Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, December 9 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, December 9 [Vault]

Date: December 9, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)

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Episode Overview

This episode delivers classic Bert Show fare: real, funny, and unfiltered discussions that revolve around listener dilemmas, cast banter, and lighthearted pranks. The main focus is on listener “Mary Jane,” who needs advice on whether to confess a long-held secret to her boyfriend before he proposes. The team then addresses another listener’s tattoo mishap and wraps up with a prank call featuring a very competitive sports dad. Along the way, the group balances serious relationship insights with playful ribbing, ensuring the show is both relatable and entertaining.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Mary Jane’s Age Secret: Should She Tell Her Boyfriend?

Timestamps: [01:35] – [14:36]

Situation Recap

• Mary Jane (voice disguised) calls in seeking advice. She moved to a new city, fell in love, and is expecting a marriage proposal.
• The dilemma: Dating for almost two years, Mary Jane has been passing as a decade younger due to a clerical error on her driver’s license. Her boyfriend, 33, thinks she is 32, but she is actually 42.

Panel Reactions & Listener Advice

• Burt: “You guys ever been in a situation like this where you're dating and you kind of tell a little lie?” [01:35]
• Jeff: Admits to being lied to, but not being the liar. [01:55]
• Liz: Jokes about the repercussions of such lies and mentions the ‘double standard’ (how men and women perceive age-related deception differently). [07:44]
• Mary Jane: Shares struggles maintaining the lie, including during pop culture references:
  “We were watching TV … and I was like, oh, I remember that show. … [He said] how would you know that? And I was like, oh, reruns. Nickelodeon.” [04:52]

Listener Call-ins

• Glenn: “The best thing to do is to tell him. Now, don't lead on about the engagement and all that, but let him know what happened with the license and how old you are. … If he really loves you, then I don’t think he may bail on something like this.” [06:39]
• Jeff: Raises the issue of trust: “The trust is the big issue. … I’ve been married for 23 years … and [between spouses], that trust issue is a huge one.” [08:38]
• Lori: Calls in as someone married to a younger man. “We dated for three years … we knew about it. We've been married for about three years. … It’s tough sometimes but it’s worth it.” [10:14]

Debate & Outcome

• The hosts debate whether to treat the situation seriously or with levity, with Jeff warning: “I think you should approach it as a serious thing. … Let it be known, in the beginning it was all innocent. … Make sure that he understands that you understand the significance of this.” [13:21]
• Mary Jane agrees seriousness is necessary: “It’s just not my personality to be that, like, over the top and make up something crazy … I think if I deliver it straight like that…” [13:28]
• The group encourages her to update them on the conversation’s result.

Notable Quote:
Jeff: “If you truly are in love with someone, I mean, age should not be the reason that you bail after this long.” [07:25]
Liz: “If you want to play this my man, you gotta go straight at her and just go, look, I want you to see what’s on my shoulder … this is a constant reminder of how much I hate Amanda and love you, baby.” [31:07]

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2. Max’s Tattoo Blunder

Timestamps: [17:50] – [31:50]

Situation Recap

• Max calls in using the voice disguiser.
• Celebrating with friends, he drunkenly receives a tattoo with the name “Amanda” (his ex-girlfriend) on his shoulder. His current girlfriend’s name is Kelly.

Panel & Listener Response

• Burt: “Not only is it the wrong woman’s name, but it is an ex-girlfriend. I mean, that complicates things.” [19:44]
• Max explains he was so drunk, he doesn’t remember much, and has been hiding the tattoo, claiming a bruise. [21:21]
• Liz & Hannah: Express doubt in the “drunken accident” argument, and suggest there’s no way to avoid consequences.

Suggestions for Damage Control

• Jeff: Suggests bringing a friend who was present to help tell Kelly, but panel doubts if that would help credibility. [22:43]
• Lori: Shares her own solution — tattooed an ex’s name on her neck, then covered it with skin-colored ink. [24:03]
• Discussion: All agree that honesty is the only good option, as covering up would be nearly impossible.
• Liz: “If you want to play this my man, here you go: you gotta go straight at her … this is a constant reminder of how much I hate Amanda and love you, baby.” [31:07]
• Consensus: The group jokes but ultimately agrees Max must come clean and suggest he update them on how it goes.

Memorable Moment:
Max jokingly considers dating the one caller who thought the tattoo debacle was funny, since she might be the only one who’d understand. [30:06]

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3. Prank Call: “Your Kid Isn’t Basketball Material”

Timestamps: [32:08] – [37:45]

Setup

• A classic Bert Show prank targeting a basketball dad (Mr. Smurfax). Posing as a youth basketball coach, Liz informs the father that his 7-year-old son and he himself aren’t cut out for basketball.

Prank Fallout

• Liz/“Coach”: “He’s going to be a detriment to any team he’s on.” [34:32]
• Dad: Defends his son, referencing Michael Jordan’s famous early setback. “Michael Jordan didn’t make the basketball team in high school when he was a freshman.” [35:02]
• Liz: Steadily increases absurdity, eventually makes a crack about the dad having a “small penis” in the locker room [36:52], amplifying the joke until the big reveal.
• The Reveal: “This is Jeff with the Burt Show over at all the hits Q100. Your wife has just found scammer.” [37:26]
• Dad’s Reaction: Laughter and relief on realizing it’s all a prank.

Notable Exchange:
Liz: “You’re not good.” [36:19]
Dad: “Who the are you? … I’ll play you anytime you want to go.” [36:23]
Liz: “Your wife gave us all the information. Including the small penis line.” [37:37]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Mary Jane on her secret: “It all started... I applied for my driver’s license, and when I got it back, it said I was 10 years younger... and I just used the birthday they gave me…” [03:17]
• On honesty: Glenn: “If he really loves you, I don’t think he may bail on something like this.” [06:39]
• Tattoo Cover-Up: Lori: “She was going to tattoo the skin color that matches my skin color so that it would basically blend in ... then you can tattoo any other name or character that you want in it.” [24:47]
• Prank call punchline: Liz: “We will scam you.” [37:45]

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Recurring Themes & Tone

• Authenticity: The hosts encourage honesty and vulnerability—be it in relationships or silly mistakes.
• Good-natured humor: Even tense topics are balanced with jokes and laughter.
• Audience inclusion: Callers are welcomed as key participants, and listeners are invited to follow up on ongoing stories.

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Useful Timestamps

• Mary Jane’s Age Dilemma Introduction: [01:35]
• Importance of Trust in Relationships: [08:38]
• Mary Jane’s Plan to Tell Boyfriend: [14:07]
• Max’s Tattoo Story Begins: [17:50]
• Tattoo Cover-Up Advice: [24:03]
• Prank Call with Basketball Dad: [32:08]
• Prank Call Reveal: [37:26]

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For New Listeners

If you haven’t tuned into The Bert Show before, this episode offers a perfect snapshot: genuine listener stories, authentic laughter, relationship advice, awkward confessions, and lighthearted pranks. The chemistry among Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and the extended cast ensures there’s never a dull moment—even when tackling life’s trickiest (or most embarrassing) situations.

Transcript

[Hannah Burner]

Okay, only 10 more presents to wrap. You're almost at the finish line.

[Mary Jane]

But first.

There, the last one.

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[Liz]

The Birch show.

[Burt]

You guys ever been in a situation like this where you're dating and you kind of tell a little lie?

[Hannah Burner]

Yes.

[Burt]

All right. And you're not exactly sure when you're supposed to, like when the relationship is getting serious enough to where you come clean.

[Jeff]

Yes.

[Burt]

And you keep putting it off. And you keep putting it off.

[Jeff]

I've never done the lying. No, I've been lied too.

[Burt]

Well, this lie has gotten to a point where it's way more serious. And she's coming to you Burchell listeners, asking for a little advice. We are going to call her Mary Jane.

[Liz]

Mary Jane. Mary Jane.

[Jeff]

Oh, God. How appropriate.

[Liz]

Hi, Mary Jane.

[Jeff]

Mary Jane.

[Burt]

And she's on the voice disguiser this morning. Hi, Mary Jane.

[Liz]

Hello.

[Jeff]

Hi.

[Burt]

How are you this morning?

[Mary Jane]

I'm doing pretty good. Yeah, I'm doing all right. Little anxious, but I'm doing okay. Yeah. Oh, it's weird. I can kind of hear it. It sounds strange.

[Burt]

There we go.

[Mary Jane]

Okay. Anyway, so I moved here and I met a really great guy. And he's really great. I'm really in love with him. And I Found out that he's going to be proposing to me pretty soon, and I'm a little worried about accepting because I've kind of led him along on a. Not a huge L.

I think it could mean something to people. So, you know, he might be upset if he finds out the truth.

[Burt]

Okay, now, you've been going out with this guy for how long?

[Mary Jane]

Basically, I met him about six weeks after I got here, so almost two years. We've been together two years.

[Burt]

Okay. And the lie that you've been telling him since day one.

[Mary Jane]

Okay.

It all started. Sounds really strange, but it started about 10 years ago. I applied for my driver's license, and when I got it back, it said that I was 10 years younger than what I really am. So I got it, you know, when I was 32, but it came back and said that I was 22. And now I've had this license, and every time I've applied for anything, I just, you know, I use the birthday that they gave me on a license, and I've never had any problems. But I'm worried now because if the.

[Jeff]

DMV says you're 22, sure, take it.

[Mary Jane]

Exactly. And I'm worried because, you know, when you get married, you have to fill out forms and, you know, that kind of thing. Really nervous about it.

[Jeff]

That's the only reason you want to tell the truth, is because you got to fill out these new forms.

[Mary Jane]

I just don't want him to be like, you know, oh, well, why didn't you say anything then? You know, just like, you know, she was just saying, oh, I'm from Miami, you know, I mean, that's a little bit different.

[Burt]

So how old are you really?

[Mary Jane]

Well, now I'm 42, but my license, you know, it says that I'm 32 and he's 33.

[Burt]

Oh, okay.

[Liz]

And you're 42?

[Mary Jane]

Yeah. And so he thinks I'm a year younger than him, not nine years older.

[Jeff]

Gotcha now. Because that takes a lot of. You know, it's one of those things where one lie requires, I mean, 12 different lies just to maintain that one lie. Like, I mean, you're talking about a different point of reference. You have to memorize a different year of birth. You have to. I mean, your parents have to go along with it. I mean, how have you been able to do this for two years?

[Mary Jane]

You know, let me tell you, it hasn't been easy. We were watching TV the other night. I won't say what it was. It was like one of those, like, I love the 70s or I love the 80s. And it was. They were talking, and I was like, oh, I remember that show. I love that show. And my boyfriend, hopefully fiance, said, how would you know that? And I was like, oh, reruns. Nickelodeon.

[Liz]

Yeah, blame it all on Nick and Knight.

[Jeff]

Right.

[Mary Jane]

So, I mean, I catch myself, but it's. I don't know. I mean, it hasn't been that big a deal up until now, but I hadn't really realized how serious, you know, he might be really upset by that.

[Burt]

All right, now let me ask you this. Just because it's a piece the puzzle, how do you know he's proposing?

[Mary Jane]

Well, his sister. His sister and I are pretty close, actually, because we're quote, unquote, close to the same age.

[Burt]

Oh, no. So the whole family. That's right. I hadn't even thought of that. The whole family is in on the lie, right?

[Mary Jane]

Exactly. And of course, they don't know, you know, but we had lunch this weekend, and she said, you know, oh, what are you guys planning on doing for Valentine's Day? And I was like, I don't know. We hadn't made that, you know, any plans for it. And she was like, oh, you should try to plan really romantic. Because I could just tell something was going on. And I was like, you know, why don't you tell me what's going on? And she said, well, I didn't want to be the one to say anything, but I know my brother's gonna propose to you in February. And instead of, like, you know, you'd think that would be, like, a really joyous occasion. I thought I was gonna pee my pants. Cause I'm like, oh, my gosh.

[Burt]

All right, so what we need to do here is we need to get some advice from Mary Jane on exactly what to do here. T.C.

[Glenn]

Good morning, everybod.

[Burt]

Strong dude. What's up?

[Lori]

Hey.

[Glenn]

How's it going for the lady on the phone? The best thing to do is to tell him. Now, don't lead on that, you know, about the engagement and all that, but let him know what happened with the license and how old you are. You know, just come clean on it. And you might be surprised, because if he really loves you, then I don't think he may not bail on something like that. You know, he might appreciate, you know, you just coming clean on it.

[Burt]

I think you've got a really great point there. That if she. If he sniffs out that the only reason why she's coming clean is because he's gonna propose, it will mean nothing.

[Glenn]

If she comes clean because then, oh, you have reason to come clean down rather than just out now doing it.

[Burt]

Yeah, great point, man. Right. All right, T.C. okay. I always love you calling up, man. Thanks.

[Jeff]

And he also brings a good point. I mean, and this is. You think about yourself. I mean, if you truly are in love with someone, I mean, age should not be the reason that you bail after this long.

[Burt]

Well, but the lie, though, I mean, let's, let's, let's reverse this because if, if it was a woman that was deceived for two years, this relationship is over.

[Liz]

Yeah, you can't reverse it because there's the, the double standard.

[Burt]

What do you mean?

[Liz]

Like, you can't reverse it because, you know, with this, like, you know, the situation is the girl, like, we're all looking like, oh, she's so crazy. She got that license and she never told anybody. Now she's in a pickle. What's she gonna do? Whereas the guy is gonna be like, he lied to me. What else did he lie about? He's probably bangin hotel we stayed at last weekend.

[Burt]

Jeff is right about. Is he wrong?

[Jeff]

Oh, well, then he's right. Well, if you can play the double standard card, then you should also know that is a woman going to be as freaked out about a guy's age as much as a guy will like the. I think the double standard will apply here. The fact that this woman is.

[Hannah Burner]

If it was the other way around and he was really 42 in line and saying he was.

[Jeff]

I don't think, I don't think, I think, I think. I don't think the age would be as much of a factor for the woman as the lying. Where. Here I think the age is going to play more of a factor in his head than the lying.

[Burt]

Good morning, Glenn. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Glenn]

Hey, I'm right with you, though. I think the trust is the big issue. You know, I mean, if he loves her, that's. He's got it with her and he's gonna have a wonderful time. I don't think the age is that much of an issue. But the fact that.

You know, that trust is. I've been married for 23 years, and between guys and husband and wife, that trust issue is a huge one. So she may want to, when she brings that up, you know, be in that kind of serious conversation and let him know that she's been honest with him in all other, in all other categories. And then, heck, I don't know if it's possible she Goes see a doc and see if she's in good shape. If kids are an issue, maybe the doc will give her a clean bill of health and let her know that, hey, you're good until about age 45. Beyond that, the risks, you know, get worse.

[Liz]

The pipes get dirty.

[Burt]

Yeah, you're from good stock. Let me check them gums, woman.

[Liz]

That's what I was thinking.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Let me check your teeth, honey.

But that's true if kids are a big issue.

[Hannah Burner]

I mean, the risks go up after 35.

[Jeff]

Yeah, but I think she. I think the thing. I think it's a little. I think it's a little judgmental to think that she's lied about everything she want woman again. I mean, it's a running joke. Women lie about their age. Now. This is a pretty big lie for lasting so long. But I think that that's being a little too judgmental on her, thinking that she's lying about other issues.

[Burt]

I think maybe the thing we need to focus on here, because everybody's going to say, you got to tell him now is how you tell him.

[Jeff]

Exactly.

[Burt]

Morning. All the hits. Q100.

[Lori]

Hi, this is Lori.

[Burt]

Hi, Laurie.

[Lori]

I am actually married to a man 10 years younger than me.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Lori]

And we dated for three years. And we knew about it. We've been married for about three years. And he's wonderful and we're both very understanding when we work, but it's tough because we'll be like you say, watching tv. And I remember that. And he's going, Yeah, I was 10. And it's very difficult sometimes, but it's weird. Worth it.

[Mary Jane]

That.

[Jeff]

But I mean, the difference is that he knew the whole time. Like, our question for Mary. Mary Jane needs help and in how to disclose the information to her boyfriend.

[Liz]

Here's how is Mary Jane had.

[Burt]

Yeah. Hold on.

[Liz]

You've been together two years, right?

[Mary Jane]

Yeah, almost two years.

[Liz]

And your license says you're 32. So he was with you when you turned 30 or.

[Mary Jane]

No.

No, when I first. I was quote, unquote, 22 when we met. Do you see what I'm saying?

[Liz]

And he was 23.

[Jeff]

So. Yeah.

[Paige Desorbo]

Okay.

[Mary Jane]

Yeah, he's supposed.

[Liz]

Or no, he would have been 23. Yeah.

[Mary Jane]

He's supposedly a year older than me.

[Burt]

What was your point?

[Liz]

Well, I was just gonna say here's what I would do because that's a momentous. I mean, that birthday celebration, it obviously would have been revealed because that's a big. You know, you get the cards with the 30 and all that stuff, and that's certainly gonna, you know, happen at the 40, too. So here's my thought, is I think she should just start right now, you know, admitting to her new age and acting like she never lied to him. Like, you know, like, when she goes.

[Burt]

And fills out, the guys will forget.

[Liz]

Let him look at it and go. He'll be like, you're 43. And have her go, yeah. What do you mean?

[Jeff]

That's a guy's tactic, too. See, because it'll be like, you know, the guy be like, what are you talking about?

[Burt]

What are you talking about?

[Jeff]

Yeah, I never lied about my age.

[Burt]

Mary Jane, hold on. Okay, what I want to do is I want to take a couple of calls from guys wondering, like, exactly how she should approach it, because, I mean, she's going to have to tell the guy. So I think the advice we really need here is what does she say to soften the blow a little bit and.

[Jeff]

Exactly. And we're just going to hope that everything's going to work out fine. So I don't want the guys to call and say, man, this ain't going to work. This is never going to work. He's going to bail. You know, like Bert said it'd be more, okay, it's going to work out. But how should she tell him?

[Burt]

Mary Jane? Yeah, well, you got a tough conversation.

[Hannah Burner]

I like.

[Mary Jane]

I think I like the last one, though. Well, I mean, that seems like the least because he's my. Oh, I hope. Fiance. He's pretty easygoing. You know, he's got a really great sense of humor, so.

[Jeff]

Well, I just can't believe.

[Liz]

Yeah, this is funny.

[Mary Jane]

I'm nervous.

[Burt]

This is a knee slapper.

[Liz]

Yeah, it's like Cosby almost.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Mary Jane, I think you need to combine the last two callers. I think that this is a serious issue. I mean, I think that this could. I mean, the age difference and, you know, the whole. The family aspect and the future and everything. I think you should approach it as a serious thing. I don't think you should approach it as a joke, but you should let it be known. Look, in the beginning, it was all innocent. I mean, I just didn't think it would be a big deal, but I really feel bad about it. Like, make sure that he understands that you understand the significance of this.

[Burt]

Absolutely.

[Jeff]

You know, because you don't want to. You don't want to insult his feelings by acting like it's one big joke.

[Mary Jane]

No, no, no, no.

[Paige Desorbo]

Not at all.

[Mary Jane]

I could never do that. I mean, but I. I don't know. It's just not my personality to be that, like, over the top and make up something really crazy for him to, you know, and then kind of lessen the fall. So I think if I deliver it straight like that, like you were saying, like, oh, it wasn't that big a deal when we met, but. And maybe even bring in the whole, like, remember the other night we were watching tv.

I have something to tell you.

[Liz]

Let me just. Let me flick this against the mirror and see how it pans out.

[Jeff]

Mary Jane, honestly, I mean, I really want to know what. I really want to know what happens. You have to let us know how the conversation goes.

[Burt]

Do you have any idea when you might have this talk with him?

[Mary Jane]

Well, I think. I think the first call, that guy had it right. I definitely need to tell him beforehand because I'm sure he would be upset if he knew that was the only reason I was telling him.

[Burt]

Will you do us a favor and will you email producer Tracy and tell her right before you're about to have the conversation so we can tell everybody you're going to and then we'll talk to you the next day?

[Mary Jane]

Okay.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Mary Jane]

Okay.

[Liz]

Good luck. All right.

[Jeff]

Good luck.

[Mary Jane]

I really appreciate it.

[Burt]

Good luck.

[Mary Jane]

Thanks, Liz.

[Burt]

See ya.

[Jeff]

Bye.

[Burt]

Yeah, I don't know that that's gonna go well.

[Hannah Burner]

No.

[Jeff]

Well, yeah, I think there needs to be a lot more levity. I think she needs to be a little more serious about it instead of if she purchased him with giggly and by the way, right.

[Lori]

I'm 42.

[Jeff]

Isn't that hilarious?

[Burt]

If y' all thought we were as cool as we really are, we'd never get into fights at all. We're as serious as y'.

[Jeff]

All.

[Burt]

Stuff like this. Yeah, she's got to take it seriously.

[Liz]

The Birch Show.

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway.

[Burt]

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[Liz]

All the parties and the end of year celebrations.

[Burt]

But don't forget to take care of yourself by stocking up on your favorite nutritional products.

[Liz]

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[Burt]

Restrictions apply.

[Liz]

Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[Hannah Burner]

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[Mary Jane]

Hannah Burner Are those the cozy Tommy.

[Paige Desorbo]

John pajamas you're buying Paige desorbo? They are Tommy John and yes, I'm stocking up because they make the best holiday gifts.

[Jeff]

So generous.

[Paige Desorbo]

Well, I'm a generous girly, especially when it comes to me. So I'm grabbing the softest sleepwear, comfiest underwear and best fitting loungewear.

[Mary Jane]

So nothing for your bestie?

[Paige Desorbo]

Of course I'm getting my dad Tommy John. Oh, and you?

[Mary Jane]

Of course it's giving holiday gifting made easy.

[Paige Desorbo]

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[Burt]

All right, voice disguiser on. We are going to call virtual listener Max. Good morning. Hey, how are you today?

[Mary Jane]

Okay, how you doing?

[Burt]

Good, how are you?

[Mary Jane]

Well, I got a little problem.

[Burt]

Yeah, go ahead and relay your problem and then hopefully we can have some Birch show listeners give us a call up and try to give you some advice on how to get this thing reversed, man. Cause you are in a world of trouble right now.

[Max]

Yes, I am.

Me and my girl's been going out for about almost two years. We have a really good relationship and I Was out recently with some old college friends. We were having a big party, celebrating. One of my old friends got divorced. We were having a big party for that, and, well, you know, we tied one on pretty well, and we went out and partied. Well, apparently, I got a tattoo while I was.

[Burt]

Well, I mean, not apparently able to tell if you got a tattoo.

[Max]

I don't remember exactly, but I got one.

[Liz]

It's there now, and it wasn't the.

[Burt]

Day before, so apparently. There you go.

[Glenn]

It's nice.

[Max]

It's a nice. It's a heart on my shoulder, you know, nice big heart underneath it. Nice engraved Amanda always. You know. Well, the problem is my girlfriend's name is Kelly.

[Liz]

Oh, God.

[Jeff]

Now, do you know an Amanda, or is that.

[Max]

Yeah, yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

No.

[Jeff]

So this is a woman, you know?

[Max]

No. Well, the woman I knew, it was my. It was my. My high school sweetheart and a couple of years of college. It was a pretty heavy thing. All these guys remember me from when, you know, Amanda was everything. So I don't know how one thing led to another, but.

[Hannah Burner]

So do you think that you told the tattoo artist to put Amanda, or do you think that your buddies told.

[Jeff]

The tattoo artist to put Amanda?

[Max]

I think they did.

[Jeff]

That's me.

[Liz]

That's Jack. That's awesome.

[Jeff]

I mean, it's not. I mean, not only is it the wrong woman's name, but it is an ex girlfriend. I mean, that complicates things.

[Max]

Oh, yeah.

[Burt]

So, wait, how does this whole thing work? Because when I went to go get my tattoo, I mean, as soon as I walked into that little room, I'm there all by myself, and I tell them what I want on my arm. So these guys told them what to put on your arm, and you didn't have anything to say about it?

[Max]

Yeah, I don't remember. I don't remember ever being alone. I remember a whole mess of us at the tattoo place, and everyone sort of standing around while the guy was doing it. You know, they were kind of giving me shots while the guy was doing it, so I don't know what to do.

[Jeff]

I don't know if I'm gonna have.

[Max]

To break up with Kelly or not.

[Jeff]

Yeah, I'm surprised because I. You know, I have a little tattoo myself, and you're not supposed. I mean, like, tattoo parlors usually try not to allow people who are that intoxicated from getting a tattoo.

[Burt]

They turned me down when me and my buddy John. Same situation you were in. My buddy John, who I've known since, like, the sixth grade, he came to Visit me in Dallas. And we're like, hey, you know what, dude? We're gonna go out. We're gonna get the same arm, man. Let's go. We were hammered, and we walk into the tattoo place, and the guy says, you may be able to get a crappy tattoo down there that drunk, but if I do it, I am an artist, and you're so drunk that your blood thins out. And it would make the tattoo look all skanky, so he wouldn't do it. So we had to go back the next day.

[Max]

We were about. We were well out of Atlanta, and from what I remember, one of my. One of the friends knew the tattoo guy. I think that's probably why it was. It was. You know, we were drinking there and everything.

[Liz]

Neat.

[Burt]

So your friends go in there and set you up. Man, that's jacked up. So your girlfriend hasn't seen a tattoo yet? Obviously.

[Max]

No.

[Burt]

How have you hid that from her?

[Max]

I told her I hit my arm, and I had a really bad black and blue, so I didn't want her to see it.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh.

[Burt]

But I figured, well, the good news is she's not smart.

[Max]

So we got that going for us. She'll be clearing up. She's probably wondering already.

[Liz]

All right.

[Glenn]

Oh, man.

[Burt]

So what's your question?

[Max]

Well, I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to break up with her. I don't want to, you know, I'm not sure how to show it to her without ending everything, you know.

[Hannah Burner]

So you're not going to have it removed?

[Max]

Well, yeah, I can't have it removed just yet. I think it has to. You can't have it removed, like, until, like, two weeks or something after you got it.

[Liz]

And removing a tattoo takes a year?

[Max]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Does it really?

[Liz]

Yeah. Like, you have to laser it, and you have to go in for, like, 10 treatments.

[Burt]

I didn't know that. I don't know what the whole procedure was.

[Max]

I didn't know that.

[Jeff]

Now Max is now mad.

[Burt]

Yeah, you should have been mad last week when you got the tattoo. It's time to do a little research, my friend.

[Hannah Burner]

Does your girlfriend Kelly have the kind of temper? Cause you just said, like, I don't know if I should break up with her. Like, are you afraid that as soon as she sees this, she's gonna break up with you immediately?

[Max]

I'm afraid she's gonna kill me.

[Burt]

He's not breaking up. He's gonna work.

[Max]

He's got a little tapper.

[Glenn]

Yeah.

[Burt]

All right, Max, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna put you on hold, and I'm gonna take some calls from Burt Shoal listeners. Cause if I put both of you guys on the voice disguiser, it just sounds really, really funky. Okay?

[Max]

Okay.

[Burt]

So hold on, and I'll come back to you.

[Jeff]

I know what I'd do.

[Burt]

What would you do?

[Jeff]

I would drag one of my friends that was there that night with me to go tell her.

[Burt]

You don't do that. That's jacked up. That's a great idea, though.

[Jeff]

No, it's not jacked up, because it's jacked up that the friends allowed that wrong name to be tattooed. That.

That friend's coming with me to go tell Kelly that I got the wrong tattoo.

[Burt]

That's a really great idea. You drag one of your buddies in, but explain as a woman, would that have any credibility with you at all? Or would it be just. You'd think that the guy was covering for you and being a good wingman.

[Hannah Burner]

I might think he was a decoy.

[Liz]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Really?

[Burt]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Liz]

I think he got. I think he's got to break up with her.

[Burt]

No, he doesn't.

[Jeff]

For two years over a tattoo.

[Liz]

Okay, let's say you go out and get. Or Stacy goes out and get weight, gets wasted, and she comes back with that tattoo of a guy she used to sleep with on her arm. Yeah.

[Burt]

I can't divorce her for that. Especially if the circumstances where she was hammered and somebody set her up.

[Liz]

Oh, if she was. Whatever. Nobody set her up.

[Jeff]

You would divorce Jessica if she came.

[Liz]

Absolutely. Without a.

[Burt]

Come on. You would not.

[Liz]

The truth. He's BSing us. If he thinks that we're gonna believe that he sat in there and his friends told him what name to put on the tattoo.

[Burt]

Yeah, that part doesn't make much sense to me because the tattoo guy does ask you what you want, so.

[Jeff]

That's a good point.

[Burt]

Good morning, Vanessa. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Lori]

Good morning.

Five years ago, I was dating a person named Keith, and I had his name tattooed in the back of my neck. Thank God. So I have hair to cover it. But five years have passed, and I already dated three other Keith, and I can't do it anymore.

[Burt]

You keep dating the same name guy.

[Mary Jane]

It's all.

[Lori]

It was all. It was never on purpose. He just.

[Jeff]

It just happened.

[Mary Jane]

I just.

[Lori]

I will show it to a guy, they'll go, oh, my God, that's my name. We're meant to be together.

[Burt]

I know. Your name is Brad. But can I refer to you as Keith?

[Liz]

That's great.

[Lori]

Hey, if everything else fails. So anyway, I went back to Miami just a couple months ago to visit a friend, and his mom is a tattoo artist. The ones that does your lips and eyebrows and whatnot?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Lori]

She said that she will tattoo skin color ink into the name to match my skin color so that it will blend in, because mine is like a banner and it has the name inside. So she was gonna tattoo the skin color that matches my skin color so that it would basically blend in with the skin and leave it so that I could tattoo any other name or character that I want in it. And she told me she was gonna do it for a hundred bucks. I just haven't been back to Miami. But that's a good idea.

[Burt]

And how long. Do you know how long that whole procedure takes? Is that just like getting a regular tattoo?

[Mary Jane]

It's just like.

[Lori]

Just like tattooing the name again, but with skin color, and instead of black or green or whatever the color is. So whatever it took to get it on there.

If the skin color doesn't match perfectly, maybe I'll come back again one day and have it lighten it up. But if I put another name on top of it, then you can't say anything.

[Hannah Burner]

I think if you put another name on top of it, you should stick to yours.

[Lori]

I'm putting your name, the word, your.

[Jeff]

Name here, insert name here, generic. If anything else, we almost learned the lesson here is do not get somebody else's name tattooed on your body.

[Burt]

That's a good idea.

[Jeff]

I mean, I knew a woman who got the person's face tattooed on her, so it's not just the name.

[Burt]

Unless it's your kid. Like, I'm planning on getting Hayden's name tattooed somewhere, but it's a scene.

[Jeff]

Cause he will always be your son. But, I mean, yeah, that's just dumb to put somebody's name on your body.

[Burt]

Hey, Ashley, you're on all the hits.

[Lori]

Q100, the easiest. Granted, he does have to break it to Kelly, and he probably needs to be honest with her, but he can get it covered. And the easiest way to do it in 30 days, depending on how big it is, he can walk into any tattoo studio and let her pick out what to cover it with.

[Burt]

I think the problem with this whole be honest with her thing is that much like Jeff, she's not gonna buy this story. I think that's the problem.

[Liz]

I don't even think he's being honest with us. I don't think.

[Burt]

Let's get him back on, try to get it out of him. Hey, Max, are you being totally honest with us, man? Because everything we know about tattoo places, I mean, you gotta go in there and you gotta tell the guy what you want and you're telling us your friends did it for you and you never had any say in it at all.

[Max]

Well, I'm sure I must have said, oh yeah, sure, whatever, you know, like in a drunken haze, you know, we were talking all night about college and Amanda came up. So they must have had her in their head, you know?

[Liz]

Okay, they must have. So you don't think about her at all anymore?

[Jeff]

Yeah, yeah, that's my question is. Yeah. Is Amanda, does she have any. I mean, do you have any feelings for Amanda left?

[Max]

No.

[Burt]

When's the last time you talked to her?

[Max]

I haven't spoke to her in three years.

[Burt]

Okay, so it was well before you.

[Liz]

Started going out with her, before the tattoo. When's the last time you thought about her?

[Max]

About Amanda? Uh huh. I don't even remember the last time I thought about Amanda.

[Liz]

Right.

[Burt]

Okay, hold on one second. Right, yeah. To a woman, this is gonna be that he was subconsciously thinking about his ex girlfriend, right?

[Hannah Burner]

Oh yeah.

[Jeff]

Am I right? Yeah.

[Burt]

Oh yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Ryan came home with his ex girlfriend Tracy's name on his arm.

[Burt]

Hell no.

[Liz]

Hell, you mean Tracy that skank from Gainesville with the nasty hair?

[Burt]

That's what I want written on your arm right there. Tracy, that skank with the nasty hair?

[Jeff]

That's what he says is.

[Hannah Burner]

You know what?

[Jeff]

I ran out of money and I couldn't get the rest of it on. That's what this is.

[Burt]

We're gonna take a couple more calls here, then we'll move on. Hey Debbie, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Lori]

Hey, can I just tell you, I am laughing my butt off. Come on, just tell the girlfriend. She is going to laugh.

[Liz]

Oh my God. Are you out of your mind? She's not.

[Lori]

That's the funniest thing ever. He was drunk, he was stupid, his friends got a joke over on him. Let her enjoy the laugh too.

[Jeff]

You know what?

[Hannah Burner]

I gotta take back this whole I was drunk excuse. I mean, if you're that drunk not to remember what's going on, no tattoo.

[Jeff]

Artist on the planet is going to.

[Hannah Burner]

Be able to tattoo your arm without.

[Jeff]

You leading to death.

[Hannah Burner]

So give me a break. He wasn't. I mean, he might have been drunk, but you know what? He wasn't drunk enough not to remember. I hate that excuse.

[Burt]

And the girlfriend gets A good laugh at it if he comes back and he's got Bart Simpson on his back.

[Liz]

Right?

[Burt]

Okay, that's funny. You were so drunk. Bart Simpson. We'll get that taken off. But he got the name of an ex girlfriend on his back.

[Liz]

He's screwed.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Liz]

Morning.

[Burt]

All the hits. Q100.

[Glenn]

Hello.

[Burt]

Good morning.

[Glenn]

Hey, dude. Max is done. I don't care what he does to his shoulder. He can have it removed. He can have it covered. I have a tattoo on my left arm that I had covered. It's not a name, but it was a symbol that represented it doesn't matter. I know it's there. I don't care what he tells her. If he takes the whole group with him, it doesn't matter.

[Max]

She will say that they're covering up for him.

[Burt]

The only way I think, to rectify this is to remove the shoulder entirely.

[Liz]

You gotta go surfing in Hawaii until a shark comes around.

[Burt]

Gotta surround yourself in blood, right?

[Liz]

Anybody have any chum? I need to get my arm taken. He should just start calling Kelly Amanda. Like, just say, oh, that'll work. You look like an Amanda to me.

[Burt]

Does she know that your ex girlfriend's name was Amanda?

[Max]

Oh, yeah.

[Burt]

You're so screwed, bro.

[Liz]

Hey, how. How quickly can you get to the Humane Society and get a dog named Amanda?

[Burt]

Yeah, man. I mean, usually we could come up with a couple of different, you know, ways for you to go and solve this, but nobody's calling up with anything except you're screwed.

[Max]

How about that girl who called up and said she thought it was funny? Maybe I go out with her.

[Burt]

Yeah, she may be the only one in Atlanta still willing to go out with you after this. When are you gonna tell her?

[Max]

I don't know. I was listening, and maybe one of you said about bringing one of the friends around to tell her. You know, I thought that might be a good idea.

[Burt]

Well, the only thing we're really interested in is you gotta call us and tell us right before you do it so we can check in with you. A, to make sure you're still alive, and B, just to get people updated on the whole thing. After you tell her.

[Jeff]

Absolutely.

[Max]

I guess I gotta tell her.

[Burt]

Oh, you gotta tell her. Either that or like Jeff said, you break up now and she'll never know.

[Liz]

I think he's good.

[Jeff]

No, you gotta be honest.

[Liz]

I think he's gotta break up with her.

[Jeff]

No, I think he's gotta tell her.

[Burt]

I say, for the interest of radio, you break up with.

[Jeff]

No, that's not fair, because he'll break up with Kelly and blame Kelly for the breakup, and it's his damn fault.

[Liz]

How disrespectful is it? Like they don't have a good relationship.

[Burt]

What if he breaks up with her, then he finds out later on that it wouldn't have been a big deal to her?

[Liz]

Are you kidding me? What do you mean it's not a big deal to her?

[Hannah Burner]

It'll be a huge deal.

[Liz]

No, I think if you want to. If you want to play this. My man. Here you go. Listen up. Here you go. You got to go straight at her and just go, look, I want you to see what's on my shoulder.

[Glenn]

And before you get mad, you want.

[Liz]

To know why it's there. This is a constant reminder of how much I hate Amanda and love you, baby.

[Burt]

Yeah, maybe you just got to add a couple of words to it, like.

[Max]

Amanda sucks or something.

[Glenn]

Amanda broke my heart.

[Liz]

Amanda sucks forever. Like, you have those little.

[Burt]

Like when you.

[Liz]

Like, you know, when your teacher used to proofread your essays or whatever, and they would put that little thing, that little arrow, and write the word above it. If you left the word out, just put ducks in there.

[Burt]

Hey, Max, you gotta give us a call back and let us know right before you're about to tell her. Okay?

[Max]

I'm definitely gonna tell her.

[Burt]

Okay, man.

[Max]

All right, thanks, guys.

[Burt]

See you later.

[Liz]

Traffic with the Burt show on all the hits. Q100.

[Burt]

Oh, but I'd love to be a fly on the wall in that room.

[Glenn]

If he could handle the pain.

[Liz]

How about write something like, amanda can never compare to the love that I have for Kelly. Yeah, a little painful, but, you know.

[Burt]

But he keeps the girlf. Yeah, there you go.

[Liz]

The Birch show, calling up a guy whose son is a 6, 7 year old basketball player. Dad is also a basketball player. And I tell him that they're both really not that good.

[Max]

Lou.

[Liz]

Hi, I'm looking for Mr. Smurfax, please.

[Glenn]

This is him.

[Liz]

Hey, my name is Ben Hurdock, coach of the basketball team. New coach of the basketball team.

[Burt]

Oh, yeah.

[Glenn]

How are you?

[Liz]

I've met your wife once or twice. I don't know if I've had the pleasure yet. How are you?

[Glenn]

I don't think we did, but I'm doing all right.

[Liz]

You know what? I think I was actually fairly certain of this. And after talking to your wife, you work out at, right? Yeah, yeah, I've actually. I work out there as well. I've actually seen you there.

[Glenn]

Oh, great.

[Liz]

Hey, is it a good time? Am I bugging you or is.

[Glenn]

No, no. Is there something coming up, Something you want to talk about or.

[Liz]

Well, I want to give you a heads up on Tommy or Tom. We, you know, I don't know, maybe a progress report or whatever. You've got a really great kid.

[Glenn]

Yeah, we think so too. We like him a lot.

[Liz]

I mean, he's a keeper, you know, he's definitely, I mean, he's gonna be a heartbreaker with the ladies and he's, I mean, he's. He could be one of the best sports on the team and chip off the old block. What's that?

[Glenn]

Chip off the old block?

[Liz]

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. You know, he's not very good at basketball.

[Max]

Uh huh.

[Liz]

So I just, I mean, have you noticed that or.

[Glenn]

I mean, he's young, you know, he's got some stuff to learn, but I think he's trying pretty hard and he's got some talent. He's definitely got some talent.

[Liz]

Right. Is he six, right, or seven?

[Glenn]

He's actually. He's seven.

[Liz]

Seven. Yeah, he. I guess. I mean, would you say that maybe he's holding the team back from like any sort of championship?

[Glenn]

I wouldn't say that, no. I mean, I think that, you know.

[Liz]

Okay, well, he is.

[Glenn]

Well, I would disagree. I mean, they're little kids.

[Liz]

He is, he is. I'm a coach and you're not, so.

[Glenn]

I mean, they also play bad. But you know, I know a little bit about the game and especially at that age. I think that, you know, holding them back, it's just a learning process really.

[Liz]

I'm not talking about holding him back or anything. I don't think he needs to pursue basketball any further. I think he's going to be a detriment to any team he's on.

[Glenn]

Well, that's a little, that's a little blunt, don't you think?

[Liz]

Well, I mean, what do you want me to do, beat around the bush?

[Glenn]

I don't want you to beat around the bush, but I don't think it's, you know, These kids are 6 and 7 years old. I don't think that.

Deciding whether or not the kid's got enough talent to play the game is going to be determined at this age.

[Liz]

He's 7 years old.

[Glenn]

Michael Jordan didn't make the basketball team in high school when he was a freshman.

[Liz]

Yeah, we've all heard that story.

[Glenn]

Yeah, that's fine. But you know, I wouldn't. I'm not going to tell the kid to stop playing. He likes playing.

[Liz]

Yeah, I'm going to have that Talk with him. So I don't think you have to worry about it.

[Glenn]

No, you're not going to have that talk with him. What's your name again?

[Liz]

Ben. Listen, we don't want him on our team.

[Glenn]

According to who?

[Liz]

Well, it's me and some of the other parents.

[Glenn]

There's no way that the other parents said anything like that. I know all the other parents.

[Liz]

Yeah, I mean, it's just. It's not a good thing for anybody involved.

[Glenn]

How long have you been coaching this team?

[Liz]

This is my ninth day.

[Glenn]

That's great. My son's been on the team longer than you have, so I think that if he wants to stay, he's going to stay before you.

[Liz]

I've been. I've been brought in to whip this team into shape. I mean, we're going to try to get us.

[Glenn]

They're six and seven years old. What is there to whip in the shop shape? It's fun. They're learning how to play the game.

[Liz]

We're gonna try to get them to a championship this year.

[Glenn]

What are you talking about?

[Liz]

Justin might get an endorsement, you know, so we're trying to make that happen.

[Glenn]

What is this? Is this Division 1 basketball?

[Liz]

We had some of the parents came by throw knock the other night and.

[Glenn]

Well, you tell me who they are, I'll talk to them personally. If you want to sit down with you and all them, we'll have this conversation. You're not kicking my kid off the basketball team at 6 and 7 years old. Sorry.

[Liz]

The clincher was. I mean, you're not very good at basketball.

[Glenn]

Oh, really?

[Liz]

Right. We were there the other night.

[Glenn]

Oh, you saw me play?

[Liz]

Yeah. You're not good.

[Glenn]

Who the are you?

[Liz]

So, A, who the are you?

[Glenn]

B, I'll play you anytime you want to go.

[Liz]

Do you want to do like a little one on one? And if I win? Your kid's off the team.

[Glenn]

I'll kick your.

[Liz]

I mean, maybe he could work in concessions or something.

[Glenn]

I was all county in high school. What are you talking about? You saw me play and I sucked. What are you talking about?

[Liz]

You're not. I mean, you weren't very good.

[Glenn]

I'm not very good?

[Max]

What?

[Jeff]

You're.

[Glenn]

Dude, you got a big mouth, man.

[Liz]

You're slow.

[Glenn]

I actually can't wait to meet you now.

[Liz]

You're slow. You're slow to the hoop. You have no hustle on the rebound.

[Glenn]

I'm slow.

[Liz]

We saw you in the locker room and you've got a small penis.

[Max]

All right.

[Glenn]

Yeah, very funny. I don't know why you're talking a.

[Max]

Bunch of like this.

[Liz]

You're faster than me.

[Glenn]

If you're listening to six and seven year old basketball. I don't know what to say about your life. Second of all, anytime you want to play, I'll play you one on one. I don't who you are, where you played, wherever I'll bust your. And that's it.

[Liz]

I think you got a big mouth. I would actually say I think your son could probably beat you.

[Glenn]

That's funny.

[Liz]

Yeah.

[Glenn]

And anytime we'll sit down with you. We'll sit down with the coaches, we'll sit down with the people.

[Liz]

I'm the coach. I run the whole thing.

[Glenn]

No, you don't run. You're not kicking my son off the basketball team.

[Liz]

All right, listen, this is Jeff with the birch over at all the hits Q100. Your wife has just found scammer.

[Glenn]

Who put you up to this?

[Liz]

Your wife.

She gave us all the information. Including the small penis line.

[Glenn]

Yeah, obviously you haven't been in the locker room.

[Liz]

We will. We will scam you.

[Burt]

The Burt Show.

[Hannah Burner]

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[Mary Jane]

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[Hannah Burner]

This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Jeff]

Hannah Burner.

[Mary Jane]

Are those the cozy Tommy John pajamas you're buying?

[Paige Desorbo]

Paige desorbo. They are Tommy John. And yes, I'm stocking up because they make the best holiday gifts so generous. Well, I'm a generous girly, especially when it comes to me. So I'm grabbing the softest sleepwear, comfiest underwear and best fitting loungewear.

[Mary Jane]

So nothing for your bestie?

[Paige Desorbo]

Of course. I'm getting my dad, Tommy John. Oh, and you, of course.

[Mary Jane]

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[Paige Desorbo]

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[Liz]

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