Full Show PT 1: Thursday, August 6 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show — Full Show PT 1: Thursday, August 6 [Vault]

Original Air Date: August 6, 2026
Panel: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and cast

Overview

In this lively morning episode of The Bert Show, the team dives into a mix of hilarious listener debates, personal confessions, and entertaining group dynamics. From uproarious "drunk philosophy" theories about male hairiness and endowment, to stories about kids unwittingly “narc-ing” on parents, and an ongoing saga to find a fake date for a listener’s engagement party, the show balances witty banter with relatable real-life mishaps. The crew’s playful chemistry keeps the laughs constant while also touching on universally awkward situations.

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Episode Highlights & Key Discussion Points

1. Drunk Philosophy: Is Hairiness Linked to 'Endowment'?

[01:01–07:41]

• Melissa recounts her girlfriend Katie Jo's comically confident "drunk philosophy," which posits: "The hairier a man is (body and head), the more well-endowed he is."
  • Katie’s reasoning: Higher testosterone = more hair = more "outward growth" = more endowment.
  • Comparison made to pregnant women’s increased hair/nail growth (implying vitality).
  • Bert: “If I say no, then I’m arguing against my own cause. I’m a hairy guy.” [03:37]
• Listeners call in to debunk the theory:
  • Elizabeth: “My husband didn’t start growing hair... until he was 23, and he’s pretty well-endowed.” [04:24]
  • Kirsten: “The two hairiest guys I dated... were hung like hangnails. Nothing there.” [05:27]
  • Layla: “I disagree 100%. Hairy men have been really, really small.” [06:48]
• The team riffs on alternate old wives’ tales (related to height, hand size, humor, word count) and universally agrees: the theory doesn't hold water, but it's hilarious.

Notable Quotes:

• “She became much more firm on this the more she drank.” – [03:13], Cast
• “I almost sober would like to ask her more questions now… does head hair count?” – Bert, [06:02]
• “The funnier a guy is, the bigger he is... the wordier he is, the more things he says.” – [07:14], Cast

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2. Kids Accidentally 'Narcing' On Parents

[07:51–13:35]

• Sparked by a news story: A second-grader tells Michelle Obama, "My mommy doesn't have papers," during a class visit, sparking a discussion about kids innocently revealing embarrassing family secrets.
• Hosts share personal stories:
  • Bert: His son “narced” about his real age to a flight attendant, almost costing them a free seat. [09:01]
  • Amanda: Her son blabs about her nipple piercings to Grandma. [09:42]
  • Listener Kim: Son tells teacher, “My mom’s a drug addict,” based on health class (she smokes cigarettes). [10:43]
  • Another: Kids inform daycare about “dirty magazines and movies” under Mom’s bed. [11:11]
  • Jenny (teacher): Student says, "My mom got a new bowl… to smoke out of." [12:03]

Notable Quotes:

• “There are some things you don’t ever want to get chewed out from by your dad.” – Bert, [10:04]
• “I got the little, ‘Excuse me, can I talk to you for a minute?’” – Listener Shannon, [11:39]

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3. Engagement Party Date Search Saga

[14:42–26:26]

• Update on listener Alex's mission: Find a (fake) date to impress her ex at an upcoming engagement party.
  • Only two guys responded to her online profile: C.J. and Clinton.
  • The team debates: What makes the gig worthwhile for the guys? (Proposed incentives: dinner, drinks, tickets, “or something easy—pretty much the same thing.”) [17:05–17:11]
• On-air “speed date” chit-chat; participants and hosts playfully grill the candidates about tattoos, jobs, and the acting required to pull off being a believable boyfriend.
  • C.J.: Has memorial cross tattoos, lives close to Alex; describes her as “pretty sexy.” [18:33]
  • Clinton: Raised concerns about Alex's ex finding out about the ruse on the radio. [22:06]
  • Discussion of dating height requirements:
    • Alex: “My ex was 5’6”, I’m 5’10”, so I need somebody tall.” [21:22]
    • General agreement: Chemistry and “acting skills” more important than resume.
  • Back-up plan: The team claims to have an “ace in the hole” if neither contender works out.

Notable Quotes:

• “You are, you’re cute and all… but what’s in it for these dudes?” – Cast, [15:15]
• “He’s got the confidence to do it. This is right up his alley.” – [21:44], Cast
• “Her only focus is the look on her boyfriend’s face when she first walks in with this guy… I don’t think she put a lot of thought into a five-hour evening.” – Cast, [26:26]

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4. Braves Manager Bobby Cox & The Morph Suit Bet

[28:40–41:07]

• The Braves manager, Bobby Cox, finally gets thrown out of a game (notably, a won game), triggering the show’s standing bet: someone must don a full “Morph suit” (skin-tight, full-body costume) and stand on a busy Atlanta intersection.
• Drawing for the ‘Morph suit’ punishment:
  • Melissa Carter “wins” and must pay the bet—much ribbing from the crew as she puts on the blue Morph suit. [33:16–33:36]
  • Discussion of fit, comfort, and especially what the suit does (or doesn’t do) for one’s private parts (“…hugs every little testicle.” [32:09])
  • Reflections on Bobby Cox’s legacy as the “most ejected” manager and the absurdity of timing.
• Visual gags: Listeners encouraged to check out photos online; the crew jokes about organizing a group morph suit outing at a Braves game to make TV.

Notable Quotes:

• “Were you just sitting there when your wife Jessica walked in, clicking channels? ‘What the hell you got on?’” – Bert, [31:45]
• “I think Wendy used the word ‘clingy’… because it really hugs every little testicle.” – Cast, [32:09]
• “If I was gonna rig it, you’d be out there this morning.” – [34:25], Cast

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5. Smoking Struggles & Listener Support

[34:49–37:02]

• Listener asks for an update on Stacy (Bert's wife) quitting smoking.
  • Bert describes the roller-coaster of quitting: successes derailed by stress or "wild nights."
  • Jen Hobbies and other cast members chime in about how social situations trigger cravings.
  • “Stop asking me how I’m doing with not smoking” — the importance of not constantly feeding the temptation.

Notable Quotes:

• “I told Jen earlier this morning that she told me yesterday to stop asking how she’s doing with the not smoking.” – Bert, [36:50]

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Memorable Moments & Timestamps

• Hairy Men & Endowment Theory Debunked: [01:01–07:41]
• Kids accidentally blowing up their parents’ secrets: [07:51–13:35]
• On-Air Blind Date Auditions: [14:42–26:26]
• Morph suit punishment saga: [28:40–41:07]
• Smoking cessation confessions: [34:49–37:02]

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Notable Quotes (with Speaker & Timestamp)

• “She became much more firm on this the more she drank.” – Cast, [03:13]
• “My husband didn’t start growing hair… until he was 23, and he’s pretty well-endowed.” – Elizabeth (Listener), [04:24]
• “That means he’s big. He uses a lot of words… like, really keeps on going long after the window is closed.” – Cast riff, [07:30]
• “There are some things you don’t ever want to get chewed out from by your dad.” – Bert, [10:04]
• “You are, you’re cute and all… but what’s in it for these dudes?” – Cast, [15:15]
• “My ex was 5’6”, I’m 5’10”, so I need somebody tall.” – Alex, [21:22]
• “If I was gonna rig it, you’d be out there this morning.” – Bert, [34:25]
• “I told Jen earlier this morning that she told me yesterday to stop asking how she’s doing with the not smoking.” – Bert, [36:50]

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Overall Tone & Style

True to the Bert Show’s “authentic, real, and funny” ethos, this episode is a breezy, irreverent mix of listener anecdotes, quick-witted cast exchanges, and honest glimpses into family, friendship, and everyday embarrassment. The group’s playful teasing and chemistry keep the show relatable and upbeat, no matter the subject—be it wild party theories, public humiliation in Morph suits, or the struggles of quitting bad habits.

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For more laughs, drama, and candid confessionals, check out all segments of The Bert Show’s daily podcast.

Transcript

[A]

Hey everybody.

[B]

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[C]

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[D]

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[C]

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[C]

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[C]

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[E]

Hire the right pro today, the Birch Show.

[D]

So I am fascinated by drunk philosophy. Okay. And especially my girlfriend's drunk philosophy. Because I that's the example I have for you right now. And I want to know if translated into sober life and sober world, if it's actually true. And yes. Okay. So every now and again, you know, I let myself go and I let myself go Saturday night to Stacy's 40th birthday party.

[C]

Oh, she did. Melissa, Jeff. Jeff, Melissa.

[D]

Every so often, not often, but every so often I do. And that was why. So anyway, so Katie was with me that night and we were, we had dinner with Jen and her boyfriend beforehand and then at the party we hung out with Bert. And so, and it came up in

[C]

both conversations, I by the way, was very reserved. I decided to do just the opposite, right. Not drink that.

[D]

Well, by the way, Katie had a full on long conversation debate about this with Bert that he can't remember. So I'm also kind of refreshing his memory.

[C]

I remember like I remember the tone, but I do not remember the exact philosophy.

[F]

It's a really funny theory.

[D]

And the beauty of it is the fact that I don't know where it's come from and she doesn't know where it's come from. It's just something that she just decided that is something that at least when she's drunk, she believes. So it was the fact that the hairier a man, meaning on his head and on his body, the hairier a man, the more in doubt he is

[C]

based on what principle?

[A]

Like A hormonal thing.

[D]

I think if I could remember. Exactly, Jeff. If the body is processing that much hair and has that much testosterone and hormones to promote, to produce all that, then it's gotta produce it elsewhere.

[F]

She called it outward growth. Yes, she said, you know, to produce that much outward growth. And then she made the comparison to when women are pregnant, you know, oh,

[D]

I didn't hear this part.

[F]

Their hair grows more. Their nails grow more. You know, they're, like, full of, like, you know, vitality and all of this other stuff. So she. That was her. That was her theory.

[C]

So it is based on some intelligence and some science.

[D]

Well, everything. Yes. Everything she does is something that she has really thought through. I mean, because her brain is working all the time now.

[F]

She became much more firm on this the more she drank.

[D]

Absolutely. Because she is.

[A]

So this is a prolonged conversation.

[D]

Oh, this is not.

[F]

And then it was also again at the party.

[C]

It's almost like she was confirmation, right?

[D]

Yes.

[C]

So I got to ask the question. If you're a woman and you're listening and you've been with either dudes that are either hairy or don't have a lot of hair, does Katie Jo's theory hold true?

[D]

Right.

[C]

404-741-Q100. Now, I wasn't gonna argue either way because I'm a hairy guy. So if I say no, then I'm arguing against my own cause.

[F]

And then I think she was also spouting out for theory in front of a guy who was bald.

[D]

Yeah. And she felt. And that was the.

[C]

That's right. Now I remember. Chris was right behind us, and that

[D]

was the sober guilt she felt the next day. It was one of those things where you're at a party and the next day you're kind of trying to remember exactly what happened. And then in the middle of the afternoon, Sunday, she says, oh, my God, oh, my God. And had her hands over her face and says, did he walk away? Offended at me by what I said.

[C]

I forgot that he was part of that conversation. Hey, Elizabeth, Good morning. You're on the birth show. Hi.

[B]

Hey. Good morning. I definitely think that's just a theory. My husband didn't start growing hair, even on his face until he was, like, 23. And he's pretty well endowed.

[D]

All right.

[C]

Doesn't hold true there.

[F]

Thank you. I think there are other more contributing factors than hair.

[C]

What do you think is another contribution? Here comes another. Here we go.

[B]

Theories.

[F]

Yeah, well, I don't want to get fired.

[C]

Why you think like, oh, God, why

[D]

you gotta Say it now? Yeah, now.

[C]

You've got to. Like, you think height is directly related to penis size?

[F]

I didn't say it. You did.

[C]

That's not gonna bother me.

[A]

Wait, height.

[C]

Height is directly related to penis size? She says. No, it's not.

[F]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, no, there's been some tall guys that are. And my guess is there are some pretty short guys that are.

[A]

Woo woo.

[C]

I'm not saying there are any in this room. I'm saying I think it takes all. You know, it's all types of. Good morning, Kirsten. You're on The Birch Show. Q100.

[D]

Jeff is always quiet.

[B]

How are you guys doing? Good.

[A]

I'm an average height, average hairy guy.

[B]

And I don't know, I can argue to the contrary because the two hairiest guys in my years of dating like so much hair, it comes out the back of their shirt. On their back were hung like hangnails. I mean, nothing there.

[C]

That's too bad. That's awful.

[F]

I feel bad for her.

[D]

And again, now consider the source, because this is a woman that dates women. So that's why, you know, we're testing the theory now, because even when it's like, when she was saying it, I just kept my mouth shut. Like, I don't know where this is coming from, but okay, she's going with it and she's being assertive about it.

[C]

See, now you've got. I, almost sober, would like to ask her more questions now because does the hair on top of your head, does that fall under body hair also? Like arm hair and chest hair and leg hair?

[D]

I don't even think that.

[C]

To me, those two totally different things.

[D]

I don't even think she would know today. I don't. I think that was a purely Saturday night thing.

[A]

That means somebody she saw there struck her as peculiarly smooth or very hairy,

[D]

and she thought, well, there was a pool there. So maybe she thought, wait a second. And all my clothes.

[A]

Look at that fella right there. He is not hung.

[C]

Layla wants in on this. Layla. According to Melissa's girlfriend, hairier men are more well endowed.

[B]

No, I disagree 100% because I've been with some hairy men and they've been really, really small.

[D]

Okay, is there any correlation that you found in anything like. Jen was talking about height?

[B]

I don't think so, because I knew one guy, he was pretty short, but he was a big old guy.

[D]

You called him tripod.

[C]

Now, hand size is another one. I mean, does that translate? Also, there are all sorts of theories on that.

[F]

I don't know. I don't think so on that one.

[A]

Generally, I've heard that two things. The funnier a guy is, the bigger he is. And also the wordier he is, the more things he says and that, you know, if he draws stuff out and really stretches things.

[D]

Well, I got the wordier part.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

And you are in the wrong industry, my friend.

[A]

That means he's big. He uses a lot of words. Like really keeps on going long after the window is closed. Then he's got like, like, like the Eiffel freaking Tower in his pants.

[E]

It's happening.

[A]

Hola.

[C]

All right. Coming up here in a couple

[D]

tower dispenses

[C]

the bird show. Melissa's story in the news made me start to think. If your kids have accidentally narcked on you at one point in your life, give us a call. 404-741. Q100. This could be anything. This could be like they accidentally narked on something they found in your room. They accidentally told your mother, which would be their grandmother. It could be something to the police because based on this story in Maryland this morning, there's one mother that's getting a knock on the door, probably from immigration today.

[G]

Yeah.

[D]

Because first lady Michelle Obama was at a class of second graders at this Maryland school, it's in Silver Spring. And, and she had a question and answer session. And one of the kids said, you know what? My mommy says Barack Obama's taking everybody away that doesn't have papers. And the first lady said, look, we just want to make sure everybody living in the US has proper citizenship papers. And then that's when the little girl said, but my mommy doesn't have papers. And the first lady said, she didn't.

[G]

Yeah.

[D]

And the first lady said, well, we're going to take care of that.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

I'm guessing that teachers hear stuff all the time in their classrooms, that kids come to school and confess things to them that their parents would probably prefer for them to keep it private.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

You know.

[C]

404741. Q100 I think the only time that this has happened to us is I think it had everything to do with Hayden when we were younger on a flight, because if you're a certain age, you can be in mommy's lap.

[F]

It's like two and under, right. You fly for free.

[C]

And my boy Hayden is a little undersized like his mom and like his dad. So I think we were telling the flight attendant he was younger than he was and he narcked on us. He's like, no, I'm not. I'm four. I'm like, isn't he cute?

[H]

Four.

[C]

That's a joke of four years old. Please don't charge me $300.

[F]

Like, wow, your child is so well spoken at two years old.

[C]

Hey, Amanda, good morning. You're on Q100.

[B]

Good morning. I had my nipples pierced one time, and my son found out, and he so told my mom. Yeah, that was kind of embarrassing.

[C]

Yeah, that's a perfect one right there.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that was bad. I got yelled at. My dad yelled at me. It was awful.

[D]

Oh, I don't want dad yelling at me about my nipple ring.

[F]

No. You're kidding me. God.

[C]

Because I do think it's. It doesn't matter how old you are. There are some things you don't ever want to get chewed out from by your dad.

[D]

No. Yeah.

[C]

So we're in. We're talking about Maryland and this little girl up in Maryland that knocked on her mommy accidentally to Michelle Obama yesterday.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Question and answer session. And the child was basically saying about how Barack Obama was going to take anybody away. They didn't have papers. And first lady said, but, you know, we want to make sure everybody has their citizenship papers here in the United States. And then the second grader said, well, my mommy doesn't have papers, so goodbye, Mommy. Yeah, Mommy go.

[C]

Bye bye. Or adios in this case.

[D]

Yeah, adios, Mommy.

[C]

So how did your kids accidentally narc on you? Good morning, Kim. You're on the Burt Show.

[B]

Yes. My son told the teacher I was a drug addict because they teach them in school that cigarettes are a drug.

[C]

That's funny.

[A]

Did that get you to quit?

[C]

Did it get you to quit?

[B]

No.

[C]

Nope.

[F]

Nope.

[C]

Not at all. And it's thinking, good morning, Lisa. You are on Q100. Hello. Or not. Good morning, Shannon. You were on Q100.

[B]

Hey, I've got one for you.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

My kids went to the daycare and told the teacher that Mommy had a bunch of dirty magazines and a bunch of dirty movies.

[C]

And where did she find these?

[B]

Under Mommy's bed and in Mommy's cabinet.

[C]

That's gonna get your call. That's gonna get you a call. Now, did you get a call from the teacher that day or the next time you saw a teacher? She told you?

[B]

Oh, no. When I went in that afternoon to pick them up, I got the little. Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a minute?

[C]

Oh, that's beautiful. And the exact words that they used were, what?

[D]

Can I borrow that movie?

[B]

No. They looked kind of embarrassed, and they were like, we got something to tell you.

[C]

Oh, wow, that's beautiful. Thanks, Shannon. Jenny, good morning.

[B]

Hey. I'm a teacher and we were eating lunch one day and a kid in my class looked at me and said, my mom got a new bowl. And I was like, a bowl that you eat out of like a set of bowls. And he's like, no, a bowl that you smoke out of

[C]

the bird show

[G]

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[D]

All.

[G]

I took a look at my closet the other day, like truly looked at it and I realized I probably don't wear half of it. It's just sitting there taking up space and guilt tripping me every time I buy a new piece of clothing, reminding me that, oh, I'm running out of closet space and I have all these beautiful clothes I never ever wear. And it's become this weird pain point in my life. And then I found Vinted. Vinted is a second hand app that makes it easy for everyday people like you and me to sell pre loved fashion and earn some extra money. Vinted was the motivation I needed to clean out my closet and I'm betting it's the same for you. So picture this. You use Vinted now. You've got a less cluttered closet, a refreshed wardrobe with new pieces that you don't feel guilty about, and you made money. It's a win, win, win. And the extra nice part is that listing items on Vinted is quick and simple. And once an item sells, Vinted creates the prepaid shipping label for you. So if you're ready to clean out your closet and make some extra money, download the Vinted app for free and start listing. With no seller fees, you keep every dollar you earn. And for a limited time, you can enjoy free shipping in the US on Vinted. Can't wait to see what y' all are selling.

[H]

Ugh.

[A]

I have had no luck lately.

[C]

Wait.

[B]

Lady Luck Britsky.

[E]

I got you.

[B]

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[E]

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[C]

a free to play social casino. Boyd where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. The Bird show all right, let's get Alex back on from yesterday's show. Hey Alex.

[B]

Hi. Good morning.

[C]

Good morning. How are you today?

[H]

I'm good. How are y'? All?

[C]

Good. Alright. I think what we did here was we put your picture up online yesterday and we put a kind of a couple line description of exactly what you're looking for in a guy to take to this engagement party.

[B]

Right?

[C]

And we only got two. Two emails. But sometimes these things take days to take off.

[B]

I guess it's better than none, right?

[A]

Maybe not.

[C]

I'm looking at their pictures right now on the guys. Not bad looking dudes.

[A]

Can I see pictures when he's like, really?

[F]

Yeah, come on, bring him over here.

[C]

I mean, I could use a date too. I have a non engagement party to go to. There you go. That's Clinton and that's C.J. right there. We're thinking that maybe before we talk to these guys that maybe the point was made yesterday, which is a good one. Like you are, you're cute and all, but like what is in it for these dudes? Because you're asking them to take a night out of their life where they probably would be hanging out with their boys or doing something, you know, that they really want to do. And here they are sacrificing for that night. So what can you offer them in order for them to email and go on this date with you?

[B]

That's a good question. And I was thinking about that. I'm thinking if it goes well and we hit it off and whatever, maybe another night I can take them out for dinner and drinks just to like thank them for doing this for me.

[C]

Okay. It's a good start.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I think we need something for that night. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like we're assuming you're taking them for dinner and drinks before or there's dinner at the thing. Is that what engagement parties are? They have dinner at them. I've never been to one. I haven't either.

[B]

I haven't either.

[D]

They'll have food there.

[A]

Probably. It depends on the swankiness of the families getting married.

[B]

Mm.

[D]

Well, I Mean, this is. I mean, this is a role that the guy has to play where he is at an engagement party, number one, which is not something most guys would run to. Secondly, he has to play the part of your boyfriend to the. To the point. He has to be a good actor to where everybody. He's gonna talk to family members, people gonna ask questions. He's gonna be a stranger in this world and have to pretend that he's been a part of it for a while. So, I mean, you're asking a lot of a guy to do this for nothing.

[F]

Boyfriends don't want to do that, right? So I think you have fake boyfriends. What about, like, throwing in tickets to a Braves game or. I don't know.

[C]

Yeah, something like that. Or sex or something easy. Pretty much the same thing.

[D]

I know you're a pimp on the sideburn, but not on the air.

[C]

We had this discussion just being a wingman. Have you seen the pictures of these two dudes yet?

[B]

Yeah, I just looked at them.

[C]

Okay. Would you like to talk to Clinton or CJ First?

[B]

I can talk to cj. He has tattoos. I have tattoos.

[C]

I like that.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Something in common, if your name is. My name is Alex. A L, Y, X. Aren't you born with tattoos?

[D]

Yes. And a piercing somewhere.

[C]

Cj, Just to describe the picture he sent us. Kind of a. Kind of a rugged, everyday guy picture. He's in an element T shirt. He's got some jeans on, hat on, and behind him is, like, this rushing river. He kind of looks like a dude's dude.

[F]

Like, he went hiking for the day. He looks tall.

[B]

Nature.

[A]

Is that a real background, or is that, like, at Walmart?

[C]

Olen Mills. Olen Mills.

[B]

I love olen milk.

[A]

Wow. We shot our CD covered in olin mills.

[C]

Cj, did you get this picture taken at Olin Mills, man?

[D]

Are you serious?

[F]

Mm.

[A]

Yearbook. The school one.

[C]

Cj?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

How you doing, dude?

[H]

Pretty good.

[C]

Good, man. Thanks for joining us.

[H]

Yeah, no problem.

[C]

You want to say hey to Alex real quick?

[H]

Hey, Alex, how you doing?

[B]

Hi. I'm good. How are you?

[H]

Pretty good.

[D]

All right.

[C]

Now, cj, when you went online and you took a look at Alex, what was it about her profile that you said? Okay, I think she could be looking for me?

[H]

No, she's pretty sexy.

[A]

Cool.

[B]

Ow.

[C]

Anything in the written description part that made her attractive to you, besides her being kind of.

[H]

Well, I didn't see much of a written description when I sent the email. I sent it earlier the other morning, so there was nothing else there but just a description of what was going on and that she needed a date for this engagement party.

[F]

So what made you want to sign up for this engagement party? Just sound like something different.

[H]

Yeah, just like something different. You know, something like, something that could be kind of fun.

[C]

And she's cute. You looked at the picture, man. I'm telling you, that goes a long way. She could have, like. Oh, yeah, yeah. Three fingers, one nostril. You don't care. She's cute.

[F]

So, Alex, when you guys go to the engagement party, do you want, like. You guys have got to, like, have be on the same story, right? You've been dating for how long? All that kind of stuff that he's gonna have to memorize, Right?

[B]

Right.

[F]

Do you have all that in your. In your mind, like your relationship bio?

[B]

No.

[C]

See, y' all are gonna have to get together before this engagement party for a conversation.

[H]

Definitely.

[F]

Probably if he's chosen, somebody comes up to you, and they're like, oh, my gosh, you guys seem like such a cute couple. How'd you meet?

[B]

Right?

[H]

We'll have to come up with something.

[C]

C.J. is there anything that you want to ask Alex here? I think I feel like we're doing all the work. Like, I'm ready to go out with her right now, because I've been working real hard the last two days for her.

[H]

Well, she said she liked the tattoos, and she asked them herself. What kind of tattoos do you have?

[B]

I have a dove on my side. I have two on my back, and one of my. I have a barcode on my ankle.

[A]

A barcode. That's awesome.

[C]

That is nice.

[A]

Every time I walk past you, I

[H]

would go

[B]

on sale, and I have something on the other foot. I have a heart design on the other foot. Okay, what about you?

[H]

Do I.

[B]

What are your tattoos?

[H]

I have big memorial crosses on my arms. I've got nautical stars on the back of my elbows and a couple of symbols on my shoulder.

[C]

And C.J. what part of town do you live in? Is Kennesaw close to you?

[H]

Oh, yeah. I live in Acworth, so she's right around the corner.

[B]

See?

[C]

Then that's perfect, distance wise. All right, we got something there.

[F]

Mm.

[C]

Hi, C.J. let me put you on hold one second, because we got to talk to Clinton also.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Hold on. That's an easy nightcap. I just thought of an ace in the hole. I've got an ace in the holes. None of this works. Okay, I got a guy. I got a guy, you know, who would work, right? Oh, he would be Perfect. I got an ace in hole.

[D]

He'll do it.

[F]

I thought of that too, but I don't think he fits one requirement.

[C]

She had the height requirement. What's your height requirement?

[B]

Well, my ex was 5, 5 6, I'm 5 10, so I need somebody tall.

[C]

It's gonna be close. He'll be close if it's. But he's so good in other areas, man. And you know he'd be able to pull this night off.

[F]

Yeah, I think.

[C]

And he's a good looking dude and he would know how to play the game to be on the radio,

[A]

little notoriety.

[C]

I think he would do it. I think so too. He's got the confidence to do it. This is right up his alley. You think he's too short?

[F]

Really?

[C]

Hey, Clinton, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[H]

Hey, morning, guys.

[C]

How are you, man?

[H]

Doing well. How about yourself?

[C]

Good. Clinton, why don't you just go head straight right to Alex and forget we're here.

[H]

Okay, Good deal. Hey, Alex, what's going on?

[B]

Good morning. How are you?

[H]

So what's the big deal with trying to get back at this guy anyways? I know it's three and a half years in the email, but like, I mean, is he gonna find out that you did this through a radio?

[B]

I don't know. I don't know.

[H]

I'd like to help you out here because it seems like a good, a good cause since he's such a, such a, such a loser with the, with the whole email scenario, but I'd hate for it to go through on this and then he finds out that you did it through the radio and.

[C]

Yeah, that would backfire big time.

[D]

True.

[C]

Big time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It is a good cause though. Like, I remember I was thinking last night like I had some extra money and am I going to give it to Alex or Burt's big adventure? And I was like, I'm going to give it to Alex.

[C]

I almost put a concert benefit concert together.

[A]

I'm saying chocolate covered cashew turtles and wrapping paper.

[C]

You want to organize a 5K, like a walk or a run or something. He raises a very good point though, Alex, that if your ex finds out that this is on the radio, I mean, your hand is played and then you got no game that night at all.

[B]

Yeah, I thought about that, but I don't, I don't know how he would know. Yeah, well, told him.

[H]

Like they were saying before with cj. I think we should hang out beforehand, you know, at least get to know each other so we can play it off much better. And actually have some energy or sexual chemistry. There you go, Jeff. But. But yeah, I mean, let's get back at this guy at least.

[C]

What do you do for a living?

[H]

I actually work for the. In a corporate job. I used to do construction project management, but now I work for rent a car business.

[F]

You seem like you've got like a little bit of an actor spirit about you. Like you're gonna be able to play the role really well and kind of get into it, right?

[H]

Yeah. You know, I don't have any tattoos on my neck or elbows or anything like that.

[C]

We can get you one of those henna ones or a real one might be. I mean, how committed are you to this segment? We can be.

[A]

I already. I appreciate the fact that when we had. I work in the corporate world and the transportation sector. I'm affiliated with temporary use automobiles at a airport facility.

[H]

Absolutely. I work at Hertz. If you guys want to pay for it, I'll just go ahead and get Alex tattooed on my neck. And that should.

[C]

At least you're showing some commitment here. Is there anything that you want to ask of Clinton here?

[B]

Let's see, you got a job, so that's. That's key, right?

[H]

That's. I mean, I'm pretty active otherwise outdoors. Do the triathlon stuff.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. You do triathlons.

[D]

What's fascinating to me is that you're talking about your real lives, where you're going to this party to pretend that your real life boyfriend, girlfriend, he could have whatever job. Alex, you want to create for him to say, you know what I mean? Like, you can create your own world at this party.

[C]

You got to pick a guy that you think can pull this sort of fantasy off best. So it really hit the reality of it doesn't mean anything.

[D]

Doesn't matter what you're doing right now.

[C]

All you need, chemistry. A little chemistry and a good looking dude is really what we're looking at. All right, Clinton, let me put you on hold. Okay?

[H]

Sure thing.

[C]

Okay. Hey, Alex, if those don't work for you so far, we're gonna, we'll ask guys to continue to email us. And if not, I've got an ace in the hole. If you could just wiggle on that by an inch or so, maybe.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

That's all you think is.

[F]

How tall is he?

[C]

I don't think he was that short.

[D]

I don't think so.

[F]

But you're short.

[C]

Everything's tall to me because this is a dude. That is a good Looking guy.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

He could definitely play the role and do it really well.

[F]

Don't you think that he's cocky enough to be like, whoa, it's in it for me?

[C]

No, I just think he's. I think that he'd say, it sounds like a fun night, let's go for it.

[H]

Okay.

[C]

I think he would get some anyways.

[B]

He's just that good.

[F]

He is that good.

[B]

I think so.

[F]

Really?

[C]

Oh, he's good.

[H]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, I saw it.

[B]

I've seen the work happen.

[C]

I saw it this weekend. He's good. All right, so if this doesn't go well, the next couple of days, we've got an ace in the hole for you. Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

All right, Alex.

[B]

Bye.

[C]

Bye.

[B]

Thanks.

[C]

I didn't feel like it went well.

[A]

Nope.

[F]

I understand why people online date. Yeah, well, I think you're funnier when you're typing it.

[D]

But I think Alex. But I think Alex was. Is her only focus is. Is this look on her boyfriend's face when she first walks in with this guy. I don't think she put a lot of thought into the fact it's going to be a five hour evening.

[C]

Yeah. That's a long time. Hey, the Bird Show.

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CTNC's 21 plus sponsored by Chumba Casino. The first show. All right, so this is the Braves game last night. And normally we wouldn't be playing this audio, but now it's a big deal for us. And Bobby Cox is coming out. He may have just been thrown out of the game by Ron Culpa out there talking with Culpa. And Bobby just indicated. Almost as if he thought that should have been a strike call on. Yes, Bobby. No, no, Bobby, don't go out there. Bobby, don't go out there.

[G]

Bobby, it's okay.

[C]

No, no.

[D]

We're going to win this game.

[A]

Don't do it.

[C]

I think Bobby's been tossed. Oh, God damn it. But the thing is, I don't get it.

[D]

Bad timing.

[A]

There's two different people saying that.

[C]

Two people at this point, the Braves were winning. So Bobby didn't really have a reason to go get ejected.

[D]

I think he was just jacking with

[C]

us and he wanted us to finally do it. So he went out there for no reason. That's the funny. They lose like 12 straight.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And we make this bet in the beginning of the season and he should have been heated like four weeks ago. We thought he'd get kicked out. Right.

[D]

He got kicked out of a game we won.

[C]

So here's the bet that we. Here's the bet that we made. First, you need to know what a morph suit is. And think of Spider man without the graphics on it.

[D]

Yes. Because it covers your head to your toe, your hands Your arms. It is a skin tight nylon suit that is all one color.

[A]

So it's like spandex.

[C]

Right, but for your whole body.

[D]

Yeah, the whole body. So I think the Spider man analogy is perfect because it is. You can't. If you didn't know the person, you would not be able to recognize the person in it because they're completely covered from head to toe. But we have bought Morph suits that would fit all of us that are either red or blue for the Braves. And our bet was that when Bobby gets kicked out that we're gonna have a drawing on who that morning is going to have to wear the Morph suit. Because last night the way I found out is on Twitter, a lot of listeners were tweeting about it. So thank you for that. And they were all asking who's going to be in the morph suit today. But thing is, we don't know until we're here on the show this morning.

[C]

Right. And I've got all the names right here. And Bobby, if you don't know, Bobby Cox, the manager of the Braves has a history of getting kicked out of games.

[A]

He's the most booted manager.

[C]

Yeah. He has been kicked out of more games than any other manager in Major league baseball. And my theory is he's just three and a half hours now. For a guy that's 70 something years old is a lot of time.

[D]

It's the last season too.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm surprised. A lot of times, even like during the national anthem, he's just out there. Not out there arguing just to get out of there.

[A]

Bobby, stand up. No, throw me out.

[H]

Go home. Okay.

[D]

You want me to stand up? Make me.

[A]

Can I tell you what I almost did? Had I been in town last weekend because it was your wife's 40th birthday party and it was a white party.

[C]

You were gonna wear a white morph suit. I was gonna go buy a white

[A]

morph suit and show up at your party.

[C]

We hired Felix. You would have never made it in.

[H]

All right.

[C]

And it's also a very. It's a hot suit. Jeff wore it a couple of weeks ago just to try it on. It's very hot in there and we picked like a morning where it's 70 something degrees outside.

[A]

Yeah. It's not going to be fun if you're.

[D]

It's not going to get worse. I mean, it's a mild day today.

[A]

I put it on and wore it at the house to see dogs. Don't like it. Just for the record, which is weird.

[D]

You Took a morph suit home and just wore it for pleasure.

[C]

Were you just sitting there when your wife Jessica walked in, clicking channels? What the hell you got on?

[B]

That's huge.

[C]

Creepy.

[A]

I didn't realize in the suggestion. Remember? I hope you all remember this part, because I think Wendy used the word clingy, like, for guys. And I'm guessing, girls, you'll want to wear a pair of shorts over it because it really hugs every little testicle.

[F]

Uh. Oh.

[A]

So you're gonna want to.

[D]

Yeah, that was what I was worried about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. All names in.

[D]

Oh, God.

[A]

Do you need a cup or something?

[D]

So we're gonna draw this. We're gonna draw. He's drawn. Then the person is going to go and get their morph suit on and then go to a busy intersection.

[F]

Which intersection did you say we.

[C]

We might. Some ped. Peach.

[A]

Wendy, you can't cheat.

[G]

I didn't cheat.

[C]

I want to see the name.

[A]

I can't see.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[A]

We all find out at the same time.

[C]

Okay, I'm going to. I'll go one by one and say who's not going.

[D]

Okay.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

Bert is not going this morning. Hallelujah. I got to show you guys something, though.

[A]

You bring your cup? He was going to wear a cup.

[F]

No, you brought socks. You were going to stuff it. What are you doing?

[A]

Dude, that thing's tiny.

[F]

Oh, my God.

[D]

He brought a cup. That's funny.

[C]

I brought an athletic cup in. Jen Javi, you will not be going on the corner in the barsuit today.

[F]

Hallelujah.

[C]

Jeff, you will not be going. Oh, no.

[F]

Oh, no.

[C]

Oh, crap. The winner of the first morph suit idol going on to Peachtree and Piedmont is seacrusted.

[A]

Draw it out. Draw it out.

[C]

Melissa Carter. Sorry, honey. Well, I got a pretty sign for you, Melissa. Melissa Carter.

[D]

I hate these bets.

[C]

All right, and this is bad luck for Melissa.

[D]

Cause every single bet, you lose the

[A]

first round of every bet that you.

[C]

But to her credit, she always pays off.

[D]

Yeah, I always pay off. And I. And this is what I said at the beginning of the season. And I guarantee somehow this bet's gonna disappear. All right, so Tracy has the suit.

[C]

She has the suit. Call us on the way down, and then we'll tell her. Hey, don't go away mad, honey.

[F]

Don't forget. You got it.

[A]

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Melissa, I need to take a pre. I need to take it down.

[C]

Oh, no. The middle of the finger.

[A]

I didn't get a picture fast enough.

[C]

And Melissa has left the studio.

[A]

Dude, Was that a real random drawing or did you rig that?

[C]

No, of course I wouldn't rig it.

[A]

She loses every bet.

[C]

If I was gonna rig it, you'd be out there this morning.

[A]

You did like me when I wore it, didn't you?

[E]

Sexy.

[C]

So we'll tell you what intersection she's going to in a couple of minutes.

[A]

And the next bet on the bird show is. Do you guys think she'll come back?

[F]

I'm going to.

[H]

No.

[B]

Me neither.

[C]

You're on the Burt Show. Jenny, good morning. You are on the Burt Show. Hello.

[B]

Good morning. I was curious, how has Stacy been doing with the not smoking thing?

[C]

You guys are so invested in this. There must be so many people that have had to go through the same thing.

[B]

Yes. My husband is the smoker. And when you were telling me about the whole story, it was just exactly what's going on in our family.

[D]

He is smoking right now, or he's

[B]

smoking since he was 13. Oh, wow.

[C]

Yeah. My wife, on and on and off, same amount of time practically. And she goes through these stages where she goes cold turkey and then she stops smoking, and she does real great. And then for whatever reason, stress hits, and then it usually starts with, like, a wild night out of drinking.

[B]

That's exactly how my husband.

[C]

Right. And one of her friends starts smoking. And it just looks so good. It's like it's a magnet.

[B]

And they think they can have this one and then be done.

[C]

You get it, Jen Hobbies had the same struggle.

[F]

I mean, yeah, yeah, definitely stop smoking, like, for the most part in January. But I definitely have had nights where, you know, I. You start drinking and having a good time with friends, and then, you know, your radar goes off and it's like, I want one. And your inhibitions are like, screw it. Just going for it.

[B]

Was she able to do it? Sunday was the deadline, right?

[C]

Yeah. And she was smoking like a. I mean, she was lighting up like a chimney on Saturday night. It was one after the. And she aged like four years in. In seven hours. And then Sunday rolled around. And one thing I do know about my wife is she's strong, man. She puts her mind to something, and I could see it in her eyes. And she stopped. And she hasn't picked up a cigarette since. She said that early morning, like, with coffee, when she has her coffee. That's the toughest part. And then yesterday, I think she had a meeting with some friends that smoke also, and that was really difficult for her because they normally would all be lighting up. And I told Jen earlier this morning that she told me yesterday to stop asking how she's doing with the not smoke.

[F]

Because when you're not thinking about it, you don't want to be reminded because then you're thinking about it.

[A]

How often were you asking?

[C]

It was once a day. I was just checking in with her going, how you feeling today? Everything okay? And yesterday she said, no more.

[D]

No more.

[C]

So that's how we're doing right now. Cut it out. Listen, it's the vert show.

[G]

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[E]

This is the Bird Show.

[C]

Melissa Carter just walked in in her Morph suit right now.

[F]

That is awesome. You two look like Spider Man.

[A]

It actually looks kind of cool on Melissa.

[F]

That does look cool.

[C]

She's covering her privates, though, with a. Well, of course I am. It's almost weird to hear a voice come out of a man. Did you twitpick it, Jeff? So let me try to describe this before Melissa heads out. It is an all blue morph suit. We'll have pictures up online. But again, this Morph suit is just like. It's Spider Man's costume without the graphics. So it's. It's skin tight. I mean, from the head to the toe. And she.

[D]

I don't know why I just smiled at that picture.

[C]

And she has Wendy made a big white poster board sign.

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

And it says, Go Braves the Burt Show Q100 on it. And she's gonna be heading on out to a Buckhead intersection here in just.

[D]

I don't think I'm ever gonna bet again. I think I've realized that I'm never.

[F]

You know, I do think it'd be funny if there were multiple Morph suits on the corner at the same time.

[C]

We got another one if you want to go.

[F]

Well, we could draw another name out of the hat. I think it would be fun.

[A]

Here we go.

[C]

If it's so funny, you go.

[F]

No, I'm not saying I want Hardy Har. Bye bye. But I just think it would be funnier to have multiples.

[C]

Okay, let's do a drawing. No, I'm gonna volunteer for that cheer.

[F]

That wasn't rigged just like the first one wasn't.

[A]

I did say that at some point, we all would have to go to a bracelet game dressed in the Morph

[D]

suits and just said next to each

[A]

other, no, I'm sitting on top of that. I'm paying big money. I'm getting A seat right on top of the freaking dugout. And I'm heckling Bobby the whole game in my Morph suit. Look what you did to me, Bobby.

[D]

Now we need to get the seats behind home plate. So we're on TV the whole time in our Morph?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Or. Or the ones at the Station owns those SunTrust seats, man. I mean, you got five people. I've always wanted to be on ESPN. You get five people in Morph suits, you're gonna be on ESPN. We'd totally be on TV.

[D]

Absolutely.

[A]

I think it's rude to sit in an all you can eat and all you can drink section with your mouth covered.

[F]

You can drink through that thing.

[D]

You can drink through this thing.

[A]

There's a different one that you can drink through.

[D]

It's not this one. Well, I'm not gonna even drink. All right, well, I'm headed out, dude.

[C]

And it's hot out there too.

[D]

No brace.

[C]

Okay, head on down to podcast. Thanks, Melissa. Thanks for being a great sport about it. Melissa own it.

[D]

Was that on camera?

[A]

Did you just blue finger us?

[C]

She did. She blue fingered us. But you couldn't tell because it was a webbed flip off finger.

[A]

So Natalie is gonna go. I didn't know. I don't know if Melissa's gonna be able to talk on the phone. So Natalie is one of our producers. I just said, can you do me a favor? Melissa's around the corner. She's dressed in all blue. Can you go be with her? Take my camera, hop in the car and go with her. And I think you're gonna have to do a play by play on account of her face being completely covered.

[E]

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