Transcript

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Burt (0:48)

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Host (possibly Burt or co-host) (1:49)

The Birch show hey, from time to time on the show, I think we're all pretty big moviegoers here. I think we all dig movies and we have noticed that there are certain movie cliches that you see time and time again. That's why they're cliches in movies and we try to test those cliches to see if they work in real life also. We've done this a couple of different times now.

Co-host or Producer (possibly Jen or Melissa) (2:09)

Yeah, there was one time where producer Tracy and Phil went into a restaurant. And Phil proposed to producer Tracy to see if the entire restaurant would applause and celebrate their new engagement.

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, January 6 [Vault]

Date: January 6, 2026
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Phil Tyranno, and others

Overview

This episode of The Bert Show blends classic morning radio humor with experiments that test movie clichés in real life, a deep-dive into quirky statistics about women’s car habits, and a segment on the most elaborate lies used as pick-up lines. With an ensemble cast and lively listener interactions, the show is both entertaining and engaging.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Testing Movie Clichés in Real Life

(01:49–13:00)

The hosts recall previous on-air experiments where they tested common movie tropes:
- Public Proposal: Producer Tracy and Phil tested whether a public proposal would elicit applause (it did).
- Spontaneous Singing: Burt and Phil tried singing “Lean on Me” in a Walmart to see if people would join in (some McDonald's workers did, but Walmart managers were unamused).

“All the workers at McDonald's were on the counter singing with us.” – Phil Tyranno (02:58)

New Cliché Test: “Wise Bartender”
- Inspired by movie scenes where a bartender doles out life wisdom to a troubled patron, Phil visits three different bars with a fabricated sob story, seeking sage advice.

Bartender Reactions (Timestamps below)

Dixie Tavern (Sports Bar): The bartender gives generic advice filled with clichés, ending with the advice to drink a few beers but not to wait too long to move on.

“Take some time to relax… Don't let it take too long to get back into whatever it is you gotta get into. Cause money doesn't last forever.” – Bartender (06:15)
Mexican Restaurant: When presented with Phil’s tale of woe, the bartender simply suggests “Margarita… Tequila?” as advice.

“Margarita. Tequila. Is that your advice? Drink Tequila? Yeah.” – Phil & Bartender (08:01)
Meehan’s Irish Pub: An actual Irishman sits with Phil for 20 minutes, offering genuine, heartfelt advice about getting out, staying active, and surrounding oneself with good people. The advice eventually devolves back into encouraging him to "get hammered" and offering to be a friend.

“I try to stay out of my head as much as I can… Surround yourself with as many good people as you can. And like, get out, get on the range… Just have a good old-fashioned chin wag.” – Damien, Irishman (10:20)
“On top of that, just get hammered as often as possible.” – Damien (11:30)
Key Takeaway: All bartenders’ ultimate solution was “have a drink,” confirming the cliché—at least when you ask bartenders.

2. Odd Car Statistics: "9 Out of 100 Women Have a Toy in Their Car"

(16:19–26:48)

The team discusses a curious stat from Bert's binder: 9 out of 100 women keep a "toy" (implied to be a sex toy) in their car.
Initial banter about how busy and underslept everyone is, with jokes about car-based stress relief.

"I'm underslept, but I don't have a pillow in my car." – Co-Host (18:35)

Listener Calls (Timestamps below):

Stephanie: Calls in to confirm—she keeps one in her purse and uses it 2-3 times a week, usually after work, and is vigilant about cleaning.

“Yes, I am… It’s generally in my purse, but my purse is wherever I go.” – Stephanie, caller (20:45 – 20:53)
Officer Eric: Shares a police story about pulling over a woman who concealed a purple "toy" when pulled over.

“She reaches down underneath her seat, pulls out one that's about a foot long and purple.” – Officer Eric, caller (22:25)
Shay: Talks about keeping a “pocket rocket” for non-insertive, topical use—helpful on long, stressful workdays.

“You find, you know the employee bathroom in the back, and you handle your business when you're stressed.” – Shay, caller (23:39)
Pure Romance Consultant: Details selling micro-vibro keychains, popular precisely for their portability and car use.

“We sell a micro vibro keychain... Every party I sell at least 10 to 15 of those.” – Pure Romance Consultant, caller (24:48)
Jane: Has used a toy in her car on more than one occasion, but stopped after having kids.

“On more than one occasion, I have used a toy in my car.” – Jane, caller (25:17)
Conversation turns to double standards—it's seen as pervy if a man does the same in public, but less so for women.

“I was just wondering… If a man were to do this in traffic or… at work, he'd be considered quite the perv.” – Dana, caller (25:55)

3. Elaborate Pickup Lies: Lies Men Tell to Women

(30:13–39:21)

The team discusses a story from listener Pinky, who fell for a man after he told her an elaborate kangaroo story—which the hosts point out is the plot to "Kangaroo Jack."

“That’s the plot of a movie… Kangaroo Jack.” – Host and Co-hosts (31:35)
Listeners and hosts trade stories about over-the-top lies men use as pickup lines:
- Three Doors Down Drummer: A guy tells women he's the drummer for the band. The show calls Universal Records and exposes the imposter.
- Single Dad Ruse: A man claims to be a single parent to get closer to a single mom, but his “son” turns out to be his nephew.
- Fake Athlete: A man claims to play wide receiver for Oklahoma University at a bar, but the caller quickly exposes him due to her sports knowledge.
- FBI Agent: A man claims he’s an FBI agent, then later steals the woman’s credit cards; she realizes years later the guy was copying a movie plot.
- Lead Singer for Creed: Another imposter claims to be the famous singer, but is outed by mutual friends.
- Adam Sandler Script: A man borrows the “lost kid” pickup ploy from the movie “Big Daddy” to engage a woman, and she eventually recognizes the script.

"I think we're learning here that guys get their best lines from movies." – Host (39:18)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Bartender Wisdom:
- “I try to stay out of my head as much as I can… Surround yourself with as many good people as you can... And on top of that, just get hammered as often as possible.” – Damien, Irishman (10:20–11:30)
On the Car Toy Statistic:
- “Yes, I am… It’s generally in my purse, but my purse is wherever I go.” – Stephanie, caller (20:45 – 20:53)
- “You can say that. Exactly. That's funny.” – Officer Eric, after discovering the purple toy during a traffic stop (23:03)
On Pickup Line Movie Plots:
- “That’s the plot of a movie… Kangaroo Jack.” – Hosts when hearing Pinky's story (31:35)
- “He used to work with me at $3 Cafe off the property by the police, because he was impersonating, like, different band members.” – Stephanie, caller (38:16)
- “I think we're learning here that guys get their best lines from movies.” – Host (39:18)

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Time | |-------------------------------------------|-----------| | Movie clichés: Public proposals & singing | 01:49–04:32| | Bartender wisdom experiment | 04:32–13:00| | Bert’s topic binder & sex toy statistic | 16:19–18:25| | Listener calls: Women w/ toys in cars | 20:45–25:51| | Pickup lies & movie plots | 30:13–39:21|

Tone & Style

The show’s trademark mix of irreverence, self-awareness, and playful curiosity is present throughout.
Hosts riff off each other and engage freely with both cast members and callers—sometimes venturing into risqué territory with good-natured candor.

Summary for New Listeners

In this episode, The Bert Show crew set out to prove whether classic movie clichés hold up in reality—testing everything from the wisdom of bartenders to the likelihood of strangers joining a public singalong. A wacky statistic about women’s car accessories sparks lively, revealing phone calls from listeners. Finally, the cast and audience recount the best (and most laughably bad) lies men have used to impress women, often borrowing plots straight from Hollywood. The result is a fun, relatable, and raucous hour of morning radio—perfect for escaping your commute or daily grind.