The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Friday, October 31 [Vault]

Date: October 31, 2025
Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast Featured: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & the Bert Show team

Episode Overview

This “vault” episode of The Bert Show serves up a signature blend of irreverent humor, authentic conversation, and listener-driven drama—perfect for making your morning routine more bearable. The show mixes in real-life absurdities, interviews with rising stars, and heated debates on controversial topics. This episode is structured around classic Bert Show segments and memorable moments from the early 2000s vault, featuring stunts, celebrity interviews, and calls from listeners that spark candid, often hilarious, sometimes uncomfortable, but always thought-provoking dialogue.

Key Segments & Highlights

1. Phil’s Car Wash Stunt

[02:14–07:18]

• Premise: Phil Tyranna completes a wild stunt for a new cell phone: riding through a car wash in the back of a pickup truck while narrating the experience live.
• Highlights:
  • Phil describes every detail—hot foam, freezing water, tri-colored foam, and pressure hoses—with mounting discomfort and humor.
  • Quick-witted banter from studio hosts adds to the chaos.
  • Quote: “Oh, God. Foam bath. Here comes. Here comes. Oh, that’s hot. Oh, that feels good. Oh, that’s actually…well received right there, because I am freezing.” (Phil, 03:06)
  • The stunt’s absurdity crescendos as listeners (and even Phil) are left wondering when the ordeal will end.
  • Studio jokes about the "blow hose" being a rap group; running gags about Phil's inability to swear on-air.

2. Interview with American Idol’s Kelly Clarkson & RJ Helton

[07:19–14:32]

• Guests: Kelly Clarkson (winner of American Idol) and RJ Helton (contestant)
• Discussion Points:
  • Kelly on post-Idol fame and public reactions (“Oh, hey, you know, I voted for you on the show.” – Kelly, 07:48)
  • Navigating unwanted requests, like wearing out-of-character outfits for appearances.
  • Gentle ribbing about rumors, including whether Kelly dated fellow contestant Justin (“No, we’re really good friends, but no, nothing like that.” – Kelly, 10:13)
  • Shared memories with RJ—backstage nerves, inside jokes, and friendship among contestants.
  • Fun behind-the-scenes perspectives: Kelly and RJ mock contestants they "didn't really get along with" when watching old episodes together.
  • Quick promo voiceover requests for upcoming American Idol tour dates; RJ jokes about needing more takes than Kelly.
• Quotes:
  • “All of us want our individuality.” (Kelly, 07:39)
  • “I can’t. I would feel naked. So yeah, people trying to ask me to do something like that, I’m like, oh, no.” (Kelly, 08:28)
  • “She actually came over to watch [the show] with me...” (RJ, 12:16)

3. Controversial Listener Call: Breastfeeding a 9-year-old

[17:11–27:47]

• Setup: Inspired by a TV segment about extended breastfeeding, a listener (Jill) calls in to share her personal experience of still breastfeeding her 9-year-old son due to past family trauma and therapeutic recommendation.
• Discussion:
  • Jill describes the act as a comfort mechanism, advised by several therapists after leaving an abusive relationship.
  • Hosts and callers challenge her, questioning psychological impacts, social implications, and where boundaries should be drawn.
  • Some callers express concern that the practice could complicate the son's development or social interactions.
  • Jill insists it’s a private, nurturing bond unrelated to sexuality, performed rarely and only in private.
• Memorable Exchanges:
  • Host (skeptical): “Are you talking about therapists that you would find in any HMO directory? Or…someone known as Shining Rainbow?” (19:57)
  • Jill (defensive): “There was no sprinkling of salt into water, thank you very much.” (20:14)
  • Callers weigh in, forcefully: “I just think it’s very perverted for you to do this to your son. … You’re harming him.” (Michelle, 22:19)
  • Jill pushes back: “This is a beautiful…bond as a mother and a son.” (24:13)
  • The debate escalates as the studio tries to parse private parenting choices versus public norms and child welfare.

4. Ballpark Blowup: Listener Confrontation Over Kids’ Behavior

[27:49–34:43]

• Situation: Jeff recounts a confrontation at a Braves game with a mother (Janet) whose rambunctious child was disruptive.
• Conflict Play-by-Play:
  • Jeff explains his frustration: “You gotta control your kid, because he’s really kind of ruining the enjoyment of the game.” (28:44)
  • Janet calls in, unapologetic—asserts families have a right to enjoy public spaces, children included: “If you want to come to a baseball game, then you need to be aware…families take their children to baseball games.” (29:51)
  • Jeff and Janet spar over social obligations, parental responsibility, and mutual respect.
  • Janet steadfast: “Nobody’s gonna tell me where to take my child…I take my child where I want to take my child.” (33:16)
  • The studio (and listeners) debate: do parents have carte blanche to overlook disruptions, or do public venues require mutual consideration?
  • Conversation devolves into personal barbs; Janet exits: “I can’t even have this conversation anymore because unlike you, I got a life and things to do.” (34:37)
• Notable Quotes:
  • “Your world is more important than anyone else’s you encounter.” (Host, 33:24)
  • “I really hope you never [have children].” (Janet, 33:38)

Notable Quotes and Moments

• Phil in the Car Wash:
  • “Hot foam, hot foam, hot foam. … I look like a milk commercial right now.” (Phil, 03:12)
• Kelly Clarkson:
  • “All of us want to, you know, our individuality.” (Kelly, 07:39)
  • “I would feel naked. … I can’t. I would feel naked.” (Kelly, 08:28)
• Jill vs. Listeners:
  • “Several [therapists] recommended to me to keep him breastfeeding…” (Jill, 19:04)
  • “I just think it’s very perverted for you to do this to your son.” (Michelle, 22:19)
  • “This is a beautiful…bond as a mother and a son.” (Jill, 24:13)
• Ballpark Drama:
  • “You gotta control your kid, because he’s really kind of ruining the enjoyment of the game.” (Jeff, 28:44)
  • “If you want to come to a baseball game…families take their children to baseball games.” (Janet, 29:51)
  • “Nobody’s gonna tell me where to take my child…I take my child where I want to take my child.” (Janet, 33:16)

Timestamps for Major Segments

| Segment | Start | End | |----------------------------------|---------|---------| | Phil’s Car Wash Stunt | 02:14 | 07:18 | | Kelly Clarkson & RJ Interview | 07:19 | 14:32 | | Breastfeeding Debate | 17:11 | 27:47 | | Ballpark Parenting Showdown | 27:49 | 34:43 |

Tone and Style

The Bert Show operates in its familiar, authentic zone: playful, sometimes raunchy, always unscripted and inviting. The hosts facilitate candid, sometimes awkward, but real dialogue—whether sparring with a stubborn parent, teasing rising popstars, or surviving freezing temps in a car wash pickup bed. Humor, banter, and the occasional clash of perspectives define every minute.

Conclusion

This episode captures the best of The Bert Show’s wide-ranging approach to morning entertainment—offering absurd radio stunts, celebrity drop-ins, and no-holds-barred listener debates. The transitions from pure comedy to earnest (and sometimes tense) discussions showcase why the show resonates with listeners seeking both laughs and lively, topical conversation.

If you missed the show, this summary covers the essential drama, insights, and quotable moments—skip the ads and enjoy the best of The Bert Show Vault!