Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, January 6 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, January 6 [Vault]

Date: January 6, 2026
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Phil Tyranno, and others

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show blends classic morning radio humor with experiments that test movie clichés in real life, a deep-dive into quirky statistics about women’s car habits, and a segment on the most elaborate lies used as pick-up lines. With an ensemble cast and lively listener interactions, the show is both entertaining and engaging.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Testing Movie Clichés in Real Life

(01:49–13:00)

• The hosts recall previous on-air experiments where they tested common movie tropes:
  • Public Proposal: Producer Tracy and Phil tested whether a public proposal would elicit applause (it did).
  • Spontaneous Singing: Burt and Phil tried singing “Lean on Me” in a Walmart to see if people would join in (some McDonald's workers did, but Walmart managers were unamused).

“All the workers at McDonald's were on the counter singing with us.” – Phil Tyranno (02:58)

• New Cliché Test: “Wise Bartender”
  • Inspired by movie scenes where a bartender doles out life wisdom to a troubled patron, Phil visits three different bars with a fabricated sob story, seeking sage advice.

Bartender Reactions (Timestamps below)

• Dixie Tavern (Sports Bar): The bartender gives generic advice filled with clichés, ending with the advice to drink a few beers but not to wait too long to move on.

  “Take some time to relax… Don't let it take too long to get back into whatever it is you gotta get into. Cause money doesn't last forever.” – Bartender (06:15)

• Mexican Restaurant: When presented with Phil’s tale of woe, the bartender simply suggests “Margarita… Tequila?” as advice.

  “Margarita. Tequila. Is that your advice? Drink Tequila? Yeah.” – Phil & Bartender (08:01)

• Meehan’s Irish Pub: An actual Irishman sits with Phil for 20 minutes, offering genuine, heartfelt advice about getting out, staying active, and surrounding oneself with good people. The advice eventually devolves back into encouraging him to "get hammered" and offering to be a friend.

  “I try to stay out of my head as much as I can… Surround yourself with as many good people as you can. And like, get out, get on the range… Just have a good old-fashioned chin wag.” – Damien, Irishman (10:20)
  “On top of that, just get hammered as often as possible.” – Damien (11:30)

• Key Takeaway: All bartenders’ ultimate solution was “have a drink,” confirming the cliché—at least when you ask bartenders.

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2. Odd Car Statistics: "9 Out of 100 Women Have a Toy in Their Car"

(16:19–26:48)

• The team discusses a curious stat from Bert's binder: 9 out of 100 women keep a "toy" (implied to be a sex toy) in their car.
• Initial banter about how busy and underslept everyone is, with jokes about car-based stress relief.

"I'm underslept, but I don't have a pillow in my car." – Co-Host (18:35)

Listener Calls (Timestamps below):

• Stephanie: Calls in to confirm—she keeps one in her purse and uses it 2-3 times a week, usually after work, and is vigilant about cleaning.

  “Yes, I am… It’s generally in my purse, but my purse is wherever I go.” – Stephanie, caller (20:45 – 20:53)

• Officer Eric: Shares a police story about pulling over a woman who concealed a purple "toy" when pulled over.

  “She reaches down underneath her seat, pulls out one that's about a foot long and purple.” – Officer Eric, caller (22:25)

• Shay: Talks about keeping a “pocket rocket” for non-insertive, topical use—helpful on long, stressful workdays.

  “You find, you know the employee bathroom in the back, and you handle your business when you're stressed.” – Shay, caller (23:39)

• Pure Romance Consultant: Details selling micro-vibro keychains, popular precisely for their portability and car use.

  “We sell a micro vibro keychain... Every party I sell at least 10 to 15 of those.” – Pure Romance Consultant, caller (24:48)

• Jane: Has used a toy in her car on more than one occasion, but stopped after having kids.

  “On more than one occasion, I have used a toy in my car.” – Jane, caller (25:17)

• Conversation turns to double standards—it's seen as pervy if a man does the same in public, but less so for women.

  “I was just wondering… If a man were to do this in traffic or… at work, he'd be considered quite the perv.” – Dana, caller (25:55)

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3. Elaborate Pickup Lies: Lies Men Tell to Women

(30:13–39:21)

• The team discusses a story from listener Pinky, who fell for a man after he told her an elaborate kangaroo story—which the hosts point out is the plot to "Kangaroo Jack."

  “That’s the plot of a movie… Kangaroo Jack.” – Host and Co-hosts (31:35)

• Listeners and hosts trade stories about over-the-top lies men use as pickup lines:

  • Three Doors Down Drummer: A guy tells women he's the drummer for the band. The show calls Universal Records and exposes the imposter.
  • Single Dad Ruse: A man claims to be a single parent to get closer to a single mom, but his “son” turns out to be his nephew.
  • Fake Athlete: A man claims to play wide receiver for Oklahoma University at a bar, but the caller quickly exposes him due to her sports knowledge.
  • FBI Agent: A man claims he’s an FBI agent, then later steals the woman’s credit cards; she realizes years later the guy was copying a movie plot.
  • Lead Singer for Creed: Another imposter claims to be the famous singer, but is outed by mutual friends.
  • Adam Sandler Script: A man borrows the “lost kid” pickup ploy from the movie “Big Daddy” to engage a woman, and she eventually recognizes the script.

"I think we're learning here that guys get their best lines from movies." – Host (39:18)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Bartender Wisdom:
  • “I try to stay out of my head as much as I can… Surround yourself with as many good people as you can... And on top of that, just get hammered as often as possible.” – Damien, Irishman (10:20–11:30)
• On the Car Toy Statistic:
  • “Yes, I am… It’s generally in my purse, but my purse is wherever I go.” – Stephanie, caller (20:45 – 20:53)
  • “You can say that. Exactly. That's funny.” – Officer Eric, after discovering the purple toy during a traffic stop (23:03)
• On Pickup Line Movie Plots:
  • “That’s the plot of a movie… Kangaroo Jack.” – Hosts when hearing Pinky's story (31:35)
  • “He used to work with me at $3 Cafe off the property by the police, because he was impersonating, like, different band members.” – Stephanie, caller (38:16)
  • “I think we're learning here that guys get their best lines from movies.” – Host (39:18)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Time | |-------------------------------------------|-----------| | Movie clichés: Public proposals & singing | 01:49–04:32| | Bartender wisdom experiment | 04:32–13:00| | Bert’s topic binder & sex toy statistic | 16:19–18:25| | Listener calls: Women w/ toys in cars | 20:45–25:51| | Pickup lies & movie plots | 30:13–39:21|

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Tone & Style

• The show’s trademark mix of irreverence, self-awareness, and playful curiosity is present throughout.
• Hosts riff off each other and engage freely with both cast members and callers—sometimes venturing into risqué territory with good-natured candor.

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Summary for New Listeners

In this episode, The Bert Show crew set out to prove whether classic movie clichés hold up in reality—testing everything from the wisdom of bartenders to the likelihood of strangers joining a public singalong. A wacky statistic about women’s car accessories sparks lively, revealing phone calls from listeners. Finally, the cast and audience recount the best (and most laughably bad) lies men have used to impress women, often borrowing plots straight from Hollywood. The result is a fun, relatable, and raucous hour of morning radio—perfect for escaping your commute or daily grind.

Transcript

[Christy]

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[Burt]

I.

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[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

The Birch show hey, from time to time on the show, I think we're all pretty big moviegoers here. I think we all dig movies and we have noticed that there are certain movie cliches that you see time and time again. That's why they're cliches in movies and we try to test those cliches to see if they work in real life also. We've done this a couple of different times now.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Yeah, there was one time where producer Tracy and Phil went into a restaurant. And Phil proposed to producer Tracy to see if the entire restaurant would applause and celebrate their new engagement.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Because every time you watch a movie where there's a public proposal, everybody's standing around. And when they did that, we got.

[Phil Tyranno]

A round of applause.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

They did get a round of applause.

[Phil Tyranno]

And the coffee shop we went to even offered to cater our reception.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Then we sent Jen out one morning to test one of these movie cliches also.

[Burt]

Yeah, Phil and I went to, what was it? Walmart or.

[Phil Tyranno]

No, we went to Walmart.

[Burt]

We went to a Walmart. And we tested the cliche that if you publicly start singing a well known song, that everyone will join in the celebration and start singing with you. And sure enough, we started singing. What did we sing?

[Phil Tyranno]

Lean on Me.

[Burt]

Lean on Me. And the workers and the WALMART and the McDonald's that was inside the Walmart started singing with us.

[Phil Tyranno]

Well, actually, to be correct, all the managers of Walmart stood there and looked at us, arms crossed. All the workers at McDonald's were on the counter singing with us.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

So we tested two of those cliches, and they both worked out right perfectly well over the weekend, I happened just to be channel surfing when I was in San Diego. And, you know, they just have a couple of different channels for you to check out. And one of the movies on was Cocktail.

[Commercial Announcer]

Right.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Okay. And this specific scene stuck out in my mind.

[Caller or Guest]

Just get canned.

[Phil Tyranno]

I'm looking, looking for something better.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Coughlan's Law. Anything else is always something better.

[Caller or Guest]

Coughlan's Law.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Douglas Coghlan flourished in the last part of the 20th century, propounded a set of laws that the world generally ignored to its detriment.

[Caller or Guest]

Me.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

So the cliche here is that when you're down on your luck and you're confused about a situation at your lowest point, if you go into a bar and you order a drink, the wise bartender behind the bar will always have some nugget of wisdom that will pull you out of your depression and make everything just fine.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Because all bartenders are philosophers from the movies.

[Phil Tyranno]

Right.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

And you see this every time, from time to time in movies. You know, like the wise bartender. So we sent Phil Tyranno out yesterday to go to a couple of different bars with some problems to see if he would get some wisdom from bartenders.

[Phil Tyranno]

And. And you'll. As you'll hear it, it worked and it failed at the same time. Here was the situation. So I went into a bar, and here was the story I came up with. Went in, I had my sunglasses on the Whole time, head down. Bartender. Hey, can I get you something? Yeah. I'd order a beer and I'd say something to the effect of, man, they're not lying when they say it comes in threes. Piqued their curiosity. And then I'd say, well, it started Sunday night. Found out that my parents of 50 years just got split up. Oh, that's too bad. Last night my biatch of a wife walked out on me and took the kids. Oh, man, I hate to hear that. And finally at work today, I just got canned. So my parents got split up, my wife left me. Now I don't have a job. And by then they're all just kind of looking at me wide eyed, going, wow, wow, this guy's got some problems. And so from there I would simply ask them. So you being a bartender, you've been doing this for many years. I'm sure you've had people come to you needing advice. Your advice from someone who's seen this to someone who could use some words of wisdom. Can you help me out? Can you help a brother out?

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Now, can you mention which bars you went to?

[Phil Tyranno]

Yeah, sure, sure. Especially the last one.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Okay, the first one here is. This one is labeled Advice Redneck.

[Phil Tyranno]

Yeah, this was more of a sports bar. And this is more. I still don't want to know the name of this one, but it's over on Windy Hill. And if anybody's been there, they'll know it because it's very southern, you know.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Why can't you say the name of it?

[Phil Tyranno]

Well, it was Dixie Tavern. I love that place.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Okay.

[Phil Tyranno]

It was great. And the guy behind the counter is really. Yeah, it's fun. It's so much fun. But I didn't want it to be labeled as redneck. But this was the funnest. This was the.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

It's called Dixie Tavern.

[Phil Tyranno]

It's Dixie Tavern, all right.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

This is the bartender giving you.

[Phil Tyranno]

So walk in there, have, you know, have my advice. I have my problem laid out to him. And the advice that this wise bartender who's seen it all, this is his advice.

[Irish Bartender (Damien)]

Take some time to relax. Like I said, just collect your own self. Yeah, just collect your mind and just get you set right. Have a few beers and don't think too hard about it. But don't let it take too long to get back into whatever it is you gotta get into. Cause money doesn't last forever.

[Phil Tyranno]

And with that, he walked away.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

He's just throwing out cliches. Yeah, if you can't stand the heat, get outta the Kitchen.

[Burt]

You're right.

[Phil Tyranno]

That lasts forever.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

You know, bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

[Phil Tyranno]

And he checked back with me about 10 minutes later into my second beer. And I tried to talk to him a little bit more, but he didn't really have much to say after that. So he spit out some wisdom and went back to serving people who are a little more happy.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Well, and what part of his wisdom was to drink, drink? So, I mean, in bartender. I mean, you know, he's trying to have some beers.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

I don't think I could make out the first part of it.

[Irish Bartender (Damien)]

Take some time to relax. Like you said, just collect your old self. Just collect your mind and just collect your old self. Have a few beers and don't think too hard about it, but don't let it take too long. Arm to get back into whatever it is you gotta get into. Money doesn't last forever.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

He's like the 50, 50 advice guy. Take your time, but don't take too much time. Have a beer, but don't drink too much. We just want to sit around and collect your thoughts, but you need to get out there and get on with your life. So he figures he can't miss. He'll throw everything out.

[Phil Tyranno]

All right, second place problem was not quite solved there. Still needed some more insight. So I thought maybe I should go international. So I hit Roswell Road and went to a Mexican restaurant. Went up to the bar again, same scenario to the bartender asking for some advice. And this is what he gave me. What would I. What. What should I do now? Yes. You don't know. I'm sorry.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Margarita.

[Caller or Guest]

Margarita.

[Phil Tyranno]

Margarita. Tequila. Tequila. Is that your advice? Drink Tequila? Yeah.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

And not exactly a pearl of wisdom, right?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Why do all the Mexican bars have to have Telemundo on so loud? It's always so loud. Like, you go into, you know, like a regular sports bar, and they're like, the TVs are all on, but they're turned down. You go into a Mexican restaurant or bar and it's always so loud.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

And half the problem with that also when you're watching the game is they never write out what cities are playing each other. It's always three initials. And I'm trying to figure it out for an hour. Bln.

[Christy]

I got nothing.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

I don't know.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

And you think you know, and it's like BLO versus Pne. And you're like, oh, yeah, that's the Belize National Organization playing the Peru League. N. And then you find out it.

[Phil Tyranno]

Was like Spain playing France, so left the Mexican restaurant. Still a little bit confused. Then I thought the old cliche, if you need good advice, go to an Irish pub, find an Irishman, and I will tell you the name of this bar. This was Meehans and Vinings. Went down there, walked in, talked to the bartender for a second, realized he wasn't an Irishman, and said, you know what? I'm in an Irish bar. Do you have an Irishman Thinking he would say, no, as a matter of fact, I do. And he's at work today. Irishman comes walking up to the bar. He's. Now, granted, he's working. He's on the clock right now. Sits down next to me, proceeds to talk to me and become my best friend for over 25 minutes.

[Burt]

Nice.

[Phil Tyranno]

This guy was so cool. He was buying me beers. I tell you, when I came back to the meeting yesterday, because we had a meeting here after, you know, later on the afternoon, I was half buzzed because they just kept buying me drinks and saying, you know, what can we do? And you'll hear it in here. Now, granted, this is a 20 minute conversation condensed into a minute and a half.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

So he heard all your problems and sat down with you, and this is what we got.

[Phil Tyranno]

He didn't even hear them from me. He heard him from the bartender. And the bartender said, hey, man, you know, he's looking for an Irishman's advice. Can you go talk to him and help him out a little bit? And sure enough, he came over, pulled up a stool next to me and sat down. And he's an Irishman. So you'll hear some beeps because they have coarse language.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Why did you go all the way to the bar? Why didn't you just listen to a U2 album?

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

And that Bono's name, Bono will speak to you, to your soul. All right, here you go.

[Phil Tyranno]

Where's Helm?

[Irish Bartender (Damien)]

For you, Belfast.

[Phil Tyranno]

Ah, beautiful.

[Irish Bartender (Damien)]

You know, as far as myself, what I've always done is try to. I mean, I try to stay out of my head as much as I can because, you know, I just go through analysis. But paralysis, you know, I'll start going crazy up there. Just surround yourself as many good people as you can, but just, you know, stay close to good people and try and do as many things as you can. Like if people, if you got people, you know, like to golf, if you like to golf and get out, get out on the range, get out on a golf course, man. I like to golf and hang out. So concentrate on yourself, man. I'll tell you, I've been doing more and More over the last two years than I've ever done in my entire life. I run every day, man. I didn't run a day. Go run, man, to see endorphins. You feel fantastic. I'll tell you what, if you need any, give myself relief. Need anybody to call on or to hang out with, you know, have a few beers. I mean, I got Thursdays off, Saturdays off, I got Mondays off. You know, you'll be more than welcome to hang out and crush a few beers down, have a good old fashioned chin wag. What is that? A chin wag is just what we're doing. Just have a chin wag. You're wagging your chin, having a bit.

[Phil Tyranno]

Of a chit chat, nice powwow.

[Irish Bartender (Damien)]

The good thing is, man, you're coming into spring, you're coming into summer and your spirits are going to be lifted anyway just by the weather. You're going to start feeling better. Oh yeah, that's the thing. On top of that, just get hammered as often as possible.

[Phil Tyranno]

That guy was great.

[Caller or Guest]

There you go, bro.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

That guy was great. Meehans.

[Phil Tyranno]

Yeah, Mee hands and vinings.

[Caller or Guest]

That guy was great. I love him.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

And I'm off on Thursdays. I'll sit down and talk to you.

[Phil Tyranno]

Cell phone number he offered me trying.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

To pick you up after he found out that he left you and he trying to hit on you.

[Phil Tyranno]

I don't. Yeah, I don't know if he. I don't know if he was just really felt bad or if my story was that convincing. I mean, again, this was a 20 minute conversation and this guy was really cool. And then when he found out that my brother has an Irish girlfriend, he was more excited, wanted to hang out. He was like, call, call your brother, get your friends together. You need to stay busy. You need to come out. And he said, call your brother, you need to get together, come hang out with us, we'll pound a few. I mean, he went on and so cool.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

That's correct.

[Phil Tyranno]

And then at one point he was like, well, come on, let's. Let's go pound a few. Let's go have some more. And then I was like, I gotta go, I gotta go. Well, if you need a number, I'll give you my number.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

What's his name?

[Phil Tyranno]

Oh, I can't. Damien, I think was his name Damien. And then the hands inviting. So I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go. Yeah. And. But the best part about this was that I noticed after doing this assignment, all three bartenders gave me the exact same advice. And that's the last clip I gave you. Margarita Margarita, Tequila? Is that your advice? Drink Tequila?

[Christy]

Yeah.

[Irish Bartender (Damien)]

On top of that, just get hammered as off as possible. Have a few beers. I don't think too hard about it. Drink, drink.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

They are bartenders and they want a big tip.

[Phil Tyranno]

The Birch show.

[Christy]

Hi, this is Christy from Back to the Bar. You've probably heard about GLP1 weight loss medications and the side effects that can come with jumping in too fast. That's why I love Noom. Makes getting started easy. Their microdose GLP1 program begins with a smaller dose and gradually scales up based on how your body reacts. The Noom GLP1 microdose program starts at $99 and is delivered to your door in seven days. Start your microdose GLP1 journey today at Noom.com that's N-O O M.com Noom micro changes big results average weight loss 8 pounds in first month meds and personalization based on clinical need and not available to all individuals. Medications are not reviewed by FDA for safety, efficacy or quality. Pricing based on first month only.

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[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

When Bert leaves and when he goes on vacation and we're sitting here remaining to do the show, you have to. We do a meeting after every show. And Burt has a three ring binder that he carries around with him. Like, you know, who is it? Linus with his blanket?

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Right?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

You know, I mean, this thing goes everywhere. And if something comes up that could potentially be addressed on the show, it goes in this binder. And it could be, you know, like if Jen will say, oh, I had a phone conversation with my friend and she's got blah blah, blah going on in her life. And I would love to get advice from our listeners. That's a topic. If Melissa says, oh, you're not gonna believe it. I went to the store yesterday and got in an argument with the clerk about blah blah BL that could go in there. And so it's to the point, after doing this show for over four years, four years and a month now, that there are just, I mean, pages of just these topics. And 90% of me can't even remember, right? You read the line and it says, you know, Jen hobby lost bracelet. And you're like, what? But at the time, that was gonna be like some super interesting whatever story, right? Well, when he goes on vacation, he takes that book home and he leaves it at home. And then we sit in our meeting after the show and say, okay, what do you want to talk about tomorrow? And we've got nothing to reference. Like, we've got nothing to go back on, right? So I asked him before he left for this San Diego trip if he would send me, you know, leave me the binder or send me the list. So he sent me the file. He keeps it also backed up in his computer. He sent me the file. So I Read down the file and I saw all these different topics and these different things, and a lot of them rang a bell. And we've actually talked about one or two of them over the past couple days, and it's been very helpful. Then there were a few that I didn't understand at all.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Right.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

And then there were a couple that made me raise an eyebrow. And I'd like to bring one of those up now.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Bert had a line in his book that simply said statistic and it had a hyphen and it said, nine out of 100 women have a toy in their car with them. Nine out of 100 women have a toy in the car with them.

[Phil Tyranno]

Was this wishful thinking or is this.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

No, I believe it.

[Phil Tyranno]

He did.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

That's 10%. That's one out of 10. Almost.

[Burt]

We just finished talking about traffic, commutes and how everybody's got really busy days. Everybody's underslept and under sex.

[Christy]

Right.

[Burt]

So.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

And there's no time to relax.

[Phil Tyranno]

Right.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

I'm underslept, but I don't have a pillow in my car.

[Burt]

I think this is a good idea.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Yeah, Yeah. I think in today's society, in Atlanta, society today, I think it is healthy for those nine women out of the hundred.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Well, the challenge is going to be getting someone to admit it.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Oh, we got the voice disguiser.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

If you have a voice disguiser and you can use a fake name or if you want to be brave and just call, you have one. Phil.

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

Come on, ladies.

[Phil Tyranno]

I've seen it. No, I promise. A truth. True story. I was on when I was younger, I was in a choir at church, and we took a choir tour every summer.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Oh, this is.

[Phil Tyranno]

Went to different places across the country. We went to the Grand Canyon, went to Mount Rushmore, went to Niagara Falls, and we'd always travel through big cities. Now, I was probably 4, 15, 16 years old at the time, and I want to say the city was Houston. And we're traveling through the city, stuck in rush hour traffic, and you've got a bus full of church kids ranging from ages 15 to about. Actually about 14 to about.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Hold on a minute. Look at this.

[Burt]

The phone lines are ringing like crazy.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

All ten lights on our phones.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

You go, ladies.

[Phil Tyranno]

Ranges of ages from about 14 to 18. And we're stuck in traffic and. And all of a sudden I start hearing people giggle and giggle and start laughing. And it slowly is. We're inching along through traffic. I look down through the window and we're in a big tour bus. So we're Looking down on people. And there's a girl and she has her sunroof open and she has her underwear down at her ankles and she's just going to town.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

So she's doing it herself.

[Phil Tyranno]

She's doing it herself. Ok. And just going.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Who else do you think would be doing it?

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

No, I'm just. No, I'm. There was no, there was no mechanical devices involved.

[Phil Tyranno]

And as a 15, she might have. I don't know, she had a skirt that was about to her knees, but it was, it was blocking whatever was going on. And as a 15, 16 year old, I don't know how old I was. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Yeah, it was awesome. To me, that's the biggest cure for road rage. I mean, seriously.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Hey, Stephanie.

[Caller or Guest]

Yes.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

How are you?

[Caller or Guest]

Good, and you?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

I'm well, thank you. How's your commute?

[Caller or Guest]

Well, today it's rather uneventful, but. All right.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

So are you one of these nine out of the hundred women?

[Caller or Guest]

Yes, I am.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

That's good.

[Burt]

Do you have one or more than one in the car?

[Caller or Guest]

Just one.

[Burt]

And it's in the car all the time.

[Caller or Guest]

It's generally in like my purse, but my purse is wherever I go.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

So you carry it in your purse with you?

[Christy]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

So how often, like how out of a five day work week on average, how many days would you use your item?

[Caller or Guest]

Probably two or three.

[Burt]

And is this on the way, way. I want to know, is it on the way to work or on the way home from work?

[Caller or Guest]

Usually from work.

[Christy]

You go, girl.

[Burt]

On the way home from work. Okay.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

And where do you work and where do you live?

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Stop, Jeff.

[Burt]

I want to know. Also, does this thing get taken out of the person, like cleaned and put back?

[Caller or Guest]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

[Burt]

Because that was the thing I thought of when Jeff said that the statistic was they kept them in their car. Like you gotta take it out, clean it and put it back.

[Caller or Guest]

I don't think that that's. I mean, I wouldn't think that's the case. I mean, if you, if you look through like, you know, pure romance and whatnot. No, people have the, you know, the ability to clean and take. I don't think they're leaving them in there because if they do, that's just nasty.

[Burt]

Well, yeah, yeah. I guess if it was on the outside of your clothes, it could stay in the car all the time. But if it's going underneath the right.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Outerwear, well, I think that's common sense. I think women are responsible with their toys, right?

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, I would assume so.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Are you a married woman or a single woman?

[Burt]

I'd have some baby wipes kept in there with it or something.

[Caller or Guest]

Thank goodness.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Oh, she's gone. She didn't answer.

[Burt]

She's like, enough with you.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Yeah, I've told you enough. And I'm. Goodbye. Hey, Eric.

[Caller or Guest]

Hey, how you doing?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Or Officer Eric, I guess, huh?

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, you can say that.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Okay.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Hi, Officer.

[Caller or Guest]

Good morning. How are y' all doing today?

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Good.

[Burt]

We're good. And we're not encouraging anyone to do anything but concentrate on the road.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

10 and 2. 10 and 2.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

So do you have one of these in the squad car?

[Caller or Guest]

No, I don't have one in the squad car, but kind of a funny story, one night, driving down the road, speeder's in front of me. Go ahead and pull her over. And all of a sudden, she ducks her hands below the seat. So, of course, you know, we're thinking, all right, this is kind of freaky. So we get out our guns and we point them at her, the whole deal. Show me your hands. Show me your hands. And so she shows us her hands. She goes, I was just hiding something. And we're like, what were you hiding? So she reaches down underneath her seat, pulls out one that's about a foot long and purple.

[Burt]

All right, so you thought she had a gun, but she had something else.

[Caller or Guest]

You can say that. Exactly. That's funny.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Now, let me ask you, once she showed you that, did she get off?

[Caller or Guest]

I think she did before she showed it to me.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Thanks for the call.

[Caller or Guest]

All right, guys.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

That's great.

[Phil Tyranno]

Hey, Shay.

[Burt]

Come on, tell us. Give it up.

[Caller or Guest]

Okay. I had, like, back when I had my Chrysler, I had a mini pocket rocket. Huh?

[Burt]

Okay.

[Caller or Guest]

It was not for insertion. It was, you know. You know, topical only.

[Phil Tyranno]

Sure.

[Caller or Guest]

And since, you know, you're at work, you get frustrated. You dealing with customer service. You find, you know the employee bathroom in the back, and you handle your business when you're stressed. Then you go back to work, you keep it in a plastic bag because, you know, they come with the cleaning and all that good stuff.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Now, have you. Now, okay, this is the employee bathroom. Have you ever used it in the car in traffic?

[Caller or Guest]

No, but I wouldn't be able to drive. I'm not that flexible. I'm not that flexible. And I'm a big girl. Legs can't just be gone everywhere, you know?

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Now, you just gave Jeff the idea that every time he walks down the hall and sees one of our female staff going to the bathroom, he's going to be thinking the same thing.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Burt]

You think we are taking our purse because of the month? Monthly reasons. There's other reasons too.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Right?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Getting really uncomfortable in here.

[Burt]

You brought it up.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Hey, Amanda.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Hey.

[Commercial Announcer]

Hey.

[Christy]

Hey.

[Caller or Guest]

How are you guys?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

How are you?

[Caller or Guest]

I'm doing very well. I'm a Pure Romance consultant. I actually called up yesterday and gave tracy her free $150. And I just wanted to let you guys know that we sell a micro vibro keychain. And I sell every party. I sell at least 10 to 15 of those.

[Burt]

That's hilarious.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

And they're keychains.

[Caller or Guest]

They're keychains. They put them on their keys, they can drive down the road, do whatever they want, fix their headaches, there's no problem.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

What if they valet park?

[Caller or Guest]

They valet park. Well, I guess the attendant's gonna get a really nice surprise.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

All right. Thanks for the call.

[Caller or Guest]

Thanks.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

I love how the Pure Romance people are just monitoring the show, waiting for.

[Burt]

These sex topics to come.

[Phil Tyranno]

They don't wait till they 8:30 before they start listening.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Phil Tyranno]

Hey, Jane.

[Caller or Guest]

Hey. How are you?

[Phil Tyranno]

Good.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

How are you doing?

[Caller or Guest]

Good. On more than one occasion, I have used a toy in my car. Don't have one at the moment because I have children in the car with me. But in traffic on the highway, just bored.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Road trips, whatever.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

What if you're using it and you get rear ended or something?

[Caller or Guest]

Well, I guess I've been very lucky.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

That could be dangerous.

[Caller or Guest]

I guess so. But, you know, bad, long day. It's worth it.

[Phil Tyranno]

Yeah.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Now hold on. Dana has a good point. I didn't even think of this. Dana, go ahead.

[Caller or Guest]

I was just wondering if. What If a man were to do this in traffic or at the. In the bathroom at work, he'd be considered quite the perv.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Right. And I think that's also like they.

[Burt]

Don'T do it in traffic or at work.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

I have a guy friend that confessed to me that, yeah, on long trips he gets bored, he does it.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

But that's like a. That's almost like a misdemeanor, isn't it? Like you can't do that. Yes, it is.

[Christy]

Well, if a guy.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

If a guy's doing it too. Because I. When I was a teenager, I saw a guy in a, you know, mall parking lot doing it.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

But he was doing it years ago. Jessica did too.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

But he was doing it. Waited until I got there. So he was doing it as a perv to show off to somebody else. But a guy that's doing it just to release some stress. And doing it discreetly. What's wrong with that?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

I don't know the whole thing. It should all be illegal in the car.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

So when you're on your way home, Jeff, today I want you just to think, just your mind.

[Burt]

You're wearing a big sweater I've got.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

But it's kind of dark, so I've.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Got a and I got a six minute commute so I could do it three times.

[Phil Tyranno]

The Birch show.

[Christy]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

Hi, it's Sarah. I'm the founder of Olive And June. And can I tell you the one thing that always makes my day better? A fresh manicure. But who has the time or the money to go to the salon every week? That's why we created the Olive and June gel mani system. It gives you that same mani that you get at a salon for so much less. It comes with everything you need. A pro level lamp, salon grade tools, our damage free gel polish that lasts up to 21 days. All you do is prep, paint, cure, and you're good to go. And the best part, it's super easy and so affordable. Each mani breaks down to $2. So let's skip that $80 salon appointment and get the salon quality look at home for so much less. And on your schedule, head to OliveAndJeune.com and use code DIYGEL20 for 20% off your first Gel Mani system. That's Olavann June.com DIYGEL20 code DIY GEL20 for 20% off your 1st Gel Mani system.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

So we just got off the phone with this guy Matt. We did a love lost and found with Matt and Pinky. And Pinky a couple of weeks ago is at a St. Patrick's Day party. And she meets this guy Jack, and he seems really cool. I mean, they're getting their drink on and everything. And I asked her this morning, like, what is it about this guy Matt that made you so attracted to him that you had to call a radio station and kind of put the APB out on this guy? And she said he told a pretty funny story about a kangaroo that she thought, you know what? That's a guy that I want to hang out with again. And this was his story. Pinky, what's the kangaroo story that Matt told you that just overwhelmed you?

[Commercial Announcer]

Okay.

[Caller or Guest]

He went to school in Australia for study abroad. And he was with a couple of his friends and they were driving and they hit a kangaroo. They thought that they killed it. So they are just being, you know, just being guys. And they decided to start taking pictures with this dead kangaroo. And they're putting like a hat on the kangaroo, putting the arm over it and taking pictures. Well, one of the guys gets the idea to put his jacket on the kangaroo, and all of a sudden it woke up and hopped off with the guy's jacket on. Well, they go to get in the car and the guy's keys were in the jacket on the kangaroo. They like hopped off.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Can you put her on hold for a second?

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Can I put her on hold?

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Hey, Pinky, hold on one second.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

That's the plot of a movie.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Of what? Kangaroo Jack.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Kangaroo Jack.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Kangaroo Jack, yeah.

[Burt]

Was that his pickup line?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

You think he's using the plot of a movie? And she fell for it.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Okay. So his elaborate line to pick her up was. Maybe it was a true story, but for our purposes, let's say it was a lie. And he lied and he watched Kangaroo Jack. And he's been using it as a pickup line. So then we started to think, I wonder what the biggest elaborate lie is. For anybody listening right now to give us a call. 404-741-1005. That any guy has ever laid on you to pick you up. And we started thinking about that Three Doors down drummer guy that we had on last year also. You remember this guy? Now, this was a call that we took from a bartender, right?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

She worked at. I don't know where it was. Buckhead Tavern or something. Bucket Saloon or something.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

And some guy walked in there telling her that he was the drummer from Three Doors Down.

[Caller or Guest]

He's also the drummer for Three Doors Down.

[Burt]

No way.

[Irish Bartender (Damien)]

We just played in Georgia.

[Burt]

Really?

[Phil Tyranno]

Yeah.

[Irish Bartender (Damien)]

I was just over there for New Year's Eve and then left there and.

[Phil Tyranno]

Flew out to Las Vegas and played.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Do you have your own private plane?

[Irish Bartender (Damien)]

It's not ours, but it's chartered.

[Phil Tyranno]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Does the record company pick up that kind of thing?

[Irish Bartender (Damien)]

Yeah, I don't have that kind of money.

[Burt]

Your single's been huge. For some reason. It's not coming to the top of.

[Caller or Guest]

My head right now.

[Irish Bartender (Damien)]

Hold on one second. Hold on. What got everybody going? Hold on one second. Sorry, guys. I'm gonna have to go.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Before you take off. One second here. Hey, David.

[Caller or Guest]

Hey, Brad. It's Dave Reynolds from Universal Records.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

How are you?

[Burt]

You.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

We busted that guy.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Dave Reynolds, by the way, I believe, was the. Was an A and R guy who picks out, you know, artists assigned to the label. And is the one who picked Three Doors down to be on Universal Records.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

And obviously knew this guy was.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Obviously, if you make that decision and give them that much money. You remember Dave Reynolds, name for the record.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

So we want to know the most elaborate lie a guy has ever used to pick you up. Now, obviously, you must have found out about this weeks or months later. Good morning, Kim. You're on the Burt Show. Hello.

[Caller or Guest]

Hi, how are you? I'm fine. The crazy pickup line that I had was, I'm a single parent, and we was at a basketball game, and I met this guy whose son supposedly played on the team. And for, like, a couple of months, I'M actually thinking this is this guy's son, and it's his nephew.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

So because you're a single mom, he thought that if he was a single.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Dad, it would help get in, it.

[Phil Tyranno]

Would help him, right?

[Caller or Guest]

And I was like, every time I would ask him, I was like, where is your son? And he would say, oh, he's with his mom. And one day we went. We went out in a family event. And I was like, oh, you're just such a great aunt. And she was like, aunt, I'm his mother. And I'm like, oh, hey, I'm sorry. You know, And I believe. Because they all look alike.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Suzy, thank you. Good morning. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller or Guest]

Hi. Yeah, I had a guy, I was at some Buckhead bar or something like that, and he said that he played for. It was on New Year's Eve, and I was just at the Florida football game at the Peach bowl, and everybody was at the bar afterwards. And this guy says that he played for Oklahoma University, who was playing in the national championship, like, two or three days later. And I used to work for football teams, so I know. For college football teams, so I know that they leave at least a week early to go down and prepare for the team. And I was like, oh, really? I was like, so, you know, what position do you play? And he's like, wide receiver. And the guy, like, weighs about 250 pounds.

[Christy]

I'm like, you know what?

[Caller or Guest]

He becomes a. Some stupid girl that doesn't know anything about football. And he was just like, oh, okay. I was like, what's your number? And he's like, number four. Number four. He was like, so, you want to dance? I was like, no, not so.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

No, thank you.

[Caller or Guest]

If you don't play football, you need to just leave because you should be down in Miami right now. And it was just so.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

That's funny.

[Burt]

You can't do that to girls in the south, man.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

We know about football, especially college football.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

That's right.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Good morning, Lisa. You're on the Burt show on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller or Guest]

Hello. I have an event where I was walking through Lenox Mall, met this guy, and come to find out he told me he's an FBI agent.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Right?

[Caller or Guest]

I have to start off by saying I was 20, I was young and didn't know any better, and he probably was really about 20 himself. So I didn't think that this guy is too young to be an FBI agent. And a couple of years after, well, he ended up stealing my credit cards and everything. Yeah. And when I went to the police station, I felt so stupid because they're looking at me like, yeah, girl, okay. You gave this guy your credit cards? I'm like, no, he's an FBI agent. For real?

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

Why? Did he say he needed your credit cards?

[Caller or Guest]

No, he took them out my wallet when we went to dinner.

[Burt]

So you didn't know he had them?

[Caller or Guest]

I didn't know he had them. He canceled them for me. And it was months later, before I even went to use my credit card. And so then it all started unraveling, and I was watching a movie a couple of years later, and the same thing, the movie, I was like, this is really familiar. He told me his life was this movie.

[Co-host (possibly Jeff or another male co-host)]

So he took your credit cards out and said that, like, you thought you had lost him. So he said, oh, don't worry about it. I'll cancel him. In reality, he was just keeping him in his pocket and start. And then waited a couple months and.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

And you saw the movie unfolding and it was your life.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, A couple years later, I saw the movie, and he even used lines out the movie. Oh, my God.

[Burt]

What movie was that?

[Caller or Guest]

I don't. I don't remember. It was released in the 80s. I know. The line was, see ya. I wouldn't want to be ya in the movie. And he used to say that all the time.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

That's funny. You're watching your life unfold on the screen.

[Burt]

That's crazy. That's like sociopath behavior.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Hey, Stephanie. Good morning.

[Caller or Guest]

Good morning.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Hey.

[Commercial Announcer]

Hey.

[Caller or Guest]

I think that I met the guy, the same guy that said that he was from Three Doors Down. Several years ago, I met a guy out at a club, and he said that he was the lead singer for Creed, and he had a friend with him. He said that the friend was the guitar player for Creed. And I didn't really listen to that music at the time, so I didn't really know anything about the band. So I hung out with him all weekend, and little things didn't add up that I see now. He told me that pick him up at the Crown Plaza where he was getting a room. Then later on, he was like, oh, we didn't get a room there. Like, we didn't like the rooms, and they went to, like, a crappier motel. And then my friend Jamie, we ran into her out, and she was like, stephanie, that guy is not the lead singer for Creed. He used to work with me at $3 Cafe off the property by the police, because he was impersonating, like, different band members.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

Oh, See, now that is weird because he just went from band to band, just impersonating different guys.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, to pick up women.

[Burt]

Oh, God, dude, creepy.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

And Creed is a pretty big one. That's a pretty bold lie right there because most of us would know who it was. Yeah. Hey, Christina. Most elaborate lie a guy has ever told you to pick you up?

[Caller or Guest]

Well, I was in a school pageant and there was this little boy that came up to me afterwards and was like, excuse me, excuse me. You have to help me find my brother. And I was like, all right, what does he look like? And turned out that I realized later on the line was from Big Daddy. When the little boys in the grocery store and the older guy came up to me and he was like, oh, I'm so sorry about it. And it was so planned. And I'm actually dating him now, so I guess it works. But it was just the lamest pick up line that I've ever heard, so.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

I'm not exactly sure what he did. He sent a little boy over to lie to you that he was lost.

[Caller or Guest]

Like, Big Daddy wasn't even his brother. He was just some random little boy.

[Host (possibly Burt or co-host)]

I think we're learning here that guys get their best lines from movies.

[Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa)]

Yeah, exactly. Adam Sandler did that in Big Daddy, the Birch Show.

[Phil Tyranno]

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[Phil Tyranno]

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[Phil Tyranno]

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