Transcript

Burt (0:00)

The Birch Show.

Melissa (0:01)

Yesterday morning, Melissa, very, very, very brave. Attacked, big time. Fear of her. And not just like, oh, heights. Kind of freaked me out a little bit. This is debilitating for her.

Jen (0:11)

It's like a phobia. I mean, we. It is face your fears, but I chose something that is a phobia of mine, which is heights. And it's affected my entire life. Where from the high dive on the pool as a kid to flying in a plane to, you know, I have no fear of crashing in a plane. My thing is, we're just really high up, and it freaks me out. And so yesterday I faced my fear of heights by going to one of the tallest buildings in downtown Atlanta and getting on the rooftop and looking over. And pictures of that are on the web, by the way.

Melissa (0:37)

Even the pictures freak you out. I mean, because you could kind of see her inching her way to the edge of the building on her butt, you know, and the hair kind of like all over the place because there's so much wind up there. It just freaked me out listening to it yesterday.

Jeff (0:49)

Walking.

Phil (0:50)

Okay.

Melissa (0:51)

Hey, Jeff.

Phil (0:52)

Hey.

Melissa (0:52)

Jeff is attacking his fear today, which is a fear of guns. Weird.

Jeff (0:57)

Yeah. It's not like I was explaining. It's not so much like the. The fear of guns as I think it is like the fear of unknown, because I have never fired anything above, like a BB gun or a pellet gun.

Jen (1:09)

I think it's a common fear. I think a lot of people have a fear of guns for the very same reason. They've never handled one. They know it can be deadly. But, you know, and that's. That's what it's about.

Jeff (1:19)

So I'm up in Marietta on Canton highway, this place called Ed's Guns. And it is exactly what you would expect a gun store to be. Exactly.

Melissa (1:31)

I don't know what that means. Like, I don't have any expectation of what the inside of a gun store looks like.

Jeff (1:37)

If you were to write a sitcom and it was gonna be about a gun store, think of the stuff. Like, you would decorate the set with the. You know, the. The animal heads on the wooden plaques all around the walls.

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Wednesday, January 21 [Vault]

Date: January 21, 2026
Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Melissa, Jen, Phil, Jeff & Callers

Episode Overview

This Bert Show episode blends the hosts' classic blend of humor, authenticity, and audience interaction across several distinctive segments. The show covers:

Facing personal fears (heights and guns)
An ongoing raunchy celebrity trivia game
A crowdsourced “Idiot’s Guide” for spying on a potentially unfaithful partner

Listeners get an immersive look at the cast’s personalities along with lively banter and candid real-life stories from the hosts and audience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Facing Fears: Heights and Guns

Timestamps: 00:01–13:39

Jen recounts her recent challenge with acrophobia (fear of heights): She faced her debilitating phobia by visiting a skyscraper rooftop in downtown Atlanta (00:11).
Jeff volunteers to face his own fear—guns, live on-air: He visits Ed's Guns in Marietta to shoot a handgun for the first time, where Phil joins as moral support and commentator (01:19).

Step-by-Step Highlights:

The Gun Store Experience:
- Jeff describes the stereotypical gun store ambiance and meeting "Gunny," the classic ex-military greeter (01:37).
- He expresses a nuanced fear—less of guns, more the unknown and physical harm (e.g., getting his skin caught in a gun mechanism) (02:58).
- The safety briefing and handling of the unloaded gun steadied his nerves, but once he loads a magazine and sees lethal potential, his anxiety increases (03:56).
Notable Quote:

"By putting the bullets in the magazine, all of a sudden it's plugged in, and you're like, oh my God, if I hit the wrong button, that thing's gonna start spinning... Same exact idea with the gun."
– Jeff (04:35)
Description of safety lessons: Jeff and Phil explain the importance of not loading the gun until inside the shooting range, and proper thumb placement for safe firing (06:53; 05:54).
On-air Shooting Experience:
- Jeff nervously loads and shoots a 9mm Springfield XD pistol, with Phil instructing him (09:48–12:12).
- Jeff feels exhilarated and proud of overcoming his fear:
  
  "I gotta be honest with you. That was actually exhilarating. Like, I want to do it again."
  – Jeff (12:27)
- Jeff hits three shots in the same hole, feeling like a "marksman" (13:08), while contrasting his reaction to Melissa’s paralyzing fear of heights.

2. All or Nothing Trivia: "The Five Best Hung Celebrities"

Timestamps: 13:44–26:12

The hosts field calls as listeners attempt to guess a long-standing list of five male celebrities infamous for being "well-endowed." Guesses must be all correct; otherwise, only a score (4/5, etc.) is disclosed—not which guesses were correct.
Hints provided during the show:
- Over 40, still alive, white, had a notable career besides acting (14:36).
- One starred (or guest-starred) on "Sex and the City" (15:02).
Memorable Banter:

"They don't call him Mr. Big for nothing."
– Melissa (18:57)

"That's like knowing the fifth Baldwin brother... not a big deal."
– Burt (17:26)
The Big Reveal (after a rash of wrong/crazy guesses):
- Phil finally nails it:
  - Eddie Murphy
  - David Letterman
  - Harrison Ford
  - Don Johnson
  - Mikhail Baryshnikov (22:00)
  "Yes, it's over."
  – Melissa, concluding the weeks-long segment (22:25)
Backstory on Baryshnikov:
- Jen admits having a poster of him as a kid and humorously recalls her mother commenting on his ballet tights (22:28).
- The show recaps the "measurements" and legendary lore behind each celebrity, salvaging a playful, R-rated tone (24:04).

3. The Idiot’s Guide to Spying on Your Significant Other

Timestamps: 26:30–41:36

The hosts curate and comment on real-life audience confessions of how they've spied—or been tempted to spy—on a partner suspected of cheating. They openly decry the morality of such acts, but persistently collect tips for an "Idiot’s Guide."
Melissa’s Opening Take:

"If you’re doing this, the relationship’s over anyway."
– Melissa (26:47)
Strategies Discussed (with Listener Stories + Host Jokes):
- Installing keystroke recorder software (Guardian) to intercept email/logins (27:12)
  
  "It would show me every keystroke that had been typed into the computer."
  – Caller (27:50)
- Checking redial on home phones to deduce voicemail passcodes and intercept messages (29:56)
- Stealthy car stakeouts (in borrowed vehicles) to avoid detection (31:05)
- Monitoring text messages, creating fake email accounts to probe for fidelity, and advice about NOT co-opting the "other woman" for support (32:03–34:07)
Memorable Anecdote:
- Phil relates a former girlfriend creating a fake "fan" email account to secretly test his loyalty (32:03).
  
  "It was an old girlfriend who created a fake email address as a fan just to respond to me ... to see if I would fall into the trap."
  – Phil (33:20)
Cautionary Advice:
- Don't involve children in spying—even if they're adults (36:40).
- Use of GPS tracker devices, voice-activated recorders (Radio Shack!), and even tracking via built-in car navigation is suggested (37:55–39:03).
- Discussion of using instant messaging (IM) and signing in as one's partner to eavesdrop on conversations (40:41).
Final "Idiot’s Guide to Spying" List (as summarized by Jen at 40:48):
- Keystroke recorder for laptops
- Checking redial for voicemail codes
- Driving by in an unfamiliar car
- Checking partner's cell/texts
- Using fake email identities
- Don't use the mistress as an ally
- Home phone voice-activated recorders
- GPS tracking devices
- Signing into partner's IM account

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“You got over it. You’re digging it. Melissa’s in, like, no big rush to get on top of a building again.”
– Melissa (13:44), noting the difference in fear response
"Mikhail Baryshnikov... the real #5."
– Melissa (26:12; 26:54), capping the trivia saga
"If you’re doing this, the relationship’s over anyway."
– Melissa (26:47), about spying
"It’d be a good way to spy though... just to see if I would fall into the trap and say, oh yeah, let's meet up secretly."
– Phil (33:34), on fake fan emails

Timestamps for Important Segments

Facing Fears: Heights & Guns:
00:01–13:39
Celebrity Trivia (Best-Hung List):
13:44–26:12
Idiot’s Guide to Spying:
26:30–41:36

Episode Tone & Style

The Bert Show maintains its signature blend of irreverence, camaraderie, and listener inclusiveness. Personal vulnerability, offbeat humor, and candid advice keep the show lively and entertaining—even when it dips into risqué or ethically grey territory.

This summary covers Part 1 of the full show.