Full Show PT 1: Thursday April 9 [Vault] - The Bert Show

Transcript

Bert (0:00)

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Bert (1:59)

Visit borheart.com the Birch Show Again, if you have kids listening, we're doing this stuff early because we figure most kids now are sleeping in and they're not listening early. So we can do more of the PG13 stuff early. And this is certainly one of them. We used to call these first sex Fridays. And the theory is that most women, when they're going out with a guy for any amount of time, it's not a spontaneous first time where they get ultimately intimate. There's planning that goes on in a woman's mind, and she's got it all played out in her head.

Melissa (2:30)

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Thursday April 9 [Vault]

Date: April 9, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show team

Overview

This episode of The Bert Show opens the vault with playful, authentic, and often irreverent morning banter from the cast and listeners. Key themes include adult confessions ("First Sex Fridays" and threesome planning), light-hearted debates about pool etiquette (and peeing in pools), real-life relationship quandaries (bachelorette party boundaries), and hands-on parenting advice for soon-to-be or new parents. The hosts maintain their trademark lively, candid tone throughout, encouraging listeners to engage in the conversation with humor and honesty.

Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Listener Drama: "First Sex Fridays" & Threesome Planning

(Begins at 01:59)

Lizzie's Call-in Story:
- Lizzie shares her reconnection and ongoing "friends with benefits" situation with her ex, whom she originally lost her virginity to five years prior.
- She's preparing for a planned threesome this weekend with her ex and another woman—initiated at Lizzie's request.
- Lizzie's candid about her bi-curiosity (“maybe this will make me bi, I don’t really know” – Lizzie, 06:09).
- The hosts dig into issues of jealousy and logistics, asserting that, in threesomes, the "priority girl" is crucial (“Always pay attention to your girlfriend or your wife. The priority girl in this whole thing.” – Bert, 12:02).
- Practical advice discussed: being comfortable, getting to pick the third party, and the difference between men's and women's motivations for threesomes.

Notable Quotes

“There’s very few truly spontaneous first times with a woman.” – Melissa, 02:33
“[If you suggested a hotter girl] I probably would have said no, because I’m comfortable with my ex.” – Lizzie, 06:46
“I’m going to get a little bit drunk and hope that helps me out so I don’t have to deal with the jealousy factor.” – Lizzie, 07:20

[Segment wraps around 14:06]

2. Pool Etiquette & Adult Confessions: Do Adults Pee in Pools?

(Begins at 16:44)

Melissa’s Pool Story:
- Melissa tells a story of a fellow adult peeing in a public kiddie pool, sparking debate about the acceptability of peeing in pools.
- The team confesses and jokes about their own pool habits, distinguishing between lakes/oceans (more acceptable) and chlorinated pools (divisive).
- Myths debunked: The infamous "urine-reactive dye" is confirmed to be urban legend (Thank you, Snopes!).

Humorous Highlights

“If it’s any smaller than Olympic size, I will not number two in it.” – Greg, 22:43
“The dye does not exist. That is important information this morning.” – Bert, 26:29

[Pool conversation tapers by 27:04]

3. Relationship Quandaries: Bachelorette Party Photo Drama

(Begins at 29:38)

Jack’s Dilemma:
- Listener "Jack" calls in after discovering pictures of his fiancée at her bachelorette party, where she and others are seen touching a nude male stripper.
- Emotional responses from all sides: Is this party hijinks, or a troubling boundary-cross?
- Hosts ask if Jack would be as upset by similar photos of himself at a bachelor party, and discuss gender biases in bachelor/bachelorette behaviors.
- Callers chime in with personal stories, perspectives on honesty, and advice on how Jack should address the issue.
- The team lands on: honest conversation is key, and context matters more than the act itself.

Key Quotes

“I mean, I certainly didn’t expect to see her hand on his package. And that’s a little disturbing.” – Jack, 38:20
“Just get some antibacterial soap. Make sure she washes her hands.” – Melissa, 38:45
“For me, it’s like it’s don’t ask, don’t tell. I just want to believe the innocent.” – Bert, 41:00

[Relationship segment ends around 41:11]

4. Parenting Talk with Producer Tracy: Real-World Advice for Expecting Parents

(Begins at 44:06)

Tracy’s Pregnancy Jitters:
- Tracy shares her pre-birth anxieties and the challenge of preparing for the unknowns of parenting.
- Listeners share real-life scenarios (pacifier dependency, losing toddlers in public, handling kids’ swearing) for Tracy to problem-solve on-air.
Pacifier Solutions:
- Creative ways to wean a child from a pacifier: trade it with Santa, mail it away, or “accidentally” let it fly out the car window (“Accidentally dropped it out the window.” – Jennifer, 49:39).
Child Leashes in Crowded Spaces:
- Open discussion on the practicality and judgment around putting kids on “leashes” at busy events.
Teaching Kids Not to Swear:
- Ideas include ignoring the word, reinforcing boundaries, or creating designated “bad word time” in the car to get it out of their system (“I let my kids have bad word time in the car.” – Jennifer, 55:30).

Notable, Relatable Moments

“The goal really is to get them out of the house and get them to 18 or 19 before they need therapy.” – Bert, 46:55
“I’m also afraid that if I do handle it the wrong way, I’m gonna scar them for some reason … I’ve just ruined their life for the next 50 years.” – Tracy, 46:47

[Parenting advice wraps towards end of the episode/segment at 57:38]

Memorable Moments & Running Gags

Bert's Anecdotes:
Often self-deprecating about masculinity, competitiveness, and the hazards of overindulgence (“Through a back door. Because you only had one time to ever do that in your life, and you totally choked.” – Bert, 10:29)
Jeff and Greg’s Banter:
Squabble light-heartedly about pool habits, relationships, and Bert’s made-up stories.

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Title/Topic | |------------|---------------------------------------------------| | 01:59 | First Sex Fridays/Threesome plan (Lizzie) | | 14:06 | Pool Etiquette: Adult confessions on peeing pools | | 29:38 | Bachelorette party photo dilemma (Jack) | | 44:06 | Parenting advice with Tracy |

Overall Tone

Candid, playful, sometimes cheeky
Supportive audience interaction
Mix of personal confessions, social commentary, and light advice

Takeaways

Listeners feel comfortable bringing taboo topics: The team provides a nonjudgmental, often hilarious ear.
Even awkward, adult confessions create community: Whether it’s sex, bachelorette parties, or parenting, the Bert Show leans into openness and authenticity.
The cast gives practical, real-life advice—relationship and parenting lessons delivered with a wink.

For those who didn’t listen:
This episode encapsulates what makes The Bert Show a morning radio staple—real, funny, sometimes edgy conversations that unite listeners through shared embarrassment, honest exploration, and just the right dose of irreverence.