Full Show PT 1: Thursday, January 15 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Thursday, January 15 [Vault]

Date: January 15, 2026
Hosts: Bert Weiss, Jeff Dollar, Brandy, Melissa Carter, Jen Hobby

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show centers around laughs, shared real-life awkward moments, and dynamic interaction with listeners. The main themes are concert stories and the drama of mistaken confidence, as well as a hilarious, deep dive into tales of bad kissing. The episode brings together the show’s trademark authenticity, humor, and relatability, with lively banter among the crew and listener call-ins amplifying the fun.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Recapping the Kenny Chesney Concert

[01:39–05:23]

• Bert, Jeff, Melissa, Jen, and Brandy exchange stories from the recent Kenny Chesney concert at Phillips Arena, discussing the impressive turnout and the atmosphere.
• The cast jokes about the modern country crowd and the shift from the “old traditional country” vibe to a younger demographic.
• Funny stories ensue about assigned seating drama and pet peeves at large events.

Notable Quotes:

• Melissa Carter [03:41]: “It was like going to a UGA game, but everyone was dressed up… it was like 20,000 beautiful people.”
• Burt Weiss [05:23]: “I hate people who try to sit in better seats before the event begins.”

2. “Digging in When You Know You’re Right... But Aren’t”

[08:41–17:15]

• Burt recounts a tense moment at the concert over seats, where another attendee was convinced he was right—until being proved spectacularly wrong. The show invites listeners to share their own stories of sticking to their guns, only to realize they were mistaken.
• Multiple caller anecdotes are shared, including embarrassing moments of mistaken confrontation and humility.
• Hosts revisit a legendary radio story of on-stage embarrassment: a DJ hyping up the “front row” at a concert, blind to the fact that all those seats were occupied by wheelchair users.

Notable Quotes:

• Jeff Dollar [08:41]: “We’ve all been there... you realize, oh, I’m totally in the wrong here.”
• Burt Weiss [13:06]: “He goes, front row, get on your feet. And then they turn the lights on and he sees that’s where they put all the wheelchairs.”
• Jen Hobby [13:18]: “He called for the house lights... everybody in the entire venue could see he’s been yelling at people that are in wheelchairs.”

3. The “Kissing Surrogate” and Bad Kissing Stories

[20:37–35:32]

• The group discusses the rise of professional kissing coaches (or “kissing surrogates”), including the curious service of a woman who offers to teach couples better technique.
• Listeners and cast members share their “worst kiss ever” stories, ranging from overzealous tongues to saliva disasters, gum exchanges, and accidental mouth-blowing.
• The conversation explores how a single bad kiss can traumatize or change someone's impression—and sometimes, bad kissers still get married.

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments:

• Jeff Dollar [21:59]: “She literally took me in her arms and dipped me like I was on Dancing with the Stars... jabbed and darted her tongue in my mouth. Even to this day, I haven’t forgotten it.”
• Brandy [22:42]: “He slobbered so much I had to go home and take a shower.”
• Caller [28:12]: “My worst kiss is my husband... we don’t even kiss anymore.”
• Brandy [33:36]: “Keep it simple... if you think you’re gonna be fancy with your kiss, nix that idea.”
• Jen Hobby [26:31]: “I think my worst is from... Eddie Marrelli… he stuck his tongue so far down my throat I think it actually played with my uvula.”
• Burt Weiss [32:35]: “Like, give it to you mouth-to-mouth transfer, or…?”

Timestamps for Segments:

• Kenny Chesney concert story: [01:39–08:41]
• Humbling moments/being proven wrong: [08:41–17:20]
• “Kissing surrogate” discussion starts: [20:37]
• Worst kiss stories & callers: [22:00–35:32]

4. "Termination Memo" Game – Office Goodbyes with a Twist

[37:59–45:07]

• The team reads out mock termination emails written for each other, spoofing the impersonal and bizarre ways workplaces announce staff departures.
• Each memo includes inside jokes relating to cast personalities, quirks, and running show gags.

Notable Quotes:

• Brandy [40:11]: “Jeff Dollar is no longer employed with The Bert Show... turns out his witty lines on air are not his own.”
• Jeff Dollar [41:28]: “Burt Weiss is no longer a part of all the hits Q100. We wish him well. If you decide to look for swinging partners for you and your wife, please do it on your own time.”
• Jen Hobby [43:04]: “Jen Hobby will no longer be employed... her eternally upbeat, ever positive nature is driving everyone in the building to jump out a window.”
• Melissa Carter [45:03]: “Her recent march for marriage on the Governor’s mansion is the straw that broke the camel’s back...”

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Engaging Listener Call-ins

Throughout the episode, the show’s tone is funny but self-deprecating, with listeners encouraged to join in and amplify the theme. Callers recount cringe-worthy tales such as:

• Giving away all their money by mistake at a festival [10:02]
• Embarrassing their girlfriends by honking at a car illegally stopped at a red light [10:56]
• Dramatic but ultimately misplaced accusations in public settings [14:58]

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps & Attribution)

• Melissa Carter [03:41]: “It was like going to a UGA game, but everyone was dressed up... country’s a younger crowd now.”
• Jeff Dollar [08:41]: “We’ve all been there... that sinking feeling when you realize you’re wrong.”
• Jen Hobby [13:18]: “He called for the house lights... everybody in the entire venue could see he’s been yelling at people that are in wheelchairs.”
• Brandy [22:42]: “He slobbered... I literally had to go home and take a shower.”
• Caller [28:12]: “My worst kiss is my husband… we don’t even kiss anymore.”
• Burt Weiss [32:35]: “Like, give it to you mouth-to-mouth transfer, or...?”

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Segment Timestamps (Highlights)

• Kenny Chesney Concert: [01:39–05:23]
• Awkward Concert Seat Confrontation: [05:23–09:10]
• Embarrassing Humility Stories: [09:10–17:15]
• Kissing Surrogate & Worst Kisses: [20:37–35:32]
• Mock Termination Memos: [37:59–45:07]

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Recurring Themes & Original Tone

The show’s natural, self-mocking style shines as the hosts play off each other, encouraging openness about embarrassing experiences everyone can relate to. The cast and caller stories are delivered with warmth, sharp wit, and the kind of authenticity The Bert Show is known for.

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Summary

This episode offers a blend of playful storytelling, listener engagement, and comical reflections on real-life blunders. The cast's chemistry and empathetic laughter make even cringeworthy moments feel like shared, cathartic fun. Fans and newcomers alike get a window into everyday mishaps, and the friendly, highly relatable tone is maintained throughout.

Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Jeff Dollar]

The Birch Show Jeff was out at the Kenny Chesney concert last night.

[Burt Weiss]

Yeah, Phil was there too. It was a great show. This guy is amazing, man. Seventeen or sixteen thousand, whatever, hundred people at Philip's arena three nights in a row.

[Jeff Dollar]

I'm out of the loop on the country thing like I was. I just have the old traditional country thing in my head and I've never gone back.

[Burt Weiss]

He said more than once from the stage that in his 12 years of touring, he has never once played the same city three nights in a row and three sellouts. I mean, that's huge.

[Jeff Dollar]

Is it the kind of thing where he plays Atlanta because he doesn't play other southern cities that are close, like Birmingham and all. And no, he's pulling from everywhere.

[Burt Weiss]

Like I said, he's been touring for 12 years and he has been partying. You know, he came to Atlanta and partied hard for three solid nights.

[Melissa Carter]

Even more proof of it, he even sold out Detroit in like an hour. Two shows in Detroit. He sold those out in like an hour.

[Jen Hobby]

All them Yankees like Kenny Chesney.

[Melissa Carter]

It's like that country music boom right now. And last night was just amazing. It was absolutely gorgeous.

[Brandy]

Does his new marriage helps at all?

[Melissa Carter]

I mean, somebody at one point I went with my brother Sam and my dad and my little sister and we were just having a great time And I got elbowed more than once. Cause he was going up to where the sky boxes were or where the boxes. And at one point somebody elbowed me and said, did he just say, hey, Renee? Because it sounded like in his second or third song. He went and pointed it up one of the boxes and said, hey, Renee. Because he was waving to the crowd. And I got elbowed twice. Somebody said that. He did that more than once. I didn't catch it.

[Burt Weiss]

She wasn't there last night. She was there Saturday night.

[Melissa Carter]

Okay.

[Burt Weiss]

She was there at the concert on Saturday night. And Uncle Cracker came out and Gretchen Wilson came out again. Cracker was hammered last night.

[Jeff Dollar]

No. Really?

[Burt Weiss]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dollar]

Who knew? The guy drinks.

[Burt Weiss]

I don't know if you saw this from the side of the stage you were sitting on, Phil. But I thought, I'm pretty sure that Kenny Chesney was giving hand signals to do his band, whether or not to keep or get rid of Crack. Like, keep Cracker on stage. Like, he had to turn around and he nodded at his guitar player and like, it's guitar player was like, are you sure? And that happened right in front of us.

[Jeff Dollar]

Like, what's the crowd like now at a country concert?

[Melissa Carter]

I mean, gorgeous, hot, wonderful. Yeah, it was like. It was like going to a UGA game, but everyone was dressed up. I mean, the crowd was. It was. Yeah, it was like 20,000 beautiful people. Country is a younger crowd now. I mean, I would say the average age there was probably between the ages of 20 and 25.

[Jeff Dollar]

Really?

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah. And all the girls, you know, had their cowboy hats on and all the guys had cowboy hats on. And it was just.

[Burt Weiss]

It was.

[Melissa Carter]

If you watch like a Kenny Chesney video, that's what it was like.

[Burt Weiss]

Yeah, it was. It was cool. The problem was. And I was talking to some of my friends at Philips arena, and they. I mean, you know, I think we all agree it's a great place to see a concert and they do an awesome job. And we were talking about the different crowds and, you know, three nights of any concert, plus Destiny's Child on Friday night. So these guys have been working for like four straight nights, you know, at concerts. And they were looking pretty beat up. And some of them were telling me that sometimes this crowd gets a little rowdy, you know, really a little more rowdy than other crowds. Just cause, you know, the beer's flowing and they're out to have a good time and sometimes. And I almost experienced that with Jessica because we said, I have, you know, a few pet peeves or Quirks or whatever you want to call them. You know, one of them is I hate being left on hold on the phone. It drives me nuts. Very frustrating to me. And another one is at any sort of event where there's assigned seating, I hate people who try to sit in better seats before the event begins. Like, I'm okay with if you're at a baseball game and three or four innings have gone by and you've been sitting like, you know, 50 rows up and you've seen the same two rows empty down and you can talk to the usher and you can go down there, whatever. If you can do that, that's fine.

[Jeff Dollar]

It's the same theory in a plane too.

[Burt Weiss]

Yes.

[Jeff Dollar]

Like if you want to go to it, sit in your seat until the door closes. And then if there's an open seat, at that point you get out and you go right, right.

[Burt Weiss]

And so that is just anywhere there's assigned seating. If you don't sit in your assigned seat, it just bugs me because chances are somebody is going to be in those seats. I mean, you know, if you're going to whatever the event is, those seats have been sold.

[Brandy]

Give them a chance to be late. I mean, give them a chance to get to their seat first.

[Burt Weiss]

So we are sitting in our seats and we're in, you know, whatever section we are, blah, blah, blah. And we're in row three and we're sitting in the section and there's only. Because it's kind of, it's like it's near a tunnel and stuff. And I think there might have been like a, like some handicap accessible space next to us. And it was kind of a weird row. There were only four rows in the seats. And even on the ticket it looked kind of funny. So it was 1, 2, 3, like it said on the ticket it said 3, 1, 2, 3, 4, something like that. It was a little hard to read. But we walked in and like I said, I've got friends who work at Phillips Arena. And we walked in with them and he just goes, okay, there's your seats right there. And we just sat in the empty row on the seats in that row closest to the stage. Like we slid all the way down. Well, some guy comes in with his girlfriend and because we had the whole row, four seats, we're actually sitting right in the middle of the row. So we would have been sitting in seats two and three. And we're sitting there and this guy comes in with the girl. And I had all four seats in the row and the other seats were in my pocket. So the guy comes in and says to Jessica, hey, you're in our seats. Jessica's like, no, I don't think so, and takes out her ticket. He goes, I know where my seats are. You're in my seats. And his girlfriend goes, just move down. Move down to Jessica. And Jessica's like, I don't think so, but whatever. So we slide down to the end of the row, and Jessica's like, hey, would you mind if I. Could I see your ticket? So the girlfriend says to the guy, hey, can she see your ticket? And the guy's like, who the hell is she? She doesn't need to see our tickets. Hands Jessica ticket. He goes, I know where my GD seat is. I am not effing up. This is my seat. This is where I belong. And I just lean out and glared at him, right? You know? And I'm like, that's ridiculous, dude. What is your deal? And then as soon as this is during Gretchen Wilson, soon as the lights came back up, this guy looks over at us and goes, you guys gotta move now. And gets an usher and says, hey, we're supposed to be at the end. We're on the seats closest to the stage. They're in our seats, and they're being a holes about it or something like that, and gives the usher's ticket. And the usher says, sir, you're in the wrong row.

[Brandy]

And what does he do?

[Burt Weiss]

He. I refuse. He, the whole night, tried to be like, buddy, buddy with me. After that, his girlfriend apologized to Jessica, and he apologized to Jessica. And she. Like, I actually said to her afterwards, I'm like, you were too nice to him. Like, I didn't even look at him. Didn't make contact. And if he did, I was gonna tell him, you know what? Don't be an a hole. Like, don't just sit in your seats. Yeah, that drives me nuts. And if it wasn't, like, if it's an honest mistake, like, I thought we may have been in the right row, because, like I said, we walked in with our buddy from Phillips, and he just goes, there you go. And we just sat in the empty row. Like, we could have been one row off. It was no big deal. But just wait till the break. Don't be a jerk. You know what I mean? Just don't.

[Jeff Dollar]

I'd love to take this from this, the other guy's angle, like, where you were sticking up for something you knew in your heart of hearts you right for. Like, you were willing to fight over it. And then, like, 30 seconds later, you realize, damn, damn, damn. I was wrong. Because we've all been there and had that sinking feeling, you know, when you're sticking up for something so passionately, then you realize, oh, I'm totally in the wrong here. 404-741-1005. I'd love this guy to call in. That was me.

[Burt Weiss]

I actually. If he wasn't such a jerk about the whole thing, I would have felt terrible for him because it was such a humbling experience. And it was seriously, like, the last song, last two songs of Gretchen Wilson's set. And we just, like. My deal is, like, just slide down. Let everybody sit here. When the lights come out, we'll sort it out. No big deal, right? And this guy just had to be loud and boisterous, and it felt. I felt bad for his girlfriend because she looked at Jessica and she goes, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Like, she legitimately felt bad.

[Brandy]

We could take phone calls from girlfriends, too, of their man or a friend of someone who did that, too. Like, because your man was sticking up.

[Jeff Dollar]

For you and he was in the wrong.

[Brandy]

Because there's plenty of times when women are embarrassed by the way a guy's trying to buck up and handle a situation. But. And then to find out that, you.

[Jeff Dollar]

Know, oh, hey, Vic, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, what's up, man?

[Jeff Dollar]

What's going on?

[Caller]

I had kind of the same situation, but it took place at Freak Me. And I had, like, $40 in my pocket, and I bought, like, a T shirt and, you know, something to drink. I was kind of, you know, had too much to drink so late on. I had took a picture with one of the panhandlers or whatever, and I forgot that I spent my $20 and gave him my last 20. So I stood there for the longest, man, about to fight this guy. I'm like, you know, come on, man, I want my money, or I'm gonna take the camera and all this kind of stuff. But he decided to give me my $20 back. I walked away. I realized I had spent, you know, spent all my money, but I was too embarrassed to go back.

[Jeff Dollar]

Of course you were. Of course you were. All right, Vic. Thank you for calling.

[Caller]

Hi.

[Jeff Dollar]

Appreciate it. Too much pride. Getting away, man.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dollar]

All the hits. Q100. Hi.

[Caller]

Hey. How you doing?

[Jeff Dollar]

All right.

[Caller]

Okay. I'm sitting at a red light. Me and my girlfriend, I'm. We're going to dinner, and I'm behind the car at the red light. And this guy wouldn't Move at all. And I'm sitting here blowing the horn at him, blowing the horn at him and yelling at him. He's yelling at me, shooting me the finger. And I'm about to get out of the car and just go at it, then all of a sudden he's, he's pointing up at the light and I look up there and there's a sign that says, no turn on red. And my girlfriend's like, she's pissed off. She's just like, she didn't want to go to dinner after that. I'm just sitting there. And I didn't know it too. I just laughed. It was just funny to me.

[Jeff Dollar]

Like I said, you only have a couple of options. Either it's like you find humility or you just refuse to believe what just happened.

[Caller]

I wanted to catch up to the guy, so I'm sorry, but I couldn't.

[Jeff Dollar]

Have you ever been in this situation where you know you're wrong, you're found out, and then rather than apologizing, you get in a fight with your girlfriend over something else just to mask the fact that you were just wrong?

[Caller]

Yes, definitely.

[Jeff Dollar]

Somehow tried to put it back on her with something else?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Burt Weiss]

My, my favorite story, I think this, this is kind of close. I mean, I don't think this guy had any choice but to be humbled. But this is my favorite all time story of a situation like this where you just have to. You got the tail's got to be between your legs. Actually happened at Burt's old radio station when they were introducing a concert and this guy named Al goes out on stage to bring, bring, you know, the next band out. And it's like, you know, some real, like, let's say it's Black Eyed Peas. That's a pumped up. That's like you got to get up and dance band, right? So he goes out there, he goes, hey, thanks for coming to the, you know, whatever, you know, Kiss concert number five. You guys having a good time? Everybody cheers. He goes, I need you to get on your feet and make some noise for the Black Eyed Peas. And like the front row, two rows, everybody stands up at them. And he goes, you will not stay seated for. Stand up in the front. Hey, we need to make some noise to get the front row to stand up and people are cheering, you know, and he goes, front row, get on your feet. And then they turn the lights on and he sees that that's where they put all the wheelchairs.

[Jeff Dollar]

He called for the house lights. Kid and I were actually on stage with him. And he's like, house lights, house lights. So they put all the lights on. And then everybody in the entire venue could see that he's been yelling at all these people that are in wheelchairs.

[Burt Weiss]

Yeah.

[Brandy]

Oh, what did he do?

[Jeff Dollar]

I don't know at that point.

[Brandy]

Oh, my gosh.

[Burt Weiss]

All right, here's the black eyed pee.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh, my.

[Brandy]

They probably going loud. Jerk. If I could stand up, I would. Thanks so much.

[Burt Weiss]

I would stand up and I would chase you.

[Jeff Dollar]

I mean, you're in front of 15,000 people at that point. Good morning, Mark. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, guys, what's going on? Well, I was head of security at Back Street a few years ago, that now deceased 24 hour nightclub. And it was an off night. And we had gotten this call that somebody had lifted this guy's wallet. Well, we found the guy, chased him four blocks. When he ran from us, he got maced. Fight ensued. I have a scar to this day on my knee where we were rolling around on the asphalt. We dragged a guy back, get him in front of the victim, who says, my wallet hasn't been stolen.

[Jeff Dollar]

So was the wrong. You guys maced and fought with the wrong guy?

[Caller]

No, no, it turns out the guy had just had. Had quite a bit to drink and didn't realize this guy had had stolen his wallet. We. We actually had the right guy. But There was about 15 or 20 seconds there, dead silence, where we all thought we committed a felony.

[Jeff Dollar]

But you did end up.

[Brandy]

Yeah, it ended up being correct.

[Caller]

It ended up being correct. But there was that. There was that 15 or 20 seconds where we thought, oh, my God, we're all going to jail.

[Jeff Dollar]

Here comes a lawsuit.

[Burt Weiss]

Yep. That would have shut Backstreet down a lot earlier. That would have been like Jimmy's Backstreet or something like that.

[Jeff Dollar]

Good morning, David, you're on all the hits.

[Caller]

About my 21st birthday.

[Jeff Dollar]

Yes, sir.

[Caller]

I was at a place in Buckhead, I think it was the Vortex. And my friends had taken me out drinking earlier in the afternoon. We had got to this place sometime that evening, so I was already fairly buzzed. We began drinking, and the people who were working there asked us to see our ID several times. I guess we looked young. And by the time we got done and we're ready to leave, we were all, you know, pretty intoxicated. And I couldn't find my id. So we still had plenty of the night left for me to go drinking on my 21st birthday. And I began to raise hell about these people who lost my id. So I'm raising hell. And eventually the patio where we're sitting completely cleared out because I was raising so much hell and causing such a fuzz. My friends jump into the fight because they completely see my passion, and they think they're like, okay, well, they must have taken the idea. They're totally behind me, on board with me. We leave the place finally, after they escort us out to up. Put it nicely. And after we're leaving, we're about halfway home because there's nowhere else to go with a person on his 21st birthday without his ID. And I look in my pants pocket. I'm wearing those cargo jeans that have the pockets on the side. And I put my ID in my side pocket on the pants. And my friend unfortunately knew one of the guys who worked at that place, and he was actually never went bad because I kind of ruined it for him with the scene that I made there.

[Jeff Dollar]

So did you ever come clean? So you did come clean with your friends?

[Caller]

Yeah, I did. Of course, we had to get Keep drinking.

[Jeff Dollar]

Cause there does come a time where, like, you've already made an ass out of all your friends also, and you just kind of maybe want to hide that fact that you were in the wrong.

[Brandy]

You know, I'm sure there's plenty of people, like, when they're paying by credit card at dinner, and then they put the card back in their wallet, but they forget that they did it. And then they think the waiter still has their credit card. And then also at Burt's Bay Adventure, Crash. I don't know if you remember this, but Crash and I were trying to get into one of the parks. We were hanging out the day that the families were on their own. And so we had gone to one of the parks, and then we got in. Everything's good.

[Jen Hobby]

So we leave.

[Brandy]

We go to another park. His credit card had somehow stuck to the back of the park pass. So when he tried to put the park pass into the new park, they.

[Burt Weiss]

Wouldn'T let it in.

[Brandy]

And so I'm standing there with my arms crossed, like, I can't. You know, we just used this. And he said, we're kind of arguing a little bit with the Disney people. And then it ends up, it was.

[Jeff Dollar]

Crash's fault, and you're going straight to hell. You start arguing with the Disney.

[Brandy]

I know.

[Burt Weiss]

The Birch Show.

[Commercial Announcer]

In a world where January is supposed to be boring, one staple of the holidays refuses to end the great deals at Verizon. The joy just keeps on coming. Right now, you can save on four new phones and four lines. Critics agree it's the deal that keeps on giving. Come into Verizon and save on four new phones and four lines on unlimited. Welcome. Additional terms apply seeverizeon.com for details.

We spend a third of our lives in bed, so why settle for ordinary sheets? Miracle made sheets use NASA inspired silver infused fabric to keep you cool, clean and comfortable all night long. The silver naturally fights bacteria and so your sheets stay fresher up to three times longer. That means fewer washes, clearer skin and better sleep. They're soft, breathable and built to last. An affordable luxury that actually delivers. It's not magic, it's science inspired by innovation, designed for everyday life. Because sometimes the simplest upgrades make the best biggest difference this Christmas, upgrade your sleep or give the gift of better rest. Go to trymiracle.com clean to try miracle made sheets today you'll save over 40% and when you use promo code clean, you'll get an extra 20% off plus a free three piece towel set.

[Podcast Host]

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[Jeff Dollar]

That. There is a new business blossoming out of Seattle called Kissing Surrogate. It is a woman that will fly into your town if you. If when you're kissing your man or vice versa, things aren't just right.

[Burt Weiss]

He's not.

[Jeff Dollar]

He doesn't know what he's doing. Not sure what he's doing. You can call her up. She will come into town and she will watch the two of you make out and show you what you're doing right and what you're doing wrong.

[Burt Weiss]

And how much she charged for this, I don't know.

[Jeff Dollar]

Did we find out how much yesterday it was?

[Brandy]

I don't think so. But I mean, 300 bucks per couple.

[Jeff Dollar]

300 per couple.

[Burt Weiss]

Plus, I'm sure you got to pay for her flight and whatever.

[Brandy]

Well, the thing is, I mean, here's a surrogate. There's kissing schools out there where, you know, people go into a room and it's all these couples and they're in a. I mean, it's obviously something that is needed because there's nothing worse than being with a bad kisser.

[Jeff Dollar]

We. And you guys probably also, you never forget that experience either. Like your very worst kiss ever. I specifically remember, I mean, this happened a while ago, but it was with. And I'm gonna see her at my high school reunion in a couple of weeks. Leann Bryan. And I think I remember telling you guys this. It was a game of spin the bottle back in the day. And I was a. I'm a little guy now. I was a really little guy like back in the eighth grade. I mean, I was the size of a doll.

[Burt Weiss]

A Weeble Wobble.

[Jeff Dollar]

And I remember spinning the bottle and I had to French kiss Leigh Ann Bryant. And a. She dipped me. She literally took me in her arms and dipped me like I was on Dancing with the Stars and then shoved and jabbed and little darter in my mouth to a point where it was so painful that even to this day, I haven't forgotten it. Now that's the kind of person that needs a kissing surrogate. Now, if you guys can remember your worst kiss ever, you remember it in detail, call us. 404-741-1005.

[Brandy]

I've got two. I mean, because I've had the experience of kissing both men and women. And one of each is my two worst kisses ever. One was a slobberer. And oh, he. I don't Know, I literally had to go home and take a shower because he slobbered. And then he'd do the kiss on the ear and the neck and the shoulder and that kind of thing. And. And I. Yeah, just. Well, first of all, at the time, I. I was realizing that this is not who I wanted to kiss. So I. But I went ahead with it anyway. And then on top of that, he had to be spitting all over me. That was nasty.

[Jeff Dollar]

You know, like, that guy ruined it.

[Burt Weiss]

That guy ruined it for every future man you come in contact with.

[Brandy]

Well, I'm not gonna kiss a man ever again.

[Jeff Dollar]

That's his fault.

[Brandy]

No, it's not. It just. Oh, he was a bad kisser. And then there was a woman I kissed who. Total opposite. She didn't even use. She would open her mouth but not use a tongue. Like, it was just bizarre.

[Jen Hobby]

It was like a hollow kiss.

[Commercial Announcer]

It was.

[Brandy]

Yes.

[Jeff Dollar]

Have you guys ever.

[Podcast Host]

That's weird.

[Jeff Dollar]

Have you ever had this deal where you're, like, opening your mouth and she's opening her mouth and there's no real, like, puckering going on? It's just, like, open mouth on mouth, but there's no action going on after.

[Brandy]

And then you hear that cupping sound.

[Podcast Host]

I mean, it's.

[Brandy]

I mean, there's.

[Caller]

Oh, yeah.

[Brandy]

You know, a friend of mine and I were hanging out over the weekend. I said this to you guys off air yesterday. Her complaint was because we were talking about first kisses and stuff, because I'm still in the, you know, lifestyle where I'm gonna have first kisses with people. And we were talking about people in particular and nervousness about that and stuff. And then she says, you know, the sad thing is it is one of the most intimate things you do with somebody, and it has to come first. Yes. That's why there's the awkwardness and the weirdness. And you judge people based on that kiss, you know, but, yeah, it is. Yeah. A lot of people are bad at it.

[Jeff Dollar]

And I am a big believer in if the kiss is bad, the rest of the whole thing is going to be pretty bad also.

[Brandy]

Right.

[Jeff Dollar]

Good morning, Brandi. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, good morning, guys. How are y'? All?

[Jeff Dollar]

Good morning.

[Caller]

My worst kiss was my.

Actually, my first kiss. I was 18. My brother had set me up with a Marine sergeant, and when he went.

To kiss me, he just had his.

Mouth open like a bath and just basically engulfed my face and just drooled on me. It was just terrible. I didn't think I'd ever kiss anybody. Again.

[Jeff Dollar]

Do you guys remember, like the first time you ever French kissed somebody that you opened up your mouth so wide because mathematically there's no way two tongues can fit in the same mouth, right?

[Burt Weiss]

I came at somebody like a fish out of water. She just started laughing. Game of spin the bottle too.

[Brandy]

Nobody, nobody kisses well at 14. Or my first was at 14, I think. 14. And his name was Don Johnson, swear to God. Don Johnson. Best looking guy in school. And I'm sure he's much better now. But then it was the whole stiff and just went in for the attack.

[Jeff Dollar]

I remember Tammy Lopez coming out after me for a French kiss and just like, you know that scene in like the Peanuts where somebody screams and you only see, like the uvula dangling in the back? I remember that feeling like I was going in there, man.

[Burt Weiss]

I imagine I look like one of those female blow up dolls. Like, that's what I imagine it looked like when I went in for my first kiss.

[Jeff Dollar]

Just the perfectly round mouth.

[Burt Weiss]

Let's go. You want me?

[Jeff Dollar]

Hey, Melissa, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning. I was in ninth grade and it was my first French kiss. And this guy, not only did he realize that the tongue was supposed to go in the mouth, he licked all over around my mouth.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh, gross.

[Caller]

Pulled apart. There was, I'm not even kidding, a string of saliva from chin to tip. I was so grossed out.

[Brandy]

No, no, no. That was scarier.

[Jen Hobby]

That was scarier.

[Brandy]

I've had somebody lick my gums before.

[Jeff Dollar]

No, that is nasty. No.

[Brandy]

Yes.

[Jeff Dollar]

Lick your gums like just above your teeth or like the roof of your mouth.

[Brandy]

Above my teeth, between the gums and my cheeks.

[Jen Hobby]

That is so disgusting.

[Brandy]

Oh, my God. Yes.

[Commercial Announcer]

Oh, I've had.

[Jen Hobby]

I think my worst is from. God love him. I hope he's not in Atlanta or anything. I would hate to hurt his feelings, but his name's Eddie Marrelli and he came at me and it started so good. It really did, because it was both hands on the face and I thought, oh, this is a boy who knows what he is doing. And he tried to be really passionate, but I think he stuck his tongue so far down my throat, I think it actually played with my uvula. Like, it was so deep, lizardly, like snake, like all the way in there that I thought I might choke on him.

[Burt Weiss]

Snake.

[Brandy]

Like a frog trying to get a fly.

[Jen Hobby]

Yes, he was a frog trying to get a fly. And it was like I felt devoured. I was like.

[Brandy]

I really.

[Jen Hobby]

I felt like I had been eaten.

[Jeff Dollar]

And you know, Back then, like, you were too afraid to break up with somebody, so there had to be a second kiss. And when you go in, you're like.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh, here it comes.

[Brandy]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dollar]

Don't have to do this again.

[Caller]

No.

[Jeff Dollar]

Morning. All the hits Q100.

[Caller]

Hi, this is Rhonda. When I was about 17 years old, I was dating this guy for about a couple weeks, and it was our first kiss. And when he went to kiss me, he was, like, pulling his tongue in and out of my mouth, like we were, like, having intercourse or something.

[Commercial Announcer]

He was?

[Jeff Dollar]

Yeah.

[Caller]

It was so terrible that the next day I called him and I was like, look, for the past few weeks, I've been lying to you. I've got another boyfriend, so we've got to stop seeing each other.

[Burt Weiss]

So. Oh, that's bad.

[Brandy]

A bad kiss is horrific. I wonder, do you. You think there's anybody in our lives that considers us one of their worst kisses?

[Burt Weiss]

Oh, absolutely.

[Jeff Dollar]

My wife.

[Burt Weiss]

We have to be.

[Jeff Dollar]

Yeah, it's probably my wife. Just call her right now. Morning, Brandy, you're on all the hits Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning, guys.

Love your show.

[Jeff Dollar]

Thank you.

[Caller]

Oh, my worst kiss, you guys is my husband.

[Jeff Dollar]

Oh, no way.

[Caller]

Yes. I ended up marrying him.

[Brandy]

What? What. What does he do wrong?

[Caller]

Well, he just. You know what? I can't even. I can't even. I don't even know what it is. It's just moving his tongue around in my mouth. It's just gross. And so the sad thing is, is we don't even kiss anymore.

[Jeff Dollar]

You need to see, this is a person. Like, we were talking about flying this woman into town and trying to find somebody. It was like the heart. The. The worst luck case story yours is it, like, how long have you been married?

[Caller]

We've been married for seven years. We have three children.

[Jeff Dollar]

And when's the last time you kissed them?

[Caller]

Oh, gosh. Well, we, you know, we do the morning kiss and peck and kind of thing, but we don't. We don't do the tongue thing.

[Jeff Dollar]

Like, when is the last time you had a long, passionate kiss with your husband?

[Caller]

I can't tell you.

[Jeff Dollar]

Three years, Four years?

[Caller]

No, I mean, you know, it's maybe six months. I don't even know. Maybe a year.

[Jeff Dollar]

A year?

[Brandy]

That's sad.

[Burt Weiss]

We don't have to fly in some surrogate con artist from Idaho or wherever she is. Sit down with Jen Hobby for a few minutes. You could be like, what if Jen.

[Jeff Dollar]

Hobby's not any good?

[Burt Weiss]

Get your tongue out of her nostril.

[Jeff Dollar]

Seriously, dude, I'm not so sure Jen's any good?

[Burt Weiss]

Well, come on, kiss her.

[Jeff Dollar]

I'm not gonna kiss her again.

[Jen Hobby]

All right.

[Brandy]

That is sad because, I mean, I think. I think sometimes a good makeout session on the couch is just as good as, you know, being full on.

[Jen Hobby]

Whatever.

[Brandy]

I mean, you gotta have those intimate again. Like my friend says, one of the most intimate things you do and you have to do with a total stranger.

[Jeff Dollar]

Brandy, have you ever told your husband how bad a kisser he is?

[Caller]

Well, I think he kind of knows. I mean, when we first started dating, I told him, you know, that he wasn't the best kisser. So.

[Jen Hobby]

Would he be willing to work on it?

[Caller]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Jen Hobby]

We gotta get her.

[Jeff Dollar]

I gotta put you on hold, Brandon. I'm gonna put you on hold.

[Brandy]

That's not right.

[Jeff Dollar]

If you haven't kissed your husband or your wife passionately in six months.

[Brandy]

No, that's not right.

[Burt Weiss]

No.

[Jeff Dollar]

All right, last couple of calls and we'll move on. Hey, Summer, you're on all the hits q100.

[Caller]

Hey, guys. How you doing?

[Brandy]

Good.

[Caller]

Okay. I am. I'll be 20 this weekend. And I've been dating this guy who goes to Florida State for about a two past the last two years. And we're kind of serious when we're around each other and we're kind of not. When we're not, you know, he's so hot. And so, you know, I don't know why, but I was just expecting. Expect the kids to be hot and passionate. Totally not like that. He does this thing sometimes where he. Melissa. He licks my gums too. And it's so horrible because you'll be having this, like, passionate kiss, and all of a sudden it's like you can't breathe because his tongue is, like, blocking, you know, like, your airway, like, in your mouth, and you're trying to breathe through your nose, but. Oh, my God, it's so horrible. But when he's licking. No, it gets worse when he's looking at my gum, like, he likes to sliver it around and stuff. And it's like. Okay, stop. Like, he likes when he's done with it, he likes to suck my top lip to finish the kids off.

[Jeff Dollar]

So the dude is licking your gum and sucking your top lip?

[Caller]

Yeah, he's licking my gum. And when he's done, it's like he's sucking my top lip. And my lip is, like, sticking an inch away from my mouth.

[Jeff Dollar]

This guy must be like Brad Pitt. Good looking to keep up with that.

[Caller]

He. Well, he is so, like, he Is so amazing. He's. He's gorgeous, you know, and we have, like, awesome chemistry together. But there's just sometimes when he gets.

[Burt Weiss]

Really weird when he's sucking on my lips.

[Jen Hobby]

I mean, I was trying to fight your gingivitis.

[Brandy]

I mean, it's a good thing that the eyes were closed because I think the shock look on my face when. Yeah. Gums licked. I've had the. I've had. Yeah. Bad kisses when she said the top lip sucked away from her face. I've had my tongue sucked, like, out of my mouth before.

[Jen Hobby]

I've had that happen, too. It's not pleasant.

[Brandy]

It's just like, what are you like, okay, if you think you're gonna be fancy with your kiss. You know what? Nix that idea. Keep it simple.

[Jeff Dollar]

I understand trying to evolve a little bit, but sucking the top lip.

[Brandy]

Oh, it's sucking my tongue out of my mouth. It's not cool.

[Jeff Dollar]

Hey, Alex, you're on all the hits. Q100. What's going on?

[Caller]

Yeah, when I was about 13 years old, I was dating a girl that was about. I guess she was probably about 16 or 17. I can't remember at the time, but her idea, basically we were on the bus together going from school or whatever. Her idea at the end of the ride when I got off was to give me her gum after we were kissing. That was her idea of the whole French kiss.

[Burt Weiss]

Like, give it to you mouth to mouth transfer or.

[Caller]

Yes, exactly like that. That was her big thing, was she wanted me to have her gum at the end of the day.

[Jeff Dollar]

You know, this is going in an even stranger direction because so many are calling up saying that the sucking on the lip thing is pretty common.

[Jen Hobby]

Really.

[Jeff Dollar]

Hey, Gina. Yes, what's up?

[Caller]

Hey. I have a sucker story, too. He. We were pecking and it was nice and all. And all of a sudden, he starts sucking on my bottom lip. And it sucked it so hard that he actually strained that little tendon that connects the bottom of your lip to your bum. I mean, it really did. It was horrible.

[Jen Hobby]

That makes my mouth hurt.

[Brandy]

Oh, see? No. And then, like, the woman said, you know, before who. He was doing all kinds of stuff, but he's so good looking, I would lose attraction. You know, like, if you're a bad kisser, I look at you differently. I mean, I had a guy lick my cheek before.

[Jeff Dollar]

Like, no. Yeah, literally on the side of your.

[Burt Weiss]

Cheek like a puppy.

[Brandy]

He's just happy to see, like a puppy just.

[Burt Weiss]

He peed a little and he licked your cheek.

[Brandy]

Keep it simple. Like, I just. Yeah. I just really think a lot of people feel so awkward about it or feel like they have to have a move. Like, we talk about, you know, the motorboat. Yeah.

[Caller]

That.

[Brandy]

You know, they feel like they have to have a move with their kissing too. And it just. You know what?

[Podcast Host]

It's.

[Brandy]

No. Oh.

[Podcast Host]

Just. Oh.

[Burt Weiss]

I. Maybe we shouldn't bring this woman in for that one person. But maybe we should have any. We should do, like, some sort of. Because it seems like all the problems are with guys. Most of the problems. It's like, what if we hold an event and we don't tell the. Like, somehow let women only know what it is and they can bring their guy to it and he doesn't know what it is until he's actually in the room.

[Brandy]

And then it's the kissing scream.

[Burt Weiss]

And we shut the door, lock him up. Yeah.

[Jeff Dollar]

Hey, Julie.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Jeff Dollar]

Good morning.

[Caller]

Good morning. I had a guy. Not only did he slobber, but he bit my lip so hard he made me bleed.

[Jeff Dollar]

Dude.

[Melissa Carter]

Dude.

[Caller]

Yeah, it was horrible. And it was a reaction. I slapped him.

[Commercial Announcer]

Oops.

[Caller]

It was just a reaction. Yeah, my lips were bleeding and I was nasty. I had to go take a shower from all the slobber. And. Oh, it was bad.

[Brandy]

There's nothing to me more disgusting than a slobber kisser. I hate that. And also this guy that leaked the side of my face. Now that I think about it, you know what else he did? Which was? I don't understand. Okay, so he kissed me. And as he was kissing me he blew air in my mouth to where I looked like a blowfish.

[Podcast Host]

Oh, come on, now.

[Jen Hobby]

I swear to God. Shut up. Now you're just making it.

[Brandy]

No, Ross. In high school, Central High School Ross. He did that to me.

[Jeff Dollar]

Is it any wonder at all why you're like, totally.

[Brandy]

I know I'm not gay because guys are bad kissers. It just made it even that much worse because there was nothing going on to begin with. And then the being bad kissers just.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh.

[Brandy]

Because women are bad kissers too. I mean, I've had some. Yeah, the.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dollar]

And you've got a reputation too. Because if you're a bad kisser and you think she's just keeping that knowledge to herself you are so freaking wrong, Ross. You are so wrong, Ross. The bird Show.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Jeff Dollar]

If your company is anything like ours.

[Burt Weiss]

Which is probably not.

[Jeff Dollar]

Yeah, it's probably not.

[Burt Weiss]

We're pretty unique. But this is, this will be similar.

[Jeff Dollar]

Well yeah, I mean we're unique in the fact that it's a radio station, but I think there are common threads from company to company and this is one of them. Like when there's been an employee at the radio station for the longest time and you know, they showed some loyalty, things are going pretty well and all. Put some time in on the radio station and then just one day out of the blue you get an email from management and it's just one line basically saying this dude is never allowed back in the building. We got one of those this week.

[Burt Weiss]

Well, not even. You don't even get the line where he's not allowed back in the building because then you know that they did something like that. That's reserved for like the part time employees. If you see him back in the building. Please notify management immediately.

[Jen Hobby]

That's somebody who's like angry and gonna wreck something.

[Burt Weiss]

But there's somebody who's just been, you know, at their desk and quietly job. And then you get the email that says, name is no longer a part of all the hits. Q100. We wish him well.

[Brandy]

And that's it.

[Jen Hobby]

That was future Endeavors.

[Brandy]

God, I would be so hurt if that was the email that was sent out after years at the company. And then that's it.

[Jeff Dollar]

That's all we got. This guy just one line basically saying, we wish him well in future endeavor. So there's all sorts of speculation and rumor going around the radio station right now as to what happened to this.

[Brandy]

Exactly. Because it came out of nowhere.

[Jeff Dollar]

Totally out of nowhere. Nobody still has any idea what's going on with this guy. Right. So we took a look at that email and we all decided yesterday that, you know what, rather than a one line email, let's go ahead and make up some stories about our own termination and read them to each other today. So these would be our potentially termination emails that the company would send out about us. Then we all drew for different people. Like I got Jen Hobby, I drew for Melissa Carter.

[Brandy]

I drew for Mr. Jeff Dollar, and.

[Burt Weiss]

I have Burt Super.

[Jeff Dollar]

That's gonna hurt.

[Burt Weiss]

Yours is short.

[Jeff Dollar]

It's gonna hurt. All right, so these are our emails as we are kind of predicting the way we would get terminated and how the company would present it to the rest of the staff. Right. Who would like to start?

[Brandy]

I'll go ahead and start with Jeff.

[Jeff Dollar]

Okay.

[Brandy]

All right. Dear staff, I regret to inform you that Jeff Dollar is no longer employed with the Birch show and all the hits Q100. The results of recent incidents internally have given us no choice but to terminate his employment. First, it has come to our attention that Jeff's witty lines and comebacks on air are indeed not his own.

[Jeff Dollar]

He said this for a while.

[Brandy]

Through a comparison of his IM and recordings from the show, it was revealed that producer Tracy Peluso is the source of most of Jeff's true humor.

[Jeff Dollar]

We have actually busted him. We know that that's fact.

[Brandy]

As a result, we realized we were paying him for, well, nothing but to warm a studio chair and play in his computer. Secondly, extensive work had to be done within the ventilation system of our building that apparently stemmed from all the hits Q100 letterhead in the form of so called paper wads used to apparently aid in Jeff's creative process during the show and after show meetings. However, as per the Aforementioned paragraph. Jeff has no creative process and does simply trash the offices. Some of the paper escaped into the ventilation system causing the building and the station significant expense. We wish him well in all his future endeavors, but be aware that we have changed the security codes as Jeff is not allowed into the building or the office. Supply closet management.

[Jeff Dollar]

Very nice. At least we know the reason. Jeff, you want to go next?

[Burt Weiss]

Sure.

[Jeff Dollar]

All right.

[Burt Weiss]

Burt Weiss is no longer a part of all the hits Q100. We wish him well. If there are immediate questions that come up with his work, please direct them to Fowler Me. In addition, if you have decided to look for swinging partners for you and your wife, please do it on your own time. Thank you, Dylan.

[Brandy]

That's it.

[Jeff Dollar]

All right, I'll go. Mine was about Jen Hobby. All right. All the Hits Q100 staff as of today, Jen Hobby will no longer be employed by Susquehanna Radio. You might ask why we would get rid of an employee with Jen's eternally upbeat, ever positive, good natured attitude. I point to one reason. Her eternally upbeat, ever positive, good natured attitude is driving everybody in the freaking building to jump out of a window. In the past few weeks, many of you have come into my office to discuss the problems. I understand that the repetitive greetings in the hall after she just said hi to you two minutes ago, the never ending chain of thank you cards, and the prideful delivery of home baked goods to each cubicle are just a few ways she's got everybody on edge. The final straw for most of us was the office wide email she sent last week in which she offered to verbally read a chapter a day out of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books over the intercom system. We all wish Jen Hobby well. We all wish Jen Hobby well. But under no circumstances she to enter the halls of all the hits Q100 and Pollute our air with her annoying spirit coordinator attitude. You can bet your bottom dollar she'll find a new neato job soon.

[Jen Hobby]

I like that Chicken Soup for the Soul idea.

[Brandy]

Oh, no.

[Jen Hobby]

All right, here is Melissa Carter's memoir. It is with much regret that I construct this memo in regard to the termination of Melissa Carter. As most of you know, Melissa has been a loyal employee here at Susquehanna radio for 10 years. But her radicalism has become a liability too heavy for us to continue to bear. Her recent march for marriage on the Governor's mansion is the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. Although, as always, her intention was altruistic, her results have proven to be a bit of a public relations nightmare. The pro gay marriage sit in lasted for 72 hours, attracted over 100,000 citizens and as I am sure you all saw on the news, featured a candlelight vigil turned out of control blaze requiring all of metro Atlanta firefighters to put it out and save Sonny himself. Now although Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi came to the event to support Melissa, which Rich Eldridge wrote about in the Peach Buzz, the celebrity attention did little to curb the neighborhood plea to remove all the rainbow banners and otherwise free thinking slogans on posters and pickets throughout the effluent area, as well as all that were degrading the otherwise designer sector of town. Clearly we already overlooked the interruption during a recent homestand on Braves Vision when Melissa and her accomplice, only known as Yogi, hacked into the high tech system to out the Georgia politicians who actively fight against gay rights but privately lead adulterous married lives. How they got those photos we'll never know. And Melissa was merely slapped on the wrist for calling in sick to the Birch show when she actually took personal days to run off to Canada to marry her high school sweetheart. At this point, groups such as the Red State Co Breeders Only for Marriage and GPSU Gay People Scare Us have lobbied with their conservative business partners and have threatened to pull 90% of our advertising dollars. We have no choice. At this point. We wish Melissa the best and hope she'll keep in touch when she and not Samantha deliver their first baby early next year. If you have any questions, please see me in the Team America office down the hall.

[Jeff Dollar]

The Red Bell.

[Brandy]

All right, yeah, that's a memoir I'm talking about.

[Jeff Dollar]

All right. So if any of us ever get fired, it doesn't matter for what the reason. Just insert said memo. I'll be covered. All right.

[Commercial Announcer]

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