Full Show PT 1: Friday, January 16 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show Pt 1: Friday, January 16 [Vault]

Pionaire Podcasting | January 16, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively and candid edition of The Bert Show, Bert, Melissa, Jeff, and the team kick off the morning with authentic banter and comic insights, focusing on the everyday industry secrets only "insiders" know. Listeners and show members share practical, lesser-known hacks from their professional worlds, ranging from travel and buying gas to classroom communication and sports events. The show then pivots to a spirited "I don't get it" pop-culture discussion—where the hosts and callers confess the celebrities, shows, and cultural phenomena they just can't understand the hype for. To close, the team dives into an outrageous, true-life listener drama about a stolen "adult toy," sparking jaw-dropping phone-ins and laughter.

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Professional "Insider Tips" Segment

[00:01–13:47]

Industry Hacks from the Pros

The hosts encourage listeners to share lesser-known tips from their fields to help the general public navigate daily hassles. The segment is packed with rapid-fire advice from both the hosts and callers.

Gasoline Savings

• Melissa: “Gas price watchers say the best day to fill up is on Wednesdays because prices tend to go up on Mondays and on Thursdays before 10am.” (00:56)
• Extra tip: "Avoid gas stations right next to highways or interstates...prices tend to be higher than those that are further into town." (00:56)
• Melissa, on airport gas stations: “Avoid gas stations near the airport because people returning rental cars, we don’t have a choice there.” (01:29)

Sports & Entertainment Hacks

• Burt: “Don’t attempt to get on the Braves vision screen…if you’re not wearing apparel for the Braves or the team that they are playing.” (02:38)
• Melissa (tongue-in-cheek): “On screen, you need to be a hot chick guzzling beer with big boobs.” (03:22)

Medical Appointments

• Desiree (caller): “If you’re the first patient in the morning or the first patient in the afternoon after lunch…then you don’t have to wait. You don’t have anybody in front of you.” (03:32)
• Host: “You just ask them. You just say, what’s your first appointment after lunch?” (03:49)

DMV Waiting Time

• Host's tip from DC: “If the DMV in Virginia closed at 5, show up at 4:45…they close off the line. So you wouldn’t have to spend four or five hours in a line.” (04:08)
• Melissa: “If you go one of the smaller offices, that might work..." (04:36)

Airline Ticket Booking

• Deanna (airline employee): “The best time to buy those lower fares are on Tuesdays and Wednesdays...usually like midday.” (04:59)
• Host clarifies: “So Tuesdays and Wednesday…are the best days for travel.” (05:55)
• Melissa: “To complete on Wednesday, get the cheapest fare.” (05:59)

Teacher Communication

• Amanda (teacher): “The best way to get in touch with a teacher is to email. We don’t have telephones in our classroom…It’s hard for us to call parents back.” (06:18)

Car Buying Tips

• John (caller): “Most dealerships have websites for their used cars as well as their pricing on new cars…nine times out of ten, the pricing on the website is far less than when you go by the dealership and see the pricing across the window.” (06:59)
• On financing: “If you want to save...pull your credit, have your credit in hand first...the higher your score, the better your chances are financing and the lessens your chances of getting ripped off.” (07:39)

Home Buying (Closing Costs)

• Kristen (closing attorney): “If you ask when you get your title insurance, if you get owners and lenders at the same time title insurance, you ask for a simultaneous issue. They will only charge you $50 for your lender’s title policy...” (09:49)

Event & Arena Upgrades

• Lori (Phillips Arena): “They have a block of seats...If you’re afraid of heights and your seats are very, very high...they will relocate you. Especially if you go to the first aid room and talk to one of the nurses there.” (10:23)

Travel Delay Avoidance

• Matt (air traffic controller): "To avoid delays...try to travel during the morning because all of the afternoon thunderstorms make a lot of ground delays." (11:37)

Gas Additive for Fuel Economy

• Morgan: "A 99 cent bottle of fuel treatment...will up the rating of whatever gas you actually put into your vehicle...the key is making sure you keep it up." (12:08)

Notable Quotes

• "If you’re wearing Mets gear and it’s a Padres Braves series...they’re gonna put the Braves fans up to show the Braves fans and we’re gonna put the...Padres fans up to make fun of them." — Burt (02:38)
• "If you know what your [credit] score is…the higher your score, the better your chances are financing and the lessens your chances of getting ripped off." — John, caller (07:39)
• "If you want to get in touch with a teacher, always email." — Amanda, teacher (06:18)

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Pop Culture and Celebrity "I Don’t Get It" Discussion

[13:53–21:31]

The show pivots into a fun confessional, with hosts and callers sharing the celebrities and pop culture icons whose popularity baffles them.

Celebrities & Trends They "Don't Get"

• Paris Hilton
  • Host: “I just don’t get [Paris Hilton]...I look at her and I just see trashy non celebrity.” (15:04)
• Napoleon Dynamite
  • Host: “I have tried and tried and tried to be cool enough to laugh at Napoleon Dynamite...I still think it’s the worst movie ever.” (16:07)
  • Jeff: “I think it is the best movie ever. It reminds me...of all those, like, complete dorks in high school.” (16:19)
• Ashton Kutcher
  • Caller: “I don’t get the overall appeal of him. I don’t think he’s all that in anything.” (17:09)
  • Jeff: “I don’t think he’s funny. I don’t think he’s stylish. I don’t think he’s cute. I don’t get it.” (17:18)
• Dr. Phil
  • Melissa: “I especially didn’t understand why people were so ready to follow him on his weight loss book when the man was overweight himself." (17:24)
• Shakira
  • Caller: “You can’t understand what she’s singing unless you are...Hispanic...And the way she dances, it just drives me crazy.” (17:43)
  • Host: “That double jointed abdomen...I’m all [set].”
• Tara Reid
  • Host: “She put the hoe in Hollywood. She’s a drunk.” (19:02)
• Will Ferrell
  • Caller: “Oh my God, he isn’t so annoying. The Wedding Crashers was great until he showed up.” (19:26)
  • Host: “As soon as he comes on screen, I start laughing.” (19:40)
• Jessica Simpson
  • Caller: “I’m sorry. The girl gets on my nerves. I think she’s so stupid. She cannot sing.” (20:05)
• Hilary Duff
  • Caller: “She cannot act. And she tries to be so innocent. She needs to go on Passions. She cannot act.” (20:42)
  • Melissa: “That was a cute show [Lizzie McGuire]...But since she changed, I’m done.” (20:55)

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Listener Drama: The Stolen Toy

[21:36–30:38]

An outrageous, only-on-Bert Show listener story about a stolen sex toy unspools with humor and a dash of shock, inviting calls from listeners who up the ante with even wilder stories.

The Main Story

• Angie (caller) recounts: Years ago, her vibrator and an adult movie went missing from her apartment. She initially suspected the exterminator (“bug man”). Turns out, it was a close friend who took the items and even used them with her boyfriend. (22:20–26:54)

  • “I just assumed that maybe she had done something with it. Well, I had…I asked the roommate and she was like, oh my God, no…” (22:44)
  • “Well, come to find out, it wasn’t the poor little bug man. It was a so-called best friend of mine.” (23:52)
  • “I could have went with you to buy one, or I could have bought one for you…” (25:34)
  • On confronting her friend: “She just come up with, well, maybe this other girl took it.” (25:15)
  • Melissa: “Even...because I date women...You don’t steal my girlfriends. I don’t even use a used one, no, no, no, no. So not a friend.” (26:22)

• Melissa shares her philosophy: “Even at that point, I mean, you just go and get something new for the two of you…you just don’t use a used one…” (26:22)

The Mom’s Stash Stunner

• Sharon (caller, via voice disguiser): “In high school, I was dating a guy...proceeds to introduce me to one [a toy]. And after we were done, he confided that it was his mother’s.” (29:23)
• Host: “I can’t even muster up a laugh for you. I feel so bad.” (30:05)
• Melissa: “If you have guns in the house to lock them away, this is when it’s...Mothers lock it away.” (30:38)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|-------------|------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:56 | Melissa | “Gas price watchers say the best day to fill up is on Wednesdays…” | | 02:38 | Burt | “Don’t attempt to get on the Braves vision screen…if you’re not wearing apparel for the Braves”| | 06:18 | Amanda | “The best way to get in touch with a teacher is to email.” | | 12:08 | Morgan | "A 99 cent bottle of fuel treatment...will up the rating of whatever gas..." | | 15:04 | Host | “I just don’t get [Paris Hilton]…I look at her and I just see trashy non celebrity.” | | 16:07 | Host | “I have tried…and I still think it’s the worst movie ever.” (on Napoleon Dynamite) | | 17:18 | Jeff | “I don’t think he’s funny. I don’t think he’s stylish. I don’t think he’s cute.” (on Kutcher) | | 19:02 | Host | “She put the hoe in Hollywood. She’s a drunk.” (On Tara Reid) | | 21:13 | Host | “It just sucks when you’re around all these people that just absolutely adore these icons and you’re like, I just don’t get it.” | | 24:47 | Angie | “She and her boyfriend broke up. And he called me and said, you know, wasn’t you missing a couple of things?...they had used it and everything.” | | 29:23 | Sharon | “…he confided in me that it was his mother’s.” (on the toy) |

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Key Segment Timestamps

• 00:01–13:47 | Industry Hacks & Insider Professional Tips
• 13:53–21:31 | Pop Culture “I Don’t Get It” Roundtable
• 21:36–30:38 | Listener Drama: The Stolen Toy & Related Calls

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Tone and Style

The episode remains lighthearted, cheeky, sometimes irreverent, with a quick, authentic back-and-forth unique to morning radio. Humor, honesty, and a touch of shock value (especially in the Sex Toy segment) keep the energy high and the laughs rolling, while providing useful tips and relatable moments.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This episode is a quintessential Bert Show blend: practical life hacks, sharp pop culture banter, and jaw-dropping real-life drama—perfect for a morning pick-me-up or just feeling "in" on the secrets of everyday life.

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Transcript

[Burt]

The Burt Show.

[Host]

Let's lean on each other here a little bit today, okay? Because Melissa brought in some what I thought were fascinating facts a couple of days ago. And I realized that when you are an expert in your own profession, you know things about your industry that others don't know. And if you could pass on that knowledge and help somebody else out, that would be huge. Right? Like for us, I mean, on the very, very, very superficial level, like when we're out, people are constantly complaining that they can't get through on the phone lines during a contest, right? Now, as a professional or an expert in this field, I can say to you, look, if you really want to beat the contest, here's what you do. Don't call in early, because whenever you call in early, you have no chance of winning. So you wait until we say call now, then you start calling. So as an expert in this field, I can give you that advice. And now you're better for it if you've been trying to win contests.

[Melissa]

Right. Now, the story that we had last week was someone who is a part of the gas industry. If you have to drive the day of the week, that you need to fill up your gas tank can make a difference in how much you pay. Now, gas price watchers say the best day to fill up is on Wednesdays because prices tend to go up on Mondays and on Thursdays before 10am so there is actually a system going on. And so they say you should also avoid gas stations right next to highways or interstates because their prices tend to be higher than those that are further into town.

[Host]

Okay, those are big. Those are big right there.

[Burt]

Avoid gas stations near the airport because people returning rental cars, we don't have a choice there.

[Host]

What was the first one there again, talking about?

[Melissa]

Wednesdays are the best days to fill up your tank because they actually, prices at the tank tend to go up on Mondays and Thursdays in the morning before 10 o'.

[Host]

Clock. I had no idea.

[Melissa]

So if you're so like next week.

[Burt]

Says, avoid gas stations in the United States.

[Caller]

Yeah, that's funny.

[Melissa]

Like, next week, next weekend is Labor Day. And they say, you know, Next Wednesday, the 31st is the day to fill up your tank before, if you're driving to go anywhere for Labor Day.

[Host]

Now that's so smart. So smart. So let me give the phone number out here. 404-741-1005. And in keeping with that theme, like, I'm hoping people like maybe in the travel industry will call us up and go, look, if you guys are trying to get some cut rates on flights. The smartest day to go on the Internet and look for those are blank, blank, blank, blank. If you're a doctor, maybe you have some insight on how we can get in to see you quicker than the three week waiting period that we usually get when we call you. Any kind of insight that you can give us into your profession would be really, really helpful.

[Burt]

I have one for everybody who goes to Braves games and wants to get up on the brand new Braves vision screen.

[Host]

Great. Ok, this is great.

[Burt]

Don't attempt to get on the Braves vision screen or don't be upset that you're not on Braves vision if you're not wearing apparel for the Braves or the team that they are playing. Because there's no reason to put you up on Braves vision for anything. If you're wearing Mets gear and it's a Padres Braves series, like they're gonna put the Braves fans up to show the Braves fans and we're gonna put the pad Padres fans up to make fun of them. So if you want to. And if you want to participate in a.

[Host]

By the way, you used Padre fans, you used plural.

[Melissa]

Oh, sorry if Bert's not at the game. Padres gear.

[Burt]

But like if, and if you want to participate in a contest or something, like be wearing Braves gear, you know, wear the. Wear a hat, wear a T shirt. And if you don't have one, get when you get to the ballpark or.

[Melissa]

On screen, you need to be a hot chick guzzling beer with big boobs.

[Host]

Right? That'll get you on also.

[Burt]

That helps too.

[Host]

Hey Desiree, you're on all the hits. Q100 high.

[Caller]

Hi, I was calling because I work in a doctor's office. You know, you always have to wait. And if you're the first patient in the morning or the first patient in the afternoon after lunch, if you make your appointments at those times, then you don't have to wait. You don't have anybody in front of you. So that's a good step.

[Host]

So how do you find out, like what time the office goes to lunch for you to be the first person into the office? The first patient?

[Caller]

You just ask them. You just say, what's your first appointment after lunch? In our case it's 1:30. So you call and you say I need to be the 1:30 patient on Thursday or whatever and you know, put you in. And if you're first patient in the morning, don't have to wait.

[Jeff]

Perfect.

[Host]

I knew somebody at the DMV in Washington D.C. and I don't know if you can pull this off here or not because it's such a different animal with the DMVs down here. But they used to say if the DMV in Virginia closed at 5 o', clock, show up at 4:45. That way you get in line and the amount of time that you're actually going to spend in line is really kind of capped out because as soon as you get in at 4:45, they close off the line. So you wouldn't have to spend four or five hours in a line. It's already passed by the time you get there.

[Melissa]

I guess it just depends on which DMV you're going to. If you go one of the smaller offices, that might work. But I know that there's been circumstances where the lines are wrapped around the building that they will actually cut off the line out. I mean, that won't work at the bigger offices. Yeah, you're not in if you're in under the timeline. Right?

[Host]

Yeah. The problem up there isn't nearly as bad as it is here. Good morning, Deanna. You're on all the hits q100.

[Caller]

Hi, guys. How are ya?

[Host]

Good, thank you.

[Expert]

Good.

[Caller]

Hey, I work for an airline and the best time to buy those lower fares are on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. And the best times of day to find those lower fares, you know, just throughout the week are usually like midday because a lot of the businessmen and stuff get their travel out of the way, like first thing on Monday, you know, and throughout the week during the morning stuff. So by the morning, evening.

[Burt]

I'm sorry, these are the best times to book or the best times to travel.

[Caller]

The best to book on the best days to book your travel or. No, I'm sorry. The best days to actually complete travel are on Tuesdays, Wednesdays. If you're going out on a Tuesday, coming back on a Wednesday, those are usually the best times to find those lower fares. Because those aren't, you know, everybody say retirement travel Mondays and Fridays or I'm sorry, Fridays and Sundays are the. The highest travel days.

[Host]

I'm so confused. So Tuesdays and Wednesday, she's saying, are the best days for travel.

[Burt]

Correct.

[Melissa]

Right. To complete on Wednesday, get cheapest fare.

[Host]

Businessmen are back by then, and then it's you're early for the weekend travel list.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Jeff]

Business persons.

[Host]

Yep, Business. What did I say? Businessmen. Business persons. Good God. My God, I need to be a 96 rock. Hey, Amanda.

[Caller]

Hey. I'm a teacher and I wanted to tell parents that the best way to get in touch with a teacher is to email. We don't have telephones in our classroom. It's hard for us to get a break. We have like a 23 minute lunch and so it's hard for us to call parents back. So the best way to get in touch with a teacher is always through email.

[Host]

That's great, great advice right there. Thank you.

[Melissa]

Absolutely.

[Host]

404-741-1005 and morning show DJs email.

[Melissa]

I'm fascinated by the people that call me and get mad when you're not immediately calling back and they call before the show's over. It's like, well, you know, where you been?

[Host]

Doing something, you know, hey John, you're on all the hits. Q100 Good Morning Virtual Morning, sir.

[Expert]

Hey, buying a car, the best way to do it nowadays is have the most information. Most dealerships have websites for their used cars as well as their pricing on new cars. If you're looking at as an example a brand new Honda, you can go to the manufacturer's website and they'll give you what the latest deals are. You can also go, if you're looking at a used car at a dealership, go to the dealer's website, pull up the information. Nine times out of ten, the pricing on the website is far less than when you go by the dealership and see the pricing across the window. I'm sorry. The other thing is if you want to save on your, on your financing, pull your credit, have your credit in hand first. You can go to experian.com, transunion.com or equifax.com and get a copy of your credit report. If you know what your score is. The higher your score, the better your chances are financing and the lessons, your chances of getting ripped off.

[Host]

So go in there educated and go to the websites because then you'll know exactly what you could be paying.

[Expert]

Exactly. And one other, one other piece of advice. When you go to the Braves game, don't be shocked if Jeff shows up on the super trial.

[Host]

That would shock you.

[Expert]

It is shocking. Super head, but he's a good guy.

[Host]

That's a big old head, man.

[Expert]

Have a great day.

[Melissa]

I'm trying to remember and I'm going to get this so wrong. Talking about the auto industry, somebody, some consumer reporter I heard one time say that you can actually legally go into a dealership. And is it the buyers? You can find out legally how much they paid for that car.

[Burt]

Like you can go, that doesn't matter.

[Melissa]

Is that not true?

[Burt]

Well, I did all that research. When I. Cause when I was buying my car, like, I bought my first brand new car, like, with zero miles on it, you know, first brand new one just this year. And so I did all that research. And you know, they talk about the invoice pricing. Like there's an invoice price and, oh, you get it. Only $100 above invoice. Well, that's only, like the dealership is not only making $100 on that car. Like, if it's a Ford dealer and you bought a Ford car, they might invoice the dealership for $20,000 for that car. And if they sell it to you for 20,500 bucks, you paid 500 bucks over invoice. But then Ford will send that dealership like a $3,000 rebate for selling that car. So the price is actually far below, not far below, but there's a portion of it below invoice. And that's what, like dealerships can sell cars for below invoice, even though they never will. It won't be a lot, but they can because they are making money right now.

[Melissa]

They're thinking about it because, you know.

[Burt]

Well, that's why they're doing that employee price.

[Host]

Right.

[Burt]

Like every dealership in the world, like gm, I read somewhere when they did that, like, went like their sales increase like 150% or some crazy amounts. Now every dealership's doing it.

[Host]

Hey, Kristen, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Melissa]

Hi.

[Caller]

I work for a closing attorney. And how to save a couple hundred dollars when you're going to buy your house?

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Caller]

If you ask when you get your title insurance, if you get owners and lenders at the same time title insurance, you ask for a simultaneous issue. They will only charge you $50 for your lender's title policy. And that's, that'll save you a couple hundred dollars because it's usually between, depending on your loan amount, it's usually about 3, $400.

[Host]

That's good advice right there. That's great.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Host]

Thank you for. Thank you.

[Caller]

All right. You're welcome.

[Host]

All right, Lori, good morning. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller]

Hi, how are you?

[Host]

Good, thank you.

[Caller]

Good. I used to work at the Phillips arena and I do know that they have a block of seats that they save for patron complaints. If you come into the arena, let's say that you have, you're afraid of heights and your seats are very, very high and you have an anxiety attack because your seat is too high. Usually they will Relocate you. Especially if you go to the first aid room and talk to one of the nurses there.

[Host]

Oh, come on now. Come on. So you go into the stadium and you specifically complain that you have like, that you're scared of heights and they'll give you better seats.

[Caller]

Yes. Actually, I've helped several patrons relocate because they have medical issues from being too high or that there's someone next to them that is causing them to have some type of medical issues.

[Host]

Yeah, but those are legitimate.

[Melissa]

Yeah, they had legitimate concerns.

[Host]

Can't go into First Station.

[Melissa]

You can't cheat somebody.

[Burt]

Cheater.

[Host]

Lori. Cheater.

[Melissa]

Everything we've talked about has been legit.

[Jeff]

That is so funny.

[Melissa]

There's gonna be a lot of people.

[Host]

Afraid of heights at Green Day tonight.

[Burt]

I hope Lori liked her job.

[Caller]

I think she said she works.

[Host]

She said she used to work.

[Melissa]

That's why she called.

[Host]

Hey, Matt.

[Expert]

Hey, good morning.

[Host]

Go ahead, man.

[Expert]

I'm an air traffic controller. And to avoid delays in missing your connections when you travel during the summer, try to travel during the morning because all of the afternoon thunderstorms make a lot of ground delays while you can travel.

[Host]

Smart. That's especially important here in Atlanta. For sure.

[Expert]

Yeah, yeah. The airport closes probably once a day. If you're trying to not to miss your delayed flights, travel in the morning.

[Host]

Right. Great. Thank you.

[Melissa]

Thank you.

[Caller]

Thanks.

[Host]

Alrighty. And we will take one more from Morgan and then be done. Good morning, Morgan.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Host]

Hello.

[Caller]

I work in. And you guys were talking about some tips to help save some money on traveling and everything. Another good thing that you could possibly do to help save some gas money, especially nowadays, a 99 cent bottle of fuel treatment. Usually it has octane boost in it and it will up the rating of whatever gas you actually put into your vehicle. Say if you put in like the lower grade, it'll up it to about the mid grade.

[Host]

Really? Because somebody once told me, never put anything in your gas tank except gas.

[Caller]

Well, the fuel treatments usually have cleaners and things of that nature. Now, the key to it is making sure you keep it up. Because if you have a new car, for example, usually they ask you to put in mid grade because you're going to have the best fuel economy for that anyway. But if you put something in your gas tank, the key is to keep putting it in there and keep your system running as clean as it possibly can.

[Host]

Okay, thank you very much.

[Caller]

Not a problem.

[Host]

All right, so we got a lot there to chew on. A lot there to chew on. So again, that one that I want to Pass on from Melissa because yeah.

[Melissa]

Everybody'S so stressed out about gas. Apparently these are from gas price watchers who say the best day to fill up your tank is on Wednesdays because apparently prices tend to go up on Mondays and Thursdays before 10am and they especially say for your labor day travel next week on Wednesday, August 31st. That's the day to fill up your tank and you will save a lot of money.

[Host]

Cool.

[Burt]

The Burch show.

[Host]

Producer Tracy did not get to the story about Paris Hilton this morning that I she is a mystery to me. And generally I don't ask you guys that listen this early to call us up because I know you're busy doing other things, but I'm wondering if there are other celebrities or other. Maybe it's movies, TV shows, public figures that everybody else seems to love that you just look at and go, I don't get it. Like maybe everybody's screaming over Desperate Housewives and you're like, I've watched the show three or four times because everybody else says it's such a great show and I just don't get it. Right. If you have one of these, call us 404-741-1005. I specifically have two and one is Paris Hilton.

[Jeff]

Yeah, Hilton just raised $200,000. It was at a Miami fundraiser for the hurricane victims. She raised this $200,000 by auctioning herself off to a fan. Now the fan bid the money in order to party with her on New Year's Eve. 200 grand party. But you know who I could see doing something like this? Jeff Dollar, because he loves to party with celebrities and likes to be seen with them.

[Host]

I don't know, $200,000 worth of party. But I can see what you're saying.

[Jeff]

He would do it.

[Host]

See the, the appeal of Paris Hilton. I just don't get. Like we have lists all the time, the most intriguing celebrities. I think there was a list that Jen Hobby read off yesterday about the celebrity couples you want to know most about in Paris Hilton's. I look at her and I just see trashy non celebrity.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Host]

But she's a fashion leader. She had a hit TV show and I don't get it. The other one for me is Napoleon Dynamite.

[Jeff]

Oh, are you kidding?

[Host]

I have tried and tried and tried to be cool enough to laugh at Napoleon Dynamite. And I read a story this morning that Napoleon wear the T shirts, the sweatshirts, the knit tops, the underwear have become the strongest selling licensed products in the teens and boys mass marketplace. This movie made $50 million at the box office. Made for 400,000, made another 104 million in DVD. You can't go anywhere without seeing a Pedro for President. T shir. Melissa comes in here laughing about it all the time. Jeff. Or was it. It's Jen that does that.

[Melissa]

Jen and Jeff.

[Host]

And they're always quoting the movie. And I felt so out of the loop that I watched it and came back and said, I don't understand it. And they. They ridiculed me so badly that I watched it again. And I still think it's the worst movie ever.

[Jeff]

I think it is the best movie ever. It reminds me in a weird way, it reminds me of my little sister when she acts, like, really stupid and dorky, but it also reminds you of all those, like, complete dorks in high school that just didn't under. It's so funny. And it's. Is it John Heder or John Heater who plays Nickelinda? Well, he's in that new movie with Reese Witherspoon and even his one line in the previews for that movie make me laugh.

[Host]

Stupid. Yeah, I want to like it. I want to be cool enough to like.

[Melissa]

And the thing is, like, I think it's a total teenage movie. And when I look at Jen and Jeff trying to quote the movie, I want to say, you know what? You look old. You know, because if an 18 year old is quoting the movie, I have no problem with that. But when a 30 year old is doing it, I'm thinking, come on, come on now.

[Host]

People love it. Hey, Ray, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Melissa]

Hello.

[Caller]

Good morning, guys.

[Host]

Good morning.

[Caller]

Okay, you're not gonna like me for this, but Ashton Kusher.

[Jeff]

I agree.

[Caller]

Oh, thank you.

[Host]

Sort of agree. Although I think he's pretty funny on punks. But other than.

[Caller]

I don't. I don't get the overall appeal of him. I don't think he's all that and anything.

[Jeff]

I don't think he's funny. I don't think he's stylish. I don't think he's cute. I don't get it.

[Host]

He's in the news every other day.

[Melissa]

That's right. You know what? I never jumped on the Dr. Phil bandwagon. Like, I especially didn't understand why people were so ready to follow him on his weight loss book when the man was overweight himself. Yeah, I just. Yeah, Dr. Phil don't get it.

[Host]

I've never bought into it.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I don't.

[Jeff]

Yeah, I agree on Dr. Phil.

[Host]

Good morning. You're on all the Hits Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, is it me now?

[Host]

It's you now.

[Caller]

Hey. Mine is Shakira. I don't get it at all. You can't understand what she's singing unless you are, you know, Hispanic and you, you know, Spanish. But in the way she dances, it just drives me crazy.

[Host]

I. I don't totally agree with you on Shakira, but I do agree with you on the last video. And the thing that she's doing with her stomach these days freaks me out way more than it turns me on. That double jointed abdomen colon, I'm all.

[Caller]

About, you know, if someone's beautiful and all that. And I only think she's cute and she's just. I don't get it at all. And it's like, we can't understand what she's singing either. So I'm like, what do we all just worship and Shakira for?

[Melissa]

Well, I mean, that's a little short sighted. If I can't understand you, then you're not good. I mean. But you know, I just think that I find it fascinating that here in the United States we don't find. We don't have the same hip music that they do over the rest of the world. Like, Shakira's big around the world, except here.

[Host]

You know, I just, like, you came in one day talking about how sexy the video was, and I specifically turned on MTV and watched for hours just to finally see it. And she's got like, she's rolling around in gasoline or something. Yeah, WD40.

[Melissa]

I was fascinated. Like, yeah. I think when she. I mean, it's different moves, but it's like, wow. Because I couldn't. There's no. I couldn't do that, Jada.

[Caller]

Tara Reid.

[Host]

Tara Reid. I don't understand the appeal either. She's a drunk.

[Caller]

Don't get it.

[Host]

She put the hoe in Hollywood. She's a drunk.

[Melissa]

Is American Pie all she did?

[Caller]

Yeah, pretty much. And that Ryan Reynolds movie, National Lampoons. Van Wilder.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Host]

Okay.

[Caller]

When she's famous at the end for saying she decided not to put on underwear.

[Host]

Ooh, way to stretch yourself, Sarah. This one I absolutely cannot agree with. Good morning, Lisa.

[Caller]

Good morning, Will Ferrell.

[Host]

I cannot agree. Will Ferrell.

[Caller]

Oh, my God, he isn't so annoying. The Wedding Crashers was great until he showed up.

[Melissa]

Really? Oh, I thought it was a nice surprise.

[Jeff]

I agree. I didn't think he was good in the Wedding.

[Caller]

I will not see a movie that he's in.

[Host]

He. As soon as he comes on screen, I start Laughing.

[Caller]

That's, you know, that's the general consensus at work. But they quote him and everything, and I'm just. I'm nauseated.

[Jeff]

We did an interview with him, and I was sitting in the corner and just couldn't stop giggling just because I was in the same room with Will Ferrell.

[Melissa]

He's that funny.

[Host]

Isn't that frustrating the least when everybody else is, like, in on the joke and you just can't get it right? I'm so with you. Thank you. Hey, Michelle, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, Jessica Simpson. I'm sorry. The girl gets on my nerves. I think she's so stupid. She cannot sing.

[Host]

I gotta agree with you. I gotta agree with you.

[Melissa]

It was just that reality show. I mean, I think people were fascinated by her and Nick and that's it. Yeah.

[Caller]

Honestly, I don't get it. She has no talent, so I don't see what people see in her.

[Host]

She does look hot now, I'll tell you that. I mean, I can certainly admire that. She's gonna mumble all day. Jenna who? Just don't you get Hilary Duff. Hilary Duff.

[Caller]

She cannot act. And she tries to be so innocent. She needs to go on Passions. She cannot act.

[Host]

It just sucks when you're around all these people that just absolutely adore these icons and you're like, I just don't get it.

[Melissa]

I do think, what was the show she was on on Disney?

[Jeff]

Lizzie McGuire.

[Melissa]

Yeah, that was a cute show. So I will. I can understand if you're in that age group that watched Lizzie McGuire that you would be all about her. But since she changed her to, no, I'm done.

[Host]

Crash. You have one of these, like, something that everybody finds funny or so attractive, and you're just like, I just don't get it.

[Burt]

I totally agree with you on the Napoleon Dynamite thing.

[Host]

Yeah. So many times to laugh through it.

[Burt]

And I'm a huge fan of those silly, stupid, slapstick, old time airplane kind of movies. And everyone's like, oh, you're gonna love this one. You're gonna be quoting it.

[Host]

No.

[Jeff]

Even in his new movie where he says, I'm a little parched. I think I'd like a cola.

[Host]

I got nothing. I got nothing.

[Burt]

Even you doing that right there just aggravated me.

[Host]

The Birch Show. Remember yesterday we were telling you guys we were trying to get one Birch show listener on? And again, this is after 8:30, so we're assuming you're. You're not driving around with kids in the car. And if you are, we do the adult material after 8:30. So if you're cruising around with your kids in the car, we'll see in a couple of minutes.

[Burt]

Right.

[Host]

We told you about one Birchall listener that was a little bit like bummed. Really bummed. Like how can this even be? Because one of her friends stole the one item that you can't steal from a woman. No, it's the one item you are absolutely not allowed to touch unless it's yours. Yeah, right. Morning, Angie, you're on all the hits Q100. Hey, how are you?

[Caller]

I'm fine. I forgot all about this email.

[Host]

Oh, we didn't.

[Caller]

I guess not. Thanks, Jen.

[Host]

Well, we've been talking about it for 24 hours.

[Caller]

I see. I was. I was off yesterday, so it was. I did nothing. I didn't watch no tv, I listened to no radio. I did nothing.

[Host]

Well, you couldn't do anything because the thing that you're by yourself is gone years ago.

[Caller]

This has been several years.

[Melissa]

I want to hear. I want to hear about this.

[Host]

Yeah, yeah, give us all the details.

[Caller]

Well, we. I was living in Tallahassee and I had an apartment with a roommate that had moved out. Well, I just assumed that maybe she had done something with it. Well, I had. I asked the roommate and she was like, oh my God, no. And we were real good friends and had been friends for a while, so I didn't.

[Host]

Hold on, we're gonna have to back up a little bit.

[Melissa]

Back up.

[Host]

We haven't even told what the item is.

[Melissa]

We haven't told what, what we're talking about yet.

[Caller]

Oh, okay. I was missing a, A toy, a vibrator and I don't know. Can I say that on radio?

[Melissa]

Sure.

[Caller]

And some. And a movie.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Caller]

An adult movie. And we had had the roommate and I, before she had moved out, we had had the. Of course the people have bug. The bug guy come around and spray and all that good stuff.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Caller]

Well, we just assumed that maybe it was the bug guy. So I had went and actually talked to the lady who runs the. The apartment complex and told her that we were. That I was missing some items and I thought that it was the bug man.

[Host]

And you never told her what those items were?

[Caller]

Oh, yes, I did.

[Host]

You did.

[Caller]

You know, I had that relationship with her and I was like, hey, let me tell you what this man took. I said, you might want to consider getting a new bug man. Well, come to find out, it wasn't the poor little bug man. It was a so called best friend of mine and she. I did not know that she had taken it. We had all laughed about it and everything, blaming it still on the bug man. And she and her boyfriend broke up. And he called me and said, you know, wasn't you missing a couple of things? And I said, oh, my God, don't tell me she took it. Sure enough, he said, well, if you'll go over to the house, because I had a key to their apartment because I would help take care of their kid and stuff. So I went over to their apartment, and there it was in a bag in her closet. And he had told me that they had used it and everything.

[Melissa]

I assumed that you had used it. And so, like, she. First of all, she knew where it was. Well, of course, most women, you could pretty much guess where the storage is. And so why did you ever find out why she took your.

[Caller]

I mean, because when I confronted her, she said, of course she stumbled over words. I don't know how it got there. Well, I guess it just grew legs and went over to your house. It's not like she lived close to me either. So she just come up with, well, maybe this other girl took it. And I said, why would she take it? She's hardly ever there and hid it in her closet. Yeah, why would she take it and hide it in your closet? Exactly.

[Melissa]

Did you not have any adult stores in Tallahassee?

[Caller]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[Host]

Well, maybe she was just, like, so embarrassed. She's like, there's no way I could.

[Caller]

Actually, that's what I told her. I said, if you had just said something to me, I could have went. And if you were embarrassed, if you wanted one, I could have went with you to buy one, or I could have bought one for you. I mean, my God, you can go to Spencer's and get them.

[Host]

Yeah, I'm guessing, like, she was. She wanted to use one, but was too embarrassed to go into one of those places and get it herself.

[Caller]

See how she would be embarrassed?

[Melissa]

She's just.

[Caller]

She's not that kind. But either way, I would rather be embarrassed than use somebody else's stuff.

[Host]

Oh, for sure.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Caller]

It's crazy.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Caller]

But, yeah, she. She blamed it on somebody else. And she was like. She offered to give it back to me. I said, you've got to be kidding us. And, no, that's okay.

[Host]

But she said she didn't have it. She never came clean and said that she used it. She just said that she wasn't sure how it got there. And I'll give it back to you if that's what you want.

[Jeff]

Melissa's gonna go home and put her initials on all of this?

[Burt]

Yes.

[Melissa]

Well, I mean even, you know, because I date women and even at that point, I mean, you just go and get something new for the two of you. You distilled them my girlfriends. I don't even use and use and no, no, no, no. So not a friend. Ooh.

[Caller]

And she was my, at the time, my best friend. And never in a million years thought that she would have done anything like that. But then when I got to thinking back like high school years and things that went missing all through our so called friendship, I guess she's probably the one that took them all. But that was pretty much it. That did it for me. And she and I aren't friends anymore.

[Host]

Now, were you roommates or just she.

[Caller]

No, she was just my friend. She had. She. We didn't. My apartment was not far from where we worked and she was one of those kind of people that didn't want to use the bathroom at work. So she went to my house even.

[Melissa]

Gross. It's all over the place.

[Caller]

She went to use. She went to my back to my house to use my facilities and. Which was fine, you know, no big deal. I didn't think anything of it. You. She was my best friend. Never thought in a million years that she would do anything like that. Well, and then it was just a few days later, you know, the bug man comes. And then a couple of days after that, I'm looking for my friend and he's not there anymore.

[Melissa]

I wouldn't know what to do if I open a drawer, the box or whatever. Well, where'd I put it? You know, I mean.

[Host]

Well, first the panic has to set in because you're wondering exactly where did I leave it?

[Caller]

Well, I felt kind of violated. It wasn't really. I could care less who saw it. I mean, I was at that time in my life, like I said, it was just years ago if somebody thought it was like, well, at least she's being safe. But you know, it was just the panic I felt was more violation, you know, who came into my house and went through my clothes and my drawers and all this good stuff to find these things. And then took the trouble of going through and digging for a movie that was hidden very well, you know, just in case there was. I do have friends with children, so I don't, you know, so they won't find the little X rated movies.

[Host]

I'm curious because, Melissa, at one point you said that if you're a woman, you could pretty much guess where the storage was.

[Melissa]

Well, I mean, there's not, you know, unless you're really creative. It's usually more about convenience than it is if you live alone.

[Host]

So it's in a side.

[Melissa]

It's in, like, the dresser drawer at the bottom or. Yeah. Or under the bed and some kind of thing, you know, like, it's. It's. Because when the moment. It's almost like the real thing. When the moment has, you think, hey, you know, that'd be a good idea right now. And so then you just have to, you know, have a convenient spot to grab.

[Jeff]

Maybe she had some kind of weird interest in you. Like, maybe it wasn't about being too shy to buy her own stuff.

[Caller]

Well, she had a. She had her little adventures with, you know, other women and stuff like that. From what I had been told. Of course, when I confronted her about that, too, she was, you know what.

[Melissa]

As you denied it, one who is an adventurer. You know, a consistent adventurer in those little adventures. That still is. That's a different thing.

[Host]

Do you think that was pretty skanky. I'm going to need the voice disguiser for this next call. Here, Tracy, you reach over and hit that. We will call this Burt show listener Sharon. Good morning, Sharon.

[Caller]

Hi.

[Host]

Hi. You're on the voice disguiser. Nobody can recognize your voice.

[Caller]

Well, thank God for that. Okay. In high school, I was dating a guy who was really experienced. I hadn't been with many people, and I had certainly never used a toy of any kind of. And this really romantic evening for the two of us. And proceeds to introduce me to one. And after we were done, he confided in me that it was his mother's.

[Host]

I can't even muster up a laugh for you. I feel so bad.

[Caller]

Is that terrible?

[Host]

Are you freaking kidding me?

[Caller]

I'm not.

[Host]

So this dude stole it from his mom's stash.

[Caller]

And then I did put it back.

[Host]

And then put it back when you were done.

[Caller]

Yep.

[Host]

Game over. Thank you.

[Melissa]

Oh, my. That's like. You know what people always talk about. If you have guns in the house to lock them away, this is when it. Mothers lock it away.

[Host]

The Birch Show.