5: Vault: Bert & Jeff's Metrosexual Quiz!

Summary

---

The Bert Show: Vault – Bert & Jeff's Metrosexual Quiz!

Episode Date: February 10, 2026
Main Participants: Bert, Jeff, Show Moderator, Podcast Host
Theme: Lighthearted, self-deprecating exploration of "metrosexual" stereotypes among men, as Bert and Jeff go head-to-head in a humorous “Metrosexual Quiz.”

---

Episode Overview

In this re-visit to a classic Bert Show segment, Bert and Jeff face off to determine who is the more "metrosexual" among them. The episode is a playful examination of so-called "metrosexual" traits—habits and tendencies stereotypically associated with men who are perceived as particularly style or appearance-conscious. The cast discuss, banter, and debate their way through a quiz, offering listeners humor, candid admissions, and a peek into their personal routines.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Recap of Metrosexual Quiz So Far (01:30–02:14)

• Recaps previous day's quiz topics, such as:
  • Whether gay men flirt with them
  • Carrying "man-purses"
  • Concerns about designer socks
  • Hair and grooming routines
  • Use of spa services and borrowing products from the women in their lives
• Current score: 7–7 for both Bert and Jeff.

2. Reluctance & Honesty About Labels (02:14–02:51)

• Bert candidly expresses discomfort with the metrosexual label:
  • “No guy likes to be called a metrosexual, even if they have those tendencies...I hated answering these questions. It’s so emasculating.” (Bert, 02:14)
• Jeff maintains honesty amidst peer (and spouse) scrutiny.

3. Fun With Reflections & Vanity (03:15–05:01)

• Do they check themselves in car or store windows?
  • Both admit to at least glancing at reflections, though Bert clarifies it's just for self-maintenance, not vanity.
  • Jeff jokes about aging:
    • “Every morning when I get in the elevator and the elevator doors close and I can see myself in the reflective...I think, oh, my God, you are aging like you wouldn't believe with this job.” (Jeff, 03:54)
• Humorous asides about checking reflections in each other’s features:
  • “Sometimes, though, I look at my reflection in Bert's teeth and prove myself that way.” (Jeff, 04:55)

4. Blemishes & Grooming Anxiety (05:01–06:22)

• Both admit to freaking out over pimples or blemishes.
  • Bert shares a relatable struggle:
    • “I have this really nasty problem spot right...whenever it does, like it started to yesterday, you kinda freak out. I freak out.” (Bert, 05:40)
  • “When you do get it, God, the satisfaction is great, isn’t it?” (Jeff, 06:09)

5. Appearance Standards for Quick Errands (06:29–07:03)

• Question: Do you have to "look good" just to run to the store?
  • Bert: Admits feeling self-conscious and will put some effort in.
  • Jeff: “There’s some times where I’ll come back in from the store and [my wife will] say, ‘You left the house like that?’” (Jeff, 06:44)
  • Point for Bert only.

6. Outfit Planning & Trend Consciousness (07:03–08:41)

• Do they visualize outfits beforehand?
  • Jeff sets out clothes for timing, but doesn't visualize.
  • Bert: No.
  • “Not before.” (Bert, 08:00)
• Do they follow fashion trends?
  • Bert is not trend-focused; Jeff says “not as much as I would like to,” but does care somewhat.

7. Giving Style Advice & Caring About Others' Opinions (08:41–09:10)

• Neither gives advice on others’ dress.
• Do they care what people think about their fashion?
  • Both: “Yeah.” (Bert, 09:09)

8. Brand Preferences (09:10–09:55)

• Shopping at Banana Republic, H&M, Abercrombie?
  • Both largely say no, with some gentle ribbing.
  • Bert: “Banana Republic doesn’t feel like a metrosexual store to me. Like a little boutiquey place.” (Bert, 09:45)

9. Final Score & Resolution (09:55–10:22)

• Quiz ends in a tie: Bert 11 – Jeff 11
  • “Just the fact that they’ve argued every single question. I think it’s appropriate that they tied at 11.” (Show Moderator, 09:55)
• Jeff jokes about a dance-off to break the tie, which is humorously thrown back as further proof of metrosexuality.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bert: “No guy likes to be called a metrosexual, even if they have those tendencies. No guy will say that...It’s so emasculating.” (02:14)
• Jeff: “Every morning when I get in the elevator and the elevator doors close...I think, oh, my God, you are aging like you wouldn't believe with this job. You're 30 going—I'm 56.” (03:54)
• Bert (on blemishes): “I have this really nasty problem spot...I freak out.” (05:40)
• Jeff: “When you do get it [the pimple], God, the satisfaction is great, isn’t it?” (06:09)
• Jeff (about running errands unkempt): “There’s some times where I’ll come back from the store and [my wife will] say, ‘You left the house like that?’” (06:44)
• Show Moderator (on the quiz tie): “Just the fact that they’ve argued every single question. I think it’s appropriate that they tied at 11.” (09:55)
• Jeff (on tiebreaker): “We’re either having a dance off...Because what straight guy would say, let’s dance off for it?” (10:08/10:10)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:30 – Quiz recap and current scores
• 02:14 – Bert reacts to metrosexual label
• 03:15 – Reflection and vanity discussion
• 04:55 – Joking about looking at reflections in each other
• 05:01–06:22 – Blemish freakouts and grooming
• 06:29 – How much they care about appearance for errands
• 07:03–08:41 – Outfit planning, fashion trends
• 08:41–09:10 – Giving advice and caring about others' opinions
• 09:10–09:55 – Shopping habits and brands debate
• 09:55–10:22 – Final scores, tie, and “dance-off” humor

---

Tone & Style

The tone is playful, irreverent, and self-aware. Both Bert and Jeff approach the sometimes-cringeworthy topic of “metrosexuality” with self-deprecating humor, candor, and camaraderie, making for relatable and entertaining listening.

---

In Summary

Listeners are treated to classic Bert Show banter as Bert and Jeff comically dissect their own grooming and lifestyle habits. Despite their initial reluctance, the duo offer up candid, funny, and at times, insightful admissions. Ultimately, both are declared equally “metrosexual”—and the journey there is full of laughs, debates, and memorable moments.

Transcript

[Rocket Money Advertiser]

Five years ago, I was paying $65 a month for my subscriptions. Today, those Same subscriptions cost $111, and I don't even use half of them anymore. That's why now I use Rocket Money to manage my subscriptions for me. The app gives you a list of all your subscriptions and reminds you of upcoming payments so you're not hit with any surprise charges. On top of that, it also sends you alerts when subscription prices go up, so you always know the price you're paying. If you decide you no longer want a subscription, you can cancel it right from the app. No customer service needed. And the best part is, Rocket Money even reaches out and tries to get you refunded for some of the money you lost. On average, people that cancel their subscriptions with rocket money save $378 a year, and overall, Rocket Money has saved its members $880 million in canceled subscriptions. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Go to RocketMoney.com Cancel to get started. That's RocketMoney.com Cancel RocketMoney.com Cancel.

[High Five Casino Advertiser]

High Five Casino is the top sweepstakes casino that's free to play. Sign up today to receive a free welcome bonus and exclusive first purchase offers. Choose the premium jackpot package for $29.99 and claim up to 700 gain coins, 55 sweeps coins, 1 sweeps coin daily bonus for 5 days, and 400 diamonds. Your high five moment [e-mail] no purchase necessary. Board where prohibited by law must be 21 years or older. Terms and Conditions App.

[Podcast Host]

Hey, the Bert show we're on a mission to see who's more metrosexual, Bert or Jeff, and we went through a string of questions yesterday and found out we're about 7 to 7. To quickly recap, yesterday, the questions were do gay men hit on you? Do you carry a purse? How do you feel about your socks as you read this? Do you know what color your socks are or what color socks you're wearing, and are they designer socks? So that was all kind of one. Do you wear tighty whities? Do you use more than one product in your hair, and do you refer to your hair products as products? Have you ever used hair removal services other than shaving, waxing, tweezing, laser or electrolysis? Do you receive spa services, manicures, pedicures, facials, and exfoliation? And do you borrow products from the women in your life?

[Bert]

No guy likes to be called a metrosexual, even if they have those tendencies. No guy will say that. Yeah. I am sorry. So that's why you have to go online and check out the quiz and have your guy take it. Because if he sees it in black and white, then he'll probably go, yeah, okay, now I get it. But I didn't. I hated answering these questions. It's so emasculating.

[Podcast Host]

You have to answer them honestly, too, because these are gonna be a little bit tough.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bert]

And I've got the truth. Warden listening.

[Podcast Host]

You mean your wife?

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

Yesterday she called up Jeff, is Jessica available?

[Jeff]

I'm honest. I don't. If we have any questions, I mean, you can call her, but I don't lie.

[Bert]

I mean, at this point, we both can admit at seven. Seven. If we got seven already. I mean, you can label both of us metrosexuals. I mean, that's done. I mean, it's not.

[Jeff]

I said we could have done that before. I just think the definition has changed. At this point, we're going to homosexual, homo, metrosexual. Have you ever made out with a man? That's gonna be the next question.

[Bert]

Oh, no.

[Jeff]

All right.

[Podcast Host]

Actually, the next question is, whenever you're outside, do you look at yourself in car windows? So door windows, et cetera? That's tr.

[Show Moderator]

I mean, point for Bert.

[Jeff]

I can say no, because. Might as well check yourself out.

[Bert]

Yeah, you want to make sure everything's like.

[Jeff]

Yeah, no, for grooming purposes. And I'll tell you, part of the reason I don't is the fear that somebody's on the other side of it. But as far, like, if you're talking about glancing, like, you know, seeing it as you walk by, that's fine. But I've never stopped in front of a window to.

[Bert]

Yeah, me neither. I'm talking about, like, looking at yourself as you're walking by.

[Podcast Host]

You check your hair. You just, like, you know, run your hand through your hair as you look in the reflection from the car window.

[Jeff]

Every morning when I get in the elevator and the elevator doors close and I can see myself in the reflective. I think, oh, my God, you are aging like you wouldn't believe with this job. You're 30 going, I'm 56.

[Bert]

I age every day between the second and fifth floors.

[Podcast Host]

Yes.

[Show Moderator]

So do they both get a point for that?

[Bert]

I mean, it's really. I don't think it's anything out of the ordinary. It's not like, stopping and going, okay, man, I look good today.

[Show Moderator]

What was the question again?

[Podcast Host]

It says, whenever you're outside, do you look at yourself in car windows or store windows, et cetera.

[Bert]

Not even a car window. Like a store window. I'd say. Yeah, okay, Jeff.

[Jeff]

I would say neither of us get a point for that if we're both on the same page. Like seeing yourself if you.

[Show Moderator]

If you have looked at yourself in a window or sometimes you can't help.

[Jeff]

It, like, what am I gonna do? Get in the elevator and face backwards?

[Show Moderator]

Well, it wasn't the elevator, but the only thing is, I think is this happened yesterday. They argue, every single one.

[Jeff]

Well, give us a point or don't give us each a point. It doesn't matter.

[Podcast Host]

Okay, all right.

[Jeff]

Just as long as we're both on the same page.

[Podcast Host]

They're equal on that one.

[Jeff]

Sometimes, though, I look at my reflection in Bert's teeth and prove myself that way.

[Bert]

And I And Jeff's glassy eye.

[Podcast Host]

Bert and Jeff, do you freak out if you see a pimple or blemish on your face?

[Jeff]

Now, are we talking about just a blemish or are we talking about.

[Show Moderator]

Oh, man, this is going to take.

[Jeff]

The rest of the show because I've actually had the moon implant itself in one of my pores and try to burst out of my face.

[Show Moderator]

The fact that they've both used cover up on blemishes, wouldn't that be a point?

[Bert]

Mine wasn't a blemish. My face was cut. It was at the.

[Jeff]

You mean your face was blemished?

[Bert]

It was cut. I mean, I had deep, deep cuts, almost requiring stitches.

[Jeff]

We each get a point. And I will say they each get.

[Podcast Host]

A point on that one.

[Bert]

I will take a yay on that just because I have this really nasty problem spot right. Right between my chin and my lip where this one whitehead always pops up. And whenever it does, like it started to yesterday, you kinda freak out. I freak out.

[Podcast Host]

Okay.

[Bert]

Yeah. So I'll go yeah on that one.

[Podcast Host]

Jeff said yeah too.

[Bert]

And it's like unpoppable.

[Jeff]

I hate that.

[Bert]

Yeah, it's like in a place that's just unpoppable.

[Podcast Host]

Let's not go there. Okay.

[Jeff]

No matter how much you squeeze and pinch and twist and I run razors over it.

[Bert]

Machete, lawnmower, everything, it won't go away.

[Jeff]

You're working on it so hard that when you stop working on it, you realize you're at half an inch from the mirror and you don't even know how you got that close, just drilling away at it. But then when you do get it, God, the satisfaction is great, isn't it?

[Bert]

Seriously, it's Relieving.

[Show Moderator]

You know what?

[Bert]

I've asked Stacey to cut me with a razor. Just do it like a boxer.

[Jeff]

Shoot it in the jaw. Okay, carry on.

[Podcast Host]

All right, next one. Do you have to, quote, look good just to go to the store?

[Jeff]

Oh, no.

[Bert]

I mean, I'll put a hat on.

[Podcast Host]

The answer's yes for you, isn't it?

[Bert]

I'd say probably. I'm self conscious about it.

[Jeff]

I say no to the point. And you can call Jessica on this one. There's some times where I'll come back in from the store and she'll say, you left the house like that.

[Podcast Host]

She's actually said she's reprimanded you.

[Jeff]

She said, you know, people know you in this town.

[Podcast Host]

Like, you really should have done something with yourself.

[Jeff]

Right?

[Podcast Host]

Okay, so point for Bert.

[Bert]

I'll give myself a point.

[Podcast Host]

No point for Jeff. Okay, here's where it's going to even score again, because I know what Jeff's answer is going to be on this one. Do you picture outfits in your head before you buy it or put it on?

[Jeff]

Explain that, though.

[Podcast Host]

Do you visualize outfits in your head? Like, if you're going to the store and you're like, I need to get some clothes for an event tonight. Like, in your mind, are you picturing the outfit in your head before you buy it? Or if you're getting ready and getting dressed in the morning before work or whatever, do you picture what the whole outfit is going to look like before you put it on?

[Jeff]

I don't think I do. Did you think I was gonna say yes?

[Podcast Host]

I thought you were an absolutely yes.

[Jeff]

I set my clothes out the night before. But that's a timing thing. But I would say probably at least 50% of the time, I will. Like, if we're going out to an event, I'll step out of the closet and Jessica, be like, those shoes, that shirt. And then I'll have to go back in and swap one of them. So I don't plan ahead to the point where we run late every time.

[Bert]

I'd say no to that also. Not before.

[Podcast Host]

I thought you would say no. I thought for sure Jeff was a yes on that one. Okay. Do you follow all the latest trends?

[Bert]

I don't really. I mean, that's such a broad question. What do you mean, do you follow the latest trends? Like, I mean, I know Jeff's a real gadgety guy.

[Podcast Host]

I think it means more fashion trends. That's how I presume that's my question was more fashion trends.

[Bert]

I'd say he's probably out of that one. Jeff, in a lot of cases, you guys could probably answer these better than we can.

[Jeff]

I would say not as much as I would like to, but I think you do.

[Podcast Host]

That response, that's a yes.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Podcast Host]

This one is actually interesting because I don't know. I don't know how you guys are gonna answer this one. Do you give advice to people on how to dress?

[Jeff]

No. No.

[Podcast Host]

Okay.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Although that sweat.

[Podcast Host]

Almost there.

[Show Moderator]

And let me just give a point update really quickly.

[Podcast Host]

Mm.

[Show Moderator]

Bert has 10 and Jeff has nine.

[Jeff]

Booyah. You are metrosexual.

[Bert]

It's not over yet, buddy.

[Podcast Host]

Close. It's almost over. Okay. Do you care about what other people think? And I would also refer this to your fashion.

[Bert]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

Okay. And the last one. Do you shop at stores such as Banana Republic, H and M, and Abercrombie and Fitch?

[Bert]

No.

[Jeff]

I thought you walked into an Abercrombie once and walked out because Chris Hansen started following you.

[Bert]

No, I'd say as. I mean, that was years and years and years ago, but, no, I don't shop any of those stores.

[Podcast Host]

Are you a banana guy, Jeff?

[Jeff]

Maybe.

[Podcast Host]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

What's wrong with Banana Republic?

[Bert]

I don't see those. I don't see those as metrosexual stores.

[Jeff]

That's a dumb question, dude.

[Podcast Host]

H and M. I have never been.

[Bert]

In an H and M. I can't. But Banana Republic doesn't feel like a metrosexual store to me. Like a little boutique y place.

[Podcast Host]

I didn't come up with the quiz. I am just delivering it.

[Show Moderator]

Just the fact that they have argued every single question. I think it's appropriate that they tied at 11. 11?

[Jeff]

That's not possible.

[Show Moderator]

You both are either metrosexual, we're either.

[Jeff]

Having a dance off, or you got to find another question so you can break.

[Bert]

Well, just the fact that you proposed a dance off. Give them another point. Because what straight guy would say, let's dance off for it?

[Podcast Host]

Get another point, because you'd win it.

[Jeff]

Don't give me another point. Give me a beat. Hey.

[High Five Casino Advertiser]

The Birch Show High 5 Casino is the top sweepstakes casino that's free to play. Sign up today to receive a free welcome bonus and exclusive first purchase offers. Choose the premium jackpot package for $29.99 and claim up to 700 game coins, 55 sweeps coins, 1 sweeps coin daily bonus for 5 days, and 4400 diamonds. Your high five moment awaits at high five casino.com. no purchase necessary. Boardwear prohibited by law. Must be 21 years or older terms and conditions apply.