Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, December 16 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show: Full Show PT 1 [Vault] - Tuesday, December 16, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show revolves around a workplace “spy” named Joe, who has been covertly observing his coworkers to recommend who should be let go during company downsizing. The moral and ethical implications of his role are dissected by the hosts and listeners, with plenty of sharp humor, candid debate, audience calls, and side discussions including a lighthearted segment about funny and unfortunate names.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Joe the Office Spy: Job and Motives

• [01:17] Introduction to Joe’s Role: Joe, using a disguised voice, describes being hired by a friend of his father to go undercover in a company of 18 employees to evaluate their work ethic and recommend who should be cut (down to 12 employees).
  • Joe admits he is unqualified (“No, not really” – Joe, [03:14]) and is being paid an annual equivalent of $80,000 (though only for several weeks).

2. Ethical Dilemmas of Undercover Evaluation

• [02:00] Hosts Question the Process: Jeff and Bert note the job should belong to managers, and question Joe’s ability and motives.

  • “Isn’t that like the job of the managers to be able to keep an eye on the employees?” – Jeff [02:00]

• [02:45] Initial Observations:

  • Employees are caught gossiping, spending hours on the phone, slacking online, and “not looking good” in Joe’s subjective report.

• [03:48] Personal Biases: Joe confesses having a crush on a coworker ("Sweetie Pie"), and that she’s “safe no matter what.” He also admits holding grudges against coworkers who aren’t nice to him.

3. Workplace Drama: Who’s Safe and Who’s Not

• [05:16] Joe’s “Character” Nicknames for Coworkers:

  • “Gassy": Takes three, 30-minute bathroom breaks per day but also got Joe tickets to a Braves game.
  • "The Hypochondriac": Smart but always complaining and bringing “germs” to the workplace, lowering morale.
  • “Sweetie Pie”: Not a great worker, but Joe wants to keep her because he likes her.

• [05:28 - 08:00] Host Reactions: The hosts are disturbed that Joe’s decisions are based on popularity, empathy for “hot coworkers,” or personal gain (like sports tickets).

  • “You’re gonna end up firing somebody that deserves to be there just because you’re getting free tickets.” – Bert [07:07]

4. Office Downsizing Legalities

• [11:40] HR Consultants Weigh In:

  • Listeners and consultants call in highlighting concerns about discrimination and wrongful termination (Title VII and ADA laws).

  • “He really needs to weigh his risk here because this guy’s talking about keeping people because they’re cute, firing people because they’re gassy… he’s all over Title VII.” – HR Consultant [11:40]

  • Age and disability discrimination in downsizing are discussed (severance matrix, special protection for those over 45).

  • “Even in a downsizing, you’ve got to create a matrix as to why one person was let go over another.” – Lisa, HR Caller [14:24]

5. The Personal vs. Professional Debate

• [17:17] Joe Defends Himself: Joe attempts to justify his process, insisting he is observing "how you treat people" as a good long-term team indicator—yet is consistently called out by the cast for his inconsistencies and personal favoritism.
  • “You sound to me like a very insecure person who needs a lot of attention.” – Jeff [17:38]
  • “I think it’s a pretty good indicator how you treat people is how you’re gonna be with the team in the long term.” – Joe [17:50]

6. Listeners Challenge Joe and the Hosts

• [23:09] Listeners' Perspectives: Some suspect Joe’s legitimacy, others believe the coworkers have figured out his true role due to his being “the new guy” getting unexpected perks (tickets, lunches).

  • “Maybe they know he’s the guy. Why would they be giving this guy tickets…if he’s a new guy?” – Aaron [29:13]

• [22:25, 23:26] “Lucifer Joe” Segment: Joe becomes upset at being judged by the show hosts, feeling bullied and misunderstood, while the hosts double down on their ethical concerns.

  • “You judged me…calling me Lucifer…you’re not here, you don't know what I have to go through.” – Joe [24:03]
  • “You’re totally handling this unethically… I was really hoping you were gonna come on here today and say that you have been discovered in your office.” – Jeff [25:41]

7. Name Game: Unfortunate Names and Laughs

• [31:02 - 39:44] Exploding with Laughter: In a lighter segment, the team and listeners share true (and urban legend) stories about embarrassing, funny, or unfortunate names from their past school/work experience.

  • Sharon DIX, Ophelia RASH, Dick SEAMAN, Anita HOARE, Ben DOVER, Fat HO, PUH TANG, and others.

  • “There was a high school mascot that’s the Nimrods.” – Jen [37:54]

  • Several names are spelled out, and the hosts riff further, giggling like sixth graders.

  • “Her name was April Butts and she was dating a friend of mine named Spanky. Had she taken his name, it would've been Spanky Butts.” – Caller [38:04]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “No, not really.” (Joe, when asked if anything qualified him for the job – 03:16)
• “You can’t fire a guy for being gassy, but I guess you can fire a guy for taking 90 minutes of breaks.” (Bert, 06:24)
• “You are self centered, you know, don’t you?” (Jeff to Joe, 17:54)
• [24:03] “You judged me…calling me Lucifer, you’re beating me up…I don't know what you would do in the same situation.” (Joe, expressing dissatisfaction with the hosts)
• [17:50] "I think it’s a pretty good indicator how you treat people is how you’re gonna be with the team in the long term." (Joe, defending his process)
• [11:40] “He’s all over Title VII. I mean, what’s that?... a civil rights act.” (HR Consultant, on legal exposure)
• [38:10] “She left him and went and dated a guy named Scooter. So he'd have been Scooterbutts. That's my new on-air name.” (Caller, in the funny names segment)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------| | 01:17 | Introduction to Joe’s spy role in the office | | 03:48 | Joe’s confession of office crush (“Sweetie Pie”) | | 05:16 | Breakdown of coworker nicknames/stories | | 08:12 | Ethical debate over firing the “hypochondriac” | | 11:40 | HR Consultant caller: Legalities of firing | | 14:24 | HR expert on age discrimination in layoffs | | 17:31 | Hosts grill Joe on his motivations and biases | | 22:25 | Joe, “Lucifer,” calls back—confrontation continues | | 24:03 | Joe explains his frustration with the hosts | | 31:02-39:44| Funny/Unfortunate Names: Callers and hosts riff |

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Tone and Style

The episode is upbeat and comedic, with the hosts frequently bantering and ribbing guests and listeners. However, the group takes the ethical implications of Joe’s position seriously, with sharp, direct critique, especially from Jeff. There are moments of absurdity (the “Name Game”), but it’s laced with classic morning-show warmth and audience inclusiveness.

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Summary for New Listeners

If you missed the episode, The Bert Show’s “Full Show PT 1” from December 16, 2025, tackles office ethics, workplace politics, and the dangers of subjective, personally-biased decision-making in layoffs through the story of "Joe," the secret office evaluator. The hosts hold his feet to the fire on fairness, legality, and morality—while listeners chime in with their own workplace HR wisdom and, eventually, plenty of laughter in a whirlwind segment about people saddled with unfortunate names. The tone is fast, fun, a little irreverent, but never loses sight of the real-life impact behind the comedy.

Transcript

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[Bert]

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[Various Callers]

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[Bert]

The Birch show we just started talking about spine and stuff and we were like do people really as adults spy on each other? And we got this call from yesterday from quote unquote Joe.

[Joe]

Well, a friend of my father's asked me to go to work at his very prominent company to see who was working and who was playing around during the day. He's going to do some cutbacks. And so I've been hired in a very small at the bottom of the totem pole basically to see to get a report who's working hard and who isn't during the and I've seen a lot of very interesting things.

[Jeff]

I can understand the theory behind that decision. But isn't that like the job of the managers to be able to keep an eye on the employees and make that determination?

[Bert]

He probably has his eye on the managers.

[Joe]

Yes I do. That's part of my job. I'm looking at the supervisors and also, you know, the lower tiered people and looking at Everybody. There are 18 employees who's going down to 12 and they don't know it. They have no idea how much they're about to lose.

[Jen]

Has anybody already been eliminated or saved in your mind?

[Joe]

Well, there are a few people, you know who haven't been so nice to me and one guy in particular you know, he's never taken me to lunch. He's never thanked me for, you know, doing the chores that I've done under him. And he's not looking good right now. He's not a very nice guy.

[Bert]

What are some of the things you've seen going on already?

[Joe]

Some of the girls are four hours on the phone with their friends, and, you know, they act like they're working, but they're gossiping. And, you know, one guy's on the Internet constantly doing things that shouldn't be doing on the office computer and such like that. These people are pretty much gone. And everybody's not looking good right now. A lot of people. So it's gonna be hard to even cut it down to 6.

[Jen]

Does anything qualify you to do this?

[Joe]

No, not really.

[Bert]

I'm just curious. Can you say how much he's paying you to do this and how long it's been going on?

[Joe]

I've been there for six weeks, and I'm being paid very nicely.

[Bert]

How much are we talking about? Well, Val park, you're in a voice disguiser.

[Joe]

Oh, okay. I'm making 80 grand.

[Bert]

80 grand for six weeks of work?

[Joe]

No, no, no. That's the annual. That would be the annual salary, yes. There's one girl that's safe. There's a little bit of a drama with this one girl that I kind of like in the office.

[Jeff]

Oh, no.

[Bert]

You mean like, like, like in a sexual kind of way?

[Joe]

Well, in a romantic type of way, yes.

[Bert]

And she's safe no matter what she does for the next week, I would say she's safe. Kicking that harp's ass today. Hey, Joe.

[Joe]

Yes, good morning.

[Bert]

How are you? Joe has agreed to come on with us every day, and he's gonna tell us what he saw the last 24 hours and kind of give us a rundown of really what he's gonna end up telling the boss at work in order to make the cuts. So what'd you see over the last 24 hours, man?

[Joe]

Made a few decisions, I think, and I understand that I'm gonna be doing this until May 1st. That's the first decision that was made.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Bert]

Okay. So that's when the first cut happens.

[Joe]

Yes.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Joe]

Yeah. And I. And I thought I'd describe some of the characters that I work with.

[Bert]

Hold on.

[Jeff]

Quick question before you do that. The first cut on May 1, is that just gonna be one person or is that gonna be all six?

[Joe]

I think that's gonna be the big shebang.

[Bert]

All six.

[Jen]

That's when the last class bell Rings. And the entire team runs down to the gym to see who made first team and who made second team.

[Bert]

Right. I'd rather have that whole big cut at one time rather than knowing every day you came into work that it could be me today.

[Joe]

Yep.

[Jeff]

And it'll be a Friday afternoon.

[Bert]

Yeah. You know it. If you get called into the boss's office on Friday.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bert]

At least you get some relaxation on Monday.

[Joe]

They have no idea.

[Bert]

So what'd you see over the last 24 hours that has swayed you one way or the other with some of these people?

[Joe]

Well, the one character that I was watching yesterday, I'd like to call him Gassy.

[Jeff]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Bert]

All right.

[Joe]

Gentleman that spends 30 minutes in the bathroom. He takes long bathroom breaks. He's obviously got some intestinal problems, so.

[Bert]

He would just sit in the stall for 30 minutes. Does he bring in, like, an AJC with him?

[Joe]

I don't know what an AJC is.

[Bert]

The Atlanta Journal Constitution.

[Joe]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Joe]

He brings. He doesn't bring a magazine. No, but he just. Paper. He just sits there and he's gone for a long time. And I'm on the fence about him because he doesn't. You know, he's very productive in the office, so.

[Jeff]

So now, how often, Joe, does he spend time in the bathroom?

[Joe]

I would say he takes a good three bathroom breaks a day and 30 minutes each time.

[Bert]

Oh, boy.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Okay, he's got irritable bowel syndrome. Or he's just slacking off.

[Joe]

Yeah, I. I can't tell which.

[Bert]

He could be lactose intolerant, which is always fun.

[Joe]

But I like to call him gassy and gassy. But the thing is, he's a good guy, and he got.

[Bert]

You can't fire a guy for being gassy. But I guess you can fire a guy for taking 90 minutes worth of. Of breaks.

[Joe]

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. But the thing is, is that the other night, he got me and some of my friends tickets to the Braves game on Tuesday night. And they were great tickets, even though the Braves lost. And, you know, it's. I want to get some Braves tickets during the year.

[Bert]

Oh, come on. How fair is this?

[Jeff]

You gotta judge them on their performance, not on what they're doing for you. You're abusing this position.

[Jen]

He said that he was a good employee. He just took long breaks. So if he accomplishes more spending, you.

[Jeff]

Know, $90 million, okay, that's fine, but that's not why he's making his decision. He's making his decision because his Braves.

[Bert]

Tickets You're gonna end up firing somebody that deserves to be there just because you're getting free tickets from Gassy. This is people's lives at stake here, man.

[Jeff]

Yeah, that's not cool, Cassie.

[Jen]

I can't wait to get the trading cards.

[Joe]

Well, you know, he's on the fence right now, so we'll see what happens.

[Bert]

All right, who is. Who else?

[Joe]

We got a young lady I like to call the hypochondriac.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Joe]

She's constantly laying her head on her desk, always complaining something's wrong. A headache, a migraine, and I think she's pretty much gone. She's a complainer, so she claims there's something wrong with her.

[Jeff]

Now, how was her work? I mean, how was her productivity?

[Joe]

No, she's very smart. She's a very smart lady, but she's constantly complaining. And this is something sick.

[Various Callers]

She's sick.

[Joe]

There's germs, and I just. She's not. She's. I think she's definitely on my list. Being gone.

[Bert]

Well, that's almost an understandable one there, because even if she's getting her work done, if she's like a cancer to everybody else there and she's spreading a bad attitude, then that makes sense to me why you could let her go.

[Joe]

Exactly. And she's making everyone else feel safe because she's always safe. There's something going wrong. So.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Joe]

And those are the characters that I've been watching the last 24 hours.

[Jeff]

I'd love to see that woman's pill closet. Have you guys ever known a real hypochondriac? When I was growing up, my neighbor's mom was a hypochondriac. And you should have seen that woman's cabinets in her bathroom.

[Jen]

Like, prescriptions. And every.

[Jeff]

I mean, she had every affliction known to man, and it was all, oh, unbelievable to watch those. Like, if it's a real. Like, I don't know if he's exaggerating, because I'm sorry, quote, unquote, Joe, but you don't hold a ton of credibility with me right now because of the whole Braves tickets thing. And then yesterday you talked about wanting to save some guy because he took you to lunch and the other one didn't or whatever. So I don't know if you're just making up this hypochondriac thing because you don't like this woman, but if we were to do a case study on, like, a real hypochondriac. Fascinating, really. And those are absolutely fascinating. And those Are always the ones. Not only are there medicine cabinet in their home and sometimes kitchen cabinets full of prescriptions, but they're the type that when they walk, their purse jiggles with pills because they carry half of their, you know, medicine cabinet in their purse.

[Bert]

Is she like that or are you just nicknaming her this? Because she just complains a lot that she's not feeling good.

[Joe]

Oh, no, this is her. This is her. Pills for everything. Remedies for everything.

[Bert]

Really?

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Vitamins. Maybe 10 different vitamins every day. So.

[Bert]

And always complaining about the. That her joints are aching, her muscles are sore or something.

[Joe]

The joints are aching. Your menstrual cycle. Oh, this and that. The main thing is germs. Germs. So.

[Jeff]

So, Joe, you know, you mentioned somebody yesterday that we deemed Sweetie Pie, and this is a woman in the office who is safe because you think she's hot. So how's that going?

[Joe]

She's wonderful. And nothing's happened yet, but I think it will eventually. And I'm trying to wait till all this is finished, but she is. She's wonderful and very good worker. I guess I'm just.

[Bert]

Yeah. This is the question I was gonna ask you. I'm. If you were a legitimate consultant and you went in there and you were observing Sweetie Pie, as you call her, would you say she's one of the better workers in the office? Honestly?

[Joe]

No.

[Bert]

So you'd be willing to. You're willing to keep her on even though she's not a great employee because you have kind of a thing for her and you're gonna fire somebody that legitimately should be there?

[Joe]

Well, I don't think there's a lot of people in the office that should be fired, from what I've seen. But Sweetie Pie is a wonderful person, and she deserves credit for. I'm giving her credit for that.

[Bert]

You almost can't blame this guy. You gotta blame the boss that decided to hire him.

[Jeff]

I'm not knowing any better. I wish we could get in touch with the boss. Yeah. Because lives are at stake. I mean, you think this is a game and this is a joke, but, I mean, these are people's careers and their lives and the livelihoods, and I'd really. You know, I. I just think it. Yeah, I. I just think it's crap.

[Bert]

Hey, Joe, hold on one second, okay?

[Joe]

Okay.

[Bert]

I'm gonna put some other listeners on, but I can't put both of you guys on together or everybody's gonna be on the voice disguise.

[Joe]

All right?

[Bert]

So hold on one sec, because it.

[Jeff]

Seems that Joe, who, where he doesn't know what the AJC is, is a guy who he's real mature to make decisions.

[Jen]

Does he take the AJC with him? I'm sorry, I don't know what they're referring to.

[Jeff]

So he's at an age where he doesn't understand what is. What responsibility is about and what building a career is about, and that kind of thing.

[Bert]

Is the voice disguiser off there, Jeff, you still playing Hangman?

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Bert]

Morning, Kathy. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Various Callers]

Hey, Bert, how are you doing? Good.

[Bert]

How are you?

[Various Callers]

I'm wonderful. I'm sitting here listening to this. I'm an HR consultant here in Atlanta. And the guy that hired this. This person, I mean, he is. He really needs to weigh his risk here because this guy's talking about, you know, keeping people because they're cute. Fire people because they're gassy. He's all over Title seven. I mean, what's that?

[Bert]

Title seven is. What is that?

[Various Callers]

Title seven is a civil rights act, and it says, you know, you can't hire. You cannot fire people for any kind of discriminatory reason. You know, and all over the ada, which is Americans with disability, gassy could have a disability.

[Jeff]

True. It's true.

[Various Callers]

You know?

[Jeff]

Well, I mean. And if there's no file on these people, like, that's another thing. If you fire me from a job I've been at out of the blue just like that, and you don't have a file of any complaints or any problems or any meetings with me, I would absolutely have a problem with that.

[Bert]

I almost, like, don't, like. I don't really, like, blame this guy. I mean, he's just some nobody that I know. But still, it's not fair, for sure. But, I mean, it's the boss that made this decision to have this guy in and making decisions on who's going to keep their job and who's not.

[Jeff]

Well, I don't think it totally takes this guy out of the wrong. Exactly. I mean, just an adult male. He's an adult, and he's still totally acting immature and completely in the wrong. But my question is, can't employers fire you for any reason whatsoever? They don't even have to have a reason in Georgia.

[Bert]

Can they?

[Jen]

I think so. Because if they're downsizing and there's a.

[Jeff]

Financial reason, that's all they have to say. We're downsizing.

[Bert]

Sorry. And that's it. Morning, Tracey. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Various Callers]

Hey, good morning, guys. My comment is on May 1st, when he goes in to report all this stuff on these people, is he going to say, quote unquote, I'm not going to. Sweetie pie is safe because she's a hottie and Gassy is getting the ax because I wasn't sure about Brave tickets?

[Bert]

That's a great question. That's a great question.

[Jeff]

No, because he's not a consultant. He is the son of this guy's best friend. All he has to say are, these the people that I don't think are good workers. And I mean, because that's all he's got to say. And I guess, okay, because this is.

[Bert]

His best friend's son, raises a good point. We'll ask him if he's going to go in there and give legitimate reasons why they should be axed or is he just going to give a list of names?

[Jeff]

I don't think he has to justify because of the family, you know, the family friendship.

[Jen]

And I'm gonna guess the boss man is like, this is a boss who's not in the department. Like, he's probably so far removed from it. That's why he's saying the scan. Cause if you're a boss and you work in the department and it's only 18 people, you know who's pulling their weight and who's not. You know what the rumors are around the office and who's taking three 30 minute bathroom breaks a day? Like, you know that you don't need to send somebody in. So I bet he's just gonna put a list together and go in order from 1 to 18. Here's who I think should be let go.

[Bert]

We'll get him back on in a second to answer that. Okay, Lisa, you're gonna be the last call on this this time around. We're gonna talk to him again tomorrow.

[Various Callers]

Hey, how you doing?

[Bert]

Good, and yourself?

[Various Callers]

I'm doing great. Just sitting in beautiful Atlanta, traffic in the rain. I've been in HR for about 12 years and I've gone through several downsizings. And Georgia is a right to hire and fire state, but that doesn't hold squat in court. Doesn't matter. You have to have a reason. Even in a downsizing. You've got to create a matrix as to why one person was let go over another, especially if they're in the same position or if they're over 45.

[Jeff]

Because I think on the other side, like, we cannot forget about these people and these lives that are affected by this. If I was fired even in a downsizing and if my livelihood, and especially in this economy and it's hard to get another job, then, I mean, as the fired employer, I would do everything I could in order to try to get something to live by. So what she's saying is, you know, I don't think these employees, if they don't feel they were fired for legitimate reasons, are just going to sit back and say, you know what? You're right. I mean, they're going to try to fight it.

[Various Callers]

And the employees have every right to request to see the matrix as to why they were chosen over another person. If they, like you said, if there's no file or no history of disciplinary problems or, you know, any known reasons, they just show up one day and, you know, you get the old adage of the pink slip. The employee has the right to see that matrix and why it was determined that they over another person, they have complete access to that information.

[Jeff]

Now, you said earlier, unless they're 45, what does that mean?

[Various Callers]

Protection. If you're over 45, you have age protection. And that employers have even more. Have to have even more reason as to why you were let go. Your age discrimination. And you have, like, if you're under 45 and you're let go and you're offered a severance package, you only have usually, like 10 days to review and sign and return that severance agreement. If you're over the age of 45, you can have anywhere from 45 to 60 days to actually review, dispute anything in the severance agreement.

[Bert]

And now you know why. The reason why McCoy's still on the air over at Stark.

[Jeff]

Oh, Bert. See, Remember that conversation?

[Jen]

I can't.

[Jeff]

Rude.

[Bert]

Say that. Rude.

[Jeff]

I don't think that's.

[Bert]

He's.

[Jen]

Rude birds, you know, he's not even a man.

[Bert]

Damn him.

[Jeff]

It's that blurred line of confidence and arrogance and being a jerk. Men don't know the difference.

[Jen]

And I think you should remember you have a birthday coming up next week.

[Jeff]

Stop it.

[Bert]

What does that mean? I'm approaching the same age. Hey, will you put the voice disguiser back on? Let's get Joe on. Hey, Joe.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Hey, man, I think really the bottom line here, dude, is that I think you're forgetting that these are lives at stake here, man. I mean, there are people that deserve to be in that office.

[Joe]

Yeah, but my life's at stake, too. And this is a job for me. And he's gonna do the thing anyway.

[Jeff]

So, you know, so do it ethically. So do it right and do it ethically and base it upon their work and their productivity, not upon their personality or, you know, or whether they like you or not.

[Joe]

Well, I am basing it on their work and their productivity. That's exactly what they're basing on.

[Jen]

And I'm basing it on keeping the hottie around.

[Jeff]

Cause she's hot and she's giving you attention. You sound to me like a very insecure person who needs a lot of attention. And if people don't give it to you or make you feel like you're the coolest, whatever, then you're gonna have them on the get fired list.

[Joe]

Well, I think it's a pretty good indicator how you treat people is how you're gonna be with the team in the long term.

[Jeff]

You are self centered, you know, don't you?

[Bert]

Don't you?

[Joe]

I think I am.

[Jen]

Son of a butter stick.

[Joe]

I think I'm gonna give you him a pretty accurate report on how these people are, you know.

[Jeff]

What kind of report are you gonna give? Tell me what you're gonna say about Sweetie Pie that justifies her staying there. And I mean, because what you've told us has nothing to do with her job performance.

[Bert]

Are you legitimately gonna tell him, look, this is the reason why this guy's got to go. This is the reason why he's got to go and she's got to go. Or are you gonna make stuff up?

[Joe]

No, I'm not gonna make anything up. I'm gonna say, you know, he gassy, takes three, you know, 30 minute bathroom breaks. You know, so and so is cheap. Even though he makes a lot of money, he should be taking me out to lunch. Things like this he never did for all the chores I did for him. And you know, I'm gonna tell him about Hypochondriac. I'll call her. You know, laying her head on the desk, you know, complaining this and that, making everyone else in the office feel sick. There's nothing dishonest about that at all.

[Jeff]

What about Sweetie Pie?

[Joe]

She's like the sweetest person in the.

[Bert]

World, but she's not even a good worker.

[Jeff]

Not.

[Bert]

We're not gonna make you. I'm not gonna make you realize what you're doing here. All right, Joe, I will talk to you later, man.

[Jeff]

Now let's, yeah, let's see if Sweetie Pie, you know, accepts his advances or rejects them before the 1st of May, and then that'll determine her job. And that's, you know, that's a typical workplace environment for some people.

[Bert]

Hey, Joe will check in with you tomorrow, okay? All Right. Bye.

[Jeff]

I'm done with him.

[Bert]

We've got four days to try to figure out, you know, how to talk him out of this.

[Jeff]

I don't like him.

[Jen]

The Birch Show.

[Bert]

Hey everyone.

[Jen]

Ed Helms here.

[Bert]

And hi, I'm Cal Penn and we're the hosts of Irsay the Audible and I Heart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Jenny Garth, host of the iHeart podcast. I choose me to discuss the new Audible adaptation of the timeless Jane Austen classic Pride and Prejudice.

[Jen]

This is not a trick question. There's no wrong answer.

[Bert]

What role would I play?

[Jeff]

You know what? I can see you as Mr. Darcy. You got a little Colin Firth.

[Bert]

Okay, that's really sweet. I appreciate that. But are you sure I'm not the dad? I'm not Mr. Bennett. Here, listen to Earsay the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Various Callers]

Let's be real. When it comes to your health, authenticity matters. For nearly 30 years, Iherb has quietly built one of the world's leading online wellness destinations. Trusted by millions of customers in 180 countries. At iHerb, every product comes from verified top rated brands, stored, handled and shipped directly from our own climate controlled, state of the art facilities. No third party sellers, no shortcuts, just the highest standards of quality and transparency. From cart to doorstep. That's why more and more people are turning to Iherb, where wellness and integrity meet. Visit iherb.com, trusted wellness delivered worldwide.

[Bert]

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. One of the perks about having four kids that you know about is actually getting a direct line to the big man up north. And this year he wants you to know the best gift that you can.

[Various Callers]

Give someone is the gift of Mint.

[Bert]

Mobile's unlimited wireless for $15 a month.

[Various Callers]

Now you don't even need to wrap it.

[Bert]

Give it a try. @mintmobile.com Upfront payment of $45 for three.

[Various Callers]

Month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes if network's busy, taxes and fees extra.

[Bert]

See mint mobile.com twas A cold winter's night and without any heat.

[Jeff]

I wore Bomba socks so they'd warm up my feet. Yay. My feet cried.

[Bert]

These socks are the best.

[Jeff]

So cushy and warm I can finally rest. But don't rest, I said.

[Bert]

There's more if you please.

[Jeff]

Bombas also makes underwear, slippers and tees and for each thing you purchase, they donate one new to someone who needs it.

[Bert]

So they're cozy, too. Everybody deserves to feel good all the time. So gift Bombas this season.

[Jen]

That's the end of this rhyme.

[Bert]

Go to bombas.comaudio and use code audio for 20 off your first purchase. Producer Tracy told me yesterday, right after the show that she got a call from Lucifer Joe. I did.

[Jeff]

And he is very, very disappointed in all of you.

[Bert]

Not mad, just disappointed.

[Jeff]

Just disappointed.

[Jen]

I was supporting him.

[Jeff]

He's not mad at you?

[Jen]

Of course not.

[Bert]

Jeff had his back. You want to tell us what we're about to walk into here?

[Jeff]

No, I think it would be nice.

[Bert]

If you just walked into.

[Various Callers]

I would just walk right into it.

[Bert]

Okay, now, for those of you that don't know, this is the guy we've had on for a week, every single day. He said that he's been hired by his friend, father's best friend, to just kind of look and lurk around the office because they have to cut six people in an 18 people office. And this is the guy that's supposed to report back on May 1st and give kind of a report on who should get the axe.

[Jeff]

And in theory, it makes sense. I mean, you have somebody come in as a new employee that nobody's paying much attention to, and they're just kind of taking a look at the productivity of people, you know, how they are in the office and that kind of thing. But we just have a problem with Joe because he's not really doing it based on productivity in the office.

[Bert]

So you guys have been calling up, and we've been pretty hard on them the last couple of days. Only because there are lives at stake, you know, there are careers at stake. One woman is a foster mom, and he said that she was spending too much time on the phone.

[Jeff]

Yeah, whole family's at stake. Yeah, Well, I think that the main ones we have a problem with are the fact that there was one woman in the office we deemed sweetie pie, and she's safe because he has the hots for. And then anybody that's taking him to, like, a Braves game or gave him tickets to the Masters or whatever, that they're safe. But people who don't take him to lunch or that kind of thing, from what we've gathered, they're not safe.

[Bert]

Okay, Lucifer, why are you disappointed in us?

[Joe]

Hello?

[Bert]

Hello?

[Joe]

Yes, I pretty much had it with you guys. You judged me. I tried to call the station. I thought this would be interesting, but it's really not very interesting. It's getting kind of boring for me. You're judging me. You're being not nice to me. You're calling me Lucifer, you're beating me up. You know, you're not here. You don't know what I have to go through every day doing this. So, you know, I don't know what you would do in the same situation. So you're. You know.

[Bert]

Well, we would. We would think that we would try to handle it with some ethics, you know, like you were to actually check out the 18 people in the office. And you. You make recommendations on who deserves to be there and who doesn't based on their job performance and that. We've been. We've been trying to beat that in your head now for five days.

[Joe]

Well, that's easy for you to say, being in your position and not being in mine. But I wonder what you would do in the same position. I wonder what office politics goes on there at your office. Ned, it's not. It's not. It's not an easy thing to do, let me tell you. And you're judging me. Like you're holier than now. You know, you're not perfect. You're not all high and mighty.

[Jeff]

Well, now, Joe, I think. Now, you said you. That we don't know what you go through. Well, explain to us what you go through. Because all we. What our perception is based on what you have told us.

[Joe]

Well, I told you the things that happened in the office and how I'm judging them and writing them down and keeping track with everything.

[Jen]

Do you think the stuff that you were talking, telling us about might have been a little more personal and a little less business?

[Joe]

Of course it's personal. Business relationships and office relationships are personal. I'm in to judge people, how they react, and that this is a team atmosphere and how people react to each other, how they work together, how many hours they spend working. I'm putting everything down, and you guys are judging me. You mean, I wonder what goes on in your office.

[Jeff]

Okay, you mean to tell me we're supposed to feel bad for you now? After all this, after the last week of you talking about these people and you putting them down, and you making fun of the guy who has some stomach problems? You making fun of the woman who's a hypochondriac? You talking about the guy who took out Sweetie Pie on a date, now, all of a sudden, today, we're supposed to flip and feel bad for you? Give me a break. You're totally handling. You're totally handling this unethically we've all said it over and over again, and I was really hoping that you were gonna come on here today and say that you have been discovered in your office somehow and that you've been busted and that you've been fired. I'm really actually disappointed that you still have the job that you have.

[Joe]

Well, I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me. I'm asking you to not judge. To not judge me. And you're judging, and you're making me out to be the bad guy. You're calling me a looser. I mean, I don't even know why I keep calling it. I'm not gonna keep doing it. It's no good. You know, it's no good. And I'm not gonna do it anymore neither.

[Jeff]

Whoa.

[Jen]

I'm sorry about that. That was his real question.

[Joe]

Bad guy.

[Various Callers]

And I don't want to take the.

[Joe]

Chance of getting caught doing this.

[Jeff]

Well, it's no good, but neither are your decisions.

[Bert]

Well, listen, Jeff, don't do that.

[Jen]

What?

[Bert]

We can't do that.

[Jen]

I'm just trying to adjust this.

[Bert]

You can't do that. That's not what we're.

[Jen]

I'm just adjusting it.

[Bert]

Go ahead.

[Joe]

I just say, you know, watch yourselves. That's all I'm gonna say. Cause I'm gonna be keeping my ears on you guys.

[Bert]

You think someone's gonna. Someone's gonna hire you here? Someone's gonna hire you as a spy here?

[Jeff]

Why, I oughta.

[Joe]

Your manager's gonna know. The newspaper's gonna know. The government's gonna know.

[Bert]

The government is gonna know.

[Joe]

Okay, watch yourselves.

[Jeff]

Okay?

[Joe]

We know what happened at the other station. I'm not gonna name anything, but we know what we're talking about here.

[Various Callers]

And that.

[Jeff]

And you're the one that did that.

[Joe]

I'll be watching you guys.

[Bert]

So you're gonna listen for it and you're gonna. And you're gonna call the government on us.

[Joe]

Okay, well, I'll be keeping my ears open, so watch yourself. You watch yourself really close. Okay?

[Bert]

All right.

[Joe]

All right.

[Jeff]

You have got to be kidding me. That is called desperation right there.

[Bert]

Voice disguiser off.

[Jen]

I can't believe you wouldn't let me take the voices.

[Bert]

You can't do that.

[Jen]

Why not?

[Bert]

Because he came on with us, and we promised him that we would disguise his voice even if he's an idiot. We can't do that.

[Jen]

Yeah, and then he's level.

[Bert]

Hey, Mindy, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Various Callers]

Yeah, I. I really think we owe him an apology. For calling him. What do we call him?

[Joe]

Lester?

[Bert]

Loser? Lucifer.

[Various Callers]

Lucifer. Because really, I think a better, more exact name or a better name to call him is Woosie. He's a big fat wussy. And at first I thought he was a fraud, but I'm totally convinced that he is a spoiled, pathetic little rich boy from his actions. Not being able to finish the job with you guys, not being able to be a man and take what is thrown at him. He's a quitter. And that's why Daddy has to get him a job.

[Bert]

How about Wistifer? We can do both.

[Various Callers]

I think he should be Wisther.

[Bert]

Wistifer. All right.

[Jeff]

And he's gonna go to Daddy and say, daddy, I want you to listen to that, Birch. I don't want you to. When she do something bad because they.

[Bert]

Were mean to me and call the government on them.

[Various Callers]

You know, what happened at that other.

[Jeff]

Radio station happened to you.

[Various Callers]

What's your butt.

[Bert]

Hey, Aaron, you're on all the hips. Q100.

[Various Callers]

Hey, guys. How y' all doing?

[Jeff]

Hey.

[Various Callers]

I still think he lying. I mean, if he's the new guy on the show, why is everybody giving him the gift? We don't know who he is.

[Bert]

You lost. You lost me.

[Jeff]

Yeah, why is that? He said, why is everybody in the office giving him Braves tickets or taking him to lunch or taking him to the master's? Maybe they know.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Various Callers]

Because.

[Jeff]

Yeah, if somebody new comes in the.

[Bert]

Office, I mean, so maybe they know he's the guy. You think? Well, that's. Boy, that's a great point. I hadn't even thought of that. Like, why would they be giving this guy tickets and stuff if he's a new guy? Master.

[Jeff]

How hard those are to come by.

[Bert]

Well, that's a great point, Aaron. I didn't even see that, man.

[Various Callers]

All right. Yeah, y' all got a great show.

[Bert]

Thank you.

[Jen]

I appreciate it.

[Jeff]

Thank you.

[Various Callers]

I switched over from V103. I'm glad I switched.

[Bert]

Well, so are we, man. You just made it a better show. Thank you for calling.

[Various Callers]

I appreciate it.

[Jen]

Bye.

[Joe]

Bye.

[Jeff]

Thank God he's back, because we wouldn't have thought of that without him calling.

[Bert]

I didn't even. Never even register. Never even registered. Good morning. All the hits. Q100.

[Various Callers]

This guy is the biggest loser. I just. I cannot stand this guy. You're talking to a guy who probably can't even go to the bathroom by himself.

[Jeff]

But he can get the government. Honestly, he can't. Oh.

[Jen]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Various Callers]

I mean, he's just. I mean, this guy Is by far the biggest 8 year old that I've. That I've ever. That I've ever heard on the radio. And this guy. You're right, exactly right. He has to probably go to his daddy and he's just going to go to his daddy. He's like, they were mean to me. Go over there and slap their hands.

[Bert]

Well, I can't.

[Jen]

He's going to call the government on us. And I can't wait to see the switchboard at Purdue's office when that one comes in. Hello? Is this the government?

[Various Callers]

He probably can't even dial 411, so don't even worry about it.

[Bert]

Thank you. The bird show. We got three minutes. What do you guys want to talk about?

[Jen]

Middle names.

[Jeff]

I actually, instead of middle. Well, we got. We got tickled. Jen and I got tickled because instead of middle names we were talking about people who had unfortunate names in school.

[Bert]

You know what I'm talking about? The side bottom twins.

[Jeff]

Well, more of insinuating names. Like you want to. Can we talk about this? I don't know. I. I don't know if I can.

[Jen]

If you spell the last name and tell us what the first name was.

[Bert]

Jen's freaked out by the whole FCC thing, so.

[Jeff]

Okay, I know the memo sitting in front me.

[Jen]

She always called herself the third regular guy.

[Jeff]

Okay. The girl's last name is D, I X. And first name Sharon.

[Bert]

See, that's gonna hurt.

[Jeff]

That's an unfortunate name.

[Bert]

That's gonna hurt for a long time. That's really sad. Especially when you're a kid.

[Jen]

Yeah, I mean, they don't have to be offensive names like that too. Like.

[Joe]

Who?

[Jen]

Did you say Snodgrass or something?

[Jeff]

Yes, I had. I think it was high school or. No, no. Girl who pledged my sorority like two years behind me. Hope Snodgrass.

[Jen]

And you're. I want to go Peanut pot or whatever.

[Bert]

Cherry, Ounce of peapot. Cherry on cherry, Ounce of pea.

[Jeff]

What's her first name?

[Bert]

Lois.

[Jeff]

And that whole thing is the last.

[Bert]

Name Cherry, ounce of peapot. Lois, why don't you call. She used to. She lives here in Atlanta now.

[Jeff]

Lois. I'm sorry.

[Bert]

I talked to her about her one time on the air and she called and emailed and now whenever her name comes up, she won't call anymore because.

[Jeff]

I mean, the origination of names is usually used to be, I think, to identify what, like you did for a living or, you know, there's some history to each name and I just wonder what.

[Bert]

Cherry, Ounce of Peapot. Yeah, well, I think it was. She's either Vietnamese or Thai or something like that. But it had like 932 letters in the last name.

[Jen]

Man.

[Jeff]

I wonder what it means. My husband's parents are Lois and Clark.

[Bert]

They are?

[Jeff]

Yeah. They're so. Hobbyville. Freaking Hobbyville. Well, it's not my. It's not. It's not the hobby side of the thing. But it's your in laws. Yeah, my hobby's in laws are Lois.

[Jen]

And Clark and Jen's parents named Or, Ward and June.

[Bert]

I think we can do this because it's a last name.

[Jen]

Hey, Corey, if it sounds risky, just have him spell it.

[Bert]

Go ahead, spell the name. We're talking about the.

[Various Callers]

The name is S, H I, T.

[Joe]

T, L, E, R. S, H, I.

[Bert]

T, T, L, E, R. No, the.

[Various Callers]

Kid never got over five feet and he just got hurt all around.

[Jeff]

Like, if I was the dad, I probably would have gone and changed it to just the L's. Schiller, you know? Yeah.

[Bert]

You gotta run some of these names through Ellis Island.

[Jeff]

That's gonna be tough for him to propose, too. Will you marry me? Yes. Only if I don't have to take your last name.

[Jen]

How about you take my name?

[Jeff]

I wonder if there are women out there that have either not married a guy or had that big debate on the fact that she will not take his name. Not for independent reasons, because his name was so bad. Yeah, I'm sure.

[Bert]

Hey, Jenny. Hey, Jenny.

[Various Callers]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Hi.

[Jeff]

Hey.

[Jen]

Hi.

[Bert]

What's going on?

[Various Callers]

Oh, not much. Just left my book bag at home. And I wanted to tell you guys that my grandma went to school with a woman named Ophelia Rash.

[Bert]

Ophelia.

[Various Callers]

It doesn't sound very funny. But then when you think about it.

[Jeff]

It'S like, oh, Phil.

[Bert]

Yes, I will keep that with me all day today.

[Jen]

I know.

[Bert]

Thank you for that. I'm a damn sixth grader.

[Jeff]

And go find your book bag. I don't know.

[Jen]

There was. When I lived in Boston, a friend of a friend's name was first name Asian gentleman. First name was Fat. P H, A T. Last name Ho. Ho. That's a guy's name.

[Bert]

Not as good as. I feel your ass. Good morning, all the Hitsky 100.

[Jen]

What is this?

[Various Callers]

Hey, this is Tina.

[Bert]

Hey, Tina.

[Various Callers]

Hey. Okay. I used to work with a guy named Richard Seaman, but he. He wouldn't let people call him Richard. He said his name was Dick.

[Bert]

Sean, that is wrong. That's scarring. Do you think.

[Jen]

This can't be. This is a local number.

[Jeff]

Thank you, Tina. I remember hearing a Story about a baby. A baby being named because the woman really liked the color of paint that was in her hospital room. So she named her little baby Rose enamel, which was Rose enamel. Oh, come on.

[Bert]

That's urban legend. That's urban legend. Good morning. All the hits. Q100.

[Jeff]

Hello. Hi.

[Bert]

Now you are gonna. I see the name that you were gonna tell us about. You are gonna have to spell this one.

[Various Callers]

Okay. It's. It's spelled P H U, C. Okay. And his last name is Me.

[Jeff]

M E. No way.

[Bert]

Now, you know this person or is this urban legend?

[Various Callers]

Student in my classroom.

[Jeff]

Oh, you are kidding. No.

[Bert]

That is so incredibly wrong.

[Jeff]

Like, what do you call him when you have to call him in class?

[Various Callers]

We call him Spooky Fook.

[Jen]

Okay, I'm looking at.

[Bert]

There's a website I'd like to introduce you to my best friend. Feel your ass.

[Jen]

Here's a website that I found that has some.

[Bert]

The Fook ass. Kids.

[Jen]

Here's a website I found appropriately named. I'll give you the last name and then the first name, and then Bert, you recite them in the proper order.

[Bert]

Okay. What was that again?

[Jen]

Last name. I'm gonna give you names. Last name first. These are the way. These are actual scans of telephone listings. These are legitimately. And this is on a website, so it's legit because it's on the Internet. Bert, the last name is Long. First name is Harden.

[Bert]

And you want me to do with that? What was that?

[Jen]

Say how hard and long. That's the guy's name.

[Bert]

You're 12.

[Jeff]

We're 12.

[Bert]

That feels good.

[Jen]

Is that one any better than Bolivar? Shag Nasty or Constant?

[Bert]

Farter.

[Jen]

F A R, D, E, R. It's right there. Jen.

[Bert]

No.

[Jeff]

Constance Farter.

[Bert]

Hey, Jen, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Various Callers]

Hey, y'.

[Jeff]

All.

[Various Callers]

How are y' all doing?

[Bert]

Good. How are you?

[Various Callers]

Good. I swear to God this is true and I'm just gonna spell it, but I went to high school with a girl and her last name was T A N, G. She was Asian and her first name was P U H.

[Jeff]

Oh, no.

[Various Callers]

I swear to God, the poor girl didn't understand it. She was with and people used to make fun of her all the time.

[Bert]

Poor little Pong. Oh, it's a sad Pong story.

[Joe]

Thank you.

[Jeff]

Bye.

[Bert]

Bye. I hate sad stories about baby.

[Jen]

This is just a funny name. It doesn't come off to be anything but. It's Nimrod and Amanda Funk.

[Jeff]

Nimrod? Who's gonna name the child Nimrod?

[Jen]

I don't know.

[Bert]

There's a high school mascot that's the Nimrods.

[Jen]

Yeah, they're an ESPN commercial.

[Bert]

Yeah, all the time.

[Jen]

Who would root for the Nimrods?

[Bert]

Hey, Brandon, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Various Callers]

Hey, good morning.

[Bert]

Morning.

[Various Callers]

I had a friend of mine, her name was April Butts and she was dating a friend of mine named Spanky. Had she taken he taken her name.

[Jen]

It would have been Spanky Butts.

[Bert]

Spanky Butts.

[Jeff]

Spanky Butts.

[Bert]

But.

[Various Callers]

But the bad part is she left him and went and dated a guy named Scooter. So he'd have been Scooterbus.

[Bert]

Scooterbus. That's my new on air name.

[Jen]

Here's the last name.

[Bert]

Bert.

[Jen]

H O A R E. H O A. Okay, first name is Anita.

[Bert]

Anita Hore.

[Jeff]

Oh, see, it's in the phone book.

[Bert]

I don't believe it. It's in the phone.

[Jen]

They have telephone numbers. There's a place. There's an Atlanta number. The Atlanta Wee wee Inspector. I kid you not. It's highlighted.

[Jeff]

That looks pretty funny.

[Jen]

Atlanta we be inspecting.

[Bert]

Hey, Ricky.

[Various Callers]

Hey.

[Bert]

Go ahead, add to the pot.

[Various Callers]

I know a family in Macon. The dad's name is Ben Dover, the mom's name is Eileen Dover.

[Joe]

And they even went as far as.

[Various Callers]

Naming their kid after the dad and his name is Ben Dover Jr. That's so.

[Bert]

I mean, you should be able to call defects on a family like that. All right, last one here and then we're all going on our field trip because we're on the sixth grade. Hey, good morning. Hold on one sec. Yeah, that's the one. What's going on? Julie, you got to be really, really, really careful with this. Go ahead and spell it. You got to spell it.

[Various Callers]

Hey, Melissa, this is Julie from Dallas. It's a Piedmont.

[Jeff]

Hey, Julie. How are you?

[Joe]

Fine. Good.

[Various Callers]

I have a friend that's a teacher in Clayton county and she had a little kid and his name last name was spelled S H I T H E A D. But they called him Shah seed.

[Joe]

Too.

[Various Callers]

That was always so good.

[Bert]

Thank you for calling.

[Various Callers]

All right, thanks, guys.

[Jeff]

Oh, Shafid in the morning.

[Bert]

With sidekicks Poo Tang, Opilia ass and bend over.

[Jen]

Fan Ho and Fat Ho.

[Jeff]

All right.

[Bert]

We did it. We killed. We killed. Three minutes successfully in an entertaining three minutes.

[Jen]

The website, by the way, is funnyname.com.

[Jeff]

If you want to entertaining to who, by the way, to us.

[Bert]

The Birch show. Your new home is now ready. Dr. Horton, America's builder has new homes that are ready today with new construction communities in Ellensburg and throughout the Greater Seattle area. Dr. Horton has the right home for you. At Dr. Horton we're still building with flexible living spaces, smart home technology and two and three car garages. More communities and more homes available every day. Find your new home in Ellensburg now ready at Dr. Horton.com Dr. Horton America's builder and equal Housing Opportunity Builder.

[Various Callers]

ACAST.

[Bert]

Powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

[Various Callers]

So are we actually going to tell people.

[Bert]

What this podcast is?

[Various Callers]

It's Gloss Angeles. We talk about beauty. And by beauty we mean proven science, celebrity glam, debunking Internet narratives, and whatever.

[Bert]

Drama TikTok has cooked up before 9am.

[Various Callers]

Plus the products you should actually use, not just the products going viral on your feed. We are two beauty journalists who've been in this industry long enough to know what's real, what's marketing, and what's basically a group hallucination. And we're obsessed with the why behind trends, why everyone suddenly wants to smell.

[Jeff]

Like a cupcake, why teens are doing.

[Various Callers]

Nine step routines, and why some celebrity brands work and others don't.

[Bert]

And if you want the the real.

[Various Callers]

Insider experience, join Gloss Angeles Confidential, where you get to test products before they launch. It's like being a beauty editor without the inbox trauma. So if you want the truth, the tea, the science, the scandal, and the occasional emotional breakdown over sunscreen, welcome to Los Angeles.

[Jen]

ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize.

[Bert]

Their podcast everywhere acast. Com.