Full Show PT 1: Monday, March 23 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show - Full Show PT 1: Monday, March 23 [Vault]

Date: March 23, 2026
Featured Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Joe Jonas (guest), and assorted listeners

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Episode Overview

This lively episode of The Bert Show delivers a mix of personal anecdotes, listener call-ins, and a celebrity guest appearance. The themes range from stories of women displaying immense toughness during labor, to hilarious and controversial parenting confessions, to a candid, lighthearted interview with Joe Jonas about the Jonas Brothers’ new 3D movie. The show maintains its signature playful and authentic tone, balancing humor with real-life issues parents face.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Labor Pain Soldiers: Stories of Tough Mothers

[01:05 – 11:00]

• The hosts share and reflect on stories about women who powered through intense situations while in labor, highlighting the resilience of mothers.
• Noteworthy stories from listeners include a realtor closing a sale during contractions, a surgeon performing an operation while laboring, a ballet teacher continuing to teach class right before delivery, and a woman who threw her older child's birthday party before going to the hospital to give birth.

Notable Quotes:

• "She was in labor and doing business." – Jessica [02:35]
• "I delivered a 9-pound baby that was breech diagonal, 180 staples, hip to hip, was back to work full-time a week and a half later." – Nancy, listener [03:38]
• "If you want to lay around and be a wuss and cry about it, fine. If not, get up and, you know, take care of the baby... and get your ass back to work." – Nancy [03:55]
• "The day I gave birth, I was surfing all day long... I went surfing for about seven hours and went into labor and had the baby by midnight." – Cindy, listener [09:32]

Memorable Moments:

• Listeners expressing admiration (and a little disbelief) for these supermoms.
• Playful banter about how men would handle such levels of pain and multitasking.

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2. Interview – Joe Jonas & The Jonas Brothers 3D Movie

[11:32 – 21:32]

• Joe Jonas joins the show to discuss the upcoming Jonas Brothers 3D movie, the excitement of connecting with fans at surprise theater visits, and humorous tales of performing on stage (including needing bathroom breaks during concerts).
• Hosts joke about how immersive the 3D experience could be if fans confuse the real Jonas Brothers for their on-screen counterparts.

Notable Quotes:

• "We've seen some really ridiculous rumors... so we always hear tons of rumors and you kind of just get used to it and laugh it off." – Joe Jonas [17:30]
• "We're going to fly all across the country, and we're not saying what cities, but we're just going to show up to the cities and walk in the theater and kind of surprise the fans." – Joe Jonas [14:59]
• "Hey, Miley, how you doing? This is Joe. I'm your biggest fan, and I'd like to know if you like giraffes and if you like giraffes, have you ever met one?" – Joe Jonas, pre-recording a playful question for Miley Cyrus [20:20]

Memorable Moments:

• Joe Jonas’ deadpan refusal to discuss past relationships: "Nope." [14:04]
• Light-hearted joke about Joe Jonas having a toy giraffe in his room [20:52].

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3. Parenting Confessions – Pinching the Playground Bully

[23:06 – 36:46]

• Jeff confesses to pinching an unruly child (not his own) at a playground, sparking hilarious debate and candid admissions from other parents who have fantasized about, or even enacted, similar retaliations.
• The ethics of disciplining someone else’s child and the responsibilities of parents are discussed, with listeners calling in to share their own near-misses and secret actions to keep playground bullies in check.

Notable Quotes:

• "He ran by me and I pinched the back of his arm. Not even my kid, a strange kid..." – Jeff [26:46]
• "That is so bizarre that you wouldn't, like, reprimand him?" – Jessica [27:18]
• "You became a child like you did." – Burke [29:38]
• "I think you lived out a lot of parents dreams." – Alice, caller [31:15]
• "There's something with a guy with a northern accent who says, 'Yeah, do we got a problem?'" – Female Co-host [36:37]

Memorable Moments:

• Multiple listeners confessing to wanting or almost physically retaliating against playground brats.
• Jeff and others debating whether it’s better to tell the teacher or teach kids to stand up for themselves.

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4. The ‘Weed’ That Wasn't – Catnip Confusion

[39:24 – 45:19]

• A hilarious segment where Burke recounts an awkward situation: a handyman’s son stole what he thought was weed from Burke's house, only for it to later be revealed as ordinary catnip.
• The discovery and confusion lead to a classic Bert Show moment of mistaken assumptions and miscommunication.

Notable Quotes:

• "I don't smoke weed. I don't have any weed in my house." – Burke [42:16]
• "So the teenager was smoking catnip." – Jessica [44:19]
• "I can't stop licking myself clean. Let's go get some mice, bro." – Burke [45:19]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------| | 01:05 | Labor Pain Soldiers – Stories of women in labor | | 11:32 | Joe Jonas Interview: 3D Movie & Tour Surprises | | 23:06 | Parenting Confessions: Pinching the Playground Bully | | 39:24 | The 'Weed' That Wasn't – Catnip Mishap |

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Notable Quotes & Speaker Attribution

• "She was in labor and doing business."
  – Jessica [02:35]

• "If you want to lay around and be a wuss and cry about it, fine. If not, get up and...get your ass back to work."
  – Nancy, listener [03:55]

• "Nope." [Regrets about past relationships?]
  – Joe Jonas [14:04]

• "We've seen some really ridiculous rumors...so we always hear tons of rumors and you just get used to it and laugh it off."
  – Joe Jonas [17:30]

• "He ran by me and I pinched the back of his arm. Not even my kid, a strange kid..."
  – Jeff [26:46]

• "So the teenager was smoking catnip."
  – Jessica [44:19]

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Tone and Style

The Bert Show walks the line between self-deprecation, honest confessions, and witty banter. It dives fearlessly into embarrassing tales, empathetic celebrations of parenthood, and playful engagement with celebrity guests, all while consistently encouraging listeners to feel part of the Bert Show family.

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Summary

This episode is a showcase of both the grit and humor of everyday life. From mothers working and teaching ballet through contractions, through the awkward reality of playground justice, to misunderstandings about recreational substances (me-ow!), and all capped with a fun, interactive celebrity segment, The Bert Show keeps the laughs coming while never shying from life’s most relatable struggles. Whether you’re a parent, a Jonas Brothers fan, or just in need of a smile, this episode delivers.

Transcript

[Howie Mandel]

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[Bleacher Report Announcer]

The bleacher report is your destination for sports right now. The NBA is heating up, March madness is here, and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the bleacher report app. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I care about, get real time scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the bleacher report app today so you never miss a moment.

[Burke]

The burch show.

[Jeff]

How do we stumble on this labor paying soldiers, man.

[Jessica]

Because of Mia.

[Burke]

Yeah, we were talking about Mia who performed at the grammys and then is gonna perform again in a weekend, right?

[Jessica]

Yeah, she's expected to perform at the oscars. Cause she does this song called osiah on the slumdog millionaire soundtrack. And so she performed at the grammys on her due date, had the baby, and is now gonna be performing at the oscars on Sunday.

[Burke]

I love that.

[Jeff]

I love it. I love a tough woman, man, Seriously, that can st stick it out like through labor pains or whatever and just sucks it up and man, it just works through it.

[Female Co-host]

Well.

[Jessica]

And she obviously had a healthy pregnancy too, because, you know, I mean, I've had a lot of friends that have been on doctored, ordered bed rest and all that kind of stuff that, you know, if you don't have a healthy pregnancy, you can't be like tough as nails. But she had a healthy pregnancy and she's tough as nails, are going for it.

[Female Co-host]

Yeah. So we asked listeners about that and we had two listeners who one was a realtor was going through labor pains, and then another one was a surgeon going through labor pains.

[Joe Jonas]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

If you think you're tougher than these women or you want to brag on your wife today and say, look, you think those women were strong, Let me tell you what my wife did through her labor pains and give us a call. Right now. 404-741-Q100. This is the realtor that was in labor. And economic times are bad right now. You got to get the sale. It doesn't matter.

[Joe Jonas]

Yeah. My wife, in the midst of labor between contractions, was a realtor, took phone calls. In this market, you can't walk away from a sale.

[Nancy]

Wow.

[Jessica]

She was in labor and doing business.

[Joe Jonas]

Yes.

[Jessica]

Unbelievable.

[Burke]

Did she close the deal?

[Joe Jonas]

She did.

[Jeff]

All right, good.

[Nancy]

That's awesome.

[Female Co-host]

Both of them?

[Nancy]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

That's tough.

[Jessica]

That's amazing.

[Jeff]

That is. I can't even. That is such a turn on a woman with that kind of pain tolerance level to work through that. 404741, Q100. This is from the surgeon from yesterday.

[Nancy]

This is what I did during labor. I was operating. I'm a surgeon. And I was having some back pain that I kind of blew off because I thought, well, they do not do for another three weeks. And I finished my case and went to the office and was seeing patients. And it turns out by lunchtime, when my husband finally made me go to my gynecologist, I was 5 centimeters dilated.

[Female Co-host]

And so you performed surgery while you were in labor.

[Nancy]

Nice.

[Jeff]

Nice.

[Female Co-host]

And what do you call?

[Burke]

Soldiers?

[Jeff]

Yeah, labor pain soldiers.

[Female Co-host]

Man.

[Jeff]

Nancy's a tough chick. Hey, Nancy.

[Nancy]

Hey. Good morning.

[Female Co-host]

Good morning.

[Jeff]

Give it to us. Ruff.

[Nancy]

Mia is nothing. I delivered a 9 pound baby that was breech diagonal, 180 staples, hip to hip, was back to work full time a week and a half later. Yeah.

[Jessica]

Talking about now, is that out of desire or necessity that you went back to work?

[Nancy]

It's really mind over matter. If you want to lay around and be a wuss and cry about it, fine. If not, get up and, you know, take care of the baby and the 20 month old that you had right before and get your ass back to work.

[Jeff]

I like it.

[Burke]

What do you do for a living? I like that right there.

[Jeff]

I run through a wall for you.

[Burke]

What do you do for a living?

[Nancy]

I worked for a furniture rental place where I actually delivered the furniture.

[Jessica]

Unbelievable.

[Female Co-host]

So you picked up the furniture.

[Jeff]

You were picking up furniture and stuff like that right afterwards?

[Nancy]

Well, with the help with a dolly, sure. But, you know, houses aren't really that heavy. Yes, thank you for calling. Well, my body hurts.

[Jeff]

Yeah, Kara.

[Joe Jonas]

Just a little bit.

[Jeff]

Who's a badass, Kara?

[Nancy]

My sister Karen.

[Jessica]

What'd she do?

[Nancy]

She. When she delivers her baby, she goes and teach ballads. She goes and teaches ballet before she delivers.

[Burke]

She's a ballet teacher with every baby.

[Nancy]

Every baby.

[Jeff]

So she's in labor, and she's teaching ballet still?

[Nancy]

Yeah. And one time we got to the hospital, she taught ballet, went home for two hours, and then she delivered in 12 minutes.

[Burke]

Whoa.

[Jessica]

I don't need to sit in a hospital for very long.

[Burke]

So when she.

[Jessica]

That's funny.

[Burke]

Like, when she goes in to teach the ballet class, is she like, okay, it's almost time. Let me shake this thing loose. Or does she just happen to be in there and it starts happening?

[Female Co-host]

It's going to be a better ballet pose than shake this thing loose that she did.

[Nancy]

She just. She goes in and she has contractions, and then she just. She has to finish teaching.

[Jeff]

So you got to get it done. You got to get it done.

[Burke]

Just for the record, Tracy has just sent me a message and asked us if we could move on anytime now.

[Jeff]

That would be great.

[Burke]

She hates it. She goes, if I go into labor, I will not be a soldier. In case anyone's wondering.

[Female Co-host]

She doesn't know that yet. She doesn't know that yet.

[Burke]

And then she wrote, I'm craving chocolate milk.

[Jeff]

Christy, you are a labor pain soldier.

[Nancy]

I am.

[Female Co-host]

Tell us about it.

[Nancy]

I went to the doctor. They were like, you're dilated. Before, I was like, no, today is my other child's birthday. I still left the doctor's office. They were like, go to the hospital. I was like, nope. I went and threw a birthday party, had a birthday party, brought her home, went to pick up my husband at work. Was like. He was like, you're in labor? I said, yeah, but we have to do stuff for the baby. Other baby. And then when I finally went to the hospital, late that two pushes, the other baby was out. I was already fully dilated, but walking

[Jeff]

around, I got a birthday to take care of.

[Jessica]

Fully dilated.

[Jeff]

Fully dilated.

[Jessica]

How big is fully dilated? How many centimeters is that?

[Nancy]

10.

[Jeff]

10.

[Jessica]

And you're still walking around?

[Nancy]

I was still walking around, just clutching tight, like, I know this other baby can't come yet. The other one has to have her birthday first.

[Jeff]

This is loud.

[Jessica]

That is impressive. You loved that first child.

[Nancy]

I did. So they have two different birthdays. Literally at 1208, the other one was born.

[Female Co-host]

I love how she said, today is not his birthday.

[Jeff]

Nuh. Adam Cagle has taken over.

[Female Co-host]

That's a superhero.

[Jeff]

Patrick, give it up, man. What's up?

[Joe Jonas]

So we just moved here from California. Probably should just preface this, but my wife actually has had two back operations, and so she had to have a C section, and so consequently, they couldn't give her a Epidural. They had to give her a spinal tap. So whatever medicine is in a spinal tap they didn't give her enough of. And she could actually feel them cauterizing her insides. Yeah. So I'm standing there videotaping this thing, and she's like, honey, I don't. I don't feel right. You know, I'm like, yeah, you're having a. They're pulling a baby out of you. Of course you don't feel right. So that. She's like, no, I can actually feel them. And the doctor said, what? And they said, well, give her some more. Whatever medicine they're supposed to give her. And they didn't. She wasn't basically numb enough.

[Jessica]

Oh, my Lord. I cannot imagine what she went through.

[Burke]

Hey, I've got a list of people Tracy hates. You're one of them.

[Jeff]

But this one was kind of forced on her. Like, I understand she was a soldier, but she sort of had to be where the other calls were. Like, yeah, I was in labor, but I had a ballet class to teach, so I. You know, I did what I had to do.

[Female Co-host]

Today is not my childhood.

[Jessica]

She had a C section she could feel.

[Burke]

Yeah.

[Nancy]

That is so crazy.

[Burke]

All right. Okay.

[Jeff]

I'm gonna go into labor, and I'm not even pregnant.

[Joe Jonas]

Not again.

[Burke]

Save. Yeah. How do you feel about your little burn on your leg now, Wendy?

[Jessica]

Feels much better because the rest of my body hurts.

[Jeff]

Michelle, are you the badass?

[Nancy]

I'm a badass.

[Jeff]

All right.

[Burke]

Well, and just for everyone, in case anyone's wondering, I am right now clutching my vagina closed despite not even having one.

[Nancy]

It's been 10 years, and I'm still clutching mine.

[Jeff]

What happened?

[Nancy]

My husband was studying for his CPA at the time, so he was. It was finals week. I was full term, pregnant with my twins. I had gained 100. I drove myself to the hospital because I did not want to wake him up. Got there 7cm dilated, gave birth to my children naturally, no drugs, and, you know, the other way. Seven pounds a piece, five minutes apart.

[Jeff]

Damn. And your husband slept through the whole. He was never even there. Slept through the whole thing.

[Nancy]

No, actually, he. He got there. By the time I called him and got to the hospital, he said, what the hell are you doing? Because I drove myself to the hospital,

[Jeff]

and she drove herself. Yeah, I'm just being me, baby. I'm just doing me right now. This what you married me for?

[Jessica]

It's awesome.

[Jeff]

This may be the one I love most. Go ahead, Cindy. You're on Q100.

[Nancy]

Yeah, the day I gave birth, I was surfing all day long.

[Jeff]

That's my girl right here. Yeah, man.

[Nancy]

I went to the hospital about 7 o' clock that morning and they told me that I hadn't dilated any to come back the next day. And I went surfing for about seven hours and went into labor and had the baby by midnight.

[Jeff]

Nice. Good for you. Surfing in labor.

[Burke]

God bless you.

[Jeff]

Love it.

[Jessica]

I'm just curious, what kind of bathing suit were you wearing?

[Nancy]

Excuse me?

[Jessica]

Were you wearing a bathing suit?

[Nancy]

I was wearing a bikini.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Nancy]

Go camping, girl.

[Burke]

The Birch Show.

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[Bleacher Report Announcer]

Casino the Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports right now. The NBA is heating up, March Madness is here and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I care about. Get real time scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment.

[Howie Mandel]

The Global Gaming League is presented by Atlas Earth, the fun cashback app. Hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my how we do it gaming team take on Gilly the King and Wallow267's million dollars gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown. Plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match right [e-mail] that's globalgamingleague. In partnership with Level Up Expo.

[Jeff]

The Jonas Brothers have a brand new 3D movie coming out that Joe is going to tell you about here in just one second. Good morning, Joe Jonas.

[Joe Jonas]

Good morning, guys. How you doing?

[Jeff]

I'm okay. How are you doing?

[Joe Jonas]

Pretty good.

[Jeff]

I want to be totally honest with you. I have had to pee for like 10 minutes and I was hoping you were gonna be right so I could run to the bathroom before you called. And you messed everything up for me this morning.

[Female Co-host]

You've never had that introduction before.

[Joe Jonas]

You should have woken up a little bit early.

[Jeff]

I tried getting out of here sometimes do you just forget to pee, though?

[Jessica]

Is that you on stage?

[Joe Jonas]

I've had the problem on stage.

[Jeff]

Have you? Like, you want to pee right before you get out on stage and then you.

[Joe Jonas]

I think while I was on space, I'd have to shoot my brothers a look and they get it, and I would have to just run off stage for a few seconds and come back.

[Female Co-host]

Do you dance off? Like, do you do the whole. Yeah, I'm really into the song and I'm dancing off.

[Jeff]

You're hopping cross legged.

[Joe Jonas]

I just run.

[Burke]

Is that something that you're aware of as you walk on stage? Like where the nearest restroom is?

[Joe Jonas]

You always have to be aware where the nearest restroom is or where the stash of water bottles are or, you know, regular, regular, regular, normal, normal things.

[Burke]

I was just gonna say, if you're walking off stage and just at the same, you know, running off stage because you got, you know, 45 seconds to go, and just as you see your, you know, road manager shutting the door with a newspaper tucked under his arm,

[Joe Jonas]

you're like, yeah, well, the good thing is we play a lot of venues where there's, like, it's just like a hockey arena or something. So, like, you know, there's just always, like, there's just hallways of, like, little hole. Like little holes of dressing rooms that have bathrooms. So it's. The funniest thing was a couple weeks ago, we had a concert, and I'm running backstage and I just. My mom's in the dressing and I'm running by her. My mom's face was like, wait, what are you doing? Why are you going upstage?

[Jeff]

You have actually literally had to pee into a bottle on the side of a stage before.

[Joe Jonas]

Not. That's something that I've yet to do.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Burke]

Because guess what Bert's doing right now.

[Jeff]

If I check out for a couple of minutes, you know why? It's Joe Jonas on the Bert show this morning.

[Jessica]

Joe, you have been famous for a while now, and you've had some famous relationships. I'm just wondering if you have any regrets in those relationships or maybe in getting out of them.

[Joe Jonas]

Nope.

[Jeff]

Zero.

[Burke]

That's an awesome answer.

[Jeff]

No, not at all.

[Jessica]

Well said.

[Jeff]

Look, there was the whole weird Taylor Swift thing for a while there, but I'm just. I'm assuming that everything's cool there because she's part of the movie now, right?

[Joe Jonas]

Yeah. You know, everything's cool. And that's not what we're going to talk about today. I think we're going to talk about the 3 movie and how excited we are, you know, and last night, we had the premiere, and it went extremely well. I mean, it was. It was packed on Hollywood and Highland, just all the way down the streets, and all the fans came out, and it was exciting for us to kick it off with a bang and more excited to bring it to a city near you.

[Jeff]

We started to hear some rumors that you guys are actually gonna show up at the movie in different cities. Like, people aren't gonna know you're there, and you're just gonna go, hey, by the way, we're the Jonas Brothers, and that's us on 3D. And this is us in real life right here.

[Joe Jonas]

Yeah. What we're doing this weekend, we have a weekend off, and it's going to be really exciting for us because we have. We're going to spend it with our fans. You know, we're going to fly all across the country, and we're not saying what cities, but we're just going to show up to the cities and walk in the theater and kind of surprise the fans. And it's going to be exciting for us because we want to be able to really thank the fans by sharing it with them. And it'll be a really nice way to say thank you, I think.

[Female Co-host]

I'm sure the timing has to be just right on that, because if you walk in and they get mad that you've interrupted the movie before they know who you are, then you might get some popcorn thrown on you.

[Jessica]

Right.

[Burke]

So now that this is out here that you're sneaking around to movie theaters all weekend, if you look like a Jonas Brother, it would probably be a good idea to avoid movie theaters.

[Joe Jonas]

Oh, yeah, that one. Yeah. That could be dangerous for you.

[Jeff]

Well, because this movie is 3D, people aren't going to know if you're really there or not. They're going to just assume.

[Joe Jonas]

We might have to actually walk up to the people and say hello. I mean, that's why it's going to be nice to have. We're going to have microphones and stuff, I think, and just kind of walk in, and it'll be cool. It'll be pretty cool. And I think we're going to be watching the movie a lot this weekend.

[Jeff]

You're going to have to touch somebody because they're not going to believe it.

[Jessica]

It's a great idea. Do you guys help come up with those types of ideas, or are those G given to you?

[Joe Jonas]

We come up with, you know, with almost everything that we do, and we try to, like, definitely, like a co produce kind of a thing because we were always trying to come up with another cool idea to thank the fans or just our fun. You know, when it comes to our clothing or music or touring, it's all us. You know, we work hard at trying to make it. Trying to make it the best it can be.

[Jeff]

Hey, Joe, I want to ask you a tough question. That's not a personal question. It's a professional question. But it's one that's hit the Internet pretty, pretty nasty the last couple of weeks, and that's that you guys were collaborating with Chris Brown on writing some materials together. A, is there any truth to that? And B, have you guys sort of backed off of that since the whole Chris Brown, Rihanna alleged thing has been going on?

[Joe Jonas]

You know, our hearts go out to both of them and. And we have not worked with him. No.

[Jeff]

Okay, so is this just a rumor on the Internet and there has been no truth to you guys collaborating together?

[Joe Jonas]

You know, there's always rumors and you kind of have to just. You have to step back and either. You know, we've seen some really ridiculous rumors where, like, we were in Europe at one point and Kevin was. Somebody told Kevin. They're like, so, Kevin, you're leaving the band, right? We're like, what? Yeah, apparently you're going to be leaving the band. We're like, no, unless Kevin wants to tell us something. So we always hear tons of rumors and you kind of just get used to it and laugh it off.

[Burke]

Has there ever been a situation where one of your brothers has had to come to you after reading something about you in a tabloid and go. Just to give you a heads up and say, hey, I want to let you know what's coming down, or vice versa, where you've read something about one of your guys and one of your brothers and you've had to go to the guys and be like, hey, where you would actually. Where they may have actually thought there might have been a nugget of truth in it.

[Joe Jonas]

You know, I think it definitely sometimes. I think sometimes you can just know what's right and what's. You know, my brothers and I, you know, we're really close and we're really tight and. And it's no joke when I tell you that we're each other's best friends. Even off stage, we're still hanging out and having a good time together. And so, you know. Exactly. You know each other so well that you know what's true, what's not.

[Jeff]

Joe, before we let you go and give away tickets to the movie. We have Miley Cyrus coming in here next week, and you know her way better than we do. So can you give us a little bit of advice on things that we can ask her and things that we should stay away from asking her so we don't make her all mad?

[Joe Jonas]

Okay.

[Nancy]

She.

[Joe Jonas]

She. I bet she would love to talk about her dogs. She loves her dogs. She's like. I think she has, like, 18 of them or something. No, I think she has, like, three or four. And she. She has horses. I don't know if anyone knows that. She. She owns horses, and that's. She would like to talk about that.

[Burke]

And she's actually bringing the horses with her in studio, so that's going to be part of the organization. Hey, if you asked her, why don't you ask her a question, like, as a fan, that we will play for her during the interview? And don't identify yourself as Joe Jonas or anything, but just ask her a question that might cause her to raise an eyebrow, and then afterwards, we'll tell her who it was.

[Joe Jonas]

That'd be great.

[Burke]

Okay, go ahead.

[Jeff]

Go ahead and ask her the question.

[Joe Jonas]

Let me get my desk. Should I do a high or low voice?

[Jeff]

It should just start, hey, Miley, my name is Joe, and I'm your biggest fan. And then go ahead. And then go ahead and ask your question.

[Joe Jonas]

Hey, Miley, how you doing? This is Joe. I'm your biggest fan, and I would like to ask you a question. I would like to know if you like giraffes and if you like giraffes. Have you ever met one?

[Jeff]

What do you think, Joe? Thank you very much.

[Joe Jonas]

A little bit. I don't want to make it too

[Jeff]

obvious, but she's gonna go, is that Joe Jonas?

[Burke]

Is there a story behind that, or could you just not think of anything else?

[Joe Jonas]

I'm actually just looking at a giraffe. I have a toy giraffe in my room.

[Burke]

I don't know why he's gonna be like, what?

[Female Co-host]

That's.

[Burke]

Aw.

[Jeff]

Hey, good luck with the movie this weekend. It is released on Friday, and you just don't know. You may be sitting there in the audience. Joe Jonas walks in, and if you get a tap on your shoulder and it's somebody that looks like him, it's probably Joe Jonas.

[Female Co-host]

Or you're like, oh, my God, this 3D is really good.

[Jeff]

I felt it.

[Burke]

This is like one of those Disney rides where the bugs run into your butt, except they come out to you and poke you.

[Jeff]

Thanks, Joe. Good luck this weekend with the movie man. Thanks a lot.

[Joe Jonas]

Thank you guys. Have a good day.

[Jeff]

You too. Talk to you later.

[Joe Jonas]

Bye.

[Jeff]

Bye.

[Burke]

The birch show

[Howie Mandel]

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[Jeff]

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[Bleacher Report Announcer]

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[Jeff]

Call 1-800-GRAINGER visit grainger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done. All right, I'm gonna throw myself under the bus here.

[Female Co-host]

Okay?

[Burke]

Okay.

[Jeff]

And it goes against every radio guideline we have because essentially, I mean, this is a popularity contest.

[Burke]

Well, actually, that last break went along every radio.

[Jeff]

I think even in our failure, it was fun.

[Female Co-host]

Anyway, we tried.

[Jeff]

But this one here, I mean, our goal really is to make you guys like us and listen to us. It's a popularity contest. That's what our ratings are based on. And I think I'm gonna share a story with you guys that comes from personal experience. It's gonna make you got a lot of you guys dislike me forever.

[Female Co-host]

Forever.

[Jeff]

Because had this happened to my kid and somebody else was relaying the story, I would look at them differently.

[Female Co-host]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Happened two weeks ago, we took the kids to the zoo. And at the very tail end of the day, like right before you exit the zoo, there's a playground there. It's like the last thing you can do with all the kids. They get to hang out. And there's this playground, it's safe in there and they're all, you know, it's like any other playground. It's complete pandemonium. And you got all sorts of kids in there from all sorts of different ages. I mean, you've got from my youngest 18 month old to like kids that are 8, 10, 12 years old, all jumping on the equipment and stuff also. Right. So we're in the playground and I'm watching Hollis. Because Hayden's six, six years old now, he can pretty much take care of himself on a playground. I don't worry about him. But the 18 month old man or the 19 month old, that's the one that sketches me out.

[Burke]

That's the age where they'll just hustle away if you take your eyes off him. Right?

[Jeff]

Yeah, there's that. But I mean it's in a confined space so I knew he wasn't going to take off. But you got to watch. I mean they don't have any kind of. They have no judgment of who's around them and they're just walking to what they see.

[Jessica]

Right.

[Jeff]

And it doesn't matter who runs in front of them, they're going to get knocked over. If there's a, if there's a. What's this deal?

[Female Co-host]

Seesawder.

[Jeff]

Yeah, the seesaw. You know, they see this, they'll go right underneath it. He's 19 months old, so I'm a little sketched out. So I am gingerly following him like I am six inches from him. I hate playgrounds to begin with. I do. As a parent, it's the one place I hate to go more than any place else is the playground. I am sketched out. It's just a disaster area for injury. Right.

[Jessica]

And do you think it's cause Hayden had gotten stitches one time, didn't he get stitches?

[Jeff]

That wasn't at the playground, that was in a bathtub. Yeah. But just the way that they're set up and everything, they can fall easily. They can fall off of things if you're not watching. I am just always sketched out when my kids are at a playground. So anyway, here we are in this overcrowded playground at the zoo and my 19 month old is working his way up like slides and down slides with every one of the other kids. And you realize after a while as a parent, you get all different walks of life and the way kids are raised are so different. There are some kids that are completely out of hand and there are other kids that are very disciplined. There are Other kids that could not care less who's around them and who's in line. They are butting to the front of the line and they are elbowing other kids. And it doesn't matter. They have no radar, no consciousness of. All right, Rude. So I'm following Hollis around and he's. I'm watching this one kid. It's the one kid on the playground who's just starting to get underneath my skin.

[Burke]

Oh, no.

[Jeff]

Cause he is, like, pushing kids down. How old is he? And he looked like he was 6 years old.

[Nancy]

All right?

[Jeff]

He's pushing kids down, not waiting his turn. He's bugging all the other kids. He's pushing on him, he's pulling on him. Overly aggressive kid. So I'm on a. Just about to get on a slide with Hollis when this kid works his way up the slide, and again he's elbowing left and right, and he runs into me and runs under my legs. And he's just being obnoxious. And generally you have a filter to stop doing something like this. He ran by me and I pinched the back of his arm. Not even my kid, a strange kid

[Jessica]

decided to correct him on something like,

[Jeff]

hey, didn't even talk to him. He just went by me. And I just knew that he was under my skin. And I just knew that somehow, some way, someone had to stop the kid.

[Burke]

So you pinched him?

[Jeff]

I pinched him on the tricep.

[Burke]

And what happened?

[Jessica]

Yeah, what was this?

[Jeff]

He looked around like, where did that come. He didn't. It wasn't enough to, like, make him cry or make him go ah. Or yell, but he. He felt it. It would probably look around and he couldn't tell what kid did it, but it was me.

[Nancy]

That is so bizarre.

[Jessica]

That is so bizarre that you wouldn't, like, reprimand him?

[Jeff]

No. I didn't say, hey, wait your turn or anything, which I normally would. I just think that I had built myself up into such a lather and I disliked this kid so much that this strange kid walked by me. That you pinched him and didn't take responsibility for it. And I sort of had a scrubs moment, you know, where they see things, but they don't really do it. And you have that mental filter to stop it. And my arms just reached out and I nailed them right there on the tricep. And as soon as I did it, I felt really bad about it. But there was some part of me felt a little vindicated by it.

[Burke]

Wow.

[Female Co-host]

I pinch in a six year old.

[Jessica]

Do you judge?

[Burke]

Way to go. Tough guy.

[Jessica]

Do you judge yourself more for doing that or his parents for having an unruly kid and not doing anything about it?

[Jeff]

I put it on his parents.

[Burke]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Like I think kids, basically they, I mean there are some kids that are naturally more aggressive than others. But I also think it's the responsibility of the parents to say, look, when you're in this atmosphere, you gotta slow it down, man, you gotta wait your turn. You got nine kids in front of you and you've got little kids also. And learn how to not be rude.

[Jessica]

Do you think that those parents know that they have brats for kids? Like, are there parents that will admit, yeah, I haven't done a great job disciplining my kids and my kids are brats.

[Jeff]

I don't know if parents that have brats know that they are or not or I think some of them have given up.

[Burke]

Some of them do.

[Jeff]

That's it. That's just the way he is.

[Jessica]

I've never heard a parent admit, yeah, my kids are rotten, evil brats.

[Burke]

I've heard that. Really? Well, even think of the TV show the Nanny. Yep, he's just a brat. He punches his sister, he won't eat his dinner, he won't clean his room. There's nothing I can do with him. And like Bert said, once the parent has given up, then that is like their white flag. They're like, brat. The word Brad is written and kid wins.

[Jeff]

And once he wins like that, he knows it or she knows it, you know.

[Female Co-host]

But I, of course I can't condone the pinching, even though I think that's funny.

[Burke]

That was very six year old of you. Cigarette later around.

[Female Co-host]

But I don't, but I don't.

[Jeff]

Such a knee jerk reaction.

[Female Co-host]

But I don't criticize parents who discipline other kids when it comes to saying something to them, you know, I mean, I'm not, I'm not saying spanking.

[Jeff]

That's what you should have said.

[Female Co-host]

Yeah, but if you say something to the kid, I think you're completely in the, you know, it's okay to do

[Jeff]

that and I've done that before. No problem. You know, for whatever reason, this was just a knee jerk reaction and I physically touched a kid.

[Burke]

You became a child like you did.

[Jessica]

What did you did? You became a little kid.

[Burke]

What would you say to Hayden if Hayden pinched another kid? You'd yell at him.

[Jeff]

Well, me and his mom don't really see eye to eye on that whole thing.

[Burke]

What do you want me to beat you want him to beat his ass?

[Jeff]

No, not Beat ass. But he's starting to get. Get picked on by some kids at school. And my first reaction is like, tell them to stop. And if they don't stop, then punch

[Burke]

them in the eye.

[Jeff]

Give them back to what? What they're giving you. And Stacy's like, no, under no circumstances do you throw a punch. So we've gone round and round about that.

[Burke]

But are they picking at him? Like pushing physically?

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Burke]

Knock them out.

[Jeff]

That's what I say.

[Burke]

Yes.

[Jeff]

She's telling them, go to the teacher. Teacher will take care of it. I just think it's soft. I know, I don't like it.

[Burke]

It's 1000% a guy girl thing.

[Female Co-host]

No, it's not.

[Jeff]

You say go ahead.

[Female Co-host]

I say don't, don't. Don't start the fight, but finish it.

[Jeff]

That's what I say. I said give him the warning. Like say stop, stop, stop. And if he keeps doing it, then push him back. Yeah, I mean do your thing.

[Female Co-host]

Difference of opinion. But it's not a gender thing if

[Jessica]

he's sticking up for someone else. Like, I wonder if Stacy would change her tune if somebody was picking on Hollis and Hayden came in to defend him. Yeah, she would want him to defend his little brother.

[Jeff]

It hasn't evolved into that, but yeah, I would want him to push the other kid down. She told me that some other kid, like someone was making fun of Hayden the other day because he's small and some other kid came up and defended Hayden.

[Jessica]

Oh yeah. That's cool.

[Female Co-host]

Good for that kid.

[Burke]

Yeah. Have you taught Hayden the trick about holding a roll of coins in his hand when he hit someone?

[Jeff]

Got him working the numb chucks.

[Female Co-host]

But the rings on the fingers.

[Burke]

Aiden with numb Chucks is awesome.

[Jeff]

Hey Alice, good Morning. You're on Q1.

[Nancy]

I just gotta say, Bart, you talking about a popularity contest? I listened to you forever. Now you just. I think you lived out a lot of parents dreams.

[Jeff]

I seriously don't know what came over me. And I felt bad about it after it happened, but it was just my knee jerk reaction is to like sometimes

[Nancy]

those kids are just so completely out of control and you know, either want to pinch the kid or you want to pinch the parent. And it's like what are you doing?

[Jeff]

And you never do it. You just don't do it.

[Jessica]

But you want to.

[Jeff]

Let me ask you a question. I did.

[Burke]

Can I ask you a question?

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Burke]

Do you think, what are the percentage wise. What are the chances that you get into a verbal or physical altercation with the man you witness pinching Your son for cutting in line.

[Jeff]

Well, I gotta be honest. Yeah, you probably do. I mean, I think it's father to father. You go up to him and you go, what did you just do?

[Burke]

Did it like if you said, let's just say, yeah. If somebody did the same, you were at the bottom of the slide and you just happened to look up at the same time, you're like, you would go up to that dude and go, dude, did you seriously just pinch a five year old?

[Jeff]

Yes, I would absolutely do that. I would have absolutely confronted me on it.

[Burke]

If you had gotten into a fist fight over pinching a six year old, you realized at the zoo. Nonetheless, at the zoo, you do realize dad wars if I got that phone call about, hey, Jeff, we're gonna have to find a way to deal with this on Monday. I got arrested Saturday afternoon. I got arrested on Saturday. I'm like, oh, did you get in a fight at Jack and Diane's? No. I did get in a fight though, at the zoo. At the where? At the zoo playground.

[Jeff]

Right after the petting zoo. You know that playground?

[Burke]

I got in a fight at the playground at the zoo. Is that that new bar on Moreland? No, literally, I was at the zoo in the playgrounds, and I pinched just every step of that story. I wouldn't believe you. So I pinched a six year old. What?

[Jeff]

Hey, Donna, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Nancy]

Hey, how y' all doing?

[Jeff]

All right.

[Nancy]

I love your show. Listen to it every day. Thanks, but I give you kudos for doing that. I take my grandson to the park and to the playground and I experience. He's three and big kids like eight years old are not supposed to be on this playground. They're for five year olds. But I don't care. I don't say anything. But they'll shove him down the slide, they'll push him out of the way. He's scared to go up. The parents are sitting there. So you know what?

[Joe Jonas]

You should control your child.

[Nancy]

I would never let my grandson do that.

[Joe Jonas]

So.

[Jeff]

But you thought about it.

[Nancy]

Oh, yes, I thought about doing the same thing. You've done worse. Pushing them down the slide.

[Jeff]

But you got that mental filter where you don't do it.

[Burke]

I would almost.

[Jessica]

I mean, we would have episode of Scrubs.

[Jeff]

Yes.

[Burke]

We would have to get a voice disguiser that's like built by the CIA to get these phone calls.

[Jessica]

Oh, no.

[Burke]

But I guarantee you that there are teachers who have tripped or pushed down kids in shoulders.

[Jeff]

Thanks.

[Burke]

Absolutely. Yeah, like, I guarantee it. Like the Kid, it just won't stop running. And the teacher's like letting them on in the classroom when they go by, just gives a little, you know.

[Jeff]

I don't think anybody would confess to it.

[Burke]

What do they weigh, 40 pounds? It's not hard to get them down on the ground.

[Jeff]

Hey, Carla, you're on Q100. Go ahead.

[Burke]

You just don't even. You can use three fingers.

[Nancy]

Hey, Bert, I was gonna say, I totally agree with you. I have a 15 month old and I hate the playground as well. This kid was bothering my kid the whole time he ran by. I was gonna trip him. I look around. His mom happened to go around the corner at that time. But I totally agree. It's the parents responsibility to teach your kid how to act. And snotty kids that come to the park coughing and hacking, it's a nightmare.

[Burke]

Did you really. Did you just confess to looking around to make sure quote, the post was clear before you assaulted the five year old?

[Nancy]

Yeah, I sure did. It's like the mama bear came out

[Burke]

of me and I was ready to

[Nancy]

take this kid out.

[Jeff]

Yeah, I didn't do any recon. It was a knee jerk reaction. She's worse than I am.

[Burke]

Oh, that's funny.

[Jeff]

You were looking for a T shirt to confess that they actually pushed. Here we go. Hey, Barbara, you're on the voice disguiser.

[Nancy]

Hi bird. I love y' all show. I love calling. My dad used to be in daycare and they were one and there was always this little two sh. You know when they're mixing, when they're learning to get to the big class, there's always this two year old, I guess who would be pushing on them. And so they were one. And I took it as kids being kids. And one day my babies were crying. I went to go pick them up and they're like. She pushed on them again. You know, she pushed them and I just got so upset and I went and pushed the little girl down and made her cry and I was just like, leave my babies alone. And they were little cute, innocent things and I felt better after that. She didn't mess with them anymore.

[Jeff]

I'm sure she did it, poor thing. Paws come out, man, that's sad.

[Female Co-host]

She's having nightmares about that.

[Jeff]

I don't want to condone this kind of behavior. So I feel like I got to take a call for somebody that's chewing my ass out. Okay, Darren, go ahead.

[Joe Jonas]

Good morning. How you doing?

[Jeff]

Hey, what's up, man?

[Joe Jonas]

I gotta disagree with you. I don't think pinching the kid was right.

[Jeff]

I agree with you. It was absolutely wrong.

[Joe Jonas]

I mean, I'm.

[Burke]

I'm a parent myself.

[Joe Jonas]

I've. I have five kids, actually. And I gotta tell you, if I would have saw somebody else touching one of my children and it would have been a problem.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Jeff said the same thing. Had somebody done that to my kid, I definitely would have confronted a dad for sure. Absolutely.

[Female Co-host]

There's something with a guy with a northern accent who says, yeah, do we got a problem?

[Jeff]

We got a problem here.

[Burke]

The Bird Show.

[Jeff]

Jack Hardale was helping his daughter Emily lift an awkward dresser up a staircase when he slipped and fell backwards. A week later, Emily asked him how he was doing.

[Joe Jonas]

Doing?

[Jeff]

I'm good. Truth was, he wasn't good. Jack needed help. Then the darndest thing happened. Emily called Pacific Source. My health plan. Jack learned that Pacific Source provides members with support beyond healthcare. In Jack's case, we got him in touch with the local food bank.

[Burke]

You guys do that?

[Jeff]

Yes, we do, Jack. Pacific Source health plan.

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[Jeff]

Good morning.

[Nancy]

Hey, I was just calling to see

[Joe Jonas]

if y' all ever told the story

[Nancy]

about the weed being taken out the house. I've Been waiting and waiting. I said, here, have my water. Hell, no water. Trying not to go to the bathroom. And I couldn't do it. So I went to the restroom and came back, and y' all want something different. And I'm like, did I miss it?

[Jeff]

Jeff teased us earlier by telling us,

[Nancy]

you put this woman in pain.

[Jessica]

She had to hold her water.

[Burke]

It's not my fault. I put it out there. And Burke gets all distracted. There's a butterfly in the studio.

[Nancy]

No, I haven't missed it.

[Jeff]

No, you have not. We're going to talk about it right now.

[Nancy]

Okay. But I do want to say one more thing. Yesterday, I was sur for the dial and ran across y', all, and this morning, I found myself tuting it again. So y' all do it all. Awesome job. Yesterday was my first day, and I thoroughly enjoyed y'.

[Joe Jonas]

All.

[Jeff]

Oh, great.

[Female Co-host]

Thank you.

[Jeff]

I'm glad you're back. Thank you. Bye.

[Burke]

Bye.

[Female Co-host]

So sweet.

[Jeff]

That's a good call.

[Female Co-host]

Fantastic.

[Joe Jonas]

That was cool.

[Jeff]

All right, so Jeff teased us earlier and said that he had some weed stolen from his house. And at first I thought he said his wee was stolen from his house, but it's not. It's weed.

[Burke]

Yeah. With a D. Well.

[Female Co-host]

And it's in. Michael felt like shocking on so many. Yeah. Shocking. So many levels.

[Jeff]

Because he protects it very, very carefully. Carefully.

[Female Co-host]

Because Jessica's not the type of person that I would think would even have it in the house.

[Burke]

Yeah. Or either is Jessica, which makes the story even more entertaining. So I get an email from a guy who I know who has done some work and stuff in our house, like a handyman type dude. And I got an email from him, and he says, hey, I need to talk to you. I would like to come over and have a conversation with you. And I was. But it wasn't like, look, I mean, this guy did stuff in our house, like, four months ago, like, forever ago, like, before Christmas.

[Female Co-host]

So it's completed. It's not an ongoing project. So.

[Burke]

So I was like, wow. And, you know, whatever. It's really, you know, is there anything we talk about on the phone? He goes, well, I'd really like to do this, man. It was a really odd.

[Jeff]

Are you sure it's a secure line?

[Burke]

Yeah, it was a really. It was a really, you know, strange exchange that went by. And I kind of, like, I honestly thought that he was going to come over to the house, and then I was going to get, like, a pitch on something, like a sob story. Like maybe he had a cousin who needed to go on BBA or you know, a niece who desperately had to meet Britney Spears. Like, I kind of got the sense that that might be what's coming. So I finally forced him into a phone conversation. And during that conversation that he admitted that one of the times that he was over working in the house, two of the people who were there were. One of them was his 16 year old son and a 20 year old guy who worked for him. And they were helping him do one of these projects. And apparently that was four months ago. Fast forward to last week. Dad, the guy I'm talking to found weed in his kid's room. And it was a little vial of weed. And he said he grilled the sun down. And he goes, where did you get this? And the son confessed to taking it out of our house when he was there working on it.

[Jessica]

Dude.

[Burke]

Well, the guy was calling to tell me because he wanted the son to bring it back to me. Oh, no.

[Jessica]

Hilarious.

[Burke]

Hold on. He wanted the son to bring it back to me, but he did not want me to involve the police. And so I said to him, well, you know what? I said, I would love to help you out with this whole scenario that you have. However, I don't smoke weed. I don't have any weed in my house.

[Jeff]

I don't blow the chronic, bro.

[Burke]

Yeah, nobody, nobody in my house saved that somewhere smokes weed. We don't smoke. We certainly wouldn't own any. And we don't. I mean, we really don't.

[Female Co-host]

It's not mine.

[Burke]

Yeah, entertain, dude.

[Female Co-host]

It's not mine.

[Jeff]

And the dude's like, it's okay. Yeah.

[Burke]

And he was like, I just want

[Female Co-host]

to return something my son stole from me.

[Joe Jonas]

Right?

[Burke]

He's like, I understand. I understand where you're coming from. And we don't. He actually said the sentence, we don't have to discuss possession or ownership or anything like that. I just want it returned to where it came from.

[Jeff]

You're like, dude, really? I don't smoke weed.

[Burke]

So I said to him, like three or four. And I said, well, you know what I said, I got to be honest with you. I called you from my home line and I thought it was going to be a quick conversation. I'm walking out the door. Can I call you back in a couple hours? I'll call you from my cell phone. I'm gonna be out running errands, whatever. And I'm like, what the hell? And could not process it. And he said how much it was. He said it was like a little clear vial of whatever. So I Go out, I run errands.

[Reba]

Vial.

[Burke]

I'm sitting in a plastic tube.

[Female Co-host]

He said, I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm just.

[Jeff]

I think it's like one of those plastic tubes that you'd put like film in those little round ones.

[Burke]

Yes, but it was clear.

[Female Co-host]

A film canister.

[Burke]

Right. So anyways, guessing, you know, so I make the decision. I read High Times that the whole. The whole thing's too weird and I just not even gonna process it. Whatever. Fast forward to yesterday when I am digging around looking for a flashlight and I open the bottom drawer of the little thing in our kitchen. And in there I see bouncing around, two little clear vials of catnip that come with the cat scratchers that Jessica buys to put next to our furniture. So the cat doesn't scratch on the furniture. The cat instead scratches.

[Jessica]

So the teenager was smoking catnip.

[Jeff]

That's awesome. And you know, he would smoke with all his friends. And you're like, oh, my God, I'm so high, bro. Where did you get that?

[Jessica]

This?

[Burke]

And I never even thought.

[Jessica]

Did you call the guy back?

[Burke]

I haven't yet. I seriously probably.

[Female Co-host]

God, that's hilarious.

[Burke]

I totally opened it up and it's that we have this juncture at the bottom of our. You know, everybody's got it. Yeah, it's got like sunglass cases, whatever, blah, blah. And I needed a flashlight because I was looking for something in the garage

[Jeff]

and it all made sense to you in a second.

[Burke]

And as soon as I picked the flashlight up, like, these three little vials rolled and like, in. In two, like, the flashlight came pop. The vials rolled. And the thought popped into my head, God, if we ever die in a car wreck, people are going to think that's weed. Oh, Kid's been lighting up and, oh,

[Female Co-host]

and his friends are going, dude, this didn't really.

[Jeff]

It's really give me a headache, man. Maybe run around the house uncontrollably. I came into walls and stuff.

[Burke]

I. I can't stop licking myself clean. Let's go get some mites, bro. The bird show.

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[Burke]

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