Transcript

Adam Grant (0:01)

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Birch Show Host (1:53)

The Birch Show.

Burt Show Host (2:00)

I didn't watch two minutes Olympics. Like I kind of like fell off the table after Ryan Levier.

Burt Show Co-host or Guest (2:05)

No, I will watch it. I don't care. Whatever's on, I will, you know, take a look at it. So this weekend, the only time that I felt like, oh, I had to turn was I couldn't quite get into the cross country skiing, you know, because it Wasn't quite thrilling. But, yeah, the. Whatever else is going on, I'll watch it. So I watched a little bit that.

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, November 4 [Vault]

Originally aired: November 4, 2025
Hosted by Bert, with Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & Cast

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show blends silly banter, listener drama, pop culture, and some classic morning show antics. From poking fun at awkward sports coverage to tackling deeply relatable relationship dilemmas (with help from their signature "child psychologist" segment), the crew keeps the energy high. Two especially memorable themes emerge:

Dealing with shortcomings—memory loss and sexual incompatibility—in hilarious, candid ways
The simple wisdom of kids solving complex adult relationship issues

1. Winter Olympics: Montages, Mishaps, and Mockery

[02:00–04:27]

Key Points

The cast discusses their waning interest in the Winter Olympics, joking about the growing resemblance between the Olympics and the X Games, especially with new events like snowboard cross.
They riff on NBC's heavy-handed athlete montages, poking fun at the cliché shots of athletes looking pensively at trophies and out the window.

Memorable Quotes

Birch Show Host [03:49]: “What this is what has been. But Michelle Kwan asks herself what could be.”
Burt Show Host [04:11]: “These montages are all basically stories of overcoming insurmountable odds to be where they are today.”

2. "Gold Medal" Memory Loss: Bert’s Forgetfulness Gets the Montage Treatment

[04:27–08:45]

Key Points

In a parody segment styled as an inspirational Olympic montage, the cast (with guest narration) highlights host Bert's legendary short-term memory struggles.
Interns and co-hosts share stories about Bert’s repeated introductions and interview blunders.
Bert tries (and hilariously fails) a year-long wager to remember a random number.

Timestamps and Quotes

Adam Grant (Narrating) [04:27]: “Bert Weiss, gold medal memory problems. ... each day is a gold medal in short term memory loss.”
Birch Show Host [06:58]: “What number, Burt Weiss, on December 16, 2004, were you requested to remember for $400?”
- Burt Show Host: “I’m gonna go with the number 21.”
- [Plays audio] Past Bert: "48."
Burt Show Host [08:24]: "Every time, dude. ... I spend more time in my day trying to actually figure out where I parked my car than I did in the actual meeting I just got out of."

3. NASCAR Trivia & Friendly Hazing

[08:45–20:19]

Key Points

Listener Katie Jo, a self-described big NASCAR fan, is quizzed on 10 challenging NASCAR trivia questions—with the results bearing comedic consequences for Melissa, another cast member.
Missed answers add time to Melissa’s punishment: a future four-minute monologue/standup.

Notable Moments

Katie Jo’s struggle with the trivia, missing most questions except the most expensive one, frustrates and entertains the team.
The cast turns 30 seconds of silence into uncomfortable radio gold to illustrate how long four minutes will feel.

Quotes

Birch Show Host [13:36]: “Let the record show, Katie Jo got the question about testicles wrong.”
Burt Show Co-host [15:44]: “You nailed it. $10 million. You got it.”
Burt Show Host [19:19]: “Four minutes of stand up comedy tomorrow.”
Burt Show Co-host [20:13]: "Oh, you don't feel bad? Oh, yeah. Four minutes. Tomorrow I'll do it."

4. Can a Relationship Work Without Good Sex?

[22:11–35:55]

Key Points

A segment inspired by intern Alexis’ friend: “Can you have a good relationship if the sex is terrible?”
Both the hosts and listeners (including a caller disguised as "Stephanie") share, sometimes painfully honestly, their perspectives and personal experiences.
Arguments center around whether sexual incompatibility undermines a relationship in the long term, the importance of communication/coaching, and accepting limitations.

Notable Callers & Quotes

Stephanie (voice disguised) [29:38]: “I've been married to the same man for 15 years. And the sex has sucked for 15 years. And it's hard to fake it. You can only stare up at the ceiling and pretend it's Mel Gibson so often.”
Birch Show Host [34:44]: "That's sad. I'm sad for you. ... That sucks. I'm sorry."
The segment ends with the hosts reflecting on whether sexual skill is innate or can be coached, and whether it's healthy to accept bad sex long-term.

5. Jacob, the 11-Year-Old Psychologist: The Wisdom of Simplicity

[38:42–52:41]

Key Points

“Jacob”—formerly a Bert’s Big Adventure participant—returns to give advice as a child psychologist to listeners' tough relationship questions.
Jacob tackles issues like infidelity, non-committal partners, constant arguing, and even complicated crushes with a direct, no-nonsense approach that often boils down to: Don’t force what isn’t working. Go with the flow.

Timestamps and Cases

Cheating Husband [41:20]:
- Jacob’s advice: “Just go with the flow, man. Just do what you have to do.” [44:07]
Non-Committal Partner [44:31]:
- Jacob: “If he doesn’t want to go through with anything, just don’t go through it with him.” [45:21]
Arguing Couple [45:54]:
- Jacob: “If you’re with somebody you don’t like, then don’t be with somebody you don’t like.” [47:47]
- And, with signature simplicity: “If you still want to stay with him, just call it a fox dog.” [47:55]
Caller Engaged But Attracted to Fiance’s Friend [48:16]:
- Jacob: “Go with the one with the most chemistry, just go with. Because you don’t want to be with somebody ... you don’t like anymore.” [49:44]
Older Partner Growing Distant [50:38]:
- Jacob: “If he doesn’t want to be in something, don’t make him ... I think you should confront him about it.” [51:20]

Quotes

Co-host [52:25]: “If this show has taught me anything, it’s that puberty has made us stupid.”

6. Tone & Vibe

Playful, candid, and irreverent: The show roasts itself as much as anyone else. There’s mutual ribbing, self-deprecation (especially around Bert’s memory and the team’s pop culture gaps), but also genuine moments of empathy for struggling callers.
Heartfelt real talk: Especially around topics like relationship satisfaction, the cast isn’t afraid to go deep but keeps emotional honesty wrapped in humor.

7. Standout Quotes (with Timestamps)

[05:02] Burt Show Host: “Most days I really spend just kind of like walking from room to room trying to figure out what I'm in the process of doing because I can't remember what time.”
[29:38] Stephanie (caller, voice disguised): “I've been married to the same man for 15 years. And the sex has sucked for 15 years. ... You can only stare up at the ceiling and pretend it's Mel Gibson so often.”
[47:55] Jacob: “If you still want to stay with him, just call it a fox dog.”
[52:25] Burt Show Co-host: “If this show has taught me anything is that puberty has made us stupid.”

8. Key Takeaways

Memory woes can be comedic gold—and a relatable human struggle.
Communication is vital, but sex really does matter in most long-term relationships.
Kids’ logic brings refreshing clarity to adult problems—often, “go with the flow” is wiser than overthinking.
Honest conversations, even when awkward or painful, are the only way through tough relationship situations.

Notable Timestamps for Segments

Winter Olympics & Athlete Montages: [02:00–04:27]
Bert’s “Gold Medal Memory Loss:” [04:27–08:45]
NASCAR Trivia Challenge: [08:45–20:19]
Relationship Advice: Sex & Compatibility: [22:11–35:55]
Jacob, 11-yo Child Psychologist: [38:42–52:41]

Final Thoughts

Whether lampooning their own foibles or gamely tackling real listener problems, the Bert Show delivers empathy, laughs, and unfiltered honesty—a blend that’s equal parts escapist and relevant for any listener facing a tough morning (or year).