9: Full Show PT 2: Tuesday, February 10 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Episode 9: Full Show PT 2 (February 10, 2026)

Main Theme & Purpose

This episode is a lively, candid, and humorous morning radio experience with Bert and the team, focusing on authentic listener interactions and the relatable chaos of everyday life. The two main threads are: an ongoing listener feedback experiment (especially from new listeners) and a debate over who on the show is more "metrosexual." The cast also dives into wild stories—like last-minute wedding bailouts—and invites listeners to share along the way.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

1. Listener Homework: Welcoming and Learning from New Audiences

Timestamp: 01:07–13:14

• Bert launches an outreach for new listeners to give honest feedback, emphasizing the show's intent to stay connected to both longtime and brand-new fans.

  “There's nothing better than actually hearing it from you guys—what we're doing right, what we're doing wrong.” (Bert, 01:12)

• Several new listeners call in, sharing how they found the show:

  • Angela/Michelle (02:10): Started listening after a friend's push. She enjoys the fun, personal content and admits she gets up early for work at the newspaper.
  • Young Listener (05:44): Switched after being bored with other stations. Praises the show:

    “Y’all are awesome. Y’all are funny...there’s nothing bad to say because you are amazing.” (Young caller, 06:14)

  • Michelle (07:35): Loves the “deep voice” on the show and prefers the show's music variety.
  • Jonathan (09:44): Found the show through a TV commercial, appreciates its “relevant” topics, but suggests diversifying talk beyond entertainment.

    “I think maybe some outside of entertainment news would be great...kind of see where you guys are in it.” (Jonathan, 11:04)

• The team jokes about weird hours and how their listeners discover the show, often via word of mouth rather than advertising.

• Meta Moment: The cast debates what influences programming—listener feedback versus established routines to please loyal fans.

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2. Wild Wedding Stories: Love, Last-Minute Drama, and Bailouts

Timestamp: 13:14–25:27

• Jeff shares a dramatic “friend-of-a-friend” story: At a wedding, one of the bridesmaids (an ex-lover of the bride) must stand by and watch the woman she loves marry a man. There was tension about whether someone would “do something dramatic” at the ceremony.

  • The wedding goes on without incident—but the cast is left hungry for more scandal.

• Call-In: Bailing at the Wedding

  • Caller (Young Listener) (20:53): Recounts how her best friend, under pressure to marry someone she didn’t love, literally runs out of the church (during vows!) and the two escape to Hawaii, using the honeymoon tickets.

    “At the time to say ‘I do’…she looked at me, and I saw this tear coming out of her eyes. She ran down the aisle, and I ran after her, and we went to Hawaii.” (Caller, 21:19)

  • Caller Ann (22:48): Describes a panic attack at her wedding—she walked in, saw the groom and the crowd, then ran out “hyperventilating” and couldn’t go through with it. Eventually, she did marry the man, but they later divorced.

    “I just can’t do this. Oh my God, what am I doing?” (Ann, 23:42)

• Cast Analysis: The team dissects the idea of “cold feet” and who actually bails at the altar, revealing a morbid fascination with the spectacle of public wedding disasters.

  • Jen: “If you’re going to a wedding where you think this might happen—invite me!” (25:11)

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3. Contest: Who’s More Metrosexual—Bert or Jeff?

Timestamp: 26:28–35:23

• Inspired by metrosexuality quizzes, Bert and Jeff take turns answering lighthearted questions about their grooming, clothes shopping, and “feminine” habits, with Jen and Melissa judging.

• Questions include:

  • Do you look at yourself in store windows or car mirrors?
  • Do you freak out if you see a blemish?
  • Do you have to “look good” just to go to the store?
  • Do you visualize outfits or follow trends?
  • Do you shop at stores like Banana Republic or H&M?

• The answers are hilariously debated, with both trying to downplay their “metro” tendencies, but ending up tied:

  “We’re either having a dance off, or you gotta find another question.” (Jen, 35:04)
  “Well, just the fact that you proposed a dance-off—give him another point.” (Bert, 35:14)

• Memorable Quotes:

  • “No guy likes to be called a metrosexual, even if they have those tendencies.” (Bert, 27:11)
  • “Sometimes, though, I look at my reflection in Bert’s teeth and preen myself that way.” (Jen, 29:52)
  • “If you see a pimple, do you freak out?”
    “Yeah. So I’ll go yeah on that one. I can’t.” (Bert and Jeff, 30:51)
  • “You both are equally metrosexual.” (Melissa, 35:02)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “We never go to sleep... None of us have gone to sleep in seven years, so waking up isn’t even an option.” (Bert, 04:37)
• "You're just interesting...there's nothing bad to say to you guys." (Young caller, 06:14)
• “My theory is that once you’re at the church, you do it. Nobody has ever actually bailed.” (Bert, 19:41)
• “I just want to be at one of those weddings…” (Melissa, 24:53)
• “I age every day between the second and fifth floors.” (Bert, 29:03)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Listener Feedback & New Fans: 01:07–13:14
• Wild Weddings and Last-Minute Bailouts: 13:14–25:27
• Metrosexual Face-off: 26:28–35:23

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Episode Takeaways

• The Bert Show thrives on real-time listener engagement, quick-witted humor, and revealing personal admissions from both callers and hosts.
• The cast encourages direct, honest listener feedback to shape the show’s direction—and isn’t afraid to take good-natured shots at one another.
• Stories of awkward or runaway weddings captivate both the cast and audience, giving the show a “life’s messy, let’s laugh about it” vibe.
• No matter who is declared more metrosexual, the show’s self-deprecating, playful tone carries the segment and keeps the laughs coming.

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For more Bert Show moments, call 1-855-BertShow or visit thebertshow.com.

Transcript

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[Bert]

You know what we're trying to get out here? It's a little homework assignment for brand new Birch show listeners.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Just to tell us how we're doing.

[Bert]

That's it, really. I mean, because you. I mean, we've got very, very, very loyal listeners and we also do a lot of market research here, but there's nothing better than like getting our hands dirty and actually hearing it from you guys. What we're doing right, what we're doing wrong. And some of you guys are brand new. And I think when we're doing the show, it's just while we don't do it on purpose, I think there's just a natural. It's just natural to cater to the people that have been listening longer. And we got to keep reminding ourselves, you know, we got the new TV commercial now we got the new signal, so there are new people coming all the time. And what we want to do is make sure that we're still making you guys happy. Also very important to make the new listeners happy. So we want to just talk to you today, find out what you're liking. And then we're not asking you to say nice things. We want you to be honest with us over the next couple of days. We'll call you back and we'll find out what you guys are digging about us where we might have Lost you. Some of you guys might say, you know what? You're just not for me. Which is fine, but we just want to find out why, right? Hey, Angela. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Good morning.

[Melissa]

Hi.

[Bert]

Good morning. How are you?

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

I'm doing fantastic, thank you.

[Bert]

How long have you been listening, Angela?

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Since Monday around about 6pm 30 or 7, when my friend called and blasted me out for never having heard of you all.

[Bert]

We are really, until we said thank you. This is the reoccurring theme that we keep hearing now, is that. I mean, I haven't heard a lot of people go, it was a TV commercial. I've heard a lot of people say it was a friend that told me, has been telling me about you guys, and I finally gave in.

[Jeff]

Ryan Cave, right?

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

I mean, we've been friends for, let's see, I'm 43, to give that away, 26 years. I've known her since I was 17. And so we pretty much have the same taste. But I work at a newspaper over in Athens, so I basically channel surf because I really can't stay focused on one thing while I'm trying to do my job. And she called me, and I forget what was going on Monday, but she insisted that I changed the channel, put it on 99.7, which is, I guess, the new one. I guess it used to be 100 something before.

[Bert]

Right.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

And so I programmed that in. And so I now have y' all on my little button. So when y' all come on in the mornings, I flip the button over because I know I'm gonna be entertained.

[Melissa]

Oh, well, thank you.

[Bert]

So, so far, in the very short period of time that you've been listening, we've got you right now.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Right now. Totally right now. Like, that was listening to Star 94 for the longest club and around Atlanta long time. And then they went away. For whatever reason, they went away, and I just didn't have a station. But when she called me up, she worked at Waffle House. Every morning she listens to you going on. She knows about every one of y' all because she was explaining to me, and I thought she was saying bird, but I understand. It's Bert, right? She's a bird show. I said, no, I haven't heard of the Bird show.

[Bert]

We're seven years into this, and I.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Still get that lesbian. And there's Bert, and that's as far as I got.

[Bert]

Okay, so she's brand new. I love this.

[Jen]

There's Bert, a lesbian, and there's Melissa and Jen. That's who's on the show.

[Bert]

Okay, well, here's what we would like to do with you over the next couple of days is from time to time, we just want to give you a call. A, make sure you're happy. B, were there times there? But we almost lost you. And hey, we may call you in a couple of days. And you might have said, boy, you guys came out of the shoot really fast, but I can't stand you anymore. And just tell us why.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Well, I think I can do that. And do y' all need me to give y' all a wake up call? Because I come in at 2. What time do y' all have to be up?

[Bert]

Don't start bragging now. Cause we're not gonna do the show at three in the morning. That's just not gonna happen.

[Jen]

One, we get up at one.

[Bert]

One minute before you do, just so.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

We can win, I'll call and wake you up if I need to. It's no problem.

[Jen]

We call and wake you up. We get up at midnight.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

No, you don't. There's no way.

[Bert]

We never go to sleep.

[Jen]

Brooke gets up at 11.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

I come in before y'.

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All.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

I get off after y' all do. What's the justice in this?

[Bert]

None of us have gone to sleep in seven years, so waking up isn't even an option.

[Jen]

And for what it's worth, we probably make more than you do.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

You'd probably make a ton more than I do, I can almost guarantee it.

[Jen]

It's ridiculous. Melissa has it. Melissa has a driver for her ATV that you work on? Yep.

[Melissa]

Yeah, right. I sure do.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

I'm considering getting me a scooter because I understand that I can actually, you know, have a little moped to do it, you know, do my job.

[Melissa]

Those are dangerous.

[Jen]

We got a guy here in the building you can talk to about that.

[Bert]

Angela, let me put you on hold. Okay.

[Jeff]

Scooter Knievel.

[Bert]

Yeah. Scooter Knievel out of action.

[Jeff]

That was not my joke. That was the inter office reply to all email.

[Jen]

And it was actually, you know what? Kudos to that because there's not a lot of reply to alls that generate a smile. Most of them are like, what the hell?

[Bert]

You have no business.

[Jen]

Didn't reply to all. But we actually had this is a phenomenon. A reply to all here in this building last week. That was funny. So let's golf.

[Bert]

Golf.

[Jen]

Clap for that. But don't attempt to reply to all.

[Bert]

Yeah, try to one up each other on that. Deal.

[Jen]

Right.

[Bert]

Noel, Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller (young listener)]

Hey. Well, I came from, like, all sorts of stations because Star 94, like, they changed everything. So it got really bad.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Caller (young listener)]

And my mom and my sister, they're like, full on hardcore listeners. And I'd always tell them that Star 94 was boring. So they finally told me to go to Q100.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Caller (young listener)]

So I'm here now. And y' all are awesome. Y' all are funny.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Actually.

[Caller (young listener)]

You play good stuff.

[Bert]

Mm.

[Caller (young listener)]

And you're just interesting. But, like, there's nothing wrong. There's nothing bad to say to you guys because you are amazing.

[Bert]

Well, you haven't been listening all that long, so we're still in the whole, like, honeymoon phase right now where we love you. You love.

[Caller (young listener)]

I like it now. So.

[Melissa]

Awesome.

[Jeff]

Well, thank you.

[Bert]

So we're bffs right now.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Yeah.

[Bert]

But let's do this in a couple of days. Let's check back with you and see if you're still liking us. And then you tell us, how old are you?

[Caller (young listener)]

I'm 12.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Bert]

What are you doing up at 7 in the morning if you're 12 years old and you're not going to school?

[Caller (young listener)]

I, like, normally I wake up at 6:30, so.

[Bert]

Really, you just can't get out of that place?

[Melissa]

You do it on your own? Like, you don't set an alarm, you just kind of wake up.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Yeah.

[Caller (young listener)]

I really hate it.

[Bert]

Let me put you on hold and we'll call you back in a couple of days and you just give us an update, okay?

[Caller (young listener)]

Okay.

[Bert]

All right, thanks. Thanks. And we don't gotta spend too much more time on this, but it really does help us kinda, like, steer where we're going with you guys.

[Jeff]

Do you guys ever hear kids on the phone, you go, what were we just talking about?

[Bert]

Yes, all the time. Yeah.

[Jeff]

When I heard that little voice, I was like, uh, oh, what have we been saying? What did I cover in the entertainment buzz? How raunchy was Jeff earlier?

[Jen]

I do the same thing whenever I.

[Jeff]

Talk to my parents.

[Jen]

Like, hey, we were listening to you online this morning, and I'm like, oh.

[Bert]

No, you didn't hear the ninny call, did you? Hey, Michelle, you're on Q100. Good morning.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Good morning. How are you?

[Bert]

All good. How are you?

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

I'm wonderful. I've been listening to you for about two weeks now. And I love your station. I know how you listen to other stations. And you're like, okay, I don't like that person. No, all you guys are funny. Y' all are hilarious. And I'm not quite sure, what his name is. But he has the deep voice. I love his voice.

[Bert]

That's Bert.

[Melissa]

Notice how she hesitates.

[Bert]

Sure.

[Jen]

She's like, okay, whoever you are, that's definitely Bert.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

The one that's always in the background. Like, the one always in the background talking.

[Bert]

Oh, it's Carl. It is Carl. He's not in today. He's our intern.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

No, it's not him.

[Jeff]

Is it Jeff?

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

It's the one who's talking right now.

[Melissa]

Talk to her big daddy.

[Jeff]

Oh. So do you really like Joe?

[Melissa]

Say something, Jeff.

[Jen]

Is it me? My voice is.

[Bert]

No.

[Jen]

No, it's not.

[Bert]

No, it's not.

[Jeff]

It's me. It's me.

[Bert]

You like me.

[Caller (young listener)]

Angry.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

I'm so angry. I can't get you guys at work, so I'll be late for work sometime.

[Bert]

Well, it's definitely time to get a new job, don't you think?

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

You know what? I'm really trying because I work at the sheriff's department, so I'm really trying to get a new job.

[Jeff]

Okay. Can you try to listen online? Do you. Are you in front of a computer?

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

No, actually, because I work at the sheriff's department and they have, like, all computers locked down.

[Bert]

Well, Michelle, here's what we want to do. What were you listening to before, by the way? If you were only listening now for two weeks.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

I'm sorry, say it again.

[Bert]

What station were you listening to before you came over to us?

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

I was listening to V103, and I like your music better because you played varieties of everything.

[Bert]

Okay, well, we're glad we have you. And let's talk back in just a couple of days here and make sure that you're still happy. And if you're not, be totally honest with us, okay?

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Okay, I sure will.

[Bert]

All right, I'm gonna take one more, and then we'll move on to the other.

[Jen]

Thank you very much for calling.

[Bert]

No, thank you very much for calling. Thank you. She likes me.

[Jeff]

Thank you.

[Bert]

She likes me better.

[Jen]

So you know what I have in voice? I lower my voice to make up for my penis.

[Bert]

Save that. Good morning, Jonathan. You're on Q100.

[Caller Jonathan]

Hi, good morning.

[Bert]

Good morning, sir. How are you doing? Later, Jonathan. How long you been listening to the show?

[Caller Jonathan]

This is my third day.

[Bert]

Okay, third day. And what brought you over to the Burt show, bert show on G100?

[Jen]

The guy with the deep voice.

[Bert]

Yes. Not the bird guy.

[Caller Jonathan]

The TV commercial definitely did it for me. I think I had you guys confused with 103.3 or 105.5. Like a hip hop rap station. And then I saw you guys on TV and I was like, they're just normal like me. And I feel like I can relate. And I turned it on one day and ever since then my girlfriend's been ragging me about listening to you guys. She always tried to make me listen to you guys. So you guys just seem very relevant.

[Bert]

Don't you hate now that she's got those bragging rights like I told you.

[Jen]

Tracy, by the way, is going to take that clip where. Where he said, I liked your commercial and I thought you guys were relevant and just like me. So I came over and make that her ringtone because the commercial is her idea.

[Jeff]

She'd be like, high five, Tracy.

[Bert]

Jonathan, let's do this. Let's call. Let's talk to you in a couple of days here and make sure you're still digging on us because we're only 72 hours into this. And is there anything that you've heard over like the last three days that make you go that makes you say, well, maybe they're not for me.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

I don't know.

[Caller Jonathan]

I mean, sometimes I think. I think sometimes we all get caught up in the social aspect, the TMZ and all of that. And so I think you guys are very intelligent. I think maybe some outside of entertainment news would be great.

[Bert]

Well, you know, we know we do news also. Melissa Carter is our news director.

[Caller Jonathan]

Right, right. But not conversational news.

[Bert]

I see. So like yesterday, for instance, maybe we should have talked more politics because of the whole Obama thing going on yesterday.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Yeah, not huge.

[Caller Jonathan]

Not a huge amount, but it'd be great to kind of see where you guys are in it.

[Jen]

Okay, okay, that's totally valid, but Angelina Jolie passed out.

[Jeff]

She didn't. It's retracted.

[Jen]

Why are we going to talk about.

[Jeff]

Men don't ever listen politics?

[Bert]

We got important relevant things to talk about, like Jennifer Aniston.

[Jen]

Right.

[Bert]

He wants us to talk about the president.

[Jen]

You want us to talk about Senator John McCain when Britney Spears has shown her what he what to the.

[Caller Jonathan]

We can't become boring.

[Bert]

But I understand. Okay.

[Jeff]

Bought crack and cocaine in New York.

[Bert]

I mean, let's talk to you in a couple of days. Okay.

[Caller Jonathan]

All right.

[Bert]

Thanks for the inputs.

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[Bert]

All right. Chin Hobby and I had a couple of people ask me about this.

[Jeff]

Yeah, this is like the craziest wedding story I had ever heard. And my friend that told me about it actually said, oh, do I have a story for the Burt show for you? And so, you know, I've left out a lot of details, you know, in order to protect the identities of the people, but it was not a wedding that happened here in Atlanta and was not the one that I attended. Completely different wedding. And my friend was in it and she explained to me a little bit of the history on the bride that the bride had a bisexual past. So she had been sort of experimental with her sexuality in the past and that was all fine and dandy, but got engaged to this guy. So seems very in love, seems to be going great. Asked my friend to be in the wedding. She's like super, you know, just like any other wedding. There's lots of bridesmaids in the wedding. Well, my friend found out two weeks before the wedding that one of the bridesmaids, who was an out lesbian, was in love with the bride and she and the bride had had a tryst, like kind of had had an affair and had discussed the bride leaving her fiance for the bridesmaid only maybe within the last six months.

[Bert]

So this wasn't a one time deal.

[Melissa]

The bride wanted to leave the fiance.

[Jeff]

For the bridesmaid for the bridesmaid. Right. So bridesmaid had to stand up in this wedding this weekend with my friend and see the woman she's in love with marry a man. Right. So we were just afraid something was gonna happen. My friend was going back and forth, you know, do I talk to the bride about it? Do I, you know, is it gonna ruin her wedding day if I bring it up? Do I just let her know because her whole thing was like, I just wanna be her friend, you know, she is gay and she's afraid to say she's gay. I just want her to know I'm gonna love her regardless. I'm here for you, no judgment whatever.

[Bert]

And this is emotions we're talking about. This is not just a bridesmaid looking going, I want a piece of that. She's digging on the bride, right?

[Jeff]

Well, and the bride too. And so my friend was wanting to be a good friend to the bride and say, if you need me to have the car running outside the church and you make a last minute decision to jump in, I will drive it away. You know, like she was just in her mind trying to go through how she was going to have this conversation with her back and forth and the struggle. And then she was also concerned that the bridesmaid would like stop the ceremony or cause or say something, whatever. So I was trying to text her all weekend long and get information about what was going on and what had happened and how the story had developed and that sort of thing. And I didn't get much response because she was in the wedding and you know, being a part of wedding parties, very busy. So I didn't hear too much except that I got a text message and she said, do I say anything or not? She seems so happy. It's the day before her wedding and then, or something to that effect. And then the next, the next text message I got and it said the wedding happened, it did happen.

[Melissa]

So they got married and they were on their way to their honeymoon.

[Jeff]

So I have no idea any other sort of like dramatic stories when they were getting ready or, you know, if there was any private conversation between said bridesmaid and bride, if they just, you know, had cut it off completely.

[Melissa]

Somebody's texting on their honeymoon, so I.

[Jeff]

Don'T really know any of the details of the story.

[Jen]

Somebody's spending a little too much time in the Internet cafe.

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Yeah.

[Melissa]

Why are you checking your phone so much, honey?

[Jeff]

Don't worry about it. So I don't know if she went into it, you know, nervous, you know, happy, unhappy, I'm not really sure, but all I know is that the wedding happened. So the bride married the man who has no clue any of this was going on as far as I know. But I, you know, like I was like, can't wait to hear the details. Let me know what's happening, you know, So I was hitting her up like once an hour, like, what's going on?

[Bert]

Need A scouting report here, of course.

[Jeff]

And then. Exactly. And then all my friends that I was hanging out with at a completely different wedding, of course, I had to tell them the whole story. Oh, of course. As we continue to have cocktails at our wedding reception, they were like, did you hear from her yet? What's going on? Did they, you know, whatever. So. So yeah, that's all I know is that the wedding did happen.

[Bert]

I have a theory about these last minute, like, bailing on the weddings. Okay. That I'll throw out here to see if we get one call on, because, you know, we do. We'll do this from time to time because we're pretty confident now that anytime we throw a topic out, somebody, somebody is listening that will go, you know what? That pertains to me. No matter how bizarre the scenario is, here is my theory that while people are left at the altar, we've heard those stories before. Nobody actually shows up to the wedding and then decides to leave. Like, you've made that decision and nobody is actually brave enough to go to the church. Or that, that sense of I gotta get out of here happens either right before the ceremony or during the ceremony when you bail.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Bert]

So I'm not looking for people that were left at the altar. What I'm looking for are the calls or call from somebody that went to the wedding and then turned around and actually bailed.

[Jeff]

So standing outside the church, like, groom's already down at the end and the bride is behind the closed doors, they're about to open it and play.

[Bert]

You are there.

[Jen]

So that's what you're looking for. You're looking for left at the altar.

[Melissa]

So what you're. Well, what you're saying is that you got dressed up and you got to.

[Bert]

The church, you were there.

[Melissa]

So left at the altar. Usually most of the times is when people just never show up to the church that morning.

[Bert]

So you're at the hotel and you're calling people, but what you're saying is.

[Melissa]

You got your dress on, you got your tux on, you went to the church, and then something inside the church caused you to turn around and walk out.

[Bert]

My theory is that a lot of people have cold feet, but. And a really intense cold feet. Like you're thinking about it all the way to last minute, but you make a decision, a final decision that, okay, you know what, this is crazy. I'm going. And then once you get to the church, you just do it. So what I'm looking for are the people that actually committed went to the church and Then there you said, good God, I can't do this. And you actually got in the car and you took off.

[Jeff]

Or like, the father of the bride asks the question, like, you sure? Are you ready to do this?

[Jen]

She says, no.

[Bert]

She says, no, and she's right there out of here.

[Jen]

And that is the literal definition of left at the altar. Cause that means the groom is standing up there waiting for you to come back. Or in the other version of that, because it could go the other way, would probably be left in the dressing room. There's a bride going to church, and she gets ready, and the groom has to send his best man to knock on the door. And bride's like, so in your case.

[Bert]

The bridesmaids says to the bride, look, the car is running.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bert]

All you gotta do is make a decision like that. And I wanna let you go. You know, I am here for you, and you are gone. My theory is that once you're at the church, you do it. Nobody has ever actually bailed. Mm.

[Melissa]

Now even more dramatic, man. Could you imagine being at the altar? Both at the altar, and then somebody freaking out and saying, you know what?

[Jeff]

And walking back down the aisle.

[Melissa]

I can't do this.

[Bert]

And I'm running, because at that point, everybody's got cameras on you. And it's documented.

[Jeff]

Families are there.

[Jen]

Now, let me ask you guys this from a bride's point of view.

[Bert]

Hold on one sec. Marianne, hold on for me, okay?

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Okay.

[Jen]

Don't go anywhere when you're in the room and you're getting ready and your gown's on, because, you know. And who's in there? Mom's in there with you. And maid of honor.

[Jeff]

Bridesmaids.

[Jen]

Bridesmaids. And there's a knock at the door. Is it safe to assume that if it's the best man, that there's something bad gonna happen?

[Jeff]

I don't think so. Cause there's always so much craziness on that day. Like, people are like, hey, we need a brush. Or, hey, somebody needs a, you know.

[Melissa]

Five minutes kind of frantic.

[Jen]

So it's. Until the words actually come out of whoever the messenger's mouth is when it's gonna be realized.

[Rocket Money Announcer]

Yeah.

[Bert]

All right, Marianne.

[Rocket Money Announcer]

Cool.

[Caller (young listener)]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Hey.

[Caller (young listener)]

I love you guys. First of all, you guys are the highlight of my day.

[Bert]

Thank you.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Okay, so this is what happened.

[Caller (young listener)]

My best friend, she was forced to be married to this guy. And actually, my husband is best friends with him, but he's not really a good person. And her parents were forcing her to marry him for some reason. I don't know why. And she was telling me, I'm not gonna go through. I'm not gonna go through it. I'm like, okay, just let me know.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

When we run out of church.

[Caller (young listener)]

And at the time to say, I do. The priest asked her, you know, like, all those questions, and she looked at me, and I saw this tear coming out of her eyes. She ran down the AIs, and I ran after her, and we went to Hawaii. Well, her honeymoon was going to be in Hawaii, and we went to Hawaii for two days. Nobody could find us, not even my husband. And she was. To this day, she's so happy she did it.

[Bert]

So she was literally. They were exchanging vows at the church.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

In front of everybody, in front of her parents.

[Caller (young listener)]

Everybody. Her parents. Well, they love me because we've been friends since we were in diverse, but right now they hate me because, you.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Know, I took their daughter out of.

[Caller (young listener)]

Church and disappeared with her for two days.

[Jeff]

How long ago was this?

[Caller (young listener)]

Oh, I want to say a year ago.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Wow. And they still hate you for it?

[Caller (young listener)]

Well, not anymore, because they understand, you know, why I did it and why she ran away. And the guy wasn't a really good person, and, you know, he got to run in jail a couple days later.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

So it's not.

[Caller (young listener)]

He wasn't really a good person for her.

[Bert]

Yeah. I think usually people make that decision and they bail beforehand, but that is going right down the last second.

[Melissa]

Yeah. I'm curious, because I'm not as familiar with weddings as other people are, but is there any kind of insurance policy that you can take out on a wedding?

[Bert]

There is, yeah.

[Melissa]

For something like this?

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Absolutely.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Because I think that that would be.

[Jen]

Good insurance to get event insurance.

[Bert]

Good morning, Ann.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Hey, good morning.

[Bert]

How are you?

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

I'm doing okay.

[Bert]

All right. Prove me wrong.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Prove you wrong. When I got married in 2003, I walked. I had my wedding ceremony and reception at the same place. I walked into the room where we were going to hold the ceremony, saw the groom, saw all my friends, freaked out, turned around, and just in the reception hall. I just was having a fit. I was like, I can't do this. I really can't. Oh, my God. What am I doing? There are all these people in there, and I just can't do this.

[Jen]

So you had gotten married and you're going to the reception or.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

No, I was. We were having our reception and our marriage ceremony all in one place.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

And the rooms were right next to each other because it was a Small wedding. And I walked in, and there was my family and friends and his family and friends. I took one look at him, and I turned around, and hyperventilating was like, oh, my God, I can't do this. When everybody was there listening, my maid of honor comes out. She's like, you need to come with me, because everybody's hearing you freak out right now.

[Bert]

Wow. Tell me about the call that you made to your.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Your.

[Bert]

What was supposed to be husband afterwards.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Yeah. We did end up after really, a break. We did end up actually getting married, but in the time since, we've gotten a divorce.

[Bert]

So you actually got going with your commencement speech. Jen Hobby.

[Jeff]

Listen to your voice.

[Bert]

Should have listened to her voice.

[Jen]

You said in the room where everybody could hear you, I can't go through with this. So the groom, his groomsmen, the best man, his father, everyone on his side of the family heard you say, I can't go through with this.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Yeah.

[Jen]

I don't wish that marriage never would have worked because everybody who was close to him was.

[Bert]

They were talking so much, they hated me.

[Melissa]

But I wish not ill on any couple. I just want to be at one of those weddings.

[Bert]

I know.

[Melissa]

I just want to. It's one of those weddings where you're invited and you don't know the person that well, so you're not emotionally invested in the relationship. And I just want to be there to hear or see this happen one time.

[Jeff]

One time.

[Jen]

If you have. If you're going to a wedding where you think this might happen, happen, invite me. And you need a date.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Like I'll be single that weekend and be your date at the wedding.

[Jeff]

Absolutely.

[Melissa]

I want to see that.

[Bert]

The Birch Show.

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[Jeff]

We're on a mission to see who's more metrosexual, Bert or Jeff. And we went through a string of questions yesterday and found out we're about 7 to 7. To quickly recap yesterday, the questions were, do gay men on you? Do you carry a purse? How do you feel about your socks as you read this? Do you know what color your socks are or what color socks you're wearing? And are they designer socks? So that was all kind of one. Do you wear tighty whities? Do you use more than one product in your hair? And do you refer to your hair products as products? Have you ever used hair removal services other than shaving, waxing, tweezing, laser or electrolysis? Do you receive spa services, manicures, pedicures, facial and exfoliation? And do you borrow products from the women in your life?

[Bert]

No guy likes to be called a metrosexual, even if they have those tendencies. No guy will say that. Yeah, I am. So that's why you have to go online and check out the quiz and have your guy take it.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Because if he sees it in black and white, then he'll probably go, yeah, okay, now I get it. But I didn't. I hated answering these questions. It's so emasculating.

[Jeff]

You have to. You have to answer them honestly, too, because these are going to be a little bit tough.

[Bert]

Yeah. And I've got the truth. Warden listening.

[Jeff]

You mean your wife?

[Bert]

Yeah. Yesterday she called up Jeff.

[Jeff]

Is Jessica available?

[Jen]

I'm honest. I don't.

[Jeff]

If we have any questions, she.

[Jen]

I mean, you can call her, but I don't lie.

[Bert]

I mean, at this point, we both can admit. At seven. Seven. If we got seven already. I mean, you can label both of us metrosexuals. I mean, that's done. I mean, it's not even.

[Jen]

I said we could have done that before. I just think the definition has changed. At this point, we're going to homosexual. Have you ever.

[Bert]

Homo. Metrosexual.

[Jen]

Have you ever made out with a man? It's gonna be the next question.

[Bert]

Oh, no.

[Jeff]

All right. Actually, the next question is, whenever you're outside, do you look at yourself in car windows, store windows, etc.

[Melissa]

I mean, point for Bert.

[Jen]

I can say no because you want to make sure. Everything's like, yeah, no, for grooming purposes. And I'll tell you, part of the reason I don't is the fear that somebody's on the other side of it. But as far, like, if you're talking about glancing, like, you know, seeing it as you walk by, that's fine. But I've never stopped in front of a window to.

[Bert]

Yeah, me neither. I'm talking about, like, looking at yourself as you're walking by.

[Jeff]

Like, you check your hair. You just, like, you know, run your hand through your hair as you look in the reflection from the car window.

[Jen]

Every morning when I get in the elevator and the elevator doors close and I can see myself in the reflective. I think, oh, my God, you are aging like you wouldn't believe with this job. You are 30 going, I'm 56.

[Bert]

I age every day between the second and fifth floors.

[Melissa]

So do they both get a point for that?

[Bert]

I mean, it's really. It's. I don't think it's anything out of the ordinary. It's not, like, stopping and going, okay, man, Boy, do I look good today.

[Melissa]

What was the question again?

[Jeff]

It says, whenever you're outside, do you look at yourself in car windows or store windows, et cetera?

[Bert]

Not even a car window. Like a store window. I say, yeah, to.

[Jen]

Okay, I would say neither of us get a point for that if we're both on the same page.

[Jeff]

Like, seeing yourself if you have looked.

[Melissa]

At yourself in a window, or sometimes.

[Jen]

You can't help because what am I going to do? Get in the elevator and face backwards?

[Melissa]

Well, it wasn't the elevator, but the only thing is, I think, is this happened yesterday. They argue, every single one.

[Jen]

Well, give us a point or don't give us each a point. It doesn't matter.

[Jeff]

Okay, all right.

[Jen]

Just as long as we're both on the same page.

[Jeff]

They're equal on that one.

[Jen]

Sometimes, though, I look at my reflection in Bert's teeth and prove myself that way.

[Bert]

And I in Jeff's glassy eye.

[Jeff]

Bert and Jeff, do you freak out if you see a pimple or blemish on your face?

[Jen]

Now, are we talking about just a blemish, or are we talking about, oh.

[Melissa]

Man, this is gonna take the rest of the show?

[Jen]

Because I've actually had the moon implant itself in one of my pores and try to burst out of my face.

[Melissa]

The fact that they've both used cover up on blemishes, wouldn't that be a point?

[Bert]

Mine wasn't a blemish. My face was cut. It Was up the.

[Jen]

You mean your face was blemished?

[Bert]

It was cut. I mean, I had deep, deep cuts, almost requiring stitches.

[Jen]

We each get a point, and I will.

[Jeff]

They each get a point on that one.

[Bert]

I will take a yay on that just because I have this really nasty problem spot right between my chin and my lip where this one whitehead always pops up. And whenever it does, like it started to yesterday, you kind of freak out. I freak out.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Bert]

Yeah. So I'll go. Yeah, on that one. I can't.

[Jeff]

Jeff said. Yeah.

[Bert]

And it's like, unpoppable.

[Jen]

I hate that.

[Bert]

Yeah, it's like in a place that's just unpoppable.

[Jeff]

Let's not go there. Okay?

[Jen]

No matter how much you squeeze and pinch and twist and I run razors.

[Bert]

Over it, machete, lawnmower, everything, it won't go away.

[Jen]

You're working on it so hard that when you stop working on it, you realize you're at half an inch from the mirror and you don't even know how you got that close, just drilling away at it. But then when you do get it, God, the satisfaction is great, isn't it?

[Bert]

Seriously, it's relieving.

[Melissa]

You know what?

[Bert]

I've asked Stacy to cut me with a razor. Just do it like a boxer.

[Jen]

Shoot in the jaw. Okay, carry on.

[Jeff]

All right, next one. Do you have to, quote, look good just to go to the store?

[Jen]

Oh, no.

[Bert]

I mean, I'll put a hat on.

[Jeff]

The answer's yes for you, isn't it?

[Bert]

I'd say probably. I'm self conscious about it.

[Jen]

I say no to the point. And you can call Jessica on this one. There's some times where I'll come back in from the store and she'll say, you left the house like that.

[Jeff]

She's actually said she's reprimanded you.

[Jen]

She said, you know, people know you in this town.

[Jeff]

Like, you really should have done something with yourself.

[Jen]

Right?

[Jeff]

Okay, so points for Bert.

[Bert]

I'll give myself a point.

[Jeff]

No point for Jeff. Okay, here's where it's going to even score again, because I know what Jeff's answer is going to be on this one. Do you picture outfits in your head before you buy it or put it on?

[Jen]

Explain that, though.

[Jeff]

Do you visualize outfits in your head? Like, if you're going to the store and you're like, I need to get some clothes for an event tonight? Like, in your mind, are you picturing the outfit in your head before you buy it? Or if you're getting ready and getting dressed in the morning before work or whatever. Do you picture what the whole outfit is going to look like before you put it on?

[Jen]

I don't think I do. Did you think I was gonna say yes?

[Jeff]

I thought you were an absolutely yes.

[Jen]

I set my clothes out the night before, but that's a timing thing. But I would say probably at least 50% of the time, I will. Look, if we're going out to an event, I'll step out of the closet and Jessica, be like, those shoes, that shirt. And then I'll have to go back in and swap one of them. So I don't plan ahead to the point where we run late every time.

[Bert]

I'd say no to that also. Not before I thought you would say no.

[Jeff]

I thought for sure Jeff was a yes on that one. Okay. Do you follow all the latest trends?

[Bert]

I don't really. I mean, that's such a broad question. What do you mean? Do you follow the latest trends? Like, I mean, I know Jeff's a real gadgety guy.

[Jeff]

I think it means more fashion trends. I. That's how I presume. That's my question was more fashion trends.

[Bert]

I'd say probably, yeah to that one, Jeff. In a lot of cases, you guys could probably answer these better than we can.

[Jen]

I would say not as much as I would like to, but I think you do.

[Melissa]

That response.

[Bert]

That's a yes. Okay.

[Jeff]

This one is actually interesting because I don't know. I don't know how you guys are gonna answer this one. Do you give advice to people on how to dress?

[Bert]

No.

[Jen]

No.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Jen]

Although that sweat.

[Jeff]

Almost there.

[Melissa]

And let me just give a point update really quickly.

[Jeff]

Mm.

[Melissa]

Bert has 10 and Jeff has nine.

[Caller Angela/Michelle]

Booyah.

[Jen]

You are metrosexual.

[Bert]

It's not over yet, buddy.

[Jeff]

Close. It's almost over. Okay. Do you care about what other people think? And I would also refer this to your fashion.

[Bert]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[Jeff]

And the last one. Do you shop at stores such as Banana Republic, H and M, and Abercrombie and Fitch?

[Bert]

No.

[Jen]

I thought you walked into an Abercrombie once and walked out because Chris Hansen started following you.

[Bert]

No, I'd say as. I mean, that was years and years and years ago, but no, I don't shop any of those stores.

[Jeff]

Are you a banana guy, Jeff?

[Jen]

Maybe.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jen]

What's wrong with Banana Republic?

[Bert]

I don't see those as metrosexual stores.

[Jen]

That's a dumb question, dude.

[Bert]

H and M. I have never been in an H and M. I can't. But Banana Republic doesn't feel like a metrosexual store to me like a little boutique y place.

[Jeff]

I didn't come up with the quiz. I am just delivering it.

[Melissa]

Just the fact that they have argued every single question. I think it's appropriate that they tied at 11. 11?

[Jen]

That's not possible.

[Melissa]

You both are equally metrosexual.

[Jen]

We're either having a dance off or you gotta find another question so we can break.

[Bert]

Well, just the fact that you proposed a dance off. Give him another point. Because what straight guy would say, let's dance off for it?

[Melissa]

Don't give me another point.

[Jeff]

Get another point. Because you'd win it.

[Rocket Money Announcer 2]

It.

[Jen]

Don't give me another point. Give me a beat.

[Bert]

Hey, the bird show.