21: Vault: She Let Her Boyfriend Believe She Was Jewish for Six Months

Summary

The Bert Show – Episode 21: "Vault: She Let Her Boyfriend Believe She Was Jewish for Six Months"

Date: May 15, 2026
Featuring: Bert (Host), Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Guests, and Callers
Main Theme:
A listener named Val calls in seeking advice after letting her boyfriend believe she was Jewish for six months—a white lie that snowballed, now culminating in a high-stakes Thanksgiving meet-the-parents scenario.

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into the comedic and anxiety-inducing situation of a listener, Val, who allowed a relationship white lie about her religious background to snowball. With Thanksgiving at her boyfriend's Jewish family’s house on the horizon, Val calls in to The Bert Show for advice (and a reality check) on whether she can keep up the charade—or if she should come clean.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Val's Dilemma: The Origin of the Lie

• [01:21] Val explains she met her boyfriend at a predominantly Jewish fundraising event. When asked if she was Jewish, she confirmed, somewhat offhandedly, believing their connection wouldn’t advance to something so serious.
• Quote:
  • Val ([01:30]): “He’s like, ‘You’re Jewish, right?’ And I just didn’t think … I just didn’t think. Anyway, … I’m Jewish, but I’m not really, you know, active in my faith. … And he says he’s the same way.”

2. Escalation: Thanksgiving with the Family

• [03:09] Val’s parents’ separation means she has no Thanksgiving plans. Her boyfriend, wanting to include her, invites her to his parents’. On speakerphone, he excitedly tells his mother, “Guess what? This one’s Jewish.”
• Quote:
  • Val ([04:01]): “Before I could say yes or no, he called his mother and put her on speakerphone. It’s like, ‘Hey, my girlfriend Val’s coming to Thanksgiving and guess what? This one’s Jewish.’”

3. The Panel’s Reaction: Can She Pull This Off?

• The hosts express skepticism and a mix of concern and humor.
  • [04:44] Bert jokes about learning Judaism like a language: “Isn’t there like a Rosetta Stone Jewish version that you could—”
  • Kristin chimes in: “It’s not a language, it’s a religion.”
• They highlight real risks—family expectations, questions about temple, possible dietary customs.

4. Advice Callers Weigh In

• [05:07] Alex: “This girl’s screwed, man. … As soon as she [the mom] finds out she’s a gentile, … the relationship is completely done.”
  • Suggests using key Yiddish words: “Say mazel tov. And you know, oy vey, oy vey through the evening.”
• [08:05] Natalie: Offers reassurance from her experience in a less strict Jewish family: “Everybody is scaring her … she could just say they’re not practicing strict Jewish people.”

5. Practical Coping Strategies (and Jokes)

• [06:25] The hosts riff about common Jewish traditions, sharing advice on generic answers (“Say Beth Shalom, Sandy Springs.”)
• [07:37] Attempting to clarify “kosher,” Val says, “That’s like, cool, right? Like, oh, that shirt, that’s kosher?”
  • Kristin: “Oh, no, it doesn’t mean, everything.”
• [08:18] Panic and humor escalate as the team discusses dietary laws and family expectations.

6. Should She Go or Come Clean?

• [06:51, 09:56] Divergent recommendations:
  • Bert: “I say bail. I say bail. And don’t even deal with it, man.”
  • Ben (caller): “I feel like you should go, 100% Val, go. … I think you can pull it off.”
• The panel converges on the only plausible dodge: admit Jewish ancestry but claim little to no religious knowledge or upbringing.

7. Revealing the Emotional Toll

• [11:21] Val admits: “The only thing that is giving me any sort of feeling of ick is the fact that I lied to him at the very beginning.”
  • Bert ([11:34]): “It’s not making you feel ick, it’s making you feel verklempt.”

8. Relationship Future: What Happens Next?

• [11:40] The hosts caution if the relationship gets serious, Val will likely have to fess up and seek forgiveness from the boyfriend’s family.
  • Quote:
    • Host: “You need to be as charming so that she [the mom] doesn’t want to lose you as a person when you end up having to fess up.” ([11:55])

9. Finale: A Cliffhanger

• [12:00] Bert confirms they’ll check in on Monday for an update:
  • Quote:
    • Bert: “We gotta talk to you on Monday morning and find out how this whole thing concluded, okay?”
    • Val: “Okay. Thanks, guys.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bert ([02:23]): “Well, so long as the blood is Jewish. He’s thinking, it doesn’t matter if she’s active, it’s still Jewish blood, so it’s cool to hang out with.”
• Alex (caller) ([05:17]): “I’m a gay Jew, so I’m gonna hook you up real quick. … Say mazel tov. … oy vey through the evening.”
• Kristin ([04:53]): “It’s not a language, it’s a religion.”
• Bert ([06:51]): “You’re screwed.”
• Val ([07:41]): “Is [kosher] when that’s … cool? … People use it like all the time. Like, ‘Oh yeah, that shirt, that’s kosher.’”
• Host (joking) ([09:04]): “Now you have to, within a few minutes of meeting the parents, you have to compliment their son’s circumcision.”
• Bert ([11:34]): “It’s not making you feel ick, it’s making you feel verklempt.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:21] – Val explains how the Jewish “white lie” started
• [03:09] – Escalation: Invitation to Thanksgiving with the boyfriend’s family
• [05:07] – Caller Alex’s advice: “Say oy vey, mazel tov, you’re screwed”
• [08:05] – Caller Natalie offers a less-strict Jewish family perspective
• [09:23] – Caller Ben says: “Go, Val, you can pull it off”
• [11:21] – Val shares her guilt and hosts analyze the future
• [12:00] – Plan to follow up with Val after the weekend

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

The mood is empathetic but irreverent, veering between genuine concern and hilarious banter. The hosts and callers combine pragmatic caution with tongue-in-cheek suggestions, underscoring the anxiety of social expectations and identity—while keeping things light.

For listeners:

• The show’s signature: blending real-life drama with humor and warmth.
• Relationship lies—even small ones—can spiral, especially around family and tradition.
• When in doubt, honesty (or at least a sincere “I don’t know much about my background”) might be safer than attempting to fake your way through another’s culture!
• And if you’re in a jam, there’s always The Bert Show to call.

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Next Episode Preview:
Will Val come clean or keep up the act? The crew promises a follow-up with Val to share what happened at Thanksgiving!

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

The spurt show alright, everybody's got stresses about Thanksgiving, man. Travel stresses. How you gonna get there? Wendy here is cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the first time.

[C]

That's stressful enough, but nothing like this girl. Apparently ye Val here is gonna need. I mean, I thought I had problems.

[B]

This is going to be an Academy Award performance. Hey, Val. Good morning. You're on the voice disguiser.

[D]

I am?

[B]

You are?

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Okay.

[E]

Hi.

[B]

Shalom,

[F]

Bert.

[C]

Your father, your fellow brethren.

[G]

Shalom.

[B]

So how long have you been going out with this dude now?

[D]

For about six months now.

[B]

Six months now. Okay, so why the initial need to lie to him and tell him that you're Jewish?

[D]

Well, we met at this fundraising event and it was a predominantly Jewish event and we just really hit off and you know, he is really hot. So I don't think I was in the right mind not to totally defend myself, but it was just kind of off the cuff. He's like, you're Jewish, right? And I was like, mm, you know, and I just didn't think, you know, this was going to be, I don't know, I just didn't think. Anyway, we just, ever since then it's been like kind of a. We haven't really discussed it because, you know, it was like one of those things where I was just like, oh, well, I'm Jewish, but I'm not really, you know, active in my, in my faith. It's like my family is, but I'm not. And he says he's the same way.

[B]

Well, so long as the blood is Jewish. He's thinking, it doesn't matter if she's active, it's still Jewish blood, so it's cool to hang out with.

[F]

That is hilarious because how many times have people. And I'll throw this on guys. I mean, guys always get creative in trying to get the girl. And there are times that guys have lied about their profession or lie, you know, and here you didn't go into it with a deliberate lie. But it was a reaction, but it's

[C]

just like you just want to fit in.

[F]

It's had to last six months and now it's catching up with you because

[C]

you gotta go see the family. It's like saying you want to go to the new hottest restaurant. Oh yeah, I've been there. Of course, Melissa.

[B]

Even though you've never been there, she

[C]

just wanted to fit in.

[B]

So hasn't it come up like on Jewish holidays? Because there seems to be like a Jewish holiday twice a week or something like that. Like has. Doesn't it come up like on Jewish holidays or he hasn't called you out on it at all?

[D]

Well, like, apparently, you know, his. See, he. I guess like the bigger holidays were like in like September or something and he was really, really busy with work and so it wasn't like necessary for him or he couldn't go home for them. So. But the problem now is that my whole family has completely like fallen apart. Like my parents are getting separated, so Thanksgiving is just not happening. So he felt really bad for me because all the stuff that's been going on, he's like, come to my parents house for Thanksgiving. And then before I could say yes or no, he called his mother and put her on speakerphone. It's like, hey, Matt, my girlfriend Val's coming to Thanksgiving and guess what? This one's Jewish.

[C]

So he thinks you are the first girl he's dated that's Jewish.

[B]

So it's probably been. It's probably been like a source of tension that she wants him to date Jewish girls, but he doesn't. And now she's gonna be excited cause he's bringing home a nice Jewish girl

[F]

and he's trying to be sweet because your family, he doesn't want you to have a depressing Thanksgiving.

[G]

So when do you head home

[D]

to go? Tomorrow night.

[B]

So you're spending the whole four days there?

[D]

Yeah. And I just don't know, like. And this is. And I hope I don't sound pretty. I am pretty ignorant, but I just don't understand. Like, there's a lot of customs and cultures.

[G]

That's why you called.

[B]

Mer, can't you. Well, I mean, because I'm a little busy the next day, but isn't there like a Rosetta stone Jewish version that you could.

[C]

Well, it's not a language, it's a religion.

[G]

Back on the rad.

[D]

Honestly, if there was.

[C]

It's not a language.

[B]

Yiddish. You can learn Yiddish in just 48 hours.

[C]

All she needs to know is Hanukkah. Just know when that is.

[B]

Hey, Alex. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[E]

Hey, this girl's screwed, man. I mean, it's a Jewish mom. As soon as she finds out that she's a gentile, I mean, she's just done for. I mean, does this girl know any Yiddish or anything to throw in there?

[B]

You don't know anything, do you?

[E]

Okay, honey, you're gonna have to say, I mean, I'm a gay Jew, so I'm gonna hook you up real quick. Okay? So here's Linda Richmond for you. You need to at least say I four times during the conversation. Soon as you meet the woman, say mazel tov. And you know, oy vey, oy vey through the evening. I don't know. But I mean, you're just setting yourself up for disaster here. Because when she finds out you're a gentile, I will make sure that. I mean, that woman will make sure the relationship is completely done via.

[B]

Well, it sounds like he has been dating non Jews his whole life. And that's why the mom's all excited that he's finally bringing a Jewish woman home, you know?

[E]

Well, I mean, that's just not the way to set things up there. I'm telling you, she said herself up for failure there. She just needed to tell him that she's a gentile and she has no problem with Jews and she knows how to make some good matzo balls.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I think that you should entirely bail on the weekend. I gotta be honest with you. Because there's no way she's so excited that you're Jewish. As soon as you walk in the door, she's gonna bombard you with, like, Jewish questions that you can't answer.

[G]

What kind of Jewish questions are you going to get bombarded with?

[B]

Where do you go to temple?

[G]

And you say.

[B]

You say Beth Shalom.

[G]

No, just say Beth Shalom, Sandy Springs.

[B]

You're screwed.

[F]

Yeah, I agree. I think the fact that the Yiddish is going to be thrown around, I think that you got it difficult.

[G]

Google Yiddish. Yiddish. Hang on. Slang.

[C]

Just bring the Black Eyed Peace song in and they say mazel tov a couple times.

[B]

You're screwed.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then to get to get to. And then he's going to find out in front of his parents for the first time. You must not go this. This Thanksgiving. You have to avoid it altogether or come clean to him before you leave.

[F]

Then the kosher. And then what you put together and then what you fix together. I mean, there's. There's all kinds of customs that you're going to violate when you're there.

[G]

You don't have to cook him and do what he does. You are fine.

[B]

You can't pull this off.

[G]

No, I think it's so much more strict if they're doing the whole. If they're strict and they're doing the kosher and the separate plate sets and the separate dishwashers and whatnot, you get behind him in the food line and you do what he does, and you don't mix your stuff on the plate.

[B]

No, no. Abort mission.

[G]

You know what kosher is, right?

[D]

Is it when that's accept, it's, like, cool. Like, you know, I said. Oh, you know, like. Well, no, no. People. People use it, like, all the time. Like, it's like, oh, yeah, that shirt, that's kosher.

[C]

Oh, no, it doesn't mean everything.

[G]

Now you cannot go.

[F]

I want her to go.

[B]

Hey, Natalie, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[E]

Hi.

[D]

I just wanted to chime in and say that everybody is scaring her. You guys are scaring her. I come from a Jewish family, and they are not strict. And so she could just say that they're not practicing strict Jewish people.

[F]

Well, let me ask you a question. If he feels the need to first, when he first meets her, ask her if she's Jewish, and then immediately on the phone with his mom, say, this one's Jew. I mean, like, don't you think that that family's a little more strict than yours? Might be.

[D]

It could be. But then, you know, she doesn't need to know all the details. Yeah, she knows about Hanukkah.

[B]

So, Natalie, it's possible that if she walks in the door and Mom's all excited that she's Jewish. If she just says, yes, I'm Jewish by blood, but my parents didn't really raise me with Hebrew school or anything like that.

[D]

Exactly.

[B]

Then she could pull it off me,

[D]

because that's what happened to me.

[G]

I think now you have to, within a few minutes of meeting the parents, you have to compliment their son's circumcision. That's Jewish.

[H]

That's Jewish custom.

[C]

Say everything's kosher with the circumcision.

[F]

No, see, the doctors did a great job on your circumcision.

[C]

It's not doctors.

[F]

I mean, the Rabb. I'm a gentile.

[B]

You're not allowed to go either.

[F]

Gentiles. The doctors do it.

[B]

Hey, Ben.

[E]

Yeah, hey.

[B]

Hey, We've got Val here. She's been going out with this guy for six months, and pretty much Lying to him that she's Jewish. And now she's going over to his parents house for the first time. It's Thanksgiving and there's no way she can pull this off, right?

[E]

Oh, yeah, there's 100%. I feel like she should go. 100%, Val, go. The mother will be so excited that her son finally brought home a. A Jewish girl. There's no way she's gonna bombard you with questions that you can't answer. I think you should 100% go. And I don't know, you can pull it off. I feel like you can do it.

[B]

Your only defense really is what I. What really is my history is to say that, yeah, both of my parents are Jewish, but they never made me go to Hebrew school and I don't know anything about the religion at all. So it's my blood, but I just don't know anything about it. If you say that, I think that's the only way out.

[F]

And then if you ask her questions and want to learn from her, then you can develop a relationship with her.

[D]

Yeah, but at the same time, I'm worried that if it's like, you know, a lie in general, I mean, gosh, I know I lied.

[F]

You've been lying the whole time.

[D]

Yeah, but it wasn't like, hey, on a daily basis, you're Jewish, right? Yeah, sure. You know, it was more like just the first time we met and we never really. We've never really discussed it other than the fact that we both, you know, aren't active at all in our faith. It's more cultural.

[G]

You know, you should make a lot. I was just gonna say you should get on the Internet and learn some, like, tell a lot of anti Jesus jokes and like anti Christian Jewish people.

[C]

That's great advice, Jeff.

[G]

Anti Christian jokes.

[F]

That's what they sit around and do

[G]

all day and then. Yeah, and comments like that. And then every now and again just reference Israel in Gaza and just throw those in there.

[B]

Like, don't listen to a word he said.

[F]

Oh my God. Anyway, how serious are you with the boyfriend? I mean, six months. You kind of have a feeling on how this may go, you know, he's awesome.

[D]

I mean, he's really awesome. The only thing that is giving me any sort of feeling of ick is the fact that I lied to him at the very beginning.

[B]

Sure.

[G]

It's not making you feel ick, it's making you feel verklempt.

[F]

The reason I ask is because if you think this is really a serious relationship and it's gonna really go down the serious path. I do think that if you go this weekend, you need to charm that mother as much as possible because you're gonna end up having to ask for her forgiveness before this is over with.

[B]

This is not starting off on a really good plan.

[F]

Yeah, so you need to be as charming so that she doesn't want to lose you as a person when you end up having to fess up.

[B]

Hey, Val, you know, we gotta talk to you on Monday morning and find out how this whole thing concluded, okay?

[D]

Okay. Thanks, guys.

[B]

All right. Good luck.

[D]

Take care.

[B]

I say bail. I say bail. And don't even deal with it, man.

[C]

You know what? Everything's gonna be kosher.

[B]

Everything's kosher, dude.

[G]

Especially that shirt you're wearing.

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