The Bert Show – Full Show Pt 1: Friday, January 16 [Vault]

Pionaire Podcasting | January 16, 2026

Episode Overview

In this lively and candid edition of The Bert Show, Bert, Melissa, Jeff, and the team kick off the morning with authentic banter and comic insights, focusing on the everyday industry secrets only "insiders" know. Listeners and show members share practical, lesser-known hacks from their professional worlds, ranging from travel and buying gas to classroom communication and sports events. The show then pivots to a spirited "I don't get it" pop-culture discussion—where the hosts and callers confess the celebrities, shows, and cultural phenomena they just can't understand the hype for. To close, the team dives into an outrageous, true-life listener drama about a stolen "adult toy," sparking jaw-dropping phone-ins and laughter.

Professional "Insider Tips" Segment

[00:01–13:47]

Industry Hacks from the Pros

The hosts encourage listeners to share lesser-known tips from their fields to help the general public navigate daily hassles. The segment is packed with rapid-fire advice from both the hosts and callers.

Gasoline Savings

• Melissa: “Gas price watchers say the best day to fill up is on Wednesdays because prices tend to go up on Mondays and on Thursdays before 10am.” (00:56)
• Extra tip: "Avoid gas stations right next to highways or interstates...prices tend to be higher than those that are further into town." (00:56)
• Melissa, on airport gas stations: “Avoid gas stations near the airport because people returning rental cars, we don’t have a choice there.” (01:29)

Sports & Entertainment Hacks

• Burt: “Don’t attempt to get on the Braves vision screen…if you’re not wearing apparel for the Braves or the team that they are playing.” (02:38)
• Melissa (tongue-in-cheek): “On screen, you need to be a hot chick guzzling beer with big boobs.” (03:22)

Medical Appointments

• Desiree (caller): “If you’re the first patient in the morning or the first patient in the afternoon after lunch…then you don’t have to wait. You don’t have anybody in front of you.” (03:32)
• Host: “You just ask them. You just say, what’s your first appointment after lunch?” (03:49)

DMV Waiting Time

• Host's tip from DC: “If the DMV in Virginia closed at 5, show up at 4:45…they close off the line. So you wouldn’t have to spend four or five hours in a line.” (04:08)
• Melissa: “If you go one of the smaller offices, that might work..." (04:36)

Airline Ticket Booking

• Deanna (airline employee): “The best time to buy those lower fares are on Tuesdays and Wednesdays...usually like midday.” (04:59)
• Host clarifies: “So Tuesdays and Wednesday…are the best days for travel.” (05:55)
• Melissa: “To complete on Wednesday, get the cheapest fare.” (05:59)

Teacher Communication

• Amanda (teacher): “The best way to get in touch with a teacher is to email. We don’t have telephones in our classroom…It’s hard for us to call parents back.” (06:18)

Car Buying Tips

• John (caller): “Most dealerships have websites for their used cars as well as their pricing on new cars…nine times out of ten, the pricing on the website is far less than when you go by the dealership and see the pricing across the window.” (06:59)
• On financing: “If you want to save...pull your credit, have your credit in hand first...the higher your score, the better your chances are financing and the lessens your chances of getting ripped off.” (07:39)

Home Buying (Closing Costs)

• Kristen (closing attorney): “If you ask when you get your title insurance, if you get owners and lenders at the same time title insurance, you ask for a simultaneous issue. They will only charge you $50 for your lender’s title policy...” (09:49)

Event & Arena Upgrades

• Lori (Phillips Arena): “They have a block of seats...If you’re afraid of heights and your seats are very, very high...they will relocate you. Especially if you go to the first aid room and talk to one of the nurses there.” (10:23)

Travel Delay Avoidance

• Matt (air traffic controller): "To avoid delays...try to travel during the morning because all of the afternoon thunderstorms make a lot of ground delays." (11:37)

Gas Additive for Fuel Economy

• Morgan: "A 99 cent bottle of fuel treatment...will up the rating of whatever gas you actually put into your vehicle...the key is making sure you keep it up." (12:08)

Notable Quotes

• "If you’re wearing Mets gear and it’s a Padres Braves series...they’re gonna put the Braves fans up to show the Braves fans and we’re gonna put the...Padres fans up to make fun of them." — Burt (02:38)
• "If you know what your [credit] score is…the higher your score, the better your chances are financing and the lessens your chances of getting ripped off." — John, caller (07:39)
• "If you want to get in touch with a teacher, always email." — Amanda, teacher (06:18)

Pop Culture and Celebrity "I Don’t Get It" Discussion

[13:53–21:31]

The show pivots into a fun confessional, with hosts and callers sharing the celebrities and pop culture icons whose popularity baffles them.

Celebrities & Trends They "Don't Get"

• Paris Hilton
  • Host: “I just don’t get [Paris Hilton]...I look at her and I just see trashy non celebrity.” (15:04)
• Napoleon Dynamite
  • Host: “I have tried and tried and tried to be cool enough to laugh at Napoleon Dynamite...I still think it’s the worst movie ever.” (16:07)
  • Jeff: “I think it is the best movie ever. It reminds me...of all those, like, complete dorks in high school.” (16:19)
• Ashton Kutcher
  • Caller: “I don’t get the overall appeal of him. I don’t think he’s all that in anything.” (17:09)
  • Jeff: “I don’t think he’s funny. I don’t think he’s stylish. I don’t think he’s cute. I don’t get it.” (17:18)
• Dr. Phil
  • Melissa: “I especially didn’t understand why people were so ready to follow him on his weight loss book when the man was overweight himself." (17:24)
• Shakira
  • Caller: “You can’t understand what she’s singing unless you are...Hispanic...And the way she dances, it just drives me crazy.” (17:43)
  • Host: “That double jointed abdomen...I’m all [set].”
• Tara Reid
  • Host: “She put the hoe in Hollywood. She’s a drunk.” (19:02)
• Will Ferrell
  • Caller: “Oh my God, he isn’t so annoying. The Wedding Crashers was great until he showed up.” (19:26)
  • Host: “As soon as he comes on screen, I start laughing.” (19:40)
• Jessica Simpson
  • Caller: “I’m sorry. The girl gets on my nerves. I think she’s so stupid. She cannot sing.” (20:05)
• Hilary Duff
  • Caller: “She cannot act. And she tries to be so innocent. She needs to go on Passions. She cannot act.” (20:42)
  • Melissa: “That was a cute show [Lizzie McGuire]...But since she changed, I’m done.” (20:55)

Listener Drama: The Stolen Toy

[21:36–30:38]

An outrageous, only-on-Bert Show listener story about a stolen sex toy unspools with humor and a dash of shock, inviting calls from listeners who up the ante with even wilder stories.

The Main Story

• Angie (caller) recounts: Years ago, her vibrator and an adult movie went missing from her apartment. She initially suspected the exterminator (“bug man”). Turns out, it was a close friend who took the items and even used them with her boyfriend. (22:20–26:54)

  • “I just assumed that maybe she had done something with it. Well, I had…I asked the roommate and she was like, oh my God, no…” (22:44)
  • “Well, come to find out, it wasn’t the poor little bug man. It was a so-called best friend of mine.” (23:52)
  • “I could have went with you to buy one, or I could have bought one for you…” (25:34)
  • On confronting her friend: “She just come up with, well, maybe this other girl took it.” (25:15)
  • Melissa: “Even...because I date women...You don’t steal my girlfriends. I don’t even use a used one, no, no, no, no. So not a friend.” (26:22)

• Melissa shares her philosophy: “Even at that point, I mean, you just go and get something new for the two of you…you just don’t use a used one…” (26:22)

The Mom’s Stash Stunner

• Sharon (caller, via voice disguiser): “In high school, I was dating a guy...proceeds to introduce me to one [a toy]. And after we were done, he confided that it was his mother’s.” (29:23)
• Host: “I can’t even muster up a laugh for you. I feel so bad.” (30:05)
• Melissa: “If you have guns in the house to lock them away, this is when it’s...Mothers lock it away.” (30:38)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|-------------|------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:56 | Melissa | “Gas price watchers say the best day to fill up is on Wednesdays…” | | 02:38 | Burt | “Don’t attempt to get on the Braves vision screen…if you’re not wearing apparel for the Braves”| | 06:18 | Amanda | “The best way to get in touch with a teacher is to email.” | | 12:08 | Morgan | "A 99 cent bottle of fuel treatment...will up the rating of whatever gas..." | | 15:04 | Host | “I just don’t get [Paris Hilton]…I look at her and I just see trashy non celebrity.” | | 16:07 | Host | “I have tried…and I still think it’s the worst movie ever.” (on Napoleon Dynamite) | | 17:18 | Jeff | “I don’t think he’s funny. I don’t think he’s stylish. I don’t think he’s cute.” (on Kutcher) | | 19:02 | Host | “She put the hoe in Hollywood. She’s a drunk.” (On Tara Reid) | | 21:13 | Host | “It just sucks when you’re around all these people that just absolutely adore these icons and you’re like, I just don’t get it.” | | 24:47 | Angie | “She and her boyfriend broke up. And he called me and said, you know, wasn’t you missing a couple of things?...they had used it and everything.” | | 29:23 | Sharon | “…he confided in me that it was his mother’s.” (on the toy) |

Key Segment Timestamps

• 00:01–13:47 | Industry Hacks & Insider Professional Tips
• 13:53–21:31 | Pop Culture “I Don’t Get It” Roundtable
• 21:36–30:38 | Listener Drama: The Stolen Toy & Related Calls

Tone and Style

The episode remains lighthearted, cheeky, sometimes irreverent, with a quick, authentic back-and-forth unique to morning radio. Humor, honesty, and a touch of shock value (especially in the Sex Toy segment) keep the energy high and the laughs rolling, while providing useful tips and relatable moments.

For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This episode is a quintessential Bert Show blend: practical life hacks, sharp pop culture banter, and jaw-dropping real-life drama—perfect for a morning pick-me-up or just feeling "in" on the secrets of everyday life.