Full Show PT 1: Friday, April 3 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Friday, April 3 [Vault]

Date: April 3, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & the Bert Show Cast

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Episode Overview

This lively episode of The Bert Show delivers the trademark mix of real-life drama, relatable listener stories, candid crew banter, and a healthy dose of humor. The morning kicks off with a jaw-dropping HR confession from a caller, shifts into a debate about dating a friend's parent, and rounds out with embarrassing adult mishaps, all peppered with direct audience calls and memorable, unfiltered moments.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. HR Confessional: Stolen Paychecks and Moral Dilemmas

(00:00–11:46)

• Brandy’s Confession:
  • Listener Brandy, disguised, admits to embezzling paychecks intended for an employee who never started at her company.
  • She'd been pocketing these funds (about $1,300/month for almost two years, totaling $30,000–$60,000+) by arranging direct deposits to herself while working in HR.
• Fear of Discovery:
  • Brandy reveals she’s been summoned by her company VP in the wake of layoffs and budget scrutiny, fearing imminent exposure.
• Legal and Ethical Analysis:
  • The hosts and fellow callers respond with shock and straightforward advice to come clean, highlighting multiple federal crimes involved (fraud, identity theft, tax evasion).
  • Susan, a caller, shares a similar case: “She will not be able to get away with this because there’s one thing you can’t get away with and that’s the IRS.” (03:10)
  • Thea, another caller and loss prevention manager, delivers a blunt warning: “She needs to turn herself in... the hammer is going to come down hard on her… she has now stolen from every single person that works there.” (04:42)
  • The segment concludes by urging Brandy to hire an attorney and brace for serious consequences.
• Memorable Moment:
  • “You either gotta way improve your acting skills or just not do it because you're not gonna be able to pull it off. If you're sitting across from the boss... you're gonna wet your pants..." — Bert (11:01)

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2. Friend’s Mom Dilemma: Boundaries and Jealousy

(11:55–21:12)

• Ellie’s Story:
  • Ellie calls in worried that her longtime friend wants to ask out their mutual college buddy’s single, recently-divorced mother—a situation she feels is a “train wreck about to happen.”
• Team Reaction:
  • The cast urges her to stay out of it, questioning whether her motives are protective or jealous, especially after she admits to previously dating the friend in question.
  • “We all have a friend like you… that likes to be in the midst of everything… but I don't think you need to be in the middle of it.” — Kristin (14:07)
  • They suggest, if anything, the friend ought to be candid with his buddy before pursuing the mom, but that’s his call.
• Listener Experiences:
  • Callers reminisce about similar unusual couplings (“I dated my best friend’s father for six years…we’re all still friends today.” — Happy, 18:32).
  • The consensus: it’s awkward but not unprecedented, and Ellie has no responsibility to interfere.
• Memorable Moment:
  • “If one of my friends asked out my mom, we’re fist fighting right there.” — Chris (21:15)

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3. Adult Embarrassment: Peeing Your Pants and Bodily Mishaps

(22:01–30:50)

• Fergie Sets the Topic:
  • The group reacts to Fergie’s famous on-stage accident (peeing her pants) and opens the phone lines for listeners’ similar confessions.
• Funny and Relatable Admissions:
  • Listeners share stories ranging from pregnancy leaks (“When we’re all laughing and hanging out, you can tell who has kids because we all cross our legs.” — Caller, 24:01) to public accidents at the self-checkout, nights out, and even horseback mishaps.
  • The cast weighs in with their own fears and near-misses, laughing about glove compartment napkins and pregnancy’s effect on bladders.
• Athletes & Pee:
  • Some callers mention that professional athletes will sometimes go during games, blowing minds and grossing out others.
• Ending with a Bang:
  • The final caller recounts an epic public digestive accident triggered by a salad ingredient allergy—capping the segment with relatable mortification and empathy.
• Notable Quote:
  • “Now I make sure I go ahead of time.” — Caroline, after a supermarket disaster (27:36)
  • “As grown adults, do people really pee their pants?” — Bert, launching one of the episode's most memorable, lighthearted discussions. (22:16)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Exchange | |-----------|----------|----------------| | 03:10 | Susan (caller) | “She will not be able to get away with this because there’s one thing you can’t get away with and that’s the IRS.” | | 04:42 | Thea (caller) | “She needs to turn herself in... the hammer is going to come down hard on her… she has now stolen from every single person that works there.” | | 11:01 | Bert | “You either gotta way improve your acting skills or just not do it because you’re not gonna be able to pull it off. If you’re sitting across from the boss... you’re gonna wet your pants...” | | 14:07 | Kristin | “We all have a friend like you… that likes to be in the midst of everything… but I don’t think you need to be in the middle of it.” | | 21:15 | Chris (caller) | “If one of my friends asked out my mom, we’re fist fighting right there.” | | 24:01 | Caller | “When we’re all laughing and hanging out, you can tell who has kids because we all cross our legs.” | | 27:36 | Caroline (caller) | “Now I make sure I go ahead of time.” | | 22:16 | Bert | “As grown adults, do people really pee their pants?” |

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• HR Embezzlement Confessional: 00:00 – 11:46
• Dating a Friend’s Mom: 11:55 – 21:12
• Embarrassing Adult Accidents: 22:01 – 30:50

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Tone & Style

The episode maintains the Bert Show’s signature: conversational, edgy, and honest with a balance of empathy and humor. Listeners and cast speak candidly, occasionally teasing but always engaging the topic head-on, no matter how serious or silly.

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Summary Takeaways

• If you’re in legal jeopardy (especially with the IRS), come clean and get a lawyer.
• Matters of the heart—especially taboo-ish ones—are best left for those directly involved, and sometimes jealousy clouds perspective.
• Embarrassing moments (even adult accidents!) are more common than you think—and laughter is the best medicine.

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Perfect episode for fans of honest advice, relatable fails, and the comfort of knowing you’re never alone in your life’s more awkward moments.

Transcript

[A]

The Birch Show. We have a bird show listener who needs some advice. She is. She's coming on with us, I think. Cause she heard we were talking about where we had Human resources on with us recently.

[B]

We were talking about stinky people.

[A]

Yeah, stinky people. Well, now. Now we are the human resource experts, okay? And Brandy's got a problem at the office. So, Brandy, we'll do our best to help you out. You are on the voice disguiser. Hi, how are you?

[C]

Hey. I did something a couple years ago, and I'm really scared I'm about to get in major trouble for it.

[D]

Okay. What'd you do?

[C]

Well, I don't want to give too many details because I'm really scared I might get in trouble. But I work for a company in Human Resources, and a couple years ago, this guy was interviewed and he was about to be hired. And he filled out all the paperwork and he was set to come on board. And he decided at the last minute he wasn't going to take the job. But all the paperwork was submitted, and, you know, the position that he had really didn't have that much work. And so the rest of us or the other people in that department just kind of absorbed his work. And I processed the paperwork already, and lo and behold, like 14 days later, his first paycheck came into Human Resources department and landed on my desk. And then two weeks later, another paycheck came and, well, basically, I had a way of arranging. I know this is wrong, but I really needed the money and the paychecks were just building up. For the past two years, I've actually been having his payroll checks direct deposited in my account.

[E]

No way.

[B]

For two years?

[A]

So you've got two years worth of another man's salary in your bank account?

[C]

Yeah, well, not anymore. She's been spending it because of the economy and the company's budget. The VP is meeting with all the heads of different departments, and I have been called into a meeting with him tomorrow. And they're going to eliminate certain positions that aren't needed for the company. And I'm just terrified that they're going to find out what I've done, so.

[A]

Because they're going to go down everybody in the company and go, okay, Melissa Carter. What does she do? Is she valuable? What's she making? All right, we got to keep her. Jen. Hobby. No, you know what? Melissa can do her job, but you

[D]

realize you were going to get busted for this eventually, right?

[C]

Well, I really needed the money, and I just didn't see how anyone would really Find out. No one. Before the economy took this turn, no one was really paying that much close attention to, you know, exactly what every employee.

[B]

What about with the taxes and stuff though?

[A]

Well, the guy, he's in trouble now.

[E]

He's gonna be screwed.

[A]

He'll get in trouble and then.

[B]

That's right, because there's all this income reported under his Social Security number that he doesn't.

[C]

Doesn't claim.

[A]

That's what I talked to Susan. Not on the voice disguiser. Hi, Susan.

[C]

Hi, how are you?

[A]

Good.

[C]

I had a girlfriend whose sister in law did the same exact thing. And what will happen is he will have to file a police report and she will, will not, will not be able to not get away with this because there's one thing you can't get away with and that's the irs.

[A]

So how long does it take for the IRS to catch up with.

[C]

It took. It was a two year ordeal, meaning it had happened two years prior to anyone getting arrested.

[A]

She got arrested?

[C]

Yes, absolutely.

[D]

Wasn't this fraud?

[B]

Fraud?

[C]

Yes. And. Well, first of all, it's stealing. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

There is no excuse for stealing, no matter what. And so she's going to definitely have to pay the piper. And if I were her, I'd come clean. It's going to be a lot easier than sitting around waiting for the sheriff to come knock on her door because that's what will happen. He will file a police report and then. Because the IRS is going to question him.

[B]

Yeah. How long will it take for him to get flagged?

[A]

Oops, sorry. I accidentally just hung up on her. I think she had two years though,

[B]

since the two years till he finds out and then maybe another year.

[A]

But our caller has to deal with this tomorrow because they're going to go employee. So they're going to get to that guy and go, hey, Joe Smith is criminal.

[D]

I mean, I don't see what the debate is.

[A]

Thea or Thea.

[C]

Okay, okay, you know what? I work for a major retailer and I'm a loss prevention manager. And my job specifically is to go after people who are stealing from the company.

[A]

Right.

[C]

She needs to turn herself in. She needs to come clean. Because I'll tell you what, the hammer is going to come down hard on her. And the more honest and upfront you are from the beginning, the less of a problem it's going to be for her. She needs to know she's looking at some serious, serious jail time. She's going to have to pay restitution. She's going to have to pay all this money back, she's going to have to pay the taxes on it. But what she doesn't understand is what she has now done is not only stolen from the company, but she's stolen from every single person that works there. And she has cost other people the opportunity to have a job, a good paying job.

[D]

It's like multiple crimes. It's like fraud. It's also identity theft. You know, I mean, pretty serious.

[A]

Hey, Brandi, is it processed to you that you could actually go to jail for this? Because to be honest with you, I didn't even think that.

[C]

I see it, like, bordering on fraud, but, like, I don't really. I'm a good person other than this. I just need the money. I don't know if I would go to jail. I'm scared, though.

[E]

Oh, yeah, you could.

[A]

I don't think it's bordering on fraud as much as it is just fraud.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, you were the one that set up the direct deposit for this check to go into your account, right? Because you're in the HR department.

[C]

Well, someone else helped me, but I don't want to say two more, but I guess, yeah, you could say I arranged it.

[A]

Did the. Was the other person aware that you were committing a crime to do this, or did you deceive the other person?

[C]

I don't want to say too much.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Someone else. Yeah, they are.

[D]

See, you been doing this, though, for two years. Yeah.

[C]

How much?

[D]

You're just upset you're about to get caught.

[E]

How much money are we talking about? Because that'll consider that that's what the jail time is.

[A]

And do you still have it or is it spent?

[C]

I have some of it. I mean, it's a lot of money. We're talking about a year's salary. The guy made around 650 a week, so.

[A]

So total 30,000. What's that, a year?

[D]

You said this only going on one year or two years?

[C]

Almost two years.

[A]

So it's more than 30, 50, or 60,000.

[C]

Let's see. So never really add it all up and half. Like, most of it is spent, but yeah, I mean, it's thousands.

[A]

Hey, Heidi.

[C]

Hey.

[A]

What's going on?

[C]

Oh, nothing. Listen, when they ask you what Joe does, what his description is, what do he do for the company? Just look. Just say, look, he quit. If there's no more. So you can avoid that. Now, of course, you're gonna have to deal with it down the line eventually, but for now, to save you for now, I would just say, look, Joe quit. I don't Know what happened to him? He just don't work here anymore.

[A]

There you go. Melissa is actually speechless.

[D]

I'm speechless that we're giving her advice because she's ruining this guy's credit. This, you know, IRS is going to go after this guy for two years of back taxes.

[B]

Oh, he's gonna go after her.

[D]

And she's. He doesn't. I mean, he has no clue right now. So I'm stunned that we're giving you advice. Yeah, but I'm stunned we're giving you advice because you're a criminal.

[A]

But whenever you file, when you. When you file taxes and you fill out the form, and even if you have the W2 sent to your house, what that means is that the government knows you made. Let's say you make $50,000 a year on your job. You get a copy of that, and then you give that to your H and R block dude who fills out all the forms and submits it. Well, the government also gets a copy of that. So when it comes in, it says, okay, well, according to the form the business sent, he made a total of $60,000 between his full time and his part time job. And then he looks at the tax form to make sure it's the same. What's going to happen with this dude is it's going to show him making 30 grand a year. The government thinks he's making 30 grand a year more and more. And because his tax dude doesn't have any idea, he doesn't even write that down. And that means he's gonna get audited

[B]

and he's gonna have to claim his innocence. Because at first they might think that he's the one trying to hide it.

[A]

He's gonna have to go. What are you talking about?

[D]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. She's screwing this guy. And the only reason that her voice is shaky today is because she's getting caught. She has no. She doesn't care about this dude. She doesn't care that she's been stealing money. She doesn't care about any of that.

[B]

You're getting caught.

[D]

You're a criminal.

[A]

Here's Danielle with some real talk. Hey, Danielle.

[C]

Hi. She's gonna get caught regardless because I work for a major retailer and I knew about somebody stealing and I got caught with it. So I got put on stuff. I take it. I've been on probation for two years and went to jail for a smaller, only $800 fee. She's gonna get caught.

[A]

And you weren't even the one who physically Took the money?

[C]

No, I knew about it, and it was under my numbers because I was training her.

[B]

Oh, so you went to jail for just being aware of somebody else stealing from the company?

[C]

Yeah, and it was in my number, so I got caught. She got caught with federal offense. Only that I think. Misdemeanors. Wow.

[D]

I don't know why. I don't know why. You don't think that this is a serious offense? I don't. I mean, this is it.

[C]

No, it is serious. She is. She's doing a federal offense. They know about it and they're going to get her for two years of this. She's gone. She's gonna disappear, and that's what's gonna happen.

[A]

Well, I don't think. I mean, disappearing seems a little communist about the whole thing.

[E]

No. Yeah, pretty much.

[A]

They just make her disappear.

[E]

It's very felonies.

[A]

Here's Laura with the best advice of the morning. Hey, Laura.

[C]

Hey. I'm a cpa and I really think this girl just needs to go hire an attorney. This is a big deal. The way that she's talking about how I needed the money like we studied in school. She's rationalizing what she did. There is no excuse. Please, sweetheart, go get a lawyer and just come clean. The sooner you do, the better it's going to be for you down the road. But yes, you are going to pay serious consequences. How?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

This is a. It's felony money.

[D]

And Brandy, just criminal act that she's doing.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Because of the amount. What is the amount? That makes it a felony or makes it a misdemeanor to you?

[E]

It's over 10,000.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And Brandi, it's. If you're just so, you know, if you think you can sit in the meeting with the boss and say anything, like, we can hear your voice quivering right now, and we can hear you on the edge.

[D]

I don't care what she did.

[A]

If you're trying to. If you're gonna thinking about trying to fake it today, you either gotta way improve your acting skills or I would just not do it because you're not gonna be able to pull it off. If you're sitting across from the boss, going folder by folder with each employee. You're gonna wet your pants when you get to the fake dude.

[C]

So I'm really scared. I am really scared.

[D]

Why weren't you scared two years ago

[A]

when you said that's when she needed the money?

[D]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Right. I just. I guess I got in over my head. I didn't really realize how serious it was at the time, and now it's just. I'm just. It snowballed, and I was just gonna do it for a couple of weeks, and then it just kept going, and I didn't have it. I don't know. I'm just in over my head, and I'm really scared.

[B]

I think that last call was right. You need to get an attorney, and you need to fess it up.

[A]

Good luck to you. Okay. The Bird show. Hey, Ellie. Welcome to the bird show.

[C]

Hey, how are you?

[E]

Oh, good.

[A]

How are you? How are you? You seem back up.

[C]

Yes, it's early.

[A]

Relatively so.

[B]

Remember who you're talking to.

[A]

Yep. We have currently been up for four hours, but that's cool. Early for you. So tell us about your friend or this guy that you know.

[C]

Yeah, so this. This friend of mine. We've been friends forever, and, you know, we went to different schools, but we're both graduating and saw him the other night, and he was telling me about this woman that he met, and he's crazy about her and stuff, and he was being really shy about how he met her. So I'm like, who is this person? Like, where'd you meet her? And he finally found out that he's one of his friends from school. It's his mom.

[D]

Hmm.

[B]

So it's his college buddy's mom that he is infatuated with or.

[C]

Totally.

[A]

And she's single and available to have.

[C]

Single and available. But that doesn't make it right. I just. I don't know what to do. Of course he. He hasn't told his friend that he's crazy about his mom. He's totally flirted with the mom. The mom flirted back a little because she's newly single, and he's thinking of asking her out. And, you know, I. I don't know what. It's like. It's like a train wreck about to happen. I don't know what to do.

[A]

I don't think you need to do anything.

[C]

Right.

[E]

Well, how long have they been friends?

[C]

Throughout college. Like, they're both graduating. You know, I think he graduated, like, a semester early. His friend's graduating in the fall. He's having to go to summer school, and that's why he's not here. So, you know, it's like a friendship that's gone on for, you know, what, three or four years? And I just. I feel like my friend's flushing it all down the toilet, and I don't know what to do. I. I don't know. Do I keep My mouth shut and look the other way or do I say something? You know, it's one of those awkward things. I just.

[B]

Well, we all have a friend like you in our groups that likes to be in the midst of everything. It sounds like you just want to be in the midst of everything because this is a kind of may, you know, potentially scandalous whatever, but I don't think you need to be in the

[D]

middle of it, really.

[B]

I mean, you could encourage him to talk to his guy friend before he asks out the moment or get his blessing or permission or whatever. But what if he says no? Then he could be missing out on a really great relationship with this woman.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

I mean, so against it. Why are you so against the relationship with the mom?

[B]

Is it the age difference is bothering you or the friendship?

[D]

Is it the fact that he's the mom?

[C]

I think it's. I'm not sure. I'm not. It just seems so out of the blue, and I just. I'm just. I don't know how much of it is that he really likes or how much of it is he really likes the idea of it. And I don't know, maybe I do need to just keep my mouth shut.

[A]

Do you like this guy, by any chance?

[C]

We used to go out, so. Yeah. Well, listen, it's not that I like him like him. It's that I really care about him.

[D]

Well, I think that, I mean, I think you.

[A]

You just don't want to see him get hurt.

[C]

Yeah, I really, you know, this person that the son of the woman is a really great friend of his. And I just, you know, I feel like sometimes guys don't think about it as much as girls do. Like ruining a friendship over something like that.

[A]

Is it. I mean, there are always. I think Jen touched on this, and I think it's more often. But there are guys who do this, too. But there are oftentimes girls who like to place themselves in situations that are dramatic so that they have something to do. Do you think that maybe that's what you're doing?

[C]

I don't think. I'm not sure.

[D]

Well, if you're not sure, then you can't do anything about it. I mean, if you really. If you're really grossed out by him asking a friend's mom out, that's one thing. But if you have feelings for this dude, then, I mean, you can't.

[C]

I mean, I mean, I guess it's a little bit of everything, but. But really, really, really, for the most part, it's just. It's just a train wreck about to happen. And it's like, do you think it might not be?

[E]

It might not be. I mean, it might be a really cool relationship.

[B]

And if you've still got feelings for

[E]

him, that's the problem.

[C]

I mean, I guess that's kind of why I called. It's like, do I just keep my mouth shut or say something?

[E]

So let's just say their relationship worked out. Would you still be friends with this guy?

[C]

Oh, of course.

[E]

Would you support the relationship?

[C]

Yes. Yes, I would. I really adore him. Yeah.

[D]

Well, I mean, yeah, I think that it is kind of funny that he's asking his friend's mom out. And I think in any situation, you're like, well, did you check with your buddy before he asked his mom out? I mean, that is kind of bold to do that. But, yeah, I mean, that's the furthest I'd go.

[C]

Weird. On a lot of different levels. You know, we're just graduating from college, and so, yeah, life a little different now.

[B]

So you said that the mom is newly single. Is the mom newly single from the dad?

[C]

No. No, no, no.

[B]

So mom and dad have been broken up for a while, but mom was in a different relationship, and then out of that one. Okay. Because I could see why he wouldn't want to approach his friend if he's like, hey, buddy, your dad just stepped out of the picture. Let me just jump on right in. But I think it's different. I mean, if she's been dating and, you know, and it's. It's not that I don't think it would be as sensitive to the sun in that situation.

[A]

Hey, Beth. Welcome to the bird show.

[C]

Hey, good morning, guys.

[A]

How are you?

[C]

I have a question for you guys. If put yourself back in college, you've been friends with your college friends for, you know, three, four years, and your friend came to you and said, hey, I want to ask your mom out, or, I want to ask your dad out. Wouldn't you find that to be crazy? Wouldn't you bring.

[A]

It would be weird, but it doesn't mean it shouldn't happen. It would definitely be freaky.

[D]

I mean, yeah, it would freak me out, and I think it's a weird thing. But in the case of our listener, how much responsibility does she have in that?

[A]

Zero.

[C]

I don't. I think she needs to kind of stay out of it. I agree with you there, but I just. You guys seems kind of blase about the whole thing, and I'm thinking that would freak me out. I'd Be like, ew.

[B]

No, you're right. Yeah, you're right. I think it's just putting ourselves back in that.

[D]

That place, I think is weird.

[A]

Happy. Welcome to the bird show.

[C]

Hi. Hey. When I was in college, my best girlfriend's father was single. Came to visit. He and I hit it off. We dated for six years.

[E]

Whoa.

[C]

Split it up. We are still best friends today. I love his new wife. His daughter and I are still friends. Her husband and kids play with my kids. Everything worked out wonderful. So I think this lady should just butt out.

[A]

So he came to visit. I just want to go back to the. When he came to visit your roommate.

[C]

Right, right.

[A]

So how did you guys come to a point where you hit it off? Like, did he take you? Because usually when a parent comes to visit, they take out the. The kid. But then, like, every friend that can latch on and get a free meal because, you know.

[C]

Exactly. Exactly. He took me and her out. Cause we were roommates, and he and I just hit it off and laughed. Mind you, he had been widowed for four years, and I got her blessings. She was happy to see her dad. Happy.

[A]

All right. Thanks for the call, Happy.

[B]

But I do think that's rare.

[A]

Hey. Hey.

[D]

I don't think it's cool, but, I mean, it is kind of weird. I wouldn't want anybody to ask my parent out. But again, focusing back on our listener, is she responsible for, you know, trying to stop?

[A]

Hey, Jason, you think Ellie has to intervene here?

[C]

Oh, absolutely not. Girls. Crazy. Crazy.

[D]

Why is she crazy?

[C]

There's no reason for her to be involved. She's. If she's so concerned for him, she needs to just, you know, lay it on the line. Professor love for him and. And take her stand now. But to try to get involved. Oh, gosh.

[A]

Yeah. I'm.

[C]

No reason to. No reason to get involved.

[A]

I'm sniffing out a lot of either jealousy or that the girl who's the friend who's always involved. Personally.

[B]

No, I think it's jealousy. I mean, she said they used to date Ellie. I mean, can you admit you still got feelings for this guy and that's why you don't want him to date the cougar Cough.

[C]

It's just that I still worry about him. Yeah. You know, I guess maybe my feelings are theirs that I worry about him. And, you know, Okay. I mean, if it. I mean, listen, I didn't know if it was weird or not. That's why I called in. But if people think it's not weird, fine.

[B]

I have to be worried about Your ex. So the majority of college, go have fun.

[A]

The majority of people have said that you don't need to be involved. You don't need to do anything.

[D]

So I think it's two separate issues, whether it's weird or not. But I think that you obviously are clouded in your feelings for them, so you just have to stay out regardless of how dramatic it gets.

[A]

Hey, Chris, you'll be the last call on the topic.

[C]

Yeah, it's. That chick doesn't have anything to do with it. But the dude had to tell his friend because if one of my friends

[A]

asked out my mom, we're fist fighting right there. Now, does he have to tell him before the first ask or should they?

[E]

Oh, God, yeah.

[C]

Oh, yes. Dude, if somebody. If one of your friends asked out your mom, are you not going to be seriously PO'd?

[D]

We can't give inter Michelle a hard time for dating somebody 12 years older and having them. Having a child around her age and then you being cool with somebody asking your mom out.

[C]

You.

[A]

I'm not saying I'm cool or not cool with it. I'm just saying maybe they don't have to. It doesn't have to come up on the first date. Like, go out if there's chemistry.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Then, you know, somebody put their tongue in your mom's mouth.

[E]

Oh, shut up.

[A]

The bird show.

[B]

We need to get the phones ready because I was just reading this article this morning about Fergie, and Fergie has finally admitted that the most embarrassing moment in her life was when she peed herself during the show. Do you guys remember those photographs of her? Yeah. She said, I think everyone has seen the pictures on the Internet. When I didn't use the bathroom before I went on stage, we were doing let's get it Started, and I was jumping all over. Fergie says I should have used the toilet before I went on stage. That was and always will be the most embarrassing moment of my life. Fergie says I can never live it down. She peed her pants as an. So I'm just wondering as an adult, like, do people do that? Like, what made you pee your pants as an adult? Like, literally pee yourself.

[D]

I know there's been times where, like, you leave here and you're thinking, okay, I need to go to the bath. No, I'll wait till I get home. And you get stuck in traffic.

[A]

That's actually got to be a legitimate fear.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Because I've got to go before I'm getting on the interstate.

[D]

I've Been in that position because I've actually left the car to go in the bushes on the side of the interstate before coming back from Savannah.

[B]

That's so fun.

[E]

Little drip dry.

[D]

I mean, you know, shake. You shake a little bit.

[B]

You know, you see leftovers, McDonald's napkins in the glove compartment.

[D]

Yeah, that's what they're there for.

[E]

Exactly. Hey, that's what they're for.

[B]

But I'm just curious. When people actually, as grown adults, pee

[E]

in your pants, there's gonna be a

[D]

lot of drunk stories, too.

[A]

Hey, Bird show. What's going on?

[C]

Hi. Good morning.

[D]

Good morning.

[C]

Well, the first time I peed in my pants as an adult was when I was pregnant with my son.

[A]

Hold on one second. Did you just say the first time?

[C]

Yes, I. It's. I have two kids, and they were. They were both kind of big babies. And I gotta be honest. I bet you'll get more calls from this after you've had kids, especially if they're big. I have a nine pounder and a seven pounder.

[B]

Sounds like you're talking about Thanksgiving turkey.

[C]

I leak if I laugh too hard. I leak if I sneeze.

[D]

Tracy's panicked right now, but isn't that's horrible?

[C]

It is. It's horrible. And some of my girlfriends, who are also moms, I mean, when we're all laughing and hanging out, you can tell who has kids because we all cross our legs because we're laughing hard.

[B]

And have you ever full on, just, like, laughed in the grocery store and had, like, a wet spot?

[C]

Well, that's what happened when I was pregnant. My husband and I were going into Lowe's and I started sneezing.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

And all of a sudden, I said, oh, God, we need to go home. And he said, what? And I said, look, I just peed all over myself. And I was wearing. I was big and pregnant, and I was wearing these overalls, and there was a total wet spot. It was the. You know, when you're pregnant, you feel ugly. Anyway, so when you're sitting there with pee, you know, you're like, I am the most unsexy thing ever.

[B]

I don't think it was the pregnancy or the pee. I think it was the overalls.

[A]

The men are not sexy.

[E]

Never. Never.

[D]

I will never listen to this show again.

[B]

No, overalls are never sexy.

[A]

Hey, never.

[D]

But Tracy is panicked because she made the comment, after you're pregnant, it's easier to do that when you have a big baby. And, you know, Tracy talks about her obese fetus.

[A]

Unless it's already happened. Hey, Becky. Welcome to the show.

[C]

Hey, what's up?

[B]

When did you pay yourself?

[C]

Well, I don't have the excuse of having ever been pregnant. Sometimes I just laugh so much that I'll tinkle a little.

[E]

Does it happen often?

[C]

Well, it's not all that often, but, I mean, sometimes I'm just hanging out with my friends, and I hang out with really, really funny people, and then just I have to go to the bathroom real quick. So it's never more than, like, a few drops, but still, it's. Oh, my God.

[D]

Yeah, My sister's best friend in high school had that issue. And so every time when she'd get a really hard laugh going. So it's almost as if when they saw her about to lose it, everybody.

[E]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[D]

It's not funny. But, yeah, when she said that, that

[E]

reminds her that she would laugh harder.

[D]

She would laugh so hard that they'd be riding. You know, like, in high school, what do you do? You ride around? They'd be riding around.

[B]

She's like, oh, so how embarrassing. Do we have anybody else over there?

[D]

I can't believe we haven't had any drunk stories yet. Because I can imagine the drunk, you know.

[B]

Yeah, I've done it where I've woken up in the middle of the night and almost done it. Like, where, you know, you have the dream to be like you're doing it, but not in public.

[A]

We actually had a call that said that, but she hung up where she. It happened to her last night.

[E]

Oh, no. Hey, Bircho wet the bed.

[C]

Good morning.

[A]

Hey, how are you? Good morning.

[C]

Hey. Good. I never peed in my pants, but I've heard my husband's a big football follower, and he says that professional players have to pee during the game because they can't leave to pee. So it's pretty common. They just go in their pants.

[E]

That can't be true.

[A]

And that's who Wendy wants to date.

[E]

Not anymore. No way.

[A]

Hey, Caroline. Welcome to the show.

[C]

Hey. Thank you.

[A]

What's going on?

[C]

Great to be here. I have a story I used to. So I feel very comfortable telling this story. I was at the supermarket, and I kind of felt that I could wait, and I figured, oh, let me just get out of here real quick. I went on self check, and I just never made it out. I had black pants on. You couldn't tell, but there was a big puddle, and I was mortified. I had to run out the store, send my mom back in, and make her go and get my stuff. And this is like a couple of years ago.

[B]

You peed in a puddle on the

[E]

floor at the checkout.

[A]

How old were you at the time?

[C]

Oh, I was, like, 38. Yeah. Now I make sure I go ahead of time.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So you know what? You've all got something in common with Fergie, and she's a successful grown woman, right?

[B]

Yes.

[E]

Well, next time she's in, we'll play all these stories for her.

[A]

Hey, Shannon.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Welcome to the show.

[C]

Thank you. Many times I've had a little leak, but I went to a fun show with a group of ladies and men and their kids where they had a horse ring, horse riding ring. And we were playing games where you would hold a spoon with water on it, and you were trotting your horse, and somebody would say, turn your horse left. So I got on the horse. And, you know, it's really different when a horse decides to stop and then take off and go the next way. And you don't ride a horse normally. Well, this horse, they said they would go really slow for me. Well, slow on a horse that does. That is not very slow. I kept yelling, you better stop the horse. You better stop, because I'm peeing. I'm peeing.

[E]

And they wouldn't stop.

[C]

And I'm like, I'm peeing. I felt what I got. And somebody's there taking pictures, and I get up, and it's like the whole saddle is soaking we. Yeah. The first time I'm looking, you say. I'm like, I told you I had to pee, and I was literally soaking wet. I was disgusting.

[A]

Giddy up.

[E]

I've heard of.

[D]

I've heard of athlete, like, runners have I have said before that sometimes they have a harder time. I don't know why that. I don't know why, but there were some runners somewhere talking about how there may be some leak issues.

[A]

It's a lot of pounding for a long time, and it all rattles up your bladder. Hey, Amy, you are gonna be our last call.

[C]

Hey, how are you guys?

[A]

Did you pee your pants?

[C]

I love your show. I love you.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Well, I have the worst story ever. I know this is awful, but as I grew older, I became allergic to, like, different preservatives, and I became allergic to a preservative that's on salad a lot of times. And I was out with friends. There was two couples out, and we were eating salad, and in our dinner. And then we left that place and went to a bar.

[B]

Mm.

[C]

Well, this allergic reaction happened, and what happens is I get diarrhea. No, no, no, no, no. Yes. It's awful. No, I didn't think about it because this reaction only happened like, one time to me, so I didn't think about it. Well, my stomach started gurgling and I got up and I left and went into the restroom and it exploded all over me.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

Yes. It was terrible. Terrible.

[B]

It went down your pants and stuff, like you didn't make it.

[C]

I just had to stay in the stall until somebody could go get me some change of clothes.

[A]

So somebody actually had to go home and get you a change of clothes?

[D]

You poor thing.

[C]

Awful.

[E]

So embarrassing.

[D]

Something is funny, but it's really brown and red.

[A]

That sucks. Sorry about that, Amy, but thank you for sharing the story with us. We sure do appreciate it. The Burt Show.