Full Show PT 1: Thursday April 9 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Thursday April 9 [Vault]

Date: April 9, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show team

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show opens the vault with playful, authentic, and often irreverent morning banter from the cast and listeners. Key themes include adult confessions ("First Sex Fridays" and threesome planning), light-hearted debates about pool etiquette (and peeing in pools), real-life relationship quandaries (bachelorette party boundaries), and hands-on parenting advice for soon-to-be or new parents. The hosts maintain their trademark lively, candid tone throughout, encouraging listeners to engage in the conversation with humor and honesty.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Listener Drama: "First Sex Fridays" & Threesome Planning

(Begins at 01:59)

• Lizzie's Call-in Story:
  • Lizzie shares her reconnection and ongoing "friends with benefits" situation with her ex, whom she originally lost her virginity to five years prior.
  • She's preparing for a planned threesome this weekend with her ex and another woman—initiated at Lizzie's request.
  • Lizzie's candid about her bi-curiosity (“maybe this will make me bi, I don’t really know” – Lizzie, 06:09).
  • The hosts dig into issues of jealousy and logistics, asserting that, in threesomes, the "priority girl" is crucial (“Always pay attention to your girlfriend or your wife. The priority girl in this whole thing.” – Bert, 12:02).
  • Practical advice discussed: being comfortable, getting to pick the third party, and the difference between men's and women's motivations for threesomes.

Notable Quotes

• “There’s very few truly spontaneous first times with a woman.” – Melissa, 02:33
• “[If you suggested a hotter girl] I probably would have said no, because I’m comfortable with my ex.” – Lizzie, 06:46
• “I’m going to get a little bit drunk and hope that helps me out so I don’t have to deal with the jealousy factor.” – Lizzie, 07:20

[Segment wraps around 14:06]

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2. Pool Etiquette & Adult Confessions: Do Adults Pee in Pools?

(Begins at 16:44)

• Melissa’s Pool Story:
  • Melissa tells a story of a fellow adult peeing in a public kiddie pool, sparking debate about the acceptability of peeing in pools.
  • The team confesses and jokes about their own pool habits, distinguishing between lakes/oceans (more acceptable) and chlorinated pools (divisive).
  • Myths debunked: The infamous "urine-reactive dye" is confirmed to be urban legend (Thank you, Snopes!).

Humorous Highlights

• “If it’s any smaller than Olympic size, I will not number two in it.” – Greg, 22:43
• “The dye does not exist. That is important information this morning.” – Bert, 26:29

[Pool conversation tapers by 27:04]

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3. Relationship Quandaries: Bachelorette Party Photo Drama

(Begins at 29:38)

• Jack’s Dilemma:
  • Listener "Jack" calls in after discovering pictures of his fiancée at her bachelorette party, where she and others are seen touching a nude male stripper.
  • Emotional responses from all sides: Is this party hijinks, or a troubling boundary-cross?
  • Hosts ask if Jack would be as upset by similar photos of himself at a bachelor party, and discuss gender biases in bachelor/bachelorette behaviors.
  • Callers chime in with personal stories, perspectives on honesty, and advice on how Jack should address the issue.
  • The team lands on: honest conversation is key, and context matters more than the act itself.

Key Quotes

• “I mean, I certainly didn’t expect to see her hand on his package. And that’s a little disturbing.” – Jack, 38:20
• “Just get some antibacterial soap. Make sure she washes her hands.” – Melissa, 38:45
• “For me, it’s like it’s don’t ask, don’t tell. I just want to believe the innocent.” – Bert, 41:00

[Relationship segment ends around 41:11]

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4. Parenting Talk with Producer Tracy: Real-World Advice for Expecting Parents

(Begins at 44:06)

• Tracy’s Pregnancy Jitters:
  • Tracy shares her pre-birth anxieties and the challenge of preparing for the unknowns of parenting.
  • Listeners share real-life scenarios (pacifier dependency, losing toddlers in public, handling kids’ swearing) for Tracy to problem-solve on-air.
• Pacifier Solutions:
  • Creative ways to wean a child from a pacifier: trade it with Santa, mail it away, or “accidentally” let it fly out the car window (“Accidentally dropped it out the window.” – Jennifer, 49:39).
• Child Leashes in Crowded Spaces:
  • Open discussion on the practicality and judgment around putting kids on “leashes” at busy events.
• Teaching Kids Not to Swear:
  • Ideas include ignoring the word, reinforcing boundaries, or creating designated “bad word time” in the car to get it out of their system (“I let my kids have bad word time in the car.” – Jennifer, 55:30).

Notable, Relatable Moments

• “The goal really is to get them out of the house and get them to 18 or 19 before they need therapy.” – Bert, 46:55
• “I’m also afraid that if I do handle it the wrong way, I’m gonna scar them for some reason … I’ve just ruined their life for the next 50 years.” – Tracy, 46:47

[Parenting advice wraps towards end of the episode/segment at 57:38]

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Memorable Moments & Running Gags

• Bert's Anecdotes:
  Often self-deprecating about masculinity, competitiveness, and the hazards of overindulgence (“Through a back door. Because you only had one time to ever do that in your life, and you totally choked.” – Bert, 10:29)
• Jeff and Greg’s Banter:
  Squabble light-heartedly about pool habits, relationships, and Bert’s made-up stories.

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Title/Topic | |------------|---------------------------------------------------| | 01:59 | First Sex Fridays/Threesome plan (Lizzie) | | 14:06 | Pool Etiquette: Adult confessions on peeing pools | | 29:38 | Bachelorette party photo dilemma (Jack) | | 44:06 | Parenting advice with Tracy |

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Overall Tone

• Candid, playful, sometimes cheeky
• Supportive audience interaction
• Mix of personal confessions, social commentary, and light advice

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Takeaways

• Listeners feel comfortable bringing taboo topics: The team provides a nonjudgmental, often hilarious ear.
• Even awkward, adult confessions create community: Whether it’s sex, bachelorette parties, or parenting, the Bert Show leans into openness and authenticity.
• The cast gives practical, real-life advice—relationship and parenting lessons delivered with a wink.

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For those who didn’t listen:
This episode encapsulates what makes The Bert Show a morning radio staple—real, funny, sometimes edgy conversations that unite listeners through shared embarrassment, honest exploration, and just the right dose of irreverence.

Transcript

[Bert]

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[Bert]

Visit borheart.com the Birch Show Again, if you have kids listening, we're doing this stuff early because we figure most kids now are sleeping in and they're not listening early. So we can do more of the PG13 stuff early. And this is certainly one of them. We used to call these first sex Fridays. And the theory is that most women, when they're going out with a guy for any amount of time, it's not a spontaneous first time where they get ultimately intimate. There's planning that goes on in a woman's mind, and she's got it all played out in her head.

[Melissa]

Even think a one night stand is.

[Jeff]

She's.

[Melissa]

She's already planned to be open for that possibility. So I. I think there's very few truly spontaneous first times with a woman.

[Bert]

So we used to call these first sex Fridays where you call us up and you tell us, look, this is the weekend I know my boyfriend is. You know, we've been going out for a couple of months, and I'll call you on Monday and I'll let you know how it goes. And this is the same case here with Lizzie, except it's not her boyfriend. It's her ex boyfriend that she's hooking up this weekend. All right, Lizzie, you're on the voice disguiser.

[Lizzie]

Hey, what's up?

[Bert]

I would say that your email got priority status, so I figured it would give us a little history of you and the ex and then how he comes back into the picture and you get into the situation you're at right now.

[Lizzie]

We dated five years ago, and actually, ironically enough, he was the guy that I lost my virginity to, and so we dated for a few months, and then I hung out in the same social group with him, so I never really had a major problem with him. And he went his way, I went my way after graduating, and I called him up a few months ago and was like, hey, how are you going? Because I still had his number, and we ended up spending the day together, and then we ended up hooking up, and it's been a regular hookup ever since then.

[Jeff]

But she's not your boyfriend again?

[Female Caller]

No.

[Jeff]

So you guys are just friends with benefits at this point, but you had already been there before, so it's comfortable.

[Lizzie]

Actually, it's a lot better now than it was then because I didn't know what I was doing, and now I know what I'm doing, so it's a whole lot better.

[Jeff]

I'm sure he thinks so too.

[Bert]

Yeah, he's sticking around too.

[Jeff]

He's like, wow, is this different?

[Bert]

So it's purely physical at this point. There's no calling each other every day or texting each other and the emotion sort of out of it, and it's. It's purely physical.

[Lizzie]

We're definitely friendly and we definitely do talk, but it's not like I have to talk to you every day.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Lizzie]

You know.

[Bert]

All right, so you're going into this weekend. It should be like, any other weekend, but it's not.

[Lizzie]

Yeah, actually, I brought it up to him.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Lizzie]

So we were talking about different things that we wanted to try, and I was like, wow, I want to try a threesome. So he was like, oh, really? I know a girl. Let me call her up. And he called her up, and she was like, yeah, sure.

[Bert]

So we're speeding through this way too fast. So you go to the ex and you tell him, look, this is something I want to try. I just want to let you know that in his mind, when you said that he was like the dude at the slot machine that just won a million dollars.

[Jeff]

Yes.

[Bert]

All he heard was, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. People all around him were going sort of crazy excited. Excited.

[Greg]

And even if he didn't know a girl, he's like, I know somebody. And he's calling everyone. He's calling friends of his mom that he grew up with. He's just, like, trying to make it happen.

[Bert]

How did he determine which would be the suitable woman to be with you guys?

[Lizzie]

It's somebody that he was with in the past, too, and they had kind of the same relationship that we're having right now.

[Jeff]

Okay, but did you tell him what you were interested in? In a girl? Like, physical appearance wise?

[Lizzie]

I am really picky about girls, which is kind of weird because I. I'm bi curious. I'm not bi, but I'm definitely bi curious, so maybe this will make me bi. I don't really know, but he said that she's kind of like me, so I'm okay with that. So I've seen her on Facebook, and I think I'm hotter. That makes me feel better.

[Bert]

Did he have to? Did he? That's really important key, actually, right there. We'll get into that. Did he show you the picture before you agreed?

[Lizzie]

He told me who like that she looked like me. And I was like, okay, well, that's fine. And then he was like, oh, well, she's friends with me on Facebook, so go look her up. And I looked her up, and she looked, you know, about like me. I think I'm hotter, though.

[Bert]

And that's an important key for you, that you're the hotter one in this whole thing.

[Jeff]

What if. What if he showed you a picture of somebody that was hotter that you thought was hotter than you would. You said no?

[Lizzie]

I probably wouldn't have said no because I'm So comfortable with the ex that it doesn't really, like, bother me.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Lizzie]

But I probably, like, if it was with, like, another person and it was a hotter girl, I probably would have said no.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Bert]

And is this something that he has never done before?

[Lizzie]

He has.

[Bert]

He has.

[Lizzie]

I haven't.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Are you afraid of the jealousy issue at all?

[Lizzie]

God, yes, I'm afraid of it.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Like in the middle of it about

[Lizzie]

it, even though I shouldn't be because he's not my boyfriend, he doesn't have any real tie to me. So I'm like, all right, well, I'm gonna get a little bit drunk and hope that helps me out so I don't have to deal with the jealousy factor.

[Jeff]

I'm curious about your bi curiousness. What is it about your bi.

[Bert]

Curious. Curious.

[Jeff]

Curious about her bi curiousness anyway? I'm just.

[Greg]

You're curious by curious.

[Jeff]

Interested to find out what is it that you're seeking? Like, why wouldn't you just go after sleeping with a girl on your own? Why does he have to be there?

[Lizzie]

He doesn't in particular have to be there. I just have never been in a situation where I have been able to just one on one be with a girl. And if I was in that situation, I probably would be with a girl, but I just have never been in that situation. Situation before.

[Jeff]

So you feel like he's kind of introducing the situation. If it goes well with her, maybe he is left out of the equation next time.

[Lizzie]

Quite possibly.

[Tracy]

Okay.

[Lizzie]

So I don't particularly know if it would be with the same girl or a different girl or what.

[Bert]

I hate the way women just use men.

[Jeff]

I know. Well, one of my guy friends, like, one of my best guy friends I've known for forever, he said this is the situation that happened to him. He said the one time he was offered a threesome, these two girls wanted to get together and he was only there so that they could say he was there.

[Melissa]

Well, here's the thing. It was like, she offers it. Guess what? Guess what she's really interested in if he offers it, she's doing it to please him.

[Bert]

Oh, really?

[Jeff]

Yeah, that's true. It's whoever initiates it.

[Melissa]

Why is a girl gonna offer it to a guy? Unless she's not. Unless she's. She's truly interested in having another girl in there. I had no time bridge where she's comfortable with him. She's done it with him. She's never been with a girl. She's a little. Feels a little awkward, and so then she Uses that as the conduit. But, I mean, but if a guy's pressuring the girl, she's just doing it to please him.

[Jeff]

Right. And my guy friend that it happened to, he said they just wanted to be together and I didn't care. He's like, that was totally fine with me, he said, because I got involved in the beginning, and then I sat back as an audience member at the end, so he was totally fine with getting used.

[Bert]

I think for a guy, the bar is going to be set pretty low. Just the experience itself is going to be just fine. Just fine. Hey, Leslie. Good morning. You're part of the Burt Show.

[Jennifer]

Good morning. How are you?

[Bert]

Good. How are you?

[Jennifer]

Good, thank you.

[Female Caller]

I was just calling because she said she hoped drinking would help. Drinking definitely helps a whole lot because I've. I'm straight girl, and I've had two threesomes with my best friend who's a girl.

[Bert]

Whoa.

[Female Caller]

Who. She's bi. So it definitely helps loosen you up and lose that little rigidness you got going on.

[Bert]

Well, you got to be really careful, because I know some, if they're in that situation, will be so nervous about it that they would get so drunk that they wouldn't be able to perform.

[Melissa]

You've heard, you've had friends that told you this story?

[Bert]

I've heard stories. Really?

[Greg]

So how do you think that would play out if the person was to get so drunk they couldn't perform? Burt?

[Bert]

Well, he would probably throw up on himself in a public bathroom stall at a bar and have to bail on the whole situation while the two girls were waiting by a cab. Waiting for him.

[Melissa]

When you bail, do you mean, like, climb out the bathroom window or something?

[Bert]

I mean, just wait till everybody's gone and then split.

[Tracy]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Through a back door. Because you only had one time to ever do that in your life, and you totally choked.

[Jeff]

I'm really glad you just made that up.

[Melissa]

That's a horrible story.

[Bert]

Isn't that a crazy story? That is nutty.

[Greg]

That's an odd amount.

[Bert]

What kind of sissy guy would do that?

[Greg]

That's an odd amount of detail for a made up story.

[Bert]

It's just playing through my head.

[Melissa]

He's just trying to make the.

[Greg]

What would the name of the bar be?

[Bert]

I think it was in D.C. i was definitely in D.C. and I can't remember what the name of the bar would have been if this was a real story. All right, hold on. We're just gonna get one more piece of advice for you, because you said the jealousy issues, you're really concerned with. Yeah, this guy John here, he wants to be on the Voice disguiser also. Go ahead, John.

[Jack]

Yeah. At the beginning of 2000, me and my then wife, she went through a little curious phase, and we did the threesome thing with this same girl for over a span of a few months. But the fun thing about it was we did it a few times and did, you know, just in the middle. You know, just in the span of one night and stuff. And so we decided to go away one weekend, and we go away one weekend to the beach. And, you know, we go to bed that night. In the morning, we wake up, and it just so happens I didn't do it intentionally, but I'm. I have my arm over the other girl, you know, facing her. And I tell you I. That nothing else caused any jealousy, but that one thing right there caused World War three.

[Greg]

Oh.

[Bert]

You know, if you read like Maxim or you read like Ask Men or a Men's Health, and sometimes when you go to like the sex section and they're giving advice in this area, the advice that is across the board in every single article, the same it says, always pay attention to your girlfriend or your wife. The priority girl in this whole thing.

[Melissa]

To me, that's common sense.

[Bert]

Well, not for guys. I mean, kind of there's a lot going on and this. Been thinking about it your whole life, and I just want to grab. And they're saying, like, no, no, no, no. You got to focus on who the priority is or you'll mess it up entirely.

[Melissa]

And see, my thought with him in that last call is that he shouldn't have been sleeping in the middle. You know, he should have been on the side of his wife, should have been in the middle.

[Greg]

So, I mean, that's good threesome advice, Melissa. Yeah, thanks a lot for that.

[Bert]

Hey, Lizzie, we got to check back with you on Monday morning to find out how it all went.

[Lizzie]

Okay, no problem. And it either might be tonight or on Saturday. I'm not really sure, because for some reason this is like Saturday is happening.

[Bert]

So are you more nervous or excited?

[Lizzie]

To be honest, both. I'm trying my best not to dwell on it because the more you dwell on it, the more nervous you get about the situation. And the only problem is there is not a priority girl here. I'm not just girlfriend.

[Melissa]

Well, I just.

[Bert]

You're the one with. With the friendship, though, so you should definitely get priority.

[Lizzie]

What my friends with her, too. But I guess because I'm the current friend with benefits, I think it's Priority. And I'm also the new person. I've never done it before, so I think it.

[Jennifer]

Priority.

[Melissa]

I think the only mistake you've made. But I mean, I guess good luck going on the weekend. The only mistake you made is I think you should have picked the girl instead of him.

[Bert]

She late now?

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Lizzie]

Chelsea, if we do it again, I am picking the girl because.

[Jeff]

Yeah, you.

[Melissa]

You initiated this. So you. Because I can't imagine going into it blindly like you never met, know if

[Jeff]

you're going to be attracted exactly.

[Melissa]

Like I couldn't do a blind sex date.

[Bert]

You know, really kind of what it is. Yeah. All right, Lizzie, let's talk to you on Monday. Okay?

[Lizzie]

Okay.

[Bert]

All right. Bye. Bye.

[Jeff]

Good luck.

[Greg]

I think the Birch Show

[Bert]

Delete Me makes it easy, quick and safe to remove your personal data online. At a time when surveillance and data breaches are common enough to make everybody vulnerable, it is easier than ever to find personal information about people online. Having your address, your phone number, family members, names, just hanging out there online, it's all pretty scary stuff, right? With Delete Me, you can protect your personal privacy or the privacy of your business from doxing attacks before sensitive information can be exploited. Look, I'm online all the time and it freaks me out that my info is out there. Take control of your data.

[Lizzie]

Get.

[Bert]

Keep your private life private by signing up for Delete me now at a special discount just for you guys. Get 20% off your delete me plan. When you go to JoinDeleteMe.com Bert. Use the promo code Burt at checkout. That's JoinDeleteMe.com Bert. Enter the code Bert B E R T at checkout.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

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[Greg]

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[Bert]

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[Melissa]

I have a story about water in a pool that I wanted to relay to you guys because I made the sad realization recently at a pool party that it's not just kids that pee in the kiddie pool. And the reason I say this is because I was at a pool party and we were just. And it was a, you know, it was a public pool and I won't say where it is. It was a pool that was outside pool somewhere. And so there was the adult pool and the kiddie pool separated.

[Jeff]

So it's like some sort of community

[Melissa]

center, not necessarily country club.

[Jeff]

Whatever.

[Melissa]

I'm not saying where it is. So there's an adult pool and then there's a kiddie pool. And so there wasn't. I mean, it was during the day and everybody's hanging out and laying out and stuff. And so I was laying out and so I noticed and it was just our group there and one of the women in the group got up and said, you don't think anybody mind, you know, me getting in the kiddie pool, do you? You know, like to us, like, because there's no kids around, so it's no big, right? Because she was saying that she was hot, but she still wanted to lay out. So she laid in the kiddie pool and just kind of had her arms outstretched on the concrete and just laid back.

[Bert]

Okay, I need a definite definition of exactly what the kiddie pool is. This isn't one little itty bitty inflatable pool where the kids are playing.

[Melissa]

No, you're in a Public pool where you have the adult pool and then the kid pool over to the side. So like at a community, like Jim was describing, the community center, a country

[Bert]

club, a hotel, it's shared water.

[Melissa]

It's not shared water.

[Bert]

It's not shared. Okay.

[Melissa]

They're separated.

[Bert]

And that's important right there.

[Melissa]

Yes. And so she's sitting in the kiddie pool, laid back and hanging out. So I didn't think anything about it because I thought, well, she, you know, she was hot and. But she didn't want to get in the adult pool because she didn't want to get her hair wet. Right? So okay, fine, no big deal. I'm laying out. Laying out, okay. Then she gets up and goes back to her lounge chair. No big deal. And then soon after, a family comes in and there's a little girl that starts heading to the kiddie pool. And I heard her say, oh no, oh no, oh no. And I was like, well, what's wrong? And she confessed to me that she was peeing in the kiddie pool and that's why she went in there instead of going to the bathroom. The public bathroom was literally near us. I mean, there was, there was a, there was a women's and men's bathroom.

[Jeff]

How old is this woman?

[Melissa]

She had to be in her 30s.

[Jeff]

You're kidding.

[Melissa]

And peed in the kiddie pool when nobody else was there because for some reason she couldn't walk 15ft to the public bathroom.

[Bert]

It's less offensive to me than peeing in the adult pool because at least you could look at the kiddie pool and go, those kids have been peeing in it the entire day.

[Jeff]

But if there's a bath available, why not?

[Bert]

I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying if you're gonna pee in the adult pool where I'm hanging out, or you're gonna poo, or you're gonna pee, I should say, in the pool where the kids are. I understand why you go over there.

[Jeff]

That's disgusting. And then I say, I hope you

[Melissa]

feel bad when the little kids, they're waiting in the kitty pool.

[Tracy]

There's more water in the adult pool.

[Melissa]

If you're going to do it, at

[Jeff]

least be where it could be dispersed

[Melissa]

a little bit more and there's going to be more coming from, in a 30 something year old woman than from a 5 year old girl.

[Jeff]

It's nasty.

[Bert]

You're guilty.

[Tracy]

I'm guilty. I was a swimmer for 12 years.

[Melissa]

Competitively, not in the kiddie pool, but

[Tracy]

my coach would not let me get

[Jeff]

out of the bathroom.

[Melissa]

He said that's what the chlorine is for. Stay in the pool.

[Jeff]

Oh, see, I got used to it. I have a choice.

[Tracy]

I'm still guilty because I got so used to it.

[Greg]

But it's okay. I think we can all, as adults, we have all peed in large bodies of water.

[Jeff]

The ocean, not the pool.

[Melissa]

I don't make a habit of it.

[Greg]

So you're telling me that neither you or you, Melissa, and Jen, as an adult, neither of you have ever peed in a swimming pool?

[Melissa]

No, I don't think so. No.

[Jeff]

In the ocean, for sure.

[Melissa]

In the ocean, in the lake. But not in a swimming pool.

[Greg]

Bert, please.

[Bert]

Yeah, I have to. All right, thanks.

[Greg]

Because I think it's an acceptable practice in a large pool. Just.

[Melissa]

I'm never swimming with either one of you ever.

[Greg]

Don't ever advertise. My fault my. With her is. I mean, the kiddie pool is kind of gross, like getting the big pool.

[Bert]

Well, you would never go in that thing anyway.

[Greg]

That's the bathroom.

[Melissa]

15ft.

[Greg]

But never announce it. Why Would never tell anyone I'm peeing right now? Shut up. I don't want to know that.

[Melissa]

Well, I think it was. I don't think she. I don't think she meant to verbalize. Oh, no. When the kid came to, the family came and the kids started, you know, put the little floaties on and started walking toward the pool, and I think it was just an inadvertent. Oh, no. And so it's like, what are you talking about? And then she had to confess.

[Bert]

I'm always a little bit nervous, even though we have never been able to receive a call from somebody saying that this is true. But as an adult, I'm always a little nervous that if I do pee in the pool, that that red dye or the purple dye is gonna show up around me.

[Jeff]

That was the real thing I heard when I was younger, too. And that's what's always.

[Bert]

It's a movie. I mean, I think we've seen it in movies, but it's never happened.

[Tracy]

I was a lifeguard for six years,

[Melissa]

and we never, ever put anything in the pool that did that.

[Jeff]

See, I think it's rumorless, but it was enough to scare me out of never doing it.

[Greg]

They did it on Mythbusters, I think.

[Jeff]

Oh, really?

[Greg]

I think it's. I think it does exist, but it's not true. Like, there is something that you can

[Bert]

do, but no one ever does it.

[Greg]

Does it? Because it also would react to, like, Sweat and other stuff or something like that.

[Bert]

Okay. Now, the way it was explained to me is that the acid in your urine would be the thing that would activate this dye around you, which was enough for me to hold out for a long time. And then it was like just a little trickle just to make sure there was no.

[Greg]

Nothing happens.

[Bert]

And then nothing happens. And then you just let that thing go.

[Melissa]

Oh, my God.

[Bert]

I don't believe either one.

[Greg]

I do not believe

[Jeff]

I will get

[Melissa]

out of a pool and go to the bathroom. Yeah.

[Jeff]

Even in my pool and my apartment complex. I'll go back to my apartment.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Greg]

What about a lake?

[Melissa]

Yeah, I just said an ocean lake. I've done it. But not.

[Bert]

But a confined pool area?

[Greg]

Not a chance.

[Melissa]

Oh, because it's a smaller body of water. That's what the chlorine is for. And then it kills everything.

[Bert]

Cleans you up. Yeah.

[Melissa]

Well, that doesn't give you permission just because it's there for you to do anything you. Oh, God.

[Jeff]

Have you ever swam through someone else's pee when they peed in the pool because it feels a little warmer than

[Bert]

the rest of the water?

[Jeff]

Yes, I have done that.

[Melissa]

Well, that little girl did. That little girl was like, oh, Mommy, this is warm in here. We all pointed at my friends for fault.

[Greg]

Before you guys all get critical or whatever. If it's. If it's any smaller than Olympic size, I will nat number two in it.

[Bert]

That's fiddling.

[Jeff]

That's good.

[Female Caller]

Thanks.

[Bert]

Good morning, Erin. You are on Q100. Hi.

[Female Caller]

Yeah, I would love to know if anybody else has actually seen it, because our friends of ours, our family member of ours, has a pool and has the chemical and has the bottle there, so we know that it's there. So nobody has done it. I don't know if telling us that so that nobody does doesn't exist. It has. There is a chemical that will react to it that you will know. And she said it's a fog of purplish red.

[Greg]

Oh, this is a great idea.

[Bert]

Totally. So she has shown you the bottle before you and the kids get in the pool. She says, look, this is the chemical that's in there, and if you pee, then it's gonna become purple.

[Female Caller]

So now we've never seen it, so we don't know. But even her kids, even her little kids will. One day, the kid ran out of the pool and ran over to the grass, and we could totally see her going. And she said, I can't go in there and I can't make it to the house.

[Jeff]

That's so funny.

[Female Caller]

She has even stopped her children from doing it.

[Bert]

It's a brilliant idea.

[Melissa]

You realize it's a bottle of peroxide she's showing us.

[Bert]

And parents should know better. Like parents know that you never sit in one of those little inflatable pools with your kids. Never, never, never. And it's the same rule for any kind of kiddie pool. If it's confined water, you don't get in there. Never.

[Greg]

Hey, would I be ruining it for a lot of people who don't like to swim in urine if I said I just looked this up on Snopes?

[Bert]

And what about the dye?

[Melissa]

No, sir. Or about just paying in general, the dye.

[Bert]

I want to know, how much time have we spent on what's going on with the elections in Iran? 13 seconds. How long have we spent on talking about peeing in a pool? Nine minutes. That's what you get with the Birch show right here, people.

[Jeff]

I keep trying to pronounce that guy's name. Ahmadinejad. Right. Did I get it right?

[Bert]

That is the name of the chemical that you put in the pool.

[Jeff]

Ahmadinejad. Ahmadinejad. I've been practicing that out loud in my car because it drives me nuts when I read it and I can't immediately see.

[Bert]

I think that's what you should say. Like, when there are people around your pool, go, look, I've got this bottle of Amadema Shad right here. And if you guys pee in my pool, then it's going to turn all sorts of Ahmadashad colors.

[Jeff]

Bert, you just sujithed it. No, Ahmadinejad.

[Bert]

I'm a Denajad.

[Jeff]

Nope.

[Melissa]

Nope.

[Greg]

Suchitha.

[Bert]

Suchitha.

[Greg]

No, I'm a Denajad.

[Bert]

Hey, Troy. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Jack]

Hey, guys.

[Female Caller]

Love y' all show.

[Jack]

I just gonna tell you that everybody's talking about how peeing in a pool is gross.

[Female Caller]

It really doesn't matter because all urine is sterile anyway.

[Bert]

That doesn't matter, man.

[Melissa]

I understand.

[Greg]

Yeah, but it's still urine.

[Melissa]

I would like permission before I have to do anything with anybody else's bodily fluids.

[Jeff]

Yeah, and I put a lot of products in my hair. I spend a lot of money on my hair. I spent a lot of money on shampoos and conditioners. I don't want you pee in my hair in the swimming pool.

[Bert]

It won't make any common sense. Even if it's sterile, I still don't want to swim through a sea of your urine.

[Melissa]

Get out of the damn pool and go to the bathroom.

[Bert]

Sometimes it's far.

[Melissa]

And sometimes.

[Bert]

Sometimes you're drinking.

[Melissa]

And while you're going to the pool, I mean, the bathroom, be sure and drag your knuckles on the ground. What is wrong with you that you pee in the pool as a grown man? Jeff, I got no problem.

[Jeff]

Grown ass man.

[Bert]

From time to time, drinking in the pool or whatever, you got a cocktail in you. It's forever to get to the bathroom.

[Melissa]

You do what you gotta do because that's another thing. It's going up your nose and your

[Jeff]

mouth and your mouth and your eyes.

[Greg]

I'm gonna go with, like, those pools, like at the Hard Rock in Vegas. That's probably 30%.

[Melissa]

Oh, damn.

[Bert]

Look, pee is the last thing you need to be concerned about in a pool in Vegas.

[Jeff]

Oh, that's true.

[Greg]

You could end up pregnant.

[Bert]

So what'd you find?

[Greg]

It doesn't exist.

[Bert]

The dye does not exist.

[Greg]

Does not exist.

[Bert]

That is important information this morning.

[Jeff]

Yes, but you can Snopes. Snopes. Remember we talked about that? Like, the creators of Snopes aren't always right.

[Melissa]

Don't you trust anyone?

[Bert]

Look at how jaded you've become working on this show. If there's one thing you can trust in this world, it's Snopes.

[Greg]

Yeah, they said the problem is a dye could be produced, but you have the same organic compounds in sweat and maybe even tears or spit or any, you know, thing that comes off the body.

[Jeff]

No?

[Bert]

So POA people. You can't get caught. Poa. This weekend, the Birch Show. Delete Me makes it easy, quick and safe to remove your personal data online. At a time when surveillance and data breaches are common enough to make everybody vulnerable, it is easier than ever to find personal information about people online. Having your address, your phone number, family members, names just hanging out there online, it's all pretty scary stuff, right? With Delete Me, you can protect your personal privacy or the privacy of your business from doxing attacks before sensitive information can be exploited. Look, I'm online all the time, and it freaks me out that my info is out there. Take control of your data. Keep your private life private by signing up for Delete me now at a special discount just for you guys get 20% off your delete Me plan when you go to join delete me.com Bert. Use the promo code Bert at checkout. That's JoinDeleteMe.com Bert. Enter the code Bert B. RT at checkout.

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[Bert]

Spin Quest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. Alright, let's get to Jack here. He wants to be on the voice

[Jeff]

disguiser and Jack is obviously not his name.

[Bert]

No. Okay, why? There are no guys names?

[Jeff]

No, because he wouldn't be coming on here to ask about this. If he does plan to get married in two weeks and use his real name.

[Bert]

Well, things might have changed a little bit over the last 24 hours because he just got some pictures back from her bachelorette party. He is not happy. Hey Jack.

[Jack]

Hey, how's it going?

[Bert]

Okay, you're on the voice disguiser.

[Jack]

Outstanding.

[Bert]

Okay, so where do we start? Where was this weekend?

[Jack]

I'd actually rather not say because it's not really in a town or a place that's known for bachelorette parties.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Jack]

And to do so would really sort of reveal a lot about what Went on. Okay, from what I can tell.

[Bert]

Why don't you give us the details that you can then?

[Jack]

Yeah. So the fiance went off to her bachelor party this week, and my assignment was to gather other photos of us to hand out at the reception. We're doing this thing over the hearth of the place. We have picked out, you know, pictures of us going back to when we first met. And, you know, all well and good. Problem was, you know, I was going through an online photo sharing website, basically looking for pictures, and I come across this album labeled at my fiance's bachelorette party. And there's totally a picture of her with a male entertainer who's totally nude. She's got her hand right on this junk.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

Eek.

[Jack]

Yeah. It doesn't look like anything sexual is happening. Obviously the guy was a professional, but I just don't know what to do or what to feel about it because I don't know if this is normal or not. Is this like what women do on these weekends, on these parties? So she was touching it hand fully, flesh to flesh.

[Jeff]

Bert, I want to ask more questions about the picture.

[Bert]

Me too. I think we need more details.

[Jeff]

Like, was it like her hand or was it like other things?

[Jack]

I mean, it was her hand and it looked like she was laughing. You know, that's not fair to the guy. Other girls and other pictures in the same album doing the same thing.

[Melissa]

So all the girls were doing it?

[Jack]

Yeah, all the girls were doing it.

[Greg]

Everyone's doing it.

[Bert]

Okay, so he's naked and she's got. She's got her hand on his.

[Jeff]

I thought there was no touching at those places. I know. And why would you want to?

[Bert]

We've done this dozens of times before. Where we ask, are bachelorette parties more wild than bachelor parties or bachelor parties more wild than bachelorette parties? And we always get calls from people saying it's not even close. Bachelorette parties are way more crazy.

[Jeff]

No, it depends on the group.

[Bert]

It does depend on general rule. I think bachelorette parties are crazier.

[Jeff]

I don't know about that.

[Bert]

Parties. You guys just keep secrets better than we do.

[Greg]

As far as that, I would totally agree.

[Melissa]

And guys, keep in mind, we're out in bars and out in public and being silly.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

And what guys do is behind closed door.

[Greg]

That's not true.

[Bert]

I don't think that's true.

[Greg]

Keep in mind, guys. Guys exaggerate. When you hear a story about a woman's bachelorette party, it's downplayed. When you hear a story about a guy's bachelor Party. It's played up.

[Jeff]

Yeah, but the ones that you've told us in the past about food and things like that women don't do that.

[Greg]

Well, this woman does. His fiance that he loves very much.

[Melissa]

Well, it sounded like. I mean, it's, it's. Everybody was. Everybody in the group was. Yeah. Touching. I've never been a part of a bachelorette party where touching was allowed, but they touched and everybody's laughing while they're doing it and taking pictures. So nothing sexual was going on between them, but.

[Bert]

Well, let's review. Okay, so let's say she's looking through and she's finding pictures. And at his bachelor party, he's got his hands or a hand on some strippers. How are you gonna. I mean, how is she gonna handle that?

[Melissa]

I mean, if the picture where he's laughing while he's doing it and then all the other guys are doing. I mean, I see why you're upset. Is it worth calling off the wedding for?

[Bert]

Is that what you're thinking?

[Jack]

No, I mean, it's not anything like that. It's more like when she come home tonight and, you know, we talk about the pictures that I'm looking for. You know, do I even bring it up?

[Jeff]

Yeah, I think you bring it up.

[Melissa]

I definitely think you bring it up

[Jack]

because I'm just so conflicted about this.

[Bert]

Yeah, it's not like you. There's anything for you to hide here. You didn't break into a Facebook. You didn't break into anything there.

[Jack]

The pictures are, you know, at her request, I was going around to her friends, you know, shared photo albums just to get good pictures of us.

[Greg]

Why don't you just print out that picture and put it up at your reception?

[Jack]

Because I went back this morning just to double check and see how I felt about it, but now it's password protected.

[Greg]

Awesome. Somebody remembered.

[Bert]

So were there somebody?

[Melissa]

Yeah. Got stuck.

[Greg]

Cause here's what happened. You said that you were going to her friends accounts to look these up.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Greg]

So here's what happened. She was sitting around last night, you know, hanging out by the pool or beach or wherever they were. And she goes, yeah, blah, blah, blah. And you know what? I got them working this weekend. And he's going through all yalls photo albums to find cute pictures to put us. Isn't he a great guy? And somebody went, he's going through where? What?

[Melissa]

More than likely it was somebody said, oh, I just posted those pictures. And somebody said, you did what? Right, that's probably how the conversation went.

[Bert]

Hey, Alicia, Good Morning. You're part of the Burt Show.

[Jennifer]

Hey.

[Lizzie]

Hey.

[Female Caller]

I wanted to tell this guy he has nothing to worry about because we had a stripper come to my house for my bachelorette party. And he put our hands on him. Like, I know they say no touching, but he had every single girl touching him. So maybe she didn't want to, but he forced her to. And of course she's laughing because it's

[Bert]

fun, but does she look like in the picture that she's trying to pull away or is she pretty lucid?

[Jack]

I mean, pretty lucid, but, you know, you can only tell so much from. From a photo like that.

[Female Caller]

I say, no problem.

[Greg]

Was he pretty lucid?

[Jeff]

My question is, what are you most upset about? That this incident happened or that she didn't tell you about it? Or that she's now password protected it? Like, which part of it is the most upsetting to you?

[Jack]

Well, you know, to be honest, you know, I haven't really had a chance to talk about her weekend. She's been. Since she's been so busy, you know, I haven't even really had a chance to, you know, kind of hear how things went.

[Jeff]

So when she comes home and you say, how did it go? If she tells you and if she's honest about it and says I was in this really awkward position, blah, blah,

[Greg]

blah, that's gonna be a hard conversation.

[Jeff]

You know, we were drinking a lot.

[Jack]

That'll be fine. Because, you know, I know, I know. These performers don't. They don't do anything, you know, it's not. I don't know what the regulations are on what he can and cannot do, but.

[Jeff]

So you'll be fine if she confesses to you. But if she doesn't confess, are you gonna be mad?

[Jack]

See, I probably will be.

[Greg]

Well, stay calm. Don't let it get.

[Jack]

Our pictures are. Perhaps we're projecting. She knows what my Simon was this weekend.

[Greg]

Don't let her get a rise out of you. Just stay calm.

[Melissa]

Are you writing this down over there?

[Bert]

Hey, Samantha.

[Greg]

Hey, leave me alone. I'm having a ball.

[Bert]

Be sure I'm tipping.

[Melissa]

Tip your waiters Serious. I will say, though, the fact that she's laughing in the picture lends to it being more of this group screaming, ha, ha. You know, like more innocent than if she was not laughing in the picture.

[Bert]

Good morning, Ty. You are part of the Birch Show. Hi.

[Female Caller]

I don't think that he should be mad at her because the bachelorette party. And if she. Why would she come home and tell him, like, what she did? I Mean, if he said something to her, from what he saw, I understand that. But he shouldn't be mad because she doesn't come home in detail what happened

[Greg]

at her bachelor party.

[Bert]

So let me ask you this then, Ty. So if she walks in the door and he says, so tell me about the bachelorette party and she doesn't volunteer this information, are you saying that he has caused to be concerned there or it's not a big deal?

[Female Caller]

No, I'm saying he shouldn't be upset because it's her bachelorette party and you wouldn't normally give details like it should be an understanding, like it's. That's fun. She would probably maybe say, yeah, we had a strip or whatever. But she's not going to give details of what happened. And if she doesn't, that doesn't mean that she's being shady. If he says, this is what I found out and she lies, that's one thing.

[Jeff]

So, Jack, two questions for you. Did you oppose this bachelorette party before it happened? And the second one is, are you having a bachelor party?

[Jack]

To your first question. Yes. We went on a golf weekend. Just my buddies and I weren't any strippers. 2. I knew she was going on the special party. I have absolutely no, no problem with it whatsoever.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Jack]

Nor do I. I really don't have a problem with. With there being a male stripper. I couldn't care. I just, you know, I. I certainly didn't expect to see her hand on his. On his package. And that's a little disturbing.

[Lizzie]

Yeah.

[Jack]

And then to find the account, I just want to. I just want to make sure I'm not overreacting, that I'm not underreacting. You know, just what I see here tonight. Because, you know, I love this girl with all my heart and I can't wait to get married to her.

[Melissa]

Just get some antibacterial soap. Make sure she washes your hands.

[Greg]

Did anyone. When you were. When you were golfing, did you let anyone else hold your balls?

[Jack]

Yeah. Yeah, come on. I mean, serious, wash those balls.

[Bert]

Come on, you're better than that. I think it's awesome.

[Melissa]

You need to eat solid food.

[Greg]

Yeah, you know what? Have a grilled cheese and then tell me if I'm funny.

[Bert]

Good morning, Jennifer. You're on Q100.

[Melissa]

Hi.

[Jennifer]

I think this is kind of a violation.

[Female Caller]

I'm married. I've been married for three years. I could never go to a bachelorette party and touch another guy like that. She's still with him at some point. That's got to be considered a form of cheating.

[Bert]

Don't y' all think that's over the line? I mean, she had her hand on his back. It's flesh on flesh.

[Jeff]

It's definitely over the line. But sometimes the bachelor and bachelorette parties do that. I mean, I don't think you should call off the wedding because of it.

[Greg]

I don't even think he's talking about that.

[Melissa]

He's not. He wants to know how to handle it when she gets home. And I think that there's no problem with you saying anything.

[Jeff]

Tell her.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Because you're bothered by it. So talk about it, you know, and see exactly what happens.

[Bert]

Is this a character type thing? Like, if she doesn't tell you that what happened? Will you sort of say, are you saying to yourself, I didn't realize that I was marrying a woman that was capable of doing that?

[Jack]

Yeah. I don't know. We've always been honest to you, so it's so central to our relationship that she'll probably just come out and say, oh, yeah, you know, we got to strip her. And it was no big deal.

[Melissa]

How long have y' all been together?

[Jack]

A little over a year before we got engaged.

[Bert]

Okay, so what's the game plan tonight? You're just going to let her come in the door, you'll ask her, and then you'll see what kind of information she gives you?

[Jack]

I mean, I think so. I think I'm just gonna let her see where it goes, and then I might just say, oh, did you guys get a stripper? It wasn't fun, ha ha, kind of thing. Because it seems to be the consensus from everyone out there.

[Bert]

Okay. I think that there are gonna be some. If we check back with you tomorrow and she doesn't volunteer the information, are still gonna say it's not a big violation, but there are others like that last caller, I think are gonna say it's a huge violation.

[Melissa]

It's bothersome for sure, but I don't know if it's big enough to not get married.

[Bert]

I think it's just one of those. For me, it's like it's don't ask, don't tell.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Bert]

I just want to believe the innocent. I don't want to believe what happened.

[Female Caller]

That's right.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Sometimes you don't want to know.

[Bert]

You don't want to have something. All right, Jake, let's check back with you tomorrow and find out exactly how it all worked out. Okay?

[Jack]

Okay.

[Melissa]

And you are going to scrub those hands like a doctor does before surgery.

[Greg]

You know, What? I I'm guessing that dudes dude is more impressive than stripper because he's so cool about it.

[Bert]

You mean?

[Greg]

Yeah, yeah, more size Jackson's Johnson's better than kippers.

[Bert]

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. I think I get it. The Bird Show Delete Me makes it easy, quick and safe to remove your personal data online. At a time when surveillance and data breaches are common enough to make everybody vulnerable, it is easier than ever to find personal information about people online. Having your address, your phone number, family members, names just hanging out there online, it's all pretty scary stuff, right? With Delete Me, you can protect your personal privacy or the privacy of your business from doxing attacks before sensitive information can be exploited. Look, I'm online all the time and it freaks me out that my info is out there. Take control of your data. Keep your private life private by signing up for Delete Me now at a special discount just for you guys. Get 20% off your delete me plan when you go to JoinDeleteMe.com Bert use the promo code Burt at checkout. That's JoinDeleteMe.com Bert enter the code Bert B E R T at checkout.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

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[Bert]

play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. Hi, producer Tracy here. We've done this before, and we have got to do this a lot over the next week because, frankly, this is not gonna go all week.

[Tracy]

I hope not.

[Greg]

Why do you guys say that? She's not due until June. It's three weeks.

[Tracy]

I hope I'm not going 40 weeks. I actually woke up cranky this morning because for whatever reason in my head, this has to happen on a weekend. So the fact that it didn't happen this weekend made me think, well, I have to wait till next weekend. And if it doesn't happen next week, I have to wait till the following one.

[Jeff]

You're in such work mode.

[Tracy]

I know.

[Bert]

I love her.

[Greg]

Why does it have to happen on a weekend?

[Tracy]

Because there's just a weird way my head was thinking about it, and it just dawned on me as I was walking down the hall. You know, you could go into labor at any point.

[Greg]

You know, actually, you don't want to deliver a baby on the weekend.

[Jeff]

Why?

[Greg]

Because the hospital, that's when accidents and stuff happen. So if you More accidents and injuries and stuff like that. So if you have to go to the hospital for anything elective, you want to do it like on Tuesday or Wednesday, because those are the days, the least accident y days. And that's when it's the safest to go to the hospital.

[Tracy]

I just told you that. I know. I just realized that I can't plan this, and now you're telling me.

[Greg]

But, I mean, any day's good. Yeah, any day it's good.

[Bert]

It's on your schedule. Trace. Here's what we need to do for Trace. If you're a parent right now. If you're a parent right now. 404-741-Q100. Because we need to get her some practical parenting advice. So here's how we like to handle this. If you've had a situation with an infant or a toddler and you've worked through the problem, you know the answer. You know how your whole family went through it and it worked out Great, then give us a call right now. 404-741. Q100. You tell us exactly what was going on in the house and the problem that you had. Don't tell us immediately how you fixed it. Tracy here is gonna tell you how she would handle it. Cause a couple of weeks ago, she realized she's got. She's never had to do any of this. Nothing.

[Tracy]

None. I always get to give the child back to their parents so they can discipline them. And I just realized I have to do it myself now.

[Bert]

And it is totally different when you're in the heat of the moment and it's your child. It is completely different than when it's with somebody else's. But I think this happens to every soon to be parent where you realize, holy crap, I've never done this before. And every situation that arises is a unique and new situation.

[Jeff]

Yeah. I don't envy you at all. And I think that it's also because you're so unconditionally in love with your own child that it clouds your decision

[Greg]

making by chance when it can do no wrong.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

When it wouldn't if it were from the outside looking in. You know what I mean?

[Tracy]

And I'm also afraid that if I do handle it the wrong way, I'm gonna scar them for some reason. Something so minor. And I've just ruined their life for the next 50 years.

[Bert]

Right. The goal really is to get them out of the house and get them to 18 or 19 before they need therapy.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Tracy]

See? And I don't want her to need therapy.

[Bert]

It's gonna happen.

[Jeff]

Everybody's got issues.

[Melissa]

Every. Every human being will have issues. So, you know, you'll scar her somehow.

[Greg]

Perfect. Ella.

[Melissa]

I know Ella will not have issues.

[Bert]

Here's Jennifer with a very common one. Good morning, Jennifer.

[Female Caller]

Good morning, you guys.

[Bert]

Good morning. Can you help Tracy out here?

[Female Caller]

I can help Tracy. Tracy, I'm so. I know you're ready to go, so get. Get on to the hospital. But let me tell you real quick about a pacifier incident. I don't know if you're gonna use pacifiers or not, but.

[Bert]

Okay, now wait a second. Now don't tell us. Just tell us the problem and Tracy's gonna try to tell you the best way to fix it.

[Female Caller]

Okay, I'll tell you the problem. My daughter was given a pacifier by a nurse in the hospital when she was first born. Again, they didn't ask me. So the pacifier became glued to my daughter until she was three years old. And we could not get it away from Her. We tried everything we could to get it away from her. She, you know, potty trained well on. In one day the bottle was gone. In one day the pacifier stayed with her. So she was three.

[Bert]

Okay, hold on. So pretty common. How do you break your child of the pacifier?

[Tracy]

I know this is pretty common because my niece refuses to give up her pacifier.

[Greg]

She's 14.

[Tracy]

No, she's also three. So I would like to say that I'm going to avoid giving my child a pacifier. But then again, I also read that pacifiers reduce the risk of sids. So again, make the wrong decision and you're really in trouble. But my sister in law actually did this whole thing where right around the time that her son turned, I think year two, it was Christmas time and he actually mailed his pacifier to Santa Claus with his Christmas list. So in exchange for his pacifier, he was gonna get new toys at Christmas. So that might work.

[Bert]

That is good. That's really good.

[Greg]

You do the same thing.

[Lizzie]

I wish I thought of that.

[Greg]

If it's not Christmas time, you could just trade it for some crack rocks or something like that.

[Tracy]

With my niece, we're trying to get her to pack. She's packing up like all of her stuff that she doesn't use anymore, like her pull ups and things like that. So she's creating a little box to give to her new cousin Ella. So we're hoping that she'll include the pacifier, but fingers are still crossed on that one.

[Bert]

Great ideas.

[Female Caller]

That is so neat.

[Tracy]

But other than those two things, I don't know. I have no idea how you get a child to give up a pacifier.

[Bert]

How'd you do it, Jennifer?

[Jennifer]

I had my daughter.

[Female Caller]

When we were riding, I sat in the back seat with her and I had her take her pacifier and told her, went, cracked the window and said, we're gonna let your pacifier dry out. It's sticky, it's slabbery. And she held it up to the window and I held it with her and I accidentally dropped it out the window.

[Bert]

Accidentally.

[Greg]

What the hell is wrong with you?

[Female Caller]

And she, and I said, oh my gosh. Your pacifier went bye bye. And she cried. Of course she doesn't know that. I could go and get another one.

[Greg]

My God, I hope you never have a kitten that you need to get rid of.

[Female Caller]

I wouldn't throw a kitten out a window.

[Bert]

Don't be ridiculous.

[Melissa]

Don't be so stupid, Jeff. So did she. I mean like she cried and everything when she get over it and she

[Female Caller]

cried, but she understood. Like, she would say, passing on. Passing on, you know, out the window, you know, she had a logical explanation

[Greg]

why she didn't have her pacifier because Mommy's a psychopath.

[Female Caller]

Oh, my God, you are so rude.

[Melissa]

Yeah, don't be rude, Jeff.

[Bert]

I have never heard of that way.

[Tracy]

Somebody else I know actually, like, planted the pacifier and then, like, daughter walked away for like an hour or so and put, like, a potted plant in its place. So, like, the pacifier grew into a flower and then the baby would just, like. I know, it's crazy. But then the baby would then watch the flower grow. And did pacifier grow.

[Greg]

I like that idea. That too.

[Jeff]

Stuff like that. I like that. Better than littering, right?

[Greg]

That one's much better than throwing. Throwing at it.

[Melissa]

I'm just kidding.

[Bert]

I don't understand what she's saying. She's saying that it accidentally happened and the baby understood. The fact that it was an accident's gone. So there's some loss there, but at least she's over it. Not the way I'd handle it.

[Lizzie]

But

[Greg]

we'll never have any trust issues with Mommy. Let me hold your pacifier.

[Lizzie]

No.

[Greg]

Clumsy. Throw crap out the window, Butterfinger.

[Bert]

Mom 40474.

[Jennifer]

Hey, Dina.

[Bert]

Good morning.

[Female Caller]

Hey, how are you guys?

[Bert]

Good. How are you doing?

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[Female Caller]

I have three little girls, and this is situation happened with my oldest daughter. So I kind of learned. Never judge anybody for what you see. But she about got lost in the mall. She was probably lost for two minutes, which felt like about 20. And I did something just that I never thought I'd ever do just to keep track of my daughter.

[Bert]

So how do you keep track of your daughter before she is lost is the question.

[Female Caller]

Like, one and a half, two years old. She was a toddler, I guess.

[Tracy]

I mean, I've always been told that you never take your eye off them, not even for a second, because they can run off the other way, but not possible.

[Female Caller]

No, not possible. And we have. I'm married with, you know, my husband, and we're definitely. I'm a little more freaked out than most parents about something happening to them or someone taking them. So I'm a little more watchful, probably, than the average mom. And it still happened to me, so I had to ensure it never happened again.

[Tracy]

I mean, other than keeping them in a shopping cart or holding their hand or carrying them the entire time or keeping them in a stroller, what do you do?

[Bert]

There's that leash thing they see.

[Female Caller]

Yeah, that's what we do the leash? Yes. And I thought, you know, I, before you become a mom, you see people with different things and you think, that is horrible. I would never do that. You think that. But then when something like that happens, you know, they come in all sorts of little, you know, teddy bears and all sorts of stuff. But we got our little leash, just not for all the time. But you can't. With a child in the mall, you can't keep them in the stroller all the time. They eventually will want out, and they do run around, and it can happen in a split second. So when she did get, we'd bring the leash to the mall, and then when she'd get whatever, you know, for, you know, 15 or 20 minutes, we'd put it on her.

[Tracy]

I can, I mean, I can't see doing that all the time, but I can see doing it. And, like, if you're in a really, really crowded place where it's hard to keep up with a grown adult, I could do it. I would do it.

[Bert]

I just have never been able to do that with our kids. And when I see those kids on a leash, it just looks so odd to me. It just.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

But like, if you're in, like, a

[Tracy]

really packed place where it's like, shoulder to shoulder. Yeah, I, I, I don't have any. Rather than losing them.

[Greg]

I know a lot of people have problems with that. But like Tracy said, if you take, if your kids at the Dogwood Festival and they want to get up out of their stroller for, you know, I mean, that's so wall to wall people time. Up to you. I mean, go out and buy a leash. Like, don't get, like, clothesline from the basement and fashion ones, which I've actually seen before.

[Bert]

No way. Really?

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Greg]

I saw somebody with. It was like a bungee cord that they made out of a harness, and they tied a little piece of rope to it. I was like, well, if you need to do it, you need to do it. I mean, it's only 10 bucks.

[Bert]

Hey, Marla. Good morning. You're on QR code.

[Jennifer]

Good morning.

[Bert]

Hi.

[Jennifer]

Good morning.

[Bert]

Hey, you'll be the last call here. What's up?

[Jennifer]

I wanted to give her advice for getting a toddler to stop using bad words.

[Bert]

Stop using. Give us a couple of examples of when your kid was using bad words and it embarrassed you.

[Jennifer]

Oh, my gosh. A friend of mine told me to let my kids see Happy Gilmore. I've got three boys, and they were probably at the time, they were eight, six and two and a half, maybe Three. And so there's a word in the movie which I probably can't say on the air, but it starts with a day. And they kept calling each other that. And it was so embarrassing. And we were going from. I lived in Texas at the time, and we were going from in the car on a long drive actually here to visit family. And they kept saying that word in the car. I'm like, guys, when you get around. My mother and my grandmother used to confuse those words.

[Greg]

Oh, no.

[Jennifer]

And I was so worried because it just came out so easily. And so now she has to tell me how she would fix that.

[Bert]

All right, so how would you. Go ahead. I mean, because this is gonna be a problem. Because you curse like a sailor.

[Melissa]

Right?

[Jennifer]

Right.

[Bert]

So how is it possible your little girl's not gonna going to pick up on your nasty words?

[Tracy]

Well, first of all, I heard you never, ever acknowledge it. Like, you don't laugh or you don't smile or giggle when they say, I

[Greg]

know a three and a half year old cousin is the funniest thing in the world.

[Tracy]

The first time you do it, they realize they're going to get attention for it. So they keep doing it and doing it and doing it. So you can acknowledge it, or at least not acknowledge it in a positive way the first time they say it. And then you have to tell them that we don't talk like that. That's not a very nice word. And then if they continue to do it, I guess you punish them. However it is that you punish them, whether it's timeout or in Melissa's case,

[Greg]

banking, drop them out the car window with the password.

[Jennifer]

I did it a totally different way. Can I tell you?

[Bert]

Yeah, of course.

[Jennifer]

We. I let my kids have bad word time in the car. It was just me and the boys. And I told them, okay, this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna get all the bad words

[Female Caller]

out of the system.

[Jennifer]

Out of your system. My oldest is now almost 13 and we still occasionally do it, but he's never said a bad word ever. He's the nicest kid you could ever meet in your life.

[Melissa]

So it's like I would so tape that conversation.

[Greg]

That was what I was thinking. Please record that.

[Bert]

So what is it? Is it like 30 seconds? Is it a minute? Is it two minutes? And they could say whatever they want.

[Jennifer]

They could say whatever they want, but I always said the F word's off limits. You have to have something that's off limits.

[Greg]

And do you.

[Female Caller]

They.

[Jennifer]

They went round and round and bad Words to kids might be totally different to bad words than us, but I mean, you'll get, you know, dirty pants and, you know, silly stuff, but at the same time, they're gonna say the bad words over and over and over. And then they'll ask for bad word time and then they'll ask for bad word time in front of their friends and you'll say, no, that's inappropriate. And they know exactly when they can use bad words. And you want your kids to me to be able to be everything at home with you. You want them. You want to see all their ugly. Do you know what I'm saying? It's kind of like.

[Jeff]

I think it's.

[Greg]

Do you participate

[Jennifer]

sometimes? Yeah. We're having a real bad day. I mean, I'm not perfect. I don't let them think that I'm perfect for a second. I'm a single mom with three boys. I don't know how to raise three boys. I'm learning every day.

[Greg]

Are you gonna do the same thing with sex?

[Bert]

Good that you didn't.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Trace is about to put Jeff in time out.

[Jennifer]

Conversations too, and it's like my face turns red and we just all laugh.

[Bert]

So for 30 or 60 seconds, whatever they want to say is totally on those. Throw it out there.

[Melissa]

That's funny.

[Bert]

Gosh, yes.

[Melissa]

But you've got to tape that. You've got to tape that.

[Greg]

I'm gonna guess that Tracy will not allow cussing around Ella at any time, even in three months.

[Jeff]

But I'm guessing Bert's going home to have a conversation with Stacy today about that work time.

[Bert]

We are green light. Needed it, man.

[Greg]

For her or for the kids?

[Jeff]

Yeah, all of the above.

[Bert]

The Birch show.

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[Tracy]

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[Bert]

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