Full Show PT 1: Monday, April 6 [Vault]

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show — Full Show PT 1: Monday, April 6 [Vault]

Date: April 6, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast
Episode Theme:
The episode blends personal stories, listener call-ins, and lively group discussions around the hilarities and realities of aging, the secrecy of vacation escapades, relationships, and unconventional marriage arrangements. With the show's trademark wit and authenticity, the hosts unpack relatable dilemmas, embarrassing family moments, and messy relationship truths, all while inviting listeners to share their own stories.

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1. "You Know Your Parents Are Getting Old When..."

(01:00–11:22)

Key Story

• Bert recounts his parents’ casino adventure: His retired parents, regulars at a local casino, stumble into what they think is a free buffet, indulge twice, and even fill shopping bags with sodas and candy bars—only to be discovered as non-invited guests at a food industry trade show.
• Notable details:
  • Intricate and proud descriptions of buffet items—full-size cheesecakes, chicken fingers, and “fancy” toothpicks.
  • The decision to stay all day for two free meals and stock up for home.
  • Their pride in their “free” haul, despite being escorted out by security.

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On elderly food storytelling:
  • Host 3: “Why do old people describe food in such... that is so funny.” (04:47)
• On being escorted out:
  • Host 1 (about his dad): “Years ago, he would have been humiliated that that happened. But this is like, we got two meals, they didn’t get us at lunch.” (10:07)
• On generational habits:
  • Host 2: “This is a generation that doesn’t like to waste anything.” (06:30)
  • Host 3: “Getting old makes you a pack rat or a klepto too.” (06:25)

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2. Does “What Happens on Vacation Stay on Vacation?”

(12:24–19:04)

Main Discussion

• Prompt: Has anything that happened on vacation actually stayed on vacation?
• Hosts reflect:
  • Anecdotes about how secrets are (or aren’t) kept, and how men and women differ in their confessions.
  • “Guy logic” vs. women’s discretion.

Listener Call-Ins

• Chris’s Secret (15:05): Slept with his friend’s girlfriend during a group vacation, kept it a secret.
  • Host 2: “You rear ended my car. Rear ended your girlfriend. Thought about that, Melissa.” (15:54)
• Kelly’s Futon Pact (16:12): Hooked up with her male roommate/best friend on spring break—both swore to never tell anyone.
  • Host 3: “What happens on a futon stays on a futon. Nothing says sexy…” (17:01)
• Kelly/Jamaica Confession (17:33): Hooked up with the groom at a destination wedding; five years later, the affair remains secret.
  • Host 3: “She has no idea?” / Caller: “No, she just thinks that we’re, like, really good friends.” (18:08–18:10)

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3. “The Key Exchange Dilemma in Relationships”

(19:04–27:14)

Key Points

• Host 3’s Personal Situation:
  • Her boyfriend has a key to her place for practical (safety) reasons, but she doesn’t have one to his, creating a sense of imbalance.
  • Group explores whether to be concerned, possible symbolism, and how (or if) to bring it up.
• Listener/Caller Advice:
  • “Chill and wait” approach—don’t force the issue unless needed.
  • Advice to create a practical reason for needing a key, rather than asking directly.

Notable Quotes

• On key exchange etiquette:
  • Host 1: “Wouldn’t it be a reciprocal transaction? Like once you provide him with a key... he would present it to you.” (20:59–21:29)
  • Host 2: “The burden’s on him.” (22:13)
  • Host 1: “You gotta create a reason [to need the key].” (26:27)

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4. Open Marriage & ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ Arrangements

(28:16–34:50)

Discussion

• Triggered by John & Kate Plus 8 rumors:
  • Are there couples who unofficially agree to turn a blind eye (“don’t ask, don’t tell”) to infidelity as long as it doesn’t disturb the family unit?
  • Differences between open relationships and tacit mutual understandings.
  • Hypotheses about celebrities (Will & Jada, Bill & Hillary) with such arrangements.

Listener Example

• Ashley’s Marriage (33:04): Her husband, stationed overseas, told her he doesn’t care what she does as long as he doesn’t know—the rule applies both ways.
  • Host 2: “I’m assuming that once he’s home, then it stops?” / Caller: “Pretty much.” (33:36–33:40)
  • Caller: “I would rather him actually go find a girlfriend for himself if he can.” (34:16)

Notable Quotes

• Host 3: “I would imagine it’s when the relationship becomes practical... more like roommates.” (31:25)
• Host 2: “I’ve always thought for years that Bill and Hillary Clinton were that way.” (31:52)

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5. Humor, Dynamic Banter, and the Signature Bert Show Tone

Throughout, the cast demonstrates playful ribbing, rapid-fire jokes, and a candid approach to discussing taboo topics—maintaining a blend of warmth, wit, and relatability:

• On women vs. men with keys:
  • Host 2: “With girls, it’s emotional. With guys, it’s just practical.” (24:36)
• On secret vacation antics:
  • Host 1: “That’s the difference between girls and guys. Girls say less than what they really did. Where guys are makeup. ‘Oh, my God. It was ridiculous. And then her twin sister showed up.’” (14:53)

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• Casino Parents Story: 01:00–11:22
• Vacation Secrets/Listener Calls: 12:24–19:04
• Key Exchange Relationship Dilemma: 19:04–27:14
• Open Marriage / Don't Ask, Don't Tell: 28:16–34:50

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Conclusion

This episode of The Bert Show sees the hosts and their audience wrestle with the awkward, funny, and sometimes sticky realities of family, love, and secrecy. The signature humor and openness create not only laughs but a judgment-free space for sharing true-life confessions and seeking advice on everything from aging parents “grifting” buffets to romantic key politics and unconventional marriages.

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Perfect for listeners seeking:

• Relatable relationship talk
• Humorous personal anecdotes
• Real-world advice wrapped in laughter
• Stories you’ll want to share at your next brunch

Transcript

[Podcast Host (Ad Reader)]

Okay, can we talk about how confusing weight loss has become? Like, one minute it's carbs are bad, and then the next it's no, actually, carbs are fine, but only if you walk 10,000 steps and drink a green juice. And honestly, it's just a lot. And then even if you do lose the weight, keeping it off is a whole different story. If you're struggling and want something that fits your real life, hers can help. It's designed to support you in reaching your goals in a way that actually fits your life. That's why weight loss by hers is getting so much attention right now. Hers connects you with licensed medical providers who create doctor developed treatment plans tailored to you. They offer access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy pill and the Wegovy pen. It helps regulate your appetite so you eat less and keep the weight off. If you're ready to reach your goals and want to try something new, visit fourhers.com Bert to get personalized, affordable care that gets you that's F O R h e r s.com Bert Forhers.com Bert Weightlist by hers is not available in all 50 states, but go as a registered trademark of Novo Nordisk A s to get started and learn more, including important safety information with govi, clinical study information and restrictions, visit borhers.com the Burt

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Show Yesterday was a milestone in my life. I share the story with you, but I don't think it was a good milestone. It was a your parents are definitely getting old milestone. It's nothing health related. It's nothing, you know, like that. It's just we talk on the show about some, how old people have tendencies.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Some of us talk about that with more respect than others.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

And my dad told me a story and I'm gonna relay this story to you the way he told me. And he told it with so much pride. And like, this is what I have done and what I have accomplished. And five years ago, 10 years ago, he would have been humiliated by this, okay? But they, they are retired and they spend a lot of time at the casino, the local casinos, a casino on an Indian reservation near where they live. And two or three times a week they'll go and it's, I mean, it's a significant hobby for them. And they will report their winnings and their winnings or losses are never more than like 100 bucks, you know, and it, and it affects their mood. If they lose $40, they're legitimately bummed, which is fine. Because if that's your hobby, and your goal there is to win younger than that.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

That the casinos are hobby too.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Right. But I mean, so they. They go there and they're not. It's so whatever. So they go to the casino.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Regulars.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

They're regulars, yes.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

When they walk in, the bartender says hello and asks how that's how their week's been.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Right? But they're not going to the casino in the sense of, like, my dad's sitting in a poker room with sunglasses on with, you know, thousands of dollars in chips in front of them. Like, they go and they make a day of it, and they play $5 blackjack for a few minutes and nickel slots for a few minutes and go have lunch at the buffet. So this is the story that my dad told me yesterday. He goes, so we went out. He goes, jeffrey, get this. So I know. So I sat down and he said,

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

we always call you Jeffrey.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Get a load of this. I gotta tell you this story. So he says that they went to the casino, and when they pulled in, they noticed that there were a lot more cars there than usual. And he says, we pulled in. There's a lot of cars. We pull into the parking garage, first level, full, second level, full. Third level, full fourth level, where we park our full. And our whole row was taken. So they go there enough that they have a row. So we had to park on the roof of the parking garage. And I said, so we. So I said to your mother, donna, what do you think's going on here? We walked into the casino, and before we even got to the gaming room, we passed this room, and it was filled with Jeffrey. This room was the best buffet I had ever seen. And there was a woman standing there, and I said to her, hey, what's this all about? And she's like, oh, we're just doing sampling. And my dad says, really? And she says, yeah, we're doing sampling and tasting and blah, blah, blah. And he goes, really? Huh? And she goes, yep. And then she walked away. So your mother and I went in there, and this is at lunchtime. So he proceeds to describe the buffet in detail the way only an older person would. Jeffrey, you wouldn't believe it. They had chicken fingers and cheesecake and not bite sized cheesecake, both slices of cheesecake.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Scene the size of the shrumps.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Yeah, that's what it was. He's like, the chicken fingers were so great. He goes, you know, I've been to those tasting things before where they give you a little plate. We had a full plate in Full silverware. It was amazing. And we walked.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

My family always adds the price, like the discount. My family always brags about the discounts.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Well, this was free, remember? So he said. This was. He was like. They had ham and cheese roll ups. They had whatever. For whatever reason. He described the toothpick as having the little green cellophane wrapped around the tip of it. Like that makes it fancy or whatever.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Why do all people describe food in such. That is so funny.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So I could. If I thought about it long enough.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

They're not busy.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

That's so true.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

They're not busy. And they love to tell a story.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So. So they're telling the whole story with that pizza and this and that. They had. Jeffrey. They had a giant tub filled with soda. Filled with it. Like every kind of soda you could want. You wanted a Coke, it was in there. A Diet Pepsi was in there. Sprite was in. They had sodas I didn't even hear of. They had water that was carbonated. Like soda. Like the whole, like amazed. He had just discovered a new land. Thrilled. So they made two critical decisions during that free lunch buffet.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Okay.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

One, when they discovered that it was there until 6pm they decided that they would stay at the casino until dinner. That was one decision.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Smart. Two meals. Two meals, no cost.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

And two, this is where it starts to go really wrong. Two, they decided mutually that one of them would go out to the car and get a shopping bag that they had in the car to fill with soda to take home. Because they saw other people with like canvas bags and. And they were taking some of the pack like they. Full candy bars. Not those little mini two bite Snickers look, they give you at Halloween full candy bars. So he's putting them getting old.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Makes you a pack rat or a klepto too.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Yes.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Well, no. This is a generation that doesn't like to waste anything.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Sure.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

I don't know if this is.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

It's not wasted.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

I don't think we're gonna do this. But they.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

There's a casino that sees 5,000 people a day. So I'm gonna lead it. But my parents are gonna help out the cause.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

That's right.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So they made those two decisions.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

They don't know what they're gonna do with those drinks. They don't want. They don't want them to go to waste. They're going to take them home.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Like the mini ketchup bottles or the salt and peppers.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Yes.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So they go to the casino or they go into the casino and they do their thing and I'm sure he didn't tell me this, but I'm sure at the blackjack table, more than once, my dad looked at my mom and said, hey, Donnie, you know what I'm going to get? I'm going to get one of those cheesecakes with the chocolate drizzle on top, like planning for dinner.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Well, what I love is also, I'm sure your mother, at least my mother, will do this. She'll take the napkins and ornately cover the food that she's about to take home with the sort with the fold

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

out the knife, wrapping it with paper

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

napkins exactly like she is at the department store gift wrapping a Christmas item.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Okay, so. So they've now made the decision to stay there. So now they're in the casino. They, you know, they have their great time at the casino. Apparently, one one of them made a run back for another soda. You know, even though sodas are free in the casino, they didn't have the cherry.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Mr. Pibb.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

They didn't have cherry Coke Zero in the casino, but they wanted to try that, you know, whatever. So they go and they, this is

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

a very exciting day for your parents.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Oh, huge. So they go out and get the bag. Dinner time. They go back in, they make another sweep of this beautiful buffet. And then they're using their. I'm assuming it's a plastic grocery bag, you know, like. And they're putting different things in there. And apparently mom and dad each have one. So they. Of course, right. So they've picked out a couple sodas. They got the fancy water that's carbonated, like soda. I'm sure they've wrapped up a couple things in napkins, candy bars, everything.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Of course they did.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

And they're sitting down, and there's one

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

little grease spot that shows up on that napkin.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

On the napkin, which soaks through. So they're sitting down, eating their second free meal of the day, and somebody comes and sits next to them and says, hey, how are you guys? And they said, oh, we're good. How are you? This is fantastic. Right? And the guy says, yes, Can I ask you, can I help you with your badge? And my dad says, I'm sorry, the what? The badge. And the guy says, yeah, can I help you? Have you misplaced your badges? And my dad says, I don't understand a badge. He goes, well, did you register? My dad's like, oh, I didn't even know we had to. Do we have to sign something? Do we have to fill something out? I mean, he goes, he goes, well, do you. Do you own a restaurant? And the guy said. My dad says, oh, grocery store. Nope. Online food purveyor? Gourmet cheese shop. Nope. Fishmonger.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

And your wine store?

[Caller 1]

No.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

And your dad wasn't catching on.

[Caller 2]

Nope.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Dessert bar? Coffee shop? No.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Oh, no.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Went through every possible food he could

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

have thrown you in there.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Deli diner? No.

[Podcast Host (Ad Reader)]

No.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

TJ Fridays? Hot dog cart? Nope.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

I'm not lying.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Well, you can't be in here. This is a trade show for the food service industry, and we are sampling our food for all of upstate New York. And if you're not a registered guest, you can't be in here. My dad goes, oh, I'm so sorry. Then the man pulls their two plates of food away from them and says, wait here while he goes and gets a security guard to walk them out of the room.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Oh, well, that's just going to.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

And they carried the sacks of sodas. They carried the sodas with them. And my dad told me the story with pride. Years ago. He would have been humiliated that that happened. But this is like, we got two meals, they didn't get us at lunch. My dad. Please don't tell that story to anyone younger than you.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

I'm telling you, from 60, you're high five.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

And all the way home, they get away with something.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

60 years old and older. You know what? They get a pass for everything. And I blame that person for escorting them out with security. That was wrong. And to pull their plates away because you're. No, that was wrong.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

My parents single handedly consumed more than any of the people who probably paid to be there. They stayed for an extra meal. And just so you know, so you have the picture, my parents, when they go to the casino, my dad wears jeans, a hoodie that he's had since I was born, and a plaid flannel shirt. And my mom, her sweater has a fake polo shirt collar on it. The Burch show.

[Podcast Host (Ad Reader)]

Okay, can we talk about how confusing weight loss has become? Like, one minute it's carbs are bad, and then the next it's, no, actually, carbs are fine, but only if you walk 10,000 steps and you drink a green juice. And honestly, it's just a lot. And then even if you do lose the weight, keeping it off is a whole different story. If you're struggling and want something that fits your real life, hers can help. It's designed to support you in reaching your goals in a way that actually fits your life. That's why weight loss by hers is getting so much attention right now hers connects you with licensed medical providers who create doctor developed treatment plans tailored to you. They offer access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy pill and the Wegovy pen. It helps regulate your appetite so you eat less and keep the weight off. If you're ready to reach your goals and want to try something new, visit for herhers.com Bert to get personalized affordable care that gets you. That's F O R h e r s.com Bert for hers.com Bert Weightliftsbyhurst is not available in all 50 states, but Govee is a registered trademark of Novo Nordisk. A s To get started and learn more, including important safety information with Gobi clinical study information and restrictions, visit borheart.com

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

I have a question. We may get no phone calls on this because I think it might just be. This might just be a marketing campaign. It might be a marketing slogan.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

All right?

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

But it could lead to good phone calls if we get them all. Remember, we have a voice disguise. So remember, you don't have to use your real name.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Right.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

But the topic is this. Has anything that's ever happened on vacation really stayed on vacation?

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

You got Vegas on your mind.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

But I'm not just talking about Vegas. Like, I think we've talked about that before. Like, you know, what's gone on in Vegas has, you know, stayed there. But like, is there anything Rock City, baby, that you have, any place that you have traveled to, anywhere you have gone with your family, without your family, spring break, whatever. I would say, as I would almost, let's say we might even have to take spring break out of it. Unless it's something that you never admitted to your friends, even your friends who are down there with you, which, what's

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

funny about that, can happen.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

You think?

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

My high school spring break, there's a guy that actually, that was the way he hit on me. Somebody that we went to school with and I briefly dated and I say in finger quotes because, you know, I've been this way for a long time. And he was trying to use the excuse, well, we're, we're out of town. And you realize that when you're out of town, it doesn't count is what he said.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

That's what he said to you? Yeah.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

And he thought that he was going to be able to, you know, hit that because, you know, we were out of town, it wouldn't count. So it's almost like saying, you know, I know you're worried about any number or anything, but don't worry about numbers.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Don't count.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Numbers don't increase on vacation.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

That's totally good guy logic.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

You know, it didn't work, but I did have somebody tell me that Guy

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

logic, I wouldn't say good guy logic, but unique. Definitely. Yeah. I mean, I think. I mean, I think definitely groups of friends go on vacations or girls, weekends away, and everybody breaks off into, you know, doing their own little thing. And don't share everything with them, especially if they don't want it following them home.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So it's possible that you could be on spring break with girlfriends. You could pair off with a girlfriend,

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

weekend trip or bachelorette party weekend. Or.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

And you pair off with a girl or a guy, you guys do your thing. Or a girl, it's spring break. I mean, what happens happens. Or, you know, it's vacation. So it's a whole new world of discovery. And so you do whatever you want to do. Off in the corner fantasy. Right. And then you come back to your big group of girlfriends. You don't even tell them that you just made out with a dude.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Yeah. Or you say less than what you really did.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Hey, Chris. Welcome to the bird show.

[Caller 2]

Hey, how are you?

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Good. That's the difference between girls and guys. Girls say the less of what they really did. Where guys are makeup. Oh, my God. It was ridiculous. And then her twin sister showed up. Wow. Hey, what's going on, Chris?

[Caller 2]

Not much, actually. When I went to Panama City two years ago with my friend, his girlfriend and a couple of her friends all went and we were kind of hanging out and I got pissed off at my friend because he was driving my car and ended up rear ending somebody. Wasn't bad. But then he was just kind of not the nicest person for the rest of the trip. But one night we all went out and got pretty drunk and I ended up sleeping with his girlfriend in the bed next to him in a separate bed, but he was on the other side of the room, just passed out. And he has no clue at this point.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Is he still dating her?

[Caller 2]

As far as I know, he and I don't really talk after that. Just, I mean, we kind of, you know, split ways just because of the way it was and, you know, a whole bunch of stuff, but nothing ever came out of it. And I don't think she's ever said anything, so I think he would have called me on it.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

You rear ended my car.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Rear ended your girlfriend Thought about that, Melissa. But I didn't say it out loud, but I did.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

You said it by proxy.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Hey, Kelly needs to be on the voice disguiser, and Kelly is not her real name. Hi, Kelly.

[Caller 1]

Hello.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

How are you?

[Caller 1]

I'm good. How are y'?

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

All?

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Good. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Caller 1]

Okay, great. I actually went every year during college on spring break with a whole group. We had a whole group of best friends. We would always go together. And this one year, we went and I hooked up on a futon with my guy roommate that I lived with in college for a couple years. We've been best friends since kindergarten. Our families were friends.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Oh, that'll always mess up a good friendship.

[Caller 1]

We actually are still friends, and to this day, I really don't think anybody else found out about it. I. I've never heard from anybody else talking about it. My best friend. Who? My girl best friend. Her brother was in the room at the time, so I think that he was passed out drunk, though, so.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

So nobody knows you? Neither one of you told anyone?

[Caller 1]

No. We made a pact. What stays on spring break is staying there.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

What happens on a futon stays on a futon. Nothing says sexy, right.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Futon.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Nothing says sexy. That a couch that folds out to an uncomfortable bed with a really thin mattress. It's got a cigarette burn in it.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

And then when you pull it back up, it takes three people to get that mattress back in the right position.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Hey, Kelly, what's going on? How are you? Do you need to be on the Voice disguiser?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, please.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Okay, good.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

You are.

[Caller 1]

Hello?

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Yeah, go ahead. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Caller 1]

We went to Jamaica for a bridal party, and I hooked up with a groom. I was best friends with a groom, not with a bride. And he was. We got a little drunk, and he was like, just do it one last time. I'm still single. And I was like, okay. You know, sure.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So we hooked up, and nobody knows about it.

[Caller 1]

Nobody knows about it. It's been five years now, and the

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

couple is still together.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, they're still together. They have two kids.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Wow.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

And she has no idea?

[Caller 1]

No, she does have no idea. She just thinks that we're, like, really good friends. Like.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Well, you were friends. Really, really good friends.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

You know where I bet this also happens? It's not necessarily just like a spiritual spring break or like a wild vacation scenario, but a work travel scenario, too.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Like conventions and stuff.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

I think that might be to LA next week.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Hey, what's up, Melissa?

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

What's up doesn't count when it's on a work trip.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Like, didn't you have a Wendy's gonna barf over there.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

I know.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Didn't you have a situation where, like, somebody. Somebody in here knew someone who would go on a work trip and hook up with the same guy? It was like an annual convention. They would all meet in the same city, you know, for the big Tupperware convention, and they'd burp each other.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Yeah. It was my friend that was the Tupperware salesman. Burp each other.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

The burp show.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

I have a dating question for you guys.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

All right, Bring it.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

I need to know whether I should be concerned and if this is normal and also what. How I can bring this up. Okay. Because, you know, I have a boyfriend, and we've been dating for a while now. And. And so there. Maybe it's with our job or maybe this is a normal couples. But oftentimes, if there are sleepovers, it's not at his house, it's at my house. Because of our jobs and our schedule and the way we wake up and go sleep.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

And you're a girl and all your equipment's at your house.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Yeah. And for girls, it's just you gotta be at home to get ready for your day. You know, you got.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Guys can sleep on the street, and they're fun.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Yeah.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

You know what I mean? Like, you get up, you dust yourself off. Guys, you can go about your day.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Plus, you live in that big mansion on East Paces Ferry Road.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Right, Right. So oftentimes it's at my house, so I leave early. And then there was the issue of locking the door. Right. And so there's a bottom lock that automatically locks. But I don't really feel safe with the apartment without the deadbolt. Right. So I want the deadbolt locked. So this is probably a couple of months ago it becomes apparent that he needs a key.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Right.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Yeah. So for safety reasons, and, you know, to make sure that it's locked or whatever, I'm like, okay, when you leave, set the alarm, deadbolt the apartment. Right.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Sure.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

So now it's been months now that he has a key.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Mm.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

But I don't have a key to his place.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Oh,

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

not cool. Not.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

No, not cool.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Isn't it a.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

And it's. It's probably because there's really no need for it, because if there's ever a sleeping member at his house, then he's there and I'm there. We leave at the same time. Or it's, you know, maybe on the weekends.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Whatever.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

There's no need for me to have to lock it when he's not.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

The justifying doesn't matter. Not cool.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Okay, so is there room to be concerned about this?

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Yeah.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

What does it mean? Like, what do you think it says?

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Our listeners love to weigh in on stuff like this. I personally haven't dated anyone in six months, so I might be off on this. But wouldn't it be a reciprocal transaction? Like once you provide him with a key, then the next time he sees you and he's able to go to the Ace Hardware and go to that neat little.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

And you just get the special colors.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

You hope it works.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Even though you know you're gonna get it in the thing and it doesn't turn. But whatever, you gotta go back. But you know, it takes two or three times, right?

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So you go and he would present it to you like on a, you know, like in your case, a beer bottle opener keychain and go, there you go. Here's the key to my place with

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

a little wine key on it. It's just never come up. It's honestly just. It honestly just has not come up in conversation with me.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

And it's an awkward thing to bring up. Like, how do you bring it up if you don't really need it?

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Like if there's not a real necessity for it, you know what I'm saying? There was only one time there was a necessity for it because while he'd been traveling and I wanted to go over and do something nice and leave little notes or whatever when he came back into town. So I'm friends with a neighbor and the neighbor let me in. And so that was the only time I would have liked to have had one to go in and like make it cute and leave him some stuff and some notes and whatever.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

The burden's on him. The burden's on him.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

But how does she bring it up? Like you sound like a psycho to bring it up.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

It would be such a random conversation because there really is not a whole lot of purpose for it. But it seems imbalanced that he has a key to my place.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

It is imbalanced.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

It seems to come and go whenever he wants.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

It is imbalanced.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

And I don't have one to his.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

I've never exchanged keys with somebody just

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

one sided because it only really came up from.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Because that's. That's when the conversation really should have. Should have happened.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Because anytime that was months ago.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Well, shoot. Well, I really screwed that up. So I need to get the key back and make him ask for it again. Hey, precious. Yes, how are you?

[Caller 3]

I'm good, thank you.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Good. So Jen's about to break up, huh?

[Caller 3]

No, I don't think that's it. But I was in the reverse situation. And, you know, me and my girlfriends were talking and they're like, well, how come, you know, you didn't give him a key? But I felt that, you know, he didn't need one. And so when I did offer the key, it was just, like, completely horrible because he was like. I was giving it to him out of obligation and not because I actually wanted to. So I think you should just chill out and wait till he just offers up the key.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Don't bring it up in conversation.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, I wouldn't even bring it up in conversation. I mean, if there's not a reason, and I know that sounds really crazy, but if there's not really a reason for you to have a key, I think he'll just give it to you in due time. The problem, I would have gave it to him in due time, but me giving it to him, he's just like, I feel obligated to because I already had it.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

The problem is there is no way. Thanks for your shit. The problem is there's no way to bring it up. Like Christine says, you just ask him about it, right?

[Caller 3]

Yeah, I think that you should definitely just ask him about it.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

But that's a psycho conversation.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Right. That's what I'm saying is, like, that's where the imbalance comes in, is because him not giving a key and if it sounds psycho and him not wanting to offer the key, that's where the imbalance is. What is it? Seems to symbolize something.

[Caller 3]

Well, I don't think that he's necessarily saying, you shouldn't have one. I think that he just forgot.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

I mean, I do think it's kind of like he is a guy just dudish. Yeah. Like, there's really no reason other than, like, what Melissa's saying. Is there an emotional reason or is there, like, a symbolism to it? And I think that's why I feel like it's imbalanced. Like, well, wait, hey, you got one of mine. I should have one to yours. But with girls, it's really no necessity for it.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

With girls, it's emotional. With guys, it's just practical.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Practical. He's like, I don't have time to go to Ace Hardware or whatever it is.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Hey, Patrick. Hey.

[Caller 4]

What's going on?

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

How are you?

[Caller 4]

I hate to be the typical man here, but I'm telling you, this is not even in his brain right now.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Yeah, it's not like you're thinking you're doing the Natural.

[Caller 4]

I hate to play just the natural difference between men and women, but this isn't even. I mean, he wouldn't even thought twice about this.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Well, if you just tell him to leave it under the mat.

[Caller 4]

Well, I guess it's a matter of practicality for him. I mean, that's why he has a key at your place, that he asked for one. Or did you give him a key on your own?

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

She gives out her keys to a

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

lot of people, right? No, I gave him one because I wanted my place to be locked. You know, because we come to work so early in the morning. I wanted my place to have the alarm set and the deadbolt locked. So I gave it to him and said, this whole just doing the bottom lock thing is not gonna work for me. I just don't feel safe coming home if you're already gone by then.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

What is.

[Caller 4]

That's why it's not even in his head. I'm telling you, you just need to. I mean, I wouldn't even think so.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

It doesn't mean he doesn't like me.

[Caller 4]

I don't think it's in his brain at all. He's just being a man.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

What is.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

I wish women could just. Just being a girl.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

How. How long after he. After you gave him the key, did it dawn on you that you don't have one back?

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

The next day dawned on me. No, honestly, it didn't. It didn't dawn on me until I wanted to go over there and do something nice. Cause he had been out of town, and I was like, well, then that's trying to do something cute and, like, leave the place looking really nice and I couldn't get in. And then I thought, oh. And then, honestly, that was maybe a month or two ago, and I haven't thought about it really since, until it came up in conversation with some friends. And I thought, don't have a key.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Well, Christine's got the plan for you.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Okay.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

You gotta create a reason.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, you do.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Okay.

[Caller 3]

You need to leave something over there one day whenever you might be at dinner or something and wait until he's gone and say, well, well, I don't have a key, so I can't get in and get it.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

You're crafty.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So if.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Do you know, I like it.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

And then he'll be like, okay, I'll bring it over next. I'm a mature place since I'm there all the time because I got a key.

[Caller 1]

No, it's a really important something, though.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

You need it right now.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

All you have to do now is just come up with some time when you know he's going to be out of town for some reason, right? And then you just get the key from him ahead of time and say, I wanted, whatever.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Okay, I gotta come.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

If it doesn't bother you, then it doesn't bother you.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

She's a woman. It'll bother the bird show.

[Podcast Host (Ad Reader)]

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[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

I have a question that maybe you guys either know someone and I'm sure this has come up on the Birch show before, but this question is fueled by John and Kate plus eight. Okay, The TV show.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

And Jen, you'll have to correct me if I'm wrong or fill in the blanks here, but last week it came out that John, or a week or two ago John was caught like being inappropriate with a 23 year old girl, right?

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Yeah. Hanging out with a quote unquote friend

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

a whole lot and leaving her place early. A neighbor caught him leaving her place

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

like six in the morning.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Her brothers come out and talk to the tabloids and everything else.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So that that happened a couple weeks ago. Then last week I think it came out that Kate was fooling around with her security guard, her security man, and then they were having a relationship and

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

by the way, you know, they confront each other for the first time. Memorial Day weekend is when the first episode comes on. That's the. They're actually using all this to promote the new season of the show, too.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Seriously.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Brilliant.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Yeah, brilliant. But I feel bad for the kids, so.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

And, you know, obviously, John and K plus eight. There's eight children involved in this, you know, in that relationship. And I think we've talked about this on the show before, but. And we'll take your phone calls and we'll put you on the voice disguiser. 404741, Q100. Are there people who just have an understanding?

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Like, if John and Kate. If it was just. No, like, let's say that you're saying if their scenario was, you know what, let's just do whatever we got to do. Just try not to get caught.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Yeah. And I'm not talking about open relationships and swingers and that type of thing where you're allowed to, you know, because we've talked about that before, involve other people together. Right. Wendy's married to a guy named Joe, but they have an arrangement that if, you know, Joe meets a girl that he really likes, he can tell Wendy about it and blah, blah, blah, and the whole thing can happen. I'm not talking about that type of. Of open relationship. I'm talking about, like, almost like, don't ask, don't tell.

[Caller 2]

Yes.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Well, didn't Pink and Carrie Hart have

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

that sort of deal? I don't know.

[Podcast Host (Ad Reader)]

When they were married.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

They could go date other people as long as they didn't find out about it. Yeah.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

I've always heard that Will and Jada have that kind of a relationship.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

I've heard that, too.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

And you would think different reasons, though, but it would be like a Hollywood thing.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Oh, Melissa, everybody. Everybody's not gay. You think Jada is, though?

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

I'm hoping

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

so. The telephone number, 404741, Q100. We'll put you on the voice disguise. We'll give you a fake name, and if we don't get any phone calls, then so be it. But you would think that that's like a Hollywood generate the story thing. And Melissa kind of threw a little bucket of water on that with, you know, they're using it to promote the start of the first season. But it could be that if there's a situation where the woman's raising the kids and everything's great and blah, blah, and she starts screwing around with somebody and the guy knows it, he might go, you know what? I still got A good deal here. You know, she's still my wife. She's still taking care of my kids. Or the other situation is where the guy, you know, is making a good living and funding the woman's life.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

I would imagine it's when the relationship becomes practical and neither one of them are in love with each other, because if you're still in love with the other person, I don't think you'd be okay with that scenario. But if you have both fallen out of love with each other, you're resolved that your situation is more like roommates, more practical. We have to raise these kids. We have to bring in two incomes. You know, we can even have separate bedrooms, whatever. That's the scenario where I think that something like that would probably work because neither one is in love with the other anymore.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

I've always thought, well, I thought for years that Bill and Hillary Clinton were that way.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

That, oh, I could see that.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Just, you know, we're good business partners. We can help each other politically. Just don't get caught. And then I think that when the whole storm happened is, well, we got it. Now we have to publicly react because we got busted. But, yeah, I thought, you know, there's certain couples that I'm sure are together because they're better business partners or partners in life than they are, but they're a little rigid in the bedroom, if anything at all.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Or rigid.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

And that could be the. The John of Cate scenario. Although with Jack, can you imagine if the whole thing was 1000% orchestrated because of the launch of the series?

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

I mean, can we not have a family drama? I mean, it's successful already, but can we not have a family drama without there being drama in the family?

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

But how old are the kids? Like, would the kids even know at this point?

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

They have two older twins, I think they're aware. Would be aware.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

The publicity is great, though. I'd watch the show. Yeah, I wouldn't have watched it before, but I'll watch it now.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

That's what the previews are about right now.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

They're all both in tears. Hey, that's sad.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Yeah. Commentary on our society.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Ashley, welcome to the bird show.

[Caller 1]

I was actually going to tell y' all that I'm actually. Meet my husband. My husband's actually overseas right now, and he's actually said to me that he doesn't care what I do. Are quite young. He doesn't want to know about it.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So, you guys, he's your husband or your boyfriend?

[Caller 1]

My husband.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So while he's gone, you can do whatever you want.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

Just don't tell him about it.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Yeah, whatever you want to do, you can do it. As long as he doesn't find out once he comes home.

[Caller 1]

Pretty much.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

I'm assuming that once he's home, then it stops. Is that also the agreement?

[Caller 1]

Pretty much. And he's actually friends with some of the people that I do this with.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So you have followed through.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

How is he not. How is he not gonna find out if you're going or going to the friend pool?

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Yeah, guys, seriously, guys can't keep secrets.

[Caller 1]

Just so you know, they aren't his really, really close friends. They're just more of his acquaintances.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

I think it would have to be totally different.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Complete stranger, like go to Vegas. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

Do you let him have. Did the rules apply in the other direction?

[Caller 1]

Yes, actually, they do, actually. I'm actually more towards. I would rather him actually go find a girlfriend for himself if he can.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

And then when. And when he comes back home, he leaves her and everything's good.

[Caller 1]

Actually, I wouldn't care if people are back home.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So you're looking to have a little more spice? A little more spice, if you will.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Host 3 (Question Asker)]

See, I would always be so threatened that he would fall in love with her more than he was with me because it was more new with him.

[Host 2 (Commentator)]

He.

[Caller 1]

He's a very shy kind of guy.

[Host 1 (Main Storyteller)]

So you would. You would run the show there and you would have nothing to worry about. The bird show.