The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, April 7 [Vault]

Date: April 7, 2026
Hosts/Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and the Bert Show Team
Podcast Theme: Real talk, listener drama, relationship dynamics, and candid entertainment, with a comedic, authentic morning-radio vibe.

Episode Overview

In this lively episode, The Bert Show dives into listener call-ins and candid crew discussion around a particularly loaded "should I stay or should the dog go?" situation, segues into hilarious stories of toddlers destroying expensive or sentimental objects, debates the realities of adults on personal allowances controlled by their spouses, and shares personal anecdotes about sleep habits. With their signature mix of humor, empathy, and goading, the Bert Show brings listeners inside authentic, messy slices of daily life.

1. Listener Drama: The Dog Named After The Ex (02:03–14:03)

Main Storyline:
A listener, Hillary, shares her predicament after moving in with her boyfriend of 1.5 years. She discovers that his dog, Kona, was adopted with his ex-girlfriend after their time in Hawaii, and the dog's name memorializes their shared location. Feeling uncomfortable, Hillary wonders if it's reasonable to ask her boyfriend to get rid of the dog (which she never liked) or at least change its name.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Initial Reactions:
  • The hosts press Hillary for more details, uncovering that she found out about the ex via snooping in drawers during her move-in (03:41–03:53).
  • The discovery of the adoption papers, with both her boyfriend's and his ex's names, triggers Hillary’s concerns.
• Is the Dog Really About the Ex?
  • Bert suggests the dog is being used as a proxy for deeper insecurities: “You don't like the dog, so you're looking for a reason... You're using the fact that he bought it with the ex girlfriend to push the dog out of the relationship, right?” (05:38, Bert)
  • Hillary ultimately concedes: “Well, yeah, I guess.” (05:52, Hillary)
• Listeners and Hosts Respond:
  • Multiple listeners call in, often unsympathetic; one bluntly says: “She just needs to grow up and be a woman and get over it.” (07:16, Angel)
  • Hosts scathingly and humorously discuss the logic of “ex cleansing”—getting rid of everything from the dog to clothing:
    • “He's probably got clothes that he bought with her in Kona also, so he's going to have to get rid of all of those clothes.” (12:37, Bert)
    • “I think we’re all in agreement. You’re totally right.” (13:02, Bert—sarcastically)
• Emotional Core:
  • Hillary confesses, “Every time you see that dog, all you see is every single time he said I love you to his ex. ...That’s exactly what I see.” (11:47–11:55)
• Consensus:
  • Most hosts and callers find Hillary’s jealousy misplaced and the idea of ditching the dog because of its connection to his past unreasonable—even "nuts" and "stupid" (12:03, 12:09).
  • Several jokes are made about the need for Hillary to “mark her territory” with the dog to move on from the ex.
• Memorable Moment:
  • The conversation takes a wild turn into the dog possibly having ex-girlfriend’s underwear, and “advice” for Hillary to give the dog her own. (“If you really want to make your dog forget about [her], you need to take your underwear off immediately and let your dog eat it.” 09:24, Bert)

2. Listeners Share: When Your Toddler Destroys Expensive Stuff (16:19–23:24)

Main Storyline:
Sparked by a news story about a toddler flushing his mom’s wedding and engagement rings, the cast invites listeners to share stories about the most expensive or sentimental items their kids have inadvertently destroyed.

Highlights & Notable Quotes

• Rings Flushed Down the Toilet – and Saved! (16:33–17:38)
  • A mother recounts her son flushing priceless rings; a plumber recovers them just in time.
• Listener Stories:
  • Juice-Stained Carpet: “$2,300 worth of damage to my carpet...a sippy cup full of juice that was allegedly spill proof.” (18:36–19:13, Angela)
  • Sentimental Loss: “My...husband was supposed to have been watching him...he decided to flush my pearl bracelet, which was the last thing my father gave me before he died...about $500,” (19:16–19:37, Angela)
  • Boat Disaster: “I took the keys...put them in the cigarette lighter...shorted every wire...about four grand.” (20:04–20:48, Bo)
  • House Flood: “She knocked the top of the...toilet...hit the pipe...flooded our whole house. About $6,000.” (21:03–21:20, Jennifer)
  • Three-Story Waterfall: "Our little guy...played with the taps...$8,600 worth of damage." (21:41–22:19)
  • Rolex Lost On a Plane: “She had my gold presidential Rolex...fell off her little wrist and went down the toilet...about $18,000.” (22:29–22:54, Michelle)
• Hosts’ Take:
  • On the ring story: “One more flush and they would have been gone. Luckiest plumber alive.” (17:04–17:19, Bert)
  • On the Rolex story: “For $18,000 my whole arm would have come out of there totally blue!” (23:08, Bert)
  • Reflections on blaming children: “But you can’t really be mad at a one-year-old.” (19:47, D)

3. Extreme Sleep Stories (25:44–32:12)

Main Storyline:
Melissa shares her personal best for sleeping: after a marathon work trip, she sleeps for nearly 26 hours straight, minus breaks to briefly eat—prompting the team to compare long-sleeping records.

Discussion Points

• Melissa’s Story:
  • "When I got back from LA...I just go in to where we were staying and just go straight to bed. I don't get out of bed until noon on Saturday…26 hours of sleep." (29:01–29:43, Melissa)
• Sleep Recovery and Health:
  • Melissa explains her need for naps is tied to post-kidney transplant and immune system management.
• Competitive Tales:
  • Another host chimes in: “I slept for a full 24 hours...thought it was the same day!” (30:12–30:24, Wendy)
• Comic Relief:
  • “If I got 26 hours of sleep, I'd be six foot three!” (29:44, Bert)
  • “Did you pee the bed?” “No, I did not pee the bed.” (30:42–30:43, Bert & Melissa)
  • “How’s President Reagan doing?” (31:24, E)

4. Relationships & Money: Are There Adults on Allowance? (34:18–45:53)

Main Storyline:
Bert asks the audience: Do any adults actually live on an allowance doled out by their spouse? The conversation quickly reveals it’s more common than you think—often with surprising gender dynamics and sometimes funny, other times disconcerting power struggles.

Key Discussion/Call-In Highlights

• The Rules:
  • “We’re not looking for an agreement. We’re looking for a guy or a woman that has said, look, you are obviously irresponsible...I’m going to give you $5 or $10 a day, and that’s all you get.” (35:00–35:09, Bert)
• Listener Laura:
  • Explains her husband “just can’t spend a dime without me telling me...He can’t use a credit card unless he calls me.” (36:24–36:35, Laura)
  • She checks their credit card balance “20 times a day.” (37:25, Laura)
• Listener Melissa:
  • Controlled her husband's ATM access for budgeting; defended strict measures because he overspent (38:08–39:38).
• Gender Dynamics:
  • Bert comments: “Everyone calling up saying they’re in control of the allowance is a woman, controlling the guy.” (39:47, Bert)
• Secret Allowances:
  • Samantha admits to hiding much of her tip money so her husband doesn’t know the true amount: “I'll hide the bulk of my tips and leave like 30 bucks in there. And that’s kind of his ‘allowance.’ Like, I don’t tell him that.” (42:05–42:14, Samantha)
• When the Roles Reverse:
  • Katie describes her husband trying to control her spending. “The operative word is try.” (42:22–42:37, Katie)
  • There’s a noticeable shift in tone; E notes: “Why does it seem funny when it's a woman doing it to a guy, but now that it's reversed, it seems sad… oppressive.” (42:45, E)
• Personal Anecdotes:
  • The hosts share stories of parents with separate versus joint accounts, and the pros/cons of everyone needing to “report in” on spending.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “As a grown woman, I’m too independent to ask permission for anything.” (45:49–45:50, D)
• Consensus:
  • Most hosts find strict allowances for adults “embarrassing” and an unhealthy relational dynamic unless absolutely necessary for financial recovery.

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• "You don’t share plastic like that." (13:07, D, on getting rid of ex’s sex toys)
• “She just needs to grow up and be a woman and get over it.” (07:16, Angel, caller)
• “All you see is every single time he said ‘I love you’ to his ex. …That’s exactly what I see.” (11:47–11:55, Bert & Hillary)
• “I slept for 24 hours...and I thought it was the same day!” (30:12–30:24, Wendy)
• “If I got 26 hours of sleep, I’d be six foot three!” (29:44, Bert)
• “Why does it seem funny when it’s a woman doing it to a guy, but now that it’s reversed, it seems sad, seems oppressive.” (42:45, E)
• “As a grown woman, I’m too independent to ask permission for anything.” (45:49–45:50, D)

Episode Timeline & Timestamps

• 02:03–14:03: Listener Hillary’s “dog named after the ex” dilemma
• 16:19–23:24: Listeners call in with “most expensive thing a toddler destroyed” stories
• 25:44–32:12: Sleeping marathons—Melissa’s record and crew’s sleep stories
• 34:18–45:53: Adults on allowance—listeners reveal real-life “money control” arrangements

Summary

This episode showcases The Bert Show’s unique blend of humor, brutal honesty, and relatability, balancing the absurdities of relationship squabbles (especially around “ex baggage” like dogs), the chaos of parenting, and the complexities of money powerplays in marriage. Listeners are treated to a dynamic mix of calls, banter, and confessions—reminding us all that life’s messy, and sometimes hilarious, realities are better when we laugh about them together.