The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Monday, January 5 [Vault]

Date: January 5, 2026
Host: Burger (with co-hosts Jen, Jeff, and others)

Episode Overview

This episode is a lively, candid, and comedic exploration of awkward family discoveries, quick moves back home after failed attempts at independence, and a dramatic, messy love triangle involving a listener named Allie. The show keeps a lighthearted, teasing tone even amid heavy or uncomfortable confessions, staying true to its promise of real, funny, and authentic radio designed to make mornings bearable.

Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

1. "What Have You Found in Your Parents' Drawers?"

[01:32 – 09:38]

Theme:

Listeners and hosts share hilarious and cringeworthy stories about invading their parents’ privacy and stumbling on things they definitely were not meant to see.

Highlights & Quotes:

• Ashley: Shares about discovering her own lingerie being used by her mom ("My mom, I found out about five years after I was missing my lingerie that she was entertaining my dad with it." – Ashley, [02:31])
• Crotchless Panties & Condoms: Multiple calls detail discovering sexual items, including one who, at just seven, found cash and "crotchless panties."
• Used Condom:
  "One day after school, I went in my mom's room and I came across a used condom under her pillow." – Michelle, [03:45]
• The "Joy of Sex" Book:
  "I found their Joy of Sex. Book, the Joy of Sex, which has these like hairy people, really hairy illustrations inside." – Jeff, [04:14]
• Satanic Music Tapes:
  Stories of music tapes (White Snake, Def Leppard) being confiscated for being "satanic."
  "They had taken some of my cassette tapes and hidden them because they thought they were satanic. But it was White Snake and Def Leppard. That's all it was." – Caller, [06:15]
• Hidden Presents: One caller describes spoiling Christmas by accidentally discovering presents.
• Drugs:
  "I found a bag of weed also, when I was about 7." – Imani, [07:57]

Tone & Takeaways:

• The segment is full of laughter and collective groans, proving everyone has embarrassing stories from snooping.
• Hosts and listeners bond over shared awkwardness, but also highlight the importance of privacy and the unintended emotional impact on kids.

2. "Quickest Move Back Home" Stories

[09:39 – 18:29]

Theme:

After recounting an American Idol hopeful's failed move to California, the cast asks listeners about bold moves that ended in abrupt returns home.

Highlights & Quotes:

• Jen’s Brother: Accepted a job in San Diego, but after driving cross-country, found out the job fell through and had to turn right back.
• One-night College Stay:
  "Got there, stayed one night, couldn't stand the person I was gonna be roommates with and packed up and left the next day." – Suzanne, [11:13]
• Love and Homesickness:
  "I moved an hour and a half away for a guy that I just met...but I came back in less than a month because I missed my daddy. And I missed my job." – Krista, [11:45]
• Seattle Bust:
  "City's pretty, but it was too drab and rainy. And three weeks later, packed up everything and drove all the way back." – Reggie, [13:29]
• San Francisco Shocker:
  "She lives in a roach-infested slum and turned out she was a call girl. I bought a bus ticket and took the bus from San Francisco all the way back here to Atlanta." – Amy, [16:07]

Host Reflections:

• Burger shares driving alone from San Diego to D.C., only to be so scared and lonely that he cried in a hotel room in Gallup, NM.
  "It was the first time in my life I really felt all alone, like I had no support system at all." – Burger, [15:13]

Takeaways:

• Listeners and hosts debate how long it truly takes to "give a new place a chance" (hosts agree: at least a year to really know).
• A recurring message: It’s OK to try and fail, but give yourself time to adjust before heading home.

3. Allie’s Engagement Love-Triangle – “On-Air Breakup”

[19:45 – 35:16]

Theme:

Listener Allie confides she is engaged to two men at once, one in Atlanta (her ex who tracked her down after five years) and one in Kansas City (the long-term boyfriend). She wants to break things off with the Atlanta fiancé, and asks for the show’s help—on-air.

Segment Timeline:

• Backstory: Allie accepts a proposal from her ex two weeks after he resurfaces, despite being already engaged long-distance.
• Moral Debate:
  Co-hosts express disbelief:
  "You're engaged to two men." – Burger, [25:48]
  "Can you hear yourself? This is ridiculous." – Jen, [25:52]
• Psychology:
  Jeff theorizes, "I think you like the attention." – [25:16]
• Allie's Defense:
  "It's not about the attention. I can care less about the attention. It's just a simple fact..." – Allie, [25:18]
• Confrontation:
  The cast urges her to break it off privately. Allie insists she needs the show's help for courage, leading to an on-air call.
• The Call:
  "I just can't continue to let this lie kill me...Remember my ex—the Kansas guy? Remember I told you that I was engaged to him? That we broke it off? Well, we didn't break it off. And I'm still engaged to him." – Allie to "Tom," [31:21]
• Aftermath:
  The Atlanta fiancé ("Tom") takes the news with composure, but the hosts point out the pain and humiliation.
  "Well, I mean, you knew that wasn't going to end well, right?" – Burger, [33:55]

Hosts’ Guidance & Observations:

• "You need to be honest all the way around, Allie. You're starting your Kansas City thing based on lies." – Jen, [34:24]
• Allie admits, "I don't think that I need to be in a relationship. I mean, it's not…Maybe I just need the single life because I obviously can't break the news to no one." – Allie, [34:40]

Takeaways:

• The hosts reinforce honesty and maturity in relationships.
• The segment reflects the show's culture: messy real-life situations mixed with wry banter and supportive, if sometimes tough, advice.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parental Discoveries:
  "You got to be careful just to think that your mom was wearing your laundry while your dad's all over your mom's creepy nasty. No, no, no, no, no." – Burger, [03:04]

• On Moving Back Quickly:
  "It took me nine months to have a clue where I was even driving in this city." – Jeff, [14:20]

• On On-Air Breakup:
  "At least he knows…He had to know the truth." – Jen, [33:59]
  "I want to get it off my chest. I really do." – Allie, [29:31]

• On Facing Hard Truths:
  "You had to hurt him either in the beginning or you had to hurt him at the end." – Burger, [34:09]

Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:32 – 09:38] "Discoveries in Parents' Drawers" (call-in stories)
• [09:39 – 18:29] Quick move-home tales (failed moves to new cities, jobs, college, etc.)
• [19:45 – 35:16] Allie's two engagements and her live on-air breakup

Final Thoughts

This Bert Show episode delivers a mix of nostalgia, cringe, laughter, and live emotional drama. The hosts’ chemistry and listener boldness keep the energy high, candid, and ultimately supportive—even when taking callers to task for questionable decisions. The show’s approachable humor and "life happens to all of us" outlook shine throughout.