#526 - Spooky Season Is Here!

Summary

The Basement Yard #526 - Spooky Season Is Here!

Date: October 27, 2025
Hosts: Joe Santagato, Frank Alvarez
Guest: Ant

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Episode Overview

To celebrate Halloween, Joe, Frank, and Ant dress up in costumes (Voldemort/Cardi B-inspired, chicken, and Leonardo the Ninja Turtle, respectively) and embrace the holiday's silliness. The episode is a mix of wild costume antics, playful banter (especially about their Halloween getups), reflections on past Halloweens, discussions about “bad names,” and a delightfully absurd “scary story” written by Frank for Joe. The trio riff on everything from linguistics to pop culture, cartoon character crushes, and bizarre hypotheticals.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Halloween Costumes & Makeup Mishaps

• [00:37] The crew talks about favorite Halloween memories. This year, Frank’s in a chicken suit, Ant is Leonardo, and Joe's doing an elaborate Voldemort/Cardi B mix.
• [01:08] Ant laments being tricked into coming early just to let makeup artists in—not for his own makeup.
• [01:49] Frank attempts (and fails) to eat popcorn through his chicken mask:

  "Just so everyone's aware, our audio listeners. Frank's in a chicken costume and trying to eat off the desk, and it's not going smoothly." —Joe [01:49]

• [02:24] Discussion about previous years' costumes, like Frank as a lion and Joe as a cat/devil.

2. Nails & Newfound Respect

• [02:52] Joe, wearing long press-on nails, admits new sympathy for women:

  "I think that, like, nails look nice, but they're not practical." —Joe [03:25]

• [04:07] Banter about how people with long nails manage basic tasks:

  "I don't even know how I would wipe my ass." —Joe [03:52]

3. Language Tangents & "Bukkake"

• [04:44] Curiosity spirals as they explore the origins of “bukkake,” only to discover its original (benign) meaning in Japanese for "splashing liquid,” e.g., bukkake udon.
• [06:36]

  "Dude, I went to a restaurant and I saw bukkake on the menu. I'm leaving that restaurant." —Frank [06:36] "Depends on the price." —Ant [06:40]

• [06:53] Joke about bukkake soup and cultural misunderstandings.

4. Chicken Connection and Ridiculous Bits

• [07:20] Frank becomes “one with the chicken”—their banter devolves into absurd wordplay ("spatchcock me,” “bagok,” “gobble me up”).
• [08:02]

  "You want to spatchcock me on the fucking Table. I will fucking. Oh, roast me up." —Frank [08:02]

5. Character Identities, Pronouns, and Pop Culture

• [09:02] Joe’s “character” wavers between witch, ghoul, and “genderless” entities:

  "I'm like ditto from Pokemon, but not...I'm genderless. I'm unisex." —Joe [09:27]

• [09:44] Ant clarifies: he is Leonardo the Ninja Turtle.
• [10:31] Discussion on “domino masks” and what makes a mask “horny” or “slutty.”

6. Costume Discomforts & Childhood Memories

• [11:59] Joe complains his mask smells like “a raw dick. Like a chicken cutlet dick.”
• [12:19] Joe: “You know what it smells like? Wet white people.”
• [13:04] Frank reminisces about their water park days, chest henna tattoos (“fax squared”), and getting sick after visits.

7. Worst Names & Name Debates

• [24:23] Segment on naming abominations: “Rudolph,” “Gertrude,” “Eugene,” “Eustace,” “Todd,” “Franklin” are on the chopping block.
• [26:24]

  “I went my entire life calling him Colin Powell. I thought his name was Colon.” —Joey [26:21]

• [27:51] Dog names are exempt from harsh judgment ("Franklin," "George," “Albert”).

8. Spooky Story by Frank

• Feature segment: Frank’s “scary” story tailored to Joe.
• [37:01] Frank narrates a tale involving Joe in Florida with coffee mishaps, a “level 14 UV index,” no sunscreen, Starbucks nightmares, explosive IBS, cockroaches, financial collapse, and awkward public encounters — lampooning Joe’s pet peeves.
• [41:08]

  “Joe gets back to his place with Charlie, who has spray shit the whole way home. And he finds a room of smiling kids as he opens the door.” —Frank [46:13]

• [48:03]

  “He thinks ordering food will help, but his chicken wings turn into little buffalo flavored penises.” —Frank [48:03]

• Discussion of how genuinely mundane inconveniences are Joe's "real nightmares.”
• [49:10]

  "I wrote down other things that scare you too...having to wait in the general TSA security line." —Frank [49:10]

9. Bathroom Hypotheticals

• [54:06] Ant’s scenario: “A toilet in your house becomes sentient and hates when you poop in it. What do you do?”

• [54:25]

  “You know what you're there for, bitch.” —Frank [54:25]

• Sidetracked into “Human Centipede” logistics:

  “Which one would you rather be—the front, middle, or end?” —Joey [56:03]

10. Cartoon Crushes & 'Hear Me Out' Cake

• [60:16] First celebrity/cartoon character crushes:
  • Christina Ricci, Trish Stratus, Kimberly (Pink Power Ranger), Taylor Swift, Natalie Portman, Avril Lavigne, Shego (Kim Possible), Lola Bunny.
• [65:09]

  “The only one I could think off the top of my head, so we don’t give it away… the dragon from Shrek.” —Frank [65:09]

• Agreement that “Nala” (Lion King), Lola Bunny, and older women (Diane Keaton, Susan Sarandon, Maggie Smith) were formative for some of the crew.

11. Animal Intelligence & 'My Octopus Teacher'

• [73:33] Joey and Frank joke about the viral octopus documentary, speculating the filmmaker was “horny to have sex with it.”

• “Everyone’s like, oh my god, this thing is so… it’s teaching me so much. Yo, his was hard the whole time.” —Frank [73:44]

12. Chicken Observations

• [71:54] Frank delivers a chicken “melody” of Usher’s “Burn.”
• [72:55] Pondering if chickens or pigeons need “CBD” to relax, and waxing on whether chickens are “famously dumb.”

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Notable Quotes & Highlights

• On long nails:

  "I think that, like, nails look nice, but they're not practical. I just. I don't know." —Joe [03:25]

• On the word 'bukkake':

  “I think it translates to just big fun time.” —Joey [04:52]
  “It refers to the act of splashing liquid on something. In this case, broth. Because they also have bukkake udon.” —Ant [06:28]

• On being a chicken:

  “I commit to the fucking bit.” —Frank [17:49]

• On 'bad' names:

  “You can't call him Dolphy, people gonna think his name is Adolph.” —Frank [24:06]

• On celebrity crushes:

  “Jessica Rabbit, though, I was kind of like—I could never handle that…She'll fuckin' kill me.” —Joey [63:52]

• On 'My Octopus Teacher':

  "No one spends that much time with something if they're not trying to have sex with it." —Frank [74:02]

• On masks & discomfort:

  “This smells like a…like a raw dick. Like a chicken cutlet dick.” —Joey [11:59]

• Frank calls himself:

  “Frank the bugocking chicken.” —Frank [16:53]

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Memorable Moments

• Frank’s chicken clucking reaches a running tally (at least 16 “clocks”) by Ant [17:22].
• Frank’s extended “scary story” for Joe, merging all of Joe’s real-life pet peeves and anxieties into a parade of absurdity [37:01–48:24].
• Frank argues that Foghorn Leghorn is “close enough” to a racist cartoon [21:45].
• The group riffs on baby names and how calling someone “colon” instead of “Colin” is a lifetime misconception for Joey [26:21].
• Debate about who could do cartwheels; admission that feats (like kipping up in gym class) are unverifiable “no one was there to see it” claims [18:47].
• The toilets’ hypothetical and Human Centipede discussion.

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Timestamp (MM:SS) | |-----------------------------------------|-------------------| | Costume reveals & mishaps | 01:08–02:25 | | Long nails sympathy bit | 02:52–03:37 | | “Bukkake” definition/euphemisms | 04:44–07:05 | | Chicken banter (“bagok”, “spatchcock”) | 07:20–09:01 | | Names gone wrong (Rudolph, Colin) | 24:22–26:24 | | Frank’s spooky story for Joe | 37:01–48:24 | | Animated character crushes | 60:16–66:03 | | Chickens, pigeons, animal intelligence | 71:54–74:34 | | ‘My Octopus Teacher’ jokes | 73:33–74:34 |

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Tone & Style

• Unfiltered, irreverent, hyper-idiomatic New York storytelling and riffing
• Plenty of affectionate roasting, physical comedy, self-deprecation, and oversharing
• Silliness and absurdity are foregrounded, even during random tangents

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For New Listeners

If you’ve never heard The Basement Yard before, this episode gives you the quintessential Basement Yard blend: ridiculous costumes, breakdowns of utterly random topics, a fearless willingness to go TMI for a laugh, and surprisingly sharp wit in discussions of everything from linguistics to pop culture nostalgia.
Expect frank, crude humor, and inside jokes—but all with a buddy-banter warmth.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Joey]

When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans. Send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets. Mom 60th and never miss a meme or milestone. All protected with end to end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone. Learn [e-mail] welcome back to the basement. Happy Halloween. Welcome back to the basement yard.

[Frank]

Happy Halloween, everybody. Obviously, as we did a couple years ago, which I just. They told me they were like. That was two years ago. Feels like yesterday.

[Joey]

I thought it was last year.

[Frank]

Me, too.

[Joey]

Honestly, I don't even know what happened last year.

[Frank]

What? Yeah. What did we do for Halloween?

[Joey]

I looked it up. It was Radio City. So. So that. We're a little busy.

[Frank]

That's terrifying.

[Joey]

Yeah, I know. Oh, my God, I have Voldemort pointing.

[Frank]

Dude, you're like Voldemort if he had a. Oh, that kind of looks sick. That kind of looks pretty sick. And how do I sound? Because it's a little difficult to speak with this.

[Joey]

Who did your makeup?

[Frank]

Yeah, someone else.

[Ant]

I thought I was coming in early to also get makeup done. Right. It turns out I was not.

[Joey]

You had to let the artists in and then.

[Ant]

Yeah. So, yeah, they told me to come early. I thought I was getting makeup done as well. It was just to let them in. So I had to paint myself, Right?

[Joey]

Yeah. And it looks great.

[Ant]

Thank you.

[Frank]

And I don't know if I mean that. Frank, I'm trying to eat popcorn.

[Joey]

Can you actually eat through that?

[Frank]

No.

[Joey]

Where did the popcorn go?

[Frank]

Then I got one, but I'm trying to get more.

[Joey]

I wish you guys could see what I'm seeing from the. This angle, because it's very interesting. All right, well, you know, there is some. Just so everyone's aware, our audio listeners. Frank's in a chicken costume and trying to eat off the desk, and it's not going smoothly.

[Frank]

The guy said not to, like, move around too much.

[Joey]

And. And.

[Frank]

But I have not listened one day.

[Joey]

So far, you've done that.

[Frank]

Hold on. Wait, we got.

[Joey]

Yeah, there you go. That didn't work at all.

[Frank]

Not at all. I decided that this feels good.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

All right. We're continuing the trend. Last time I was a lion, you were a cat. Just a cat? I think so. I liked it. A little kitty cat. You're, like, terrifying. You went from, like, basically, you. Last time you were a devil, and now you're just like, what I expect is gonna happen to you once you stop using sunscreen.

[Joey]

Now I'm cardi b. First of all, I don't know how women deal with this because this has been very difficult.

[Frank]

Is it nice? Can you clackity clack?

[Joey]

I can a little bit. I'm afraid they're press on nails. They're not real, you know, but it's been. It's been very difficult to like, take text on my phone. So I'm texting like. Like, I look like this like, scary thing and I'm over here like, yeah, very, very.

[Frank]

Do you now have a newfound appreciation for women that have long nails? Because before you said you hated them.

[Joey]

When did I say that?

[Frank]

Never. You never.

[Joey]

I will say that. I think that what this has shown me, by the way, this looks really cool. Like, I think that, like, nails look nice, but they're not practical. I. I just. I don't know. I'm not really.

[Frank]

Yeah. I mean, I don't want them for myself.

[Joey]

Right.

[Frank]

Selfishly though, I want them just for the purpose of scratching my back. That's the first thing I asked you to do.

[Joey]

You want nails on your own hand to scratch your back?

[Frank]

I want Becca to have them. Oh, I don't want them at all.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

I also.

[Joey]

I don't even know how I would wipe my ass. I feel like I would claw my.

[Frank]

Fucking rim to bits, like pantomime. Wiping your ass right now. Tell me what it.

[Joey]

Oh, I mean, I guess you could.

[Frank]

You have the paper there as a barrier.

[Joey]

I can just go like this, like.

[Frank]

No. What was that?

[Joey]

I mean, women are doing it. They're wiping their ass or.

[Frank]

I mean, it's not just women that have long nails. Get em. That's crazy. I have to like. Cause if I talk normal, it's muffled like this. So I have to like be out here.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

And b gock.

[Joey]

Yeah, you have to b gok.

[Frank]

I need to bugak my way.

[Joey]

What do you think bugak means to a chicken?

[Frank]

I mean, it depends on the context. It depends on.

[Joey]

We know bukak.

[Frank]

We know bukaki.

[Joey]

Yeah, we knew bukkake.

[Frank]

We knew bukaki.

[Joey]

Yeah. Do you think that came from chickens or the Japanese?

[Frank]

I think the Japanese coined the term. Yeah. What does bukkake actually mean? I don't want you to look it up.

[Ant]

Yeah.

[Joey]

Google what bukkake translates to.

[Frank]

I'm gonna.

[Joey]

I think it translates to just big fun time. Not fur, not for. That's your cell phone, right?

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Ant]

What does.

[Joey]

Please, for the love of Jesus. Go ahead.

[Ant]

It Means a sexual practice in which several men.

[Frank]

No, don't read it. We know what that definition is. What is the actual like Webster dictionary definition of bukaki?

[Joey]

Is bukkake in the dictionary now? We're asking the hard hitting questions. You know what I mean?

[Frank]

We are journalistic entrepreneurs, okay? We are just trying to crack the stories of tomorrow.

[Ant]

What's the question? Because it just means what it is. Oh, what are you asking?

[Frank]

It doesn't.

[Joey]

What are the.

[Frank]

All right, how about this? What are the linguistic origins of bukkake?

[Joey]

No, so I. What he's saying though is that it's like Frank thought that. Oh, I also thought that like the word had like a. It meant something like the evil knight or something.

[Ant]

Got it. Got it.

[Frank]

Yeah, like the. The creamy space.

[Joey]

Frank, what the hell? My nail is coming off and I'm getting real sad.

[Ant]

It did originate in Japan in the 80s.

[Frank]

So the Japanese coined bukkake.

[Joey]

I think they invented it.

[Frank]

Wow. Innovators.

[Joey]

Innovators. Fucking Pokemon, Pokemon, others. What else did they do?

[Frank]

Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy Bukkake.

[Ant]

Bukkake actually did find something here.

[Frank]

Good.

[Ant]

It refers to the act of splashing liquid on something. In this case, broth. Because they also have bukkake udon.

[Frank]

Dude, I went to a restaurant and I saw bukkake on the menu. I'm leaving that restaurant.

[Ant]

Depends on the price.

[Frank]

I.

[Joey]

What depends on the price?

[Ant]

It depends on the price.

[Joey]

It does depend on the price. Wait, what's bukake? Udon.

[Ant]

Udon.

[Joey]

Like the food.

[Ant]

Like soup.

[Joey]

So it's like a bukkake soup and you order it and they come over and throw it all over your face.

[Frank]

You gotta dial a number. Joey.

[Joey]

I lost one. Take out that bukkake udon.

[Frank]

What an episode. We're excited. We love the guys that did the makeup. Also did it the last time, if you want to shout them out real quick. But I think we look really good. I love the animal thing I got going on here. It feels animalistic in nature. But I do think that there is a level of connection I have with the chicken now.

[Joey]

Cause you eat a lot of chicken. I eat a lot of chicken.

[Frank]

I eat a lot of chicken. You eat a lot of chicken?

[Joey]

Yeah. I won't be after this, but you know you won't. No.

[Frank]

Gobble me up.

[Joey]

Right?

[Frank]

See, that's why I'll show you my wings and my breasts.

[Joey]

That's funny. I got me. Show me your wish. I'll split your wishbone.

[Frank]

You want my. You want to spatchcock me on the fucking Table. I will fucking. Oh, roast me up.

[Joey]

I will marinate you and you fucking chicken.

[Frank]

Hell yeah. Shove a fucking skewer and mead.

[Joey]

Bagok show you a bagok.

[Frank]

Yeah, you show me a bk. Yeah, yeah.

[Joey]

Right in your dark meat. All right, sorry.

[Frank]

See, that's where.

[Joey]

That's where I got.

[Frank]

You need a name because I'm just chicken, right? You need a name that is appropriate.

[Ant]

Are you.

[Frank]

Wait, now, hold on.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Are you a witch? A ghoul? A goblin? A troll?

[Joey]

Um, you know, I think that I.

[Frank]

Got a name for you. Marjorie Taylor Greene. Topical.

[Joey]

I just spit in my mask and now I can feel it.

[Frank]

Okay, so what's your name? What are you?

[Joey]

That's a great question. Are you asking me, like, my pronouns right now?

[Frank]

I absolutely am. I want to respect whatever your pronouns are.

[Joey]

Okay. Is it giving woman?

[Frank]

It's giving terrifying.

[Joey]

Yeah, it's giving scaries. What I meant it's giving scary.

[Frank]

It's giving scary.

[Joey]

I'll say that. You know, I'm kind of like a. It. Mm. Is that a pronoun?

[Frank]

So you're. You're. You're genderless.

[Joey]

Yeah, I'm gender.

[Frank]

Gender fluid.

[Joey]

I'm like. I'm like ditto from Pokemon, but not.

[Frank]

But not that, though.

[Joey]

But what I. What can I. But I'm genderless. I'm unisex.

[Frank]

Yeah, I'm unisex. Unisex.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

And Ant, just to be very clear, you are Leonardo the Ninja Turtle.

[Ant]

I am Leonardo the Ninja.

[Frank]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

[Joey]

Hey, Ant.

[Ant]

Yes, sir.

[Joey]

Really depends on how we color grade this, because you could get in a lot of trouble. That's a little bit of a dark green.

[Frank]

Yeah. You know what? Now that I'm thinking about whoever's editing this, we're getting close. And they got the power in their hands. Yeah. Cuz they can really turn that into.

[Joey]

Something like a little racer.

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

You know, and we don't. We don't. We don't.

[Frank]

We don't any of it exactly. Support or like. Evan.

[Joey]

Yeah, I did. I'm just glad that you have the goggles.

[Frank]

What are you doing? It's a domino mask, Joey.

[Joey]

What does that mean? It's.

[Frank]

That's what it's called. A domino mask.

[Joey]

Wait, the Ninja Turtles were wearing domino masks?

[Frank]

That's what they're called. Domino masks.

[Joey]

Are those like, you know, those are like the rich, horny masks.

[Frank]

No, those are the ones that have like, the wings on them. They look like a stick. And they got a stick. Cause they can move it and be like, I'm a slut and I'm a dirty mask slut.

[Joey]

Why did. Why do rich people go to parties like that?

[Frank]

I don't know. You know how miserable a party has to be for me to want to hold up a mask to my face the whole time?

[Joey]

I would want to wear a mask instead of holding one. Yeah.

[Frank]

I hate the ones that have like the. I'm sorry, but, like the long, like, curled noses and shit.

[Joey]

Right here. I'm right here.

[Frank]

Fuck that. Fuck those noses. I hate them. No, but, like, they. You know which ones I'm talking about?

[Joey]

Are you talking about like, the old.

[Frank]

Like the old, like, pandemic masks?

[Joey]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think those are cool.

[Frank]

Nah, them.

[Joey]

What are those supposed to do?

[Frank]

I think the idea was, like, there was. You could breathe, but, like, it was a long way from the breathing to your nose. So, like, on the way, the germs would go away.

[Joey]

That can't be right.

[Frank]

I know is. I have to talk. Watching you eat is fucking great.

[Joey]

I just laughed so hard that I got dizzy.

[Frank]

It could be. It could be the fumes.

[Joey]

I see. Yeah, well, I can't breathe out of my nose.

[Frank]

Okay.

[Joey]

Because. And also, like, this smells like a. Like a raw dick. Like a chicken cutlet dick. You know what I mean?

[Frank]

Nope.

[Joey]

Right? Like a. Like, here's what I mean.

[Frank]

Like party city during Halloween time.

[Joey]

Sure.

[Frank]

Like, just like latex and sweat and.

[Joey]

You know what it smells like? Wet white people.

[Frank]

Ew, that's disgusting.

[Joey]

That's what it feels like.

[Frank]

Like a water park with, like, just the trashiest white people. You know, go all the time.

[Joey]

Frank, you love water parks. You love them.

[Frank]

Guilty is charged.

[Joey]

Remember we went to a water park and you got a tattoo of your nickname across your chest?

[Frank]

Certain stories are meant to be dead and buried and left there. Okay.

[Joey]

Ate a lot of churros that day and got a fever also.

[Frank]

I mean, yes, Ant.

[Ant]

What was the nickname?

[Joey]

Facts. Oh, by the way, he gave his nickname to himself.

[Frank]

Hold on. Joe Mudd. You used to do the same shit.

[Joey]

That's called a screen name.

[Frank]

Yeah, so was mine. Mine was my screen name. But you actually would write, like, Joe Mudd in your big fucking bubbly letters all over your fucking notebook.

[Joey]

Frank, you're the one who got in trouble for the bubble letters.

[Frank]

You have a.

[Joey]

You. You have a selective memory here.

[Frank]

I don't have a selective memory. I'm being honest. I have a memory. You have none.

[Joey]

I have a memory. I've remembered.

[Frank]

You remember what you select to remember. I remember everything. It is the burden I must bear.

[Joey]

I bet it is Chicken Man.

[Frank]

It is. Yes. We went to Splish Splash, which was. Or is. I don't know if it's still open in Riverhead. Yeah. A popular water on Long Island. Yes. It sounds like the worst place on the planet because it's a water park on Long Island. Yes. My nickname and tag at the time was Fax two.

[Joey]

What happened to fax the regular? You moved on.

[Frank]

It wasn't even two. It was squared. So it was technically fax facts.

[Joey]

Right, right, right, right.

[Frank]

And I decided to get a chest henna. Semi permanent chest tattoo.

[Joey]

Right.

[Frank]

A henna across my chest that said facts too.

[Joey]

Right.

[Frank]

In old timey old English, like New York Times letters.

[Joey]

And then you ate a churro and.

[Frank]

Probably a couple of hot dogs.

[Joey]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely.

[Frank]

That sounds like a day.

[Joey]

I mean, that is a day. That's what Swiss Splash is. You know, you pull up, you get in there, you have a churro, you got a fucking.

[Frank]

You know, and you leave with a sinus infection.

[Joey]

So you're in the wave pool and then you see a kid in a diaper and you're like, I'm going to pay for this later. And then you fucking get home and you have a sinus infection.

[Frank]

Yep.

[Joey]

You get an ear infection.

[Frank]

Yep.

[Joey]

But you had a good time during the park.

[Frank]

All those places also have, like, custom, like, mini pizza restaurants. You know what I'm talking about? Like, it's like a restaurant where you can get, like, a personal pie of pizza, and it's just the hottest thing on the planet. Such a specific memory. It's just the hottest piece of pizza you've ever had in your entire life. And you have to let it cool down.

[Joey]

You know what I. Kind of the most uninteresting story ever.

[Frank]

You should do, like, a seriously, like, a scary thing. Like, look at the camera and be like, I'm gonna get you. Or say something spooky so someone could use it as a clip. No, please.

[Joey]

Hide your cocks.

[Frank]

The cock gobbler is coming for you.

[Joey]

I don't want to be the cock gobbler.

[Frank]

You just said hide your cocks.

[Joey]

Yeah, but I meant.

[Frank]

I got confused is what happened. All right, so what's your name? I don't need a name. Yes, you do.

[Joey]

Not everything needs to be named.

[Frank]

It does.

[Joey]

No, it doesn't.

[Frank]

It needs a name. It doesn't need a name. I think you should be shallow Shawlis. Yes.

[Joey]

What does that mean?

[Frank]

I don't know.

[Joey]

Right.

[Frank]

It just sounds ancient.

[Joey]

Evil. I know.

[Ant]

Like Scrotum.

[Joey]

Scrotum. I see what you're doing there.

[Frank]

Yeah, he does look like a nut sack. Let's be honest. A nut sack that's been freshly dragged through soot.

[Joey]

Frank, if your nutsack looks like this, we're gonna talk about a doctor's appointment after this. All right.

[Ant]

Ant?

[Joey]

And if your nutsack looks like that, you're fired.

[Frank]

Yeah. You gotta have good nut sacks to work here.

[Joey]

Yeah, I check everyone's nut sacks. Let me see.

[Frank]

The cock gobbler needs to see your muzzack. I am not a cock gobbler. You were the one that said you goggle cocks.

[Joey]

You're the.

[Frank]

I never said that. You gobble them.

[Joey]

No, you're the bukkakey chicken or whatever.

[Frank]

Bugaki bukkake. That's my name. I'm Frank the bugocking chicken.

[Joey]

Oh, my God. This is insane.

[Frank]

Before, when I was in the makeup chair.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

You guys insinuated that there is a line for how many clocks I elicit.

[Joey]

Frank, we're well past the line, Really. I mean, well, we're only, you know, a couple minutes in here. Well, you're gonna blow the roof off.

[Ant]

We're at 16 so far.

[Frank]

16 clocks?

[Ant]

Yeah.

[Joey]

What?

[Frank]

I mean, we're not going to tell.

[Joey]

You what it was.

[Frank]

Okay.

[Ant]

I can't.

[Frank]

Yeah, I imagine that the line. You went past it. The line is, I'm going to say 21.5.

[Joey]

There's no way I would, like. I mean, I would take the over on that, like, easily. We knew you were going to Bagok.

[Frank]

Well, when a chicken.

[Joey]

Damn it.

[Frank]

You'd be a chicken. Right?

[Joey]

I agree.

[Frank]

I commit to the fucking bit.

[Joey]

Are you going to do something like Ninja Turtle?

[Ant]

Yeah, like do a flip.

[Frank]

Can you flip? Yeah.

[Ant]

I cannot flip.

[Frank]

Can you do a cartwheel?

[Joey]

Strike me as someone who could, like, nimble.

[Frank]

An athletic thing. Yeah, baby. Can you do a cartwheel?

[Ant]

I can do a cartwheel.

[Joey]

Let's see.

[Frank]

No, you can't. Let's see it. Do a Ninja Turtle cartwheel.

[Ant]

I used to be able to do a cartwheel, I guess.

[Joey]

How long ago?

[Ant]

Seven minutes.

[Frank]

What am I.

[Joey]

Does he think we're dumb?

[Frank]

He does. Please do a cartwheel.

[Ant]

I can't do a cartwheel.

[Frank]

Why?

[Joey]

You know that. What's that thing where you lay on the ground, you get up real cool, Kip off.

[Ant]

Definitely cannot do that.

[Frank]

I did one once in high school.

[Joey]

No one believes that. What? Nobody believes what.

[Frank]

Why would I make that if I was. Why? I'll tell you why.

[Joey]

Because you're always Making up stuff when you're.

[Frank]

See, I don't like that. I am not making up shit. I just remember shit. And you don't fucking. You don't remember it, so you think.

[Joey]

It'S just a lie? I remember I was in my room, and it was so cool.

[Frank]

I did it.

[Joey]

No one was there to see it.

[Frank]

No, I did it. I did it in gym class and our.

[Joey]

It's always gym class.

[Frank]

Well, that's where I was dared to do it.

[Joey]

Dared.

[Frank]

Oh, daredevil.

[Joey]

Stand up.

[Frank]

Real cool. Fucking idiot over here. I could probably get pretty close to doing one now, but I'm not gonna because I got all this on. Maybe after I take it off. But do a cartwheel, dude.

[Joey]

I don't want you to because you'll break your arm, I think.

[Ant]

No, it'll just look awful.

[Joey]

Will it?

[Ant]

Probably.

[Joey]

He broke his arm doing a cartwheel once.

[Frank]

Keith has told us he's broken every bone in his body.

[Joey]

He has said that, and it's so not true. But he has broken his nose.

[Frank]

He broke his. He broke his arm. He broke his neck. I know those two for sure.

[Joey]

I know he's broken his nose.

[Frank]

Okay. That's. That's three bones of the 206.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Ant]

Like, fully breaking your neck is a crazy move, yo.

[Joey]

Crazy that he broke his neck, dude.

[Frank]

And he played football with it.

[Joey]

He broke his neck, went to the doctor, and they're like, oh, it's probably whiplash. So he wore, like. He didn't have, like, a neck brace on and, like, lived for another couple of days with a broken neck.

[Frank]

He lived for several more years. He's still alive. Just so we're all on the same.

[Joey]

Like, he walked around without a neck brace on and then finally went back to a different doctor, and they're like, your shit is broken, my guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Frank]

It was pretty nuts.

[Joey]

And then he. Yeah, he wore a neck brace as when the Giants won their Super Bowl.

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

So we went to the parade, and there was a bunch of drunk people around. Whatever. We were mad young, and Keith's got a neck brace on, and all of a sudden, some guy looks at him.

[Frank]

And goes, this kid broke his neck to be here.

[Joey]

And the whole sidewalk was like. Yeah, went fucking crazy, dude. It was awesome, dude.

[Frank]

Do you remember us throwing people in the air at the Yankees parade? Yeah, that was fun.

[Joey]

No one was safe from being thrown.

[Frank]

No, we were literally, like. You ever seen in, like, the shows where, like, people will get together and they're like. And they throw them in the air? There was like 15, 17 year olds doing that and we were tossing people like 15ft in the air. It was a fun time.

[Joey]

You know, that was back in the day.

[Frank]

Back in the day when kids could be kids and we had a good time and none of this hyper left wing woke. Woke didn't exist.

[Joey]

I love that you're turning into like drunk uncle Chicken.

[Frank]

Drunk uncle. I'm turning into what Foghorn Leghorn is?

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Ant]

Woke.

[Frank]

I say, I say woke is a. It is a menace to society. I say, I say, I say. The libs are trying to poison our youth.

[Joey]

This is freaking me out. Honestly, it's freaking me out.

[Frank]

I say, I say. If you believe Biden won that election, you're part of the problem.

[Joey]

Problem?

[Frank]

I should just commit to being Foghorn Leghorn?

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

A racist cartoon chicken.

[Joey]

Is he racist?

[Frank]

Close enough.

[Joey]

What is close enough? I'm not.

[Frank]

He's a chicken from, like fucking Florida. You're going to tell me he doesn't have a racist bone in his body?

[Joey]

He's from Florida.

[Frank]

Maybe. I might have made that up.

[Joey]

That's a big detail.

[Frank]

He's Southern.

[Joey]

So all southern people are racist?

[Frank]

No, no, no, no. But there's some stuff. Have you seen some of the old Looney Tunes cartoons?

[Joey]

No, I didn't see them when I was younger.

[Frank]

There's some stuff in there, brother.

[Joey]

Why are you watching cartoons from the 20s?

[Frank]

I put them on for the kids.

[Joey]

1920S cartoons.

[Ant]

Yeah.

[Frank]

It's cool. I'd like to show it to them and be like, this came out before your grandfather was born.

[Joey]

So if I walk into your house, your children are watching black and white cartoons?

[Frank]

Sometimes. But those are. There are some good ones. There are some ones that are just overtly racist.

[Joey]

So you are showing them those.

[Frank]

No, those. They don't exist anymore. And I wouldn't show them if they were.

[Joey]

Just to be very clear, you're indoctrinating your children.

[Frank]

I absolutely am not. I say, I say I show them in the good old times. That's what Foghorn Leghorn would do.

[Joey]

What a name. Foghorn Leghorn. Were we hammered coming up with that name?

[Frank]

We weren't hammered. We didn't come up with it.

[Joey]

I know some.

[Frank]

It was.

[Joey]

Thanks for letting me know that it.

[Frank]

Was Mr. Looney Tunes. Who is that? Who made the Looney Tunes? Mel Blanc.

[Joey]

Who's that?

[Ant]

You're right about that.

[Frank]

I know. Mel Blanc was the name. He was the voice of. Of Bugs Bunny.

[Joey]

Mel Blanc sounds like a licker.

[Frank]

And they were probably all drunk.

[Ant]

Hugh Harmon. And Rudolph is Is he?

[Frank]

My God.

[Joey]

A guy named Rudolph. By the way, if your name's Rudolph, guys, pack it in. Your name's Rudolph. Like, you're named after the deer.

[Frank]

That's so interesting that you say that, because you just had dinner with Giuliani.

[Joey]

That's not even a good joke, is it? Oh, his name is Rudolph.

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

But still.

[Frank]

Yeah, that name sucks.

[Joey]

Rudolph.

[Frank]

I know.

[Joey]

Bottom five.

[Frank]

I haven't spoken to him in a while, but I know a Rudolph.

[Joey]

Do you.

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

Call him Rudy.

[Frank]

People called him Rudy. Yeah.

[Joey]

You can't call him Rudolph. Yo, naming. You're a baby. Rudolph is bananas.

[Frank]

I mean, yeah, all names are crazy if you think about it.

[Ant]

You can't call him Dolph either.

[Joey]

Who?

[Frank]

Dolphy?

[Joey]

Yeah. You call him Dolphy Knox, people gonna think his name is Adolph.

[Frank]

No, because then you'd call him Addie.

[Joey]

Well, I. I wouldn't do that either.

[Frank]

Or I just wouldn't name him Adolf.

[Joey]

What's like a really. What's like the top five worst baby names?

[Frank]

Rudolph is up there.

[Joey]

Rudolph gotta be up there.

[Frank]

Gertrude.

[Joey]

Okay, let's just do men first.

[Frank]

Okay? Rudolph. Kevin.

[Joey]

Kevin.

[Frank]

Kevin.

[Joey]

It's neutral.

[Frank]

It's not horrible, but it's so neutral that, like, has no bearing on a. On a. On a name.

[Joey]

Can you Google that? Top five, top five, worst, worst boy names. I'm trying to think of, like, an old. Oh, like Anthony.

[Ant]

I was close to a lot of things of my name.

[Frank]

No, Anthony. I know that there are people that have named their kids. I know what I'm saying.

[Joey]

Like, I think. I'm not a big fan of Eugene.

[Frank]

Oh, yeah. Eugene sucks. Eugene Eustace.

[Joey]

Oh, my God. Eustace.

[Frank]

Eustace sucks.

[Joey]

That's. That's an old, skinny man.

[Frank]

That's an old, skinny Southern man with that hat.

[Joey]

With a kangal, not a kang.

[Frank]

You're just. You're just talking about the guy from Courage, the Cowardly Dog. I am thinking about that.

[Joey]

Yeah. You just moved your hand in. A piece of popcorn flew out.

[Frank]

So we're gonna have a lot of fun with this episode.

[Joey]

What do you got?

[Ant]

They're just so ridiculous.

[Frank]

Gimme.

[Ant]

It's like colon felony, but it's spelled peace.

[Frank]

Are we in a place where we could do, like, colon? Colon would be a shitty name. Colon, pal. Colin. Idiot.

[Ant]

This might be Colin, actually.

[Frank]

Colin.

[Joey]

Pow. Wait, his name's not colon.

[Frank]

It was Colin. I think he's dead.

[Joey]

Right, bro? Is it not colon?

[Frank]

No, it's Colin.

[Joey]

I went my entire life calling him Colin Powell.

[Frank]

You're fucking mean. I didn't know his name was Colin. Dude, he was in the news for several years. You should know. It's Colin Powell.

[Joey]

Colin Powell.

[Frank]

Wait, now, hold on. Now I'm saying it, and it doesn't sound right.

[Joey]

Look up Colin Powell.

[Ant]

Colin Powell. Pronunciation.

[Frank]

What? Just look at his name. The requests that we've had for you to Google so far have been out of control. It's Colon.

[Ant]

It's C, O, L, I, N. That's Colin, I think.

[Joey]

Yeah, yeah, that is. That is blatantly Colin, and I am blatantly wrong there. That's good. Well, I thought his name was Colon.

[Frank]

You were wrong.

[Joey]

Thank God I didn't meet him. I'd be like, how you doing, Colon?

[Frank]

No, you wouldn't even. You'd go first name when you meet him, Mr. Powell, and he'd say, please call me Colin.

[Joey]

He said, please call me Colin, which would be crazy.

[Frank]

Please, please call me Colin. Are we moving into a place where, like, modern, like, boy names like Jaxton and stuff like that? Did those suck yet?

[Ant]

That's on one of these. Jaxton and Braxton.

[Frank]

Yeah, I know a Braxton.

[Joey]

I don't hate Braxton.

[Frank]

I don't like. I don't mind it. I like Braxton. I think it's nice because of Tony.

[Joey]

Tony Braxton.

[Frank]

Tony Braxton.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

I mean, you can't go wrong.

[Ant]

Todd is on here.

[Frank]

Yeah, Todd.

[Joey]

You know what?

[Frank]

I don't love Fred, but it's shortened for Frederick, like Todd. What does Todd stand short for? Todd. Todd Toddman.

[Joey]

That ain't it.

[Frank]

Todd Todd or Todd.

[Joey]

Rick.

[Ant]

Toddsworth.

[Frank]

Todsworth.

[Joey]

Our names are also. Well, your name's not Frank, but like Frank and Joe.

[Frank]

I mean, but Joseph. It's biblical. People will give you a pass. Francisco. I think it's a great name. I love my name.

[Joey]

I like Francisco. Thank you. Francis is bad. Yeah.

[Frank]

Franklin sucks nuts, too.

[Joey]

There's a dog in my building named Franklin, and I like it for dogs. Yeah, Just like I like the name George for dog.

[Frank]

I agree.

[Joey]

George, Georgie, Albert for like, a fat dog that I like.

[Frank]

Yeah, I'm okay with it. Trying to think of other just miserable boy names.

[Joey]

What about girl names?

[Frank]

Well, we went. Gertrude sucks.

[Joey]

Beth.

[Frank]

Beth, right. Beth. How do we feel about Beth? Ant's like, really staying quiet because he doesn't want to offend anyone who has these names.

[Joey]

Is that your mom's? What's your mom's name?

[Ant]

Kim.

[Joey]

I like.

[Frank]

I like Kim.

[Joey]

It's just a class. That's like a classy white woman.

[Frank]

I Like Elizabeth.

[Joey]

Elizabeth.

[Ant]

What about Ruth?

[Joey]

That's how a chicken thinks. I. Ruth. The jury's out on Ruth.

[Frank]

I need to meet a bad Ruth to make me hate it. And I don't think I've ever met a good Ruth.

[Joey]

I'm thinking of Red though. Like a red haired Ruth.

[Frank]

Ruth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see that. What about Dorothy?

[Joey]

I kind of like it.

[Frank]

Dot. That's the nickname. Dot.

[Joey]

I kind of fuck with that.

[Frank]

I kind of fuck with dot com.

[Joey]

Dot's sick.

[Frank]

Dot. Dottie.

[Joey]

Damn.

[Frank]

That's old Dottie over there.

[Joey]

Who?

[Frank]

Dot.

[Joey]

Dot's a sick name.

[Frank]

I knew an old bag named Dot back in the day.

[Joey]

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never knew a Dot. I knew old bags.

[Frank]

Never knew a Dot.

[Joey]

My grandma's name is Catherine. She was an old bag.

[Frank]

That's an old bag. My grandmother was Gloria. I like Gloria a lot as a name.

[Joey]

Gloria is an old woman's name.

[Frank]

There's like that like golden era of names that's coming back.

[Joey]

Like Barbara.

[Frank]

Barbara. Gloria. Ruby is kind of of that time. Pearl. I love.

[Joey]

Oh, I kind of like Pearl.

[Frank]

Rose. Oh, I like Rose.

[Ant]

An honorable mention for bad names. You have to throw Karen in there now, right?

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

Karen. Yeah. That's a tough one.

[Frank]

If it's 20, 25 and you're naming your child Karen, you know what you're doing.

[Joey]

You know what's an unfortunate one too? Carol.

[Frank]

I don't mind Carol. I don't like it. I like Carol because it reminds me of Christmas.

[Joey]

Christmas carol. Have you ever gone caroling?

[Frank]

I don't think so.

[Joey]

Have you caroled?

[Ant]

No.

[Joey]

I went caroling once and. And nothing happened.

[Frank]

I will say what, you sing like the religious Christmas songs are the fun ones.

[Joey]

We sang. Well, it wasn't a real caroling. I was at. I was at Nappy's house. We're like in seventh grade and like a bunch of us just went because we thought it'd be funny and we just like rang his neighbors, like on his block, all their doorbells and we would sing Christmas songs, but we don't know all the lyrics to him.

[Frank]

Hysterical.

[Joey]

We were sitting. I knew whatever I said, you would say that because you're a mean chicken and I'm gonna spatchcock ya. Oh, yeah.

[Frank]

I'm sweating.

[Joey]

Are you?

[Frank]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey]

Oh, I mean, you're wearing a. I mean, you know.

[Frank]

Well, I'm in a jacket and about 40 pounds of makeup and glue.

[Joey]

Yeah, you're in it. I mean all the feathers.

[Frank]

The feathers. The feathers are not helping.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

What are you gonna do about it.

[Joey]

You want to say something like, with the bag at the end of it. Just give me something. Just give me one good bag.

[Frank]

Like, you want me to just let a bag fly or just.

[Joey]

Just fucking rip one.

[Frank]

Just rip a bag. Rip and dip, right? Yeah. It's like, please move the camera or the mic back.

[Joey]

Just rip a good one and like, look up and do.

[Frank]

How much time do you spend around chickens that you're able to do that? Dude, I'm a good chicken. I'm a funky chicken, baby.

[Joey]

You are a good chicken. Anyway, we have some sponsors for today. I'm gonna try and read these as best I can. Don't do that.

[Frank]

I'm gonna do it through the edge, please. I'm gonna do it.

[Joey]

All right. I'll try not to laugh. All right. Don't do a lot of it.

[Frank]

Okay.

[Joey]

Also have to get these up.

[Ant]

All right.

[Joey]

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. I almost broke my nail. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Squarespace is going to be the website where it's going to help you build your website, because your website is your first impression. So whether you have an E commerce business or you're selling stuff on this thing, or you're making content and you just want it to be, you know, a good website, it's going to be your first impression. People are going to go there and they're going to be like, hey, is this guy for real or not? All right, so you're going to want to go to squarespace.com basement and you will save 10% off your first purchase of a website and domain. And why are you going to go to Squarespace? Because in my opinion, they are the best platform to build your website. They make it very easy with their templates. You could have a professional looking website in just an afternoon, depending on how much time you want to spend on doing that. But they make it very easy. They also have a lot of tools to help you find out where your traffic is coming from and in the most optimal way possible, you know, help you out. Where am I gonna spend more marketing money or whatever that. So go to squarespace.com basement to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or a domain with that code. Basement. All right, you're welcome. And we also have. It's hard to type. It's hard to type. We have. Sorry. We have Wayfair. Okay. Wayfair. They got everything.

[Frank]

Okay.

[Joey]

Chances are if you're out there and you have an apartment or a house that you've had to furnish you got a piece of Wayfair in your. In your house or apartment, all right? They got everything there. And it's the. It's the holiday. So you could shop for holiday decor for every room in the house. It's all furniture and stuff like that. But there's something for every style in every home, no matter your space or your budget. They make it easy to tackle your home goals this holiday season with endless inspiration for every space and budget. So if you want to spice up your apartment or your house or your wherever you are, you can use Wayfair to do that. Okay? So get organized, refreshed, and ready for the holidays. For way less, head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That is W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com all right? Go get yourself something from Wayfair. They got rugs, they got lamps, they got beds, furniture, storage. Whatever you need, they got you wayfair.com go enjoy that.

[Frank]

Yep. And you know what? If you want to spruce up your home and a website or whatever you're going to be doing with your time, you know what else you could spruce up your brain, your heart, your funny bone by going to patreon.com the basementyard. I tell you about it every single week. And it's the best way to support us here at San Agado Studios and at the Basement yard. Go to patreon.com the basement yard. Take a look. Take a look around, Bakok. Maybe you'll find something. You never know what's going to bhagawk in there. And if you sign up for that first here, you get these weekly episodes one week in advance. And in that second tier, you get exclusive episodes every single Friday. So you could start and end your week with the Basement Yard, Bakok. So do yourself the favor. You want to save yourself a couple money while signing up, go to www.patreon.com thebasementyard on a web browser and sign up there. If you use a smart app, it's going to take extra money from you. Okay? So go check it out. Patreon.com Thebaseofnmeart thank you guys for getting us to over 34,000. Maybe closer to 35. I'm not even sure. I haven't seen the number lately, but we love you. We appreciate you. Thank you. And we're almost done with our shows. But if you're coming to any of our shows, go to thebaseofmanyard.com submit and submit responses to Our questionnaire. Okay. Some of the episodes, a portion of the show. We like to be interactive. We talk to you, about you, with you, if you got cool, crazy, funny stories. There are some of our favorite parts of the shows we want you to be a part of. So go to thebazemanyard.com submit. Let us know what shows are left that you're coming to. There's not much. And submit a story, an answer. It's gonna be fun. It's gonna be a good time. We love you. We miss you. We're excited to see you. Ambergock. Ambergock I In the interest of spooky season, I wrote a scary story.

[Joey]

Oh, God. For the mother of God, I wrote.

[Frank]

A scary story that's gonna sen down your spine, Joey, and it's going to stick with you for all eternity. I'm sweating.

[Joey]

Yeah, Are you? You're pitting. Your armpits are a little brown, which is concerning.

[Frank]

Why is that concerning?

[Joey]

Why would that be brown?

[Frank]

Because of sweat. All right, I'm gonna take off my claw.

[Joey]

Yeah, so they're talons, I think. Thank you.

[Ant]

Counting that as two.

[Frank]

So I wrote a scary story to send shivers down your spine because I know that it's the season and Joey loves spooky things. So I wrote a story tailored to Frankie.

[Joey]

You literally just said the same thing five times. You wrote a spooky story meant to scare you.

[Frank]

Are you ready?

[Joey]

Yep.

[Frank]

Try not to be scared.

[Joey]

I have a feeling this is gonna be not scary at all.

[Frank]

It was a muggy day in the swamps of Florida.

[Joey]

Oh, God.

[Frank]

Joe was staying at a motel.

[Joey]

I don't like this at all. I don't like this at all.

[Frank]

With Charlie. And he knew it was time to start his day.

[Joey]

Wait, what? Your scary story is me in a motel in Florida.

[Frank]

It's very muggy.

[Joey]

Oh, right.

[Frank]

He opened his door, he opened his phone and he wanted a doordash coffee, but ah, his phone was dead.

[Joey]

Is this gonna okay? Huh?

[Frank]

So Joe had to step outside in 95 degree humidity and bring Charlie on a walk to get coffee.

[Joey]

That's not how humidity is measured.

[Frank]

95 degrees, 95% humidity. Are you scared yet?

[Joey]

Is this the whole it's gonna keep being mundane things that I are mildly inconveniencing.

[Frank]

As Joe steps outside, he's hit immediately with the scariest thing he could experience. A level 14 on the UV index.

[Joey]

What'd you say?

[Frank]

Level 14 on the UV index.

[Joey]

Oh. Oh, I see.

[Frank]

That is pretty scary.

[Joey]

Is that even possible?

[Frank]

I don't know.

[Joey]

That Would be scary.

[Frank]

Joe panics.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

The fear sets in. He forgot his hipster Brooklyn hat that has a picture of a llama on it. He runs, he grabs his sunscreen. Oh no, it's empty.

[Joey]

My sunscreen is empty. Yes. So far. I'm in Florida taking my dog to go get coffee and the sun's out.

[Frank]

So now, so now Joe has to venture out into public and find a coffee shop. But ah, it's not a local small business. It's a Starbucks.

[Joey]

That would be scary. I don't like Starbucks.

[Frank]

I know, that's why I put it in here. Joe, in an instant just asked for coffee and was handed an iced coffee for his trap.

[Joey]

Nice.

[Frank]

Joe, while on his walk, takes four sips.

[Joey]

Thank you for doing the sounds.

[Frank]

But oh no. After his fourth sip, he begins to feel a rumbling in his tummy.

[Joey]

Oh, this is gonna start with pooping my pants. This is what's gonna happen.

[Frank]

Joey looks at the cup and Charlie begs to find a tree to piss on. And then Joe realizes his worst nightmare has come true. Oh no. He was handed a nitro cold brew with whole milk.

[Joey]

In what state do you have to be in to write something like this?

[Frank]

Okay. Joe's IBS begins to flare up and he's running with.

[Joey]

Charlie don't have ibs.

[Frank]

Charlie is shitting uncontrollably and then there are hissing cocks.

[Joey]

Why is the dog shitting? Why is the dog shitting uncontrollably?

[Frank]

Because it's a nightmare, okay? And he does even during the day too. You talk shits all the time. Charlie shitting uncontrollably and then hissing cockroaches fall out of his butt.

[Joey]

Whose butt?

[Frank]

Charlie's.

[Joey]

That's scary.

[Frank]

That is, right?

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

I tried to write this thinking of what you are afraid of and what your dreams are normally like.

[Joey]

What I'm gathering is that you don't know me at all.

[Frank]

There's more, Joey.

[Joey]

I bet there is.

[Frank]

The cockroaches are crawling up Joe's white pasty legs which are beginning to get sun kissed.

[Joey]

I feel like the adjectives weren't needed. White pasty.

[Frank]

However, with just enough time to spare, Joe finds a dun dun dun public bathroom.

[Joey]

This is a nightmare. Now I think I've probably had this.

[Frank]

Nightmare with no stall.

[Joey]

What would be in there?

[Frank]

Just urinal.

[Joey]

Well, I can't. I'm not gonna shit in a urinal unless I was alone and desperate.

[Frank]

You are. Did you not hear about your IBS flaring up?

[Joey]

You're right.

[Frank]

Joe enters clutching his Tiffany Stamped Patek Philippe.

[Joey]

I wish. This is no longer a nightmare. This is a dream now.

[Frank]

He sits on the rusted toilet seat and feels the rust scrape against his bottom.

[Joey]

Why'd you get British?

[Frank]

At the end, his bottom as on the toilet seat. He begins to relieve himself and takes his phone out of his pocket. It wasn't dead. Oh, it turned on.

[Joey]

That's not.

[Frank]

He stares at his phone and sees several missed calls from his financial planner. Uh oh. He listens to a voicemail and he hears Bitcoin is tanked.

[Joey]

I don't have that much bitcoin.

[Frank]

Ethereum.

[Joey]

I don't have that much crypto. I mean, I have a decent amount of crypto.

[Frank]

It's tanked.

[Joey]

Right?

[Frank]

And all his watches are fake.

[Joey]

Now we're back in the nightmare. Now we're back in the nightmare. Wait, the pet tech Philippe was fake? Yeah. No.

[Frank]

A cold sweat comes over Joe. He now realizes that the market has crashed and he is in potential financial ruin.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Joe gets up. No toilet paper. He runs as fast as he can, sprinting. And he looks down to see he's wearing no pants and has crapped himself all over again.

[Joey]

Where are we going with this part?

[Frank]

But as Joe is running, he realizes he's not running fast at all. He's moving in slow motion. And now the worst part of his nightmare has come true. He has lost the ability to run.

[Joey]

At this point, I'm very confused now.

[Frank]

Sweaty and sunburnt. How is there more?

[Joey]

How, Frankie, how is there that Joe.

[Frank]

Is covered in shit and has to make it home for the F. One big race? A quick change of clothes is required, but the only place available that's open is a thrift store.

[Joey]

I've shopped at thrift stores.

[Frank]

He opens the door to the thrift store to see that there's a mannequin with only three clothing items available.

[Joey]

This should be good.

[Frank]

One, a minor league baseball hat. Well, two, a loud pattern shirt.

[Joey]

This feels like a fantasy of yours now.

[Frank]

And three, the scariest item of all. Cargo shorts.

[Joey]

Oh, so it's a combo between the two of you.

[Frank]

He must accept that he has to become what has always scared him. A person who wears clothings that aren't minimalistic in design.

[Joey]

You almost lost your hat. Is that the end of it? It's still going. Okay.

[Frank]

Joey uses his credit card to buy his clothes, and he's maxed it out because he's in financial.

[Joey]

Oh, because. Yep, the market.

[Frank]

Now, finally, he's heading home.

[Joey]

Phew.

[Frank]

He avoided a real nightmare in disaster.

[Joey]

Which Did I avoid.

[Frank]

Joe gets back to his place with Charlie, who has spray shit the whole way home.

[Joey]

Thank you for adding that.

[Frank]

And he finds a room of smiling kids as he opens the door.

[Joey]

That's terrifying and seemingly very illegally ill.

[Frank]

They hand him an espresso martini, but oh, no, it tastes like it's been premade. And with cold brew coffee again.

[Joey]

Oh, now we're back.

[Frank]

Joe has to kick the kids out, but more and more of them keep arriving. He doesn't know where they're coming from. He doesn't know what to do. Finally, he turns on ESPN and the big F1 race is starting. One by one, the room gets more crowded with creepy smiling kids. But Joe stares at the TV to avoid eye contact. But oh, no. The cars can't drive fast anymore.

[Joey]

I'm gonna wait. You just tip your cap.

[Frank]

The F1 cars can't drive fast anymore. What's he gonna do? How is he going to be happy? When will this nightmare end? He thinks maybe ordering food will help.

[Joey]

Frank. How is there more to this story? This is way too long. There's not that much more. How much is it? How much is left?

[Frank]

We're on the last couple sentences.

[Joey]

Jesus Christ.

[Frank]

He thinks ordering food will help, but his chicken wings turn into little buffalo flavored penises. He chews on them.

[Joey]

What?

[Frank]

That's it. Joe's had enough. He's too terrified. He knows that leaving the room will stop this nightmare. But in order to leave the room, he needs to say bye to every person in the room.

[Joey]

I can't. Irish exit.

[Frank]

You can't Irish.

[Joey]

That's it. Is that where it ended?

[Frank]

The end.

[Joey]

That's where it ended. Got it. When did you write that? I want to know about setting in.

[Frank]

Which I have a lot of time to myself to think on my car rides to and from. And let's just say that the creative juices were flowing the other day.

[Joey]

Right?

[Frank]

And I thought, what could be the scariest scenarios that I could put you in?

[Joey]

Right?

[Frank]

Having cold brew coffee with whole milk from Starbucks. Terrifying.

[Joey]

Why is that terrifying? I mean, the cold brew.

[Frank]

You tell me.

[Joey]

I mean, the cold brew would just make my heart go crazy.

[Frank]

Yeah. Having a not Irish exit.

[Joey]

We don't have to go through all of them. I understand what you're getting.

[Frank]

You got it.

[Joey]

You got it.

[Frank]

I wrote down other things that scare you too. Having to wait in the general TSA security line. The general having no pre check at this point.

[Joey]

That would be very scary.

[Ant]

Yeah.

[Frank]

I just. I thought I could make something that would really Scare the tits off.

[Joey]

Yeah, well, I'm just color me Taylor.

[Frank]

Taylor Call you Taylor Swift. Was that scary? Sharashta? What's your name?

[Joey]

How do you tell me? You said that earlier.

[Frank]

Did you like it?

[Joey]

I hated that. Absolutely hated that.

[Frank]

Why?

[Joey]

A child handing me a espresso martini.

[Frank]

It's been pre made.

[Ant]

That was actually the first thing I thought of. The only thing was like if a child came up to my door and offered me an express.

[Joey]

First of all, they're in my house apparently, right? Yeah, right.

[Ant]

I just meant it in life, like in real life.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Ant]

If a child offered me an espresso martini at my front door, would I take it?

[Frank]

Yes, you would.

[Ant]

I don't know.

[Frank]

Stop lying.

[Joey]

What is? I don't know. The answer is certainly no.

[Frank]

I would not. I with confidence can say no. Can you?

[Ant]

Maybe if they take a sip first.

[Joey]

I'm not worried about them poisoning me. I'm worried about this child.

[Frank]

So you not only want to accept an alcoholic drink from a child, you want them to consume it in front of you.

[Ant]

That's a good.

[Frank]

You're adding.

[Joey]

You're adding.

[Ant]

It's good.

[Frank]

You're adding criminal elements.

[Ant]

Yeah, I think I'd take it. Just so they don't have it. Obviously. It's like a Samaritan. Yeah. Good hero.

[Frank]

Yeah. That's spooky for you. Did that give you goosebumps? Joey?

[Joey]

Good gravy, lady. We do have more. This is. It's very hard for me to function with the nails. I feel like I'm going to break them at any second. We do have some more sponsors here. We have zocdoc. Zocdoc is, you know, it's a platform where you can book doctors. It's a free website and app where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book your next appointment. So when you go on this website, you type in your insurance and then you can find, you know, whatever doctor you need in your area like a primary care physician or you want a dermatologist or something like that, they will pull up the ones in your area and their next available appointments. And most of the time it's within, you know, like one to two to three days. So it's a pretty quick turnaround. But this is what I used before they were a sponsor on the show just to find out like which doctors in my area. I honestly have to go see a dermatologist soon because I haven't done my checkup.

[Frank]

I mean, look at you.

[Joey]

Yeah, thank you. And I And I have to do a checkup soon. So I will use octoc. I will try to find the ones that are in my area. So stop putting up all your support. Stop putting up, stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zocdoc.com basement to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c doc.com Basement all right, so get yourself some Zocdoc. And also lastly, here we have hims. HIMS offers convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments with ingredients that may work, including chews, oral medications, serums and sprays. Okay. Doctor Trusted clinically proven ingredients like finasteride and minoxidil can further can stop further hair loss and regrow in as little as three to six months. Okay? So there's no hidden fees, no surprise costs. It's just personalized care on your schedule. Okay? So think of them, you know, as your digital front door that gets you back to your old self. For simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, ED, weight loss and more, visit HIMSS.combasement that is HIMS.combasement for your free online visit. All right. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride. Feature products include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for all details, restrictions and important safety information. Again, that is hims.com basement so there you go, folks. Get my nails out of the way.

[Frank]

So you like that? My spooky story.

[Joey]

You got a piece of. You got a. You got a popcorn in your face. Where? Over there. No, it's on the other side. Yep, keep going. Keep clawing at it. Go to the more towards your face. Yep, there you go. You got it. Keep going, keep going. One more. Give it a good one. One more. Good one. There you go. You got it. It's on the table now. And there it goes. Well, there you have it, folks. I think we have an.

[Ant]

I was gonna say question of the day here is that. Oh, no. A toilet in your house becomes sentient. It could talk to you, it could speak to you.

[Joey]

Oh, no.

[Ant]

But it absolutely hates when you poop in it.

[Joey]

There isn't a question there, by the way. Yeah, that was supposed to be an Anka chan.

[Frank]

Yeah, Quite good.

[Joey]

And where's the question?

[Ant]

So the question is, are you still pooping in there?

[Frank]

First of all, know your fucking role and shut your mouth.

[Joey]

Toilet.

[Frank]

You know, you know what you're there for, bitch.

[Joey]

Gonna get into a screaming argument with your toilet?

[Frank]

No, I'm just gonna treat it like my little bitch.

[Joey]

But it's your toilet. Yeah, yeah.

[Ant]

What if it just pleads to you while you're on it, like, please stop shitting.

[Frank]

No, I hate this. No, no more poop. First of all, it's poop related. I hate this question. You know that, Aunt.

[Joey]

Well, then, you know you have to do. Just be an adult and you'll be fine.

[Frank]

I think. I'm not an adult. I'm a chicken. Okay.

[Ant]

But it does like piss, if that helps.

[Frank]

I mean, it does like it. Yeah.

[Joey]

Oh my God, this is some good piss. Well, the only good the thing is that does usually happen at the same time. Oh.

[Ant]

So maybe you can bargain with it.

[Frank]

Say, I'll drink more fluids if you let me crump in here once. Crump?

[Joey]

Yeah, take a big fat one.

[Frank]

Just take a drum.

[Joey]

If it. If it. What are you doing?

[Ant]

I probably have to bargain with it now. If it's.

[Frank]

Is it like every toilet speaks? Because then I'll just get a. Now use another bathroom for crunk.

[Ant]

Every one of your toilets in your house.

[Joey]

So I have to go outside of my house?

[Ant]

You'd have to go outside your house.

[Joey]

What if I.

[Frank]

Hell no.

[Joey]

What if I wore headphones and I couldn't hear the screams?

[Frank]

You muffled the screams.

[Joey]

That's so fucked up. Please stop shitting. I have to.

[Frank]

For some reason, this is reminding me of Human Centipede, which sucks.

[Joey]

Which it does remind you. Well, that makes sense.

[Frank]

That movie sucks all three of them.

[Joey]

Which. Which one? Would you rather be the front. Oh, if you couldn't.

[Frank]

What kind of question is that?

[Joey]

That's an easy question. I guess.

[Ant]

You might as well be the middle.

[Joey]

Might as well. That's the worst, brother. Actually, is it the worst?

[Frank]

Yeah. What do you mean, is it? Yeah, it is end.

[Joey]

You're just. You're just eating shit.

[Frank]

Yeah. And in the middle you're eating it and you're fucking getting your shit licked.

[Joey]

Sounds pretty something.

[Frank]

Oh, so you're taking it like someone's eating your shit.

[Joey]

I mean, I just don't know which. Which is better. Obviously the first is what you want.

[Frank]

I mean, I don't want to be anywhere on a human centipede, thanks. Let's make that abundantly clear, Bhagok. I would rather, if I had to though, I'd be the front.

[Joey]

Yeah, yeah, but I'm saying you can't be that one, obviously.

[Frank]

That's so miserable.

[Joey]

Maybe the last one is the best because you don't have your butt sewn.

[Frank]

I mean, then you're eating how many ever people are in front of you's crap, dude.

[Joey]

Should we just kill the guy who thought of this? Yeah, it's kind of fucking insane.

[Frank]

We should haunt him.

[Joey]

Haunt.

[Frank]

Haunt.

[Joey]

I mean, I can't. Or can I?

[Frank]

That was really good.

[Joey]

You like that?

[Frank]

That was really good. I'll. I'll give him bad eggs. Can I make eggs?

[Joey]

Yeah, dude. Chickens make eggs, not roosters. Are you a rooster, though?

[Frank]

I am not a cock.

[Joey]

Right, you're just.

[Frank]

Just a. I'm just.

[Joey]

Oh, no, it's hens and roosters.

[Frank]

Hens and roosters.

[Joey]

So what's a chicken? Is that.

[Frank]

I think that's the genus. That's the brand. That's the brand.

[Joey]

So it's. It's. Yeah, it's.

[Frank]

That's the model. No, that's the make. The model would be hens or roosters.

[Joey]

Right?

[Frank]

You know.

[Joey]

Yeah, chickens. Like the Ford.

[Frank]

I'm falling apart over here.

[Joey]

What do you mean?

[Frank]

I'm in pain. Why? I'm hot. I am uncomfortable.

[Joey]

You're hot? Then you code you. Yes.

[Frank]

Then you know you're in, then you're out. You're up, then you're gone.

[Joey]

What's that song? That's the song about Katy Perry. Oh, no, that's a different one. Where she's like, I was making out chicks.

[Frank]

That's. I kiss a girl and I like it.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

That was her second hit. Hot and cold. Yes and no. In, out, up, down, Wrong. Right. Black, white, fight, break up, kiss, make up.

[Joey]

Right. Yeah. That's a great song. Because it's opposites.

[Frank]

It's. Yeah. Cuz she's saying like, I can't read you, dude.

[Joey]

Antonyms.

[Frank]

If I can't read you. Justin Trudeau, right?

[Joey]

Yeah, that's her guy now.

[Frank]

Yeah. They're dating.

[Joey]

That's good.

[Frank]

Good for them.

[Joey]

Good for them.

[Frank]

People are like. They. People are like. Do they like Katy Perry again?

[Joey]

They hated her for something. I did see a video.

[Frank]

Didn't like she went to Space.

[Joey]

Oh, yeah, she did go to that. She was like, allegedly went to space. Did they go to space?

[Frank]

Oh, boy.

[Joey]

I don't know.

[Frank]

That's what we're doing. That's what we're doing here.

[Joey]

I did see a video of Katy Perry recently at her concert. She tried to do like a running slide. Didn't go anywhere. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, I dislocated a nail. Pull it off. She tried to. She tried to. Hello. She tried to do a like A. Not a baseball slide, but like a. Like a soccer slide. Like on your knees.

[Frank]

Oh, wow.

[Joey]

That and her knees just stopped dead in the trash.

[Frank]

And she just went straight forward.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

That's bad. I don't know why, like, people were like, all in on Katy Perry. And then I think, like, ever since the super bowl, people were just like.

[Joey]

No, I thought they fucked her at the Super Bowl.

[Frank]

After. I'm saying, after the Super Bowl.

[Joey]

Oh.

[Frank]

And then they were just like, no, no, no. Katy Perry.

[Joey]

I don't know.

[Frank]

And now people don't like her. I have nothing against Katy Perry.

[Joey]

That was like one of my biggest crushes growing up.

[Frank]

California girls.

[Joey]

My God, I was a man after seeing that.

[Frank]

You became a man after you. Yeah, I mean, she's got.

[Joey]

She's got strawberry shortcake tits and she's shooting cream out of them. I mean, how is this even allowed on tv?

[Frank]

Yeah, it was basically softcore porn.

[Joey]

Soft. I mean, I'll tell you, you went hardcore.

[Frank]

You went hardcore on that.

[Joey]

Yeah, I did.

[Frank]

Oh, come on. Come on. Your hair, your. Your wig is starting to fall back.

[Joey]

Don't.

[Frank]

You're good. You're good. Yeah.

[Joey]

And then who's your first, like, crush? Oh, no, it's Christina Richie.

[Frank]

I'm talking about, like, Christina Richie and Casper. Give me all of them, like, growing up. I mean, Trish Stratus was in there pretty early on. Okay. A lot of wrestling ones early on. Trish Stratus.

[Joey]

Let's skip those.

[Frank]

Okay, man. I mean, Kimberly, the Pink Power Ranger.

[Joey]

Ah.

[Frank]

You know, she was up there. Katy Perry was there at a certain point. You know, she got there eventually.

[Joey]

I remember you liking Taylor Swift.

[Frank]

I think I did, I did. I like Taylor Swift. I think she's a pretty woman.

[Joey]

I think that you said to me, I can, like, recall you saying to me, you were like, she's very. She's such a pretty person.

[Frank]

Yeah, I fully. I still stand by that.

[Joey]

I remember that.

[Frank]

I think she's a very pretty person.

[Joey]

Did you have who your celebrity crushes?

[Frank]

Natalie Portman was up there.

[Joey]

Ooh, I like Natalie.

[Frank]

I like Natalie Portman. I think she's a very good looking woman.

[Ant]

Avril Lavigne was very.

[Frank]

Whoa.

[Joey]

Skateboarding.

[Frank]

That's a. That's a different one.

[Joey]

And then you like the girls that wear ties.

[Ant]

It was cool.

[Frank]

And checkered. Checkered socks.

[Joey]

Yeah. And just like, I don't give a fuck.

[Frank]

How many times you. How many times did you get horny going into a Hot Topic?

[Joey]

Oh, man, probably countless. Oh, a couple times.

[Frank]

You were Walking in and you were.

[Joey]

Just like on your birthday you went to Paxon.

[Ant]

They're just Spencers. Anyone who worked at Spencer's, essentially.

[Joey]

Yeah, that's Frank's dream location.

[Frank]

Hold on, hold on.

[Joey]

He tried to book a Spencer's for his wedding.

[Frank]

I did not.

[Ant]

What is it?

[Frank]

Oh, I liked Spencer's when I was a teenager because they had a lot of prank stuff and as a young adult because they had a lot of drinking paraphernalia.

[Joey]

Oh.

[Frank]

So who else?

[Ant]

And I Think Spy Kids 3.

[Frank]

The Alexa Vega.

[Ant]

Is that the one that's in the game? That's not. Spoiler not real.

[Joey]

Huh?

[Frank]

Like the spoiling. The spike is 3D.

[Ant]

The one. You know what I'm talking about that girl.

[Joey]

I've never seen Spy Kids.

[Frank]

You know I'm talking about Emily Osment.

[Ant]

No, I don't think that's Emily Osmond.

[Frank]

I think she's in Spy Kids 2. 3.

[Joey]

Wait, you liked a digital woman?

[Ant]

I guess too deep of a cut. Oh, it was a real person. But it was like in the game. It turns out she's not a real player. You know, either way.

[Joey]

Oh, so they did like a Sixth Sense thing. Yeah, Spike. They did.

[Ant]

They did do a Six Sense thing.

[Joey]

Wow. Did you cry? Like, was it sad?

[Ant]

It did make me think like.

[Frank]

Oh, all right.

[Ant]

Well, I might as well not now.

[Frank]

Because might not like her. She's not a real person. A real person.

[Ant]

I was a. I was confused.

[Frank]

You saw no value in her because she was not a real person.

[Joey]

Right. Well, if I can't have her, I.

[Frank]

Can'T have her then. And who cares about.

[Joey]

What's the point of even.

[Frank]

Like what's the point of even giving a. About this fake ass woman?

[Joey]

Yeah, well, that was your kind of your introduction to Anime Hentai. Technically, yeah, yeah.

[Frank]

What was fake? Whatever.

[Ant]

Well, it was like a real actor.

[Joey]

No, I know.

[Frank]

We know.

[Ant]

Okay.

[Frank]

But you immediately saw no value in them because you couldn't see yourself with them. Shego. Shego. Hell yeah. Okay, Kim. Possible guy with taste. That's right. Also, who was the one from Danny Phantom?

[Joey]

I don't know.

[Ant]

I know you're talking about. That was also kind of gothy.

[Frank]

Yeah, I guess you were into the goths.

[Joey]

I was really into Roxanne from Goofy.

[Ant]

Movie, but I thought that's base level. Like that doesn't count.

[Joey]

That was like my dream.

[Frank]

Yeah, I mean that's everybody, you know? I mean, I'll tell you this, as a nine year old boy, first time I watched who Framed Roger Rabbit.

[Joey]

Holy hell.

[Frank]

Come on. I mean, I was. That woke up a whole new side of me. When I saw Jessica Rabbit.

[Joey]

Jessica Rabbit, though, I was kind of like, I could never handle that. Like, that's old.

[Frank]

You were thinking that way.

[Joey]

I was thinking, like, that's so much woman. She'll fucking kill me. She'll probably never like me.

[Frank]

I remember like, on like the special features of that dvd, it was like, oh, my God. She was drawn to, like, be able to not walk. Like, she, like, physics would not allow this person to walk. Yeah.

[Ant]

What about Tinkerbell? Is that weird?

[Frank]

It is because I think technically it's a child.

[Joey]

Well, they all were trialed and we were child.

[Frank]

No, I think Tinkerbell.

[Joey]

I don't know.

[Ant]

Roxanne wasn't an adult woman.

[Joey]

She was in high school.

[Frank]

I think it's very fair.

[Joey]

She was older than me, though. Oh, my God. Lola Bunny.

[Frank]

Yeah, Lola Bunny and Space Jam.

[Joey]

I mean, damn.

[Frank]

Joey saw her fucking hit one three pointer and he was all in.

[Joey]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Frank]

I don't know. I would have to like, really find one of the first Patreon episodes that we ever did together. We went through like childhood crushers.

[Joey]

Did we?

[Frank]

Yeah, it was old, old, old. We might want to revisit.

[Joey]

Have you ever hear the thing about the hear me out, hear me out cake?

[Frank]

Yeah, we never did that.

[Ant]

I was about to ask if you guys ever done one.

[Frank]

No. We can do a hear me out cake.

[Joey]

Do you have any that you're like, oh, this is probably a weird one, but I like them.

[Frank]

I'm sure if I sat and I really committed to coming up with some, I can. The only one I could think off the top of my head. So we don't give it away because we'll do it for Patreon episode the Dragon from Shrek.

[Ant]

That's a good one.

[Joey]

She had crazy eyelashes.

[Frank]

Those hips, dude, hips.

[Joey]

Oh, she does shake her ass.

[Frank]

She wags that. Wags that shit.

[Joey]

She kind of does.

[Frank]

She's got a fucking full crapped in diaper of a butt.

[Joey]

Is that good? That must be good then.

[Ant]

Mrs. Puff.

[Frank]

Mrs. Puff. Mrs.— Puff. That's a crazy one. Oh, you're horny.

[Ant]

That's a good one. It's a good hear me out.

[Joey]

I don't. Yo. You know, it's kind of crazy.

[Frank]

Joey's gonna come up with hear me outs that are just like drawn good looking characters. Like they need to be like, hear me out. This might seem a little crazy.

[Joey]

Is all right. So I mean, is this a crazy one? If I say Sandy Cheeks.

[Ant]

No, no, I don't think it's crazy. Like, would Nala, like. That's a lion.

[Frank]

No, that's. That's an obvious.

[Ant]

But it's a lion, you know, so that's a good. Hear me out.

[Frank]

No, no, that's an obvious one, dude. Nala, when she does the, like the eyes, like she looks at Simba. What?

[Joey]

I don't know. That made me laugh. You're referencing a specific point.

[Frank]

Hear me out.

[Ant]

We should do it. We could do a Hear me out cake.

[Frank]

Yeah, let's do a hear me out cake Patreon episode within the next couple weeks.

[Joey]

Mine rip, by the way, but mine used to be Diane Keaton. Not that she's like a Hear me out.

[Frank]

Yo. You know what's crazy is we w. Beck and I last night watched First Wives Club. I was watching that movie. Diane Keaton reminds me a lot of your mom. She's got like a regal, like royalty to her.

[Joey]

Diane Keaton or my mom?

[Frank]

Both.

[Joey]

They're regal.

[Frank]

Yeah. I think your mom has like a regal beauty to her. And so did Diane Keaton.

[Joey]

Wow. Well, now I feel weird talking about how I really liked her in that movie.

[Ant]

Yeah, I didn't help that. It was just Hear me out.

[Frank]

Yeah, I mean, it's okay.

[Joey]

It's on my. Hear me out. Because I think that she was a great looking woman.

[Ant]

Right?

[Joey]

But I, as a young person, I saw. What's that movie called with her and Jack Nicholson.

[Frank]

Something's Got to Give. Something's Got to Give or as Good as It Gets.

[Joey]

I was like, I'm attracted to this woman.

[Frank]

Yeah, Let it fly.

[Joey]

There was another one that I was really into an older woman.

[Frank]

I was like, God, I think Susan Sarandon is a. Is a good looking woman.

[Joey]

Susie C. That's another good one.

[Frank]

No, no C. Anywhere in her name.

[Joey]

Susie C. Reindian. Frank, you're not listening. You know I like Maggie Smith. Damn Maggie smith.

[Frank]

Oh, that's McGonagall R.I.P.

[Joey]

Yeah. Like fucking secret garden, dude. I was like, chill.

[Frank]

You wanted her to go in your secret garden.

[Joey]

I wanted to. Well, what's that mean?

[Frank]

You wanted her to eat your butt.

[Joey]

Oh, I wasn't necessarily thinking all that. Yeah, not the deeds of that.

[Frank]

But you didn't get that far into it.

[Joey]

No, no, no. But I was thinking about gardens. I love that movie because they have, like one of those old keys.

[Frank]

I love old keys, dude.

[Joey]

And like, look at my hand. Like, imagine I had my hand on a key and I was able to.

[Frank]

Look like, dude, that's Terrifying.

[Joey]

I know.

[Frank]

That's a really scary picture.

[Ant]

I do wish we had a very old key that you could just hold.

[Joey]

I wish I had a key. Or a lantern.

[Frank]

What are you doing here, you kids? You know, that would be scary. Dude, you're actually scary. Yeah, you're actually really scary.

[Joey]

Thank you.

[Frank]

You're, like, not like most girls. You're, like, really scary.

[Joey]

You're really cool.

[Frank]

You're, like, cool, but also, like, really spooky.

[Joey]

The thing about me is that, like, I actually like football.

[Frank]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Beer, please.

[Joey]

Beer, please.

[Frank]

Buffalo wings make them filthy.

[Joey]

Make it. Get me a Michelob Ultra. And get me a golf club in my hand. Yeah.

[Frank]

Excuse me. I asked for mozzarella sticks, not a salad, sir.

[Joey]

You'Re hungry.

[Frank]

I am very hungry. Very, very hungry. That popcorn did nothing for me.

[Joey]

You ate two pieces of chicken. What do chickens eat?

[Frank]

Grains, Worms.

[Joey]

Worms.

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

I look like I eat worms?

[Frank]

You look like you live with the worms.

[Joey]

I honestly would eat a worm. I think not at. No, no.

[Ant]

You can't be saying that.

[Joey]

I think, like, no, because when I. I've held worms and I'm like, I don't like this. And, like, they look like they would have a juice, you know?

[Frank]

I mean, I think you can. If you cleaned up an earthworm really good, I think Joey would eat it, bro.

[Joey]

What an existence for worms. What is that?

[Frank]

Circle of life, baby. They eat the dirt, they die. They supply the dirt and they die and they eat it again.

[Joey]

That's probably not how the circle goes, but same with us.

[Frank]

Yeah.

[Joey]

Do you ever hear those things? It's like, people die and then they use their body as, like, fertilizer.

[Frank]

Yeah. There's things that you could do when you die. You get put into, like, a pod and a tree grows from you. I think that's pretty cool.

[Joey]

I think that's fucking fire.

[Frank]

I think that's really cool.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

I heard Neil DeGrasse Tyson say, like, you die, you get cremated. The fire that is used to burn you energy goes out into space, and your energy is one with the universe. That's fine. I want Neil Degrasse Tyson to talk at my funeral. If he makes it. If he makes it.

[Joey]

Dude, we should.

[Frank]

Do me a favor.

[Joey]

Can we get Neil in here and ask him some questions about, like.

[Frank]

Let's get Neil in here. We need Neil in here.

[Joey]

Neil.

[Frank]

Neil. Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Neil, get in here. Neil. Come on. Neil. Neil, get back. Neil, get down here. I say. I say, neil, come in here and tell Us about the stars and the planet. Neil. Don't make me tell you again. Get fucking down here right now, Neil. Neil's from the Bronx, so he might come in here and just start being like, yo, don't fucking talk shit about me, bitch.

[Joey]

I'm not talking shit.

[Frank]

I want to get fucking Neil in here bringing a little, I think, yo, Neil. Call Neil, Neil.

[Joey]

Neil.

[Frank]

You look like those women that do, like, the husband calling competitions at, like, the Iowa State Fair. Robert, Robert, Robert.

[Joey]

Who's going in that? Iowans competing and who's putting it together.

[Frank]

Iowans that have nothing better to do.

[Joey]

Is it Iowa?

[Frank]

I think it is Iowa. They're also the ones that have, like, the. The. The pig calling one.

[Joey]

Those are great. They're good. They're good. That one woman was great at.

[Frank]

They're good. But also, I get such an ick seeing those. They're like.

[Joey]

Yeah, yeah.

[Frank]

And I'm sitting there as a chicken. Like, call me.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Like, no one's calling the chickens.

[Joey]

Fucking call the chicken, man.

[Frank]

Like, call me over.

[Joey]

Damn, dude. You do, like, a little fucking.

[Frank]

I can do jazz number. I can melodize. Melodify. Melodify dies. Melodize melodies. What is.

[Joey]

Ain't any of that.

[Frank]

Calling a chicken, right? Give me a song.

[Joey]

No.

[Frank]

Any song.

[Ant]

You're gonna sing it like a chicken.

[Frank]

Like, if I'm calling a chicken so.

[Joey]

Like, Burned by Usher. I mean. I mean, if this isn't the most talented and the most unbelievable.

[Frank]

You don't know what talents you got until you use them.

[Joey]

That's a chicken.

[Frank]

Chicken, too.

[Joey]

Yo, you ever stare at a pigeon and go, what is that?

[Frank]

What the. Or when people do that with the. They hold a chicken. They do that. I love it.

[Joey]

I love that their head doesn't move.

[Frank]

Do you think you can hold me like that and I won't move my head?

[Joey]

No. I do sometimes will stare at pigeons, and I'm like, I. I don't. Like, they need to relax. Like, why can't you.

[Frank]

Chickens are too worked up.

[Joey]

Move your head like this.

[Frank]

Chickens are too worked up. Chickens. We know.

[Joey]

Maybe we should feed them, like, cbd. Ooh.

[Frank]

Give chickens like weed.

[Joey]

I was talking about pigeons.

[Frank]

Oh, sure. Yeah.

[Joey]

Chickens are mad aggressive with the way that they eat. I fed a chicken before, and it hurt. Yeah. It's like, bro, you'll get it. I'm right here.

[Frank]

They're a little worried, Joey. They don't know. They're also.

[Joey]

They're mean.

[Frank]

They're also. Aren't they, like, famously stupid chickens? Yeah. Like, Famously dumb animals.

[Joey]

I don't know that. Yeah. I don't know any animals being smart except dolphins. Dolphins. Elephants and gorillas.

[Frank]

Yeah. Octopi are also, I believe, very smart.

[Joey]

Yo, do you remember that fucking documentary of the guy who wanted to fuck that octopus?

[Frank]

The octopus teacher. Everyone talked about it for, like, a year, and no one realized this guy was just horny to have sex with.

[Joey]

An office guy wanted to rail this octopus. He was like, oh, my God, I'm spending so much time.

[Frank]

Everyone's like, oh, my God, this thing is so. It's teaching me so much. Yo, his was hard the whole time.

[Joey]

He literally would go every single day into the water and spend, like, four hours.

[Frank]

No one spends that much time with something if they're not trying to have sex with it.

[Joey]

He literally had a whole family and was just leaving his family to go.

[Frank]

And, like, watch an octopus move in the water.

[Joey]

Yeah. And, like, I think that octopus in the water and in their natural habitat are really cool.

[Frank]

Really cool.

[Joey]

Changes, like colors and they kind of, you know, whatever. But, my God, go watch my octopus teacher on Netflix and you tell me that guy is.

[Frank]

Tell me he's not caked up for an octopus. Yeah, I mean, absolutely bricked like a.

[Joey]

How'd that end? Did the octopus die? And then he was like, sad.

[Frank]

I don't remember, but probably left his wife.

[Joey]

He's like, you'll never be an octopus.

[Frank]

Yeah, he probably got home and he was just like, honey, put this on. And it was just like, an octopus costume. And she's like, why? And he's like, it's for work.

[Joey]

You. You'll. You have six less arms than I'm comfortable with. See you later.

[Frank]

Crazy.

[Joey]

Anyway, you know why people get. Sometimes we like animals. Why did I say that?

[Frank]

Yeah, also, we. You completely took ownership of that.

[Joey]

Yeah.

[Frank]

Whatever.

[Joey]

There you go, folks. Hope you had a great Halloween. Well, it's coming up.

[Frank]

Halloween season is treating you well. We hope that our outfits, our costumes. You guys like.

[Joey]

Yeah. Inspector Gadget. That's not a Halloween song. Why? Wait, is that it?

[Frank]

I mean, that's not the words, but that is a. That is a song for Inspector Gadget.

[Joey]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I haven't seen that in so long. I got excited. What am I thinking of? Oh, the Addams Family.

[Frank]

The letter.

[Joey]

I'm gonna lose a nail, but yeah. Guys, thank you so much for your support on patreon. Go to patreon.combasemyard for that. Go follow the show at the basement yard on all social platforms. Frank and pizza.

[Frank]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Joey]

Good Lord.

[Frank]

What do I. What was happening? We're out here.

[Joey]

Oh, my God.

[Frank]

Over the day.

[Joey]

Oh.

[Ant]

Cowabunga. Damn it.

[Joey]

Pizza.

[Frank]

Yeah, pizza.

[Ant]

It's Cowabunga. Just.

[Joey]

You want to give it one more turn?

[Ant]

No.

[Joey]

Okay.

[Ant]

I don't deserve it.

[Joey]

Well, I don't deserve it. Well, that is all for this week's episode, folks. Hope you enjoyed. We'll see you next time.