#519 - We Have A Foot Fetish - The Basement Yard

Transcript

Frank (0:02)

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Frank (0:30)

Welcome back to the baby.

Joey (0:36)

Welcome back to the basement yard. What's up, Frank?

Frank (0:40)

You know, being me, chilling, doing what I do, having one. Two, two, two, two, two Fired. And how about you?

Joey (0:48)

You want to. You want to give it a go?

Ant (0:49)

I think I could do anything better than that, so.

Frank (0:52)

Anything better than that. Anything is a stretch. You get what?

Joey (0:59)

And you also don't have ideas.

Ant (1:02)

One of those.

Frank (1:03)

Oh, yeah.

Joey (1:04)

These?

Ant (1:05)

Yeah.

Frank (1:05)

See, I always wish I always. I try to do that.

Joey (1:08)

How well do you think you can dance out of 10?

Frank (1:12)

What style of dance? Now we need just you.

Joey (1:14)

Just you. Just a dance.

Frank (1:15)

Like, just like if someone were to come to me, watch me dance at a wedding and rank me as a dancer.

Joey (1:20)

You know what? I knew you couldn't answer this question. I just knew it in my heart. You as like a whole, like, what you think? Like, how good of a dancer am I?

Summary

The Basement Yard – Episode #519: "We Have A Foot Fetish"

Date: September 8, 2025
Hosts: Joe Santagato, Frank Alvarez, Ant
Studio: Santagato Studios

Episode Overview

This episode of The Basement Yard is classic Basement Yard chaos: an unpredictable blend of confessions, comedic hypotheticals, and heartfelt moments. Joe, Frank, and regular guest Ant trade stories about weddings, dance floor anxiety, and ranking their own skills as party guests. The episode’s title isn’t clickbait—an extended, hilarious foot-licking hypothetical becomes the centerpiece, sparking the kind of riffing only lifelong friends can pull off. Along the way, there are touching moments about growing older, vulnerability at family events, and tangents about AI, Will Smith, and the art of slinging simplistic insults.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Wedding Guest Ratings, Dance Floor Performance, and Social Anxiety

[00:36 – 08:51]

The guys open with a debate on how they'd rate themselves as dancers at weddings.
- Frank: "I think I'm a solid 7.5." (01:27)
- Joey: "I would put myself at a seven, though." (05:00)
- Ant: "I'll take six." (01:33)
Discussion spirals into what makes a great wedding guest—balancing bar time and dance floor time.
Open bar strategies: Frank likes to sample a variety, while Joey is content with sticking to whiskey-soda.
- “If you stick to the same drink all night at an open bar, that’s criminal.” – Frank (02:39)
- “You need at least two different drinks. I’d say at least three on an open bar.” – Frank (02:50)
They share stories about blending in at weddings with diverse music, including Joey miming the Spanish lyrics to “Gasolina” to impress Italian guests.
Dance circles are a source of social anxiety and bravado alike:
- “When a circle forms... Top five most stressful social situations of your entire life.” – Frank (06:58)
- “The only time I will advocate for peer pressure ever is when it involves a dance circle at a wedding…” – Frank (07:50)

2. Dancing at Weddings: The Unwritten Rules

[08:51 – 13:38]

The guys rant about the “novelty” of dance circles and karaoke, and how being too good at either is “a dick move.”
- "If you’re getting in a dance circle and you’re like... legit breakdancing, you can’t." – Frank (08:19)
- “You should always be kind of bad. Because we’re all kind of bad.” – Joey (08:24)
They extend the analogy to karaoke: “If you're really good at singing, you don't go to karaoke and belt one out.” – Joey (08:34)
Tangent: Why are rodeo bull riders called clowns, and how dangerous is rodeo clowning?
- Rodeo clowns make surprisingly decent money: “Estimated annual salaries between 50 and 70k.” – Ant (12:23)
- “If you’re worried about this bull trampling your knees? I'm worried about my heart and lungs and skull.” – Frank (12:46)

3. The Power of Crew & Performing Together

[13:38 – 15:36]

The hosts agree: a strong group boosts your wedding dance-floor score.
- “When you got a good crew… it brings your dancing abilities and your wedding dancing guest skills plus five.” – Joey (14:16)
Past performances together are recounted, including their high-energy rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
- “Our dancing and entertainment skills are so good, we crossed the bounds of questionable sexuality.” – Frank (14:55)

4. Party Accessories: Jackets, Suspenders, and Emotional Transformations

[15:36 – 18:36]

Frank leaves his suit jacket on as a dancing tool; Joey loves the dramatic “Kurt Angle” suspenders move.
- “When I have suspenders, dude, I can’t keep my hands off them.” – Joey (16:08)
Wedding emotions: the guys reflect on crying at weddings and the impact of deeply personal moments.
- “It was like they did a human sacrifice in the middle of the dance.” – Joey (16:55)
- “When you have your first child, don’t even—you are over.” – Frank (24:42)

5. Rabbit Holes, Glory Holes, Donut Holes—Ranking “The Best Holes”

[19:41 – 21:01]

Absurd interlude: The gang riffs on different kinds of “holes” (rabbit, glory, donut, pee, blow, black, worm…).
- “I just have to round out this Mount Rushmore of holes.” – Joey (20:26)
- “Blowhole’s a good… is a good hole. That’s a solid hole.” – Frank (20:36)

6. Viral Family Videos & Future Teary-Eyed Moments

[21:01 – 25:25]

Viral videos of emotional parents naming babies or giving wedding speeches get everyone in their feelings.
- “I went down a rabbit hole... telling people they named the baby after them.” – Joey (21:11)
- “A father giving a speech at his daughter’s wedding, but 20 years prior, he had recorded a video like, ‘I’m going to show this to you on your wedding day.’” – Frank (22:39)
Frank worries about holding it together at his children’s future weddings.

7. THE GREAT FOOT-LICKING HYPOTHETICAL: How Much Would You Do for a Million a Lick?

[31:04 – 49:00] (Major Segment – Core of the Episode)

Ant asks: “For every foot you lick, you get a million dollars. But you can’t tell them why. How much money do you think you could get in a year?” – Ant (31:13)
Relentless strategizing: They debate methods (public pool drive-bys, video shoots, fake businesses, Craigslist, salon schemes), the technicalities (“Is it the bottom of the foot?”), and personal limits.
- “Everyone I know, I am licking their foot.” – Joey (32:24)
- “A million a foot, bro! You’re being a poor businessman right now.” – Frank (41:17)
Philosophical questions: How many is “enough”? Is it worth the social fallout? Does fame help?
- “After 100, what’s another hundred?” – Frank (67:17)
- “My first strange foot that I lick will awaken a monster.” – Joey (39:15)
Physical demonstration: The trio attempts (successfully) licking their own feet live.
- “The easiest money I ever make in my life, dude. Yeah. It’s licking the shit out…” – Joey (45:06)
- “I think a realistic amount that I could get done in a year is whatever 365 times two is. I think I can do two a day.” – Frank (38:34)
They riff on variants: “What if the deal was you had to let people pee on your foot for a million?” – Joey (48:19)
Foot versus pee fetishes, the prevalence of each, and best/worst methods for “collecting” licks—hilariously dissected.

8. Will Smith, AI-Generated Audiences, and Internet Skepticism

[54:31 – 61:10]

Frank brings up a trending controversy: Are crowds at Will Smith’s concerts being AI-generated in promo materials?
- “People are debating online if the audience is generated by AI... the movements of the people, it looks a little AI.” – Frank (54:45)
- They scrutinize video clips, pointing out weird crowd behavior and malformed faces—uncanny valley territory.
- “If I’m his publicist, I’m… this doesn’t look good.” – Frank (62:53)
- The debate veers into how little control celebrities actually have over their promotional material.

9. Quentin Tarantino’s Foot Fetish & Simple Insults

[65:27 – End]

Joey and Frank debate Tarantino’s well-documented foot fetish—specifically his cameo in From Dusk Till Dawn.
They close by praising the comedic value of simple insults (“fatso,” “fat ass,” “swine”), calling back to childhood nicknames and joking about reclaiming old-school terms of endearment/abuse.
- “Fatso is so good because it’s so meant to just be extra disrespectful.” – Frank (69:27)
- “I’m a big fan of jerk. Like, you’re being a fucking jerk.” – Joey (72:38)
- “I love, are you an idiot? Like, now I’m asking you.” – Joey (73:48)

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

On Dance Circles:
“When a circle forms... Top five most stressful social situations of your entire life.” – Frank [06:58]
On Wedding Versatility:
“I like to think I’m perfect.” – Frank [02:09]
On Wedding Drinks:
“If you stick to the same drink all night at an open bar, that’s criminal.” – Frank [02:39]
On Dancing:
“If you’re really good at singing, you don’t go to karaoke and belt one out.” – Joey [08:34]
On the Viral Foot Lick Challenge:
“My first strange foot that I lick will awaken a monster.” – Joey [39:15]
“The easiest money I ever make in my life, dude. Yeah. It’s licking the shit out.” – Joey [45:06]
On Social Media & AI:
“If I’m his publicist, I’m… this doesn’t look good.” – Frank [62:53]
On Simplicity in Insults:
“Fatso is so good because it’s so, like, meant to just be extra disrespectful.” – Frank [69:27]

Timestamps for Key Segments

[00:36] – Return to the podcast and dancing self-ratings
[01:20] – Open bar strategies at weddings
[05:00] – “Gasolina” story and pretending to fit in
[06:58] – The horror of being pushed into the dance circle
[13:38] – Teamwork boosts dance floor confidence
[16:55] – Emotional moments at weddings and crying
[19:41] – Mount Rushmore of “holes” debate
[31:04] – The “lick a foot, win a million” game begins
[39:15] – Joey’s “monster awakens” quote
[45:06] – Actual foot-licking demonstration
[54:31] – Will Smith and suspicious AI concert crowds
[65:27] – Hidden post-credit bits and Tarantino’s foot cameos
[69:27] – Fatso/fat ass as top-tier insults discussion

Recap & Tone

The episode rides a wave from playful and raunchy to surprisingly poignant, perfectly in line with The Basement Yard’s established voice. The core “foot fetish” hypothetical becomes a freewheeling exploration of greed, social taboos, friendship, and the lengths people will go for a payday. Even as things get out of hand (including on-air foot-licking attempts), there’s a grounded affection and camaraderie that keeps the show relatable and real—even when discussing the merits of “swine” as an insult or breaking down the ethics and logistics of making fortunes via foot-licking.

For listeners who missed the episode:
This is classic Basement Yard—equal parts wild, warm, and weird. If you love ridiculous hypotheticals, off-color banter, and the more human side of lifelong friendship, this one’s a must-listen.