#494 - Visiting Docter Dan

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Basement Yard - Episode #494: Visiting Dr. Dan

Release Date: March 17, 2025
Host: Joe Santagato (Santagato Studios)

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Introduction

In Episode #494 of The Basement Yard, host Joe Santagato, along with co-hosts Frank and Ant, engage in their trademark candid and humorous conversation. The episode, titled "Visiting Dr. Dan," delves into a variety of lighthearted topics ranging from everyday accessories to quirky internet phenomena, ultimately leading to a humorous examination of a mysterious service card from the past.

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Casual Banter and Everyday Topics (00:00 - 05:00)

The episode kicks off with the trio exchanging greetings and discussing preferences in terminology. Frank compliments Joey's jacket, highlighting its colors and practicality.

Frank (00:19): "Love that jacket you got going on there, by the way. Absolutely love it. Just. The colors are great."

Joey emphasizes the utility of pockets, joking about their use holding weapons, while Frank counters with a preference for carrying money discreetly.

Their conversation shifts to smoking habits, with Frank revealing he quit smoking cigars cold turkey to focus on his health.

Frank (01:05): "I think I'm done, baby. You're cold turkey, I'm gone."

Internet Culture and TikTok Trends (05:00 - 15:00)

The hosts transition to discussing various TikTok trends, including a French account dedicated to refurbishing old lighters and woodworking enthusiasts restoring machetes and other tools. They express admiration for the craftsmanship and dedication of these creators.

Frank (02:11): "But what is so then if fudgeing something up is furbishing it. Yes."

They also touch upon the creativity of content creators who blend ancient tool-making techniques with modern-day aesthetics, showcasing meticulous work like creating obsidian swords.

Personal Anecdotes and Childhood Stories (15:00 - 25:00)

Frank reminisces about his time in Cub Scouts, sharing humorous memories about dressing up as Danny Zuko and carrying an empty pack of Marlboro Reds in his T-shirt during his youth.

Frank (07:12): "And my dad used to put an empty pack of Marlboro Reds in my T shirt as like a five year old."

Joey relates by discussing his parents' smoking habits, revealing that his mother occasionally smoked weed, while his father abstained from smoking altogether.

Dissecting a Mysterious Service Card: Dr. Dan (25:00 - 50:00)

The core of the episode revolves around a peculiar service card titled "Dr. Dan," allegedly found among a deceased grandmother's belongings. The hosts humorously analyze the card's offerings, which parody medical services with explicit and tongue-in-cheek descriptions.

Service Offerings Breakdown

• Plain Insertion ($20) (32:16):

  • Described humorously with additions like "caresses" for an extra $7.

  Frank (32:35): "Also, Spinsters satisfied. What the hell's a spinster?"

• Doggy Style ($22.50) with Barking and Yelping (35:34):

  • Another layer of humor as they jest about incorporating animalistic sounds into the services.

  Frank (35:34): "Dog fashion. It was like doggy style with barking and yelping included."

• Womb Stretch ($39.25) (36:28):

  • They poke fun at the ambiguous terminology, questioning its meaning and application.

  Joey (36:34): "What's a womb stretch is this that."

• Tongue Bath ($50) and Muff Dive ($100) (38:43):

  • The hosts continue their humorous interpretation of the services, speculating on their exaggerated and comical nature.

  Frank (38:43): "He would know extra attention given."

Pricing and Historical Context

Frank attempts to adjust the 1960 pricing for inflation, converting the original amounts to present-day equivalents to highlight the absurdity of the service rates.

Ant (33:27): "$27 would be $289.70."

Humorous Ads and Sponsorships (50:00 - 73:50)

Interspersed with the main content, the episode features satirical advertisements promoting bizarre and fictional products, maintaining the comedic tone. These segments parody typical podcast ads by exaggerating product features in a humorous manner.

Final Thoughts and Interactive Segment (73:50 - End)

As the episode nears its conclusion, the hosts engage in a playful and irreverent discussion about personal anecdotes related to family members, further emphasizing their camaraderie and comedic chemistry.

Interactive Question: Piss for a Wish

In a light-hearted skit, Joey poses a hypothetical scenario asking if they would drink a full 16-ounce cup of a random person's urine in exchange for a wish. The conversation spirals into humorous debates about the feasibility and repercussions of such an act.

Joey (56:14): "Would you drink a full 16 ounce cup of a random person's piss if it meant you could be granted one wish?"

Despite the explicit nature of the question, the hosts navigate the topic with humor, maintaining the episode's overall comedic essence.

Conclusion

Episode #494 of The Basement Yard seamlessly blends casual conversations, internet culture commentary, personal stories, and satirical humor. The highlight revolves around the fictional "Dr. Dan" service card, which serves as a vessel for the hosts' witty banter and comedic exploration of absurd scenarios. This episode exemplifies the show's ability to entertain listeners through spontaneous discussions and imaginative humor.

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Notable Quotes

• Frank (00:19): "Love that jacket you got going on there, by the way. Absolutely love it. Just. The colors are great."

• Frank (01:05): "I think I'm done, baby. You're cold turkey, I'm gone."

• Ant (33:27): "$27 would be $289.70."

• Joey (56:14): "Would you drink a full 16 ounce cup of a random person's piss if it meant you could be granted one wish?"

• Frank (38:43): "He would know extra attention given."

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Note: This summary captures the essence and key moments of Episode #494, providing a comprehensive overview for listeners who haven't tuned in.

Transcript

[Joey]

Welcome back to the basement yard welcome back to the basement yard Frank.

[Frank]

How you doing, baby?

[Joey]

I'm doing great.

[Frank]

How are you? Do you prefer baby over bitch?

[Joey]

Yeah, I think anyone would.

[Frank]

Well, some people don't like baby. Baby makes them feel a little uncomfortable.

[Joey]

What do you mean, some people don't like baby?

[Frank]

Love that jacket you got going on there, by the way. Absolutely love it, Love it. Just. The colors are great.

[Joey]

I love a good inside pocket because then people think you have a gun.

[Frank]

Nothing is cooler than when I'm wearing a suit and I put money in there, bro. Dude, it makes me feel so. Hey, welcome back, by the way, guys.

[Joey]

Hey, yo. At weddings, when you have, like, the.

[Frank]

Card and you pull it out and he's like, this is for you.

[Joey]

Yeah, but have you ever. Have you ever. Giving anyone anything from my jacket pocket is the coolest thing.

[Frank]

Really cool.

[Joey]

It's better than smoking cigarettes, which is cool. Oh, not actually.

[Frank]

No. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't look it. Don't do it.

[Joey]

Yeah, but like, at wedding, sometimes the car I got is too wide, and it doesn't. It's so fucking.

[Frank]

I hate that. Listen, as a former cigar smoker, it's.

[Joey]

You gave it up your retire, cold turkey.

[Frank]

I think I'm done, baby. You're cold turkey, I'm gone. Yeah. I got nothing like my Turkey, because I got no reason to right now. I just.

[Joey]

What was the reason before?

[Frank]

Enjoying it.

[Joey]

I just don't.

[Frank]

I don't know, maybe if the time was right, but, like, right now, I'm in a place of just, like, I don't need it. I'm trying to not die. But whipping out a cigar and then whipping out a Zippo lighter out of one of those bitches and just being like, zippo lighter, dude. What a great role. Lighters, lighters, all of them. Like, there's some metal ones.

[Joey]

Metal lighter.

[Frank]

Oh, yeah. Like Bix.

[Joey]

Yeah. Like, I'm not.

[Frank]

Listen, no offense to Bix, but why pens and lighters? Like, why is that.

[Joey]

That's very confusing.

[Frank]

Like, but, dude, there's some. There's like, this, like, lighter account on TikTok. And it's like this French guy and he finds a bunch of old lighters, and he's like, this is from the Japan, you know, Forgive the French. It's okay accent. Oh.

[Joey]

So he has all these old lighters as you refurbish them, dude.

[Frank]

And he, like, gets my word.

[Joey]

Refurbish, refurbish. Like, you make them new again.

[Frank]

But what is so then if fudgeing something up is furbishing it. Yes.

[Joey]

Don't.

[Frank]

Don't look it up.

[Joey]

No, but I love when people get. I mean, we've talked about this, too, because there's. That one Irish guy was like, oh, I've got to bring this thing back.

[Frank]

Oh, the wood.

[Joey]

Yeah, yeah.

[Frank]

It's like woodworking.

[Joey]

I've seen him, like, make a machete look really nice and shiny again. That's fun.

[Frank]

Have you ever seen the ones where they put the machetes in, like, the tub and then they shock it to get all the fucking rust off of it?

[Joey]

No.

[Frank]

What you've never seen.

[Joey]

I do like that, though, because sometimes they do that with, like, watches or, like, jewelry. What is going on in this little tub?

[Frank]

It's a little horny. What is it?

[Joey]

Is it.

[Frank]

I'm sure. So, like, it's like a. Yeah. I don't know.

[Joey]

Or it just shakes it. It just shakes it.

[Frank]

I don't think the shaking is the thing that's cleaning it. I think it's probably the chemicals that are in it. Oh, but.

[Joey]

So I can't, like, put my finger in there. Like, if I had a dirty hand, I can't. Like.

[Frank]

That's a great question. I don't know. I don't think we should look it up, because how would we even look that up?

[Joey]

Would you get in a. Like, a shaky tub, like, knock the dirt off of you?

[Frank]

I don't. There's something, the way you said that that seems a little like, double entendre, and I don't like it.

[Joey]

What does that mean?

[Frank]

Like, to me.

[Joey]

I know what a double entendre.

[Frank]

Dirt off me. My. My dust has been knocked off. See, now I fucked it up. But I said it.

[Joey]

So now you do get dusty.

[Frank]

We're all a little dusty, definitely. But so this guy. It's like old lighters, and some of them are just like. It looks like a little clam. And then you open the clam and it's just bang. Like a fucking flame.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

And it's so sick. Dude.

[Joey]

You know what's cool? Yeah. I don't really. I mean, I don't know. I don't know if I love torches.

[Frank]

I love my torch. My dad. My dad. Yeah.

[Joey]

Like, no, no. What?

[Frank]

My. My dad always had. Because my dad gave up smoking cigarettes to smoke. The better option, which is black and mild.

[Joey]

Right.

[Frank]

And he would light it with a plumber's torch, which is the fucking torch with the giant propane canister underneath. Yeah. And he would light it like this.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

And that thing was fucking wild. Yeah.

[Joey]

He doesn't have eyebrows anymore because of that. That's an insane thing to be lighting that with, by the way.

[Frank]

I mean, it's my father. Does anything surprise you?

[Joey]

It is true.

[Frank]

Were your parents smokers?

[Joey]

No. I mean, one time my dad like never smoke. I don't think he's ever smoked in his life.

[Frank]

Really.

[Joey]

I've never seen him smoke. And I remember them saying, oh my God.

[Frank]

I can only imagine you asking him, dad, have you ever smoked? Oh yeah. He would be so offended.

[Joey]

We have gotten like it out of. My mom has been like, mom used to smoke weed. And then she's like, I. And I'm like, whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Frank]

You got her, you fucking pothead.

[Joey]

420. That's a three.

[Frank]

But.

[Joey]

But yeah, so I think my mom like smoked a little. A little bit of the grass. The devil's lettuce.

[Frank]

Well, you definitely shouldn't say that. There's definitely better ways to say that.

[Joey]

Devil's lettuce.

[Frank]

Yeah. Cuz weren't it was. I think like all those like old timey terms for weed were kind of like a little insensitive toward people. The devil? Well, yeah, because they was like a popular thing to smoke by black men and women. So like the white people are just like, you know, you know how they be.

[Joey]

But what I thought the devil's lettuce was like, because it's a drug also, like drugs.

[Frank]

There's another word for. I don't want to say because it's, it's kind of mean, but like it has to do with a type of music. And then they call it the music cigarette.

[Joey]

I've never heard really in my life.

[Frank]

You ever heard that.

[Joey]

You're so tapped into, like.

[Frank]

Yeah, man, but backtracking a little bit again, you know, I'm not a, I'm not a cigarette smoker, but if you pulled out of your jacket those like old timey metal things that like held cigarettes.

[Joey]

Yeah, but they're, they're hand rolled and they're like made them earlier.

[Frank]

They're like, yeah, they're like. You bought the tobacco at the store.

[Joey]

See, I would do that.

[Frank]

Really? I mean, it's still bad. It's. It's still bad tobacco. Duh.

[Joey]

That's not why I'm saying I would do it. I would do it because it's just cool or honestly hate this aesthetic. But there is something about a rolled up cigarette pack in your, in your sleeve.

[Frank]

Oh, like you're fucking Johnny from the fucking Greasers.

[Joey]

Yeah, exactly.

[Frank]

When we were kids at like when I would do like Cub Scouts, my sister and I. What, you did Cub Scouts? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did Cub Scouts.

[Joey]

Do you have badges, bro? How did I not know you're a Cub Scout?

[Frank]

I was a Cub Scout. I don't think I could. How long did you cub? I think there, I think that means something else. But it was at St. Francis. It wasn't very long, but I. I remember my parents, we used to dress. They used to dress me as fucking Danny Zuko from Greece. And my dad used to put an empty pack of Marlboro Reds in my T shirt as like a five year old.

[Joey]

Wait, I thought Cub Scouts wear uniforms.

[Frank]

But like they had like. You had to make like those cars. You never saw those where like you have to like woodwork a car and like win a race. My dad put so many quarters in that thing.

[Joey]

You strike me as a Cub Scout.

[Ant]

No, no.

[Joey]

Eagle Scout.

[Ant]

No. That's better.

[Frank]

Well, I think you need to go from one to the other. You can't be an Eagle Scout if you don't stop as I start as a cub hierarchy. I stopped at Cub. I was done. I think. You didn't pub.

[Ant]

I didn't cub.

[Joey]

Did you do anything like that though? Were you part of club?

[Frank]

I did. I will say I did go camping with some Boy scouts once and it was an experience.

[Joey]

Were you a boy scout?

[Frank]

No.

[Joey]

Are you an adult? Because the way you said that was like I went camping with some boy scout.

[Frank]

I was in middle school and some of the kids that I went to school with were like. You remember some of them? Yeah, they were boy scouts. And like we went for like two nights and it was just like. Where. I don't remember where. It was somewhere in New York. But like it wasn't like anything intense. It was one of those like. You ever see those tiktoks of that guy that's like in the wilderness and there's like a shack that's like four campers. The guy with the guy that's just like. So we're going to be digging out.

[Joey]

Is that the guy with the glasses?

[Frank]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey]

I love that guy.

[Frank]

I will kill for him. We watched one of his videos when we were in Vancouver.

[Joey]

We did.

[Frank]

We threw it on the TV. This dude gets like 28 million fucking watches a month.

[Joey]

He, he's like, look at this. And then he, he takes a stick out and he's like 14 foot snow. I'm like, dude, get off of that. Yeah, like it's dangerous.

[Frank]

My guy, I love. I forget what his. I think it's, like, brave wilderness or some shit like that.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

But he's like, so today we're gonna be like, I. I brought this homemade bread, and it's just dough in a bag. Yeah. And he's like. And I got this honey butter, and he's just scooping charred bread that he made over the fire into honey butter. All about it.

[Joey]

There's a TikTok account that I. There's a couple of them, but there's one in particular that I don't remember the name, but it's this dude who has the sharpest knife in the world.

[Frank]

Is it the obsidian knife? What is that? Star Wars?

[Joey]

You finish Sword from Zelda. What is that?

[Frank]

Do you want me to go off about the sword? I'm sorry.

[Joey]

I brought up.

[Frank]

Because there's the skyward sword. There's. All right, go. Go ahead.

[Joey]

No, but this guy, he, like, goes out into nature, and he'll find a piece of wood or something, and then there's, like, a river. So he'll, like, grab a. He'll get a fish, and then, like, he'll scale the fish, and then he'll make a fire out of, like, a stump and something else, and then he'll create a fire. And then he's got, like, like, bread, and then he's got, like, a piece of meat.

[Frank]

And then he's got. Oh, oh, oh.

[Joey]

He's.

[Frank]

He's making.

[Joey]

He's.

[Frank]

What are you doing?

[Joey]

And then he's, like, slicing tomatoes. Thin, Thin tomatoes. And he's got that giant fat knife, and they're. See, through the. The. The. The tomatoes are so thin that you.

[Frank]

Could see through them.

[Joey]

It's unbelievable.

[Frank]

And he, like, takes a big, like, rock and he wets it and cleans it in the river, and then he just, like, puts it all. And he cooks a steak on this fucking.

[Joey]

And then he's got the steak, and then he takes it like a piece of rosemary or just like, a piece of leaf. And then he, like, dips that in olive oil, and he goes like this. And I'm like, dude, this guy's not.

[Frank]

Worried about diseases at all. And he throws an onion in the air, and he catches it on his knife. God, whatever this big knife guy is, you love your knife, and I love your skills.

[Joey]

I love your knife and skills as well.

[Frank]

Those are the best, dude.

[Joey]

When he throws the onion and then catches it, and then he turns it over, and then he starts going, shun, shun, shun, shun, I'm like, fucking.

[Frank]

Oh, it's so good. You know why I like it? Because I know I could never do it, dude.

[Joey]

And then when he slices, like, rosemary.

[Frank]

Like, extra thin, and he's like, well, rosemary. Rosemary is a. It's like a leaf.

[Joey]

Well, I know he, like, scrapes it off, but that's not what I'm talking about.

[Frank]

Oh, and he has, like, parsley and.

[Joey]

He, like, shaves it and he's like, oh.

[Frank]

It's like, oh, my bro.

[Joey]

This is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life.

[Frank]

Like, he has, like, a mortar and pestle and he puts, like, peppercorns in it. And he's like, the dude dude.

[Joey]

And shark. And then he. And then he. Yeah. Yo, bro. Oh, my God. People, like, go the extra mile.

[Frank]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joey]

And it's like, yo, there's salt and pepper. It's everywhere. You're like, I'm gonna make it.

[Frank]

I. I could see you in a couple years after making it. Said and Done. Joey's gonna be one of those. He's gonna be it. And I'm proud of you. I know, but, like, the prospect of you doing it, I'm proud of you.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

I would love for, like, a Patreon video.

[Joey]

Do you know the Canadian one?

[Frank]

Go ahead.

[Joey]

Do you know the Canadian guy?

[Frank]

Which Canadian guy?

[Joey]

There's a Canadian guy that does this. Buddies.

[Frank]

Hello, buddy.

[Joey]

You never seen that?

[Frank]

Have you ever seen. Bro, There's.

[Joey]

Don't skip over this.

[Frank]

You skipped over me. The skipping continued on your side.

[Joey]

I was afraid that you were going to go off of these tik toks.

[Frank]

He.

[Joey]

It's like a little cabin, and he's got a big.

[Frank]

He's got a.

[Joey]

He's got, like, stash. And he goes, hello, buddy. And then he. He makes a thing. It's like a tea that he makes and a little meal. And then he sits down at the end of it. He's in this cabin with a tiny tv. He's playing, like, Duck Hunter, bro.

[Frank]

You mean Duck Hunt.

[Joey]

But I do mean Duck Hunt.

[Frank]

You mean Duck Hunt. Awesome. Yeah. Unbelievable. And then. So the guy was gonna bring up before I forgot who he is. As if I would. His name would matter.

[Joey]

I don't know.

[Frank]

He, like, makes, like, ancient tools and he's, like, so funny.

[Joey]

We're so deep in. This is so niche now. He's like, there's a guy who makes ancient tools.

[Frank]

He has, like, a piece of, like, cowhide on his leg, and he holds, like, a piece of obsidian. And he takes a rock and what's obsidian? Obsidian is like super cooled lava that becomes glass and like a lot of like ancient. I was gonna say companies. No, ancient cultures. And what's it. Civilizations would make tools out of this because when it. It breaks so thin and it's like 30 times sharper than a scalpel. And you don't need to sharpen it because the more it breaks, it just breaks thinner and thinner. Oh, so like old swords. Look up old obsidian swords. Look that up right now. Old obsidian swords.

[Joey]

Do they sell this? Let's get a sword.

[Frank]

Let's get a sword in here. Old obsidian swords. Look at this. That's what I'm talking about.

[Joey]

Oh, they put them on like paddles.

[Frank]

And they were like the ancient man. I feel bad that I won't be able to understand like correctly.

[Ant]

Aztec.

[Frank]

Aztec. Okay. And they would like sh. But then they'd catch them and then rip it and it would just their up.

[Joey]

Damn, dude. I'm. I'm not on. I'm not on. Ancient tool making Tick.

[Frank]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he like, he like holds it.

[Joey]

Oh, those obsidian.

[Ant]

I was trying to look for prices, but yeah, then these buffed up.

[Frank]

But like if he like takes it and he's like bang. And he hits it with a rock and it like poke it like come. It cuts off. Yeah.

[Joey]

Tick Tock's got some great stuff. You know, honestly, I'm kind of sick of people like real world talking like let's. Let's see some skills.

[Frank]

You know, I think what we do is very skilled making obsidian swords. I mean you wouldn't see them going and selling out Radio City. What are they gonna do?

[Joey]

I would buy a ticket to that if there was a.

[Frank]

Hold on.

[Joey]

If I could go to a show where they just. Where a guy's gonna. Oh, you know you go to like a paint and sip and you're like haha. Like if someone's like yeah, we're making ancient fucking swords in here and we're gonna drink some wine. That's probably a little too dangerous.

[Frank]

Shut up. What if it's. You know how they would do like the old timey, like people watching surgeries and like the theater in the round.

[Joey]

I think they still do that.

[Frank]

Yeah. I mean, weird now that we do that. Like we could.

[Joey]

It's for students.

[Frank]

I know, but still stupid. Like if they think the students should.

[Joey]

Learn how to do surgery, they could be in the room.

[Frank]

They don't need to be watching it like a fucking vulture. How you gonna get out?

[Joey]

You're not.

[Frank]

Can I sit with you and watch. Yeah, done. You don't need to fucking have it in a pod where people watch you like. It's a lion's den. I think that's actually what they call it. Or maybe that was a wrestling match, Frank. They have to the body 10 Shamrock and Steve Blackman.

[Joey]

Those are wrestlers.

[Frank]

They were. But.

[Joey]

Yeah, I don't either. I have no idea where.

[Frank]

Now you're. You've offended me.

[Joey]

The thing.

[Frank]

But if they did that. But, like, in there, they're not doing surgery. They're just, like, shaping wood into a canoe. Yeah, just like woodworking. There's that guy. Remember that guy who went viral years ago on Twitch? He's. I think he's from New Zealand or from Australia. And. And he's just a. Just a big, happy dude. And he's just like, all right, we're gonna make. You know, we're gonna make a paddle today, you know, and he's just like, start. And like, someone gifted him a sub, and he's like, oh, I want to send you the money back. You don't need to do that. I just like doing this. And now he's huge, dude.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Ant]

Very, very underrated impression that he did.

[Joey]

I. I feel like I.

[Frank]

It was good.

[Ant]

It was very good.

[Frank]

It's funny, his name is, like, Brock's or something like that.

[Joey]

That's a. That's a sick name.

[Frank]

So cool.

[Joey]

But that's also the impression he does for David Beckham. Now do. Now do the guy.

[Frank]

All right, maybe it's a little.

[Joey]

You know what?

[Frank]

They are pretty similar, bro. If I saw David Beckham and I heard him talk like that, I know I could beat him up if I saw this guy. I know I can't.

[Joey]

David Beckham.

[Frank]

You think realistically you could beat up David Beckham?

[Joey]

Absolutely not. I've seen him.

[Frank]

Mean, maybe you've seen him sitting down, Joey.

[Joey]

He was standing at one point, but.

[Frank]

He'S not that tall. He's what? Like, he's like your height. Like five one. You bastard.

[Joey]

Six foot.

[Frank]

Well, height and weight.

[Joey]

I mean, he's definitely 150. I'll dog him. And when it comes to that.

[Frank]

So he's got it. So he's six feet.

[Joey]

What the.75 is fucking 75.

[Frank]

75 kilos is you. Yeah, 75 kilos. That's like 170.

[Joey]

I have no idea how to do the conversion, to be honest.

[Frank]

75 kilos to pounds 163. Oh. See, that confidence paid off. Now I look smarter to everyone that thought.

[Joey]

I feel like you just like. I'm trying to picture his body and how much he would weigh.

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

Crazy.

[Frank]

But six feet, you're done. You're toast. This guy's got a good 10 inches on you.

[Joey]

All right. I was like, what are you talking about? Yeah. No, I guess. Shout out to David Beckham and his wife Victoria. Why am I doing that?

[Frank]

You ever see that clip of where she's just like, talking about, like, my dad. We had it so hard. And. And he's like in the back, David Beckham in the background. He's like, what school did your dad drop you? What car did your dad drive you schooling?

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

She's like, it doesn't matter, David. He's like, what? What car? And she's like, david, it doesn't matter. He's like, it was a bloody rose. Rowies.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Or something. Something like that.

[Joey]

Yo. I'm a big fan of bloody, by the way. When. When people from, like, England say, oh, bloody crazy, or like, whatever. And I'm on cheeky too now.

[Frank]

Cheeky. I really like. I would. I love the idea of cunt, but, like, we can't do it here.

[Joey]

We could.

[Frank]

Cheeky.

[Joey]

Yachiki's cool.

[Frank]

Cheeky school. Because it's playfully naughty. You know what I mean?

[Joey]

Like, cheeky cunt. You could probably get away with that.

[Frank]

Yeah. Cheeky blood. What. What comes next?

[Joey]

Cunt.

[Frank]

We. So we're gonna do. I actually planned on this. We're gonna do an episode of, like, Europe slang before we go over there. So we'll be. Well versed. I was gonna say endowed for some reason. We'll be.

[Joey]

Well, we won't be that.

[Frank]

We'll be well versed before we go over there. But. But speaking of well versed, there's actually something that I saw that I wanted to bring up. I don't know if you saw this. It's been.

[Joey]

This is not gonna have anything to do with well versed. Huh?

[Frank]

No. Or well endowed.

[Joey]

Or maybe speaking of well versed, here's something that has nothing to do with it.

[Frank]

No, no, no. Well endowed might be the thing I'm not gonna show you.

[Joey]

Which means big dick.

[Frank]

Yeah. By the way, I'm not showing you a picture of a dick. Just.

[Joey]

That'd be great.

[Frank]

Okay. I'm not. I promise.

[Joey]

But this sounds like you are.

[Frank]

But it's been going on the around on the Internet. So there's a woman who. Look at me, Joey. There's a woman who found was going through her dead grandmother's, like, belongings after. Could grandmothers be Dying. I mean, we know that they do be dying. And found this card in her dresser. Mm. And show the first one. First, the first. No, no. Yeah. So that one. So this is a car that was in her dresser, presumably from the 50s or 60s for Dr. Dan. Expert plane and fancy fucking evenings. By appointment only.

[Joey]

This is awesome.

[Frank]

Grandma was getting it, dude. So, I mean, we can just cut.

[Joey]

Rate to a party of six or more.

[Frank]

Satisfaction with one hard on.

[Joey]

This dude was giving out six man discounts.

[Frank]

So first of all, way to go, Dr. Dan. All the way. Also, spelling doctor wrong. Is that. Is it doctor or doctor? Is that spelled right?

[Joey]

It's doctor. It's. That's wrong. Doctor.

[Frank]

It is doctor.

[Joey]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Frank]

So this guy didn't want to get in trouble.

[Ant]

I don't think this man is a doctor.

[Joey]

I don't think he's a fucking doctor either.

[Frank]

What are the lines of being a doctor, though? I think that's something that we definitely have to ask. Schooling.

[Joey]

Schooling. Schooling.

[Frank]

Really? Yep. Because you could be a doctor of thuganomics. Look at John Cena. You could be. Maybe to you. But this guy knew extra attention given.

[Joey]

To neglected married women.

[Frank]

Also bottom right corner. Widow's a specialty.

[Joey]

How he specializes in widows.

[Frank]

There's one part of this that you are vastly overlooking.

[Joey]

Virgins treated gently.

[Frank]

Spinsters satisfied. What the hell's a spinster? What is that? What's a spinster? Spinster. Spinster. What is that? It sounds like Chuckie Finster, which I think doesn't mean anything compared to this. Who is that? Chuckie Finster.

[Joey]

I don't even know why I asked.

[Frank]

Chuckie Finster. Tommy Pickles.

[Joey]

Oh, that's his last name.

[Frank]

Chucky, yeah.

[Joey]

Oh, I didn't know that. By appointment only is great. You can't just walk in here with a party of six.

[Frank]

So this was clearly. So Grandma was.

[Joey]

She was getting.

[Frank]

She needed Dr. Dan, I'm assuming, you.

[Joey]

Know, Grandpa died, she became a widow, and that's.

[Frank]

What do you call this? A gigolo? Is that what that technically is?

[Joey]

I think so. Yeah.

[Frank]

Or a male prostitute.

[Joey]

Yeah, it could be.

[Frank]

I got.

[Joey]

I mean, this is a doctor.

[Frank]

I gotta say. Gigolo. Cool word. It's a fun word. It reminds me of jello.

[Joey]

It does.

[Frank]

It reminds me of.

[Joey]

Say it. R. Kelly.

[Frank]

God damn it. I wasn't going.

[Joey]

That is a go. Imagine making a song about like.

[Frank]

It was a gigolo spending lots of dough.

[Joey]

Oh, do you remember who's always on the go?

[Frank]

Do you remember who sang that song? He did the hook, Kelly. He did the hook. Do you remember whose song that actually was?

[Joey]

No.

[Frank]

The signs were there, man.

[Joey]

P. Diddy.

[Frank]

No, the signs were there. It was Nick Cannon.

[Joey]

Was it a Nick Cannon song?

[Frank]

Yeah. You don't need to pull up. Absolutely.

[Joey]

Do not pull it up.

[Frank]

I mean, the song kind of hits. I think it was on, like, now that's what I call music. Like seven or eight. And I remember.

[Joey]

Why do you know that?

[Frank]

Because we had those. My mom would get us those albums.

[Joey]

You had all the. Now, that's whatever.

[Frank]

Not all of them, but we had a few.

[Joey]

Did you have any kids bop?

[Frank]

No, thank God. Thank God you had kids bop.

[Ant]

I did.

[Joey]

You would. You would.

[Frank]

Kids. You bop. Your parents probably loved that you were a kid bopping.

[Joey]

I guess I don't even know how to understand that.

[Frank]

Do you remember any of the good kids bop? Like, did you, like, legit listen to it or do you know immediately, like, this is.

[Ant]

I just remember some of them were pretty good.

[Frank]

Like what?

[Ant]

I don't remember. I couldn't tell you.

[Joey]

It's kind of a bananas move to be like, yo, let's take popular songs, make kids sing them, and then sell CDs and give them probably nothing.

[Frank]

Oh, yeah, I told. Did I tell you that there was a company who reached out to invite me to Kids Box?

[Joey]

Yeah, they tour.

[Frank]

They tour. And they were just like, bring the family. Which is cool, by the way. Gracious. But then they were like, meet the stars of Kids Bob.

[Joey]

Right?

[Frank]

And I was like.

[Joey]

Like, I'm not gonna meet Tommy, bro. What am I gonna do?

[Frank]

What song do you like? You know?

[Joey]

Yeah, I was gonna ask. Tour. Like, that's how you say it.

[Frank]

Tour.

[Joey]

Do you say tour or you say tour?

[Ant]

Going on tour.

[Frank]

Tour. Yeah.

[Joey]

Tour.

[Frank]

Tour.

[Joey]

See, like, yeah, people say tour.

[Frank]

I think it's just a regional difference. You know what I mean? I don't think there's much.

[Joey]

Someone from New York one time was like, tour. I was like, oh, what the fuck?

[Frank]

To wear.

[Joey]

I also pronounce a lot of words wrong. But, you know.

[Frank]

Well, we're New Yorkers. We do, you know, Coffee, chocolate.

[Joey]

Everyone gets on me for ax.

[Frank]

Well, that's because you're just saying it wrong, but I understand. You're.

[Joey]

Yeah, I don't have time.

[Frank]

So just based off of what you're seeing here, if you knew someone that needed a little fancy fucking, right?

[Joey]

If there was neglected married women, then who better to call than a doctor?

[Frank]

I mean, here's the thing. Nothing here that says it's only for women. Extra attention given to Neglected married women.

[Joey]

That's fair. That's fair.

[Frank]

Nothing that says, right, he's not. Dr. Dan isn't given the Dr. Dick to dad.

[Joey]

And the virgins are treated gently. Which is.

[Frank]

Which is what you want to hear.

[Joey]

Exactly.

[Frank]

You know, you want them to be treated with.

[Joey]

Never want. We don't want anyone treated not gently. Unless they don't want to be treated gently.

[Frank]

So that case, I really hope there's nothing about this that has come out that has been like, bad or dark, because then, then we sound bad, but, like, what did we say? I'm just saying. I know, I know, I know. I'm just saying. All right, so now, Joey, there's another portion of this which is the back of the card.

[Joey]

Wait, hold on real quick. I just want to point this out. There's a photo right underneath this. So it's so funny that there's like a face. Family photo. Or her and her husband. And then right under that, Dr. Be honest with the dick out.

[Frank]

Because your grandmothers are all gone.

[Joey]

Right.

[Frank]

If you had gone.

[Joey]

You made it sound like I have 20 of them.

[Frank]

Both your grandparents are gone.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Both your. Both sets of grandparents are gone.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

You're clean.

[Joey]

Cleaned out.

[Frank]

Cleaned out.

[Joey]

Yeah. We're empty.

[Frank]

Gotcha. If you found this in your grandmother's drawer, would you be hype or would you be like Grandma Frank?

[Joey]

Oh, if she's alive.

[Frank]

Well, no, no, no. If she's.

[Joey]

Oh, she died.

[Frank]

Current situation.

[Joey]

If, if, if my grandmother died and we went to her house and I found this. I'm putting it in a frame and I'm hanging it.

[Frank]

Really?

[Joey]

You're that pumped 100%?

[Frank]

Yeah, I would, I, I.

[Joey]

This is honestly like finding the Declaration of Independence.

[Frank]

There's also something sad about this because at the time, women were not. Not that they're treated great now, but.

[Joey]

Do we know what time this was?

[Frank]

It's. So we're gonna get into that. So I think I tried finding the original post and I couldn't find it. I think it's around the 60s. So there's another part of this before Ant pulls it up that includes what is offered by Dr. Dan. What his services. So in addition to what the services are gonna pull up, we went the extra mile here at the basement yard. We take research very seriously when it is stupid. And we did a conversion of what the cost would be.

[Joey]

Oh, with inflation.

[Frank]

With inflation. Adjusted for inflation. Love that. So perfect. So why don't we pull up the next.

[Joey]

Why don't we get to the ads and then we'll get to this. All right.

[Frank]

Yeah. Ads and then we'll talk about Dr. Dan. Given that, go to the ad.

[Joey]

Yeah. Thank God. First off here we got Omaha Steaks. Omaha Steaks, they make amazing steaks. Okay. The legendary steaks. They sent a box of them to me and Frank and we are very excited about that. They're in my freezer freezing right now. They have been America's original butcher since 1917. Okay. Way before Dr. Dan, they delivers the world's best steak experience and brings people together with more than a hundred years of family owned expertise. Yeah. Now during their semi annual sale, you can get 50% off site wide at Omaha Steaks. Plus our listeners will get an extra $30 off with the promo code basemeyard at checkout. Okay. You're saving tons of money here. And these are great steaks and they have a bunch of different cuts. So if you're having a party or you know, anything like that, or you're just a steak lover, you can get them at Omaha Steak. So grass fed grain finished beef has more marbling for exceptional flavor. And there's a choice of steakhouses and professional chefs around the world. So you're getting that kind of quality steak. All right. So don't miss the semiannual sale at Omaha Steaks. Visit Omaha Steaks.com for 50% off site wide and for an extra $30 off, use the promo code basement yard at checkout. Okay. So saving a ton of money there. 50% off omahasteaks.com and get that extra $30 off with the promo code basement yard. Go get yourself some steaks. All right. And we also have caraway. Okay. Good looking clean cooking. There's a lot of pots and pans out there and you know, we've learned over the years that cooking with them enough, you can kick up some dirt and there's some toxins that are in the things that they are using to protect the pots or whatever. And it's not good because it gets into your body. But with caraway, we got, we got rid of that. Okay. You know like microplastics and stuff like that. The, the amount of plastic in, in brain samples has increased 50% since 2016. I'm going to think about that for the rest of the afternoon and scare myself. A single scratch on Teflon cookware can release over 9,000 microplastic particles. Also going to think about that. But caraway kitchenware is crafted with sustainable non toxic materials. Premium stainless steel, natural slick ceramic and more to help you create a safer, healthier Home. Okay. So if you do a lot of cooking, just better to have a pot that you know is not going to kick up any microplastics into your body. So it's nice. I have it. And they're also beautiful. Okay. Not for nothing, there's got some very pretty colors and it's nice aesthetically, it's not like this, you know, whack looking thing. But anyway, there's no better time to make healthy. Swap to Caraway, our favorite cookware set. Save you $150 versus buying them. Buying the items individually. If you Visit Caraway if CarawayHome.com Basement you can take an additional 10% off of your next purchase. Okay. This deal is exclusive for our listeners, so visit carawayhome.com basement or use the code basement at checkout. Caraway Non Toxic cookware made modern. Enjoy that.

[Frank]

Yeah. And you know what, if you're cooking something up in the kitchen, you know, why don't you throw on more of us, more of the basement yard, which you can [e-mail] thebasement yard thank you so much to everyone that continues to support us, especially the people that support us over on Patreon, which is kind of realistically the most direct and easiest way to support us. Go to patreon.com thebasemanyard Sign up today for that first tier and you get these weekly episodes one week in advance. Then that second tier, well, you'll get exclusive episodes every Single Friday at 7am like clockwork, baby. Our biological clock is ticking right along for you. Okay? So, yeah, thank you, Ant. So go over to the basementyard.com/nope, patreon.com the basementyard to check that out. We thank you guys so much for continuing to support us and we appreciate it. And if you can't do it, it's okay. I completely understand. But please do it. Joe holds a gun to my head when you're not here and the cameras aren't on. Also, if you're coming to any of the Europe shows, we're doing shows in Scotland, London, Dublin. If you're coming to any of those shows, make sure you check out thebaseofnewyard.com submit a part of the Base of New York experience. Shows that we've incorporated into each of the shows is that we'd like to talk to you guys, with you guys, about you guys. And we ask you fill out a little questionnaire, include some funny stories, something scandalous. You know, we've had several people tell us about their significant other cheating on them with their parents. It's crazy. So go check it [e-mail]. submit, tell us what show you're coming to, fill out the questionnaire and then you never know, maybe we'll talk to you about you. We're not sure. So thank you again, we appreciate it and we'll see you in Europe.

[Joey]

I love the to you about you. From you to you.

[Frank]

Well, I'm a very.

[Joey]

Name of the father and the son, obviously, so.

[Frank]

Okay, so here is the price list that Dr. Dan was so kind to provide us with. So we're gonna go from the top down, baby. Top down. Price list. Starting off clear cut. Okay. Plain insertion.

[Joey]

Plain. No pepperoni.

[Frank]

No pepperoni.

[Joey]

No sausage.

[Frank]

Well, maybe sausage. Sausage.

[Joey]

Just sausage.

[Frank]

Well, there's. Well, $20. $20 now with caresses.

[Joey]

27.

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

$7 for caresses. What are we talking about, by the way?

[Frank]

Well, caresses we figured out is back of the hand. Yeah, back of the hand. So like this, because a caress adds a level of intimacy I don't know.

[Joey]

That I've ever caressed.

[Frank]

So what Dr. Dan is clearly doing here, obviously is establishing as a businessman that he is. No nonsense, right?

[Joey]

20 bucks.

[Frank]

20 bucks for just the base insertion.

[Joey]

Is there tax?

[Frank]

You know, that's a great question. I imagine that Dr. Dan does not report any of his income from this.

[Joey]

I don't think so. I don't think he has an LLC.

[Frank]

So $20 for a flat and, you know, insertion with caress. 27. And just for shits and giggles, can you let us know in 1960 what 20 or $27 would be in 20, 25 inflation.

[Ant]

Insertion with caresses. $27 would be $289.70.

[Frank]

So base pay?

[Joey]

290, basically. Also to get caressed and fragged.

[Frank]

Now you're a businessman.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

A lot of people respect you, myself included, as a businessman. Do you think he's missing out here in any way? Because he's clearly establishing flat rate for plain insertion. Do you think he should charge per percentage of insertion?

[Joey]

What does that mean?

[Frank]

Just the tip? Oh, tiff in part. 40%, 50%.

[Joey]

Does anyone really do just the tip?

[Frank]

I don't know.

[Joey]

I don't think that's a. I mean.

[Frank]

Listen, there are people out there that Dress up like Spongebob and scream @ each other during sex. I'm sure people do that.

[Joey]

Yeah, but they don't go just the tip. They put the whole fucking Krabby Patty in there.

[Frank]

You know, listen, if Nickelodeon didn't have bigger fish to fry, they would have come here and shut that down. Probably. But I mean potentially as a businessman. $289 for just a plane in search.

[Joey]

It's plain now.

[Frank]

It's not a bad starting point now. Okay, the next line makes me think that. That this is just flat out missionary. Inverted positions.

[Joey]

What is an inverted position?

[Frank]

I would imagine anything other than.

[Joey]

So inverted sounds inside out. Dr. You know what I'm saying?

[Frank]

You're kind of not wrong.

[Joey]

Like a 69 is inverted.

[Frank]

I think inverted is just like in this sense that Dr. Dan is defining it dark different. So if I was a businessman here, which I'm not, okay. I would say, well, Dr. Dan, you need to explain what your base position is. Define that. Because does the legal. There's. There's certain legal things here that is not lining up.

[Joey]

Inverted positions. So is this. I guess I assume this is on top of what.

[Frank]

Yeah, because the next line says dog fashion.

[Joey]

Right. And that's 22.50 as well with included barking, yelping, barking and yelping. Yelping is funny.

[Frank]

Well, yike.

[Joey]

That's what I picture a yelp with. Barking and yelping is 25 bucks. Just doggy style. 2250. Not bad. Barking and yelping being $2 and 50 cents seems fair to me. I mean, put in $2.50, what would that be?

[Frank]

So an extra $2.50. 2,050 cents.

[Joey]

20. Whoa. 250 in 19. What was this 1960 we're doing?

[Frank]

We're saying 1960.

[Joey]

So 1960 would be $26. Now I'm not throwing that in.

[Frank]

I'm not barking for $26. Barking and yell. Well, I imagine so. He's doing the barking and yelping.

[Joey]

Womb stretch.

[Frank]

39, 25. You're jumping ahead here, Joey. Jumping ahead.

[Joey]

What's a whoop stretch is this that.

[Frank]

You'Re going like this? I mean, bro, what's 3925? Put that in. That's gotta be 300 bucks.

[Joey]

What is it?

[Ant]

25. Here we go.

[Joey]

$421 to get your womb stretched.

[Frank]

Honestly, what is a womb stretch? That sounds like it's medicinal. Maybe Dr. Jan does have some knowledge.

[Joey]

That sounds like a birth a.

[Frank]

Maybe he's like a part time obstetrician.

[Joey]

Is that a doctor name?

[Frank]

That's what the OB and OB GYN stands for.

[Joey]

Brother fire. That. You know that barking and yelping right now sounds so not worth it when you consider you. If you just level up a little bit, you can get.

[Frank]

I Mean, listen, if you're into. If you already got $27 for caressing. Yeah, you might as well, bro.

[Joey]

You might as well.

[Frank]

You might as well throw barking in there. If you're into Stretch.

[Joey]

Oh, that's you. Caress.

[Frank]

Caressing. Yeah. Okay, I got you the caress and the bark.

[Joey]

I'm understanding.

[Frank]

Can you give me your best bark? No, no.

[Joey]

What kind of dog?

[Frank]

Well, so he specifies barking and yelping. So I imagine barking is a larger dog.

[Joey]

And then yelping's like. So he's doing both. There's two dogs. Now I understand why it's 250.

[Frank]

Were you at it?

[Joey]

You like a little teacup Yorkie? Holy shit. That was incredible.

[Frank]

Yeah, so that was really good. I can see why the yelping. There's people that work right behind that wall, by the way, that are confused. Yep. Okay.

[Joey]

Womb stretch, though. 420.

[Frank]

What is a womb stretch? Because that. Honestly, like, you just.

[Joey]

You gotta. You want to stretch it so you're.

[Frank]

But it sounds like more, like I said, medicinal.

[Joey]

Maybe that's fisting. Because that'll stretch it.

[Frank]

That will stretch it to. You can't.

[Joey]

Of course it will. Everyone knows that.

[Frank]

All right, we got to move on from the womb stretch. Wait, $50 for tongue bath?

[Joey]

A tongue bath? 50 bucks? I mean, I'd rather be stretched in my womb.

[Frank]

Joey, at the time, there were not. What is a tongue bath, by the way? I imagine that's Cunningus.

[Joey]

Well, no, because the next is muff dive.

[Frank]

That. What is the difference between. All right.

[Joey]

Oh, muff dive is if you have hair.

[Frank]

So, I mean, so then by appointment, you need to hope that this guy is a beard, because muff dive might not be always available.

[Joey]

Muff. I think it's pubes, maybe.

[Frank]

Yeah, maybe he charges. Like, if you are.

[Joey]

If you got a lot of pubes.

[Frank]

If you have a lot, I need.

[Joey]

50 extra dollars, because a regular tongue bath is 50 bucks. A muff dive is a hundred. This guy seems misogynistic to me. Why can't women have a.

[Frank]

Well, we. At the time. $536. Hey, man. Well, at the time, men, like, women would be like, I'm not feeling great because I've been home all week with the kids. And he's like, you're crazy. I'm gonna get you a lobotomy. So clearly, men had no sense of being a gentleman.

[Joey]

Yeah, have a cigarette about it.

[Frank]

Yeah, exactly. You're pregnant. Here, just smoke this. You'll feel great.

[Joey]

Rate $100. Put that in. How much is $100? With. With.

[Frank]

I mean, we could do the simple math. It's a thousand. Yeah, it's a fifty. Was seven. Yeah, bro.

[Joey]

A muff dive for a thousand dollars. Dr. Dan may be a little out of the price range of a normal purse.

[Frank]

Well, I mean, that's a lot. Clearly, this gentleman was one of a kind. I mean, have we seen other or heard of any other doctors? Giving, by the way, also giving out card. This was like the card, the sesame drinks card that we knew when we were. Maybe that's what Dr. Dan into. He stopped pleasuring lonely widows and he started selling alcoholic drinks.

[Joey]

Yo. This is also kind of crazy right now, because there is a womb stretch on this thing, but on the front of the card, it says, being gentle with virgins. I don't know how gently you can.

[Frank]

Can you do me a favor? Urban Dictionary tongue bath. Just so we're on the same page.

[Joey]

What do you think it is? Like, what do you think?

[Frank]

I just think it's. I think it's. It's just getting out. Cunnilingus. Oh.

[Joey]

Maybe a tongue bath is just like soaking, but tongue. You know what I'm saying? Like, just taking a bath, just chilling out.

[Frank]

Tongue bath. The art of licking the entire body of your partner. A literal. Like, you're a dog. Oh, so it's literally he's licking her whole body. He's doubling down on the barking and yelping. And now he's like, I'm just. We're a dog as it is.

[Joey]

And now I understand why. It's 50 bucks. That's a big job to lick a whole body.

[Frank]

Oh, my God. And that could be a disgusting job. Have you ever licked your hand or arm? That could be gross.

[Joey]

I've watched you lick your hand a lot.

[Frank]

Yeah, my hands are a little dry right now. I haven't moisturized yet.

[Joey]

I lick them like a cat.

[Frank]

But basically, that's what he's doing. So then just do me a favor. Confirm what a muff dive is on Urban Dictionary. Just so we're all on the same page, so we know what we're paying for. Honestly, $50 for a tongue bath? Might be lowballing it.

[Joey]

I don't know.

[Ant]

It's. It's what it sounds like.

[Joey]

Performing all sex on female. Exactly, Exactly.

[Frank]

So we figured that.

[Joey]

Okay.

[Frank]

All right, so time limits per hour. 37.

[Joey]

50 on top of all this.

[Frank]

So, yeah. So if you're doing an hour of plane insertion, that's running you 5750. Now you're getting into, I imagine, a tongue bath. Comes with a minimum amount of time. You know, like union rules. It's like if you have them come in for even 20 minutes, they need a minimum of four hours of pain.

[Joey]

And like, they're gonna take a break in the middle of that.

[Frank]

Yes. They need their union mandated breaks depending on the amount of time before they go into compliance. You don't want to get into HR issues here, which clearly Dr. Dan is worried about.

[Joey]

OSHA certified also all night being 12 hours, bro. Whose night is 12 hours? That's bananas.

[Frank]

The world's night is 12 hours, brother.

[Joey]

Nah, night is not 12 hours.

[Frank]

Standard night is 12 hours.

[Joey]

No, it's not. We have evening think.

[Frank]

I think at the time, Joey, it.

[Joey]

Was only day and night. This is bullshit.

[Frank]

I mean, that sounds about right. All night, 12 hours, 150 flat rate hold. All right, so as Joey is clearly skipping ahead here into the bottom portion of this. We have the sides, we have the entree, the shareables. The shareables. So extra attention. The first one there, for $1.15, you could do titty chewing, which.

[Joey]

What is that?

[Frank]

I don't know.

[Joey]

We know what it is.

[Frank]

I don't know.

[Joey]

What? That you want me to chew on those tits.

[Frank]

I mean, a titty chewing sounds like there's more teeth involved than normal.

[Joey]

Yeah, I mean, I think that like. Yeah. What is this?

[Frank]

Dude, you know that like John D. Rockefeller's the neglected wife is just like, give me the everything on the menu.

[Joey]

Chew on my two of everything. Yeah. Titty chewing. Chew on my tits for A$15.

[Frank]

Some people, you know, there have been claims that people get off just from titty play.

[Joey]

Yeah, there are no. There's no claims. There's scientific. There's a small percentage of. Of women who can orgasm just through titty play. I don't know that from experience. Relax. I just.

[Frank]

He's never. He's never from any experience.

[Joey]

I'm a virgin who needs gentle Dr. Dam. But titty chewing, $1.50. French kissing, I love that he specified mouth $2.75 steal.

[Frank]

And then underneath in it says pussy. See muffins and see muff dives.

[Joey]

See muff dive.

[Frank]

See muff. And the eye is upside down.

[Joey]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Ant]

I think the French kissing is for the mouth, this price. But if they want it somewhere else, they need to refer to muff dive.

[Joey]

Got it. Oh, see?

[Frank]

Genius. Aunt. Clearly aunt.

[Joey]

Yeah, good for you.

[Frank]

You know any grandparents named Dan?

[Joey]

Yeah, a French tickler taking over the family business. There's a French tickler. Involved. 325.

[Frank]

French tickler. What is that?

[Joey]

Urban Dictionary. We got it. We gotta find out what that is.

[Frank]

French tickler. I imagine.

[Joey]

I imagine it's something like. Yeah, but on a butt. I think it's something with a butt. A French tickling. Eating a butt.

[Frank]

A tickler. A sexual device in the form of a condom containing a massaging accessory at the tip. 1960.

[Joey]

Wow.

[Frank]

This guy. What was the Nikola. Nikola Tesla of sex.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Used for a massaging. Why is it specified. Used by those who play guitar and suck toes. To do both. Incredibly. What does the play guitar have to do?

[Ant]

I couldn't tell you.

[Frank]

All right, all right. Okay.

[Joey]

Then we have a finger diddle, which we know what that is.

[Frank]

We figured out what the finger diddle is. Vaseline, if needed. Flat rate. 120.

[Joey]

Makes sense.

[Frank]

Of course, there are some people that require that 125 A. $13.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Well, no, I mean a bottle, dude.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Whoa. And this is when it was made from, like, legit, like, petroleum. Like you were basically getting, like, gasoline rubbed on your shit.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

This is crazy. Is there a number on the front?

[Joey]

No, I checked for that.

[Frank]

Okay. God damn.

[Joey]

See, here's the thing, too. They have this, but it's kind of mysterious because you have no way of getting in contact.

[Frank]

Is it? I imagine there's gotta be.

[Joey]

You just gotta run into the doctor again.

[Ant]

Did they have phones in the 60s?

[Joey]

Yeah, dude.

[Frank]

What do you mean, did they have phones? Have you never seen anything from that time?

[Joey]

This phone's probably from the 60s.

[Frank]

That's more like the 70s. I know my phones.

[Joey]

I know my phones.

[Frank]

I would say that's probably from the 70s. Could you imagine just being like, pick that up and call in Dr. Dan on a rotary phone.

[Joey]

Imagine the other one where it's like you have two. Two pieces and you're like, hello, Dr. Dan. Come chew on my tits. Titty chewing's bananas.

[Frank]

Chewing is pretty.

[Joey]

Yeah. That's cool, though. I like that.

[Frank]

I hope. Wherever Dr. Dan is, I imagine he's dead just like the rest of everyone at that time.

[Joey]

Yeah, he probably is crazy. You don't make it out crazy. He's not living a long life, bro.

[Frank]

If I, like, seriously, if I had grandparents that, like, loved each other, I saw this, I'm like, what the fuck? This would ruin my.

[Joey]

Because you know how like this would ruin your life. You'd be so upset by this for some reason.

[Frank]

Well, no, if it was just like, farting my grave. It was like a. Like an old timey Gramophone recording of my grandmother farting. I'd be pissed.

[Joey]

It's a giant gramophone, and he's like. Plays it, Grandma, I told you.

[Frank]

When my grandmother died, we found, like, saucy letters that her and my grandfather sent back and forth to each other.

[Joey]

Oh, like, I can't wait to see your ankles.

[Frank]

Yeah, basically. Yeah. Because my grandfather was in the Korean War, and they, like, wrote messages back and forth, like postcards.

[Joey]

Damn.

[Frank]

And it was just like. One of them was just like, I can't wait to hold you in my bosom. And like, that was. That was.

[Joey]

That's basically titty.

[Frank]

That was sex. Yeah, that was sexting.

[Joey]

At the time, I never found anything of my dead grandparents anything horny. Honestly.

[Frank]

I mean, I. You know, sex is a part of life. So, like, you do have to imagine that, like, your grandparents were doing it. Crazy.

[Joey]

You know, My grandpa on my mom's side was dead before I was born.

[Frank]

That's right. Yeah.

[Joey]

So I don't know how much sex she was having.

[Frank]

Yeah. I mean, there. I think there was also a type of woman that was just like, I've lost my life partner and I'm just gonna be celibate for the rest of my life.

[Joey]

She was very Irish and, like, traditional.

[Frank]

Like, Irish Catholic.

[Joey]

Yeah, Irish Catholic. She was like, God's watching. And now my husband's watching.

[Frank]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The vents didn't get cleaned out.

[Joey]

Yeah. No. Well, I don't think that we should say it like that.

[Frank]

I mean, my grandparents, too. Although I will say one of my grandparents. Actually, one of my. Both my grandfathers are kind of dogs.

[Joey]

In what way?

[Frank]

Not like, in, like, the dawg way. Like, they both had affairs and left their wives.

[Joey]

Oh, okay.

[Frank]

And then went and had children with the other woman.

[Joey]

Right. Really interested in sex.

[Frank]

Yeah. And then, like, one of them. I'm not gonna say who. I'll narrow it down to two.

[Joey]

We're not. I can't even follow your family.

[Frank]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly, me neither.

[Joey]

Because they mix. Because some of the branches go into the other branches, that's why.

[Frank]

Oh, you're confused.

[Joey]

His uncle, like.

[Frank]

No, no, no, no. There are two cousins that are distant cousins. Like third cousins that distant, meaning they.

[Joey]

Live 10 miles from each other. Go ahead.

[Frank]

They. They. They are now married.

[Joey]

That'll do something to the root of the tree.

[Frank]

Yeah. And they have a kid who's. His eyes are in his mouth.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

No, I'm kidding. I don't even know if they were able to have kids. God bless. But no, no, no.

[Joey]

That's a good place to start some ads, I think.

[Frank]

Oh, I was gonna tell you about my.

[Joey]

Who's your uncle?

[Frank]

No, it's not my. One of my grandfathers had an affair and then like would like was with the new woman and would fly the other woman like his original wife, the OG to come spend weekends with him in the house. Yeah.

[Joey]

With his new wife. Yeah.

[Frank]

Crazy stuff, Baller. That's crazy that you're just appropriating like the way that like people did that.

[Joey]

I mean, you told that story with a smile on your face. I feel like I'm the one. Only one who should get credit.

[Frank]

Look at this, look at this, look at this smile. There's no smile.

[Ant]

Sorry.

[Joey]

Watch it.

[Frank]

You're happy. You're happy. Any of your grandparents cheat on each other?

[Ant]

Probably.

[Frank]

Probably. Maybe they were all. Let me guess, they were all happy.

[Joey]

Are they?

[Ant]

I got a pair.

[Frank]

You still got a pair left.

[Joey]

Wait, both of them or like one and one?

[Frank]

No, like, hold on. Read the ads. I'm gonna ask you about your old ass grandparents.

[Ant]

One of the. What pair's dead?

[Joey]

Okay. All right, cool. Why are we laughing at that?

[Ant]

Yeah, crazy.

[Joey]

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[Frank]

There is a lot of bangs, and none of them are from Dr. Dan.

[Joey]

I'm sure there's tons from Dr. Dan.

[Frank]

So you got. You got a pair left.

[Ant]

I got a pair.

[Frank]

Good for you, man. Are they like, how old are they? In their 70s or 80s?

[Ant]

70S.

[Frank]

Wow. So they're young, what, mid?

[Ant]

Late 70s?

[Frank]

Okay. I mean, still kind of relatively. I guess not everyone back then, they were having kids. They were like, you're 20 now. Time to have a child.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Crazy. You like them? Yeah. What do you call them? Something white like.

[Joey]

Oh, my God. Do you have those names?

[Frank]

Ping pong and a game goof.

[Ant]

It's my Italian side, so it's Nono and Nana.

[Frank]

Oh, okay.

[Joey]

That's not too bad.

[Frank]

Yeah, I like that.

[Joey]

Did you. Abuela.

[Frank]

Abuelita. Abuelito. Yeah. And then Yaya and Papu. His accent is so fake. No, that's why we say Yay. I mean, yaya, you were there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah. You can't not say that. But Papua.

[Joey]

I never met Papu.

[Frank]

Yeah, he was you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We used to see him. He looked.

[Joey]

When did he croak?

[Frank]

The same year as my grandmother. As his ex wife.

[Joey]

Damn.

[Frank]

So he came to the wake and he was just like. He showed up.

[Joey]

He came to the wake and died that year?

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

Damn, bro, all people die because of broken hearts.

[Frank]

It's kind of, I mean. No, I don't think he had a broken heart. I think he was like super cool.

[Joey]

He was super cool with it. I mean he showed up, bro. Probably broke his fucking heart.

[Frank]

That was. Honestly, bro, if I showed you a picture of this man, you'd say get the fuck out of here.

[Joey]

Why?

[Frank]

Because there's the Greekest looking man on the planet. The Greek is looking, man. I'll show you. I'm not gonna go.

[Joey]

Picturing cigarettes.

[Frank]

Hell yeah.

[Joey]

And gold chains.

[Frank]

Mmm. I don't remember. Gold chains.

[Joey]

Hairy chests.

[Frank]

Hell yeah. Yeah. The mustache, dude, you couldn't believe it. I, I fuck. I really want to show you my beater.

[Joey]

Sitting down outside of a cafe. I'm.

[Frank]

This guy, he was it. So he, he had several restaurants. He was like a cook. Wow. And that's, you know, guy was something. But yeah, he came to my grandmother's and he would always, he'd scare me when we were kids, he'd pop his teeth out. He had dentures. He'd look at me and he'd go. And he'd drop his teeth out of his mouth and scare the out of me. He's a good guy.

[Joey]

Damn. That's crazy. Yeah, he's a good guy. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about this thing. Apparently there was a wait before I even get to that, which maybe, probably at this point we will never get to, but I wanted to ask you this question that I thought of yesterday and I was like, would you drink a full. Let me just pull it over here. Would you drink a full 16 ounce cup?

[Frank]

Right. So a draft beer, a point of.

[Joey]

A random person's piss. Right. If it meant you could be granted one wish. Can't be money and you can't throw up. You can't throw up or else it doesn't count.

[Frank]

Yeah. You think you can do that? I start gagging right now and you'll throw up.

[Joey]

I'll be alright if you get the.

[Frank]

Fuck out of here.

[Joey]

16 ounce glass of a random person's piss. You have to get the whole thing Down. You can't throw up.

[Frank]

Is there a time limit?

[Joey]

On what?

[Frank]

How long it takes me to drink this piss?

[Joey]

No, but why would you want to stretch it out?

[Frank]

I mean, if I only take a little bit and I stretch it out to, you know, like two, three days.

[Joey]

Oh, no way. I think you just chug it as.

[Frank]

Fast as chug piss.

[Joey]

Yeah. If anything, you get one wish and it can't be money.

[Frank]

So then what could the wish be?

[Joey]

There's other things in the world besides money. You pig.

[Frank]

Crazy with the pig. What are you crazy?

[Joey]

What would you wish for?

[Frank]

Am I. Can we. I have some. I have some questions. Go. Is the piss diseased?

[Joey]

So that's the thing. It's a random person's piss.

[Frank]

If it is disease, is it disease? If it's disease, is it dirty piss?

[Joey]

Here's the thing.

[Frank]

If it's.

[Joey]

It's yellow, it ain't some clear, you know?

[Frank]

Okay, So I can't even. I can't. I'll know it's piss. Like, it's not like there's no doubt about it.

[Joey]

Is.

[Frank]

So piss is p. Carbonated. Shouldn't be. No, I've seen some bubbles in my pee.

[Ant]

Damn it.

[Joey]

He's going to the computer. Pee is not carbonated. Are we okay, guys? Do we even know what that means?

[Ant]

It's in there.

[Frank]

It can't be because you're in carbonate. I've always seemed so bubbly.

[Joey]

I think it's just like if you. If you smash water.

[Frank]

Well, that's Quora. We don't know how accurate Quora is. Let's go to that one. Northwestern Medicine.

[Joey]

This is foamy urine. Oh, my God. If we're gonna find out, we're gonna find out.

[Frank]

I'm sick.

[Joey]

Frank's gonna find out.

[Frank]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Joey]

An std. What causes foamy urine? Your kidneys?

[Ant]

No, I think it just creates bubbles when it goes into the water.

[Joey]

I also think that too.

[Frank]

Yeah. All right. I mean, I mean, why the bottles in there.

[Joey]

Bubbles in there from sea to shining. Oh, they don't say foamy in that song.

[Frank]

But from. So is it a diseased piss?

[Joey]

So you don't know. But if it is a diseased piss, I don't even know if. I mean, I'm sure you can get sick from drinking piss. Probably. But, like, if you drink the piss, it's not like you're impervious to the sickness. The only thing is you won't, like, have some long lasting thing that happens.

[Frank]

So if it's diseased, it might be Something that's easily curable, whether it be that day or.

[Joey]

But you'll feel the effects of the piss.

[Frank]

Well, yeah, I mean, it's. Piss rarely poses a health risk.

[Joey]

Okay, so there you go.

[Frank]

I mean, of course there's, you know, STDs and stuff in there that I would not want.

[Joey]

Can you get STDs from drinking piss?

[Frank]

I believe so.

[Joey]

This is all encompassing.

[Frank]

I don't think you can, bro. It's like, bodily fluids contained in urine.

[Joey]

Rarely poses a health risk.

[Frank]

Yeah, but bodily fluids. These bodily fluids do not spread hp. Hbv, Saliva, tears, sweat, or pee. Interesting.

[Joey]

Okay, there you go.

[Frank]

Would you do it? Ant has a question. Ant, can I chill it? Great question. Can I mix it with anything or. It's gotta be straight pee.

[Joey]

No, no, no, no.

[Frank]

All right.

[Joey]

You could chill it, but you can't put ice cubes in it.

[Frank]

Well, then how are you chilling it? You just letting it sit in the fridge for.

[Joey]

Yes, answer your own question. Very easily.

[Frank]

Pour it over a couple dash of bitters. Can I make it into something else?

[Joey]

No, you have to taste the piss full on.

[Frank]

I mean, I'll taste the piss.

[Joey]

Yeah. No, you're gonna have to full piss it. Because if I put it in, like an alcoholic drink, like a pina colada.

[Frank]

That would be a good PP I ever drank. Yeah, you drank more piss.

[Joey]

You can put.

[Frank]

What? You've drank more piss.

[Joey]

No, no, no, but it would be the easiest one I ever drink. But if you put it in the freezer, you would just have to let it sit there. And you could, like chill it in that way, but you can't put ice cubes in it. So straight piss.

[Ant]

I'll do it then.

[Joey]

But what would you wish for?

[Ant]

Teleportation.

[Joey]

Why did you do this? Like, it didn't matter what the wish for. Like, the whole reason.

[Frank]

What am I going to. So really, you can't see him, obviously, but Joey goes, what are you going to wish for? He goes, teleportation. Like, obviously, idiot. Like what? What else would I wish for?

[Joey]

I didn't know that it was obvious. I thought it was just like, whatever. Teleportation. Like, I'm not even gonna think of that.

[Frank]

I would wish. You know what I would wish for? I would do it. Yes, because whatever, brother, Piss. Me and piss are like this at this point.

[Joey]

It was a random piss.

[Frank]

All right?

[Joey]

It's not your piss.

[Frank]

I mean, if there's nothing about the piss that's gonna be like, it's gonna. And you also said, don't throw up. I'm taking the chance there's a good shot I'm gonna throw up.

[Joey]

And you, you would spread it out over a course of days, just two.

[Frank]

Days, a little sip of piss, you know.

[Joey]

But I feel like that would just make the whole experience much worse. Like I'm continuously going back.

[Frank]

All right, so maybe I'll try to chunk it. I don't know. In this hypothetical, I'm sorry, I haven't figured out can't hold your nose either.

[Joey]

Can't hold your nose.

[Frank]

That doesn't work for me. People that do that, where they're like. And they take a shot, still take.

[Joey]

You do that?

[Frank]

No, no, I. Yeah, you do.

[Ant]

I don't think.

[Frank]

Yeah, you do.

[Joey]

I thought he does.

[Frank]

I'm just gonna. I'm backing you up here. Thanks. Yeah, I mean, I'm. I'm. I'm taking the chance. And then I'm wishing for, like, Tony Stark level intellect. I'm talking like this. The brains to be able to do anything and figure out anything.

[Ant]

I want to make it clear. So not world peace, not wishing for.

[Frank]

I can make wake it. Hold on, hold on.

[Joey]

I can teleportation.

[Frank]

Yeah. What do you mean? So you're not taking world peace, Mr. I could fucking snap of a finger. You're good. You'd be jumper. That's what you want to be. The 2006 movie, Jumper.

[Joey]

He just wants to be able to get back and forth from Epcot. He's like, I could get to Disney like this.

[Frank]

Yeah. I'm saying yeah. Because I. With that intellect, I could solve world peace, you know, Tony Stark wasn't able to, but I could.

[Joey]

I don't think no one's smart enough to come with world peace. I just don't think the rest of the world is willing.

[Frank]

That's true. That is true. But I would be willing. I'd be smart enough that I'd be able to make them willing, you know, with my Iron man armor.

[Joey]

Is your wish that you'd be Iron Man?

[Frank]

No, no, but just like Bruce Wayne level intellect. Because with that intellect, he picked two.

[Joey]

Billionaires, by the way.

[Frank]

Well, Bruce Wayne is not just a by the way. He's known to having a genius level intellect. It's not like I'm picking like Elon Musk, who very well could be a dummy, you know, I'm saying you did.

[Joey]

Pick two billionaires, though.

[Frank]

Okay, but. All right, Charles Xavier, intellectual. Is that just mind reading? Well, he's also very smart.

[Joey]

I don't know.

[Frank]

Before that.

[Joey]

He's A professor.

[Frank]

He's a professor. There's. There's so many. Sorry. That all the smart people I can realize. Stephen Hawking, you know. Yeah. Very smart.

[Joey]

Very smart.

[Frank]

You know, But I'm just saying.

[Joey]

Yeah, yeah, but you say, like, you would want to be as smart as.

[Frank]

You, the smartest to ever exist. That, like, there's nothing out of my intellectual reach.

[Joey]

Okay. Drinking piss to get there.

[Frank]

Yeah, whatever. I mean, listen, man, now that's life. You can't make an omelette without cracking a couple eggs. Can't be smart without drinking a couple cups of piss.

[Joey]

Yeah. Can you.

[Frank]

But.

[Joey]

Okay, same thing.

[Frank]

Wait, what are you wishing for?

[Joey]

What did I say? I said that I would wish for. I would never get sick.

[Frank]

Patek Fully perpetual calendar.

[Joey]

No, I would get. I would never get sick. That would be.

[Frank]

That would be a good one. But I would be smart enough to figure out that I'd never. Like. I can never get sick.

[Joey]

I don't think that you.

[Frank]

The brain. I can cure the common cold.

[Joey]

What do you think you. Just because you're smart, bacteria dies?

[Frank]

Well, no. If my brain knows no bounds, then I would be able to solve all of the world's problems. Hunger, war.

[Joey]

I mean, you don't have to be a genius.

[Frank]

Sickness.

[Joey]

Frank. You don't have to be a genius. Like I said, you can figure out how to do world peace, but people have to be willing.

[Frank]

Yeah, but I would be. But that's the other part of it, is that you need to be smart enough to understand how they're going to be willing. So I'd be smart enough to do it all.

[Joey]

No.

[Frank]

Yes.

[Joey]

This kid is such a. I'm so smart that I can convince people and manipulate the world. And I run the world.

[Frank]

I'm. Well, now you use the M word. I never said manipulate. I just said that I'd be smart enough to figure it out. Right? Yep. What will you wish for? Oh, you said never get sick.

[Joey]

I could never get sick. Like, I just know that, like, I'll just always be healthy, no matter what.

[Frank]

But does that mean that you'll live forever? No, because technically, dying of natural causes is as a result of sickness.

[Joey]

Yeah, so, like, I also thought about that, too. I mean, obviously I'm still like, I get hit by a bus. Like that could happen.

[Frank]

That sucks.

[Joey]

It does suck. But that could. That's a really.

[Frank]

So why not. So why not wish you could hit.

[Joey]

By a bus too, Genius.

[Frank]

No, because I would be smart enough to not get.

[Joey]

To get out of the way.

[Frank]

I'd be Smart enough to not. I'd understand the probability of a bus hitting me that day. And I would remove myself from that opportunity.

[Joey]

Yo, you doing this. As the smartest person in the world, I would kill you with a gun.

[Frank]

But I would know that you'd be pissed. And I wouldn't see the gun killing coming.

[Joey]

Did you see all the 30 hitmen I hired? The assassins?

[Frank]

I knew that I would. You know, like Ozymandias? Another. Again, a billionaire. You don't know who that is?

[Joey]

I don't know, but Ozamandius and the Watchman. Oh, okay, yeah, okay. But now same thing. And it can be money.

[Frank]

Okay. Human shit. Log of poop. One log.

[Joey]

Yeah, but like the master log.

[Frank]

I didn't know you had different rankings for crap.

[Joey]

But you know what I mean?

[Frank]

Just. Alright, so a good, like just. I mean, that's too big. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but just a log of solid.

[Joey]

Shit this large and it's a random person, bro.

[Frank]

And I can't do anything to this log of shit.

[Joey]

You could use a fork and knife.

[Frank]

Can I throw up? Because that is gonna make me throw up. That's gonna make me throw up.

[Joey]

Yes, you can throw up.

[Frank]

Yeah. So then I'm taking the shot, baby.

[Joey]

You're taking the shot?

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

And you're definitely getting sick. I mean, you're eating.

[Frank]

Well, actually, no, I'm not. And I'll tell you why. Because with the cup of piss, I have the genius into.

[Joey]

These are different.

[Frank]

Figure out how to become the smartest man. A richest man alive.

[Joey]

No, this is the. This is the. What does it have to do with eating the shit?

[Frank]

I won't have to eat the shit and wish for money because I already have the intellect to figure out how to be the richest person on the planet.

[Joey]

Right?

[Frank]

And that doesn't even mean that I would use my intellect for that.

[Joey]

Maybe he's like, if I'm smart, then I can invent. And now I'm back to the billionaire.

[Frank]

I'm.

[Joey]

Yeah, I mean, Blake, obviously, different worlds. You're. Are you. Would you eat the.

[Frank]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Joey]

You know how much money I would pay to watch you even sit in front of a plate of human? Me?

[Frank]

Yeah. Why him? Why he would gag.

[Joey]

Maybe uncontrollable. You may suffocate from gay. Can I chill it? What is this?

[Frank]

Can I chill it? Honestly, I feel like it'd be better hot.

[Joey]

No, Hot and ready like Little Caesars.

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

No, I don't know about.

[Frank]

Oh God, I'm gonna fucking Throw up.

[Joey]

Can I chill? It is such a funny question. Why you want it to be like sausage?

[Frank]

I'm gonna get them. I'm going to get him once.

[Joey]

You want it to be like sauce.

[Frank]

I can see it happening slowly. I can see his face. He's going to gag.

[Joey]

What is that? Bro, how come you are so this.

[Frank]

The easiest thing in the world? It's crazy.

[Joey]

Why would you want it chilled?

[Ant]

I feel like it'd be nicer.

[Joey]

I feel like it'd be nicer, but, like, you want to be able to cut it like a sausage.

[Ant]

Yeah.

[Joey]

Okay.

[Frank]

Chopsticks.

[Joey]

Oh, like a sush, kind of. Okay.

[Ant]

Shishu.

[Joey]

What about.

[Frank]

Oh, no, I got hiccups now.

[Ant]

You deserve that a little bit.

[Joey]

That's kind of disgusting. For some reason, they have hiccups during this conversation.

[Frank]

Go. Keep going, Keep going. What are you gonna ask next?

[Joey]

What are you doing? Oh, is this. Oh, is this how you're gonna get rid of them? Oh, you do the keep. You've done that a lot on a show. On the show.

[Frank]

Oh, God.

[Joey]

Did it work?

[Frank]

Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah, so far. Wow.

[Joey]

God bless.

[Frank]

Yeah. So, yeah, if it means. If it means a comfortable life for everyone, I know I will gladly eat a lot of human shit.

[Joey]

Six ounces of semen.

[Frank]

Six ounces? What is that, fluid ounces?

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Well, I think there's a difference between fluid ounces and, like, just weight.

[Ant]

Can I pick the person?

[Joey]

No, two shots. Two shot glasses. I meant. Oh, two shot glasses. I don't know.

[Frank]

I can't pick the person.

[Joey]

How would you even go about.

[Frank]

I think that's. Honestly, I think that's where I draw the line.

[Joey]

Semen.

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

Two shot glasses of blood.

[Frank]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll ask for a third.

[Joey]

What's it? Two bloods is crazy.

[Frank]

Not blooded. That's really.

[Joey]

I'm disgusted by it.

[Frank]

Really?

[Joey]

Like. Like, arm. Like blood.

[Frank]

If it's my own blood, I don't care.

[Joey]

It's not your blood. That's the point. It's a random person's blood. The idea of drinking a random person's.

[Frank]

Blood is so disgusting. Let's be very clear. All this is gross and probably got us demonetized while ago. Probs.

[Joey]

But good morning to whoever is watching the show.

[Frank]

Yeah. They drive to work. We're like, it's gonna be a. Gonna.

[Joey]

Give you something to think about for the rest of the day, though, because you are gonna probably ask your friends, like, yo, you drinking this piss?

[Frank]

That's a good question. Yeah, I'm gonna ask yo, the piss.

[Joey]

Thing is probably, like, anyone who says no is a. A idiot and you should kick him out of your lives, like you should.

[Frank]

You should be able to easily drink piss. Means nothing to me.

[Joey]

Bear Grylls was pissing his.

[Frank]

Is drinking his own piss now. Bear Grylls is different, though. I know, but he's a weirdo. I think he. I think there's some stuff about Bear Grylls that is not very nice. Like, he told about the fact that.

[Joey]

His name is Bear Grylls.

[Frank]

Awesome. Definitely can't be his real name, though. Yeah, definitely. Give me. Give us it. Give us that.

[Joey]

Oh, my God. If he has, like, a whack name.

[Frank]

Yeah. If it's like, Roger Stevenson, gonna be so pissed.

[Joey]

Bear Gryll's real name, Edward Michael. His name is Edward Michael. Is anything in this world real?

[Frank]

No, it's not. And honestly, he deserves to drink his own piss.

[Ant]

He was given the nickname at a week old.

[Joey]

His sister gave him the nickname Bear when he was a week old.

[Frank]

So it's not his own. All right, you know what? But he also perpetuates it because, you know, he goes around, he's like, my name's Bear. You know, he does it.

[Joey]

So damn.

[Frank]

He's.

[Joey]

What's his wife's name?

[Frank]

Shauna? Looks like Shara.

[Joey]

What does that say?

[Ant]

Where? Oh, here. Shar Grills.

[Joey]

Shara. Oh, Shara Grill Grills.

[Ant]

Or is that a weird Sarah?

[Frank]

Maybe it could be, because there's a lot of, like, Irish names that are, like. It's spelled and it's like. The name is like, Siobhan. Yeah, it's like.

[Joey]

But it's. It's spelled like Sheboygan or something.

[Frank]

Co B hand.

[Joey]

Yeah. Like, what are we doing here?

[Frank]

Yeah, well, we don't want to offend anyone that speaks Gaelic, so.

[Joey]

Right.

[Frank]

Or anyone that watches this name. Siobhan.

[Joey]

Right.

[Frank]

Or anyone that's watching this name. Saoirse.

[Joey]

What's that?

[Frank]

That's another, like, Gaelic Irish name. Like the actress Saoirse Ronan. It's spelled like S A O I R, S E Soiree. There's a lot of those. There's a lot of those. Like, there are really difficult to pronounce Gaelic names.

[Joey]

I used to tell people I was Gaelic because I just thought Gaelic meant Irish. I didn't know.

[Frank]

Oh, there's no way you were getting. Like. When I heard Gaelic in, like, 2004, I was just like, huh, A gay lick. Yeah.

[Joey]

Ew.

[Frank]

You speak.

[Joey]

What, you're going to gay lick your voice?

[Frank]

Anyway, question.

[Joey]

I think that's where we can end right there. You know what I mean?

[Frank]

With Gaelic, Right? Gotcha. Okay. I mean. All right.

[Joey]

Where can they find you, Frank?

[Frank]

Drinking a cup of piss to become the smartest man in the world?

[Joey]

I wish.

[Frank]

F Alvarez8085 on Twitter. The Frank Alvarez on all other forms of social media. Go check it out. Patreon. Patreon.com the Basementyard. If you're coming to any of the shows in Europe, the basementyard.com submit. Go follow the Basement Yard on everything. Go follow Joe on everything. Go follow Ant on nothing. And then. Yeah, you saw that comment? You did? You saw it?

[Joey]

Yeah, I did saw it.

[Ant]

We calm down.

[Frank]

Go, go, go.

[Joey]

Anyway, guys.

[Frank]

I love how he goes like this. He goes like. Like. Prepare.

[Joey]

Yeah. Anyway, guys, we get.

[Ant]

That one's good. That was good. That was a good one.

[Frank]

One more time.

[Joey]

Yeah, his eyes are going. All right, guys, seriously, this time, we're not gonna. Ew. Don't actually do the thing. This is now just the stupidest show. You've taken it to a new level of dumb.

[Frank]

Well, hey, baby. That guy.

[Joey]

That is all for this week's episode. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time.

[Frank]

Turn off the lights when you leave the basement. Better.