Full Show PT 1: Thursday, July 16 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Thursday, July 16 [Vault]

Date: July 16, 2026
Listen for: Funny, real-life birthday reflections, family drama, listener catch-ups, and a “swag intervention”

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Episode Overview

This Bert Show episode blends humor, personal insights, and relatable listener stories. The cast opens up about aging, family relationships, self-improvement challenges, and dives into quirky show traditions. With candid conversation and plenty of laughs, the team invites listeners into both their private worlds and on-air hijinks.

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Key Segments and Discussion Points

1. Bert’s Birthday Reflections & Weekend (01:04–04:00)

• Bert’s Low-Key Birthday:

  • Family celebration (went to see How to Train Your Dragon in 3D)
  • Surprised with a couple's massage at a mansion by Stacy

• Feeling Older:

  • Bert discusses feeling his age (43), partly due to recent knee injury and health.
  • Notable Quote:

    “I’m 43 tomorrow and I feel like I’m 60-something... I just feel old. Like, my body feels banged up.” – Bert (02:51)

• Conversations about Age:

  • Shares a funny yet poignant conversation with his dad (73), who has emphysema and an oxygen tank but still feels youthful mentally.
  • Notable Quote:

    “Your mind never catches up to your body. Your mind always thinks you’re younger than you are, and that never, ever, ever goes away.” – Bert, relaying his dad’s advice (02:44)

2. Bert Reconnecting With His Dad (04:30–08:11)

• Unexpected Family Update:

  • Bert shares for the first time that he’s been talking weekly with his estranged father for several months.
  • Honest conversation: Bert confronts his dad about past pain and emotional distance.
  • Dad’s response:

    “I have been apologizing to you for 25 or 30 years... I know I was a crappy father... but there’s nothing else I can do about it at this point.” – Bert’s dad (06:16)

• Therapy & Healing:

  • Bert credits therapy for being open to reconciling, but admits a protective “wall” still exists.

• Humorous Aside:

  • Jen: “If you had done that [tweeted about laughing with your dad], I would have gone to bed earlier Sunday night thinking that you were back on the pain pills.” (07:12)

3. Listener Story: Betty’s “Love Triangle” Saga (10:07–11:55)

• Situation Recap:

  • Betty updates on the anticipated visit from a longtime crush (friend from 9th grade) — but due to legal issues, he didn't make it to town.
  • No new drama between Betty and her friend who is also interested in him.
  • Betty’s grandma is home and recuperating, adding family complications.

• Memorable Moment:

  • “No winner or loser yet? …Well, there’s going to be two losers.” – Betty (11:24)

4. Listener Story: Christine’s Brother and the Million-Dollar Apps (12:00–19:18)

• Big Reveal:

  • Christine’s brother confesses to parents that he hasn’t attended college for years but instead started a computer company making successful iPhone apps.
  • Parents are excited but skeptical, encourage him to finish his degree regardless of apparent financial success.
  • Notable Quote:

    “If you’re making that much money, then maybe you should go back to college too and finish your degree, because computer stuff’s not really reliable.” – Christine’s mom (13:18)

• Skepticism All Around:

  • Andy and other hosts question the legitimacy of the brother’s claims (“something’s amiss”), leading to jokes about nervous laughter and apps for finding public bathrooms.

• Listener Call-In:

  • Aaron calls to confirm it’s possible to earn significant money making iPhone apps with moderate success. (18:32–19:02)

5. “Swag Intervention” – Intern Brandon Learns Game (20:32–29:32)

• Mission Recap:

  • Intern Brandon, notorious for having “no game,” is coached by Dolvett for a night on the town.
  • Begins with a forced style upgrade (shave, haircut), doling out tough love about wardrobe choices: “Khakis are forbidden.” – Dolph (23:12)
  • Dolvett strategizes Brandon’s introduction to new people, especially women.

• Key Takeaways:

  • Brandon is nervous at first but grows more confident, engaging in witty conversation—especially once drinks flow.
  • Memorable Success:

    “He exchanged numbers with one of the girls... I’ve never had a prouder moment in my life.” – Dolph (29:00)

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Brandon still hesitates to approach women on his own; next challenge is initiating without a wingman.
  • Pro tip:

    “Your opening line is your name. Just introduce yourself.” – Dolph (29:50)

6. Birthday and QVC Roulette Tradition (31:17–37:25)

• Bert’s Birthday Prank:
  • On the cast’s birthdays, they call QVC and buy whatever is being sold on TV for the birthday person—with NO prior knowledge of what it is.
  • This year’s prize: A fuchsia Denim & Co. utility shirt—size small—for Bert.
  • The banter with Linda, the QVC rep, is full of hilarious deadpan exchanges.
    • “Is there some weird sexual chemistry going on between you and I right now?” – Bert (36:23)
    • Linda: “No, but I think I’m going to let this call go.” (36:29)
  • End on a running joke about “knowing when a woman wants me” based on customer service tone.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Getting Older:

  “It doesn’t matter how old you get. Your mind never catches up to your body.” – Bert (sharing dad’s words, 02:44)

• Family and Forgiveness:

  “There’s always a part of me that will always have sort of my arm up, keeping him at arm's length, but I’m just doing the best I can in this relationship.” – Bert (07:19)

• On Listener Drama:

  “No winner or loser. Well, there’s going to be two losers.” – Betty (11:24)

• Swag Coaching:

  “Khakis are forbidden… you do NOT wear khakis.” – Dolph (23:12)
  “At any point did he approach a woman by himself? No... that’s the thing to focus on.” – Bert/Dolph (29:32)
  “Your opening line is your name.” – Dolph (29:50)

• QVC Call Banter:

  “I want that fuchsia shirt.” – Bert (34:57)
  “Is there some weird sexual chemistry going on between you and I right now?” – Bert, joking with QVC rep (36:23)
  Linda (QVC): “No, but I think I’m going to let this call go.” (36:29)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Bert’s Birthday Weekend & Reflections – 01:04–04:00
• Reconnecting with His Dad – 04:30–08:11
• Betty’s Listener “Love Triangle” – 10:07–11:55
• Christine’s Brother: App Millionaire Confession – 12:00–19:18
• Intern Brandon’s Swag Makeover – 20:32–29:32
• Bert’s Birthday QVC Roulette Tradition – 31:17–37:25

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Tone and Takeaways

This episode is a quintessential Bert Show blend of lightheartedness, real-life struggles, and group camaraderie. The candid honesty about personal challenges, the laughs around dating “swag,” and the playful traditions like QVC roulette keep the episode engaging from start to finish. If you missed the episode, you’ll walk away feeling in on the jokes and genuinely connected to both the hosts and listeners.

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Skip the ads and dig right in for doses of real talk, feel-good humor, and the charm of The Bert Show cast!

Transcript

[Dolph]

What's up everybody?

[Bretzky]

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[Jen]

what'd you do this weekend, Bert?

[Bert]

It's sort of like my birthday is tomorrow. So we did family birthday on Friday night. And for my birthday we went to go see how to train a dragon.

[Jen]

Nice.

[Bert]

I really wanted to see that.

[Jen]

That was the one that.

[Jeff]

Didn't you already see it?

[Bert]

Yes, this is the second time, but this is 3D. Oh yeah. So we did that together as a family on Friday night for my birthday.

[Jen]

How to train a dragon. How long until they make a porn out of that? How to train his Tribune.

[Bert]

And on Saturday night, Stacy had a surprise for me. We went over to the mansion, spent the night there and got a couple's massage on Saturday night, which was cool.

[Jen]

Who was the other person?

[Bert]

Well, it's a couple's massage. So a couple massages you and then you massage another couple.

[Jeff]

What's one of those?

[Melissa]

You know what I'm saying?

[Bert]

She thinks a little differently at the massage.

[Jeff]

Happy birthday.

[Andy]

I've seen that section outside the door.

[Bert]

Yeah, so that was really the weekend right there. I'm going low key this year. First, Stacy has a big birthday coming up in May and I'm just not feeling celebrating a huge birthday this year.

[Jeff]

Are you like feeling resistant to your age or is it just like because it's not a big number, you don't really care.

[Bert]

You know, I had a talk with my dad about this the other day and he told me.

[Andy]

I'm sorry.

[Jed]

Wait, hold on.

[Bert]

Yeah, my dad and I have been talking a lot lately.

[Andy]

That's a sentence. You have really never said.

[Bert]

I told you guys that we reconnected a couple of months ago. I did tell you that.

[Jen]

Nope, I didn't.

[Bert]

Kind of forgot about that one.

[Jed]

You left it out.

[Jeff]

Didn't think you were speaking to either parent right now.

[Bert]

Yeah, mom is in solitary confinement. Dad and I are working on it now, though. Yeah. So we're probably talking to each other once a week.

[Andy]

Wow. Really?

[Bert]

He's got plans to come out over the summer and hang with the family and everything. So we're working on that.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Bert]

So this weekend, we were talking about age and stuff, and he's 73, and he's in bad shape. He's got emphysema. He's got an oxygen tank tied to his back right now. And we were laughing. He's going on a cruise. And we were laughing about him being in his bathing suit with an oxygen tank on his back, which is a real hot look. And he said to me that, you know, it doesn't matter how old you get. Your mind never catches up to your body. Your mind always thinks you're younger than you are, and that never, ever, ever goes away. So even at 73, he gets up in the morning, he thinks that he's healthy and he can run and he can do all these things. But then he remembers 70. Got to tote around an oxygen mask, you know? And this is really the first year that I'm celebrating a birthday where I feel my age, I think, because of the knee. And I'm. I'm just. I feel old. Like, my body feels banged up. I feel. I'm. I'm 43 tomorrow, and I feel like I'm 60. Something. Like, I haven't been able to work out in weeks. The knee sort of has take. It's just taken everything off balance on your body when you're on crutches for four weeks. So my back is hurting and my ass is hurting, and I just feel old this week. So I haven't really felt, like, the need to go out and celebrate. I just feel old. I'm ready for Kevorkin to come in and just let me.

[Jen]

Oh, dude, let me go.

[Bert]

Let me go.

[Jeff]

Because you're gonna be 43 tomorrow, but I think that you're typically a young 43.

[Bert]

Well, I was kind of talking about

[Jeff]

it over the weekend about different people. You can know people who are, like, 50, and they're a young 50. Or you can know people who are 50 and they've got, like, one foot in the grave, and they just like, oh, they can't do anything anymore. And, like, they almost use this as

[Andy]

an excuse, but they were that way at 25.

[Bert]

They might have been.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jen]

You know what I mean?

[Andy]

Personality.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jen]

I don't look at Bert as a young 47 or. How old are you?

[Bert]

25.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Jen]

I look at you as an old 25.

[Bert]

I think I'm just feeling it this year. You know, I think, like, mentally I was out there ready to go play soccer, so I started playing with younger people, and I got. I got jacked up. So I just feel like I feel the number. Normally, I don't feel the number, and this year I just feel that number. So, yeah, that's where I'm at right now. Hey, Stacy. Good morning. You are on Q100. Hi.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Hey.

[Bert]

Hey. I just wanted to say that I love you guys.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Of course. And you completely did not tell us

[Bert]

that you've been talking to your dad. I didn't. I never mentioned it to you?

[Jen]

No.

[Bert]

Really?

[Jed]

That's the first time.

[Andy]

Forgot that one.

[Bert]

Yeah. When did it all start? There's a couple of months ago. Well, let's get into this then, for a second. A couple of months ago. Must have been about five months ago. And I haven't seen a therapist for all this, you know, still trying to deal with this crap. There's another reason I'm lean. I can't believe I'm dealing with some of these kid issues at 43 years old. It just seems ridiculous to me.

[Jeff]

So, you know, some people never deal with them.

[Bert]

That's what my therapist said. So, yeah, I called my dad in the wrong profession.

[Jen]

But Jen didn't charge you 200 bucks an hour to tell you that.

[Bert]

Or maybe she did. So, yeah, I called my dad up a couple of months ago, and, you know, I put it out all on table, man. I'm like, you know, this is where I'm at, dad. You know, I know that you're calling a lot here, but I'm just. I just got this wall up, man. I mean, it's been a lot of years of you doing some pretty bad things and hurting me and hurting my family. And I know what you're trying to do, and I want to be there with you, man, but my heart's just not in it. So we talked on the phone for about 45 minutes, and he said something to me, and he's like, bert, I have been apologizing to you for 25 or 30 years now. I didn't tell you guys any of this?

[Jen]

No, no.

[Bert]

He said, I've been apologizing to you now for 25 years, I've told you, I know I was a crappy father. I know I haven't been there for you. I know, I know, I know. But there's nothing else I can do about it at this point. I am so sorry. What do I have to do? And we Talked for about 30 minutes more, and I sort of unleashed on him a little bit and just kind of piled on and. And he's like, is that it? Because I really. I really feel like I want to move forward in this relationship. He said, I'm 73 years old. I know I don't have a whole hell of a lot of time left, but I'd like to make it right now. So what else do I gotta do? That was pretty much it. So we talk every week, and I still feel a wall up whenever we talk, but it's starting to come down now. Like, I almost tweeted this weekend that I just got off the phone with my dad and I laughed the whole time. And that's the first time in 20 something years that that has ever happened. He had me in stitches this weekend.

[Jen]

Well, just so you know, if you had done that, I would have gone to bed earlier Sunday night thinking that you were back on the pain pills. I'm like, wow, Burt's out Monday.

[Bert]

It might be a dream, I don't know. But there's always a part of me that will always have sort of my arm up, keeping him at arm's length, but I'm just doing the best I can in this relationship, and that's really where we're at right now.

[Jeff]

Do you think that that's a result of the therapy, your openness to it?

[Bert]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jeff]

Most times I just wondered if you

[Christine]

thought it was working.

[Bert]

Yeah, I think so in that area for sure. So that's where I'm at with my dad.

[Andy]

That's cool.

[Bert]

And it's just strange to have somebody that you can actually like. Most of you guys probably have gone to your dad for advice and stuff before, and I wasn't calling him to talk about my age. He just, for the first time, maybe in my life, said something that made sense to me. And it just happened to be about growing older and always thinking that your body can do things that you just can't do anymore. So it was cool conversation. So that might have been a birthday present in itself right there, you know? So it was cool week. I can't believe I haven't told you guys about any of that.

[Jeff]

I think the cool part Is you're not gonna repeat those patterns with your sons.

[Bert]

No, I'm going the other way with it. Totally the other way with it. Christine is on hold. Hey, Christine, can we get to you here in a couple of minutes so we can hear about your weekend with your brother?

[Joy]

Yeah, sure.

[Bert]

Okay. Hold on one sec. All right? We still gotta catch up with her. I could have sworn I told you guys this story. I know you're so confused. People are calling saying I did tell this story.

[Jen]

No, they're not.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Hey, Joy. Hey, Bert.

[Joy]

How you doing?

[Jen]

I'm okay.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

When did you say, hey, I'm your number one fan? You did mention this a couple of months ago. I think Jeff was in negotiation. Melissa was on the couch in Farmville

[Joy]

and whatever else was going on.

[Bert]

But you did.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Because I was pumping gas at QT and I said, oh, there you go.

[Andy]

I would have been in the barn in Farmville, not on the couch. So your story is not correct.

[Jen]

Joy, I'm not sure if you heard this update, but everything that happened while I wasn't here never really happened.

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[Bert]

I thought it was safe.

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[Bert]

We are going to talk to Betty, who told us it looked like she was going to be competing for a guy over the weekend with, like, her best friend. Remember that story? This is from Betty.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Joy]

My friend who I knew back in, like, ninth grade, who I always thought I would marry, left, lives in California now, and he's about to get a ticket to come back to Georgia, and he's supposed to stay with me for like two Weeks until he gets a place with him and his son.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Joy]

The thing is, I'm totally in love with him. And so is a friend of mine I'm not supposed to be. And they've been having plans to reconnect for, like, the past year.

[Bert]

Okay, now you guys remember Betty.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Bert]

From over the weekend. So let's find out how this all turned out. Hey, Betty. Good morning.

[Christine]

Hello. So how you doing?

[Bert]

Okay. You sound tired, girl. You sound really tired.

[Joy]

Oh, I'm tired, but not for the reasons y' all think.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Joy]

So my grandma made home and, you know, she. I spent the night there, but nothing happened. He didn't make it in because of some legal issues. So he will be here hopefully this week.

[Andy]

So he didn't even come into town this weekend?

[Joy]

No, he didn't make it into town.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Okay.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Andy]

So there's no winner or loser yet?

[Joy]

No, no winner or loser. Well, there's going to be two losers.

[Bert]

Okay, so no real update. How's your grandma doing?

[Christine]

Grandma is great.

[Joy]

She's at home. She's sleeping now. We just have to, you know, convince her to rehabilitate.

[Andy]

All right, good.

[Bert]

That's easier said than done. Sometimes with grandparents.

[The Bird Show Announcer]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Okay, so we'll catch up with you at another time and find out what's going on with this whole triangle thing. Okay.

[Joy]

All right, I'll let you know what happens.

[Bert]

All right. Betty, I hope your grandma's okay.

[Christine]

Thank you. All right.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Bye.

[Joy]

Bye.

[The Bird Show Announcer]

The bird show.

[Bert]

Here is Christine. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Christine]

Christine, good morning.

[Bert]

Hi. How are you?

[Christine]

I'm good, thank you.

[Bert]

Okay. So going into the weekend, your brother was gonna tell your parents that he hasn't been going to school in quite a while. College. They had no idea. That was the bad news. The good news is that he made a fortune in iPhone applications. And, I mean, he was. He's, like, ready to retire.

[Christine]

Well, I mean, it's a good computer company. They do some applications and some other things. I don't know. He tried to explain it to me, but, yeah, he told them and they were happy, but they kind of don't believe him.

[Jed]

So.

[Jen]

What's that?

[Bert]

You gotta set the scene for us. So are you guys all in the same room together? And, you know, he sits them down and says, you might want to sit down for this. Or how does it all work?

[Christine]

Well, we were having dinner, like a family dinner, like get together. And that's when he sat down and he was like, mom, Dad, I have something to tell you. And I was bracing myself because they really want us to go to college. And even then, even after he told them, like my mom said, well, you know, if you're making that much money, then maybe you should go back to college too and finish your degree, because computer stuff's not really reliable.

[Bert]

Was there any part of them initially that was really upset that he sort of lived this lie to them for a couple of years?

[Christine]

Oh, yeah, Yeah. I mean, at first they were. They were like, what are you talking about? You know, we thought, you know, you were going to school. But then they were really happy. I mean, they're happy that he's doing well, but I don't think they really quite believe how big it is for him. They don't get it.

[Jed]

What news did he want? Go ahead.

[Christine]

I'm just gonna say they won't. They don't want him to pay off their mortgage at all.

[Jeff]

Oh, really?

[Jed]

I'm just a dad.

[Andy]

Let that happen.

[Jed]

I'm just wondering what order he started off with. Do you tell your parents the good news first or do you tell your parents the bad news first?

[Christine]

Oh, no, he started off with the bad news.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Christine]

He figured he'd get that out of

[Andy]

the way, so he told. Okay. And then he told him that he owned a computer company that did apps and.

[Christine]

Yeah. Which they really didn't understand.

[Andy]

And how much money does he make? Because we never really got that on Friday.

[Christine]

Well, he told me his company makes, like, has made about a million a year for the last two years. I don't exactly know the amount that he gives himself out of that. I know he's been giving himself a decent portion of that.

[Bert]

Didn't you say it was enough that he could afford a beach house or something like that though?

[Christine]

Well, he rented a beach house for the summer.

[Bert]

Okay. He's still doing okay for himself.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Even if he could pay off his parents mortgage, you know, were you there while it was all going down? Were you sitting with them?

[Christine]

Yeah, I just kind of sat there and watched.

[Jeff]

Did you secretly hope he was gonna go down like that? Little twit. He hasn't been in school for two years. I hope he gets in trouble.

[Christine]

No, I'm proud of him. Like, I'm really proud of him. I wish I had come up with this.

[Bert]

So at the end of the day, like, I feel like I'm missing something here. At the end of the day, I. Are they happy for him? Are they upset, like.

[Christine]

No, no, no. They're very happy for them. Sorry. They're very happy for him, but I think they still want him to go back to school?

[Andy]

Well, you said that they don't believe him. Like, they.

[Christine]

Well, they just. They're very skeptical about how much money he's making.

[Andy]

Yeah, because it's. To me, from their perspective, it sounds like that he's kind of embellished the story so that he could justify not going back to school. So they're like, okay, that's great, honey. That's fine. Well, how about you go back to school? You know? So is he going to have to prove to them somehow?

[Christine]

Yeah, probably. But, I mean. I mean, they do believe him. I just don't think they believe the scale of it.

[Bert]

Do you know, they probably don't even understand, like, what an iPhone application is. Like, do they get what it is?

[Christine]

They know it's for the phone. It's something you do on your phone. That's about it.

[Andy]

Well, that's cute, honey. That's great. Now you just go back to school.

[Jed]

I'm still kind of skeptical. Well, now I'm skeptical. Have you seen, like, proof of all this money?

[Christine]

I mean. Yeah, he's. Well, I mean, in terms of him taking me places and hanging out with me and, you know, he's been really helpful with my, like, rent and stuff.

[Jen]

Why do you think you would make it up? Like, why are you skeptical, Andy?

[Jed]

Well, I don't know. I'm just coming from a parent's perspective because there's no real proof. Like, there's no money being shelled out. There's no paycheck being given. How do you really know he's making all this money and just, like, not flaking out just because he doesn't want to go to college. I could say, I don't want to go to college, but I could be working at a department store and say, hey, I have the million dollar company and just be hanging out.

[Christine]

He's walked me through his office before, but he. He made me promise not to say anything.

[Bert]

But you're.

[Christine]

See, that made me upset maybe, right?

[Jed]

Just kind of strange.

[Andy]

Did you find out what app, like a sample app that he.

[Christine]

It was like, a couple of them, and I can't. I can't remember. It had something to do with finding things. Finding things in the city that you need to find. I don't really remember. Can you find exactly, like, bathrooms or whatever?

[Bert]

Finding bathrooms in the city that you.

[Christine]

That was one of them. There was a whole bunch.

[Andy]

Well, I could see where I could.

[Christine]

If that was the one I remember.

[Andy]

I would use that. If you needed a public restroom. If you're somewhere.

[Jen]

Bathroom directory.

[Bert]

If my brother is making a couple of million dollars, I'm like, let me see what you're doing, dude.

[Jed]

Exactly. I'd be asking what the name of the apps are. I'd be downloading them, telling my parents what they are.

[Bert]

But at the end of the. At the end of the day, we

[Christine]

don't have any iPhones in our house.

[Bert]

Is he gonna be going back to school?

[Christine]

He's not really excited about that. I don't think he wants to go back to school.

[Bert]

Something's amiss.

[Jed]

Yeah, something's wrong.

[Christine]

But they'll push. My mom will push for it, though.

[Jeff]

It's her nervous laughter.

[Jen]

I know. Jen, don't say it because then it's the only thing I can hear right now. So don't say it publicly because everybody will be listening.

[Bert]

It just seems so vague. It just seems so vague. Here's Aaron.

[Jeff]

My mom said go back to school.

[Bert]

Why are you being me?

[Jeff]

Not. I'm just saying she's laughing at things that aren't funny.

[Bert]

Hey, Aaron.

[Jen]

Good Morning.

[Bert]

You're on Q11.

[Aaron]

Hey, how's it going? I was just calling in saying my younger brother does iPhone apps and he does it on the side and you completely make bank off of it just by being a little successful at doing it. He had a app in the top 20 for a little bit. I was making thousands of dollars a month.

[Jeff]

Oh, wow.

[Andy]

Wow.

[Bert]

So it's possible.

[Aaron]

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, it's very possible. So I mean, if you. If you can release five or six small applications every single month, you could, you could bring in a good $100,000 a year. Wow.

[Andy]

Wow.

[Bert]

Okay. All right. Thank you for calling, Aaron, and thank you, Christine. Appreciate it.

[Andy]

Yeah. How many people right now said I'm in the wrong business? Yeah, right.

[Jed]

Seriously, I wish I knew more about computers.

[Christine]

Me too.

[Bert]

All right, Christine, thanks for the update. Appreciate it.

[Christine]

All right, thank you.

[Lady Luck]

Bye.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Bye.

[Christine]

Bye.

[Bert]

Something just sounds a little.

[Lady Luck]

Yeah.

[Jen]

At some point in that conversation, Jen pointed out her nervous laughter after every single sentence.

[Lady Luck]

And I.

[Jen]

From that point on, I couldn't tell you one thing that she said.

[The Bird Show Announcer]

Hey, the bird show.

[Jed]

Hey, everybody.

[Lady Luck Bretzky]

Lady luck here. And we're celebrating America's 250th birthday. Now, all summer long, I'm going to be celebrating by playing on spinquest.com, which is an American owned social casino. It obviously features over 1000 slot games and live blackjack, live craps, live bubble craps. Head on over to spinquest.com, get yourself a $30 coin pack for just 10 bucks.

[Spinquest Announcer]

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[LifeLock Announcer]

You're great at protecting your data, but lots of places could still expose you to identity theft.

[Bert]

I thought I was safe.

[LifeLock Announcer]

If that happens, LifeLock gives you a US restoration agent who will stick by your side from start to finish. Phone calls, filing documentation, preparing insurance claims. Your agent handles it all. In fact, we're so confident Restoration is guaranteed for your money back. Isn't it nice to have someone like that on your side? Save up to 30% with promo code [e-mail] Terms apply.

[Bert]

The bird show all right, the assignment this weekend for Brandon. It's our intern. Brandon's at Mike Music. Told us he had no game, so we sent him out with my friend Dolvett, who's got plenty of game for both of them to learn a little bit. The only thing I know is that Brandon came back in this morning and he said he's got a new @Mike song and a new attitude. There you go.

[Melissa]

It was one of the most interesting nights of my life.

[Bert]

Interesting nights.

[Melissa]

Interesting.

[Bert]

Interesting.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Bert]

Alright, how does the night start here?

[Melissa]

Oh, it's starts off that I get a call from Dovette on Friday afternoon right before we go to coach the game. And he's like, I'm gonna call you Saturday. It's gonna be a big day, be ready for it. So Saturday, wake up, get another call. Says he wants me to go get my hair cut. Which nobody beforehand had ever said anything bad about my hair. Said I need to shave. Which nobody has said anything bad about the pride of the goatee I was working on.

[Bert]

We hinted at it a little bit on Friday.

[Jed]

You still have the goatee.

[Melissa]

So I mean, I can't shave this off for us. I look like I'm 12. So I still get ID to go buy lotto tickets.

[Dolph]

So if it was up to me, it'd be a head to toe transformation, by the way. But that's just me. Go B.

[Melissa]

So I went to Roosters. They hooked me up over there, Kayla and Trista. So then after that, met up with Dolvett and the night began.

[Bert]

What time was this now when you guys finally linked up?

[Dolph]

Seven o'.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Clock.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Melissa]

I was there at 6:30 as he told me to, but somebody has a little punctuation issue.

[Bretzky]

No.

[Dolph]

You know, young sensei, you have to be patient. You have to learn. Yeah, please, young one, continue.

[Melissa]

I had to learn how to be patient.

[Dolph]

Continue.

[Jen]

He does that when he's Training people at the gym too. He's like 12 more. And then you get to 12 and he's like. I said 12 more.

[Dolph]

Exactly 11. Keep going.

[Melissa]

So after that we went to.

[Bert]

Oh wait, wait, wait, let's back up a second. So you meet up where at 7

[Dolph]

o' clock at my gym. At the studio?

[Jed]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Body sculptor.

[Bert]

What's your first impression when you walk in the door and you see him? Is he dressed for the night?

[Dolph]

No, he's not. He's dressed to mold alone or to hang out with the boys at the pub. You know what I mean?

[Melissa]

Coach a basketball game. We'll get into that.

[Dolph]

Coach a basketball game somewhere in that world.

[Bert]

So you coached the basketball game and you went straight from there to go out?

[Dolph]

Yeah, dude, he like, he was about to work out. Seriously. I was like, okay, let's go, let's go, you know, do some reps real quick. Swear to God.

[Melissa]

I mean it was a tight schedule

[Bert]

so you know, you couldn't bring like different clothes or something?

[Melissa]

I had different clothes. But what'd you say about khakis?

[Dolph]

Oh, he said, I asked him what do you have to wear? He said, well, you know, I got some jeans from Walmart. Okay, where are your sneakers? You know, you got shoes? Well, I got some dress shoes. I guess I could wear those with my khakis. I said, khakis are forbidden.

[Bert]

They're forbidden.

[Dolph]

You do not wear khakis.

[Bert]

Yeah, that's anti swagger. What's wrong with you? That's anti swagger, isn't it?

[Dolph]

Oh my. We're gonna learn so much.

[Jen]

You can wear it now if you've got a part time job at Best Buy. Then if you're gonna golfing. Yeah, there's your khakis.

[Bert]

So he pulls up in his khakis,

[Dolph]

you know, he has on his jeans

[Jeff]

that whole like Georgia boy look like those guys wear khakis all the time with the worn in hat, you know,

[Dolph]

Do I look like a Georgia?

[Jeff]

I'm just saying khakis may not work for you, but they like some guys can pull them off.

[Bert]

There's only one I go back to. The results have been for the last two years. Exactly what are the results been? So khaki jeans.

[Jeff]

I'm just saying in this specific case it fits, but not always.

[Bert]

But it hasn't worked for two years. That's what he was saying is like if you've been doing khakis for two years, you got.

[Melissa]

No, I don't wear khakis out.

[Dolph]

Like I don't want this that's what you suggested.

[Melissa]

They were in my bag.

[Dolph]

In order to change, you gotta change, period.

[Bert]

Okay, so your first place after the gym is where.

[Melissa]

Oh, we went to straights.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Dolph]

Ate really good, took good care of us.

[Bert]

I mean, so you initially get him in there and how's he doing?

[Dolph]

Well, by now it's just dinner. So we're just sitting at dinner. We're eating or social. That was my opportunity to get to know him better, to kind of know where to take the night.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Dolph]

And that's exactly what we did.

[Jed]

But he didn't change his clothes.

[Dolph]

Not at all.

[Jed]

Aw, man.

[Dolph]

No, I didn't look like a bum. Okay?

[Jed]

So I'm just trying to set the scene. Jeans and tennis shoes. Okay.

[Dolph]

Jeans, tennis shoes, shirt.

[Bert]

Just not dressed to impress. Just to go out to, like, a pub, like you said.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dolph]

He was a pub guy.

[Bert]

Look at Brandon's mouth. You need this. It's hard to hear, but this is your. This is your swag intervention.

[Dolph]

Tough love.

[Bert]

Okay, so let's get to the part where. Let's get to the part where he starts. That you start to introduce him to, like, some girls or you're at a club or. Where'd you take him after that?

[Dolph]

We went to Palomar after that, which is right around the corner from straights. And, you know, say, you know, let's go to the bar real quick and hang out. Nice venue. And we went upstairs and we met a couple young ladies. Well, I said, okay, Brandon, I'm gonna do what I do. So I went over, introduced myself to a couple young ladies.

[Melissa]

I'm gonna do what I do.

[Lemonade Pet Insurance Announcer]

I do what I do.

[Dolph]

I invited them over, I mentioned the show, and they introduced themselves, which is what you do.

[Jen]

You're like, hi, I'm Dolphin.

[Dolph]

I'm Dolph in the Bird show. You may have heard of me. You've heard of me, I'm sure. No, no, I don't do that. So the girls came over. Ironically enough, it was two young ladies. I offered to buy them their drinks. And they said one of their girlfriends was. Happened to be her 21st birthday. They were out that night helping her celebrate. Okay, let me say this. Prior to that introduction, he was sitting at the bar, kind of hunched over, looking at the game.

[Melissa]

Discovery Channel.

[Dolph]

Discovery Channel.

[Christine]

Damn.

[Dolph]

He just looked bored.

[Bert]

You're uncomfortable.

[Melissa]

Yeah, a little bit. I chatted up with the bartender, found out I played baseball against him.

[Dolph]

So, yeah. And that's what him and jets going on.

[Bert]

So Dovette now is on his own, and he's getting two women to bring over, and you're chatting up, talking baseball with the bartender.

[Dolph]

Right, right.

[Jed]

Who's a guy. Who's a guy should be chatting.

[Dolph]

And he was so happy. He went from. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, and then the praise. And I didn't know. I think you played against me and Jeff Rank and all these. Oh, my.

[Melissa]

Jeff brought it up first that he played against. He went to Parkview and he played against me.

[Dolph]

But that was the. Happy as you were in the first three hours.

[Jen]

In any time during that conversation, did you make a tent in your khakis?

[Melissa]

No.

[Jen]

Because we may be looking at a bigger issue here.

[Dolph]

Is that a baseball, Jeff?

[Melissa]

I had on my Spanx, so I was really looking slim. I had my man Spanx on. I was looking real slim.

[Bert]

So you're nervous at this point because he breaks away and, you know, he's bringing two girls over. Honestly, you must have been a little nervous.

[Melissa]

A little.

[Dolph]

Okay, you know what? I gotta be honest with you. I didn't see nervous because the girls came over, and again, he lit up like they were talking about baseball. I mean, he was telling jokes and being all witty. And now, mind you, it was three girls. I had his. He had. I was looking at his back the entire time. He didn't turn around. He was just, dunno. And this is funny. And, you know, and he started. I'm like, who is this guy?

[Bert]

So he turned it on.

[Dolph]

He turned it on. I was so proud.

[LifeLock Announcer]

Nice.

[Dolph]

So proud of Young Gun.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Dolph]

Young Gun did this thing. I said to myself, if he had on some Gucci shoes, boy, I tell you, go home.

[Melissa]

I'm telling you, looking at me. Does anything about me say Gucci?

[Dolph]

Not yet, Young sensei.

[Melissa]

We're still working.

[Bert]

All right, So, I mean, the first test is pretty good. He's doing okay. He's got game.

[Dolph]

He's doing good. He's doing good. I mean, it went from him talking to them at the bar, the three ladies, to inviting them out on the patio. We're sitting down, we're, you know, having cocktails, and he's still talking. Still.

[Jen]

Now, was it like a legitimate thing to the patio, or did he invite him out to have, like, a contest to see who could throw ice cubes the farthest?

[Dolph]

It was actually legitimate. He actually, like, you know, he's doing

[Bert]

this all on his own.

[Jeff]

So the girls are, like, laughing, having

[Dolph]

fun, having a great time.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Okay.

[Dolph]

Okay, great time. Everyone's having a good time. I'm really, truly, honestly surprised at how he stood up to the plate, so to speak.

[Bert]

I'm shocked right now.

[Melissa]

I'm sure the Jager bombs really did help that situation.

[Dolph]

Did I mention Jager bombs?

[Bert]

And he doesn't drink.

[Dolph]

Yeah. When I said. He got in the car and I said, okay, you know, what's your drink of choice? He said, pepsi. I said, not with me. We are gonna have some drinks tonight. Hate it or love it, you drink it tonight.

[Bert]

It's not a Pepsi and khaki night tonight.

[Lady Luck]

Okay.

[Bretzky]

You know what?

[Jen]

It's almost. I actually think Brandon has developed into. Into, like, a niche of opposite. You're opposite, man. Like, you're going out with dolphat and you put on khakis. Like. No, I don't. I just don't think, like, you're in Atlanta, Georgia, and somebody says, what do you want to drink? You're the guy, the one guy who says, Pepsi.

[Bert]

Right?

[Dolph]

Exactly.

[Jen]

Exactly. Like you are.

[Melissa]

I refuse to drink Coke. So when I go out to, like, why?

[Bert]

Because you're from the North.

[Melissa]

I grew up near a Pepsi bottling plant, so.

[Bert]

She's got loyalties, man.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Bert]

Anyway. All right, we're getting off message here.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Dolph]

And so after that, I think. No. He exchanged numbers with one of the girls.

[Jed]

Did you?

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Bert]

You got a number?

[Dolph]

Yeah, actually, he did that at the bar before we went on the patio. And I tell you, I've never had a prouder moment. I've never had a prouder moment my entire life.

[Bert]

So at this point, then, what seems to be the problem? Dude says he's got no swag outside the khakis.

[Dolph]

He's doing wonderful.

[Bert]

You gotta keep this attitude.

[Dolph]

He had a. Once. Once. I pushed the ladies on him. He was ready. He was just in his zone.

[Jen]

Nice.

[Dolph]

He had a good time. He was witty, he was funny. He engaging to them everything that I thought he wouldn't be. I expected that hunch. Little kid over on the bar, he was the total opposite.

[Bert]

At any point in the night, did he approach any women by himself?

[Dolph]

No.

[Bert]

Okay. So that's the thing to focus on right there.

[Dolph]

That's the issue in terms of him just saying hi, walking up to them, and I think that would be part two.

[Jeff]

A lot of guys feel that way. Like, they don't know what their opening line should be because they feel like they have to have a line.

[Dolph]

I think we talked about this the first time.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Dolph]

I think your opening line is your name. Just introduce yourself. If you're interested in her, just walk to her and say, hi, I'm Brandon. Shake her hand. Look her in her eyes and don't let her hand go until she says her name.

[Jen]

Hi, I'm Brandon. Have you heard John Smoltz doing his play? By plays, I mean, he was a fantastic picture and he's also a fantastic commentator.

[Bert]

Can I buy you a Pepsi?

[Lady Luck]

Get it.

[The Bird Show Announcer]

The Bird show.

[Bretzky]

Oh, I have had no luck lately. Wait.

[Lady Luck Bretzky]

Lady Luck Bretzky. I got you. I've had so much luck on spinquest.com they have all of my favorite games. Slot games, live, blackjack, craps and bubble craps. You can even get a 30 coin pack for just 10 bucks.

[Bretzky]

10 bucks for 30. I'm headed over to spinquest.com right now.

[Spinquest Announcer]

Spin Quest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[LifeLock Announcer]

Lots of places can expose you to identity theft.

[Bert]

Oh, no.

[LifeLock Announcer]

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[The Bird Show Announcer]

You're on the Birch Show.

[Jen]

I think we. Because today is Bert's birthday.

[Bert]

Yep.

[Jen]

Happy 48.

[Bert]

I'm not 48.

[Jeff]

You know what, Bert? 50 is the new 40.

[Bert]

I'm not 50. I had yesterday. Yesterday someone said, you know, 40 is the new 30. And I said, you know, a 40 year old came with that. I'm talking to 30 year olds and they say 30 is the new 20. So no, it's not. 40 is 40 and 30 is 30.

[Andy]

Yeah. No, it's not.

[Bert]

And 50 is not the new 40 and 60 is not the new 50.

[Jeff]

Little kids think you're ain't after you're the age of 18.

[Bert]

Yeah, I remember doing the math like back in the day to see how old I was going to be when I was 30. Man, that is so far.

[Jen]

Wait, what? Back in the day you did the math to see how old you would be when you were 30?

[Bert]

Well, you know what year it was going to be when you were going to be 30? 30. And just thinking, wow, so far in the future. So far in the future.

[Andy]

That'll never happen. We'll have flying cars by then.

[Jen]

So I have actually a technical question for Wendy and Jen and Melissa.

[Jed]

Okay.

[Jen]

Because Burt is reaching the age where he may actually start buying clothing from qvc. Do we still participate in QVC roulette?

[Jed]

Yes, absolutely.

[Jeff]

This is so much fun. You know, Paula Deen was on there yesterday.

[Jed]

Really?

[Lady Luck]

No.

[Bert]

We're not roughly the same age, me and Paula Deen.

[Jeff]

I'm just saying she's a friend of the show.

[Jen]

So do you want to call now?

[Jed]

Sure.

[Bert]

The way that this has worked in past years is that we don't have QVC on in the studio. So we call the 1-800-number. And whatever is what they're selling is what these guys collectively have to buy for me Today, on my birthday. Do the same thing from Melissa on her birthday. And Jen. So, yeah, I'm ready to go. Was it one year?

[Jeff]

Didn't we do on my birthday?

[Lemonade Pet Insurance Announcer]

Were you here?

[Jed]

She sure was.

[Jeff]

We're always on Burt's Big Adventure on my birthday, so we don't ever call tv.

[Bert]

You get the gift of hanging out with the Burt's Big Adventure families.

[Jeff]

That's a good gift. You're right, it is. No, it is.

[Bert]

And today, Jed, it's not about you. Oh, okay.

[Jeff]

Every day, Melissa's in a bad mood.

[Dolph]

Great.

[Jen]

I know. Hey, Bert, for your birthday, Melissa's in a good mood.

[Jed]

I know.

[Bert]

She won't be by the end of the break.

[Melissa]

I know.

[Jen]

For your birthday, Bert, I'm just gonna try to give you a smile. Cause it seems to be lacking in the room today. I don't know what Jeff so mad about. Weather's beautiful.

[Bert]

God, you keep talking. When does he stop?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Welcome to QVC. To place an order or obtain product information, press 1.

[Bert]

We all agree whatever's on the screen, you're buying, right?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Yep. At the moment, all of our rep. Hi, this is Linda with qvc. How can I help you?

[Bert]

Hey, Linda with qvc. My name is Bert, and we're doing a show on the radio right now in Atlanta. And what we really need to know right now is what are you currently selling on the screen at qvc?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

We're selling a blouse.

[LifeLock Announcer]

A blouse.

[Jen]

Awesome.

[Bert]

Can you give me a little more description of that?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

We're not allowed to do that when we're at work.

[Jen]

You're not allowed to describe what you're

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

selling at work unless you're ordering. I'm sorry.

[Bert]

Oh, yeah, we're planning on ordering.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

What did you want to order? What's on air?

[Andy]

Yes, ma'.

[Joy]

Am.

[Jen]

We have a tradition that when it's somebody's birthday on our show, we call qvc and we buy them whatever's on the screen.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Oh, really?

[Andy]

Yes, yes.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

It's a denim and company solid gauze, utility shirt with contrast stitching. It's 2217.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Jen]

It's got. It's a utility.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

It's all utility pockets. Little pockets on it. And size.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Bert]

I'm not really sure.

[Jed]

What color is it?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Black, fuchsia, clear, aqua, medium green, purple and yellow.

[Bert]

You think it's going to be hot? You think it'll be slimming?

[Jed]

Do you want the fuchsia, Bert?

[Bert]

Yeah, I'll take that in fuchsia.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Sure. What size?

[Bert]

I'm a petite.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Well, what is the. Petite is the size you wear.

[Jen]

He's got extremely, oddly big Popeye arms, but a tiny little waist.

[Bert]

Very small. What's a small?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

You want a small in the future?

[Bert]

Yes.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Do you have an account with us?

[Bert]

I believe we do. Why don't I put you on hold? And this purchase is going to be how much?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

I haven't gotten that far yet.

[Jeff]

Oh, but she said it was 22 something.

[Bert]

22 something dollars.

[Jen]

2217. Is there a way that we can split this up into six even payments on our credit card?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

No.

[Bert]

You are just so not amused by us at all. Not even a little. I mean, not even a little bit, right?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

No. I think you're playing.

[Bert]

No, we're not playing.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

What's Your telephone number?

[Bert]

404-741-7100.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

That doesn't come from my system. What's your zip code?

[Bert]

30342.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

What's your last name?

[Bert]

100.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

100. No. You don't have a count with us. I'm sorry.

[Bert]

All right, well, we're going to start an account because I want that fuchsia shirt.

[Jen]

And just because of the great customer service, we're going to order two.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

What city do you live in?

[Bert]

Atlanta. What city do you live in?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

We're in Chesapeake, Virginia.

[Bert]

Is there some weird sexual chemistry going on between you and I right now?

[Jen]

Is that what.

[Bert]

Is that what I'm feeling?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

No, But I think I'm gonna let this call go.

[Bert]

Are you sure?

[Andy]

There's.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Would you like to speak to a supervisor?

[Bert]

No. I want to talk to you.

[Christine]

No.

[Bert]

Come on.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

I'm gonna transfer you to a supervisor, okay? Okay.

[Bert]

All right.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

I'll transfer you. See? One moment, please.

[Jed]

What's your name?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

My name is Linda.

[Jed]

Linda.

[Jen]

Linda.

[Bert]

Bye, Linda.

[Joy]

Bye.

[Jen]

Listen, we can't fault her.

[Bert]

She was flirty. She wanted me. She wanted me so bad. That's the same attitude I've gotten my whole life. That's how I know a woman wants me.

[Melissa]

Just so you know, if they sound

[Bert]

like that, I know they dig me.

[Jen]

When you were out with your busted up knee. We got Melissa a nice tunic and the woman was adorable. She was so nice and she, I know, answered all of our questions and helped with sizes and everything.

[Bert]

Well, I think Linda there fears intimacy and she felt what I was feeling and I think that's why she was so rude. That's why the wall was up.

[Jen]

Why did she hate us? I was waiting for her to break off and. A little girl. Little girl.

[Melissa]

You a little girl.

[The Bird Show Announcer]

Listen, it's the vert show.

[Bert]

Hey, everybody.

[Lady Luck Bretzky]

Lady luck here. And we're celebrating America's 250th birthday. Now, all summer long, I'm going to be celebrating by playing on spinquest.com which is an American owned social casino. It obviously features over a thousand slot games and live blackjack, live craps, live bubble craps. Head on over to spinquest.com get yourself a $30 coin pack for just 10 bucks.

[Spinquest Announcer]

Spin Quest is a free to play social casino, Boyd. Where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.