Transcript

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Bert (1:00)

The Burch show all right, this is Bar Rafale. This is your cover of Sports Illustrated right here.

Melissa (1:05)

She's the one that's with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Jeff (1:08)

Yeah, that guy.

Melissa (1:09)

God bless him.

Bert (1:10)

I mean, look at that picture showing

Melissa (1:12)

us the COVID of Sports Illustrated magazine right now.

Bert (1:17)

Why am I showing it to you?

Jeff (1:18)

Yeah, no reason.

Bert (1:20)

I just wanted to pull that. And let's look at it because Jeff and I were talking briefly yesterday about Sports Illustrated and he confessed something. Maybe it's only something a guy would find fun. I thought was hilarious.

Jen (1:30)

Okay.

Jeff (1:30)

And I guarantee you I'm not the only guy that this thought popped into my mind, too.

Jen (1:35)

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Friday, March 20 [Vault]

Date: March 20, 2026
Cast: Bert, Jeff, Melissa, Jen, Katie + Callers

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show brings together the typical lively, authentic, and comedic banter the cast is known for, mixing real-life topics with listener engagement. The group discusses everything from relationships and jealousy over Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, to hilarious audio clips and relatable funeral faux pas, all while interacting with their callers in a disarmingly candid way. The tone is playful, self-deprecating, and at times poignant, offering plenty of laughs woven with moments of introspection about relationships and social behavior.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue & Relationship Reactions

Bert shows off the cover featuring Bar Refaeli, sparking a debate about attraction, jealousy, and what counts as "harmless" admiration.
Jeff admits to Googling Bar Refaeli’s relationship status out of curiosity, drawing laughter and an exploration of whether men (and women) go down this rabbit hole.
The panel delves into boundaries in relationships—how open admiration for models might affect partners’ self-esteem.

Notable Quotes:

Jeff [03:09]: “I googled her just to see if she was taken. And he's like, what? ... Just to see if maybe there's any chance ever in the history of time.”
Melissa [05:42]: “The fear that you guys should have in being obsessed with your Sports Illustrated or with your video or whatever is making your woman feel inferior because she's a supermodel.”

Timestamps:

01:00 – 06:14: Main Sports Illustrated conversation and relationship jealousy debate

2. Double Standards in Attraction

The team discusses how women openly talk about attractive male celebrities, sometimes to the annoyance of men, drawing parallels to the model discussion.
Callers chime in on whether it’s “hypocritical” for women to comment on male attractiveness while being sensitive about men admiring female models.

Notable Quotes:

Caller Steve [08:28]: “I'm married... I know I'm not the best looking guy on earth, so of course, being a human, you better look and say, wow, that person sexy.”
Bert [09:17]: “I don't care who my wife is looking at in magazines, even on the streets, so long as I'm home, she can be thinking of whoever she wants.”

Timestamps:

06:14 – 09:45: Double standards and relationship boundaries

3. Viral Audio Clips & Listener Revenge

Jeff shares two viral audio clips: one of a scorned girlfriend changing her ex’s voicemail out of revenge, and another of a child hilariously loopy after dental surgery ("Is this real life?").
The cast dissects the hilarity and mild cruelty of laughing at the child (in the now-iconic “David After Dentist” clip), reflecting on how humor often differs by gender.

Notable Quotes:

Mike's Ex-Girlfriend [13:01]: “So if you want to reach a loser, dial 280-5-5, girl. Other than that, have a great day.”
David (child) [17:37]: “Why is this happening to me?... Is this going to be forever?”
Jen [18:03]: “That mom was scared to death that he was over medicated.”
Jeff [18:25]: “It's a little baby Michael Phelps. He said Phelps in training. That's the kid.”

Timestamps:

11:29 – 19:05: Viral audio segment, including ex-girlfriend's voicemail [13:01], David After Dentist [16:03–18:00]

4. Listener Feedback: The “Never Listening Again” Club

The show takes live calls from listeners who’ve sworn off the show before—sometimes over trivial reasons (accents, show format changes, hurt feelings).
Discussion about how small annoyances, like Bert's “teeth sucking” sound or weather alert printer noises, can become amplified to listeners.
Playful banter about previous listener submission ratings and personal insecurities.

Notable Quotes:

Caller Steve [22:30]: “Your northern accent really gets on my nerves.”
Caller Brandy [24:11]: “I stopped listening to you all … you all like me a four? I'm like, there's no way in heck that I'm a four.”
Melissa [31:11]: “We may be divas, but we're not that much of a diva. We're on air going, well, anyway, Bert...”

Timestamps:

19:58 – 32:01: Listener feedback, grievances, and quirks
- Bert's sucking sound & nail filing myth [30:01–31:51]

5. Funeral Stories: Mishaps and Humor Amid Grief

Melissa and Jen share a story of attending a burial where Jen almost joins the wrong funeral procession—leading to reflections on how to "play it cool" if you realize you’re at the wrong grave.
Listeners call in with their own comical funeral procession mishaps—driving through fast food with the whole procession mistakenly following, or breaking etiquette with traffic cops.

Notable Quotes:

Jen [36:55]: “I'm at the wrong funeral.”
Jeff [38:41]: “What did you learn from the Bert Show today? Not to spin your tires on the grave of another.”
Caller Brandy [40:39]: “The Funeral lasted, no joke, three hours … A few of the family members are like, let’s just run down the road. … We have to jump out of the drive through line and go behind in the procession line … we just felt so bad.”
Jeff [42:29]: “He turns off the road to go to down the road where the McDonald's is. The entire procession follows down.”

Timestamps:

33:31 – 46:14: Funeral stories and etiquette mishaps
- Jen’s story: [33:35–38:50]
- Caller stories: [40:31–45:44]

Memorable Moments

"Is this real life?" – David's iconic child-after-dentist ramble [17:17]
Listener calls about giving up on the show over petty reasons (e.g. accents, rating photos, or food opinions) provide comedic self-awareness.
Jen navigating the wrong funeral with comedic poise – “If you get stuck in the wrong procession, just go with it.” [38:46]

Overall Tone and Takeaways

The Bert Show’s signature blend of raw honesty, humor, and listener interaction is on full display. They aren’t afraid to laugh at themselves—or their audience—creating an atmosphere where nothing is off-limits but most things are up for a group therapy-like debrief, usually with a punchline. The episode encourages listeners to find the humor in mishaps, the humanity in everyday annoyances, and the camaraderie in shared embarrassment.

Useful for New Listeners

The mix of trending pop culture, real-life relationship dilemmas, and unvarnished personal stories makes this show accessible whether you’re a longtime fan or first-timer.
The interplay between hosts and audience highlights why the show is such a morning staple: it’s as much about the listeners as the cast.

End of Summary