The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Monday, January 19 [Vault] (January 19, 2026)

Main Theme

This episode of The Bert Show is a quintessential morning show mix: part real-life drama, part comedy, part advice column. The episode’s two primary themes are:

1. A dramatic friendship dilemma involving secrets and betrayals ahead of a wedding ("Should you tell your friend their partner is cheating, or mind your business?").
2. The Idiot’s Guide to Turning 21 – a hilarious but practical list of do’s and don’ts for making the most of the legal drinking milestone.

Throughout, the show features spontaneous audience calls, lively banter among hosts Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and the cast, and maintains its trademark balance of humor and honesty.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Friendship Drama: Should You Spill a Secret Before the Wedding? (00:04 – 19:00)

- Background:

• Heather calls in, caught in a fight with her friend Ashley over their friend group’s messy dynamics.
• Karen (their mutual friend) is remarrying her ex-husband, Kyle, after a previous breakup caused by her cheating.
• Karen has secretly rehired her ex-lover (the one she cheated with) as her company’s web designer; Kyle doesn’t know.
• Heather wants to tell Kyle; Ashley insists she should stay out of it.

- Unpacking the Dilemma:

• Heather’s Position: She feels she owes the truth to Kyle, her original friend, and believes he’s walking into another heartbreak.
• Ashley’s Position: She argues it’s none of their business, accuses Heather of jealousy, and suggests Heather harbors feelings for Kyle.
• Host Insight: The Bert Show crew explores whether you should intervene in a friend’s potentially doomed marriage, especially when your own relationships with the group are on the line.

- Notable Quotes:

• “He was my friend before I was friends with Karen.” – Heather (03:04)
• “If friends have knowledge your partner cheated, you’d want to know.” – D (03:07)
• “You have to think about him and how he would feel in this situation.” – Haley, listener (12:56)
• “If you’re truly, truly a good friend … you got to kind of let him know what he’s walking into.” – B (13:29)

- Audience Calls:

• Listeners weigh in with passionate opinions, many siding with Heather’s instinct to tell, others warning about the fallout.

- Ashley & Heather Face Off:

• Ashley joins live, accuses Heather of having ulterior motives: “She’s always had a thing for Kyle. She was hoping they’d end up together.” (08:36)
• The confrontation becomes heated, with past grievances and group dynamics unearthed.

- Consensus / Unresolved Tension:

• Hosts attempt a mediation: Should Heather talk to Karen first, giving her a chance to own up to Kyle?
• General advice leans toward confronting Karen before Kyle.

- Memorable Moments:

• “If you have the courage to say something to him, you should have the courage to go to her and say, look, I know what you’re up to …” – Listener call-in (05:08)
• “If the roles were reversed and Kyle had been cheating, you’d tell Karen in a second.” – Listener (17:04)
• The segment ends without resolution; both Heather and Ashley’s friendship appears irreparably damaged; hosts pledge to follow up before the wedding.

2. Comedy Bit: Voicemail Message Mishaps (19:14 – 25:28)

- Jeff’s Voicemail Woes:

• Host Jeff shares his struggle with updating his outgoing voicemail, hilariously botching multiple takes and accidentally leaving a blooper reel as his actual message.
• The show plays snippets of his failed voicemail attempts, complete with accidental personal info and profanity.

- Hosts’ Take:

• The team commiserates about the “voicemail pressure,” riffs on the complexity of modern phone systems, and shares personal stories about family answering machine disasters.

- Notable Quotes:

• “If you call Bert now, it says, ‘I’ll be back on June 7, 2002.’” – A (19:40)
• “Mine? Yours is basically a blooper reel, right?” – B (24:01)

3. The Idiot’s Guide to Turning 21 (25:28 – 44:27)

- Setup:

• A listener requests an “Idiot’s Guide” for someone turning 21, asking for must-know tips since he never experienced the undergraduate party scene.

- Crowdsourced Wisdom – Calls & Host Suggestions:

• Eat dinner first; get a good food base (27:01)
• Avoid sugary drinks to reduce hangovers (27:31)
• Go to the liquor store & insist on being carded (27:50)
• Don’t mix colors when drinking (28:44)
• Assign a designated driver; call for a Safe Ride (29:33, 30:53)
• Drink water between drinks or shots (31:29)
• Don’t start the party too early (32:10)
• Take the next day off work (32:42)
• Have people buying you a shot take one too (33:03)
• Carry a piece of paper to witness signature deterioration (34:51)
• For women: skip skirts/wear pants for “practical” reasons (35:10)
• Go in expecting the night to be the worst night of your life; keep expectations low (35:38)
• Set out hangover remedies (e.g., water, aspirin, crackers) before going out (37:55)
• If you’re a guy, you must do a body shot; for hangovers, Pedialyte (38:11)
• “Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” (38:45)
• Higher quality vodka means less of a hangover (40:04)

- Memorable Quotes & Moments:

• “Line up your reinforcements before you leave—water, aspirin, bucket, whatever your hangover old wives’ tale is.” – A (37:15)
• “Turning 21 is almost like an adult prom…in a lot of cases, the night can't meet that expectation.” – B (35:45)
• “If you have underage friends, start a passport at Taco Mac—100 different beers and your name’s on the wall.” – C (39:16)
• “For girls: wear a panty liner…there’s always going to be a lineup at the bathroom.” – Kathy, caller (40:36)

- Host Banter:

• Debates over putting “use a watchdog” on the list (i.e., a sober friend to watch out for you).
• Disagreement if 21-year-olds will bother with some of the more practical, older/wiser advice.
• Laughter about lost hangover recovery abilities as you age.

- Resource:

• The full “Idiot’s Guide” list is promised on their website for easy reference (43:13).

Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “If you’re truly, truly a good friend, then I think as much as it hurts … you got to kind of let him know what he’s walking into.” – B (13:29)
• “You have to think about him and how he would feel in this situation. … You would want somebody to do the same for you.” – Haley, Listener (12:56)
• “You guys are best friends, y’all. I mean—yeah, well, I mean, I don’t think so.” – D (15:54)
• “Carry a piece of paper with you. After every drink or shot, sign your name—see how your signature gets worse and worse.” – Karen, Caller (34:51)
• “Turning 21 is almost like an adult prom … in a lot of cases, the night can't meet that expectation.” – B (35:45)
• “Wear a panty liner … there’s always going to be a lineup at the bathroom.” – Kathy, Caller (40:36)
• “The only place where you can control your hangover is if you’re a vodka drinker … higher quality vodka gives a better hangover.” – A (40:09)

Important Segments & Timestamps

| Segment | Time | |-----------------------------------------------|----------| | Show opens, sets up Heather/Ashley drama | 00:01 | | Heather outlines the Karen/Kyle dilemma | 00:08 | | Hosts & callers debate telling the truth | 03:07+ | | Confrontation: Heather vs Ashley | 07:55 | | Audience weighs in on drama | 12:50 | | Drama unresolved, plan to follow up | 17:32 | | Workplace voicemail fiascos | 19:14 | | Idiot’s Guide to Turning 21: crowd wisdom | 26:00+ | | Practical/funny tips for 21st birthdays | 27:31+ | | Final rundown: “Idiot’s Guide” recap | 43:13 |

Tone & Takeaways

The Bert Show maintains its mix of playful, candid, and empathetic conversation—the drama segment is emotionally charged but handled with the hosts’ classic empathy and humor. The 21st birthday guide segment brings in the audience and keeps things light, funny, and practical.

For listeners:

• Relationship dilemmas: Trust your gut but weigh the consequences; bring problems to the source before outing secrets.
• Turning 21 advice: Eat, pace yourself, avoid sugar, have responsible transportation, and remember—you can only drink like this at 21!

Bottom Line

The Bert Show delivers another morning of authentic, laugh-out-loud radio, balancing real-life friendship crises with smart, crowd-sourced life advice, all woven together by quick-witted banter and open phone lines.