Transcript

A (0:00)

The Birch Show. We have a bird show listener who needs some advice. She is. She's coming on with us, I think. Cause she heard we were talking about where we had Human resources on with us recently.

B (0:12)

We were talking about stinky people.

A (0:13)

Yeah, stinky people. Well, now. Now we are the human resource experts, okay? And Brandy's got a problem at the office. So, Brandy, we'll do our best to help you out. You are on the voice disguiser. Hi, how are you?

C (0:27)

Hey. I did something a couple years ago, and I'm really scared I'm about to get in major trouble for it.

D (0:34)

Okay. What'd you do?

C (0:38)

Well, I don't want to give too many details because I'm really scared I might get in trouble. But I work for a company in Human Resources, and a couple years ago, this guy was interviewed and he was about to be hired. And he filled out all the paperwork and he was set to come on board. And he decided at the last minute he wasn't going to take the job. But all the paperwork was submitted, and, you know, the position that he had really didn't have that much work. And so the rest of us or the other people in that department just kind of absorbed his work. And I processed the paperwork already, and lo and behold, like 14 days later, his first paycheck came into Human Resources department and landed on my desk. And then two weeks later, another paycheck came and, well, basically, I had a way of arranging. I know this is wrong, but I really needed the money and the paychecks were just building up. For the past two years, I've actually been having his payroll checks direct deposited in my account.

E (1:48)

No way.

B (1:49)

For two years?

A (1:50)

So you've got two years worth of another man's salary in your bank account?

C (1:57)

Yeah, well, not anymore. She's been spending it because of the economy and the company's budget. The VP is meeting with all the heads of different departments, and I have been called into a meeting with him tomorrow. And they're going to eliminate certain positions that aren't needed for the company. And I'm just terrified that they're going to find out what I've done, so.

A (2:22)

Because they're going to go down everybody in the company and go, okay, Melissa Carter. What does she do? Is she valuable? What's she making? All right, we got to keep her. Jen. Hobby. No, you know what? Melissa can do her job, but you

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Friday, April 3 [Vault]

Date: April 3, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & the Bert Show Cast

Episode Overview

This lively episode of The Bert Show delivers the trademark mix of real-life drama, relatable listener stories, candid crew banter, and a healthy dose of humor. The morning kicks off with a jaw-dropping HR confession from a caller, shifts into a debate about dating a friend's parent, and rounds out with embarrassing adult mishaps, all peppered with direct audience calls and memorable, unfiltered moments.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. HR Confessional: Stolen Paychecks and Moral Dilemmas

(00:00–11:46)

Brandy’s Confession:
- Listener Brandy, disguised, admits to embezzling paychecks intended for an employee who never started at her company.
- She'd been pocketing these funds (about $1,300/month for almost two years, totaling $30,000–$60,000+) by arranging direct deposits to herself while working in HR.
Fear of Discovery:
- Brandy reveals she’s been summoned by her company VP in the wake of layoffs and budget scrutiny, fearing imminent exposure.
Legal and Ethical Analysis:
- The hosts and fellow callers respond with shock and straightforward advice to come clean, highlighting multiple federal crimes involved (fraud, identity theft, tax evasion).
- Susan, a caller, shares a similar case: “She will not be able to get away with this because there’s one thing you can’t get away with and that’s the IRS.” (03:10)
- Thea, another caller and loss prevention manager, delivers a blunt warning: “She needs to turn herself in... the hammer is going to come down hard on her… she has now stolen from every single person that works there.” (04:42)
- The segment concludes by urging Brandy to hire an attorney and brace for serious consequences.
Memorable Moment:
- “You either gotta way improve your acting skills or just not do it because you're not gonna be able to pull it off. If you're sitting across from the boss... you're gonna wet your pants..." — Bert (11:01)

2. Friend’s Mom Dilemma: Boundaries and Jealousy

(11:55–21:12)

Ellie’s Story:
- Ellie calls in worried that her longtime friend wants to ask out their mutual college buddy’s single, recently-divorced mother—a situation she feels is a “train wreck about to happen.”
Team Reaction:
- The cast urges her to stay out of it, questioning whether her motives are protective or jealous, especially after she admits to previously dating the friend in question.
- “We all have a friend like you… that likes to be in the midst of everything… but I don't think you need to be in the middle of it.” — Kristin (14:07)
- They suggest, if anything, the friend ought to be candid with his buddy before pursuing the mom, but that’s his call.
Listener Experiences:
- Callers reminisce about similar unusual couplings (“I dated my best friend’s father for six years…we’re all still friends today.” — Happy, 18:32).
- The consensus: it’s awkward but not unprecedented, and Ellie has no responsibility to interfere.
Memorable Moment:
- “If one of my friends asked out my mom, we’re fist fighting right there.” — Chris (21:15)

3. Adult Embarrassment: Peeing Your Pants and Bodily Mishaps

(22:01–30:50)

Fergie Sets the Topic:
- The group reacts to Fergie’s famous on-stage accident (peeing her pants) and opens the phone lines for listeners’ similar confessions.
Funny and Relatable Admissions:
- Listeners share stories ranging from pregnancy leaks (“When we’re all laughing and hanging out, you can tell who has kids because we all cross our legs.” — Caller, 24:01) to public accidents at the self-checkout, nights out, and even horseback mishaps.
- The cast weighs in with their own fears and near-misses, laughing about glove compartment napkins and pregnancy’s effect on bladders.
Athletes & Pee:
- Some callers mention that professional athletes will sometimes go during games, blowing minds and grossing out others.
Ending with a Bang:
- The final caller recounts an epic public digestive accident triggered by a salad ingredient allergy—capping the segment with relatable mortification and empathy.
Notable Quote:
- “Now I make sure I go ahead of time.” — Caroline, after a supermarket disaster (27:36)
- “As grown adults, do people really pee their pants?” — Bert, launching one of the episode's most memorable, lighthearted discussions. (22:16)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Exchange | |-----------|----------|----------------| | 03:10 | Susan (caller) | “She will not be able to get away with this because there’s one thing you can’t get away with and that’s the IRS.” | | 04:42 | Thea (caller) | “She needs to turn herself in... the hammer is going to come down hard on her… she has now stolen from every single person that works there.” | | 11:01 | Bert | “You either gotta way improve your acting skills or just not do it because you’re not gonna be able to pull it off. If you’re sitting across from the boss... you’re gonna wet your pants...” | | 14:07 | Kristin | “We all have a friend like you… that likes to be in the midst of everything… but I don’t think you need to be in the middle of it.” | | 21:15 | Chris (caller) | “If one of my friends asked out my mom, we’re fist fighting right there.” | | 24:01 | Caller | “When we’re all laughing and hanging out, you can tell who has kids because we all cross our legs.” | | 27:36 | Caroline (caller) | “Now I make sure I go ahead of time.” | | 22:16 | Bert | “As grown adults, do people really pee their pants?” |

Timestamps for Key Segments

HR Embezzlement Confessional: 00:00 – 11:46
Dating a Friend’s Mom: 11:55 – 21:12
Embarrassing Adult Accidents: 22:01 – 30:50

Tone & Style

The episode maintains the Bert Show’s signature: conversational, edgy, and honest with a balance of empathy and humor. Listeners and cast speak candidly, occasionally teasing but always engaging the topic head-on, no matter how serious or silly.

Summary Takeaways

If you’re in legal jeopardy (especially with the IRS), come clean and get a lawyer.
Matters of the heart—especially taboo-ish ones—are best left for those directly involved, and sometimes jealousy clouds perspective.
Embarrassing moments (even adult accidents!) are more common than you think—and laughter is the best medicine.

Perfect episode for fans of honest advice, relatable fails, and the comfort of knowing you’re never alone in your life’s more awkward moments.