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Jen
Are you really buying a car online on Autotrader right now? Really? At a playground? Yeah, really. Look at these listings from dealers. Wow, your search can really get that specific. Really? And you just put in your info and boom, car's in your budget.
Reshma
Mom needs a second.
Jen
Honey, you can really have it delivered. Really? Or I can pick it up at the dealership.
Reshma
One sec, sweetie.
Jen
Mommy's buying a car. Mommy, look.
Melissa
I think kid is walking up the slide again.
Jen
Really? Autotrader, Buy your car online.
Reshma
Really?
Melissa
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Bert
The Birch show because you can really get away with anything you want as a woman on two different occasions. When you turn 21 and when you fast forward to when you get married. Also, like people are just throwing things at free things. They sit your first class, you get anything you want. The day you get married. But then reality, then it's reality then that's not the real world.
Jen
There's no other time in a woman's life after that.
Bert
All right, so before we even get into the voicemails, how do you think this is best? Do you think you just tell us about the night or should you tell us about the night throughout the entire. As. As I play the cuts,
Melissa
what was. Okay, the first call was at Twisted Taco. I mean, I think after the cuts, but up to this point, okay, at this point, I guess the second voicemail, I went to dinner with my family. I had a pomegranate martini at dinner. Strongest martini. I've like I don't. I'm not a martini drinker, but it was a pomegranate strong drink.
Bert
Did you order for the whole table, too?
Melissa
Cause you're trying. No, it was just my pants on. And so then my friend took me to a liquor store and we bought a couple mini bottles, and it was her half birthday, and we had this big joke. So we took him in the car before we went in to Twisted Taco to meet up with everyone else. And we went to dinner, and all of my friends were eating, but I had already eaten, so I was just throwing them back.
Bert
Okay.
Melissa
They were all like, you're not drunk enough yet. Just keep drink eating. And I'm like, can I just get another one?
Bert
What was the drink of choice in the other places?
Melissa
Most places it was. It's my birthday. Surprised me.
Bert
Oh, no.
Reshma
Oh.
Jen
So it's a combo.
Melissa
It was a big combo night. Big combo.
Jen
It's like a buffet of drinks.
Reshma
Yeah.
Melissa
And I can say this now, but at Twisted Taco, every time the waiter would take too long to bring my drink, one of my friends got me, like, a bunch of mini bottles. She would pour a mini bottle into my glass and just be like, just drink this. And I would drink it straight.
Bert
Wow. So you went. You went hard. You went heavy. You were gonna do this, right?
Melissa
Yeah, you'll hear.
Bert
Okay, so again, this is the first one from TW, and this one's around, what, 7:00 clock at night?
Reshma
Is that what we establish at 7:43pm hey, Burcho, it's intern Reshma. I am at Twisted Taco right now. It's like seven something. Finally met with my friends, and I'm Chef. I have been carded three times so far. I've had, I think, two or three mini bottles since you've got. And I'm getting a surprise drink from Twisted Tacos, so I'm feeling pretty good. All right, I will call you a.
Bert
Okay. So we're pregaming right now?
Reshma
A little bit.
Jen
Yep.
Bert
Okay. Are you going to go ahead and play second one?
Melissa
Yeah, I guess.
Bert
Do you remember leaving these?
Melissa
I remember most of them. Like, I remember leaving all of them. I can't remember what I said.
Bert
Okay.
Melissa
I remember the general content of all
Jeff
I think it's going to be right now. It's easy to ask her ahead of time what they're about, but about two more messages, I think you're going to say, now, what's the next one?
Melissa
This next one, I think, is the one I'm most embarrassed. This next one the one after is the one I'm most embarrassed about because I can't believe I like I told myself I wouldn't do it because it's one of those drunk tendencies I always do.
Jen
Oh, well, let's play it.
Reshma
Go ahead.
Bert
Yeah. There are going to be mini stories, I think with each and every one.
Reshma
Sent at 8:48pm what's your name? Jacob. Hey, virtual, it's Reshma. I'm at Twisted Taco still and Jacob, Jacob has brought me some free drinks. So I'm awesome right now. I'm or some right now, but I'm feeling great and I've had. What have I had? I've had a couple mini bottles, couple of drinks, some stuff, some shots, some other stuff I don't remember but I'll call you later. Bye.
Bert
Okay, so we're getting a little goofier here.
Jen
All right.
Bert
Starting to get a little looser.
Reshma
Did that happen?
Jen
Sentences don't quite come to a full closure, you know, I think Jen just
Bert
said a curse word or two in there now. Okay.
Melissa
Yeah.
Jeff
Did that have what you said you wouldn't do in there or we have
Melissa
not the next one.
Jeff
Okay, here we go.
Melissa
It's definitely the next one.
Bert
And that last one was still a Twisted Taco. So you're there for over an hour and a half.
Melissa
Yeah, everyone had dinner. I mean, when I. The first voicemail was right when I got there. Okay, so. So we were there, but we were there a good chunk of time.
Reshma
Sent at 9:36pm hey Bisho, it's Reshma. I'm here at Reroll cause Melissa told me about it, but it's really, really hot in here. I'm kind of dying. No, I didn't. And so it's really hot in here and I'm drinking some sort of surprise drinks that the bartender gave me and I apologize, Madonna. I was calling earlier. I think I was supposed to call earlier, but it's really hot in here. I wish there was turns of air conditioning on or something. Other than that I'm doing great and I hope you guys are having a good night. All right, bye.
Bert
Okay, the accent. What's the story behind the English accent?
Melissa
My dad's British, so I mean I go to England a lot, but when I was in Spain this past couple of months, my friends and I, for some reason one night just all started talking in accents and it was this giant thing. And it's not just so you know, that night was British.
Jeff
Hey Reshma, if you're in Spain, you're already talking with an accent, right? So you don't have to pretend to
Melissa
do one around each other. It would be either a British accent, an Australian accent. Like, we would pull out the most random accents. So that night it was British.
Jen
I assume at Rerah you would have done Irish, but, you know, you look close.
Melissa
Apparently not.
Jeff
No, I do the same thing. I think I'm doing Irish. And then people are like, why are you talking like you're from Jamaica? Huh?
Melissa
Well, my friend who's keeping my phone was being really nice, and, like, normally she, like, takes my phone, I told you guys. And doesn't let me drunk dial. But that night, she was being really nice, and she's like, it's your birthday. Call whoever you want. I'm sure people want to hear from you. So I called my friend who I always do it with, and she started talking like that just as a joke. And so I guess by the time I called you guys, I was still in it. And I didn't realize that my friends were like, what are you doing? And of course they thought it was hilarious, so they called me.
Bert
So we've got time confusion going on now. Okay.
Reshma
Sent at 10:40pm What? Okay. Hey, the door, freshman. I'm having a great time. I see you, Josh. And I like giving me free drinks at baby drinks till 11:30 is all good. So I love bringing the show and I miss you all.
Jeff
Here we go.
Reshma
Tomorrow or Wednesday or something. But I love all of you and I hope you all have a great night. Bye. I love you all.
Bert
And where were you at that point?
Melissa
I was at Sutra, and they had free kamikaze and bubblegum drinks until 11:30. So everyone who saw it was my birthday brought me one over. And my, like, the next day, I counted how much I drank. I cannot believe how much I drank.
Bert
Crazy amount.
Melissa
Ridiculous.
Bert
All right, so in that one, our voice is getting a little louder. We're a little more touchy feely, a little more love.
Jen
Getting a little more curse words.
Jeff
You are the stereotypical drunk girl. Oh, like the person starts with, oh, my God, the waiter's over here. Drinks. And then they would. I love Everybody.
Bert
We have four more to go.
Reshma
Sent at 11:27pm hey, it's breakfast. This is J. I picked up your
Jeff
girl Restaurant that started freak.
Reshma
Pretty drunk. I'm drunk.
Jeff
You know, we having a night.
Reshma
We doing all fine.
Melissa
Oh, you're playing my song, right?
Reshma
Restaurant. Totally up right now. She's dance floor with some guys. I don't know what the hell is going on.
Bert
Okay, so message five now you're not even capable of leaving your own message.
Jeff
Who was that dude?
Melissa
No, those were. Those were two of my really good friends. Those were people taking care of me, and they came over to me to tell me it was time to call. And I was at Sutron on Monday, so it was empty. And I was dancing by myself and my song was on, so I didn't want to leave, so they decided to make the call for me.
Bert
Okay.
Jeff
Those are the people taking care of you?
Jen
Yeah.
Jeff
Isn't that like asking a blind person to help you cross the street?
Bert
Are they both pretty jacked up at that point? Also?
Melissa
No. One of them drank in the beginning. And then the guy, I think he was pretty. But the girl, she was completely sober, hopefully ish.
Jeff
Well said.
Bert
So you're in Sutra Lounge. They're playing your. Your jam. So you're dancing by yourself. All right. This is voicemail number six.
Reshma
Sent at 12:09am.
Melissa
I don't remember that one. I'm not gonna lie. I have no rec. I thought she only called once, so I did not expect that.
Bert
That was her. Was that you?
Melissa
That was her. And then I think I was in the background.
Jeff
You were the screamer?
Melissa
I think so.
Bert
You're the wooer?
Melissa
I think so. I think I was the woo girl.
Jeff
Anybody ever say woo sober? Mm.
Jen
Mm.
Jeff
Never.
Bert
Was that Sutra also?
Melissa
Yeah, we say it's Sutra the rest of the night.
Bert
The whole night? Yeah.
Melissa
Because at that point, people were just kind of showing up randomly. And I think my friend was sick of telling people where we were. So it was just like people kept coming and leaving.
Bert
If you're gonna see her, see her at sutra.
Reshma
Yep, at 12:53am it's intern Reshma here. I'm calling at the end ish of the night. I think this will be my last call, but I don't know, maybe, maybe not. My cousin just met me at a bar and I was at a bar and I'm pretty drunk. They were like, feeding me alcohol there. They like, IV'd me and I alcohol there. But I'm feeling pretty good. My Dee Dee is driving, so, I mean, I can't tell if she's driving straight or not, but it's pretty good. And I had an awesome night and I will see you guys tomorrow. Awesome, awesome, awesome night. Like memorable. Maybe not maybe sort of memorable night, but I guess I thought you guys. So thanks. I love you guys. Rushmake Q100
Jen
signing off.
Jeff
That guy making noise in the background, was he awake or were those sleep? No ideas because that's the same noise that I make to indicate to the cab driver perhaps he should pull over. Hey, we had 285.
Bert
Now, what I'm hearing here also is like you're already. You're past the mountain of energy and now you're starting. You're ready to crash out. All right, this is the very last one of the night. And these are our intern Reshma turning 21 Monday night, leaving voicemails for us every hour.
Reshma
Sent at 1:13am hey, virtue intern Reshma here. I'm on my way home with my BFF and keeper of his own Rocky. I had an awesome night. The last place I went to, they gave me like bottles and bottles and shots and shots of free. So it's been a pretty good night. Sutra gave me some good and I just saw myself and it was good for and so I'm hoping I'll wake up in time for my project tomorrow. But if not, I think I'll make it anyways. Hopefully you guys will enjoy this. Until then, I'm gonna grab some food and get some Taco Bell and go home. But until then, have a good night.
Jeff
It's time for fourth meal.
Bert
There did seem like another accent that kind of kicked in at the very, very end there.
Jen
Taco bell at 2:00am so good.
Melissa
By the way, I had a 1:00 clock class and a 5:30 and I made it to neither.
Bert
Neither one did you really.
Reshma
I.
Melissa
Last night, going to bed was still a struggle.
Reshma
Oh my God. It was my first.
Jen
First time.
Melissa
I have never been that hungover in my. My mom was the entire day just
Reshma
making fun of me.
Melissa
She's like, do you want to go here the entire day? It was horrible.
Jeff
Just so you know, the urban legend at my college was that you didn't have to go to class on the day after your 21st birthday.
Jen
Right, right. Because universities will honor that Was your
Bert
English accent Voicemail three or four?
Melissa
I think it was four.
Jeff
It was the fourth one sent at
Reshma
10:40pm That's a bad one too. Okay. I'm having a great time. I am seeing dogs and I like giving me sweet drinks at the truck.
Jeff
The Birch Show.
Jen
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Reshma
When you sell for the first time,
Jen
make room for what feels like you. Go to therealrael.com to start selling and get your extra $200 to keep shopping@therealrail.com that's therealreal.com terms apply.
Melissa
I sold my car in Carvana last night. Well, that's cool. No, you don't understand. It went perfectly. Real offer down to the penny. They're picking it up tomorrow.
Reshma
Nothing went wrong. So what's the problem?
Bert
That is the problem.
Melissa
Nothing in my life goes as smoothly. I'm waiting for the catch.
Reshma
Maybe there's no catch.
Melissa
That's exactly what a catch would want me to think.
Reshma
Wow. You need to relax.
Melissa
I need to knock on wood. Do we have. What is this? Table wood?
Reshma
I think it's laminate.
Melissa
Okay.
Bert
Yeah, that's good. That's close enough.
Reshma
Car selling without a catch.
Jen
Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees may apply.
Bert
The bird show Tracy's calls are going right to voicemail, so I'll just read her email.
Jeff
Panic.
Bert
I recently found out that my husband is having an affair. He's in the military and is across the country for training. I knew something was going on but had no proof until I saw an email on his Facebook from her telling him that she loved him and cannot wait to start their life together. When I spoke to him about it, he said he is just lonely and wants to be with me and our kids. I don't know what to do. I can't afford to see him or have him come to Georgia to see me, so I'm stuck. I love him and willing to look past this and be with him. Help. But I think she was entertaining some thoughts about letting him do what he's doing wherever he is, and then once that's over, come home and be with the family.
Jen
Oh, is he the one that should be coming home to be with the family?
Bert
What's that like?
Jen
Isn't he the one that should be trying to repair it and go home and be with the family?
Jeff
Well, he's in the military. Yeah, I think the Situation is he's wherever doing his thing and he's got to be there for let's say nine months, a year, whatever. And she's back here in Atlanta and can't afford to go visit him regularly, can't leave her family. So she's like, well, he's got needs. She's that girl's out there.
Jen
But this woman is saying, I love you and I can't wait for us to start our life together. So is it just so that he can be satisfied or is it he really starting a new life with somebody?
Bert
See, here's what we just don't know. There are going to be a couple of variables. Is he just telling this woman that? Is he misleading her? Not the wife, but the woman out in wherever she is, the mistress, that he's more into her than he really is so he can continue to have sex or are they really in love? Have they really formed something that's intimate? Because I mean we've had, we've taken plenty of calls from women that have said I can get over the sex part of it. I can't get over it if he's in love, if it was a real affair. So. And I don't know, maybe things are different in the military. Maybe in some cases you sort of understand each other and you just sort of okay, he's not gonna be back for a while, so let him do what he's gonna do.
Jen
I have no idea.
Bert
404-741-Q100. Hey, Sarah.
Reshma
Hey. I am in the military and I have served overseas and I don't believe that this condones anyone to cheat on their spouse. He can get kicked out, especially if it's with someone he's cheating with. Like if she's in the military. Depending on his rank, he can have his rank Yankee and she won't get in trouble if he's higher ranked than her.
Jeff
Well, I think that's the problem. He's having his rank yanked right now by someone other than his wife.
Reshma
Right. Well, I'm saying that this is on the radio. So if someone knows this guy, they can go report it to his NCO and he could be kicked out. He could be given a counseling statement depending on how long the affair has gone on. Or he could have his rank taken and then he won't be able to provide for his family. So he really needs to consider what he's doing. And is it worth a few one night stands to lose your career over?
Bert
Run that rank thing by me again. If, if she is in the Military with him.
Reshma
If she's in the military, too. And let's say he is an E7 and she's an E4. He will have his yank his rank pulled from him. He can lose all his rank, however much of his rank that his NCO wants to pull from him. She won't have a rank pulled.
Jeff
We don't know that she's.
Reshma
He is considered her superior, but we
Jeff
don't know that she's in the military. The guy that the girl that she's Right.
Reshma
So if she is in the military, it's a lot worse.
Bert
Yeah. This is something I didn't know about the whole rank thing.
Reshma
He's running the risk of losing his rank and being kicked out.
Jen
I wanted to ask you about affairs in general in the military. Is it something that's fairly common?
Reshma
It is. It really is. A lot of people sleep around a lot. Me personally, I don't. I could never do that. I have. I have three children. I'm happily married, and I would rather just go buy dildo and pleasure myself and cheat on my side. Hello. Okay.
Melissa
Okay.
Reshma
You know, I mean, sorry to be vulgar, but, you know, there are other ways to get around.
Jen
There you go. Army issue. That's right. Part of my rations. Thank you, military.
Reshma
Thank you.
Jen
I just wonder, you know, if somebody's going to be gone for a year or two years. If each spouse just sort of kind of turns a blind eye to it or if they talk about, you know, I wonder if they have communication about it. Like, hey, do whatever you want to do, just don't fall in love with somebody. Or if they say, you know, you know, honey, let's Skype about it, or what?
Melissa
You know what I mean?
Bert
Like, what was that Jamie Foxx movie that came out was about the military a couple of years ago? Jake Gyllenhaal was in it also. And Jarhead. One of the storylines was Jake Gyllenhaal just going out of his mind thinking of all the things his girlfriend might be doing with somebody else back home. I mean, you're so far from each other and you feel so out of control that your mind can really start to play nutty tricks on you, you know? Good morning, Terry. You're on Q100.
Reshma
Hi. I've been in the military. I'm not anymore. My. My other half still is. But I want to say that this does happen all the time. And she needs to find out whether or not it is an emotional aspect of the issue. And also turn off. And also that. Turn it off. My son's playing with the radio. Sorry.
Bert
How dare him.
Jeff
Just give him an elbow.
Reshma
And I think the other thing too is I've been on the other side. I've been the other woman, not even knowing that the guy was married. And we were on the same post together and he actually lived one block away from me with his spouse and his children. So she could. The other woman could very well not even know about it and. And just think that he's. He's on a mission right now and he. They are going to have a life together. So he could very well not know or she could very well not even know about it. And he had no intention of ever leaving his wife. That was the case with me.
Bert
Do you think the statistics of infidelity are higher in the military than they would be in other industries?
Reshma
I absolutely think so.
Bert
Really?
Jen
Because you're forced away.
Reshma
It's kind of the nature of the job. You're gone. Your spouse is gone all the time. And one thing I do have to say, it may not be for all women out there that are married to military service members, but a lot of times they seem to lose their identity. They're so caught up with taking care of their husbands and having to transition from one location to the other, having to make new friends. Whereas their spouse, that's in the military, they come into an office and they automatically have new co workers, new friends, and the spouses has to try to readjust and make new people or trying to find a new job, trying to find new sitters, and it's very difficult. So a lot of times the spouse may tend to lose themselves. I mean, I'm speaking from being on the other aspect of it, not being in the military anymore.
Bert
That sounds so many different levels to it. You don't even think about, you know.
Jen
Yeah, totally. And it sounds like from that email that you read, Bert, that this woman might be losing herself a little bit because she seems like. She doesn't seem mad about it.
Reshma
Like she's okay with it now.
Jen
Well, I mean, I don't know, but I'm more concerned about the other woman, you know, on his Facebook page saying how much she loves him and can't wait to see.
Jeff
I mean, well, that could just be him saying what he has to say to her to get what he needs to do.
Jen
She's going to deal with that woman.
Bert
And would you, if you knew he was married, would you do a public post like that?
Jen
Who knows? But I just know that what, regardless of whether she knows he's married or not, that our listener has to deal with her, you know, and if she's in love with him, then it's going to be a little more complicated than him just cut it off and him coming home.
Bert
And now she has. She should be able to have direct contact with the mistress if she knows she's a mistress or not.
Jen
Yeah.
Bert
Hey, Christina. Good morning. You're on Q100.
Reshma
So I'm so glad to be on with you guys.
Bert
Thank you for joining us. What's up?
Reshma
I'm actually just got out of the military as a 42 Alpha. I processed human resource requests and actually things like this. The lady that called him the first time said he could get his ring kinked and stuff like that. That doesn't actually happen like that. You have to have proof. Unless the other woman's going to rat him out on it or he gets her pregnant or she can have two or more people say that he's actually doing this. She can't really do anything about it. So my advice would be, if she loves him, to work through it, get her over there where he's at. Definitely, though don't condone it because it happens enough in the military. They just need to work through that. But, yeah, I wouldn't definitely not say it's okay because he's gone.
Bert
All right, thank you. And Kim wants to be on the voice disguiser. Go ahead.
Reshma
This actually happened to my family, where my dad was having an affair when he was in the military with my. And just from the children's point of view, it can be. It's not a healthy situation from the children's point of view, because to this day, I will not date anybody in the military. It tore our family apart, and it tore my mother apart. And even when she chose to ignore it, she never was able to really ignore it, and it hurt her, and it destroyed us. And growing up and seeing your mom cry or growing up and seeing your mom, you know, and your dad playing happy daddy when, you know. You know, by the time that we kind of figured it out, we were all old enough to realize what was going on. And, I mean, I'm about to cry now because it hurts. And from the children's point of view, I'm just saying that she may be able to overlook it, but your children are going to remember that. And especially if you have boys, they're going to grow up and think that that's okay to do, and it's not. And it's. And you know, it is true that the military does look down on infidelity and it can be a really, really, really big mess. And I went through this, and when it all came to a head, I was in high school. And it was horrible. It was humiliating. And I still can barely speak to my dad to this day. Wow.
Bert
Thank you for calling. Here is Sally, who wants to be on the voice disguiser. Also. Hey, Sally.
Reshma
Hi. I am having an affair with two different military men at the moment. Whoa. Neither one of them know about each other.
Bert
Neither one of them know about each other. And the wives have no idea, no clue.
Reshma
Are you going to be feeling bad about this whole mistress? Because I can verify she knows about the wives.
Bert
You think so?
Reshma
Oh, yeah.
Jeff
So you are having this relationship with them, knowing that they're married because it's easy for you or because you're in love with them?
Reshma
No.
Jen
Are you also married?
Reshma
No.
Bert
Do you target military guys?
Reshma
No.
Bert
It just happened that way.
Reshma
Yeah. You know, I mean, it's just easy. And actually, the sad part about it is they want more of a commitment than I do.
Bert
Really?
Jen
You don't feel the least bit bad about that?
Reshma
Well, I mean, you always do. In. In any kind of relationship. I mean, there's always something you're doing.
Jen
Is there a kid in the background?
Reshma
They go away, and then they start calling again and they come back.
Jen
And do they know about each other?
Reshma
No.
Jen
And is one of. Is your child fathered by a military guy?
Reshma
No.
Jen
Okay.
Bert
Is it just. Is it. Is it just an easier life? Because now I'm assuming they're not here in Atlanta?
Reshma
No.
Bert
So it's easy for you. Then they come home for a couple of weeks or a couple of months, you can have this affair, and then they take off.
Jen
What would you give advice to this woman? I mean, what would you tell her to do? The email that Bert read, she needs
Reshma
to email this mistress, because I can guarantee you that as soon as the mistress finds out that the wife knows, she'll drop them.
Jeff
Would that's what would happen to you?
Reshma
Well, it's the simple fact that the wife. That I know about you. I don't want to get involved in all that crap.
Jeff
Now, is it safe to assume that the posting on the Facebook page, the public Facebook page, might be the mistress's way of letting the wife know?
Reshma
Oh, yeah. It's one of two things. She's fallen deeply in love with him, and she now wants to be heard. She wants everybody to know that she is here, and she wants him. And she wants him to leave his wife and his kids and come be with him.
Jeff
Or crazy.
Reshma
Or she is, you know, done with him. And he keeps calling her, and she's like, you know what? Fine. You know, if you're gonna keep bothering me, then I'm gonna make sure everybody knows that you have been having an affair.
Bert
Wow. Okay. And those are the words from a woman that's having affairs with two different military guys.
Jen
Yeah, it's like I said earlier. Our listeners are gonna have to deal with that woman, you know, and it's
Bert
not something that can be avoided. You can't live with that. Can't live with that. I mean, even when he comes home, like, you're supposed to just pretend you don't have that knowledge of just what happened the last couple of months.
Jen
Who can live with that when nobody should?
Jeff
And who has the time to have such a complex life? Like, seriously, like, you're juggling two married dudes.
Bert
But it's easy because they're both out of town.
Jeff
Yeah, but still, you got it.
Bert
It's easy for her, complicated for them.
Jeff
I can't even pay my phone bill on time. The Bird show,
Bert
the Birch O.
Jeff
So I got to, this weekend, enjoy the company of some lady friends. Not in that way, you pervs, but
Bert
in a beautiful highway kind of way.
Jeff
Yeah. Just hanging out with some girl friends. And I was like, there are two guys. And the rest of the group was girls. And the conversation at some point turned to guys and guys that we all know and who's hooked up with who. And the weird equations that come when you've hooked up with one friend, you can't hook up with another, blah, blah, blah. And that dissolved into a conversation about sex. And I think we've heard the rumors or we've talked about it on the show that women are very descriptive of sexual encounters with guys amongst each other, amongst each other. And I think the thought, the general consensus might be that guys, when they have sex with a girl, they go, oh, Burt, man, I bang. Blah, blah, blah. And it was like this and that and blah, blah. And the reality is, I think, for the most part, is it's usually a pretty quick conversation. Hey, Bert, you see Wendy over there? Hooked up with her last night. Really? Was it good? Yeah, it was good. Wanna have a beer? Yep. And that's it.
Bert
75% of the time, it's like that.
Jeff
Yeah. I mean, there might be a little more detail, but the women that we were with, it kind of paired off. So the girls were off to one side talking, and then the other guy who was there and I were talking, and then we Realized what the conversation was about. So then we went from talking to eavesdropping, and we heard them describing the motion of a guy. Now, this wasn't even. None of the girls had hooked up with this guy. This is a girlfriend of theirs had sex with a guy, then came back to them and reported that it would never happen again because he was a stabber. And they've actually dubbed him amongst their group the stabber, which I would be more creative than that. I think Jack the Ripper would have been better, but they went with the stabber. So, you know, now dude and I. Other guy and I are kind of, like, listening with one ear, going, oh, my God, this is this really happening? And they're. They're, you know, talking about the motion, like, doing it with their hands and stuff, like, explaining why it was bad. Then one of the girls says to the other two, did you hear about the faces? And so at which point, we're now the two guys. We're, like, involved in the conversation. We're like, what the hell are you about? And they're like, he made at the height of the ceremony.
Reshma
Right, right.
Jeff
It was described as the face that the people in the ring make when they die.
Jen
Oh, movie. The ring.
Jeff
Yes. Oh, and then I remember the movie. They proceeded.
Bert
I know what he's talking about. Do you know the analogy?
Jeff
I can try to.
Jen
I don't know the analogy, but I know what he's talking about.
Jeff
I can try to duplicate it. Okay, first, I need everybody to put their hands in the air, because can we trit.
Bert
Pick this?
Jeff
Hell, no. Hands in the air. I'm not looking at any cameras. This is it.
Bert
So the eyes are kind of rolled up in the eyelids, and the mouth is about half open.
Jen
I wish there was a security camera in here at that moment.
Jeff
And then the.
Jen
We need to pick that, please. Oh, Jeff, fantastic reenactment.
Jeff
And then the. Maybe we could twin pick it after the show, but we just can't explain what it is. You would just have to be Jeff. Making a face. People listening. Making a face. People listening now. But they described. And then that was, like, the face at the. You know, at the. For the closing ceremonies.
Bert
Got it.
Jeff
During the games, in the opening ceremony, there were other faces that they were all duplicating and going, oh, my God, do you believe he did this in, like, all these things?
Jen
And none of these women had been with the guy. They were sharing the story of a friend of theirs who shared it with
Bert
them, which is always gonna be way worse, because by the Time it goes from woman to woman to woman to woman to woman. It's gonna be way worse.
Jeff
So dude and I are sitting there like, wtf? Like, the pressure now, Like, I'm thankful I'm not a single guy, because had I heard that, and dude I was with is single. Had I heard that, it's intimidating, right? The pressure to not only perform satisfactorily in terms of what you're doing, but also to make sure your facial expression.
Bert
You will bury your head in her neck like a gopher into the ground next time so she doesn't see anything.
Jeff
You've just eliminated about two thirds of the fun positions. Or we're doing it in the complete darkness. We are having sex at dialogue in the dark. Because, like, that's not right.
Bert
Guys do it too, though.
Jeff
Not that bad.
Bert
Was it really graphic? Like, shockingly graphic?
Jen
Yes. Just show another face.
Jeff
It was. Would be. Imagine, like, the face a cartoon character would make if it got punched in the stomach. Really hard is the face.
Reshma
And it's just one more, Jeff.
Jen
One more, Jeff.
Reshma
Come on, come on, come on.
Melissa
One more face.
Jeff
I'm not your cavalier horse.
Bert
Women. You gotta spare these guys their reputation around town, because by the time it gets to somebody, he's legitimately gonna sleep with. It's a sideshow. It's a sideshow.
Jen
Respectful when they talk about women, too.
Jeff
And you know what the worst part about it is? I know the dude they were talking about.
Bert
Oh, no.
Jeff
The Birch show.
Bert
It's the Birch show. I want to see if we can get you guys on the phone, because Jeff was just talking about this poor guy. And I think most women have a former lover in their past that was so bad that he has earned a nickname. You know, in this case, this guy's gonna be the stabber for the rest
Jeff
of his life among this group of girls because of his emotion, his technique during the. During sex. He's the stabber.
Bert
He's the stabber. That's how she'll refer to him because she tells the story to all of her friends, and somebody in the group nicknames him the Stabber. And whenever his real name comes up or whenever he comes up again, they'll refer to him as the Stabber. And everybody knows who he is. So give us a call right now. We don't want to know the history behind and or the technique. We just want to know the nickname, and then I think we'll be able to figure out exactly what he was doing wrong. 404-741. Q100 Melissa accidentally sort of told us about one of them earlier this morning.
Jen
Well, there was this guy when I dated guys. There's this one guy who, when we met out. It was. Well, it was one time, I got to say. And it was just. He was a slobber dude. I don't know what to call him. Because he's Slurpee. Slurpee. Because he's Slurpee. His saliva would come out of his mouth everywhere he pressed his lips. So it was on my neck, my ear, my mouth. It was so. I mean, it would come up amongst Melissa's girlfriends. Every time they go to a 7 11. They'd be like, hey, Melissa, you want to slurping? So, yeah, slurping.
Jeff
God, it's tough.
Bert
This can work for guys, too, with women, because we do the same thing. So
Jeff
what do you got?
Jen
Come on.
Bert
I. I know the technique, but I don't know the proper nickname that I would give her.
Jeff
See, I don't. I don't think I've ever done this as a guy.
Bert
Maybe the jackhammer. Oh, yeah, you just got. Yeah. The roadrunner. I don't know.
Jeff
It's conversation we were having off the air. We could have the wet back.
Jen
Yeah, yeah. Wet back.
Bert
All right. Don't tell us what it was all about, Mike. Just tell us the nickname that you use for the really bad ex lover.
Reshma
It wasn't my ex lover. I actually had a friend in New Hampshire who was a girl, but she nicknamed her ex boyfriend Chewy.
Bert
Thank you, sir. That's all we need from you. Thank you.
Jeff
They could go in a couple different directions.
Jen
Yeah.
Bert
404, 741.
Jeff
None of them good.
Jen
Did one of your friends brought in a motorboat?
Bert
Yes.
Jen
He could have been the motorboat.
Bert
It wasn't one of my friends, but one of my dudes in Texas swore that was the greatest maneuver ever. Alfie. And he was the motorboater. I remember, like, sitting around going, if you really want. He's saying, if you really want to satisfy Stacy, this is the way you do it. Making the motorboat sound really. Dude. And I think I probably tried it.
Jeff
Just for the record.
Bert
What is going on?
Jeff
I think this is in the Bible, but you're not supposed to take lovemaking advice from a guy named Alfie.
Bert
Hey, Mimi. Good morning. Hi. Now, just the name. Just the name of the Nick. The really bad ex lover.
Reshma
The Wee man.
Bert
That's easy.
Jen
The Wee man.
Bert
Okay.
Jen
Ouch. I had a friend call a guy Littlefoot.
Bert
Oh, Lynn. Hey, Lynn.
Reshma
Hello. Hello.
Bert
Good morning.
Reshma
Good morning. We called Him. The jackhammer.
Bert
Yeah, that one can go both ways. 404-741. Q100. Hey, Nicole. Good morning.
Reshma
Good morning.
Bert
How are you?
Reshma
Good. How are you?
Bert
Great.
Reshma
My friend's nickname for her ex was fp.
Bert
F as in Frank?
Reshma
Correct.
Bert
Fp. We're gonna need a little more than that.
Reshma
Freak penis.
Bert
Freak what?
Reshma
Freak penis.
Jeff
Freak penis.
Bert
Did he have one of those things that went up?
Reshma
No. Circumcision.
Jeff
Oh.
Bert
Oh, the aardvark. Yeah, one of my former roommates was the aardvark.
Jeff
Just for the record, no man should have a nickname for a penis.
Jen
Oh, my God, that's hilarious.
Bert
You guys ever seen those ones that bend, like, straight up? Like, they go, like, this way?
Reshma
Nope.
Bert
Me neither. Good morning, Whitney, you're on Q100.
Reshma
Hi.
Bert
Hey.
Reshma
We called him Squishy.
Bert
Squishy.
Melissa
That's not a good one.
Bert
That's not good at all. Terrible.
Reshma
Poor guy.
Jen
Little Squishy Squisherson.
Bert
Hey, Amber. Good morning. You're on the Voice disguiser.
Reshma
Hi. His name was the Choker.
Bert
The Choker.
Reshma
Yes.
Bert
Ooh, that'll freak you out. Okay, thank you.
Reshma
Thanks.
Bert
He needed to be honest. She's still scared of that guy.
Jeff
Well, that could have been him. Maybe he just got something caught in his throat when he started choking.
Bert
The nickname that you still use for your former really bad ex lover.
Reshma
The Plunger.
Bert
Plunger.
Jeff
Oh, that's awesome.
Jen
And it only probably took three.
Melissa
Plunge.
Jen
Plunge.
Reshma
PlunGE.
Bert
Done. And I'm out.
Jen
Pre flush.
Jeff
Pre plunge.
Bert
Good morning, Q100.
Reshma
Yes. Hello.
Bert
Hello.
Jeff
Hello.
Reshma
Yes. The Pig farmer.
Bert
The pig farmer. Was he a pig farmer?
Reshma
He was a pig farmer.
Jeff
Okay, well, that's not really a nickname as much as it is a description.
Bert
The profession, job. Yeah, I called him the Lawyer. Good morning, Q100. Hi.
Reshma
Hi. I had an ex boyfriend that we called the Vampire Pickle Boy.
Bert
The Vampire Pickle.
Jeff
It's a great band name.
Bert
Can anybody. Is anybody drawing a.
Melissa
Is it.
Jen
Oh, I think I know, but I can't tell you on the. You have to turn off our mics.
Bert
Okay, hold on one second. Okay. We'll be right back in one sec.
Reshma
Okay.
Bert
Oh, damn.
Reshma
Aha.
Jen
Is that it?
Bert
Did you hear that?
Reshma
Did I hear what?
Bert
What Jen's guess was on that one? The Vampire Pickle. Okay. Yeah, we'll leave it at that.
Jeff
Jen's obviously dated him also.
Bert
404741. Q100. These are fun.
Jeff
VPB.
Bert
Hey, Pam. Good morning.
Reshma
Hey, how are you? I'm fine.
Bert
All right, the nickname you still use for the former ex lover.
Reshma
Mr. False Start
Jeff
Offsides.
Bert
Rich. Good morning. You're on Q100.
Reshma
Hey, man.
Bert
Hey, what's up?
Reshma
Not much. The X I have, we used to call it a scraper.
Bert
Oh, that's not good. Yeah, that's bad.
Jen
Is that with fingers or.
Bert
No, no, that's with. Yeah, we've talked about that before. Either you're really good at that or you're not good at all. Sorry. Hi, Natasha.
Reshma
Hi.
Bert
Good morning.
Reshma
I have to. One's from one of my exes and one's from a friend, my ex we call Vegas and her ex Chin licker.
Bert
Chin licker. His move was the chin lick.
Reshma
Nasty.
Bert
I need to know this one. So he used to just lick her chin?
Reshma
No, that's just like how he kisses. Like he eats her whole face and her chin.
Jen
That's gnarly. Oh, God, the ch. Chin liquor is hilarious.
Melissa
And you know, that's all they refer
Jen
to him as in her group of friends. Gross. Oh, that's funny. I didn't understand what Vegas was. Chin and liquor and slurp. Your brothers
Bert
here bird show. Listen, it's the vert show. So I have seen the excitement building over the last week between mostly Wendy and Melissa about Halloween costumes.
Jen
Oh, I love Halloween and I love picking out my costume. And normally I don't make my costume, but this year I'm like kind of had to put it all together in different little pieces. So I'm like really amped up for my costume this year.
Bert
I didn't realize that you can't wear the same costume.
Jen
No, Wendy and I were talking about this because I've got three parties this year for Halloween and two of them, Katie and I are set on what our costumes are going to be. But one tomorrow night we're trying to figure out what we're going to wear to the Halloween party at the Biltmore for Jerusalem House. And so. Yeah, but you can't wear. No, I cannot wear what I'm wearing to big Wicked tomorrow night and have pictures taken and then people see it and then it already be no surprise. There's no surprise. A costume is about you walking in the door and people going either laughing or saying that sex whatever result you want. It's walking in the door having that immediately. Exactly.
Jeff
You don't want to be wearing a sexy one and walk in and have
Jen
people laugh and start laughing.
Bert
I've got two questions really to ask, like who is listening right now that has spent the most amount of time pre planning for your wet for your Halloween costume and who has the most. Like, if you're going to four parties, do you get four costumes?
Jen
Yes.
Reshma
Yes.
Bert
Really?
Jen
Yes, Jen. I don't go to that many Halloween parties, and if I do, I'm not dressing up for all of them. I mean, I get excited about Big Wicked and I'll definitely, like, put a ton of, you know, into my costume for that one, but I won't do it for. That's too much to think about for me.
Bert
I know a woman that works in an office, and about two months ago, one of her co workers started growing this thick ass beard out of nowhere. You know, like it just came out of nowhere and everybody in the office was talking about how bad it looked. And she finally called him out on it a couple of days ago and he decided to go as Zachary Galifianakis from the Hangover. And he's been growing that beard now for months. So he thought about it 60 days ago what he was going to be for Halloween. I just don't put that much thought into it, y'.
Reshma
All.
Jen
Well, Halloween this year starts on Wednesday. Like, the parties are starting next week on Wednesday. So people are going out Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night. And you are taking pictures every night. So you don't want to wear the same outfit. You want to. You want a different audience. Because what if you see like one
Reshma
person on Wednesday, but you see the same person on Thursday?
Jen
Didn't you wear that last night?
Jeff
Or in a Twitter, Facebook world, you know, the pictures, you're going to be tagged and you can't be tagged at three different parties and three in the same costume.
Jen
And the worst case scenario is if you wore a party. Because I think that. I mean, you know, I think the parties start this weekend for people who have other plans for Halloween night. And I think that the. Also the issue is if you wore something this weekend and then you went to Big Wicket next weekend and somebody improved upon your costume because they got the idea from you. Right? See? So if you're first to it, then you gotta do something else later. I think you two should tally up how much you spend on Halloween this year.
Bert
It does seem like it's.
Jen
Well, a good costume usually is from things that are not expensive. You know, like I. Cause I'm more like Wendy, where there's very few times that Katie and I will actually buy, purchase a costume. We make all of our costumes and normally it's just something we can throw from something in our closet. So I don't know if expense equates quality when it comes to Halloween, here is Becky.
Bert
You are part of the bird show. Hi.
Reshma
Hey. Yeah, we never pay that much for costumes either. But my son is 6, and back when we took him to see Wolverine X Men Origins, he knew back at the end of April that that was what he was going to be for Halloween.
Bert
Yeah, it's different for kids, too. And they get locked and loaded. Like, once they get an idea in their head there, that's it. You can't suggest anything. There is no veering off script on something like that.
Reshma
And it's so easy. It's a wife beater, tank top, a little leather jacket, and put his hair up in like a little, you know, sticking it straight out on the sides, and we're good to go.
Jen
Well, you got to take some of your eyeliner or whatever, and you got to make them a little
Reshma
ladybug. And I'm gonna be a black widow.
Jen
Nice.
Bert
Okay.
Jen
Nice job done. Yeah. Katie and I decided on our big wicked costumes on Labor Day. So we've known since Labor Day what we're wearing. I knew in the summertime what I wanted to be because I always start planning in June because I get so excited about Halloween.
Bert
No kidding.
Jen
So I knew in June.
Bert
Here is Megan. Good morning. You're on Q100.
Reshma
Good morning.
Bert
Good morning.
Reshma
My brother in law actually started growing out his beard about a month ago because he plans on going as Borat. So he's been growing out his beard. And I actually have to wear two costumes because my son's making me be Batwoman for Halloween.
Jen
Okay.
Reshma
He's Batman. And of course I have a party to go to, so I can't wear that. I have to be sexy. So I have a separate sexy costume for that one. Right?
Jen
You have to. I mean, it's the same as any other. You know, if it's an event where event season, you know, coming up after Halloween where you have a lot of holiday parties, nobody's gonna wear the same outfit. Especially women are not gonna wear the same dresses to the different Christmas parties. They're coming. Same for Halloween.
Bert
You approach it the same way.
Jen
Approach it the exact same way.
Jeff
You know, this is one of the times where I'm so thankful to be a guy bur work his guys will just go as a construction worker to party one, and then the second night be like, I'm a drunk construction worker. I'm a drunk horny construction worker.
Reshma
Wow.
Jeff
Save that.
Bert
It's the Birch Show.
Date: May 5, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Jen, Reshma, Melissa, Jeff
Episode Theme: Real, authentic morning banter with the Bert Show team—covering personal stories, entertaining listener drama, and candid group discussions about relationships, birthdays, cheating, sex nicknames, and Halloween costumes.
This dynamic episode of The Bert Show blends humor, authentic storytelling, and listener interaction. The cast brings listeners into their world with candid stories about 21st birthday adventures, drama around military infidelity, hilariously awkward bedroom nicknames, and the high art of Halloween costume planning. With plenty of laughs and honest talk, the show offers an entertaining escape and heartfelt (if sometimes bold) perspectives on life's wild moments.
Format: Playback of Reshma's progressively tipsy voicemails throughout her birthday night, with commentary from the cast.
Highlights:
Notable Quotes & Moments:
Fun Details:
Timestamps:
Context: Jen reads an email from a listener who discovered her military husband’s affair and questions whether to forgive him or confront the mistress.
In-Studio Reactions: The team discusses the unique pressures and complications of military relationships, debating personal boundaries, infidelity forgiveness, and whether affairs are common or sometimes tacitly tolerated.
Notable Quotes:
Memorable Moments:
Timestamps:
Central Bit: The cast and audience share the nicknames they've assigned to exes (or been given!). Some are hilariously apt, some a little mean, all revealing.
Cast Confessions:
Audience Participation: Callers share their legendary ex nicknames, leading to lots of laughter and recognition.
Notable Quotes & Moments:
Memorable Laughs:
Timestamps:
Theme: The art and pressure of Halloween costuming—especially for women.
Funny Truths:
Notable Quotes:
Listener Input:
Timestamps:
| Segment | Approx. Start-End (MM:SS) | Key Content | |------------------------------- |-------------------------- |------------------------------------------------- | | Reshma’s Birthday Voicemails | 01:30–13:13 | Voicemail playback, party recap, hangover fallout| | Military Affair Discussion | 15:40–28:25 | Listener email, calls, military spouse issues | | Sex Nicknames & Gossip | 29:07–44:36 | Nicknames for exes, audience calls, funny bits | | Halloween Costume Planning | 44:16–48:37 | Costume stress, planning, social media pressures |
Even as they navigate embarrassing stories and challenging topics, the Bert Show crew brings humor, empathy, and realness. Whether celebrating a milestone, reckoning with infidelity, or inventing the next infamous ex nickname, their candor and camaraderie make for an engaging, laugh-out-loud listen.
For More:
Visit thebertshow.com to interact or catch future episodes.
Note: All timestamps are approximate and may shift slightly depending on podcast platform and playback.