? No. Can't be a straight white male with a ton of money and an opinion anymore, huh? Sucks, dude.

[A]

We can't say anything nowadays.

[B]

Oh, man, it is crazy. I. I do think if.

[A]

Oh, oh, wait, no, never mind.

[B]

I mean, I imagine the law will write in, like, how to enforce it and shit like that. Bro, could you imagine being a cop?

[A]

Just be, like, holding up a black light. What's that? What is that?

[B]

That is. That's weird.

[A]

I think that's an invasion of pride.

[B]

Yeah, duh.

[A]

Like, that's crazy.

[B]

Absolutely. It's also super weird that, like, we're in this weird place in the world or not the world, the us, where it's just, like, make more babies. We're not gonna care for them once they're actually out and we're not gonna help them survive their whole fucking life, but make them and put them into the world so we can take advantage of them and take their taxes.

[A]

Let's get that universal health care going before we start making some crazy bills like this.

[B]

I mean. Or just kill this bill.

[A]

I thought you were gonna go kill whoever made the bill.

[B]

No, no, no, no. I would just kill the legislation. I don't want to say that. This is.

[A]

Yeah, obviously. I mean, this does. You think? I don't.

[B]

What the. Can't even talk, bro.

[A]

There's. I can't. I do that so often that there is compilations on TikTok of me just not being able to speak.

[B]

Yeah, well, the world is starting to realize how stupid you are.

[A]

Oh, here we go. The smartest guy there. He is.

[B]

I mean, I wouldn't say smartest. I would definitely.

[A]

I wouldn't either.

[B]

I would.

[A]

I don't think anyone would.

[B]

I wouldn't sit here and profess to being someone of incredibly higher intellect. Say words.

[A]

And you think that you said cordless steps before. You're a smart guy.

[B]

Cordyceps, dude. You know cordyceps?

[A]

Yeah, you're the mushroom guy too.

[B]

I mean, I have mushroom stuff every morning. I have a mushroom drink every morning. I do. I don't want to say the name of the company because I want to give him a free plug, but.

[A]

Because you're a money hungry bitch. Is that why?

[B]

Because I'm a cheap bastard?

[A]

Because I'm a cheap fuck?

[B]

Yeah, it's like a. It's like cordyceps. Reishi. Reishi, Rishi.

[A]

You're asking me?

[B]

Chaga, Lion's mane.

[A]

What's that? A mushroom?

[B]

Yeah, you ever seen it? It looks like a ball with hair on it.

[A]

Makes sense why they would call it. Yeah, dude.

[B]

It's pretty good actually.

[A]

You ever. This is a weird question, but stay with me.

[B]

All right, here we are.

[A]

Have you ever bitten a dandelions head?

[B]

I've eaten a dandelion.

[A]

Yeah, it's not good.

[B]

Yeah, it's very bitter.

[A]

Not that. Well, I'm not going for that. I meant like. It's so hairy.

[B]

Are you. Wait, are you talking the. When it's like in the. Like the. The wisher. Yeah, before that. Blow your wish.

[A]

You bite it and you're like now.

[B]

No, that I've not done. Because really, why would I do that?

[A]

I was just curious. I was a kid and curious.

[B]

That makes sense. Honestly, I've eaten like dandelion greens and stuff like that and.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

Very bitter.

[A]

I'm talking about out of the ground and you're about to make a wish. Be like, this looks like Albert Einstein's head.

[B]

I want to make dandelion wine one day. And actually I've heard it's pretty good.

[A]

Dandelion. That's so weird because the. The liquor store in my neighborhood is called Dandelion Wine.

[B]

Yeah, that's like a real thing. It's like, I know someone that, like, growing up, they had like a, you know, a big, like farm, and they would pick the dandelions and make dandelion wine.

[A]

Sounds like it would be disgusting.

[B]

I don't know. I've never had it. Have you had it?

[A]

No. I don't know.

[B]

Greg. Greg had it, been there, seen it, made it.

[A]

One time, aunt got me a wine as a gift. What'd you get that for me for, like Christmas or something? It was a cranberry wine. It was a cranberry wine.

[B]

Cranberries.

[A]

I was excited because I like.

[B]

Yeah, you like different types of wine. Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, oh, cool.

[B]

I hate cranberries. Hate cranberry juice. Really?

[A]

I had to text him. I'd be like, yo, I appreciate the gift. This sucks. I was like.

[B]

I was just like, you know, I wanted to try like. We've had orange wine. Yeah, we had that at your place. I want to try like blueberry wine.

[A]

Like blueberry wine.

[B]

Yeah. You can make wine out of any fruit, basically. Yeah.

[A]

But, you know, stick with the grapes. Yeah, yeah, I would stick with that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, a cherry guy online that makes like wine or something.

[B]

Mead. He makes meat out of like Mountain Dew.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that looks.

[B]

I would try it.

[A]

I would take a sip, but I have a feeling I would hate it.

[B]

Why? It's just. It's just the sugar breaks down and turns into alcohol.

[A]

It must be insanely alcoholic if it's fucking Mountain Dew.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's probably a lot of sugar. Mountain Dew. You a Mountain Dew guy?

[A]

Absolutely not.

[B]

Oh, I used to like. I haven't tried Baja Blast. And you know me, I'm a big never had fan.

[A]

I've never been blasted by the Baja.

[B]

By the Baja men, yeah. Who's that comedian that does the whole bit on the Baha Men?

[A]

What's the bit?

[B]

You know what I'm talking about, right?

[A]

The Baja Men who let the dogs out.

[B]

He like, did a bit where he's just like, how many Baha Men can you name? They've won like 30 grammys or something like that.

[A]

No way.

[B]

They've not know about 30, but they've won a good amount of Grammys.

[A]

One would be more than I thought.

[B]

They know they've won. Look up how many Grammys have. The Baja Men.

[A]

Right under Musty.

[B]

Right under Musty and goo.

[A]

The Baja Men.

[B]

So looks like it might be only one.

[A]

I think it's one. All right, well, one. Yeah, they have one nomination. They're one for one. Best dance recording. Okay, that makes sense. Song was a smash.

[B]

Why do I think that this per. Like, they had multiple.

[A]

Isn't that song about ugly?

[B]

It's about, like, ugly women. Like who? You know, it was like the party was nice. The party was jumping. Hey, yippee. And everyone was having a. Huh, huh, huh. I love how you're like.

[A]

It's something like, you know the lyrics.

[B]

Yeah. What happened to the Baja man? They're probably still drinking it in. Probably what, 1999, that song came out or something like that was it.

[A]

It was at our fifth grade graduation.

[B]

I mean, every song was at. Mambo number five was at our fifth grade graduation. That also came out like 98.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Lu Vega is probably still raking it in.

[A]

Who?

[B]

Lubega. Oh, the guy. Mambo number five. You know, boom. That song still hits.

[A]

50 year old white. People love that song.

[B]

All right. You're gonna be there one day. You'll be an old white. Yeah, you're kind of getting pretty close, right? Rank these old white songs.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Blindly, how many you got?

[B]

I'm gonna give you five.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And you tell me what you think about them. Blindly, I'm gonna give you the five songs and then you tell me which ones are like your least favorite to favorite.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Mambo number five. Who let the dogs out?

[A]

Wait, no, blind. Let them ask. Let them put them in a ranking.

[B]

Well, then, you know the first two.

[A]

Then I'll put who let the dogs out? At four.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I'll put Mambo number five at three.

[B]

Oh, see, that's a smart tactic. You've done enough of these blind ranking things that you know to attack the middle. First. The Macarena.

[A]

How does the song go?

[B]

I'm not gonna do it. You got a nice try. Because it's. I don't want to, like, offend anyone by trying to sing the Macarena. What's.

[A]

What language is that?

[B]

I believe it's. Some of. It's in Spanish.

[A]

And then you should be good.

[B]

I mean, not that good. You know that I can sing the words to the Macarena.

[A]

I can't remember the beat in my head. You're right, that is offensive. That's a good one. All right, I'll put it at two. So I have one in five now.

[B]

Okay. So you got to go big or go home.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

September by earth, wind and fire.

[A]

1. That's a great song.

[B]

Is ridiculous. So good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, so, so good. And then the last one was gonna be the Pledge of Allegiance. So Crazy Joe, you heard. Wow. Star Spangled Banner. He put last. I know.

[A]

Punch of Allegiance.

[B]

Star Spangled batter last. They were fucking one in the same. In his book. He put it last. He put it last. America. Get him.

[A]

September. That's a good one, though.

[B]

Yeah. That is a really.

[A]

I love when that song comes on at weddings.

[B]

There's an even better Earth, Wind and Fire song called Boogie Wonderland. That. When that song comes on, I have. I am not severance. Frank is gone. New guy Frank A. Shows up and dances to Boogie Wonderland.

[A]

Love that. You know what song I hate? The Electric Slide.

[B]

You can feel it. It's electric boogie woogie boogie. I like it.

[A]

I see my aunt.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, white people love that. And your aunt's white, I believe. But yeah, what other, like, like all those, like, wedding songs? Oh, Cotton, I. Joe. Dude.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I think someone recently. We talked about it a couple of weeks ago, like, months ago or a year ago on a previous episode, and we, like, thought, like, it's. There's got to be something about it that's racist. And someone looked it up and it was like, yeah, really? I think it has.

[A]

Like, if.

[B]

No, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from? Cotton Eye Joe.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know what that means, but, yeah, it feels like there's an undertone.

[B]

It does feel like there's something there. What are those? What other one? Cupid Shuffle. That's a great one.

[A]

That's a good one.

[B]

We're missing the cha cha. We're gonna get funky. See?

[A]

Yeah, that one, like, got played out for me very quickly.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I used to love it when I was, like, in fifth and sixth grade.

[B]

Yo, fifth grade was the perfect time to be into the reverse. Reverse. Or when everyone. When we've. We've also spoken about this Charlie Brown, everyone's just like, what do we do?

[A]

It's like, I don't know what the Charlie Brown is.

[B]

Yeah. No, no, no. Like, that's too vague.

[A]

You're telling us to step to the left and to the right.

[B]

What are other, like, super popular Wedding songs. Like, I. I'm sure I know we did an episode on this. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, we did.

[B]

Completely forgot. What are the songs available on patreon.com? go check it out.

[A]

We have, like, the ones that are, like, instructions, though, because this one's.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, like. Like instructional dance, bro.

[A]

Also, I honestly, honestly think there should be a federal law now that we're passing ridiculous laws in this country.

[B]

Yeah, no jerking off, no coming and. Yeah.

[A]

No nothing. Whatever else we got going on here. I think that it should be a federal law written into federal law. I Want to dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston.

[B]

Every single hold the on YMCA banger. I mean, it's kind of been taken now. I don't love them from us normal people and given to.

[A]

I don't love the ymca.

[B]

I. I love it at Yankee games.

[A]

The time warp that I hate.

[B]

Love the time. You would love that. I. I have danced so hard to the time warp. I remember doing a time warp. The wobble can kill itself.

[A]

What's the wobble?

[B]

Oh, my God. Wobble, baby. Wobble, baby, wobble. Dude, that song. Pop out its arsenic tooth and chomp down hard. The hokey Pokey. If I ever go to a hokey pokey and I hear the ch and I hear that song, I'm. I'm rescinding whatever gift I've given to that.

[A]

Yeah, dude, I better be at a kindergarten, like, class party or something.

[B]

Yo, when I was in college. Emphasis on the. When I was in college, the wobble was, like, the thing that people did. So, like, at, like, all, like, the fraternity and sorority parties, someone would put it on as a joke, and there were like, the. The cool kids would be like, oh, I can't dance. But I. And I was just like, you guys all suck. Hated it.

[A]

Hated the wall.

[B]

They didn't include me.

[A]

Crank that. That's fire. Soulja Boy.

[B]

Soulja Boy. Damn.

[A]

Soulja Boy.

[B]

Tell him Gangnam Style. The twist. I've never been to a wedding that has the twist.

[A]

Oh, I've been to one with the twist. It hits and do the twist.

[B]

I love the twist.

[A]

It's good. It's good. Also a Santa Gatto wedding favorite shout.

[B]

That's. I love how you say. I love how you say a Santa gado. A white wedding favorite. Any white wedding has shout.

[A]

Yo, I've been to a lot of weddings where they don't have it.

[B]

I don't think I've been to a single wedding that doesn't have shout.

[A]

Well, you probably know a lot of deep whites, then. No, because I've been to white weddings, and they didn't famously piss.

[B]

We went to a wedding back in October with the Halloween drinks. And there's a video. Yeah, there's a video. Because I had a couple drinks, and I was emotional. It was a tough night for me. Okay.

[A]

Frank was.

[B]

It's a tough night.

[A]

Crying harder than I've ever seen, bro.

[B]

It was crazy. I'm not gonna tell why, but there was.

[A]

I'm not gonna tell you why. It was the. It starts with a and ends with local call.

[B]

But they were. There's a video of them when they did the. And people get down, and I'm in the background, and I. My shirt's ripped open.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm hanging on my brother, and I'm just like.

[A]

It's like.

[B]

And then there's people. Yeah. And there are people that are telling. Because they won't stop doing that until I get down. There's people yelling at me. They're like, get down.

[A]

And I was like, yeah, I remember.

[B]

Yeah, it was a good time.

[A]

A little bit louder now.

[B]

What else? What's that?

[A]

That sounds familiar.

[B]

Boot scooting boogie what the hell is this?

[A]

What about Happy by Pharrell? How do you feel about that song?

[B]

I. So I don't like it for weddings, but, like, it's one of Ruby's favorite songs to dance to, so, like, because of that, I like it. She calls it Happy Dancing.

[A]

That makes sense.

[B]

So she's just like. It was a thing, like, when she was, like, younger, she would go, like. And I go, what? You go Happy Dancing? It was so fucking cute.

[A]

Your daughter would do, like, a weird voice like that.

[B]

Yeah. Like, she was. Oh, hail Paymon. You know, like.

[A]

Like that.

[B]

You've never seen Hereditary? You've seen Hereditary?

[A]

Yeah, I have.

[B]

Great movie.

[A]

I actually just forgot about that.

[B]

It's a really, really good movie.

[A]

Before we get the chicken dance, before we get more into the songs, we do have some more sponsors.

[B]

I wound up, and I was ready to throw my.

[A]

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[B]

All right. Lastly, we have to talk about what is probably the most viral thing in the world right now.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, we know.

[B]

We don't.

[A]

We knew we were getting to this.

[B]

Yo, if you guys are living under.

[A]

A rock, allow us to lift it up and skip it across a pond, because this is the greatest thing that's hit the Internet, and I don't even know how long.

[B]

Yeah, so it's a. It's a Spanish version of, basically, Temptation Island. Yeah. And Becca used to watch it. It's like, the idea is, like, couples that are kind of shaky go on to a show and, like, the island, and, like, they're supposed to, like, have temptation to see if they're strong enough to stay together.

[A]

Yeah. They put them in a hat, basically. They take a couple who's on the rocks, they put them in separate houses, and they surround them with hot single people. It's like a recipe for.

[B]

And not only just hot single people, but, like, each other's, like, significant others, too. Right?

[A]

Like, I don't really know. Oh, I think that everyone's. Maybe there. Like, a lot of the people who are on the show are there doing the same thing, but there's also single people, I think.

[B]

I don't Just, like, they throw them in to just. Yeah. Just terrorize.

[A]

And it's like, oh, let's see if there's temptation. Let's see if we actually. Which is the dumb.

[B]

Let me be very clear about something. I don't care. Listen, I. I am well aware there are different dynamics and different relationships and all that. If you're going on this show, you shouldn't be together.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Period.

[A]

It's over.

[B]

Period. If the idea is, like, let's see if we want to fuck other people on tv to see if we'll stay together is nuts.

[A]

Let's put a bunch of people in a. In a tropical island house in.

[B]

With underwear all the time and with alcohol.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And cameras.

[A]

Yeah. So this thing hit the Internet. Unbelievable. This dude Montoya, man, he's really going through it. Basically, for those who don't speak Spanish, I'm raising my hand over here. I'm just going to describe what happens in the video, and you guys can kind of see it. I'll give you a rundown of what's going on. But just a preface.

[B]

We can show this.

[A]

I mean, maybe we could show some of it.

[B]

Be on standby, Josh.

[A]

Be.

[B]

Be very careful. Okay, thank you. Can I talk to him? What.

[A]

What do you need?

[B]

Ask him how he's doing.

[A]

How you doing?

[B]

Good.

[A]

There's no one there.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

So this dude, his girlfriend is in the other house. And they also. What they do on the show because they are the biggest Instagram in the world. They have, like security cameras everywhere.

[B]

Like, everywhere, bro. Like in the toilets, basically. So they'll.

[A]

If. If your partner is like, talking to someone or they're out on a date with someone, or they're like in the pool and they're getting kind of close or they're kissing or whatever's going on, they will show the per. Your. Their partner a video of it. And he's watching a video of his partner hooking up with someone else.

[B]

So let's. Let's talk. This is a two minute clip.

[A]

Are you gonna give the play by play?

[B]

Yeah, we'll do play by play. Welcome back to Santa Gado Sports. Frank Alvarez here. Here with my calling commentary. Joe, how you doing?

[A]

I'm good.

[B]

All right, well, we got our boy Montoya here. And you want to just full screen.

[A]

Actually, no, leave like that. It's fine. You can just play it. Just play it.

[B]

Not a good look.

[A]

Just move the mouse.

[B]

That's Montoya.

[A]

So, yeah, that's Montoya. That's his girlfriend getting kissed by.

[B]

Well, she. He didn't kiss her there. He licked her mouth, which is worse than a kid. Way worse than this. Because that has sex behind.

[A]

And right now he's screaming at the.

[B]

Tv and she's like. And I think this guy is underwear in his underwear. And I think she says, like, I want to go to sleep. And he's like, all right, let's turn the lights off.

[A]

Which is like not. Not what you want here. That woman that you're seeing is like the host of the show.

[B]

Oh, my goodness. Or they might not even be seeing it, but lights go off. Montoya immediately.

[A]

He's like.

[B]

He's like, I'm out. He's pointing to the water. He's like, I need to go there. He's like, I want to go swim across the ocean. And then they put the night vision.

[A]

And then the night vision goes on, of course. And he's still watching.

[B]

Now. He is very emotional, as you would be if you watched your partner that you presumably love, you know, a lot. Yeah. About to enter the den of the beast. And there's no way else to describe this as just Joey. I Don't think you've seen steeper hills in Switzerland when you were out there. It's going downhill from here is pretty bad.

[A]

I, I, you know, once you start well. And there he goes. He's off to the races. So these, these houses, by the way, are down the beach from each other. So he's running right now.

[B]

He's not running. He is in a full sprint. He's in a sprint and he's screaming. And then the host is yelling at him, montoya, por favor, please come back here. Yeah.

[A]

And he's heading down to the other house to try and stop this hookup from happening. Unfortunately, it is too late. He's pulling up to the house right.

[B]

Now and he's screaming.

[A]

They cut to. That's what.

[B]

She is. And then there's just other naked people in the hot tub.

[A]

So they keep cutting back. As he picks up speed on the beach, you could turn it off at this point. Okay, so, yeah, as he picks up speed on the beach. Yeah. She is now getting rabbit by this other guy.

[B]

I don't know if she was doing if she was the rabbit or if he was there. It looks like they switch positions. If you go back and we do a play by play here, you could see at one point we're not going back. Or you could see at one point that she is on the receiving end of said rabbit and then does go on top in order to contribute to said.

[A]

It's a rough go for sure.

[B]

And like, first of all, the editor, that guy. Congratulations.

[A]

Will never be paid enough for this.

[B]

For what they, I mean, crazy. You immediately went with it. It's a man. Just other naked people.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, Josh, don't put that in. Got a freeze frame right now. But yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's kind of wild as, as he's running on the beach. And they cut to her just like she, it's, it's really like a jackhammering going on.

[B]

And what made it worse is as he is sprinting harder.

[A]

They're going harder.

[B]

They're going harder.

[A]

It almost, it's almost like his legs are connected to their motion.

[B]

There was a weird, like, you know how people say, like there's like weird universal connections, like we have a connection to the stars, the movie moon, and just the general feeling of the universe. However, our creator made us put a very specific connection between this man's sprint.

[A]

Speed and them having rabid, Rabid jackhammering coitus.

[B]

It's, it sounds like a fucking thunderclap in there. Like, it was. It was a lot.

[A]

And. And honestly, I would like to. To see. Because, listen, maybe if he didn't run so fast on the beach, it would have been slower. Do you know what I'm saying? Or maybe if he started walking backwards, none of this would have ever happened. You know what I mean?

[B]

I. There is no possible way that you as a couple, make it out of this. Out of this. And you know what? If she. We don't know the other side of the story. We don't know if he was like, a real piece of or something. And it's quite possible I did read.

[A]

Something that he, like, got a lap dance. So, like, this is, like, payback for that. But we don't. We don't know.

[B]

I mean, how do you quantify a lap dance to, like, that's your payback? That's like someone shooting a BB gun at you and then you dropping a megatung nuke on them.

[A]

But again, we don't know. Maybe. Maybe this dude Montoya deserves it.

[B]

I will say this to. He technically didn't see the actual sex of it all. He took. He took off.

[A]

Honestly, good for him.

[B]

He took off.

[A]

It was a great time to take off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because if you would have saw the rest of that, that TV is coming off the hinges.

[B]

Oh, my God. And there was another clip where he, like, kicks a TV or a screen or something like that. And there's more sex in that clip. And it was intense.

[A]

Here's what I will say. My heart goes out to these people. I hope that they work it out.

[B]

I don't. I hope that they go separate ways.

[A]

We don't know who's right or wrong in this situation. All I know is that the editing is fire. That's all I know.

[B]

He's great tv. Do you think it's like, if he's ever, like, if he ever hears, like, someone loudly having sex, he gets, like, a form of like, maybe.

[A]

Maybe trigger something reminded.

[B]

Yeah. And he's just like, oh, no.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Like rain on a tin roof. You're like, oh, God. This reminds me of when we were on that.

[B]

Absolutely crazy. We wish the best for them as individuals separately, because this is over.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think you can't come back from this as a person.

[A]

Yeah, I think so. I think so. That's a rough one. But we. We. We hope that they're great and good and, you know, it's amazing.

[B]

Unbelievable. I mean, go watch the show, I.

[A]

Guess, because, I mean, I think that this show is probably getting, like, Millions and millions of viewers now per episode. These people will be rich forever because of this.

[B]

I mean, not these two people, but probably the fucking show producers of the show. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, no, those two people are also probably going to be on, like.

[B]

Every single show because you know how I feel. I believe all reality TV is staged. I really do.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know that there are American producers of Temptation island right now that are just like, guys on this next season. You need to turn it up. Like, they are. Like, we need to create our own. Montoya, por favor. Yeah, you know, or they bring this guy on the show.

[A]

That'd be great.

[B]

And. Oh, my goodness.

[A]

I mean, actually, this guy's been through enough.

[B]

He's been through it. Yeah, he has been through enough. That is.

[A]

They are in the TV hall of Fame now.

[B]

Is that what that is? What, The TV hall of Fame now.

[A]

Like, that just exists in my head. I just made.

[B]

What else is in there?

[A]

Like Jersey Shore.

[B]

So Jersey Shore and Montoya, por favor, are the only two things you can think of in the TV hall of Fame.

[A]

I'm sure there's more.

[B]

Give me more.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fair.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. It is what it is, Frank.

[B]

I don't know. Like, I. My brain is so mush. Why, bro? Do you understand? It's a rough one. Like, I remember when I was in high school, I had heard that my girlfriend, like, kissed another guy and I. The crash out. That I probably had good use of.

[A]

Some Gen Z slang.

[B]

You like that, right? That's a crash, dude. That's a 10 car pile up, crash out. That is bad.

[A]

The definition.

[B]

I like, I could. I. Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, unbelievable.

[A]

Unbelievable.

[B]

You can't come back from that.

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, good on them, I guess. Montoya.

[A]

All right, well, I think that's where we can end the video or the episode.

[B]

What the hell? You think this is bigger? This is better. This is the basement, boys. Live Large Raw in the basement.

[A]

The birthday episode.

[B]

This was your birthday episode. Happy birthday.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I appreciate the. The gift. Well, you know, I. The gift that keeps on giving, that's me. And the poem and everything. I. If I'm not gonna do anything else, I'm gonna make you happy for your birthday.

[A]

Thank you. I appreciate. Appreciate that.

[B]

They're still here.