Transcript

Host Bert (0:00)

The Birch Show. No shortage of phone calls on people who ditched or got.

Co-host Jen (0:04)

Oh, no.

Co-host Candace (0:05)

And this is the kind of ditch on a date where it's smack in the middle of it with no excuse. Because I'm sure a lot of people have used the excuse like, oh, you know what? I'm not feeling well. I'm gonna leave. This is like you go to the bathroom and just never come back to the table.

Host Bert (0:18)

Right, right. And there's always, like, we're talking about this regarding dating, but it reminded me that I, I, I think every one of us probably knows of someone who had a job. And this would be back, like, in college or whatever. So, like, at the mall and, like, just in the middle of his shift, decides he no longer wants to be there and leaves.

Co-host Jen (0:37)

Yeah, I'm done. I'm outta here.

Host Bert (0:38)

Just take off. It's the equivalent.

Co-host Jen (0:40)

I'm outta here of Slurpee.

Host Bert (0:44)

It's the dating. I quit. Like, I'm just done in the middle of this. I'm done. I quit. I'm outta here. I'm gone. Hey, Howard, you'll be our first call.

Caller Howard (0:53)

No problem.

Host Bert (0:54)

What's going on?

Caller Howard (0:55)

Hey, how's it going?

Co-host Candace (0:56)

Good, good.

Host Bert (0:57)

How are you?

Caller Howard (0:58)

Awesome. Awesome. This is a great topic because I'll tell you what. You know, as many years as I've dated, it's amazing what anyone can do, including myself. And, you know, one night I was out with my girlfriend and, you know, conversation. We were at a restaurant. She had her car. I had her. My car there. So each had our other's cars or whatever. And I just got so mad because something she said or something. She did that as soon as she went to the bathroom. That was my cue, and I took off and I left her in the dust at the restaurant and with Bill.

Co-host Candace (1:36)

And Was that the last day she was your girlfriend?

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Friday, January 23 [Vault]

Date: January 23, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into entertaining, often cringe-worthy stories of people suddenly "ditching" awkward dates, relationships, and even marriages—sometimes in dramatic fashion. The show also catches up with prior listeners dealing with serious relationship drama, including online infidelity and tangled family secrets. As always, hosts Bert, Jen, Candace, and Jeff mix humor with empathy and curiosity, bringing listeners into the unfiltered realities of everyday life and relationships.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Ditching Dates: The Art (or Cowardice) of the Sudden Exit

The episode kicks off with stories of listeners and hosts about dramatically leaving dates or even work shifts with no warning or excuse.

Notable Call-In Stories

Howard’s Restaurant Vanish
Howard confesses to leaving his girlfriend mid-date at a restaurant after being irritated by something she said or did—taking off when she went to the restroom, leaving her stranded with the bill.
- [01:36] Co-host Candace: “And was that the last day she was your girlfriend?”
- [01:39] Howard: “That pretty much sent the spiral downward on that relationship.”
Jeff’s Bar Escape
Jeff details ditching a smoking-hot date at a dingy, smoke-filled concert venue in Marietta, prioritizing personal comfort over attraction.
- [03:04] Jeff: “You’re hot. But if you’re gonna be here, forget this crap. I’m not doing this no more.”
- [03:17] Bert: “You suck it up, you suck it up. If she's that hot, you suck it up. … That's why the good Lord invented tequila.”
“Strobe Light Honey” Realization
Howard recalls going to meet a girl he met at a club (where he admits the alcohol and strobe lights impacted his perception), quickly realizing in daylight at the library she wasn’t what he expected and bailing after a weak excuse.
- [04:46] Howard: “A girl that looks so much better in the club than she actually looks in person … I told her I had to make some copies and I just left.”
- The term "strobe light honey" enters the Bert Show Dictionary.
Women Ditch Too:
Holly and Shelly call in with female versions—ditching dates when the real-life guy looked nothing like his online photo, or after a gut feeling during a would-be Netflix night.

Memorable Moments

Hosts joke about the odd places you try to avoid ex-dates in public (e.g., hiding in Walmart clothing racks) and share empathy for the “ditch-ee” experience, particularly when reality doesn’t match online expectations.

2. Ditching at a Whole New Level: Marriages and Serious Relationships

Ultimate Hotel Ditch:
Holly (another Holly) tells a story of being left in a hotel room in downtown Atlanta after agreeing to get more serious with her on-and-off partner, who then drives off with her stranded.
- [07:21] Bert: “Who did you call?”
- Holly’s response: She finds friends at a club for a ride home.
- [07:30] Bert: “That right there is the walk of the ultimate walk of shame.”
Marital Revenge Ditch:
CB recounts ditching her husband mid-dinner with a flirting neighbor, running up a big bill, then disappearing for three days as the relationship dissolves.

3. Classic Bert Show Relationship Drama Recaps & Updates

A. Online “Cheating” Saga with Tracy

Revisiting Tracy’s situation: She catches her husband heavily engaged in secretive online messaging, claiming he’s chatting with a “celebrity” as part of a wild plan to make money for the family.
- The show questions the legitimacy of his narrative, points out the frequency and intimacy of the conversations, and debates whether Tracy’s willful disbelief is denial or trust.

Notable Quotes & Moments:

[11:14] Tracy: "He says it's not cheating because it's a celebrity. And in a few months, he's gonna try to basically get money out of this."
[16:13] Jeff: “I have information that ... doesn’t make you feel better. … He is having conversations with someone over the Internet that are borderline intimate.”
[17:29] Tracy: “I just feel like… he couldn't do what was playing in my head with having an affair… like, it really just must be a celebrity now."
The co-hosts push her: why would a real celebrity have time to chat daily? Is she ignoring clear warning signs?
[27:15] Caller Brandi: “I just think you are very naive, girl. If you actually think that he's speaking to a star online, that is ridiculous. But, you know, you must be every man's dream, because you are very naive."

B. Listeners Take Sides: Denial or Devotion?

Many listeners call in, some incredulous, others more sympathetic. Hosts note the difference between protecting your marriage and outright shielding yourself from reality.

4. Family Secrets and Cover-Ups: The Daughter Who Helped Her Mom Cheat

Shelly’s Dilemma ([30:56])
- Shelly calls in about her mother's affair, which her mother drags her into by hiding out at Shelly’s home and seeking emotional support as the affair is exposed.
- To cover for her mother, Shelly concocts a story for her father: the mysterious “John” is actually Shelly’s secret boyfriend, whom they’d hidden because he’s Black (knowing his prejudices).
- She ropes in her Black friend to pose for a picture as evidence, and her mom gives her diamond earrings from her affair partner.

Notable Moments:

Hosts debate whether this was right, criticize the manipulation involving race, and express concern for the psychological fallout.
[36:47] “Yeah, I'm wearing them now. ... They're beautiful." (Shelly, about the earrings)
Several Black listeners call in, adamant no one would participate in such a cover-up knowingly, expressing skepticism and frustration.
[39:19] Caller CB: “If my white girlfriend had came to me and said, you know what? I need you to take a picture with me because of such, I would have slapped her and said, you know what? Don't call me anymore.”

Timestamps for Key Segments

00:00–07:00: Call-ins about ditching disastrous dates—restaurant escapes, bar walkouts, and “strobe light honey” encounters.
07:00–10:00: More serious “ditch” stories—leaving partners in hotels, relationship breakdowns.
10:00–29:00: Deep-dive into Tracy’s saga about her husband’s supposed online “affair” with a celebrity—voiced disbelief, empathy, and detective work ensues.
30:56–40:00: Shelly’s story about enabling her mother's affair, inventing a racially charged alibi, listener reactions, and the fallout.

Notable Quotes

On ditching dates:
- “I quit. I’m outta here. I’m gone.” — Host Bert [00:44]
- "A girl that looks so much better in the club than she actually looks in person. … I told her I had to make some copies and I just left." — Caller Howard [04:46]
On questionable alibis:
- “He says it's not cheating because it's a celebrity.” — Caller Tracy [11:14]
- “Nothing says I love you more than extortion, right?” — Co-host Jeff [16:45]
On family secrets:
- “We told him that John is a guy that I’ve been dating … but we didn’t introduce him to my dad because he’s Black, and he would have a huge problem with that.” — Caller Shelly [32:35]
- “I'm black. … If my white girlfriend had came to me and said, … I need you to take a picture with me because of such, I would have slapped her and said, you know what? Don't call me anymore.” — Caller CB [39:19]

Episode Tone and Style

In typical Bert Show fashion, the tone is flippant, real, and often sarcastic, especially when confronting the absurdities of modern relationships. Hosts balance empathy for callers in tricky situations with group skepticism and a sense of “tough love.” The humor is irreverent but never mean-spirited, offering comic relief even during heavier moments.

Summary

This lively episode straddles the line between laugh-out-loud awkwardness (people fleeing dates or marriages) and real “emotional work”—challenging listeners to consider self-awareness, honesty, and the havoc denial (or creative cover-ups) can wreak in relationships. The hosts keep things moving, give everyone a voice, and, as always, leave listeners with plenty to laugh about, cringe over, and debate on their morning drive.