The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, October 28 [Vault]

Date: October 28, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Main Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and others

Episode Overview

This episode captures The Bert Show’s signature blend of humor, authentic conversations, listener drama, and real-life stories. True to the show’s character, the cast dives into relationship controversies, miscommunications, personal insecurities, and classic prank calls, all while encouraging honest dialogue and giving listeners a much-needed morning escape.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. War of the Roses: Relationship Turmoil on Air

[02:14–09:32]

• Premise: Classic segment “War of the Roses” where a partner suspects infidelity and the show intervenes.
• Action: Reid is offered "free roses" as a test. He sends them to his wife, Laura, but underlying trust issues erupt live on air.
• Conflict: Laura confronts Reid about a business trip with another woman, Heather, accusing him of lying and raising doubts due to his past infidelity.
• Key Quotes:
  • Laura: “Who’s Heather, Reid?” [04:13]
  • Reid: “This is not a woman I’d be attracted to if I was gonna do it with. If I was gonna be tempted by somebody, it wouldn’t be her.” [08:59]
  • Laura (furious): “I want you to come and get your today and get out of my house.” [09:11]
• Notable Moments:
  • Reid’s logic that “the mere fact that I exist on the same planet with other women is a problem for her.” [07:09]
  • Laura's pointed response about truth and trust: “If you’re truthful, you can never get in trouble.” [07:33]
  • Bert’s reflection: “I think once you cheat once, man, I don’t know that you can ever get that trust back.” [09:43–09:46]

2. Misread Signals: When a Date Isn’t a Date

[09:49–14:08]

• Premise: A woman, Jessica, is convinced she went on a date; Ken, the man in question, insists it was just a business meeting—with his wife and daughter present.
• Details: Jessica recounts a social gathering leading to a movie and drinks. Ken clarifies his wife and daughter were involved, and that the meeting was strictly about her networking seminars.
• Key Exchanges:
  • Ken (bewildered): “We didn’t go on a date.” [10:27]
  • Jessica: “You offered to pick me up.” [12:21]
  • Ken: “My daughter and her two friends were there.” [12:07]
  • Jessica (defeated): “Yeah. I mean, obviously, we got our signals crossed.” [13:23]
  • Caller: “She played herself with a capital P. What in the world do you think?” [14:23]
• Memorable Moment: The segment ends with both bemusement and embarrassment for Jessica, as callers express sympathy and secondhand embarrassment.

3. Bert’s Body Hair Insecurity & Mishaps

[15:10–22:16]

• Premise: Bert gets candid about his embarrassment over his arm hair and details his failed attempts to remove it using Nair.
• Highlights:
  • Bert: “I am an ape. And it’s gotten worse over the last couple years... I’m just automatically assuming if I have a short sleeve shirt on and people see my hairy arms, they’re assuming, like Jeff just said, I’ve got hair all over my body like that.” [15:32–16:40]
  • Co-host, mocking: “We actually contemplated doing a contest on the Internet. Is it Bert’s arm or a paw?” [16:04]
  • The saga of misusing Nair (“do not rub in!”), the stinging pain, and shaving only one arm leads to a hilarious in-studio “reveal.”
  • Bert: “My left arm is now beautifully shaven. And my right arm is still the old Bert arm. And that’s why I have the sweater on today.” [21:40]
  • Co-host: “You lost about three pounds.” [22:11]
  • Studio erupts laughing at the before/after arm comparison.

4. Classic Phone Scams – Prank Call Highlights

[22:20–31:42]

a) Adjustable Bed Prank
[22:20–27:07]

• Summary: Caller claims to be trapped and folded up in his adjustable bed, escalating the absurdity for an increasingly flustered customer service rep.
• Key Quotes:
  • Prankster: “I’m trapped inside my adjustable bed. It’s folded up around me.” [23:08]
  • “I’m folded up inside here like I’m in a womb.” [23:37]
  • “My knees on either side of my ears.” [25:22]
  • The prank is revealed: “Your phone scammed!” [26:43]

b) Novocaine Disaster Prank
[27:33–31:42]

• Summary: Caller alleges his novocaine hasn’t worn off for days following a dental procedure, feigning increasing numbness and confusion.
• Notable Moments:
  • “And my arm... and my hand is numb on my right side. And my lips are numb. And I’m numb.” [28:03]
  • “What’s the number?” “911.” [31:08–31:10]
  • Prankster reveals the ruse: “Your sister Betsy just phone scammed you.” [31:25]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Laura calls out Reid’s trust issues:
  • "Am I going to have to go through this again with you?" — Laura [04:35]
• Bert on trust after cheating:
  • “I don’t know that you can ever get that trust back.” [09:46]
• Jessica’s confusion over a ‘date’:
  • “Still a date?” — Jessica [10:52]
• Ken sets reality straight:
  • “My wife was standing right there with me.” [10:59]
• Caller reflects on miscommunication:
  • “She needs some friends. I mean, she’s probably sitting at home alone. She’s lonely. So embarrassing.” [14:23]
• Bert’s epic body hair reveal:
  • “My left arm is now beautifully shaven. And my right arm is still the old Bert arm.” [21:40]
• Prank call iconic line:
  • “I want you to get me out of this floating mattress of death.” [25:52]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• War of the Roses – Cheating confrontation: [02:14–09:32]
• Is It a Date? – Jessica and Ken’s miscommunication: [09:49–14:08]
• Listener Call-ins – Reactions to Jessica/Ken: [14:13–15:04]
• Bert’s Body Hair/Nair Fiasco: [15:10–22:16]
• Phone Scam – Adjustable Bed: [22:20–27:07]
• Phone Scam – Novocaine Numbness: [27:33–31:42]

Overall Tone & Language

The episode maintains a light-hearted, conversational, and sometimes irreverent tone. Panelists tease one another but are always inviting. Even discussions of heavy relationship drama are balanced with good humor and empathy for the guests and listeners.

Quick Recap

• Relationships Explored: The “War of the Roses” segment exposed complex trust dynamics, culminating in on-air fireworks and iconic advice about honesty.
• Social Mishaps: Confusion over social cues is dissected when a ‘date’ turns out to be a business meeting—with plenty of cringe and empathy.
• Personal Insecurities: The cast is not afraid to laugh at themselves, as Bert’s body hair drama brings relatable vulnerability and hilarity.
• Classic Pranks: Phone scams add a playful, mischievous energy, delivering both suspense and side-splitting laughter.

This episode is perfect for listeners who love honest, unscripted morning radio packed with laughs, relationship drama, and unforgettable personalities.