Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, October 28 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, October 28 [Vault]

Date: October 28, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Main Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and others

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Episode Overview

This episode captures The Bert Show’s signature blend of humor, authentic conversations, listener drama, and real-life stories. True to the show’s character, the cast dives into relationship controversies, miscommunications, personal insecurities, and classic prank calls, all while encouraging honest dialogue and giving listeners a much-needed morning escape.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. War of the Roses: Relationship Turmoil on Air

[02:14–09:32]

• Premise: Classic segment “War of the Roses” where a partner suspects infidelity and the show intervenes.
• Action: Reid is offered "free roses" as a test. He sends them to his wife, Laura, but underlying trust issues erupt live on air.
• Conflict: Laura confronts Reid about a business trip with another woman, Heather, accusing him of lying and raising doubts due to his past infidelity.
• Key Quotes:
  • Laura: “Who’s Heather, Reid?” [04:13]
  • Reid: “This is not a woman I’d be attracted to if I was gonna do it with. If I was gonna be tempted by somebody, it wouldn’t be her.” [08:59]
  • Laura (furious): “I want you to come and get your today and get out of my house.” [09:11]
• Notable Moments:
  • Reid’s logic that “the mere fact that I exist on the same planet with other women is a problem for her.” [07:09]
  • Laura's pointed response about truth and trust: “If you’re truthful, you can never get in trouble.” [07:33]
  • Bert’s reflection: “I think once you cheat once, man, I don’t know that you can ever get that trust back.” [09:43–09:46]

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2. Misread Signals: When a Date Isn’t a Date

[09:49–14:08]

• Premise: A woman, Jessica, is convinced she went on a date; Ken, the man in question, insists it was just a business meeting—with his wife and daughter present.
• Details: Jessica recounts a social gathering leading to a movie and drinks. Ken clarifies his wife and daughter were involved, and that the meeting was strictly about her networking seminars.
• Key Exchanges:
  • Ken (bewildered): “We didn’t go on a date.” [10:27]
  • Jessica: “You offered to pick me up.” [12:21]
  • Ken: “My daughter and her two friends were there.” [12:07]
  • Jessica (defeated): “Yeah. I mean, obviously, we got our signals crossed.” [13:23]
  • Caller: “She played herself with a capital P. What in the world do you think?” [14:23]
• Memorable Moment: The segment ends with both bemusement and embarrassment for Jessica, as callers express sympathy and secondhand embarrassment.

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3. Bert’s Body Hair Insecurity & Mishaps

[15:10–22:16]

• Premise: Bert gets candid about his embarrassment over his arm hair and details his failed attempts to remove it using Nair.
• Highlights:
  • Bert: “I am an ape. And it’s gotten worse over the last couple years... I’m just automatically assuming if I have a short sleeve shirt on and people see my hairy arms, they’re assuming, like Jeff just said, I’ve got hair all over my body like that.” [15:32–16:40]
  • Co-host, mocking: “We actually contemplated doing a contest on the Internet. Is it Bert’s arm or a paw?” [16:04]
  • The saga of misusing Nair (“do not rub in!”), the stinging pain, and shaving only one arm leads to a hilarious in-studio “reveal.”
  • Bert: “My left arm is now beautifully shaven. And my right arm is still the old Bert arm. And that’s why I have the sweater on today.” [21:40]
  • Co-host: “You lost about three pounds.” [22:11]
  • Studio erupts laughing at the before/after arm comparison.

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4. Classic Phone Scams – Prank Call Highlights

[22:20–31:42]

a) Adjustable Bed Prank
[22:20–27:07]

• Summary: Caller claims to be trapped and folded up in his adjustable bed, escalating the absurdity for an increasingly flustered customer service rep.
• Key Quotes:
  • Prankster: “I’m trapped inside my adjustable bed. It’s folded up around me.” [23:08]
  • “I’m folded up inside here like I’m in a womb.” [23:37]
  • “My knees on either side of my ears.” [25:22]
  • The prank is revealed: “Your phone scammed!” [26:43]

b) Novocaine Disaster Prank
[27:33–31:42]

• Summary: Caller alleges his novocaine hasn’t worn off for days following a dental procedure, feigning increasing numbness and confusion.
• Notable Moments:
  • “And my arm... and my hand is numb on my right side. And my lips are numb. And I’m numb.” [28:03]
  • “What’s the number?” “911.” [31:08–31:10]
  • Prankster reveals the ruse: “Your sister Betsy just phone scammed you.” [31:25]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Laura calls out Reid’s trust issues:
  • "Am I going to have to go through this again with you?" — Laura [04:35]
• Bert on trust after cheating:
  • “I don’t know that you can ever get that trust back.” [09:46]
• Jessica’s confusion over a ‘date’:
  • “Still a date?” — Jessica [10:52]
• Ken sets reality straight:
  • “My wife was standing right there with me.” [10:59]
• Caller reflects on miscommunication:
  • “She needs some friends. I mean, she’s probably sitting at home alone. She’s lonely. So embarrassing.” [14:23]
• Bert’s epic body hair reveal:
  • “My left arm is now beautifully shaven. And my right arm is still the old Bert arm.” [21:40]
• Prank call iconic line:
  • “I want you to get me out of this floating mattress of death.” [25:52]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• War of the Roses – Cheating confrontation: [02:14–09:32]
• Is It a Date? – Jessica and Ken’s miscommunication: [09:49–14:08]
• Listener Call-ins – Reactions to Jessica/Ken: [14:13–15:04]
• Bert’s Body Hair/Nair Fiasco: [15:10–22:16]
• Phone Scam – Adjustable Bed: [22:20–27:07]
• Phone Scam – Novocaine Numbness: [27:33–31:42]

---

Overall Tone & Language

The episode maintains a light-hearted, conversational, and sometimes irreverent tone. Panelists tease one another but are always inviting. Even discussions of heavy relationship drama are balanced with good humor and empathy for the guests and listeners.

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Quick Recap

• Relationships Explored: The “War of the Roses” segment exposed complex trust dynamics, culminating in on-air fireworks and iconic advice about honesty.
• Social Mishaps: Confusion over social cues is dissected when a ‘date’ turns out to be a business meeting—with plenty of cringe and empathy.
• Personal Insecurities: The cast is not afraid to laugh at themselves, as Bert’s body hair drama brings relatable vulnerability and hilarity.
• Classic Pranks: Phone scams add a playful, mischievous energy, delivering both suspense and side-splitting laughter.

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This episode is perfect for listeners who love honest, unscripted morning radio packed with laughs, relationship drama, and unforgettable personalities.

Transcript

[A]

Morning Zoe. Got donuts.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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[F]

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[G]

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[C]

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[A]

So what are we having for lunch?

[B]

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[C]

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[E]

Mobile.Com.

[D]

So the other day I was in this group chat. Of course the topic turned to weight loss medications because it kind of seems like everybody's on one. One friend is already on one, another is researching every option on Tick tock and someone else was like I don't even know where to start. It feels like everybody is talking about it right now, but nobody really knows if it's right for them. That's why hers can be a great option for you because they take all the confusion out of it. You connect with a real medical provider who helps you figure out what's actually best for your body and your goals without the guesswork. If it's prescribed, you'll get medication as a part of a doctor develop developed weight loss program with ongoing check ins, dosage adjustments and 24. 7 online support. They've got affordable options from oral medication kits to GLP1 injectables starting at 69amonth. So if you've been trying to figure out what works for you, it might be time to check out hers. Whether you want to lose weight, grow thicker, fuller hair, or find relief for anxiety, hers has you covered. Visit for hers.combert to get a personalized affordable plan that gets you that's F O R h e r s.com Bert for hers.com Bert weight loss by hers is not available everywhere. Compounded drug products are not approved or evaluated for safety, effectiveness or quality by the fda. Prescription required. See website for full details, important safety information and restrictions. Actual price depends on product and plan purchased.

[F]

The Birch Show.

[C]

When we do these, War of the Roses and a woman finally catches her man cheating. Generally, we can break them up within about a minute. This one was the War of the Roses that just would not stop.

[G]

Hello.

[B]

Is Reid in, please?

[G]

Yeah, speaking.

[B]

Reid, hi, this is Lindsey from My Mama's Mums. How are you?

[G]

Good.

[E]

Great.

[B]

Actually, Reid, we are a new shop in the area, and as a promotional offer, we're sending people free flowers. Are you interested? And actually sending somebody free roses?

[G]

There's no catch.

[B]

No, no catch at all. Like I said, we're a new shop in the area, and we're just trying to get our name out there, and we're giving flowers out in hopes that maybe one day you might come back and do business with us.

[G]

Yeah, if my name's not gonna get stuck on a mailing list or something.

[D]

Sure.

[G]

I'd love to send some flowers.

[B]

Wonderful. Reid. Okay, first I need to fill out a card.

[G]

Okay.

[B]

Who would you like to send your flowers to?

[G]

Well, to my wife.

[B]

Okay. Your wife.

[C]

Great.

[G]

I guess I'd be in trouble if it wasn't.

[B]

And what would you like the card to say?

[G]

Just say sweetheart. Or address it. Sweetheart, say, always in my heart, sweetheart.

[B]

Always in my heart.

[G]

Love, Reid.

[B]

Oh, your sweetheart.

[C]

Reed. Yeah, this is bert calling from Q100.

[E]

Hey, Bert.

[C]

And the good news is that you just sent the roses back to your wife, and she's on the line listening right now.

[G]

Oh, my God.

[C]

But she has a little bit of a question for you.

[G]

Yeah. Hi, honey.

[E]

Hi.

[C]

You went on a business trip recently.

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

She's found out through the grapevine that perhaps you went with another woman on this business trip.

[E]

I know you went with another woman. I know. Not perhaps. I think I know.

[G]

Well, I.

[E]

Who's Heather Reed?

[G]

Honey, can we talk? This isn't. This isn't really the time, Laura.

[E]

This is the perfect time.

[C]

Laura, who is Heather?

[E]

Heather is who? Michael's wife told me that you went on the business trip with.

[G]

Honey, can we talk about this later?

[E]

No, honey, we can talk about this now. I want to know now.

[G]

Why do you want to.

[E]

Am I going to have to go through this again with you?

[G]

No, wait a minute. It's not like that. We.

[E]

Like. You did go with someone.

[G]

Honey, we're on the radio. Can.

[E]

We did go with someone. You told me you went with no one.

[G]

Call me at the office. All Right.

[E]

I'm calling you now. I'm calling you now. You have to tell the truth. You're on the radio with all these people listening. Tell me that.

[G]

Why would you. Why would you want it?

[C]

She just wants. She wants to know why you're not being honest with her about.

[G]

I just don't think this is.

[E]

If there's nothing. If there's nothing going on, then you have nothing to worry about.

[G]

No, I don't. I don't. Okay. Okay. I don't have anything to worry about, honey. And I just was saying that I don't think this is the best place to talk about it, but if you're going to. You're going to.

[E]

I'm going to.

[G]

Of course not. Of course I have nothing to worry about.

[E]

Well, who's Heather? And why didn't you tell me about her?

[G]

Why didn't I tell you? This is exactly the reason I didn't tell you because you'd be accusatory and you wouldn't believe it. I know that you're worried because of what happened before, and I don't think that you're going to give me a fair shake in this.

[E]

Well, if there was nothing going on, then you would have had nothing to hide and you could have just pawed me.

[G]

Just that, you know, that's the way women think. But that's not.

[E]

Oh, no, we're not gonna do this. Did you guys say foot up the ass? He just got a foot up the ass.

[C]

Hey, Reid.

[G]

What? Yes.

[C]

So when you're thinking, since there's nothing going on between you and Heather right now, why make a big stink out of it and tell your wife that you're going with another woman?

[G]

Exactly. And that's all I meant is that, Is that as guys we know that the woman is automatically going to assume the worst. And if I know that nothing's happening, it would seem to me why bother mentioning it and borrowing trouble here?

[C]

Can you understand the history that the two of you have together? Why she might.

[G]

Yes, I do. Yes, I, I.

[E]

That would give you the reason to sit down with me and talk to me about this and explain it to me, and then I would have nothing.

[G]

I'm sorry, honey. I just thought you were gonna. You would go through the roof.

[E]

Obviously thought wrong, as usual.

[G]

Honey. Not.

[E]

Not on the phone.

[G]

Not on the phone.

[E]

Well, it'll be in a courtroom next, so what's the big deal if it's on the phone?

[G]

Look, this. This is nothing. Nothing happened, nothing did. Nothing. I'm not even. This is nothing.

[E]

Happened. That's what you said the first time. Nothing happened.

[G]

See, this is exactly my point. You go to past history and you assume that it's all the same. This is a woman. I'm not even attracted. She's not even an attractive woman.

[C]

But, Reid, do you see? Can you see that if you would have just brought it up and told Laura and you guys went through the confrontation that she would trust you more?

[G]

I. Probably. Probably so. Probably so. But believe me, if you'd been through what happened two and a half years ago, in my shoes, you'd be afraid to ever bring up. I mean, the mere fact that I exist on the same planet with other women is a problem for her.

[E]

Please. That's not true. That is not true.

[G]

This is not the voice of a jealous woman. Of a woman who's a little bit over the edge on that subject. Hello. It's been two and a half years. How long do I have to try to prove myself? How long is it going to be a whole lifetime here? Am I going to be paying for that truth?

[E]

That's what you have to prove.

[H]

Truth.

[E]

If you're truthful, you can never get in trouble.

[G]

Okay, okay.

[H]

Okay.

[G]

So you're saying if I had told you that. That she was going on this business trip with me, you would have had no problem with it?

[E]

Maybe. I would have had a problem with it.

[H]

Maybe.

[G]

Of course you would have. Of course you would have had a problem with it.

[E]

Now it's a lie. Oh, yeah, now it's a lie.

[G]

Is it just going to start all over again? Look, I'm trying to be understanding, but the thing is, I'm straddling a very thin line here. If I tell you, I'm screwed. If I don't tell you, I'm screwed.

[E]

You should have told me. So now you're screwed. You're right. You're totally screwed.

[C]

All right, you guys, you know what? This is plenty. This is real. This is totally plenty. Why don't you guys talk about this.

[G]

Off the air like we should have to begin with?

[C]

Well, you know, Reid, I'm ask you the same question that I asked Laura once. Something like what happened to you guys two years ago? Do you ever feel like you could truly be trusted again? Because she.

[G]

You know, I feel that what I did was wrong, but I also feel that you. That I have. I have not only been impeccable, and I'm not looking for a medal because I haven't cheated on her again, but I have been. I made reparations in every way possible. I've been. Wouldn't you agree, honey, that I have been. I have been like a Boy Scout for almost three years now.

[E]

Yeah, but the truth is, like, it's an effort.

[G]

No, I'm just. No, I'm just saying that I have tried to work my way back into your good graces, and I really feel like. I mean, this woman.

[E]

This.

[G]

This woman is that she's a. She's an overweight woman.

[B]

You gotta be careful with what you say.

[G]

That. This is not a woman I'd be attracted to if I was gonna do it with. If I was gonna be tempted by somebody, it wouldn't be her. There'd be half a dozen other women at the office, but it wouldn't be.

[E]

Oh, read that.

[B]

You just dug yourself even deeper.

[G]

No, no, that's not what I'm trying to.

[B]

Wait.

[E]

Maybe you need to take this. I am getting so much from this divorce. I want you to come and get your today and get out of my house.

[G]

You are being ridiculous.

[E]

I am not.

[G]

You are so going over.

[C]

Guys, Yo. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm gonna put you guys both on hold right now, and you guys can discuss this off there.

[G]

You can cancel the roses, I guess.

[E]

Thanks for the flowers.

[C]

Hold on one second, you guys. Okay?

[G]

Cheer. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. I would not like to be in that family.

[C]

I think once you cheat once, man.

[B]

Right now, I don't know that you.

[C]

Can ever get that trust back.

[B]

I gotta agree.

[F]

The Birch Show.

[C]

This poor woman took so much heat because she had absolutely no idea what was going on. She thought she was on a date. Problem is, the guy that she was out with didn't think it was a date at all.

[H]

Who?

[C]

Hi, Ken.

[H]

Yes.

[C]

Hi. This is the Birch show at Q100 calling you. We're on the air right now. How you doing, man?

[G]

Good.

[F]

How are you?

[C]

Hey, dude. We have Jessica on the phone with us. Jessica, you want to say hey?

[E]

Hi, Ken.

[H]

Hi. Hi, Jess.

[C]

Hey, Ken, we've got a bit of a question for you because Jessica's a little miffed. You know, she was telling us that she went out with you. What was it, last week, and she had a really great time on your date, enjoyed the movie with you, enjoyed going out and getting a little drinky drink afterwards. Well, now she can't figure out why you haven't called her back for a second date.

[H]

Oh, my gosh. We didn't go on a date. What do you know? We didn't go on a date.

[C]

How can there be confusion about that?

[F]

Yeah, you guys Met at a party. She asked you out?

[H]

I met at a party with my. My wife was at the party also.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[H]

Yeah.

[F]

Did you go to a movie with her?

[H]

Yeah, with my. My daughter and her two friends.

[C]

Oh, this. This changes things.

[E]

Still a date?

[H]

It's not. It wasn't a date. She coaches people on how to network. I work in sales.

[G]

Basically.

[H]

We met at the party. My wife was at the party, and she was telling me all these seminars that she does, and I was like, well, this sounds great. That sounds like something I could use. She's telling me how she charges thousands and thousands of dollars to do these seminars. So I'm like, well, you know, looking into it and talking to her. My wife was standing right there with me. She says, listen, I would love to just get together and just, you know, just show you some different things that, you know, we could do that you could probably use. No charge. So me being. And me being interested, of course. Just what I do. I said, listen, sounds great. You know, I was talking to my wife about going to the movies. She said, listen, why don't I come along? She invited herself along to go see Panic Room. So my wife was there. I was like, well, that sounds fine. Let's do that. You know, my daughter will be there. Two friends will come. We ended up going to the movie, watching the movie. After the movie, we went to, like, the mall. My kid and her two friends were actually going shopping around. We went to a little place in the food court there, had a couple of drinks, and we talked about it.

[C]

Oh, this changed.

[E]

Movie with a woman he's not interested in.

[C]

Well, wait a second now, Jessica. You knew he was.

[E]

Why did you invite me to the movie?

[H]

Because I thought we were gonna talk. We talked about what you did, and it was helping me. And that's the whole reason why I even paid for you, because it was just a common courtesy of you just telling me everything about what you do. My. My daughter and her two friends were there.

[C]

How old are your. Is your daughter?

[E]

My daughter's 13 years old. You offered to pick me up.

[H]

Yeah, of course I did. I figured that you were cutting me this great deal. Why shouldn't I come and pick you up with my daughter and two and her friends?

[C]

You obviously knew he was married.

[E]

Yeah, but he was still flirting with.

[H]

Me at the party. Oh, my gosh.

[C]

And when he showed. Was it a surprise to you when he showed up with his two kids?

[E]

No. I thought, you know, sometimes when you go on a date with someone, they want you to meet Their kids.

[H]

Obviously, there's something wrong with this woman. Then she listens to this. Then she leaves me two messages. Why haven't you called me? My wife heard the messages. She knows everything about it.

[E]

He was also sitting very close to me in the movie, in the next seat.

[H]

My daughter was afraid of the movie. She was practically in my lap.

[E]

Yeah, and so was I. Oh, my gosh.

[H]

You are crazy.

[C]

Jessica, can you sort of see how this could be so seen as kind of more of a business thing than an actual date?

[E]

Yeah. I mean, obviously, we got our signals crossed.

[H]

Well, where did you go wrong in that? Like when I introduced you to my wife or to my daughter?

[F]

Or did you get any signals like this, Ken, while you were on the date, that she might be thinking that more's going on?

[H]

I was not. I personally wasn't even in this range.

[C]

Of thinking, hey, Jessica, did it ever dawn on you that he was only talking about work and nothing else going really on in his life?

[E]

Well, I think he was doing that because, you know, he was nervous. He's probably anxious.

[H]

He's a nervous. Married for a while.

[E]

On a date.

[C]

Oh, wow. Talk about miscommunication. Yeah.

[H]

Yeah.

[E]

Can I go?

[C]

Sure.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Sure.

[E]

Thank you. All right.

[C]

Bye, both of you guys.

[H]

Thanks.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[F]

That's my favorite one ever, I think.

[C]

Are you kidding me? Good morning, Q100.

[E]

Hi.

[C]

Hi.

[E]

Jessica is just crazy.

[H]

I don't know how she misunderstood it.

[E]

Y' all need to keep this for the file.

[C]

Thank you.

[E]

All right.

[F]

Bye.

[E]

Bye.

[C]

Morning, Q100.

[E]

Hello. Hello. My name's Cicely, and I have to say, she should have hung up the phone because I'm embarrassed for her. I am embarrassed for this woman. She played herself with a capital P. What in the world do you think? Come on, don't play yourself. If I was her friend, I'm like, listen, he don't want you. She needs some friends. I mean, she's probably sitting at home alone. She's lonely. So embarrassing.

[C]

I think maybe sometimes you just see and hear things that you want to see and you want to hear, and you don't take any kind of common sense in. In a play, you know?

[E]

I think. I think you're right.

[C]

See you Sicily by now.

[E]

Okay. Bye. Bye.

[C]

Morning. Hi, Q100.

[G]

This woman smoked too much crack.

[C]

The bird show. Call me insecure or call me whatever you want, but I absolutely hate my own body hair. So I decided to do something about it. I have a tremendous amount of hair on my arms, okay? And the thing is, it cuts off right at about what is supposed to be my bicep.

[B]

And there's no hair after and after that.

[C]

But if you look at me in a short sleeve shirt, I mean, I am an. I'm an ape. And it's gotten worse over the last couple years. As I'm getting older, I'm getting hairier on my arms. It's not growing really anywhere else badly except on my arms. It's really embarrassing.

[F]

You've got to understand those of you who have never met Burt in person. He has got the average amount of body hair is most four legged animals.

[C]

No, that's not true.

[F]

That's not true on his arms.

[C]

It's not true on my arms. And that's the point I'm trying to make, is that it's on my arms, because the rest of me, I think, is fairly normal.

[F]

We actually contemplated doing a contest on the Internet. Is it Burt's arm or a paw?

[C]

My arms have not completely evolved yet. You know, when you see that evolution chart, I'm about the third ape on.

[F]

My arms going in next month to have his dew cloth removed.

[C]

Now, for those of you and also in the studio, Bert comes in every morning. He usually has a T shirt on and a sweater over. He takes a sweater off, right, Because I get hot. And he wears a T shirt all. Now, today, he still had a sweater on, and I wondered about that. Okay, now I gotta, I, I gotta give you a couple of, of other pieces of information. Oh, no.

[E]

All right.

[C]

So in light of me already being insecure about the hair on my arms, because I'm just automatically assuming if I have a short sleeve shirt on and people see my hairy arms, they're assuming, like Jeff just said, I've got hair all over my body like that. And honestly, I know it sounds insecure. I don't want people to think that.

[F]

Donna Fraggle Rock.

[B]

I want people to think that you have a hair back and stuff.

[C]

I don't, but I don't.

[D]

I really don't.

[E]

I know you don't.

[C]

So Mark down the hall is also shares my hair, you know, affinity. He's got hair. He's hairy all over, though. I think he's got way more hair on his legs. Way more hair on his arms.

[B]

He has it coming out of the back of his collar.

[C]

While he was doing a shift the other day, somebody dropped off some Nair for men for this guy, and he put a little S into his arm and his leg to see if it would work. And it did. And he brought it in here to show me. And I thought it looked great.

[F]

Now, you have to understand, the day before, a day or two prior, for whatever reason, when you work at a radio station, things turn up, like, you know, because people like to drop stuff off. And it's a great marketing tool. If you have stuff that you want to talked about on the radio, drops them off because there's a chance. For example, there's a restaurant right next door now setting out food for us. And, you know, they're going to hope that we're going to taste the food and then sometime before the end of the show, thank them for bringing it in. It's a nice plug. So things turn up at radio stations. So like three days ago, Nair started appearing.

[C]

Nair for Men.

[F]

Nair for Men. The hair remover just started appearing. Right.

[B]

It was just sitting on tables in everywhere.

[C]

It's everywhere.

[F]

Bizarre. So we're in the. We're in the conference room. Bert and I are having the meeting after the Monday meeting. And he sees it and he looks at the bottle. And while we're meeting, he squirts them off onto his hand. He starts rubbing it in like it's a lotion. He's like, wonder if this stuff really works. And then I said, let me see that. He slides the bottle across the table. And I read the instructions. And every step that Burt took to apply the Nair was incorrect.

[E]

It was wrong. But I was gonna say if he.

[C]

Rubbed it in like lotion, that was wrong. That's what I started doing.

[F]

The first thing in bold, capital letters, do not rub in. So Burt panicked and ran out of the room to wash the stuff off his hand. And I thought that was the end of it. And, you know, he took the Nair with him. I thought it ended up in a garbage can or, you know, oh, my God, somewhere else at work. Apparently it didn't.

[C]

But then yesterday we're in another meeting and I whisper over to Jeff, I go, jeff, tonight's Nair night. And he goes, what? And I said, I'm Nairin tonight. Tonight's the night I'm gonna go Nair.

[B]

It's supposed to be rather painful.

[C]

All right, I'm not done with all the details. So Stacey and I decided last night at around 4 o' clock that we were gonna go down to the Virginia Highlands and go to Harry and Sons and have some sushi.

[E]

Harry and Sons.

[C]

Oh, there you go. That's funny. That's a nice tie in. Harry and Sons.

[B]

I'm gonna be sick to my stomach.

[C]

Now, I know that traffic gets really bad here around 6 o', clock, and there's nothing I hate more than traffic. But I just got back from the gym, so I still needed to take a shower, but I wanted to Nair before we took off. Okay? So I go up to the bathroom, and I squirt the bottle in there on my left arm, okay? And I'm wait, because you have to wait four or five minutes for it to dissolve. So I'm waiting, and I'm reading a magazine, and my arm is starting to burn off, and I take a washcloth, and I start to take the hair off.

[F]

Hold on. Hold on one second. I want the picture of Melissa's face when the sweatshirt comes off. We'll take Bert's arm later.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Okay. And I start taking the hair, and it's not coming off, and I start to panic.

[E]

All right?

[C]

And I start rubbing as hard as I can to try to get it off, and the hair of my arm is not coming off. And then I soap it down. And then I read the instructions, and it says, do not rub off and do not rub down. So I run into the shower. You don't know that most of the time, people read directions before they're not.

[F]

If you're a man.

[C]

That is a woman thing there. That is not a man thing.

[F]

Guys, don't.

[C]

So now the clock is ticking, and I really have. And I really want to go get sushi. So I'm thinking, you know what? I'm just going to run into the shower, and I'll shave my arm.

[E]

Are you?

[C]

I will shave my arms before we go out.

[F]

Why is it this important? Why is it so important to you to have the hair off your arms before you eat sushi?

[C]

Because at this point now, because of.

[E]

The nails come off now, I can't.

[B]

Wait to see what it looks like when it grows back.

[F]

I will not eat another spicy tuna roll with one hair on my arm.

[C]

It'll all tie in for you here in a second. But after you put the Nair on, and I completely made a debacle of it, it, like, got really dark and really clumpy and really sticky. So I had to shave both arms before we take off, and it took forever. So now Stacy's starting to yell at me that we're getting late. We're gonna run into all sorts of traffic. Oh, no. So I finally. She comes in, and she helps me get the stuff off the back of my arms, and my left arm is done. And I'm thinking, okay, what I'll do is I'll wear a sweater out to Dinner. And when I come home, I will shave my right arm. And we go out to dinner and we come home and I forget. So I wake up and I go in the shower this morning and I go, ah. Cause my left arm is all clean and my right arm is still like an ape. And I don't have time before coming into work this morning to shave it. So my left arm is now beautifully shaven. And my right arm is still the old Bert arm. And that's why I have it. The sweater on today.

[F]

The sweater needs to come off.

[C]

You want to see it?

[B]

Let's see it.

[F]

Hold on. You got the camera on, Melissa, you're.

[B]

Going to have five o' clock shadow on your.

[C]

Okay, here's old arm.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[C]

There's old arm there. Okay. And here's new arm.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

Look how good that looks. Isn't that awesome? The left arm looks awesome, doesn't it? You lost about three pounds. I know, right?

[E]

It looks so much skinnier.

[C]

It does, doesn't it?

[E]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Oh, my God. The Burt Show.

[F]

This has gotta be the all time most requested phone scam I have ever done. Wherever I go in Atlanta, people come up to me and say, I love your phone scams. Especially the one where the guy gets caught in the adjustable bed. Here it is. Everyone's favorite phone scam. The Craftmatic Adjustable Bed Scam.

[E]

Adjustable beds. This is Lisa. Can I help you? Oh, hello.

[A]

Hello.

[E]

Hi. How can I help you?

[A]

I need customer service.

[E]

This is customer service.

[A]

I am trapped inside my adjustable bed.

[E]

You're what?

[A]

Trapped inside my adjustable bed. It's folded up around me.

[E]

Okay, sir, what state are you calling from?

[A]

I'm calling from a state of disbelief.

[E]

Okay. Where did you buy the bed?

[A]

My son gave it to me.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Hello?

[E]

Are you okay?

[A]

I mean, I'm folded up inside here like I'm in a womb.

[E]

Well, can you open it up?

[A]

No, if I could open it up, I wouldn't be on the phone with you.

[E]

Okay, let me see if I can get my technician to help me. I.

[A]

Hurry up. It's awfully warm.

[E]

Okay, I'm sorry. I've never gotten a call like this before. Hold on. Hold on a second. John, I've got this man who's stuck.

[A]

Hello?

[E]

I don't know what to do. Can you talk to.

[F]

Hey.

[E]

Yes, sir.

[A]

I'm still in the bed.

[E]

Yeah, I'm trying to get my technician on the phone for you. I'm kind of explaining to him your situation and we're gonna.

[A]

I'm dizzy.

[E]

Can you reach the control.

[A]

Hey, listen to this.

[E]

Okay. Are you pushing the button? No.

[A]

What do you think the noise is?

[E]

Well, it just sounds like the controls are overheating. You need to quit pushing the button. Are you pushing a button, sir?

[A]

Yes.

[E]

Okay, stop pushing because the bed sounds like it's overheating. Okay, I'm gonna get my technician on the phone and he can kind of talk you through this. Stop pushing the button. Okay, okay. Okay. John, I really need your help with this. This guy is stuck in his bed and he sounds real muffled like he can't breathe and stuff. Sir, I told you to stop pushing the button.

[A]

But I'm stuck in the bed.

[E]

But you really need to stop pushing the button.

[A]

I think it's jammed.

[E]

Okay, but just don't push the button because you're just gonna make it worse.

[G]

All right?

[E]

Okay. Okay. Are you getting oxygen? Are you getting some kind of air?

[A]

I don't think so. I'm completely numb from my navel up until my nipples. I'm numb because of the way I'm folded and I have my knees on either side of my ears.

[E]

Oh, God. Try to get as much oxygen that you can.

[A]

My life is passing before my eyes.

[E]

You know, I don't know if we should call an ambulance at this point or not. Do you want me to call an ambulance for you?

[A]

I want you to get me out of this floating mattress of death.

[F]

We are.

[E]

I'm trying my best. Okay? Sir, stop pushing the button.

[A]

Stop yelling at me.

[E]

Oh, I'm not dealing with this anymore.

[A]

Hello?

[E]

Hello, sir, this is Tiffany. Are you feeling alright?

[A]

Put Lisa on the phone.

[E]

Sir, I cannot listen to you or help you unless you cooperate with me.

[A]

Is this Lisa?

[E]

Yes, it is Lisa.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Your phone scammed.

[E]

Sir, I cannot understand what you're saying.

[A]

I said you were phone scammed.

[E]

What? What?

[F]

You've been phone scammed.

[E]

Phone scammed.

[F]

This is the brand new bird show at Q100.

[E]

Oh, God.

[F]

I got an email from John and Tiffany and they wanted me to phone scam you.

[E]

John, You.

[G]

We will.

[A]

We will scam you.

[C]

The bird show.

[F]

Couple days ago you went to the dentist. Your tooth's all better, but the novocaine has spread and now you're numb all over.

[E]

Hi, this is Susan. How may I help you?

[A]

Hi, Susan. I was in the office at the end of last week.

[F]

What I thought.

[A]

Was a simple comedy film. You got to novocaine and it hasn't worn off and it spread. Novocaine spread.

[E]

It spread.

[A]

Right.

[E]

Who am I speaking with?

[A]

This is Willis Muffin.

[E]

I'm sorry.

[A]

Willis Muffin. And my arm. And my hand is numb on my right side. And my lips are numb. And I'm numb.

[E]

I didn't catch your name. Your last name again.

[A]

Willis. Muffin. Willis Muffin. I was in that jail last week on birthday.

[E]

On Wednesday.

[A]

Birdman.

[E]

Thursday, Wednesday.

[A]

And I can't seem. I don't know if it's an overcurrent or if it's maybe an allergic reaction for some pesto sauce that I had after leaving the place, but my right arm and my hand is numb, and my lips and my gums and my teeth are numb and.

[E]

How long has this been going on for?

[A]

Since last Miss Day.

[E]

And how come you didn't call, Dan?

[A]

Because I thought it was normal. So I woke up with my hands numb.

[E]

And what did you do?

[A]

I thought maybe I slept on it wrong, but it's Monday morning. I couldn't wait to save my life.

[E]

And what did you do after you left here?

[A]

I had some pesto sauce.

[E]

Some what kind of shots?

[A]

No, no, no, no. I went to a restaurant.

[E]

A restaurant.

[A]

And I had some manicotti with some pesto sauce.

[E]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And last time I had pesto sauce, my tongue swelled up.

[E]

Well, that's.

[A]

And I thought it would be a good time to have pesto sauce. I liked the taste of it. My tongue was numb, so I thought maybe it wouldn't swell.

[E]

Well.

[A]

But now my arm's numb. Listen to this. I'm picking my arm up. I can't even keep it there.

[E]

Huh. Well, I think that you should go to your. Can you go to the doctor? Can you go to the doctor? Do you have a physician you can go to?

[A]

Uh, I only have a dentist. And you put the nose.

[E]

Okay, but can. Can you do me. Can you spell your last name for me?

[A]

M, O, J, O.

[C]

B.

[E]

Wait, wait. Not this Thursday.

[A]

Run.

[E]

Not this past Thursday. Exactly which day? What's the date? You were in here Thursday. This Thursday. Doctor was not in here.

[A]

No, no, no. Not this Thursday. This past Thursday.

[E]

Uh. Oh, give me the date.

[G]

Uh.

[A]

Oh, my legs are going numb.

[E]

Well, I understand that, but I'm trying to. I'm trying to decipher when you were in here. Cause you couldn't have been in here Thursday the 17th.

[A]

Oh, I know my legs are going.

[E]

Ah. Hello? Hello?

[A]

I fell up the chair.

[E]

I'm on the floor.

[A]

My license.

[E]

Numb.

[A]

I'm on the floor.

[E]

Okay, well, I think you should help. Hey, I think you should call 911.

[A]

What's the number?

[E]

911.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Huh.

[E]

I'm trying to help you here, but I don't understand who you are.

[F]

Can you leave a message for Dr. Gerhardt?

[E]

Who is this?

[F]

Well, my name's really Jeff Dollar, and I'm part of the Burt show at Q100. And your sister Betsy just phone scammed you.

[G]

We will.

[A]

We will scam you.

[C]

The Birch show.

[G]

Dude, did you order the new iPhone 17 Pro? Got it from Verizon, the best 5G network in America. I never look so good.

[H]

You look the same.

[G]

But with this camera, everything looks better. Especially me.

[H]

You haven't changed your hair in 15 years.

[C]

Selfies check, please with Verizon. Get the new iPhone 17 Pro, designed to be the most powerful iPhone ever.

[E]

Plus a new iPad and Apple One.

[D]

No trade in needed.

[C]

Offer ends November 5th with a new line on Unlimited Ultimate Best 5G Tours. Root Metrics Theta, United States, 20 to 2025.

[D]

All rights reserved. Additional terms apply for all offers.

[C]

See verizon.com for details.

[E]

Knock knock.

[C]

Ooh, who's there?

[E]

A boost mobile expert here to deliver and set up your all new iPhone.

[D]

17 Pro, designed to be the most powerful iPhone ever.

[C]

You called that a knock knock joke?

[E]

This isn't a joke. Boost mobile really sends experts to deliver and set up your phone at home or work.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It's just that when people say knock.

[F]

Knock, there's usually a joke to go with it.

[C]

Like I said, this isn't a joke. So the knock knock was just you knocking?

[E]

Yeah, that's how doors work.

[C]

Get the new iPhone 17 Pro delivered and set up by an expert wherever you are. Delivery available for select devices [e-mail] terms apply.

[B]

This is Paige Desorbo from Giggly Squad. Boost mobile gives you the same network coverage, speed and service you're used to, just at a more affordable price. Why pay more if you don't have to? Offering reliable nationwide coverage backed by a 30 day money back guarantee. Love your service or get your money back, no questions asked. Visit your nearest boost mobile store or head to boostmobile.com to learn more. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers who cancel within 30 days of activation will have boost service fees refunded, activation fees if applicable, and phone payments will not be refunded.