The Bert Show — Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, March 10 [Vault]
Date: March 10, 2026

Episode Overview

In this energetic and lighthearted episode, the Bert Show team tackles everything from living out wild car-related fantasies to handling exes who want “gifted” sports tickets back, and even science-backed parenting tips. The segment is filled with laugh-out-loud anecdotes, real listener calls, and that signature Bert Show camaraderie, making it a quintessential, highly relatable morning radio experience.

Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Living Out a Car-Ramming Fantasy

Starts at 01:01

• Background: Inspired by a Mike Tyson news story—where Tyson rammed through a stubborn security gate—the team discusses everyone’s latent desire to destroy annoying obstacles with their cars (01:19).
• Jeff’s Opportunity: After a listener offers up their old, barely-running van, Jeff gets to live out his dream of ramming a stray grocery cart in an empty lot (02:44).
• Play-by-Play: Melissa previews the event, and the crew marvels at the “perfect” van, complete with exhaust fumes and missing parts. Jeff rams the cart, and hilarity (and minor vehicle carnage) ensues.
  • Jeff: “Let her fly.” (06:34)
  • Burt: “Mainly because I don’t know if the van could have handled two [hits]…” (06:39)
• Aftermath: The grocery cart survives virtually unscathed; the van, not so much.
  • Burt: “The cart is fine. The cart not damaged at all.” (08:59)
  • Mike: “That is so funny.” (09:21)
• Moral: It's satisfying but totally not worth doing in real life, with the show issuing a tongue-in-cheek PSA:
  • Mike: “Don’t try this at home, kids.” (10:00)

Notable Moment:

• Jeff: “I want to run over everything now.” (10:16)
• Crew jokes about feeling “addicted” to the rush, underscoring the relatable impulse.

2. Listener Drama: The Ex, The Tickets, The Spite

Starts at 10:32

• Caller Nicole’s Dilemma: Nicole owns two championship game tickets, a birthday gift from her ex-boyfriend (a Georgia fan who dumped her after Florida beat Georgia). He now wants “his” ticket back (10:49).
• Debate & Advice:
  • Hosts agree Nicole owes her ex nothing and humorously strategize how she might send a message:
    • Jeff: “Why do you have to be nice about it at all? Why don’t you just call him back and say, ‘Are you kidding me?’” (13:12)
    • Mike: “You should do what every mature adult would do and just avoid the phone.” (13:21)
• Other Listeners’ Stories:
  • Callers share their own tales of relationship tickets woes, offering support and even jokingly creative “revenge” ideas.
    • Caller: “Put [a note] in an envelope, and on the piece of cardboard, put ‘In your dreams!’ Seriously.” (17:33)
    • Another caller suggests making a sign at the game to be caught on TV:
      • “Thanks for the ticket!”—hoping her ex sees it on the broadcast (18:05)

Notable Quotes & Moments:

• Jeff: “You have no obligation to him whatsoever. It should be an easy phone call… It was my birthday. They were both a present. You didn’t get me one ticket for the game, you got me two. It’s over.” (13:29)
• Mike: “If that’s the case, then just take his best friend.” (14:47)
• Nicole: “Wendy, if my friend decides not to go… you have the other ticket.” (18:23)

3. The Marshmallow Test: Can You Predict Your Kid’s Success?

Starts at 18:45

• Stanford Study: The team unpacks a famous study where kids are left with a marshmallow and told they can have a second if they wait 15 minutes. Whether they eat the first marshmallow immediately or wait is said to predict their self-discipline and later success (19:26).
• Discussion:
  • Four out of eleven kids ate the marshmallow in the first minute—“zero self-discipline” (20:32).
  • The hosts highlight the key takeaway: self-discipline, not innate “smarts,” predicts long-term success.
    • Jeff: “From a ton of research, self-discipline is a key success factor for kids.” (20:32)
  • Practical joking ensues, with Burt suggesting separating “kids, smart kids, and dumb kids” at the Thanksgiving table (23:41).
  • They also riff about an adult version of the marshmallow test, using shots at a bar.
    • Burt: “You can have this Patron shot right now, or you can have two in 15 minutes. And I think I would probably fail miserably.” (23:54)

Notable Quotes:

• Burt: “You want to sort the kids out early. You want to be able to separate them. So not only at Thanksgiving do you have a kids table, [but also] a smart kids table, and a dumb kids table.” (23:41)
• Jeff: “If you could just hold out for a little bit here, you’re gonna get twice as much in 15 minutes or whatever… it’s a predictor that they’ll be more successful in school and in life.” (21:28)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jeff: “I say it’s worth it.” (05:42) — on risking a dodgy van for fantasy fulfillment.
• Melissa: “I had a passenger side door that would open…there was a bungee cord attached to the passenger side door…that’s the way I kept the door shut.” (06:12)
• Caller: “I know how death must feel. It must be liberating, because I deliver mail…and for some reason, people think every Thursday they need to put their trash can in front of the mailbox…” (09:27)
• Burt: “It feels so good. But seriously, don’t do it.” (10:06)

Structure & Timestamps

• 01:01 | Car-rage fantasy setup & story
• 03:11 | Listener provides van for experiment
• 06:34 | Ramming the grocery cart (play-by-play)
• 08:59 | Cart survives, van doesn't
• 10:32 | Ex-boyfriend wants birthday tickets back
• 13:12 | Advice for Nicole on dealing with the ex
• 17:04 | Audience calls with relateable stories and “revenge” plans
• 18:45 | The Marshmallow Test: predicting children’s future success
• 21:28 | Practical implications of self-discipline
• 23:41 | Thanksgiving humor about sorting kids by discipline

Tone & Style

True to The Bert Show’s signature approach, the episode brims with candid, conversational humor and warmth. Relatable everyday irritations are elevated to entertaining storytelling, with an undercurrent of honesty—whether discussing laughable automotive mishaps, tricky ex dynamics, or parenting strategies. Moments of listener interaction reinforce the “we’re all in this together” mood that defines the show.

In Closing

From destructive van antics to “petty” but justified drama over sports tickets and a marshmallow-fueled foray into child psychology, this Bert Show episode delivers laughs, solidarity, and even a practical takeaway or two—perfect for anyone wanting their morning made a little brighter.