The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, February 3 [Vault]

Date: February 3, 2026
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Featured Cast: Bert, Matt, Melissa, Jamie, Patty, Mitch, Christy, others

Overview

This lively episode of The Bert Show delivers its trademark blend of humor, candid conversations, and listener stories. From the hilarity of St. Patrick’s Day shenanigans and spontaneous duck hunts, to intensely personal tales of survival and morality, the cast balances lighthearted banter with real, empathic discussions about life’s toughest decisions. They delve into missed romantic chances, the ethics of survival sex work, and the universal frustrations of urban traffic—inviting listeners to chime in and share both laughs and lessons.

Main Segments & Key Discussion Points

1. St. Patrick’s Day Duck Hunt, Missed Connections, and the Search for "Ally"

• (00:00–08:26)

  • Matt’s St. Patty’s Day Adventure

    • Matt recounts getting “his drink on” at Park Tavern’s annual St. Patrick’s Day celebration, featuring a quirky contest: a hunt for rubber leprechaun ducks with $1,000 in prizes.
      “It’s like mixing St. Patrick’s Day with Easter, but instead of hiding eggs, they're hiding ducks...” – Bert (00:55)

  • Romantic Missed Connection

    • Matt, who dominated the duck contest, recalls meeting Ally—a striking woman with “really amazing eyes, most innocent I’ve ever seen... looked a lot like Renee Zellweger” (01:12).
    • Despite feeling a strong chemistry, all he left with were details: her name, brown eyes, blonde hair, a brother in Vegas, love for Survivor, and she’s a student (likely Parkview), 21–25, about 5’4”.
    • The show rallies listeners (especially the Wednesday Night Drinking Club community) for help tracking her down.
    • Notable Listener Call:
      • Mitch, a listener, reports having a picture of Ally with her friends at the event, promising to send it in, amping up hopes for a reunion.

  • Memorable Quotes:

    • “Do you love her?” – Bert (04:09) “I’m in LIKE with her, Jeff.” – Matt (04:12)
    • “Talking duck strategy right now.” – Bert (08:15)

2. Survival, Desperation, and the Ethics of Sex Work

• (08:27–21:38)

  • Listener Patty’s Story

    • Patty calls in, voice disguised, courageously sharing her experience of homelessness and turning to prostitution out of necessity after moving to Atlanta alone.
    • She paints a vivid, painful picture: arriving with $400, no ID, bouncing between motels, being recruited by a "pimp," and emotionally struggling for months (10:07–15:32).
    • She describes the psychological toll: “I would just break down all the time... Just scrubbing yourself. It’s a sick feeling... you just have to keep your mind going and get off of what you’re doing.” (12:02, 14:29, 15:05)
    • Patty is now a secretary, married, but her husband does not know this part of her past. She’s never told anyone before.

  • Diverging Perspectives

    • Angela, another caller, challenges Patty’s account: “I don’t believe in this necessity thing... I got three jobs and put myself through high school. I never went to prostitute.” (15:55)
    • Patty responds, underscoring how individual differences and a lack of safety net shape choices:
      “I guess we’re all made differently... I wasn’t thinking. I mean, I was looking for money. And if you go to work at Publix, you’re going to have to wait for money.” (17:37–18:06)
    • Jamie and Matt note the importance of empathy and context:
      “In those desperate times, you’re not really thinking all that clearly either.” – Jamie (18:02)
    • Patty says, given another chance:
      “I guess I would just go back home and just be defeated... I wouldn't have lost that part of me.” (18:45–19:01)

  • Support and Reflection

    • Callers Sam and Christy voice support for Patty’s courage; the hosts encourage therapy and reflection.
    • Matt closes:
      “You don’t realize that kind of desperation... Sometimes people just don’t have a safety net. It’s scary, man.” (20:41)

  • Notable Quotes:

    • “I mean, I just... I can relate to the girl. I mean, I don’t think that she should be looked down on. I mean, she was homeless. I mean, we were homeless. We didn’t have—what else are we going to use?” – Patty (12:33)
    • “You don’t wake up and, oh, I want to be a prostitute today.” – Patty (15:32)
    • “It’s just like that primal instinct... you gotta live.” – Patty (18:06)

3. Road Rage, Commuter Frustrations, and Urban Traffic Culture

• (21:45–32:13)

  • The Cast's Traffic Gripes

    • Melissa’s notorious road rage is on display:
      “I can’t stand not moving. For some reason, I feel that everybody in front of me is purposely doing it to keep me from where I need to be.” – Melissa (21:54)
    • The group swaps stories and rules: one-car merge policies, the ethics of letting others in, and the satisfaction of seeing rude drivers pulled over.
    • Bert reminisces about “Spy Hunter” and jokes about Melissa needing a tricked-out car (23:14).

  • Caller Christy’s Revenge Fantasies

    • Christy admits she wants to call 911 on tailgaters and people who cut her off but wonders about the legality.
    • The cast clarifies: it’s illegal to make a false drunk driver report, but reporting reckless driving is legitimate (25:54–28:10).

  • Listener Experiences and Cop Advice

    • A caller married to a police officer fantasizes about installing scrolling LED “message boards” in her car to communicate with annoying drivers (29:03).
    • Another shares satisfaction at reporting reckless drivers and seeing them pulled over (29:31).
    • General consensus: urban driving is survival of the fittest.

  • Notable Quotes:

    • “It’s survival of the fittest out there, people.” – Matt (23:12)
    • “If you’re in the left hand lane, go fast, right?” – Christy (27:38)
    • “Traffic makes me hate people.” – Sam (28:32)

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Start | Notable Moments | |---------------------------------------------|----------|--------------------------------------------------------| | St. Patty’s, Duck Hunt & Missed Connection | 00:00 | Matt’s story and call to find Ally (00:00–08:26) | | Survival and Sex Work Discussion | 08:27 | Patty’s call (08:27–21:38) | | Urban Road Rage & Traffic Culture | 21:45 | Merging, “Spy Hunter” jokes, and caller stories |

Notable Quotes & Highlights (with Timestamps)

• On the Duck Hunt and Missed Connection:

  • “It’s like mixing St. Patrick’s Day with Easter, but instead of hiding eggs, they’re hiding ducks...” – Bert (00:55)
  • “I’m in LIKE with her, Jeff.” – Matt (04:12)

• On Survival and Desperation:

  • “You don’t wake up and, oh, I want to be a prostitute today.” – Patty (15:32)
  • “You gotta live. You gotta find a way to live.” – Patty (18:06)
  • “You just don’t think sometimes in those terms that some people just don’t have that… Like, if it all goes to crap tomorrow, there’s no way out.” – Matt (20:41)

• On Traffic and Road Rage:

  • “It’s survival of the fittest out there, people.” – Matt (23:12)
  • “If you’re in the left hand lane, go fast, right?” – Christy (27:38)
  • “Traffic makes me hate people.” – Sam (28:32)

Tone and Style

The Bert Show maintains a conversational, comedic, yet sincere tone throughout, balancing laughter and playfulness (especially around contests and commuter woes) with deep empathy and openness when discussing listeners’ life struggles. The hosts never shy away from challenging topics, offering a judgment-free space for stories of vulnerability and survival.

For New Listeners

This episode captures The Bert Show’s full spirit: funny, authentic, and fearless in taking on both the trivial and the truly serious. Whether you’re here for morning laughs, human drama, or urban commiseration, this episode draws you in—reminding you there’s room for both catharsis and comedy in everyday life.