The Bert Show [Vault] – Full Show PT 1: Monday, December 29, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into real-life relationship dynamics with humor and honesty, focusing on stories of mixed romantic signals, the perils of hinting (rather than being direct), and navigating awkward social situations. The cast tackles two main call-in topics: the "Dear Joey" saga, where the team co-writes a letter for a listener struggling with a persistent suitor, and a provocative debate about past plastic surgery, honesty, and what influences attraction in relationships. Interspersed are calls from listeners sharing their embarrassing moments captured on film. The tone remains classic Bert Show—upfront, funny, empathetic, and sometimes sharply critical, all while inviting audience participation.

Segment 1: The "Dear Joey" Letter – When Persistence Isn’t Flattering

[Begins ~03:30]

Situation Setup

• Melissa shares a story about her friend "Claire," pursued relentlessly by "Joey," a man she went on one date with.
• Despite Claire's polite refusals and lack of enthusiasm, Joey continues reaching out for weeks—including on Thanksgiving and Christmas—completely missing or ignoring subtle hints.

"You can tell when someone is preoccupied... She seemed frustrated when she answered the phone, and she said, 'I just got a call from this guy, and I cannot believe that he is still calling me.'" — Melissa (04:15)

Main Discussion Points

• Missed Signals: The cast debates why Joey doesn’t grasp Claire’s polite brush-offs.
• Should Women Be Direct? Callers and hosts discuss whether Claire owes Joey a blunt message.
  • Kelly: “Guys don’t get subtle hints. Tell the guy up front.” (16:40)
• The Guilt Factor: Claire finally calls to reject Joey—only to be guilted with tales of family illness, which almost derails her resolve.
• Persistent or Creepy? Amanda calls in to argue tales of persistence can lead to happy endings, while the cast warns against glorifying boundary-pushing behavior.
  • Bert: “Wear the woman down until she has to give in? That just doesn’t sound right.” (21:10)
• Male Mindset: The show’s men claim guys need bluntness, not clues:
  • Greg: “We’re supposed to be this perfect little mind reader… just come out and freaking say it’s point blank!” (23:10)
• Responsibility: Cast debates if the onus is on the rejectee to ‘get the hint’ or if the initiator should be more direct.

Notable & Memorable Quotes

• On clarity: "If a girl doesn’t call you back for a couple of months, she’s just not that into you." — Greg (24:00)
• On why subtlety fails: “We both got mouth and lungs, just say it. Easier that way.” — Greg (24:45)
• On guilt-tripping: "He launched into 'feel sorry for me' first… he must have realized something may not go right." — Melissa (20:05)

Community Solution: The "Dear Joey" Letter

[Starts ~26:30]

• The cast and callers collaborate to write a no-nonsense breakup letter for Claire to send Joey.
• Each participant adds a brutally clear line, intentionally void of hopeful language or ambiguity.

Assembled Notable Lines:

• “Dear Joey, grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.” — Bert (27:17)
• “Your number has already been programmed ‘do not answer’ in my cell phone.” — Jen (27:30)
• “I didn’t like you then, I don’t like you now, and I’m not gonna like you in a couple of months from now.” — Yasmine (28:15)
• “Joey, do not contact me again or I will call the police.” — Jennifer (28:35)
• “No means no.” — Nicole (31:34)
• “P.S. My jealous ex boyfriend is getting out of jail.” — Vivian (32:26)

Tone: Deliberately direct, unambiguous, and a little tongue-in-cheek.

Segment 2: Embarrassing Moments Caught on Camera

[Begins ~33:00]

Listener Call-Ins

Listeners share stories of those photographs and videos they'd do anything to erase from history:

Highlights

• Anne: College party, exposed in photos put on a friend’s website. (34:15)
• Tia: Car accident victim; media caught her half-naked at 18, photos ended up decoupaged on her locker. (35:20)
  • Tia: “There was this big article… my butt was hanging out, my thigh was hanging—I was 18.” (36:05)
• Lil: Snarking about future in-laws at a wedding, recorded and played at brunch—total facepalm. (38:08)
• Tracy: Homemade sex video ends up labeled "baptism" and spends a year with her Southern Baptist preacher father-in-law. (40:05)
• Matt: Stuck his privates in a car wash vacuum on a bet, friend posts incriminating photo—but the ugly sweater is what people remember most. (43:10)

Cast Reactions

• Abundant laughter, gasps, and affectionate ribbing; stories spark equal parts sympathy and amusement.
• Free-ranging banter about social mortality and youthful mistakes.

Segment 3: Controversy — Should You Dump Someone Over Past Plastic Surgery?

[Begins ~48:50]

Situation Setup

• Caller Erin: After a year dating, she visits her boyfriend’s family, sees old photos, and discovers dramatic changes—ears, nose, chin, all altered. Now, Erin questions their future, especially their potential children’s looks.
  • Erin: “He looks frankly like Dumbo in one of the pictures… He looks nothing like the man I’m going out with.” (50:22)

Main Discussion Points

• Is It Wrong to Be Bothered?
  • The cast is divided on whether Erin’s wish for ‘attractive’ children is a vain dealbreaker or a valid concern.
  • “So you don’t want to have an ugly kid, is that what you’re saying?” — Bert (50:50)
• Honesty vs. Privacy: Debate over whether the boyfriend was wrong for not revealing his transformation earlier.
  • Jen: “Would you think differently if she'd had this much surgery and hadn’t told you?” (52:00)
• Shallow vs. Misled: Is being turned off by the past 'shallow,' or is the real issue that Erin feels misled?
  • “If you’re that vain about it, you obviously don’t love this man as much as you think you do.” — Bert (53:15)
  • "It's the fact that he’s hiding something." — Nicole (Caller, 01:08:15)
• Biological Realities: Cast jokes about genetics, Billy Joel’s daughter, and ugly/beautiful parent combos.

Notable Quotes

• “Would you criticize a woman for that [surgery] and think a guy shouldn’t marry her because… he wanted his children to have big boobs and she obviously didn’t?” — Jen (51:30)
• “Kids’ genes come from so many places… Look at grandparents and stuff. That’s just kind of mean, I think.” — Melissa (53:00)
• “A lie is still a lie. He’s still hiding something.” — Nicole (01:08:29)
• “What God gives you in one area, he takes in another. That’s the balance of life right there.” — Diane (01:15:00)

Conclusion

Hosts admit there’s no clear answer and that relationships hinge on honesty, communication, and knowing your own values.

Memorable Moments & Tone

• Humor Amid Seriousness: Even the touchiest topics are handled with jokes, sarcasm, and a sense of camaraderie.
• Real Advice, Real Debate: The cast invites honest debate—willing to call out shallow reasoning or defend a caller’s perspective.
• Audience Involvement: Listeners not only participate but shape the conversations, pushing both storylines and opinions forward.
• No-Filter Language: The show doesn't sanitize uncomfortable truths—or the language used to describe them—which adds authenticity.

Key Timestamps

| Time | Segment | Description / Quote | |------|--------------------------------------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:30| "Dear Joey" Setup | Melissa explains Claire’s dilemma | | 16:40| Call from Kelly | “Guys don’t get subtle hints. Tell the guy up front.” | | 21:10| Cast debates persistence | “Wear the woman down until she has to give in…” | | 27:17| Writing the "Dear Joey" Letter | “Dear Joey, grasp your ears firmly and remove your head…” | | 34:15| Listener Anne’s embarrassing photo story | “College party, nude photo on website” | | 35:20| Tia’s car accident, photo decoupage | “My butt was hanging out… I was 18.” | | 40:05| Tracy’s accidental sex tape | “Labeled ‘baptism’, with preacher father-in-law” | | 43:10| Matt’s carwash vacuum mishap | “Everyone remembers the ugly sweater, not the vacuum.” | | 48:50| Plastic Surgery Controversy introduction | Erin’s call: boyfriend unrecognizable in old pics | | 50:22| Erin discovers boyfriend's transformation | “He looks like Dumbo in one of the pictures.” | | 53:15| Bert on vanity | “If you’re that vain… you don’t love this man as much as you think you do.” | | 01:08:15| Nicole on hiding secrets | “It’s the fact that he’s hiding something.” | | 01:15:00| Diane on kid genetics | “You know, great looking parents have ugly kids and it goes the other way too.” |

Summary Takeaway

The Bert Show's December 29, 2025, episode is a showcase of their signature mix—hilarious, sometimes biting, always real—when unpacking the messy realities of relationships. Whether it’s helping a friend ditch a determined suitor or sparring over the ethical dilemmas of genetic attraction and past secrets, the crew invites their audience to both laugh and reflect. If you want unfiltered perspectives on love, awkwardness, and why sometimes the direct route really is the best, this episode is essential Bert Show listening.

Note: All advertisements, intros, and outros have been omitted for clarity.