Full Show PT 1: Thursday, January 22 [Vault] - The Bert Show

Transcript

Host 1 (Jason Muir) (0:00)

The Burch show.

Host 2 (Bert) (0:01)

But we're talking about Britney and Kevin and their relationship right now. Whatever he did, he upset her so much that she changed the locks on the house before he got home. Which is like. That is, that is severe. That is drastic right there. You really have to screw up for you to come home. And the locks have been changed like that. So I'm dying to know from you guys if this has ever happened to you or you've ever done it. Like, what did he or she do to make you make that decision?

Co-host or Caller 1 (0:32)

Right.

Host 2 (Bert) (0:32)

Harsh. Joseph, what's up?

Caller 2 (Doug) (0:35)

Hey, Bert, Jo.

Host 2 (Bert) (0:36)

Hey, what's going on?

Caller 2 (Doug) (0:37)

How are you? Melissa, I saw you last night. I broke back.

Co-host or Caller 1 (0:40)

Hey, you got in?

Caller 2 (Doug) (0:42)

I got in. I didn't get a T shirt though, but I got in. It was great. So listen, my boyfriend, I came home late one night, we were kind of on the odds, we were about to break up and he cut up all my clothes. Shredded in my closet. Shredded them. Cut up the backs of clothes. Cut clothes.

Caller 3 (Jeanette / Jackie / Janine / Amber - various callers) (1:01)

Cut sleeves off clothes.

Caller 2 (Doug) (1:03)

Cut them in places where I didn't know where. I had to find out if I was going to work. I would be on the subway and I would see that I had a big slit up my arm on the shirts. So the next weekend he went away. I changed locks.

Host 2 (Bert) (1:15)

I can't believe you waited a week. Because if I'm looking at a guy like that and I'm looking at a personality that could do that and is so angry, I. I'd be nervous to have that guy back in the house the next day.

Caller 2 (Doug) (1:26)

I mean, I was fine. I just was like, what am I gonna do? I can't, you know, this guy can't be homeless. But lots of my friends, you know, they were all on my side and said, this is what you gotta do.

Co-host or Caller 1 (1:35)

Yeah, what'd you do?

Summary

The Bert Show — Full Show PT 1: Thursday, January 22 [Vault]

Originally aired: January 22, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode dives into wild relationship stories, with a primary focus on listeners who have changed the locks on their (ex-)partners due to betrayals or breakups. The conversation takes an unexpected and dramatic turn when a mother calls in to reveal she’s dating her daughter’s ex-boyfriend, sparking heated debate among the cast and listeners. The segment is packed with candid admissions, relatable anecdotes, biting humor, and unfiltered listener interactions.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Listeners’ “Changed the Locks” Stories (00:01–08:03)

Prompt: The team references Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's relationship drama, where Britney allegedly changed the locks on Kevin. They ask listeners if they’ve ever changed the locks and what led them to do it.
Memorable Calls:
- Joseph’s Story (00:35): Joseph recounts a breakup where his boyfriend, in a rage, cut up all Joseph’s clothes, even strategically damaging shirts so Joseph wouldn’t notice until he wore them. Joseph waited a week but eventually changed the locks.
  - Quote: “I’d be nervous to have that guy back in the house the next day.” — B (01:15)
- Jeanette’s Story (02:29): Eight months pregnant, Jeanette followed her husband, caught him cheating (“going to this woman’s house”), packed his things in garbage bags, and changed the front gate lock.
  - Quote: “He said I look like a whale, so…” — Jeanette (03:07)
  - “Good for you. I’m impressed.” — F (03:28)
- Jackie’s Story (04:50): Jackie discovers her boyfriend is out smoking crack; she calls an emergency locksmith and changes all the locks.
  - Quote: “This guy’s coming home from an all night bender and his key doesn’t fit in the lock…” — B (05:28)
- Tiffany’s Story (05:57): After her husband lost a court case and accidentally called her by his ex-wife’s name on the phone, Tiffany had her brother-in-law change the locks in 90 minutes while her husband drove home.
  - Quote: “His brother sold him out and changed the locks for you?” — F (06:47)
- Kim’s Story (07:03): Kim explains her mom didn’t just change the locks—she moved the entire trailer while her dad was at work due to his excessive partying.
  - Quote: “I’m not spending the money on the locks. I’m just driving the trailer out of here.” — B (07:59)
Laugh-Out-Loud Moments:
- Imagining partners returning to their homes and discovering the house—or entire trailer—gone (e.g., “Where does it go at 8:28?” — B, 07:44).

2. Explosive Listener Drama: “Carol” Dating Her Daughter's Ex (08:03–26:43)

Setup:
A listener, “Carol” (alias, voice disguised), calls in to confess she’s 39, recently divorced, and dating her 19-year-old daughter’s 21-year-old ex, creating a rift with her daughter.

Details Revealed by Carol (08:24–12:14):
- Carol claims the relationship began after her daughter introduced them and that she felt a strong attraction. While she denies full intimacy, the cast is skeptical.
- Carol and her daughter no longer speak because of the relationship.
  - Quote: “You trying to compete with me? Are you, you know, are you doing this to hurt me?” — Carol recounting her daughter's reaction (12:54)
- The cast questions Carol's motives and criticizes her for the apparent emotional damage to her daughter.
  - Quote: “I don’t know how you’re gonna be able to do that because you’re screwing over your daughter.” — B (12:14)
Listener & Cast Reactions:
- Janine (13:39) defends Carol, arguing there’s a double standard when an older woman dates a younger man versus the reverse.
- The cast repeatedly points out that the main issue is not the age gap but the betrayal of mother-daughter trust.
  - Quote: “The age thing—I don’t have a problem with it. But have you ever heard the phrase that blood is thicker than water?” — A (14:12)
  - Quote: “Once you put you in front of your children, it’s the wrong decision.” — B (15:05)
Escalation (17:01–21:37):
- The conversation grows emotionally charged, with the cast calling Carol’s behavior “pathetic” and “immature.”
  - Quote: “Carol’s children will be picking out her nursing home.” — F (17:01)
- Carol admits to a lifelong “competitive” relationship with her daughter.
  - Quote: “We’ve always been very competitive...” — Carol (19:32)
  - Quote: “This is all about the win. This is all about you showing up your daughter… but it’s breaking apart your family.” — B (20:09)
- Carol tries to justify her actions as stemming from loneliness and the desire for attention.
  - Quote: “He gives me attention and I like that.” — Carol (20:02)
- B and C particularly hammer home the psychological and emotional impact on Carol’s child.
Nicole’s “Voice Disguised” Call-in (21:37–24:52):
- Nicole, an impassioned listener, delivers a blistering moral critique directly to Carol:
  - Quote: “You need to leave him alone. There’s no way you should be that damn selfish... There are too many men out here for you to be dating someone that dated your daughter!” — Nicole (21:48)
  - Nicole warns Carol she’ll damage her relationship with her daughter beyond repair, even saying, “Remember what you’re doing right now when it’s time for someone to decide whether you should live or die.” (23:18) and “We’re worried for you, bitch.” (24:46)
Aftermath:
- Carol maintains she’s not doing anything wrong, claims women “overreact,” and holds to her position until the cast calls her “a joke” and predicts she’ll end up alone.
  - Quote: “You are an old joke.” — C (25:39)
  - Quote: “Lose the competitiveness with your own kids. That’s crazy, Carol.” — B (26:39)

3. Phone Scam Segment: “Background Check on a Girlfriend” (26:55–30:39)

Setup: The show runs a playful segment where Jeff prank calls a man (“Doug”) pretending to do a “background check” on Doug’s ex-girlfriend because Jeff’s allegedly dating her now.
- Jeff annoyingly asks Doug about her finances, personality, and even intimacy.
- Doug, baffled and amused, ultimately goes along for a bit—until the cast reveals it’s a Bert Show phone scam orchestrated by Doug’s cousin.
  - Memorable Moment:
    - “You're whacked. You're weird, man. She’s in the 40s. She's hot, man. She's good stuff.” — Doug (29:41)
    - “This is Jeff with the Bert Show. I work with the Bert Show at all the hits, Q100. You’ve just been phone scammed by your cousin.” — A (30:22)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“He said I look like a whale, so…” — Jeanette, on why she changed the locks on her cheating husband (03:07)
“I'm not spending the money on the locks. I'm just driving the trailer out of here.” — B (07:59)
“You don't get cutting clothes angry unless they've stepped out on you.” — E (02:04)
“You are an old joke.” — C, confronting Carol (25:39)
“Remember what you’re doing right now when it’s time for someone to decide whether you should live or die.” — Nicole (23:18)
“This is all about you showing up your daughter. And in this competitive relationship that you have, this is a win for you in your column and a loss for her, but it's breaking apart your family.” — B (20:09)

Timestamps to Key Segments

Relationship “lock-changing” stories: 00:01 – 08:03
Carol – Mom dating her daughter’s ex: 08:03 – 26:43
- Carol’s confession & cast reaction — 08:24 – 21:37
- Nicole’s criticism of Carol — 21:37 – 24:52
- Cast wrap-up and final thoughts — 24:52 – 26:43
Phone scam (“background check” gag): 26:55 – 30:39

Tone & Style

The Bert Show’s iconic blend of humor, blunt honesty, and real-world empathy is on full display: banter is snappy and irreverent, but the cast doesn’t shy away from earnest, sometimes uncomfortable confrontation. Listeners are invited into a space that’s both cathartic and comedic, whether sharing their own misadventures or witnessing the cast’s sharp takes on tricky subjects.

For First-time Listeners

This episode is classic Bert Show: plenty of laughs, a revolving door of jaw-dropping real-life calls, and the kind of lively, sometimes brutally honest, in-studio debate that loyal listeners expect. If you want stories about navigating messy breakups, the limits of familial loyalty, and the consequences of crossing social taboos—served with wit and compassion—don’t miss it.