Full Show PT 1: Thursday, May 7 [Vault]

Summary

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The Bert Show — Full Show PT 1: Thursday, May 7 [Vault]

Date: May 7, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode delivers the Bert Show’s signature blend of humor, candor, and listener participation. The main themes include:

• A deep-dive with Atlanta ghost hunters about recent paranormal investigations and chilling audio evidence
• A spirited debate about men sitting vs. standing to pee and what it says about relationships, compromise, and “manhood”
• A candid “office flirtation” dissection, with studio guests hashing out boundaries, signals, and reactions
• A playful, escalating sports debate about “athleticism”—culminating in a surprise on-air call from Atlanta Hawks’ center Zaza Pachulia to accept a host’s soccer challenge

Throughout, the team keeps things light, authentic, and engaging, blending laugh-out-loud moments with moments of self-reflection and insight.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Moments

1. Ghost Hunters & Paranormal Audio [00:01–13:34]

Who Are the Atlanta Ghost Hunters?

• Andy, from Atlanta Ghost Hunters, explains their process: “We look for things that can actually be quantified, things that can be recorded, reviewed, things like that. We just really go for the scientific side of it versus the seance side of it.” (Andy, 01:19)
• Their approach shuns seances; instead, they're mobile, seeking Electronic Voice Phenomena (EVPs).

The Investigation

• Andy shares findings from a confidential location (private metro Atlanta school with multiple old buildings and known deaths).
  • “The voices that we caught had nothing to do with any of the old age people that would have died there… just wild, random things that we catch…” (Andy, 04:20)

Chilling Audio Clips

• Clip 1: “Skinheads”? [05:23]
  • Team debates what is being said ("skinheads" vs. "butterflies" or "sinners"). Listeners are urged to phone in if they hear something else.
  • “It clearly sounds like to us that it says skinheads. Skinheads.” (Andy, 05:23)
• Clip 2: “Help” [07:07]
  • “We catch ‘help’ all the time. It just absolutely freaks us out…” (Andy, 07:25)
• Clip 3: “One More Time”? [09:07]
  • The group has fun guessing the phrase, leading to jokes about “Kwanzaa Hall for City Council.”
• Clip 4: Child’s and Man’s Whisper [10:34]
  • Owner asks, “Can you stomp on the floor?”
  • Andy hears, “Do they hear me?” (little girl) and, “I don’t know.” (man, possibly British accent).
  • “Anytime you catch kids, it’s always freaky.” (Andy, 12:00)

Existential Reflection

• Andy questions if EVPs are truly spirits of the dead:
  • “Maybe heaven and hell is nothing more than just a different dimension that exists in the same time and space...” (Andy, 08:25)

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2. The Great Bathroom Debate: Sitting vs. Standing [13:41–23:27]

The Trigger

• Jeff tried sitting down to pee after a friend’s advice—primarily for cleanliness and preventing “splash issues.”
  • “He had good working prostate or whatever… so the water would splash out of the toilet and onto the wall.” (Jeff, 14:22)

Listener Reactions

• Bert: “To sit down to pee is against your nature!” (Bert, 15:26)
• Michelle calls in: “I've told him he needs to sit down or scrub it.” (Michelle, 15:58)
• Email from “Chad” laments: “When did this guy lose his… testicles?... This has zero to do with peeing sitting down and everything to do with what’s wrong with half the marriages in this country.” (Chad/Bert, 17:25)
• The group dissects issues of control, compromise, and “mothering” in relationships.

Balanced Call-In Perspective

• Collins, listener from Africa, shares his family’s expectations:
  • “I don't think it's out of the ordinary or unreasonable… you do not lose what makes you a man just by compromising with your wife.” (Collins, 22:32)
• Cassie: “If you want to stand up and pee… then clean up after yourself. The problem is you won’t clean up after yourself.” (Cassie, 23:02)

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3. “Office Boyfriend” Drama: Flirtation, Boundaries & Ego [23:48–39:39]

The Triangle

• Southside Steve (from Rock 100.5) has a crush on colleague Joanna, who is already committed.
• Steve: “I can keep secrets. I could be dating somebody in this room right now, and no one would ever know it in a million years.” (Steve, 25:06)
• Joanna: “I'm with Jason. Jason is the person I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.” (Joanna, 24:54)
• The group creates the “office boyfriend” label; Joanna claims she's always “dressed nice,” not for attention.

Boundary Reset & Over-interpretation

• Joanna ends flirtation, citing job focus and relationship priorities: “I took it upon myself to stop with the flirting… my job was starting to slack.” (Joanna, 30:39)
• Steve tries to spin every interaction as evidence of attraction:
  • “If I'm throwing you off on your new job, then that's a compliment too.” (Steve, 34:52)
  • “She said to my… to Larry, of all people, she said I was a nine. On a scale one to ten. I'll take that, man.” (Steve, 35:27}

Attempts at Closure

• Joanna is prompted—point blank—for a “yes or no” about ever sleeping with Steve:
  • “Does he have any shot at all of sleeping with you?”
  • Joanna: “No.” (36:37)
• The segment ends with playful resignation, Steve's ego bruised but intact.

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4. Bandwagon Fandom & What Makes a Great Athlete? [39:42–56:07]

Hawks Hype & The Sports “Athlete” Debate [41:01+]

• Bert admits he’s a relatively recent “bandwagon” Hawks fan: “I’m a huge Hawks fan and have been for nearly half a season.” (Bert, 40:42)
• The group riffs on professional athleticism vs. general athleticism, especially as it relates to height—Bert insists: “Just because you’re big doesn’t mean you’re athletic.” (Bert, 45:14)

On-Air Challenge: Bert vs. Zaza Pachulia [47:30+]

• Zaza Pachulia, Atlanta Hawks’ 6’11” center, calls in to accept Bert’s soccer challenge, correcting his height and contesting Bert’s “athlete” claims.
• Zaza: “Why don’t we try? Let’s go on the soccer field, let’s have a kick out… If I lose, I’m gonna take you to my restaurant, buy your dinner. But if you lose, you gotta come up with something.” (Zaza, 49:30)
• Zaza reveals he played soccer as a kid in Georgia (the country), dropped in favor of basketball due to his height.
  • “I played only two years and they kicked me out because I was growing up very fast… my soccer coach came up to me and said, son, you are in the wrong spot…” (Zaza, 52:41)
• The challenge is accepted, mutual good-natured ribbing ensues.

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Notable Quotes

“We just really go for the scientific side of it versus the seance side of it.” — Andy, Atlanta Ghost Hunters (01:19)

“Maybe heaven and hell is nothing more than just a different dimension that exists in the same time and space…” — Andy (08:25)

“To sit down to pee is against your nature!” — Bert (15:26)

“You do not lose what makes you a man just by compromising with your wife. What happened to, you know, compromise?” — Collins, listener (22:32)

“If you want to stand up and pee… then clean up after yourself. The problem is you won’t clean up after yourself…” — Cassie (23:02)

“I can keep secrets. I could be dating somebody in this room right now, and no one would ever know…” — Southside Steve (25:06)

“If I'm throwing you off on your new job, then that's a compliment too.” — Steve (34:52)

“Just because you’re big doesn’t mean you’re athletic.” — Bert (45:14)

“Why don’t we try? Let’s go on the soccer field, let’s have a kick out… If I lose, I’m gonna take you to my restaurant, buy your dinner. But if you lose, you gotta come up with something.” — Zaza Pachulia, Atlanta Hawks (49:30)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [00:01] – Ghost Hunters intro and scientific method explanation
• [05:23] – First EVP: “Skinheads” clip and group discussion
• [07:07] – Second EVP: “Help” captured in an empty building
• [10:34] – EVP: “Do they hear me?” (child) & “I don’t know” (British male)
• [13:41] – The “sitting vs. standing to pee” debate begins
• [15:58] – Listener Michelle demands her husband sit
• [17:25] – “Chad’s” email: is it about pee or relationship control?
• [22:32] – Collins, Atlanta listener from Africa, on cultural compromise
• [23:48] – Southside Steve and Joanna: the office flirting boundary
• [36:37] – Definitive “no chance” answer from Joanna
• [39:42] – Hawks season and “bandwagon” fandom
• [45:14] – “Just because you’re big doesn’t mean you’re athletic”
• [47:30] – Call from Zaza Pachulia, NBA Hawks player
• [49:30] – Bert and Zaza set up their soccer “athlete” challenge
• [52:41] – Zaza’s soccer backstory and transition to basketball
• [54:05] – On-air challenge accepted, wrap-up

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Tone & Style

The Bert Show crew maintains their signature mix of irreverence, self-deprecation, and “real talk.” Difficult or awkward moments are handled with humor. The show moves quickly through audience calls, opinionated rants, and playful peer needling. The original voices—sarcastic, earnest, teasing—shine through in every segment.

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This summary captures all essential parts, key quotes, and standout moments, for an episode full of laughs, debates, spooky stories, and a sports dare with real-world stakes.

Transcript

[A]

The Birch show.

[B]

I'm Melissa Carter. Who are the Atlanta ghost hunters?

[C]

They are. They do this as a hobby. Atlanta ghost hunters is a group of people who really get into ghost investigations. So they go out, they find people who are in metro Atlanta, in Atlanta and outside of Atlanta that say, look, something weird is going on in my home. I don't know what it is. Can you come and investigate? And on their own time and for free, they will go to these homes and then they will record what they Hope will get EVPs, which electronic voice phenomenon, which a lot of times the belief is that spirits, you know, their voices, noises, can be caught on, you know, recording device. So that's what they do. And if they do find something, then they'll come on the Burch show and they'll tell us all about it.

[B]

And if they don't come, if they don't find anything, they don't come on at all.

[C]

Right.

[B]

So they always have something. So Andy is actually. He's usually in studio as he describes these clips, but he's stuck in traffic this morning. Hey, Andy.

[D]

Good morning. Yeah. So to whoever decided to cause this wreck at 10th and 14th. Yeah. One of my ghost buddies is going to be showing up at your house, Andy.

[E]

I warned you about it earlier. I don't know why you weren't listening.

[D]

Well, what do you do when you're in downtown Atlantic, whenever their lights start turning on and off? Tonight, in the middle of the night, that's sending one of my buddies over to their house.

[B]

Andy, before we get into the clips that you have today, do you know anything about seances and spirits and stuff that are sort of. It's the word I'm looking for that are brought.

[F]

Called.

[B]

Yeah, I guess to a seance, you know?

[D]

You know, we kind of take the scientific approach. We look for things that can actually be quantified, things that can be recorded, reviewed, things like that. I'm not really sure what necessarily the difference is between necessarily what we do and what a seance is, other than during a seance, you hold hands and you have candles lit. My personal feeling is if you're calling on the spheres, that you want to communicate with them, whether you're holding hands and have a candle going on or not, you're still really asking for the same thing. So I don't know if there's much of a difference, but we don't really do the seance thing with sitting around and doing that kind of thing. We're more of a. We want to stay mobile. We ask the questions we want to find out who they are, but we're. We're trying to get them to talk to us where we can record it versus, you know, and I heard you guys talking about that earlier. We just really go for the scientific side of it versus, you know, the seance side of it.

[G]

If we were on a ghost hunt with you and wanted to hold your hand, would you let us?

[D]

Jen or Melissa? Absolutely.

[B]

We had one. Somebody called up this morning, said they did one of these seances that we're going to do Friday morning on the show, and they were, like, drained of their energy. You know, like, they could really feel the spirit sort of took them over and drained them of their energy. Has that ever happened to you on any one of these?

[D]

You know, the only time that I've ever had anything like that really happen to me, I was. We were doing an investigation at the Kennesaw house. It's the Marietta Museum of History right there in the square of Marietta. And I normally don't provoke spirits. You know, I think you get a lot more with honey than you do vinegar. But this particular time, I was just kind of, you know, Sherman had stayed in this building quite some time, and I just started kind of calling Sherman a punk. And, you know, you come into our city and burn down all our stuff, you know, instantly. As soon as that happened, I got the worst migraine headache I've ever had my entire life. And, I mean, it was to the point I was nauseous. I just couldn't even. I couldn't think. I couldn't. I just didn't really want to go on anymore. All the investigators wound up going out after a drink after the investigation, and I just wanted to go home. I was beat.

[B]

Did you hear that, Jeff? Jokey spirit guy.

[D]

I don't know if they can really do it or not. That was a good coincidence.

[B]

Okay, so no jokes while we're there. No Jokey spirit guy.

[D]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[H]

Jokey spirit.

[B]

We good with this, Jeff? Can we make that agreement?

[G]

Well, I mean, we'll see how it goes.

[D]

No promises. Now, who's going to do the seance? Who'd you find?

[B]

I think we're still looking for somebody right now, aren't we?

[G]

Yeah. If we can't find a real seancer, we're just going to hire somebody from the whole world.

[B]

All right, so what do you have today? Where did you go?

[D]

Well, this one. I've got to keep the location confidential. Just based on the type of property this is. They didn't want any advertising of what the property was or where it was. All I can say is this facility had about six different buildings on it. We are aware of deaths that did take place in some of these buildings. I can tell you that It's a school in metro Atlanta, A private school in metro Atlanta is basically all that I can tell you.

[F]

What kind of deaths accidental or.

[D]

It was mainly age. People dying of old age in each of these old buildings that were there. We didn't get a chance to investigate all six buildings. We had access to several of them. But the voices that we caught had nothing to do with any of the old age people that would have died there. The voices that we caught, nothing. Sounds like it's an old age. And that's why I don't necessarily know if it has to be somebody that died on the property or if it's attached to a particular object that's on the property. Or are these just random wandering spirits? Because some of these just make absolutely no sense for it being a school for any of the deaths that took place. It's just wild, random things that we catch on these things.

[B]

This sounds so horribly confusing, like the plot of a horror movie right here. Like it's an old retirement home or something. And they build a school on top to torment all the kids. And one by one the kids are getting freaked out.

[C]

Used to be a graveyard.

[F]

Watch out.

[B]

Alright, so go ahead, you just tell us what you found, man, and what you were feeling while you were there.

[D]

Sounds good. Well, this first one is very clear. And again, this one is just one that just makes you go, what? Huh? How is this possible? This one, it just sounds like skinheads. We're not skinheads. We don't have anybody that's on our investigation team that's skinheads. But it clearly sounds like to us that it says skinheads. Skinheads.

[F]

Oh, oh.

[B]

Hear that again.

[G]

Are you sure it's not butterflies?

[B]

Could it be sinners maybe?

[D]

Play it again.

[B]

I hear skinheads. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And the whispering thing.

[G]

Oh, wait a minute. Play it again. Does anybody hear kids in there? Something kids,

[B]

like before, they say skin. Like there's a word kids in there at first.

[G]

Something like that. Something kids,

[B]

I don't know.

[F]

Something kids.

[D]

I don't know if they hear anything different over the radio. Definitely call and let us know because it always sounds different over the radio. But that's the first impression we caught with skinheads at least.

[F]

Okay, okay.

[D]

All right, so the next clip that we've got here. And again, these are relatively small buildings at this facility. So none of the buildings are very large at all. And this one was actually captured in one of the buildings where we just left the recorder in there and just actually walked out. So go ahead and play the clip. I want to see if you guys can tell us what you think you hear on this.

[B]

Help.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[G]

Wow. Wow, that's a crazy one.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And nobody's in the. Nobody's in this particular building at all. This is just one of the recorders that was just left there,

[F]

clearly.

[D]

And we catch that all the time. We catch help all the time. And, you know, it just absolutely freaks us out because we catch it all the time.

[B]

Wasn't that your theory, having you told us that before, that some spirits just are sort of caught. They don't know which way to go? They don't. You know, are they alive, are they dead? And they're just looking for some guidance,

[D]

you know, I don't even. I honestly, at this point, I don't even know if these are ghosts of dead people. I don't know if these are demons. I don't know if they're angels. I don't know if they're spirits. I don't know what these things are. So I hate to even start to wonder about what they are, about what spirit state of death they're in when I don't even know that they're. They're dead people. Because, like Melissa mentioned yesterday, they. The one EVP that makes me question, are these really people that are dead? Is that EVP that I caught years ago that says, oh, gosh, they're thinking we're ghosts? And that. That one right there, Every time that I hear one of these things just tries to remind me, okay, maybe these things are not ghosts. Maybe these are not the death. You know, the voices of dead people that have not moved on. But then again, maybe heaven and hell is nothing more than just a different dimension that exists in the same time and space that we're in right now. And it's basically just a different, you know, a different parallel universe.

[B]

I can't tell you how many times I've had that conversation.

[D]

Yeah. To me, I think there's science behind everything, Even with the religious aspect of it. There's got to be science behind this.

[H]

Wow.

[D]

Okay, so, all right, this next one that we've got here, and I kind of like not telling you what I think I hear. I want to. I want to see what you guys think you hear on this one. This one is also caught in the. That same building. Nobody Was saying anything in this particular clip, so it's just dead air. And then we caught you. Tell us what you think you hear.

[B]

Let's play a round of what the freaky ghost is saying. If you guys think you got it, buzz in. That flew underneath my radar on that one.

[G]

One more time.

[H]

Mm.

[B]

You got it. No, seriously, that's what it's saying. One more time.

[G]

No, it's not. I swear it is.

[H]

Yes.

[F]

I can't hear that one. There's like a high pitched squeal that seems like it's kind of blurring it out to me.

[B]

You think it says one more time, though, right?

[G]

I heard Kwanzaa hall for city council.

[B]

Andy, is that the one more time one?

[D]

It is. Yes. It sure is.

[C]

That's weird.

[B]

No joke.

[G]

I'm scared of myself. I don't want to be alone in my house tonight.

[B]

Knowing what it is. Let's see if we can hear it. Yeah, I got nothing on that.

[C]

Is it the very beginning when somebody says something?

[D]

You know, honestly is. I can't. I can't hear it over the phone because I can't remember exactly. I've been so freaking. I've been listening to so much audio these past two weeks. I can't remember where it is in that clip. I'm pretty sure it's at the beginning, though.

[B]

One more time is what they're saying. And I'll play it one more time.

[G]

Yeah, I heard it at the beginning.

[B]

It's in the very, very beginning of the clip. And it's way off in the distance.

[G]

I heard it the first time you played it. That's why I said it.

[D]

All right, now this last one, you're definitely going to have to have some help on this one. The owner of the facility, she says, can you stomp on the floor? So that's what you're hearing at first is, can you stomp on the floor? And then what I actually hear now, dream and I kind of. We differ on what we hear. In the middle, I hear, do they hear me? And then you'll after that, and it sounds like a little girl saying that. And then afterwards, you hear a man with almost a British accent that says, I don't know. So you hear, can you stomp on the floor? That's the owner. And then what I hear is, do they hear me? And then a man's voice say, I don't know.

[B]

The children's ones are always the ones that freak you out.

[D]

Oh, absolutely.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

I can definitely hear the last part of it.

[D]

Yeah, you can Definitely hear the. I don't know, you have to listen a little bit closer for the child right in the middle.

[B]

It's like a whisper of a child and a whisper of a guy, right?

[D]

Exactly. But the guy, if you listen to it, he definitely has some sort of accent to it. I can't pick up the accent, but there's some sort of accent that he has.

[G]

It's certainly British. He's a British hot hunk thing.

[B]

You know, I'm pretty good with accents.

[G]

He's a British haunting thing.

[B]

Yeah, that's Scottish. Weird.

[D]

Yeah, definitely got some. Some sort of accent to it. But that one.

[H]

Yeah.

[D]

Like you said, anytime you catch kids, it's always freaky. We don't catch as many kids recently as. I mean, they're the very beginning when we were doing a bunch of investigations. Early on, we were catching kids left and right. So I guess it's school's back in touch or something.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

Okay, so let's hear this one one more time.

[G]

I'm getting a bunch of text messages from people saying that first one, skinheads is Scaredy Cats.

[C]

Oh, good night, you say hi, Andy.

[B]

Andy, you're coming in studio earlier tomorrow morning, right?

[D]

Absolutely. And I'm leaving like 4 o' clock in the morning, so I'm getting stuck in this stuff. So all these people driving by on their interstate with me on the side of the road. This ain't gonna happen again.

[B]

Hey, give us a little tease on what we can hear tomorrow. Where'd you go?

[D]

All right, now, we had to actually move. This was the one we were gonna do today, was the one where we actually caught the eight EVPs, where the school actually had been burnt down. She couldn't be on radio today, so we decided to move, you know, kind of swap them around. So we're gonna get that one tomorrow, and then we're also gonna play at the very end, if you're cool with it, a couple of clips. We went back to another location that we did last year for Halloween. We went back to follow up, and we got some more stuff. It's actually calling out one of the names of one of the employees that's there. We'll try and squeeze that in as well, if we can.

[B]

Awesome. All right, Andy, we'll see you in studio tomorrow.

[D]

Right on, guys. We'll see you tomorrow.

[B]

Thanks.

[D]

Go to the website AtlantaGoHunters.com or I think you guys have it linked over from your website. We'll have all the EVPs that we played today and yesterday and all throughout the Week. We'll have it on the website so they can listen to it over again.

[B]

Sounds great, man. We'll see you tomorrow.

[G]

All right, guys.

[D]

Take care, Steve.

[G]

Bye.

[D]

Bye.

[A]

The Birch Show. The Birch Show.

[B]

So let's reset this here really quickly because one of Jeff's friends made this suggestion to him last week. I thought it was outrageous.

[D]

He.

[G]

For a bunch of different reasons, but mainly a cleanliness one. He has started peeing sitting down and he was trying to explain to me the merits of this. Why, you know, the various reasons it was a good idea and, you know, asked me to try it for a while, which I did.

[B]

What were the merits once again? Because I did spend a goodly amount of time thinking about this over the last couple days.

[G]

His big. The big issue was that he had splash issues. That became apparent when he was doing some work in his bathroom.

[F]

He had a forceful stream.

[G]

Yeah, he had good working prostate or whatever it is that fires that out of there.

[C]

He just was a bad target.

[G]

He just targeted. So the water would splash out of the toilet and onto the wall. And then. So what happened?

[F]

A big splash. I mean, that's a long way to go.

[C]

That's what he's saying.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know how you can miss that hole. I mean, it's pretty standard.

[G]

He said he wasn't missing it. He said it was such a forceful wave.

[H]

Yes.

[G]

It would splash.

[B]

Tsunami.

[G]

Tsunami.

[B]

That's why our belt's a tsunami every time. Whatever.

[G]

Sort of that, by the way. So for cleanliness reasons, this stuff getting on the wall. He said once that wall was fixed, his wife made the suggestion, he took it. Now he sits down to make the tinkles.

[B]

And I have had some guys come up to me over the last week since Jeff relayed that because I just think it's outrageous. I mean, it's instinct for men. I mean, look at. When you look at dogs urinate, the female dogs squat and what do the male dogs do?

[F]

Lift their leg.

[B]

Lift their leg. We're all mammals. That's what we do. So for a sit down, to pee is against your nature.

[G]

Oh, wait a minute. You use dogs as a comparison. What about a cat?

[B]

Like you go, male cats are really. They're very feminine.

[G]

You dig a hole in sand, it doesn't even count.

[B]

So we get this call from Michelle here at the same time. And basically the gist of this is that she has demanded that her husband sit down to pee and he's done just that. He wants to make his wife happy.

[H]

My husband, when we first Got married. He had a few problems flushing or whatever, and he was always in a rush. He took time to wash his hands, but he didn't take time to wash his toilets. So, I mean, I've told him he needs to sit down or scrub it. I don't care what he does when he's not at home.

[B]

So you have demanded that your husband sit down to pee, and he does it.

[H]

Right.

[B]

All right. So Chad is a listener of ours and was really upset about this whole thing. And over the next three minutes, I'm gonna detail for you how he believes what this guy does. Sort of just adhering to his wife's policy is really what's wrong with marriages in general. Okay. It's kind of a long way to get there, but I think I see what he's saying. Okay.

[H]

Okay.

[B]

All right. Says dear Bert, Last week, I heard the conversation about Jeff's friends selling him on the advantages of peeing sitting down. Absurd to say the least, but peculiar has never bothered me. But I had the same reaction you did to the woman that called in and said she demands that her husband sits down to pee. Cause he's too messy in the bedroom. Where do I start? I know it's a silly conversation, and this is an even sillier email, but I'm expletive with a p. Really? Expletive with a p and past tense. I don't know which is more ridiculous. The woman that thinks it's okay to make an unreasonable demand like this or the coward husband that agrees to it. When did this guy lose his expletive for testicles? When did men lose their. You know, isn't this whole.

[G]

It's really focused at. For somebody who's coming across as very bold and manly, he's really focused a lot on the testes.

[B]

Well, I have edited that. I mean, he said the B word. He was very manly and female. Isn't this whole conversation really about control and relationships? So now we've gone from peeing on the toilet to control and relationships. This has zero to do with peeing sitting down and everything to do with what's wrong with half the marriages in this country.

[F]

Mm.

[B]

Everybody is looking to control their partner. Does anybody really want what's best for the person they so call love? No. It's about control and getting your way. This guy's got issues in his relationship is what I'm picking up on.

[F]

Wondering if he's married or not.

[B]

He is, and I'll tell you why. At the end, everybody is just surviving in their marriage by Jockeying to get their own way. Lose control and don't lose yourself. Married people. It is possible to compromise and still be happy. Half the guys I know can't decide for themselves if they want to pee standing up or not anymore. Cause their wives have nagged at them their entire marriages and the men have just given up. So ladies, don't think of us as things you can train. Think of us as partners. And you might not have to mother us your entire lives. From Chad. And he says, not his real name cuz his wife would kill him if he knew she wrote this. But he was just saying, oh, he's

[C]

all being all bold.

[B]

No, he was just. He even writes here. That's just a joke. Sort of. He writes. So we've gone from peen sitting down to control in relationships. And that's really what's wrong.

[F]

Do you guys feel mothered in your marriages?

[B]

I'll be honest with you, Sometimes I need it. I'll be totally and completely honest with you.

[F]

So you're okay with this control now that's different.

[B]

I wouldn't say control. I mean, I just. Control and being mothered in different areas are two different things. Like, I mean, I can come and go as I please. I make decisions. There are major decisions that Stacy and I will make together for sure. But I don't consider myself controlled and I don't think that she'd consider herself controlled.

[H]

I don't know.

[B]

How about you?

[G]

I feel like Stacy controls me. No, I think we're pretty even. I mean, I'm sure there's things that Jessica does that kind of controls the way things go. And there's things that I do that control the way things go. But I think it's. I never have any feelings like, God, she's running the show.

[B]

I'm over sensitive to that man.

[F]

Other than paint colors.

[B]

Yeah. Which you're not allowed to pick until she gets back.

[G]

Made a move yesterday.

[B]

Oh, you did?

[G]

Little one?

[B]

Oh, no.

[G]

Just having one cabinet painted.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

All right. That's okay.

[G]

I gotta be honest with you. I'm scared.

[B]

Jessica left and she told him there's only one thing that you can't do is pick the paint colors for the house. And Jeff has been walking around the house just so close to going over to Home Depot and picking the paint colors by himself. But he hasn't done it.

[C]

God, you would think. Yeah, you would think if you're out of town, how refreshing it would be to get home and it'd be done.

[G]

I did have the.

[B]

Don't do it.

[G]

Well, I did do the whole thing.

[B]

I'm nervous for you.

[C]

I think she missed a huge opportunity.

[G]

I did the whole garage, and she asked me to send her a picture yesterday, and I didn't.

[C]

And you didn't?

[G]

No. I told her that the lights didn't work in there.

[C]

So going back to the Gmail, I

[G]

don't want her to not like it until she gets home.

[F]

But Jeff is definitely not controlled.

[G]

I said in different areas, it's different.

[B]

Collins, go ahead. You're on Q100.

[H]

Hey. Hi. But thanks for allowing me an opportunity to share my opinion here.

[B]

Yeah. What's up?

[H]

Well, I. Well, first of all, I listen to you guys. I'm from up North, Africa. As you can tell from my accent, I'm an African. But I moved here to Atlanta a few years, and I just happened to chance on your radio show one morning, and I've been hooked since. So thank you for making the drive quite tolerable in Atlanta traffic every morning.

[C]

Thank you.

[H]

Back to my point, I was listening with keen interest when this topic came up. When I first moved to the States, I lived with women. My mother and my sister, we shared one apartment. And every single time, I'll go in and just do my thing, you know, and have, you know, the splash issues. And so they sat me down and said, look, I don't think it's appropriate, you know, for you to be splashing all over the place. And so I, you know, out of respect for them, I did get what they requested.

[B]

You really, really are damaging a man's credibility here. Are you telling me that you can't go to the bathroom and control your splash dude without sitting down? Come on, now.

[H]

I can, but sometimes you have to go and you're not paying attention. You lose concentration, and you are.

[B]

What do you mean, lose focus?

[H]

See, have you ever been to the bathroom and you have to go so bad that, you know, you feel like, okay, if you don't get it out in two, three seconds, dude, it doesn't take.

[B]

I love how you say that. Sometimes you lose concentration. It takes no focus at all. This is one of the very few things I can do when I'm so hammered I can barely even stand up straight, but I can still at least find a bathroom and pee into the toilet without splashing all over the place?

[A]

No, no.

[H]

I mean, I think it's something that, you know, even. I mean, disregarding the splash issue. Okay, I don't think that, you know, it's out of the ordinary or it's unreasonable I mean, you. You do not lose what makes you a man just by compromising with your wife. You know, what happened to, you know, compromise?

[B]

This is not compromising. She's asking to do something that is against your nature.

[C]

See, well, the thing is that. That his email did not, you know, references the fact that. Well, then clean up if you're gonna. If you wanna stand up and pee.

[B]

Agreed.

[C]

And you dirty the bathroom and scrub your own urine. Because the problem that these women are having is that you won't clean up after yourself, and they're having to do it. So I love how guys are like, you know what? She's compromising my manhood. Well, clean up after you.

[B]

That I can agree with. Because they're mathematically, again, there has to be somebody that is the best shot when it comes to that. So there has to be somebody that's the worst shot. And if you're the worst shot, you gotta clean up after yourself. That I agree with.

[G]

At what point do you think it will occur to Collins that he's going to have to call his family back in Africa and tell him that he made it onto American media? I was on the radio, and they're going to say, wow, what were you on the radio for? And that's what he's going.

[B]

That's his recipe.

[A]

The bird show. The Bird show, yeah.

[B]

Let's just reset this here Southside Steve's dude that works on our rock station, right?

[A]

Rock 100.5.

[B]

Rock 100.5 on your dial. And the last time we had Steve on these were his words about Joanne. I mean, this could be Soulmate material we're talking about here.

[A]

I think in your lifetime, you run across three people that could be the one. That it would be the perfect match. That there would be trust, there would be love, there would be lust, there would be, you know, just that perfect soulmate.

[B]

Then there's Joanna. You put in the same category.

[A]

I don't know why. It just hit me. I just knew that's what I do.

[E]

I sneak up on people.

[B]

Okay, so we're establishing here that Steve's into her. And every day, as we've said before.

[G]

What gave you that impression?

[B]

After the show, Steve is in the office, and he's just jockeying every single day, every single day. So we really gave Joanna the opportunity to say, look, you can tell him this is never, ever, ever gonna happen, and he'll go away. She didn't take that opportunity.

[E]

I'm with Jason. Jason is the person I'm gonna spend the rest of My life with.

[D]

If.

[E]

If something ever, ever happened, which it won't, Steve would be on the bench

[B]

because, look, he's a good judge. Couldn't close the door.

[G]

And you know what? Here's the best part about this is Bert, before this happened on the air, Burt was just in the office with Steve and Joanna and gave her the opportunity to handle this off the air. Burt was so dumbfounded and disappointed almost in Joanna's response to Steve, because Bert said to Joanna, well, he's sitting right here. Just tell him. And Joanna's like, well, I can't do that.

[B]

I'm like, we can put an end to this right now. No more complaining. You get your job done. Whatever. Just tell him right now. He's got. And I think I was doing this to Steven on one end also. I'm like, dude, you're wasting your time here. A guy's only got so much energy. Let's join.

[A]

But I knew better. That's your observation. I mean, obviously, this is something I can tell. This is something I'm good at. I read the Situation. I don't care what the world thinks. I know what's going on. A lot of people act different when nobody's around. I'm just gonna keep it real, man. There's many girls that will say that, you know, like, in the office or even out, and they'll be like, no, I would never go out with Steve. And all the friends were like, well, thank God, because you know how he is. Well, let me tell you where she is at 1am and she's not telling you. And I don't need to brag. So I'm not a guy that goes around and goes, guess what I did last night? I just do what I do. And I. And I can keep secrets. I could. I could date. I could be dating somebody in this room right now, and no one would ever know it in a million years, and I wouldn't run into you 10 later going, hey, man, you know what?

[B]

I'm

[A]

Melissa. You know, I have a thing for you. There's no doubt.

[B]

If you're. If you're gonna come out with a guy, I don't think you want to start there.

[A]

I'm the dude. We talked. I'm the dude. We have so much in common. It would be fun. We would use each other and high five when it's done. And I would open the door for you.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

See?

[C]

And I would go with the guy with the most experience.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You would get experience. And also, I would also you would

[G]

get a lot of things.

[B]

Melissa, I told you, I am hung like a lesbian. If you were to come out, I am your guy.

[A]

That's true.

[F]

Save that.

[B]

Okay?

[C]

This is about Joanna.

[B]

So back to Joanna.

[G]

Melissa, if you want to cut it off with Steve right now, now is your opportunity. Just look at him and tell him.

[F]

Tell him it's never going to happen.

[G]

Jeff.

[A]

If you keep coming at me so hard, Jeff, I swear to God I'm going to switch teams just to have you. So you just need to chill. Cuz there's so much tension, it would take 20 minutes to talk you into doing something horrible.

[B]

So let me just establish this even before we continue on this long winded road, right? Like even if she said to you that day, because we give, we have given her multiple opportunities, Joanna, that it's it, you never have a shot. Even if she said, look, Steve, honestly, if there's no Jason, you're just not my type. No chance, last person on earth, not ever gonna happen. Would you have stopped at that point?

[A]

Yeah, okay, I would have. Because I'm not gonna be like a stalker. I mean, there's nothing worse than that. I mean, there's a lot of dudes out there that don't see the signs. And you're like, okay, that's annoying. It's one thing, girls will put off certain signs just to keep their friends off their back or judgment off their back, Right. But then treat you a different way, you know, a different way.

[B]

Agreed.

[A]

If a girl truly has given the signs and you can't read it well, then you're a tool. And then you become a stalker and you're annoying. And at that point she's probably just gonna get very angry at you. And I can read girls well enough to know, and I see that I'm on her bench. I also see she's loyal to this dude and they have a past. They've been together for a year and a half. I'm sorry. Had I met you two years ago, there would be no Jason, but there is.

[B]

God, the confidence. God, I wish I could say that

[A]

there wouldn't be because we do have a thing. But she's very loyal to this relationship, very loyal to this dude. And unless there's something that goes bad, wrong, I'm never gonna have a chance.

[B]

So Jen is branded as sort of the office boyfriend.

[F]

Well, I was kind of joking around about it because when there's sort of flirtations in her office, sort of, you know, connection or whatever started, you know, there's some sort of chemistry there. Right. Like, when that starts, there's something so exciting about that, that I was saying that Joanna was enjoying the attention, and most girls would enjoy the attention that comes from somebody like Steve, who's charming and who's, like, way into her and whatever. And I was saying that, like, you know, that, like, Joanna was holding Jen's hand now, like, dressing cuter and, like, you know, just, like. Just kind of like she was looking forward to seeing him every day. So I deemed it the quote, unquote, office boyfriend. Even though there's nothing going on. She was excited to see him in during the day, and he was obviously excited to see her.

[E]

And I disagreed in some of what you said, because I think I've always dressed pretty nice when I came in here. I always get ready in the mornings and put my makeup on and pick out my outfits the night before. So I wasn't doing it for anyone in particular. I just do it for myself. And, yeah, I mean, he came in there and he would flirt and we would talk. And did I like the attention? Yes. But I think that anybody. I'm new to this office, so I'm. I want to be nice to everybody, and I want everyone to come in and talk to me and give me advice and stuff. And he's just a little more flirtatious than maybe the next person.

[B]

And I think. And wouldn't you agree that you're a little bit more flirtatious with him than you would be with other guys in the office?

[E]

I think I'm generally just a flirtatious person.

[B]

But she's really saying, you're not very special at that point.

[A]

That's the way I took that and something.

[B]

Now, here's what I'm getting at today, because something has changed since the last time we had him on. And my hunch is that Jason said something to you about it, but you say that's not true. Something changed because Joanna came up to me and she's like, yeah, it's kind of getting annoying now.

[E]

It's not okay. Jason had nothing to do with this. He never said anything to me. Actually, we joke about it a lot at home.

[A]

It's probably best that y' all do that. Keep it on a joking thing. That's good.

[E]

But I started thinking, I definitely think that I'm crossing some kind of line, and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. I don't want him to.

[G]

Steve or Jason.

[E]

Jason. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable when I go to work. I do love this guy. And I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I want him to know that. So, yes, I took it upon myself to stop with the flirting. And secondly, I felt like my job was starting to slack a little bit, you know, like I wasn't getting things up on the website. I wasn't. The phones weren't being answered, and I. And honestly, I think it's because you would come in there and you would talk to me, and I felt like I would be talking back to you, and I wasn't doing my job.

[A]

We have two minute conversations. I'm on a five minute break on a show that's in two cities. I don't have that much time to talk to you. You're really tripping on that.

[E]

But I've only got till 10:30 to do everything that I have to do. And those five minutes is actually keeping me from doing a lot of things that. I appreciate that.

[A]

All right. On behalf of the entire Burt show, I apologize if I've hurt. You know what? You know, I'm sorry. She's doing a bad job because of me.

[B]

I'll tell you what, her job performance. You're hurting her job.

[A]

I'm sorry for that.

[G]

If there's a bonus discrepancy in my next check, you're filling the gaps. I'll tell you what, I'm drinking the difference down at your place.

[B]

So I did say to Steve, I've

[A]

a biscuit on you.

[B]

About a week and a half ago, I did say to Steve, I said, man, I think the luster sort of wore off this thing. I think she's over it. So maybe it's, you know, let it go. And I could see, dude, I got to be honest with you. Like, you were seriously hurt. Like, it was almost like somebody was telling you that she just not that into you. You are hurt.

[A]

I wouldn't say hurt, but I would say I've noticed. I even told you, I said, yeah. So I just kind of steered clear of the whole situation. I just kind of backed off because you can tell, everything goes. It's waves, man. You know, right now he could have said something and she's covering for him so he doesn't look like a tool that's going, I'm jealous. She's making her guy look good right now. We don't know the truth of that. I'm not saying that's what she's saying, but if she was, she's not going to call her guy out, right? No, she's just not.

[B]

So if I was Him, I would have already.

[A]

You're at a 50. 50. Because she don't want her guy to look bad.

[B]

And if she's assuming something, though, you're. That's not based on truth. You're assuming something.

[G]

No, he's saying. He's saying it could. Could be.

[H]

Yeah.

[F]

Well, here's my assumption, is that you do the same thing. That, like, women are like a shiny new toy. You're like a boy.

[A]

Yeah, I love.

[F]

You know, like, you have a new toy, and you want to play with a new toy for like, a week or two, and then all of a sudden, you want another new toy and another new toy, and Joanna was your new toy for a little while that you want. You know, maybe you're like a boy cat. You want to bat it around for a little while, and then it gets under. Slides under the bed, and then you forget about it and you move on to the next one. Oh, look, there's a butterfly.

[G]

That being said, Steve.

[F]

Oh, wait, there's a new Shino toy over there. Look, there's a.

[G]

A new. Hey, now that's pretty. I don't disagree with that. And along the same lines, I'd like you to spin that chair around and say hello to our intern, Lauren. New hair extension.

[A]

Yeah, I saw her get her hair extensions. That was.

[G]

That was very cool.

[A]

Looks good, doesn't it? It does look good. In six weeks, she'll be back to your old self. But it's all good, right? Is that how long they're going to last? But they look good.

[B]

Yours look great, too, by the way.

[A]

It takes forever to do this. No, it's all right. So I've been brought in here to be taken down a notch. And the only person that really cares about me in this room. I can tell, is Melissa, because she's the only one that just doesn't have a smile on her face. And it's okay, baby.

[H]

I'm all right.

[G]

Just for the record, Melissa never has a smile on her face.

[A]

But, you know, and I get that. So that's fine. If you think you're crossing a line that tells me you actually like me and you're holding back, and that's cool.

[B]

How does it say that? How does it say that?

[A]

Text messages don't lie.

[E]

Text messages.

[F]

Oh, Lord.

[A]

And I'm not gonna say it on air. Cause I'm not a tool.

[G]

Hold on. Give me an eyeball.

[E]

I did not send him any text messages that would send any wrong message to him.

[B]

Are we gonna get into some weird area that we should soften up right now.

[G]

Oh, yeah, we are.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[E]

I have nothing to hide. I haven't done anything.

[A]

No, you were just nice. But I mean, if you're gonna call in here and land base me, you could just say Steve, I thought I've crossed the line. The only problem where you're upsetting me is, Steve, that I distracted you from your job. I mean, really, do you really believe that?

[E]

No, I really do. Because I'm in that office and I can't even leave the office for 60 seconds. So when someone comes in there for

[A]

five minutes, if I'm throwing you off on your new job, then that's a compliment too.

[E]

I have to still impress here. I haven't been here for very long.

[A]

I'll take that. If I threw you off on your new job, if the fact I walk in a room, you can't do your job, that's fine. That is a huge compliment to me and I will leave with a huge, huge compliment. I cannot do my job when this guy's around. Oh my God. He walks in the room and I don't know if I'm talking to a guy or girl. I don't know if I'm talking about somebody in a relationship. I don't know what type to burp. I'm just a wreck. I'll take it. I'll take it all day.

[B]

So it doesn't matter what she says? Anything that she says you're going to interpret as she's attracted to you.

[A]

She said to my. To Larry, of all people. She said I was a nine. On a scale one to ten. I'll take that, man.

[B]

I can only do so much here to protect you.

[A]

Did you or did you not say I was a nice.

[E]

Came in there and he asked.

[G]

She also said Larry was an 8, 7. 5.

[A]

She gave him a 4. And I was like, well, then I know it's real.

[B]

So can we redefine this now? Okay, so you do not want him coming around the office. Is that what you were saying?

[A]

I won't come anywhere near you. You'll never see me again.

[E]

This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I didn't want you to get so offended that you start.

[A]

Have you seen Jen and Jezebel? I'm gonna turn my focus on you. You're in a dress and Jezebel this month.

[B]

Oh my God, look how easy this is. Hold on, Joanna. Watch how easy this is now.

[F]

Yes, Jen, yes.

[B]

Is there any chance, any opportunity at all for Southside Steve to Sleep with you?

[D]

No, I'm on the list.

[B]

How easy that was. Joanna, is there any chance at all. Tell right to him. Is there any chance. Look at right in the eyes.

[A]

What do you think people are going to say when you ask this?

[B]

Look him right in the eyes.

[A]

Chance wants me, but he'll tell you not to.

[G]

Well, I would actually let her go, Steve. Because last time he asked her, she was like, well, maybe someday if she's right.

[E]

I never said maybe.

[B]

Does he have any shot at all of sleeping with you?

[E]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

Okay.

[D]

If.

[A]

Now that's. In the present situation, she's not gonna cheat.

[G]

Okay?

[A]

I see her as a cheater.

[G]

Joanna. Let's say every human on earth died except for Steve.

[A]

Then I. Then I'm hitting it. And not just. I mean, all day, constantly.

[B]

So you don't. You are not gonna send him text messages. He's not gonna come by the office to clarify.

[E]

I never am the one who initiates the text messages. I. Another bartending job, and I couldn't. And he said he knew people in Atlanta, and that's how our phone numbers got exchanged. Cause I was looking for another. Not at his bar. At another bartending job somewhere in Atlanta. And that's how he was talking about.

[A]

Actually, we did talk about my bar, though.

[E]

Right. But I didn't.

[A]

I mean, that's crunching.

[B]

Okay, so they're professional texts. No more professional text.

[E]

So there was never, like, flirty text messages back and forth? It was pretty much like, hey, do you think you could ever.

[F]

No.

[E]

I will stand by that. I never sent flirty text messages to you.

[C]

I didn't see what it said.

[G]

That's a tough one to defend right there. Joanna.

[B]

Yeah. Did you see the text message?

[A]

All you gotta do is show Jeff, because Jeff keeps it real. Well, a little too real sometimes.

[B]

Is this something we should totally stay away from?

[G]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

I have nothing to hide. There's nothing you need to stay away from.

[G]

Can he read it on the air?

[B]

I don't care.

[E]

Go right ahead. And I will tell you if that's from me or not. And if you're just trying to represent somebody else's text message is mine.

[A]

I wouldn't even know how to do that. I barely know how to operate this phone.

[G]

Phone.

[A]

It's a complex one. It's a BlackBerry.

[D]

Jeff.

[A]

Jeff actually put me onto it.

[C]

Are we sure we want to read.

[B]

Are you sure you want to do this?

[A]

No. You don't.

[B]

I think we'd rather not.

[C]

Yeah, let's not do that.

[B]

I think let's not.

[A]

Because I was in here for fun, and I. And I had, you know, a little thing, and I just was happy with being the guy on the bench. I wasn't trying to make inroads or anything. I'll make jokes.

[B]

She's telling you there is no bench. The bench has been unlimited. There's no dugout. There's no bench. There's no stadium.

[A]

What about a foxhole?

[B]

There's not a foxhole.

[G]

In Joanna's defense or in just general. In defense, it was an exchange of two text messages. You saw them too, right? Jen And I would tell you that if that same exchange took place between anyone and Jessica.

[B]

Mm.

[G]

The fact that somebody felt comfortable enough to send her that one and the fact that she would respond the way she did, like, that would be. So it was the whole exchange. Like, I think Joanna standing alone is not that.

[B]

I don't understand what you're doing.

[A]

More uncomfortable.

[G]

I like that.

[B]

We were almost past it.

[A]

No, it's okay. So you know what? We won't throw around anything. It's fine. I can take the hit.

[D]

That's cool.

[F]

You guys had a flirty, fun thing, and the flirty, fun thing died. So let it go.

[D]

It's dead.

[B]

There's no bench. There's no stadium. There's no. There's nothing.

[G]

Okay.

[B]

It's dead.

[G]

Steve. Steve, say it's dead.

[A]

I'll say it's dead.

[B]

Forever, Joanna.

[A]

Forever.

[E]

It's done.

[A]

Dead. No, it's not dead. If something happens this time.

[B]

Not capable. Not.

[F]

I'm surprised how sensitive you are.

[A]

Oh, I'm a totally sensitive dude. I cry in movies. I. You know, I'm a very sensitive person. You're starting to see a different side of me.

[G]

All the ladies who are listening right now.

[B]

He is what he needs to be.

[G]

This is marketing.

[B]

Chameleon. You are a chameleon.

[A]

I was raised proper. I'm an Eagle Scout. I'm a good dude.

[G]

I guarantee you. When you found out you were going to be on the bird show today, you called your brand manager and said, how do I capitalize on this to get. Get the ladies calling me?

[A]

No, not at all. I'll be honest with you, man. I'm not that calculated. I'm just. I. You. I'm just a nice guy. Do you, man, it upsets you to know that I'm nice? And any girl. And any girl that dates me will tell you that's not him on the radio. He really is a nice guy.

[B]

I agree with that.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And that.

[A]

And I'm sorry. It's just the truth. I. You talk to anybody? I've never burned a bridge in my life, man. I'm not a tool. I can date any girl that I used to date again because I was nice.

[B]

Do you manscape the days you know you're going to be on our show?

[A]

I manscape the Bird Show. Get it? The Bird Show.

[B]

You know, I'm a huge Hawks fan and have been for nearly half a season.

[F]

Last year, last season, it was all, go, Hawks, right?

[I]

Go, Hawks.

[B]

Go, Hawks. Yeah, for like, the last 13 games of season.

[F]

You said it so passionately.

[B]

Yeah, go, Hawks.

[G]

You should do it right now because they're undefeated.

[B]

They're undefeated right now. Here's what I love about the Hawks, because I. I'm a huge sports fan. I mean, I'm a huge Hawks fan also, but as far as sports go, I read them all. Sports Illustrated, ESPN. I'm watching, you know, all the time.

[F]

You're on SportsCenter all day, right?

[B]

All the time. It's on in the background. Right. Nobody is predicting the Hawks to win the championship. They're flying so under the radar right now, and only we bandwagoners know how good they are.

[C]

At least you've admitted it.

[D]

That's it.

[B]

This is exactly where you want to be. All right, so this is the perfect position for the Hawks to be in this season.

[G]

Perfect.

[B]

I actually. Everybody's talking Celtics and Orlando and Cleveland and Sheck. This is where we want to be. Nobody expects us to kick ass.

[D]

I.

[G]

Us.

[B]

Us.

[A]

Go, Hawk.

[G]

One more. Go, Hawk.

[B]

Go, Hawk. There you go.

[G]

I actually thought of you yesterday because ESPN or somebody did, remember? What was it that your dad said about you playing soccer related to your height?

[B]

He said because I was struggling with baseball. He said he was trying to suggest that I should try soccer because I was athletic and you don't have to be very tall. And that would be a better suited sport for me, which I didn't listen to, which I should have listened to.

[G]

And I'm assuming this is because of the start of the NBA season, but some TV show or some network had a study, because people will study anything. Had a study explaining what heights are suited for what sports. You know, obviously, the taller you are, the better it makes you a basketball.

[D]

And.

[C]

Well, that's the joke amongst all tall kids.

[A]

Right?

[G]

You play basketball and how tall are you?

[B]

Five, ten, give or take. It's been a while since. Yeah, five, four.

[G]

Okay. Soccer wasn't on the list for guys

[B]

that are shorter to play. Yeah, for sure.

[G]

It was horse jockey and gymnast.

[B]

Oh, really?

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

That hurts. If I had a dime for every time I was in San Diego, when I lived in San Diego, that somebody approached me and asked to train me to ride horses.

[E]

No way.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Happened quite a bit.

[F]

Are you serious?

[B]

Quite a bit.

[F]

When you were growing up?

[B]

Yeah, because I used to play beach softball. It's a game that I would take way too long to explain.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

People could see the athleticism, and they saw how I was built, and I had way more than one occasion with Del Mar Fairgrounds right up the road where they race horses. People ask me, have you ever thought about being a jockey before?

[F]

Why didn't you say yes?

[B]

Insecure about my height. Really insecure about my height. It's probably the reason why I didn't get into soccer also, because what Jeff is saying here is the truth is, like, just because you're tall or big doesn't make you a better athlete than somebody that's short or shorter in stature. Like, if you take a look at half the guys in the NBA right now, a lot of them are playing because they're just big guys. They're not necessarily athletic guys, but they're big bodies, man, and they can basically

[F]

just lift up an arm and think it's in the basket.

[G]

So LeBron James is an athletic now.

[B]

He's the exception. I would definitely say he's the athlete.

[G]

He's the one exception.

[B]

Not the one exception, but there are plenty of guys. Like, you get these dudes in the league. Do we really want to go down this road? These dudes that are like 7 foot 4, 7 foot 2, or what have you, that are just big bodies, not necessarily athletic.

[F]

Who in the world is 7 foot 4?

[B]

Shaq is like, 72 or something like that.

[F]

Really?

[B]

We got a couple of dudes on our team. Al Horford, I think, is like A. He's 6, 10, but I think that Zaza Pachulia guy is like 7 foot or something like that, and he's a really good example. There you go. There's a guy, big dude, some would say a little slow in the feet, maybe not all that athletic, but a big dude and a great guy to have on your court for you.

[G]

So who is. Who then would be a better athlete? You or one of these tall guys who are just playing basketball because they're tall.

[B]

Well, if they only played basketball, then I would say that they're good at that sport, but not necessarily athletic. So if you put me up against an Al Horford playing soccer, you put Me up against a Shaq, like playing soccer, something that caters to more of my athleticism in high school, then I'd probably kick ass.

[G]

Okay.

[B]

Met with silence. Just because you're big. Just because you're big doesn't mean you're athletic.

[G]

You are aware that these are professional athletes?

[F]

Yeah, in theory, I understand what you're saying. But you. I mean, you would really go up against a professional athlete.

[B]

So you're saying athletes not in his sport.

[F]

Like in his sport, but in some.

[B]

I wouldn't call up Matt Ryan today and say, look, I could beat you in a quarterback competition, but I might call Matt R. And say, I could beat you in a 40 yard dash,

[C]

but a great athlete is somebody that could play.

[B]

I might. I wouldn't

[A]

run.

[B]

There are slow quarterbacks, there are slow centers, There are slow hockey players. Just because you're an athlete or you play a professional sport doesn't necessarily make you athletic. So it's going over your head.

[F]

No, I got it. I got it. So you would literally take on a player in soccer if it.

[B]

Yes. If it's outside their sport, sure. I'd give it a try. You bet. You bet.

[F]

Man, you had some muscle milk this morning.

[B]

I'm just saying in the sports world, people hear it.

[C]

Well, I'm sure that we're just all like, really? So he really would take on somebody.

[F]

I mean, there's no doubt about it that you're athletic and you work out every single day. So you're in great shape to be able to do that.

[B]

Okay. And I feel. I feel solid about that. If it wasn't in their own, like, there's no way that I could beat that. What's that World sprinting dude's name from Jamaica? Oh, Bolt.

[C]

Same bolt.

[B]

There's no way I could take him on in his sport, but there could be a mutual sport that would even the playing field. Or I think we'd be fine at

[F]

like kickball at Piedmont Park.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's probably about.

[G]

So you think you could be Chipper Jones at kickball? You could take McCann down and some dodgeball.

[B]

No, I couldn't because that caters to their Sport.

[G]

Okay.

[B]

Because McCann's a catcher. If I played dodgeball, that's all about throwing, he'd kill me.

[F]

I'm pretty sure you swim some laps against Chipper.

[B]

Yes. And beat his butt or Brian McCann then. Yes, that's a very good analogy.

[G]

I'm pretty sure I could beat Matt Ryan in foursquare. Beat his ass in four square.

[F]

I could rock him tetherball.

[B]

So that would be. That would be my take on it.

[F]

Okay.

[G]

I'll call for royd on line five for roid steroid.

[B]

Good morning, Q100.

[I]

Hello.

[B]

Hello.

[F]

Good morning.

[B]

Good morning.

[I]

Hey, I was surprised. This is Zaza calling. But surely I heard my name day guys. Having fun talking? Talking about a lot of things. Yes. Actually, I'm on my way to Phyllis arena for the practice and listening to you guys.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

He sounds tall.

[B]

I couldn't even put my voice on the voice disguiser and make it sound that deep. Zaza Pachulia is a center for the Atlanta Hawks that we were just talking about.

[G]

How tall are you?

[I]

A little bit taller than you. I'm 6 11, though. 64 there. Somebody said he was 5 4.

[B]

Yeah, that's me. That's Bert, as a matter of fact.

[G]

You know what? Why don't. You know, why don't you and Zaza just talk amongst yourselves and the rest of us, we'll just lean back and let y'.

[D]

All.

[B]

Zaza, I bet you'll agree with me. See, I'm. I'm talking in scientific sports terms that they can't understand because they're not sports fans. But you and I can have a conversation about this.

[I]

Definitely. Definitely. I need to talk to you too. So you're saying that you are good in soccer?

[B]

Well, here's what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, and I think you'd have to agree, that there are some guys in the league that are purely basketball players but not athletic is

[I]

that have such a guy in our team. I don't know about others, but we don't have such a guys in our team.

[G]

I'm sorry.

[I]

I can prove it to you too.

[G]

I know this is just between Burton Zaza, but if I'm not mistaken, Bert, you didn't you call Zaza out by name?

[B]

I would just say this. Why are you living in the past when we're talking about the future here? Like, for instance, you as a guy that's 6 foot 11 or whatever, if I took you out of your sport right into a realm that you're not used to playing, would you be as athletic like on a softball field or on a soccer field as you are on a basketball court?

[I]

Why don't we try? Why don't we try? And if I. If. Let's go on the soccer field, let's have a kick out. And if I lose, I'm gonna take you to my restaurant, buy your dinner. But if you lose, you gotta come up with Something.

[B]

Okay, so it would be you and me. You and me on the challenge, you and me on the pitch and playing soccer against each other. Now how do we determine who wins?

[I]

We're gonna. He gonna have some witnesses or cameras.

[F]

I think you guys got to do a shootout, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

Can't we just, like, can we just call?

[B]

No, because the shootout wouldn't test his athleticism against mine. A shootout is just you against the goalie. We need to go head to head against each other. So I need to try to get the ball from him. He needs try to get the ball from me.

[G]

I think it's easy. I think you have an open.

[B]

I think you have athleticism.

[G]

I think you have an open neck, and I think you guys just defend each other. Each start with three possessions and the possession ends either when a goal is scored or when the other person takes the ball.

[B]

We could use those as the guidelines.

[I]

They call it mini soccer, so definitely we can play in mini soccer.

[C]

He said, Minnie, Burt, I don't.

[I]

I'm sure you don't want to run that much, you know, on the real soccer field, so. Because you could play any mini soccer.

[B]

Now, I could not keep up with him fitness wise, without a doubt, because this is what he does for a living. But I'm saying in short spurts, Zaza, that I might be able to keep up with you in soccer.

[G]

Well, you should definitely be able to keep up because a few minutes ago you called him slow.

[B]

I never said the word slow.

[G]

Yeah, you did.

[B]

I was saying there are some players in the NBA that aren't as athletic as others. I didn't say.

[G]

Do you want me to go pull up?

[B]

I don't even think the tape's working today.

[F]

Definitely not.

[I]

I'm representing now all the NBA players, so we definitely have to meet on the soccer field.

[B]

Okay, I will take that shot.

[I]

You gotta give me a couple days now because we have a game tomorrow opening night. So I don't want to do this thing until tomorrow. But when we have off day, we're definitely going to play.

[A]

So now see, here's the risk we

[B]

run into also, if Zaza gets hurt, if I hurt Zaza during this whole thing and he's out for the rest of the season, that affects our city. So I'm a little bit. Dude, I just want to let him know right now.

[C]

I appreciate the call.

[B]

I'm not going to go.

[I]

See, he already started. Excuses.

[G]

Are you sure you don't want to just do this tomorrow afternoon? Because a quick victory over Burt might give you, you know, good confidence going in, or would that just be too. Probably too easy?

[D]

I don't know.

[I]

I'd rather do after the game. All right.

[B]

Okay. I don't want to wear them out before a game. Oh, my gosh. So we'll wait till you have an off day and then, sure, I'll go out there with you and we'll kick it around a little bit and we'll see how athletic both of us are.

[I]

Okay, Sounds good. Let all the people know and let all the people see.

[B]

Now, Zaza, let me ask you this because I can detect your accent, and I know that you're not from here, and most people that aren't from our country have some kind of formal soccer training in their past. Did you ever play any soccer in your past?

[I]

Yeah, actually, I did. I was playing soccer before I stopped playing basketball. Because as you guys know, especially I'm from Georgia, Republic of Georgia, Europe. And soccer in Europe is huge. It's big. It's number one sport. Not only in Europe, in the world, it's only us that's not that popular. So, like every kid's dream, it was my dream to be a good soccer player. But unfortunately, I played only two years and they kicked me out because I was growing up very fast. So my soccer coach came up to me and said, son, you are in the wrong spot. You gotta go play basketball.

[B]

Sure.

[I]

And that really hurt me, actually. But I was a kid that time. But I'm sure the soccer coach had a vision, you know, that when I was growing up, I was tall guy, so I was going to be good in basketball. So of course, now I'm very thankful to him because he told me these words, but the time kind of hurt.

[B]

All right, so I'm just gonna. I just want to make sure here that if we play the soccer game, there's not such an emotional tie in that if I beat you, you start crying. Oh, dude, I can't take that, man.

[I]

I have lost in my career. I have won in my career. So I know what it is, babe.

[H]

All right.

[I]

So good.

[B]

All right. Zaza Pachulia. It is on, my friend. And so it shall be. You and I on the pitch sometime over the next couple of weeks, and we'll see how this goes.

[I]

Can't wait.

[F]

Hey, Zaza, good luck tomorrow night. Is it a home game?

[I]

Yes. Yes. We play against pacers tomorrow at 7 o', clock, Phillips Arena. And, you know, we'll be waiting for. For this moment for whole summer. And hopefully, hopefully we're going to Win because. Because it's very important to have a good start that sets the tone and, you know, for the motivation and for the fans also. So we can't wait for tomorrow night's

[G]

game, I think, because the deal was that if Bert, if you. One half of the bat was dinner at your restaurant. Right, Zaza? So I think the other half is if Burt loses. Every Hawks game you attend this season, you have to be wearing a Zaza jersey, everyone, so people can find you. And it has to be his size.

[B]

I like playing a little clip of our soccer challenge on the big screen also.

[G]

You mean him crushing you?

[B]

Nothing else. Watching a guy that's 6 foot 10 or 11 taking on a guy 5, 4 in soccer is going to be pretty funny. All right, Zaza. Hey, good luck with this season. I was just telling these guys, man, I'm stoked for you, because nobody is really saying that the Hawks can win a championship. Everybody's talking about Boston, which is good. Talk about Cleveland, talk about Orlando. And I still think Atlanta's sort of flying under the radar a little bit.

[I]

I mean, I can bring you a perfect example. Like last year, nobody was saying that Orlando would play the finals, but they were so close for this championship. It's a joke. So once you're up there, once you're in top four, you never know what's going to happen. Especially it's a long season. Guys got my hurt. And this is basketball in the playoffs, anything can happen, you know, so we feel really good about yourself. We want to control ourselves. We don't want to be relayed on other teams. So if we do right things, if we play hard and together, I'm sure we're going to give ourselves chance to play in the finals. But important is to have a good start. We have to go game by game, and everything going to be good with the help of our fans.

[B]

All right, Zaza, good luck, and we'll see you this week, and we'll talk later in the week as well.

[I]

Okay, thank you. Good to talk to you guys.

[B]

All right.

[H]

Bye.

[B]

Bye.

[G]

What if you had to be the water boy for the Hawks one game?

[F]

That's funny.

[B]

Those are pretty high stakes for a guy that's only played one soccer game his entire life.

[I]

Because.

[G]

Because during that game, nobody will be more dehydrated than Zaza. Like, he'll be calling you over every 10 seconds.

[B]

And really, what you guys do need to know is, seriously, I played my very first soccer game two weeks ago.

[E]

I love you.

[F]

You came strong, though.

[B]

I did. I'M proud of you, coming strong. You got to at least put up a good fight, because people can think you're crazy and back out of a bet, which is what I was hoping he was gonna do, but didn't happen.

[C]

But it's like one question to Manny. Did you play soccer growing up? Well, yes. It actually broke my heart that I

[A]

had to get out of this. You're on the Burt Show.