Full Show PT 1: Wednesday, January 21 [Vault]

Summary

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The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Wednesday, January 21 [Vault]

Date: January 21, 2026
Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Melissa, Jen, Phil, Jeff & Callers

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Episode Overview

This Bert Show episode blends the hosts' classic blend of humor, authenticity, and audience interaction across several distinctive segments. The show covers:

• Facing personal fears (heights and guns)
• An ongoing raunchy celebrity trivia game
• A crowdsourced “Idiot’s Guide” for spying on a potentially unfaithful partner

Listeners get an immersive look at the cast’s personalities along with lively banter and candid real-life stories from the hosts and audience.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Facing Fears: Heights and Guns

Timestamps: 00:01–13:39

• Jen recounts her recent challenge with acrophobia (fear of heights): She faced her debilitating phobia by visiting a skyscraper rooftop in downtown Atlanta (00:11).
• Jeff volunteers to face his own fear—guns, live on-air: He visits Ed's Guns in Marietta to shoot a handgun for the first time, where Phil joins as moral support and commentator (01:19).

Step-by-Step Highlights:

• The Gun Store Experience:

  • Jeff describes the stereotypical gun store ambiance and meeting "Gunny," the classic ex-military greeter (01:37).
  • He expresses a nuanced fear—less of guns, more the unknown and physical harm (e.g., getting his skin caught in a gun mechanism) (02:58).
  • The safety briefing and handling of the unloaded gun steadied his nerves, but once he loads a magazine and sees lethal potential, his anxiety increases (03:56).

• Notable Quote:

  "By putting the bullets in the magazine, all of a sudden it's plugged in, and you're like, oh my God, if I hit the wrong button, that thing's gonna start spinning... Same exact idea with the gun."
  – Jeff (04:35)

• Description of safety lessons: Jeff and Phil explain the importance of not loading the gun until inside the shooting range, and proper thumb placement for safe firing (06:53; 05:54).

• On-air Shooting Experience:

  • Jeff nervously loads and shoots a 9mm Springfield XD pistol, with Phil instructing him (09:48–12:12).

  • Jeff feels exhilarated and proud of overcoming his fear:

    "I gotta be honest with you. That was actually exhilarating. Like, I want to do it again."
    – Jeff (12:27)

  • Jeff hits three shots in the same hole, feeling like a "marksman" (13:08), while contrasting his reaction to Melissa’s paralyzing fear of heights.

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2. All or Nothing Trivia: "The Five Best Hung Celebrities"

Timestamps: 13:44–26:12

• The hosts field calls as listeners attempt to guess a long-standing list of five male celebrities infamous for being "well-endowed." Guesses must be all correct; otherwise, only a score (4/5, etc.) is disclosed—not which guesses were correct.

• Hints provided during the show:

  • Over 40, still alive, white, had a notable career besides acting (14:36).
  • One starred (or guest-starred) on "Sex and the City" (15:02).

• Memorable Banter:

  "They don't call him Mr. Big for nothing."
  – Melissa (18:57)

  "That's like knowing the fifth Baldwin brother... not a big deal."
  – Burt (17:26)

• The Big Reveal (after a rash of wrong/crazy guesses):

  • Phil finally nails it:

    • Eddie Murphy
    • David Letterman
    • Harrison Ford
    • Don Johnson
    • Mikhail Baryshnikov (22:00)

    "Yes, it's over."
    – Melissa, concluding the weeks-long segment (22:25)

• Backstory on Baryshnikov:

  • Jen admits having a poster of him as a kid and humorously recalls her mother commenting on his ballet tights (22:28).
  • The show recaps the "measurements" and legendary lore behind each celebrity, salvaging a playful, R-rated tone (24:04).

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3. The Idiot’s Guide to Spying on Your Significant Other

Timestamps: 26:30–41:36

• The hosts curate and comment on real-life audience confessions of how they've spied—or been tempted to spy—on a partner suspected of cheating. They openly decry the morality of such acts, but persistently collect tips for an "Idiot’s Guide."

• Melissa’s Opening Take:

  "If you’re doing this, the relationship’s over anyway."
  – Melissa (26:47)

• Strategies Discussed (with Listener Stories + Host Jokes):

  • Installing keystroke recorder software (Guardian) to intercept email/logins (27:12)

    "It would show me every keystroke that had been typed into the computer."
    – Caller (27:50)

  • Checking redial on home phones to deduce voicemail passcodes and intercept messages (29:56)
  • Stealthy car stakeouts (in borrowed vehicles) to avoid detection (31:05)
  • Monitoring text messages, creating fake email accounts to probe for fidelity, and advice about NOT co-opting the "other woman" for support (32:03–34:07)

• Memorable Anecdote:

  • Phil relates a former girlfriend creating a fake "fan" email account to secretly test his loyalty (32:03).

    "It was an old girlfriend who created a fake email address as a fan just to respond to me ... to see if I would fall into the trap."
    – Phil (33:20)

• Cautionary Advice:

  • Don't involve children in spying—even if they're adults (36:40).
  • Use of GPS tracker devices, voice-activated recorders (Radio Shack!), and even tracking via built-in car navigation is suggested (37:55–39:03).
  • Discussion of using instant messaging (IM) and signing in as one's partner to eavesdrop on conversations (40:41).

• Final "Idiot’s Guide to Spying" List (as summarized by Jen at 40:48):

  • Keystroke recorder for laptops
  • Checking redial for voicemail codes
  • Driving by in an unfamiliar car
  • Checking partner's cell/texts
  • Using fake email identities
  • Don't use the mistress as an ally
  • Home phone voice-activated recorders
  • GPS tracking devices
  • Signing into partner's IM account

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You got over it. You’re digging it. Melissa’s in, like, no big rush to get on top of a building again.”
  – Melissa (13:44), noting the difference in fear response

• "Mikhail Baryshnikov... the real #5."
  – Melissa (26:12; 26:54), capping the trivia saga

• "If you’re doing this, the relationship’s over anyway."
  – Melissa (26:47), about spying

• "It’d be a good way to spy though... just to see if I would fall into the trap and say, oh yeah, let's meet up secretly."
  – Phil (33:34), on fake fan emails

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Facing Fears: Heights & Guns:
  00:01–13:39
• Celebrity Trivia (Best-Hung List):
  13:44–26:12
• Idiot’s Guide to Spying:
  26:30–41:36

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Episode Tone & Style

The Bert Show maintains its signature blend of irreverence, camaraderie, and listener inclusiveness. Personal vulnerability, offbeat humor, and candid advice keep the show lively and entertaining—even when it dips into risqué or ethically grey territory.

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This summary covers Part 1 of the full show.

Transcript

[Burt]

The Birch Show.

[Melissa]

Yesterday morning, Melissa, very, very, very brave. Attacked, big time. Fear of her. And not just like, oh, heights. Kind of freaked me out a little bit. This is debilitating for her.

[Jen]

It's like a phobia. I mean, we. It is face your fears, but I chose something that is a phobia of mine, which is heights. And it's affected my entire life. Where from the high dive on the pool as a kid to flying in a plane to, you know, I have no fear of crashing in a plane. My thing is, we're just really high up, and it freaks me out. And so yesterday I faced my fear of heights by going to one of the tallest buildings in downtown Atlanta and getting on the rooftop and looking over. And pictures of that are on the web, by the way.

[Melissa]

Even the pictures freak you out. I mean, because you could kind of see her inching her way to the edge of the building on her butt, you know, and the hair kind of like all over the place because there's so much wind up there. It just freaked me out listening to it yesterday.

[Jeff]

Walking.

[Phil]

Okay.

[Melissa]

Hey, Jeff.

[Phil]

Hey.

[Melissa]

Jeff is attacking his fear today, which is a fear of guns. Weird.

[Jeff]

Yeah. It's not like I was explaining. It's not so much like the. The fear of guns as I think it is like the fear of unknown, because I have never fired anything above, like a BB gun or a pellet gun.

[Jen]

I think it's a common fear. I think a lot of people have a fear of guns for the very same reason. They've never handled one. They know it can be deadly. But, you know, and that's. That's what it's about.

[Jeff]

So I'm up in Marietta on Canton highway, this place called Ed's Guns. And it is exactly what you would expect a gun store to be. Exactly.

[Melissa]

I don't know what that means. Like, I don't have any expectation of what the inside of a gun store looks like.

[Jeff]

If you were to write a sitcom and it was gonna be about a gun store, think of the stuff. Like, you would decorate the set with the. You know, the. The animal heads on the wooden plaques all around the walls.

[Phil]

Right.

[Jeff]

The guy who greets you at the door, and which, of course, they have up here at Ed's. The guy who greets you at the door, his name is Gunny. And that's exactly what happened. And he looks every bit like the marine or the army guy, you know, shaved head. He's the guy who, you know, Phil put it best, who was probably in the military and Then, you know, retired, got the honorable discharge, tons of awards, whatever. And then when, you know, the drama started happening over in Iraq, he's like, I want to go back. I was back there. This wouldn't be taking so long. Like that type of guy, you know what I mean? So he's in here, and it's just, you know, in between the camouflage and the deer scent and the, you know, the sights, there's. There's the glass counters with all the guns. And I've been talking to a guy named Kurt, and while I'm a little nervous, Phil, it's like Christmas.

[Melissa]

Yeah, no doubt, man. This guy's in. Totally in his element, isn't he?

[Jeff]

Like, Phil's like, hey, when you're done, can I take a few minutes and shoot? I said, sure.

[Melissa]

So while you're walking around there and you're looking at all the guns and stuff, I mean, is there any kind of anxiety or it's the actual just having it in your hand where you start to get freaked out?

[Jeff]

I actually, I had no anxiety. None. I told. I can't remember who I said this to this morning. The only time I got nervous, really this morning, is when I thought of the fast moving mechanisms of all the gun and the fact that my skin might get caught somewhere like that. Seriously, is what made me nervous this morning. And so I came up here and I was fine. I'm talking to Phil. We come in, I meet Kurt. We're talking. Yeah, I talked to Kurt about everything. We go over the four rules of gun safety. I kind of have this little pre course, very thorough, very, very comprehensive on how to hold a gun and handle a gun. And I was totally, completely fine because Kurt compulsively checks the handgun to make sure there's no bullet in the chamber. It's not loaded, of course, so I had no. So even when I was holding the gun, no anxiety. But then he had me load the magazine, which is completely separate from the gun. Like, there's the gun and then there's the magazine, and there's no bullets in the gun until you put the magazine in the gun. And I noticed myself after the magazine was loaded and the gun was on the counter, like fixating on the two of them to make sure they somehow didn't come close together and slide together and then fall off the counter or something.

[Melissa]

Yeah, it's like, I think it's the. I wonder if it's more the fear of the gun or the fear that you actually have the power to take somebody's life.

[Jeff]

I Don't know what it is.

[Caller Female 1]

Which.

[Jeff]

That might be it. Like, I mean, I. Yeah, I don't know what it is, but it. Once. Once the bullets were in the magazine and the actual power was that. You know what?

[Caller Female 2]

He.

[Jeff]

One of the guys here explained it a good way. It's like a power tool. Like, if you think of, like, a table saw and how horribly something like that could hurt you, then you're. Then you're, you know, like, it's. It's terrible. But then if you see the plug lying on the ground, you know that it's harmless, right? Because it's not plugged in. Well, by putting the bullets in the magazine, all of a sudden it's plugged in, and you're like, oh, my God, if I hit the wrong button, that thing's gonna start spinning. And then what if my arm hits it and it cuts off my arm? Same exact idea with the gun. It was really weird because I thought I was even. Like I said, Melissa, you set the bar high with your paralyzing fear of height. So I almost felt bad that I wasn't as scared as you were. And then I started to feel the anxiety once the bullets came out and stuff. It was actually pret.

[Phil]

Weird.

[Jen]

Right.

[Caller Female 3]

Are you afraid of it malfunctioning in any way?

[Jeff]

Only if it's pointed towards me when.

[Jen]

That happens, because, you know, sometimes guns can backfire, and sometimes, you know, it can come out the back of the gun and.

[Jeff]

Right. Did I talk about the breeze when you were on top of the roof, Melissa?

[Jen]

Yeah, you did. Before I went up there, like, the day before.

[Jeff]

Well, it's the day of. And also, one of the things I told.

[Jen]

He's changing the rules.

[Jeff]

I told you that the. You know, one of my fears is, like, the skin getting caught in the whole thing.

[Jen]

Right.

[Jeff]

So at one point, he has me hold the gun, and he says, okay, you're holding it incorrectly if you hold it there. This part. I can't remember what it's called, but the top part shoots back at 350ft per second. If your thumbs there, you'll really have a problem. And I. And now I'm focused. Like, I can't not hold the gun that way.

[Phil]

It's weird.

[Melissa]

You lose a digit. Big deal.

[Jeff]

Yeah, I got two thumbs, right?

[Melissa]

You'll be all right. Are you at the shooting range? I mean, can we do this right now?

[Jeff]

Yeah, if you want to do it right now, I can. I guess I'll walk in and I'll hand the phone to Phil, and I'll let you talk to Phil, and then Kurt and I will walk back into the thing and then I'll probably put my headset on and we'll go from there. Is that cool?

[Melissa]

That's fine.

[Jen]

Now, I want to ask a question, Jeff. So how far is the shooting range from where you are now?

[Jeff]

The shooting range?

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Oh, it's through two doors. It's a 10 second walk away.

[Jen]

Because I think to add to this, you have to carry the loaded gun to the place you're shooting instead of Kirk carrying it for you.

[Jeff]

Melissa, don't be silly. You do not load the gun until you're in the place where you're gonna use it.

[Jen]

There you go.

[Jeff]

The rules of gun safety. Thank you.

[Melissa]

That's a nice break.

[Jen]

He's learning.

[Melissa]

That's a very nice break.

[Jen]

Even though he told me to rappel down that building yesterday. I did not forget that either.

[Phil]

Hey, guys.

[Jen]

Hey, man.

[Phil]

What's going on?

[Melissa]

Have you ever felt more at home than you do right now?

[Phil]

I'm sorry, say that one more time.

[Melissa]

Do you ever feel more at home than you do right now in a gun shop?

[Phil]

Yeah, I really do. I'm sitting here walking around going, wow, you know, I could really probably get a gun for the house and.

[Caller Male 1]

Oh, we can.

[Phil]

They do practices every Tuesday at 6:00'.

[Jeff]

Clock.

[Phil]

I can meet y' all up here. Yeah, I can skip out on boot camp.

[Melissa]

Didn't your school rent out that place for prom?

[Jeff]

What's that?

[Melissa]

Didn't your school rent out that place for prom?

[Phil]

We could have.

[Jeff]

We should have. But it's me. I'm sitting here going through my Christmas.

[Phil]

Wish list as I'm walking around.

[Caller Female 3]

Red Rider BB gun.

[Melissa]

Put an eye out. How far?

[Phil]

Wait, hang on. We are putting the.

[Melissa]

Putting on the.

[Phil]

The safety gear on right now. The goggles and the headset. Give me two seconds.

[Melissa]

They must have had to put two headsets together today.

[Jen]

He's got a big old head. And those goggles, like, they just put a. A sheet of yellow Saran wrap around his eyes.

[Phil]

My ears on.

[Caller Female 3]

Have to wrap his head. Yeah. Swaddle him.

[Jen]

Yeah. That's a big head.

[Melissa]

Hey, Phil? Yeah? Is he gonna be on the phone or is he on that weird Zephyr thing that Melissa was on yesterday?

[Phil]

No, you'll be able to hear it through me.

[Jen]

Okay, so we're not gonna talk to him while he's shooting?

[Phil]

No, because he has to use both hands to shoot. So I'll be standing right beside him as he shoots. And I can hear y' all and if I, if I hug out for a second, it's just because it's really loud.

[Jen]

Let me ask a question. Explain what he's shooting.

[Phil]

Exactly. Again, what it is we're shooting.

[Jen]

Handgun rifle.

[Phil]

Well, hang on one second here.

[Burt]

Hello.

[Phil]

Okay, this is a 9 millimeter Springfield XD semi automatic pistol.

[Jen]

Okay. Okay, got it.

[Melissa]

Is that a badass pistol right there?

[Phil]

Yeah, it's cool. The best way to describe it, it's almost like a movie gun. It's not a revolver. And it does have the magazine clip that goes along with it and the little clips, the magazine springs out and you load it real fast. So it's just. It's a black gun and it doesn't have the little pullback trigger. You just fire. It's semi automatic. So what I learned is semi automatic means, you know, you shoot it once and you gotta trigger again. It doesn't keep going.

[Melissa]

Yeah, Melissa was just. Melissa brought up a great point. We probably should have had him do a shotgun.

[Caller Female 3]

I know.

[Jen]

I'm sitting here going, because I, you know, I'm from small town south. I learned how to shoot guns when I was a kid. And so he should have been shooting a rifle. So he had a kickback to kind of really freak him out. But.

[Phil]

For the record, he just replaced the extremely large target with a very, very small target.

[Melissa]

Doesn't matter. He's not gonna hit it.

[Jen]

He's not gonna hit it. Yeah, exactly.

[Phil]

Okay. He is. He stepped up to the booth right now. He's about to load the gun.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Do you want me to talk to him?

[Phil]

You want, you want to talk to him? Can you shoot?

[Jeff]

And at the same time.

[Phil]

Okay, hold on. I'm gonna pass him up to Jeff real quick.

[Jeff]

Okay, Hang on one second. There.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Hey. How you feeling?

[Phil]

Okay. Just.

[Jeff]

I. I actually thought everything would be kind of done for me, but it wasn't like I had to load the gun and stuff.

[Jen]

Yeah. So, I mean, that's where. That's what's going to bring the anxiety. Right. Putting the guy. The bullets in the gun.

[Melissa]

So.

[Jeff]

Checking. Hold on. I'm checking to see if it hang in the chamber. Damn it.

[Jen]

And that's what freaked him out. You know the story Jeff told. Oh, sorry.

[Phil]

Puts the magazine in firmly so it goes this way. That's it.

[Jeff]

Slam it in.

[Phil]

There you go. Okay, now keep your finger off the trigger.

[Jeff]

Fingers off the trigger.

[Phil]

Slide sharply.

[Jeff]

Wait a minute. What hand am I shooting with?

[Phil]

You're shooting with your left hand.

[Jeff]

Okay, Doing like this.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Phil]

Across the top.

[Jeff]

And then I Do this, Rack it sharp. And when I rack it, it's armed.

[Phil]

That's correct.

[Jeff]

We want to do that right now.

[Phil]

Want to do that right now? All right.

[Melissa]

How you feeling right now?

[Jen]

Oh, you just did it.

[Caller Female 2]

Nope.

[Jeff]

Okay, I've got. I've now. I'm now holding a hot gun.

[Jen]

Okay, it's in the chamber.

[Melissa]

How you feeling? How you feeling?

[Jeff]

I'm doing okay. Both hands, both hands.

[Phil]

Oh, wait. Your sights are on the target.

[Jeff]

All right, you guys shot. Where do you want it?

[Caller Male 1]

Harder.

[Jeff]

Head.

[Phil]

Put your finger on the trigger. Squeeze slowly until you feel some percent again.

[Jeff]

You guys ready?

[Melissa]

Huh?

[Phil]

Pick up the slap.

[Jeff]

Come forward. All right, got it. Thumb forward.

[Phil]

Squeeze trigger straight back. Wow. Hell of a shot.

[Melissa]

Heard that one.

[Phil]

Excellent, excellent.

[Melissa]

I hate that sound. I hate that sound. Hey, man. Hello.

[Jen]

I hate that sound.

[Caller Female 3]

I'm sweating. My palms are sweating for you, Jeff.

[Jen]

How'd it feel?

[Jeff]

I'm a marksman.

[Jen]

How did you hit?

[Jeff]

Yeah, I can shoot. Yeah, I think Phil's gonna take some shots, but, yeah, I did it.

[Melissa]

How'd you save your target?

[Jeff]

Yeah, I'll bring the target back. That was actually really cool. And, Jen, I know Jessica will be into this. So Tuesday night, ladies shoot free. Swear to God. So we'll come back Tuesday night. That was. I gotta be honest with you. That was actually exhilarating. Like, I want to do it again.

[Melissa]

Yeah, with your passion for power, I'm guessing you turn into Dirty Harry right now.

[Jeff]

Oh, my God, it was awesome. Phil's taking a picture of Kurt right now holding my target. And. Yeah, that was actually really, really, really cool.

[Melissa]

All right.

[Jeff]

Really cool.

[Melissa]

The reactions are a little different today. Like, you got over it. You're digging it. Melissa's in, like, no big rush to get on top of a building again.

[Jen]

But I did say yesterday. No, I'm going to. I'm gonna continue doing what I did yesterday. I'm not gonna get on top of that building again because, well, I can't. But I'm gonna continue fighting it and get. It's gonna take. Mine's a little phobic. His was just that he didn't know how to do it. So.

[Jeff]

Three shots, same hole, three shots.

[Jen]

Really, Jeff? That's awesome.

[Melissa]

That's dangerous.

[Jeff]

That was. Yeah, that was actually definitely a different overcoming the fear than Melissa, because I. It's. It's almost a high.

[Phil]

Perfect.

[Jeff]

Totally honest with you. Like, I'm smiling.

[Jen]

Well, take the picture. Take a picture of the target and bring the.

[Jeff]

I'll bring the target back.

[Melissa]

Okay, cool.

[Jeff]

They're going to Get a new target for Phil. So Phil doesn't take any credit for my great marksmanship.

[Melissa]

Nice job, dude. We'll see when you get.

[Jen]

Congratulations.

[Burt]

The Birch Show.

[Melissa]

These five celebrities are known as the best hung. In entertainment. We call this all or nothing trivia. You have to call up with all five answers. If you don't have all five right, we'll tell you how many you got right. We just won't tell you which ones. Start to see a pattern starting to form. We have to get this right today. We absolutely must.

[Jen]

Please.

[Caller Female 3]

Somebody is driving me crazy.

[Burt]

Stop the madness, people.

[Melissa]

Jennifer, you get the first crack at it.

[Caller Female 2]

Okay.

[Caller Female 1]

All right, let's see. David Letterman, Eddie Murphy, Harrison Ford, Don Johnson, and Ron Jeremy.

[Melissa]

Ron Jeremy is not right.

[Jen]

And has been guest before.

[Melissa]

And has been guest before. Yes.

[Caller Female 1]

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

[Melissa]

All right, let's take a look at some of the clues here.

[Jen]

All right.

[Melissa]

Over 40. Over 40, we've said he's got to be over 40.

[Jen]

Still alive.

[Melissa]

Still alive. White dude.

[Jen]

White dude.

[Melissa]

And you know him, you probably know him as an actor, but he was certainly something in the entertainment world before he was an actor. That made him a celebrity.

[Caller Female 3]

All right, and the big clue you gave on Friday was that he starred in Sex and the City.

[Jen]

Did you say you started? I said he was on.

[Caller Female 3]

I said he was on Sex and the City.

[Melissa]

Sex and the City. Okay.

[Burt]

Have you confirmed or denied your guess yet?

[Caller Female 3]

No.

[Melissa]

Good morning, Randall.

[Jeff]

Yes, I know this.

[Melissa]

Let's put an end to it.

[Jeff]

All right, I've got Eddie Murphy, Don Johnson, Harrison Ford, David Letterman, and Jon Bon Jovi.

[Melissa]

Jon Bon Jovi. Is he on Sex and the City? Yep. Was.

[Caller Female 3]

He was Carrie's boyfriend.

[Melissa]

You got 405.

[Caller Female 3]

Darn it.

[Jeff]

405.

[Jen]

Was that your guess?

[Caller Female 3]

That was my guess.

[Burt]

That was hobbies.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Melissa]

All right.

[Burt]

What?

[Jen]

I'll write down my guess. I have a new guess.

[Burt]

What was that your second one?

[Jen]

No.

[Melissa]

Oh. I'm curious what your guess is.

[Jen]

I can't spell his name.

[Melissa]

Okay, then you got it. Okay. Good morning, Liz. You're on the Burt Show.

[Caller Female 1]

Good morning.

[Melissa]

Hi.

[Caller Female 3]

Hi.

[Caller Female 1]

I think it's Eddie Murphy, David Letterman, Harrison Ford, Don Johnson and John o'. Hurley.

[Caller Female 3]

The Dancing with the Stars.

[Burt]

Dude, Jay Peterman's got a big pose.

[Caller Female 1]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Was he on Sex and the City?

[Caller Female 1]

He guest starred on there.

[Melissa]

He did?

[Caller Female 1]

I think both.

[Melissa]

Okay, well, you got four or five.

[Caller Female 1]

Oh, thank you.

[Melissa]

Bye.

[Caller Female 2]

Bye.

[Melissa]

You guys remember him on that show?

[Caller Female 3]

I don't remember him on Sex and the City, but I know who John Hurley Is.

[Melissa]

Good morning, Ray.

[Phil]

How are you doing?

[Melissa]

All right. You?

[Phil]

Not too bad.

[Jen]

All right.

[Melissa]

These five celebrities are known as the best hung in entertainment.

[Phil]

Okay. Eddie Murphy, Don Johnson, Harrison Ford, David Letterman, and Carrot Top.

[Caller Female 3]

Carrot Topp.

[Burt]

Was Carrot Top on Sex in the City?

[Caller Female 3]

I know him.

[Phil]

Not sure. Just a guess.

[Melissa]

I'm not sure if he was on Sex and the City also.

[Burt]

Well, he's been guessed before.

[Melissa]

Yeah, 405.

[Phil]

Okay.

[Melissa]

That sucks when you're a celebrity and someone says your name and you.

[Caller Female 3]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Not in a Will Ferrell kind of way, but in a. Ooh.

[Jen]

But you know what's worse is if somebody said who. So it's better be left at than you know.

[Melissa]

Did you say you know him?

[Caller Female 3]

Yeah, I've met him before. My husband's friends with him.

[Melissa]

Is friends with Carrot Top. Mm. Does he tell a lot of people that?

[Jen]

Yeah. I mean, funny how this is the first time you've ever mentioned this dude.

[Caller Female 3]

We went to a show in Vegas and I got to meet him in Santa.

[Melissa]

Was he a cool dude?

[Caller Female 3]

Yeah, he's nice. His name's Scott. He's like a normal dude.

[Melissa]

You see how buffed out he is.

[Burt]

Now, Jen, like, Cameron Crow knows you. That's cool.

[Caller Female 3]

Don't admit Carrot Top.

[Burt]

Right? Let the Carrot Top thing go like you're over here like, yeah, dude, I know Carrot Top. Seriously, that's like. That's like knowing the fifth Baldwin brother. Yeah, yeah, I know.

[Jeff]

Scooter Baldwin.

[Jen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Melissa]

You won't get a lot of people going. No, you don't.

[Caller Female 3]

Right?

[Melissa]

This is like the celebrity bell curve. You just forget Cameron Crowe if you got Carrot Top on there.

[Jeff]

No, no, no.

[Melissa]

They cross each other.

[Caller Female 3]

Let's not forget Cameron Crowe.

[Burt]

Yeah, keep Cameron Crowe. Let Cameron.

[Caller Female 3]

We'll keep Cameron and Nancy.

[Melissa]

404-741-1005 these five celebrities are known as the best hanging entertainment. Who are they? Good morning.

[Caller Female 1]

Good morning.

[Melissa]

Hi, Kim.

[Caller Female 1]

Yes, hello. How are y'? All?

[Melissa]

With all these guesses and everything, for sure you have it right? Let's do this.

[Caller Female 1]

It's John Corbin.

[Melissa]

It's John Corbin. No, it's not. 405.

[Caller Female 3]

She's just guessing the wrong way. She's like, I'm not going through the other four.

[Melissa]

She's crowded. Everybody around, like the radio at the office and stuff, watching me get.

[Burt]

Hey, you guys want to hear me win?

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Caller Female 3]

John Corbett I would believe, though, because he came in here and he's like 6 foot 9 or something.

[Melissa]

He's lanky.

[Caller Female 3]

He's tall. He's tall. He's tall and buff too. He's not skinny.

[Melissa]

Yeah, well, the buff thing doesn't do any. You know, you can't do anything for that. There's no curl you can do no sit up, no push up. Or I would have been doing a million of them. Good morning, Kristen.

[Caller Female 1]

Hi.

[Melissa]

Hi.

[Caller Female 1]

Okay, I have Chris North, Harrison Ford, Eddie Murphy, David Letterman and Don Johnson.

[Melissa]

What was the first one you said there?

[Caller Female 1]

Chris north.

[Melissa]

Chris north, Mr. Big.

[Caller Female 1]

Mr. Big.

[Melissa]

They don't call him Mr. Big for nothing.

[Jeff]

Right, right.

[Melissa]

You got four or five?

[Caller Female 1]

Okay, all right.

[Caller Female 3]

Let me ask. I need to ask Melissa a question.

[Melissa]

Good morning, Dina.

[Caller Female 1]

Hey, Bert.

[Melissa]

Hello, Dina. I thought we were gonna end this today.

[Caller Female 1]

I know it.

[Melissa]

Come on.

[Caller Female 1]

I know it now.

[Jeff]

Come on.

[Melissa]

You know it.

[Caller Female 2]

Uh huh.

[Melissa]

All right.

[Caller Female 2]

Okay.

[Caller Female 1]

Eddie Murphy, Harrison Ford, David Letterman, Don Johnson and Jackie Chan.

[Caller Female 3]

Jackie Chan was on Sex in the City.

[Melissa]

Come on, Jackie Chan.

[Caller Female 1]

You said he was short and you said he was famous for something else.

[Melissa]

Come on, we all know the stereotype. Jackie Chan can't be on that.

[Caller Female 1]

I think it's him.

[Melissa]

Come on. Come on, Bert, you're just joking, right?

[Caller Female 1]

No. Well, yeah, I am.

[Phil]

I have one other.

[Jeff]

You want me to go for it?

[Caller Female 3]

You, stina, are singing to. I recognize your voice. You can't win. You're like almost an employee.

[Melissa]

Yeah. You're family now.

[Caller Female 1]

Well, shoot. Could I give it to my sister?

[Jen]

Have her call back in.

[Melissa]

Have her call. It was an awful guest.

[Caller Female 3]

Watch out, we might put a M on her.

[Caller Female 1]

Short men. You know, you never know, Bert.

[Melissa]

Well, it's.

[Jen]

I think Burt knows.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Yes, I do.

[Caller Female 1]

Bye.

[Melissa]

Thank you.

[Caller Female 1]

Have a good day.

[Melissa]

Bye. Bye. You too. Jackie Chan was never on Sex in the City, was he?

[Caller Female 3]

I don't think so.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Do you remember the scene where it was him and Chris Tucker and they were beating up the four girls like the.

[Melissa]

No, no. I really thought we were. I thought we were getting a winner today. Good morning, Sean.

[Phil]

Hey, I got this, guys.

[Jen]

All right.

[Caller Female 3]

Come on, Sean.

[Phil]

If I don't got it, I'm giving Burt's Big Adventure $250.

[Melissa]

All right, all right.

[Phil]

Letterman, Harrison Ford, Eddie Murphy, Don Johnson and Huey Lewis.

[Melissa]

Well, Bert's Big Adventure thanks you for the $250 check.

[Jeff]

You got to be kidding me.

[Burt]

No.

[Phil]

All right, all right, I will get. Put the person back on. I'll give him my credit card and pay the 250.

[Jeff]

All right.

[Melissa]

I will definitely put you on hold. Thank you for the donation.

[Caller Female 3]

Huey Lewis was on Sex and the City, though. He was right. Was he I think he guest starred in it. And I can't remember where, but I feel like he did.

[Melissa]

This guy was certainly a bigger guest star in Sex and the City than Huey Lewis was. For sure.

[Caller Female 3]

Good clue.

[Melissa]

All right. For sure.

[Jeff]

You know who this guy got it.

[Burt]

You know who it is?

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

I would even say, listen to Jen.

[Burt]

Like, she's like, yeah, I know, Carrot Top. I'm like, do you know who it is? Yeah.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Seriously. I knew it. Like last Monday when we started this.

[Caller Female 3]

I knew it when Melissa did the light bulb in her head and said something when she was gonna go write it down.

[Jen]

That's when. Yeah, And I think that was the big clue in my mumble. I gave a clue.

[Caller Female 3]

Yeah, a big clue.

[Melissa]

I'll give you this is. He was.

[Caller Female 3]

No, don't.

[Jen]

No, no, hush.

[Caller Female 3]

Now that I know, I want people to guess wrong.

[Melissa]

Good morning, Ken.

[Burt]

She'll get caretapped and beat your ass.

[Phil]

Hey, Ken, Is it?

[Jeff]

Hello?

[Melissa]

Hello?

[Phil]

Hey, it's Tim.

[Melissa]

Oh, Tim. Okay. What's up?

[Caller Female 1]

Hey.

[Phil]

Are you guys ready to end this?

[Melissa]

Yes. I hope so. Are you ready? Yes.

[Phil]

Eddie Murphy, David Letterman, Harrison Ford, Don Johnson, and Mikhail Baryshnikov.

[Melissa]

Who is Mikhail Baryshnikov?

[Phil]

I honestly don't know. He was a dancer before going on Sex in the City.

[Melissa]

All right. Is he over 40?

[Phil]

Of course he is.

[Melissa]

And who was he in Sex and the City?

[Phil]

I have no clue.

[Melissa]

Could he be Carrie's love interest that she went over to Paris with?

[Phil]

If you say so.

[Burt]

All right.

[Melissa]

Yes, it's over.

[Jen]

And the reason that the light bulb popped in my mind is because I honestly had a poster of him in my room. Somebody gave it to me as a gift when I was in, like, elementary school or something. Cause he was like, I mean, one of the most famous dancers ever. So he wasn't just a dancer. He was, I mean, big time. And so I had him in my. In my room. And I remember my mother making a. Cause obviously I wasn't paying that much attention. My mother making a comment because he was in the ballet tights. And my mother made a comment about his package.

[Melissa]

It was rolled up four or five different times.

[Jen]

It was like a nice roll up.

[Burt]

That's why he went in to dance. Just so he could wear those tights and be okay with it.

[Caller Female 3]

I mean, it's.

[Jen]

Yeah, the whole world knew.

[Caller Female 3]

He was like, go ahead, you question my man.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Caller Female 3]

Exactly.

[Melissa]

Now, I don't have his biography or anything here in front of me, but I remember him doing a movie with, like, Gregory Hines. Back in the day. White nights, White Knights. Okay. And he was Sex in. In the. Sex in the City. And he was Carrie's love interest. She goes to Paris with Dude, then Big comes and basically gets her back. All right, so, yes, Mikhail Baryshnikov was number five. Okay. Damn.

[Phil]

Awesome.

[Melissa]

All right.

[Phil]

I didn't know I was still on.

[Melissa]

Yeah, hold on one second. All right, Jeff, tell him what he's won.

[Burt]

$250 to spend at Buckhead Life Restaurant Group. You can go to Keema or Blue Point. Lobster Bar, Buckhead Diner. You pick it. Veni, Vidi, Vici, Preachy Panos and Paul's. Wherever you want to go. Atlanta Fish Market. We're going to take care of you. It's like a debit card. And you can recharge that as many times as you want.

[Phil]

Awesome.

[Melissa]

All right, Tim, hold on. Congratulations.

[Phil]

Thanks a lot, guys.

[Melissa]

All right, once again, here's your list with some description. Okay.

[Jen]

Oh, no description. Yeah, we get measurements.

[Melissa]

You get measurements.

[Caller Male 1]

All right.

[Melissa]

All right, we start off with Eddie Murphy. All right. As legend has it, eight to nine. Okay. David Letterman, the popular host of late night television, has been reported to be an impressive nine or better.

[Jen]

Wow.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Don Johnson says, one look at the phallus that made Miami Vice a primetime staple and you can see why Melanie Griffin married him twice. Harrison Ford, a female reader reports that star of the Indiana Jones series, the Star wars trilogy and the Fugitive, and is tremendously, tremendously too, tremendously hung.

[Caller Female 3]

And, well, he married that 24 year old. Now we know why she married him.

[Burt]

Right?

[Melissa]

And Mikhail Baryshnikov, he's with.

[Jen]

Oh, Skinny Chicken.

[Caller Female 3]

Oh, Calista Flockart. Who am I thinking of then that married the young girl?

[Jen]

He's breaking her.

[Burt]

Yes, Nicholas Cage. No, the sushi girl.

[Caller Female 3]

Her name was Christina or something. Shoot, I get him.

[Jen]

Well, somebody that's not as well hung as Harrison Ford.

[Melissa]

Think of the damage he's doing to her.

[Jen]

I know. She can't say. She's a little thing.

[Melissa]

Oh, my goodness.

[Caller Female 3]

Kevin Costner is who I was thinking of. I always confuse the two of them.

[Melissa]

And Mikhail Baryshnikov taps out over nine and a half.

[Jen]

So he did.

[Caller Female 3]

Yeah. He has to tie it in a.

[Jen]

Knot when he gets in those valleys.

[Melissa]

Yeah, pretty much. All right, we'll put this whole list up on our website because I know you guys are going to email because a lot of you probably couldn't listen like this. Half an hour and we'll be calling later on today. So we'll put it up on the email.

[Burt]

I don't think you should ever put it up on the website just so.

[Melissa]

People will ask all the time.

[Caller Female 3]

I think you could only put up four.

[Burt]

You only put up the first four.

[Melissa]

Let's open up the last one and.

[Burt]

Then leave the last one blank. Because I think the people who stuck around, okay, gave us 30 minutes a day, every day for the past 11 months or however long this has been going on.

[Melissa]

All right.

[Burt]

I think those people have earned the answer, and the rest of the people have them.

[Melissa]

All right, then, before we put up our Eddie Murphy, David Letterman, Don Johnson and Harrison Ford. But you listening now also know that Mikhail Baryshnikov was the.

[Burt]

Or what if you put up the original four and then, like, for the fifth one, you put somebody random, like Gordon from Sesame street or something like that.

[Melissa]

Webster. Yeah, the real 5. Mikhail Baryshnikov, Harrison Ford, Don Johnson, David Letterman, and Eddie Murphy. The Birch Show. All right, so the Idiot's Guide to Spying on Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Husband, Wife.

[Jen]

Right. Yeah. We have talked for a couple days about the fact that there are some people, and as men or women, that have just that nagging feeling that their partner is cheating on them, and they need to find out for themselves if they're doing that. So they go and they spy and they find out if it's true or not.

[Melissa]

I go on record again as saying, if you're doing this, the relationship's over anyway. There. It's on record.

[Caller Female 3]

That's not the debate. The debate is the disguise.

[Melissa]

And we'll say this also, that we're gonna take all your suggestions today. We will find somebody that wants to do this, spy on their boyfriend or husband or girlfriend. Boyfriend.

[Jeff]

And.

[Melissa]

And we'll put that person on tomorrow. We will use all your suggestions. And then sometime, like, over the next 48 hours, I'll try to pull it off and see how it goes. Michelle, you are on the voice disguiser. Good morning.

[Caller Female 1]

Good morning.

[Melissa]

Hi.

[Jeff]

Hi.

[Caller Female 2]

What I did was I installed a keystroke recorder on my husband's laptop. And so I thought he had another email address that he was using. And it turned out he did. And he was emailing all these women back and forth, you know, going to personals and picking up all these women and telling them that he was divorced and, you know, all this crazy stuff, and he was meeting up with these women. And the only way I found out is because I put that keystroke recorder on there and got the email.

[Melissa]

What exactly is that device?

[Caller Female 2]

It is a software that you can download. And what it does is. It's like spyware, like the ones that can get on your computer over the Internet. But I put this one on myself. So what I could do is go back in and type in a secret password, and it would show me every keystroke that had been typed into the computer.

[Jen]

Okay. Now.

[Caller Female 2]

And it also took snapshots of the screen, so if people had sent him pictures, I could see those, too.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Melissa]

I'm just curious if he. How are you? Why were you tipped off that he might be doing something like that on the Internet? Or was it.

[Caller Female 2]

It's often weird.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Caller Female 2]

Just all of a sudden, he's got somewhere he's got to be. He's got a strange meeting, you know, not his normal pattern of work stuff. Oh, I've got to go to Macon today. Why? You know, I couldn't get any straight answers, so I started to get suspicious. I know he spends a lot of time on the computer, so, you know, I thought that that would be the best place to start looking.

[Caller Female 3]

Was there any sort of change in activity in the bedroom?

[Caller Female 2]

No. And that was the thing that, you know, kind of made me think, okay, well, maybe you're just crazy. It's not anything. But, you know, then I just got suspicious.

[Melissa]

Okay. The name of the software. Do you know it was Guardian. Guardian.

[Burt]

You can get that stuff on the Internet. Because I think what it's supposed to be used for is parents can put it on their computer to make sure their kids aren't, you know, doing nasty things or going to nasty sites, because they can go back and you can pull up every domain name that your kids has gone to. And I know one parent who used it because you could type in, like, a screen name because it was a girl who was being like she was. Kept going back to this guy who was harassing her. Like they were, like, in eighth grade, you know, and the dad said, look, you got to cut it off. And they put this on, and they put that guy's email on. So if she ever wrote him an email, it would actually send an email to the parents letting them know that that word had been typed into the computer. And then they went and pulled it up and confronted her.

[Melissa]

Cindy, you are on the voice disguiser. We are putting together the Idiot's Guide to Spying.

[Caller Female 2]

Hi.

[Melissa]

Hi.

[Caller Female 2]

The thing that I did, that worked for my ex. And yes, Bert, I do agree with you. It's over. When he would. He would check his voicemail from my home phone sometimes, so I would go behind him and do redial and look at the series of numbers on the display that were dialed. Some phones don't do it, but a lot of phones do. They'll show the whole series of numbers that you dial, including the pounds and stars and everything.

[Caller Female 3]

Okay.

[Caller Female 2]

I just wrote them all down and that's how I got his voicemail code. And I would just go and check his voicemail every day and there would be, baby, how are you? Hey, honey. It was good seeing you yesterday and stuff like that on there.

[Jen]

Okay, so you busted him on his voicemail?

[Caller Female 2]

Yep.

[Melissa]

All right, thank you.

[Caller Female 3]

I like that way of getting the voicemail code.

[Melissa]

Why are you sitting there shocked?

[Burt]

Jeff's like, you'll find out in 60 seconds or less. Okay, okay, maybe 30.

[Melissa]

Good morning, Monica. You are on the Burt show. All the hits. Q100. Don't need the voice disguiser.

[Caller Female 1]

Hi. First thing the person must do is pull up Monica. Have to pull the Monica.

[Jen]

What do you mean?

[Caller Female 1]

Monica? As in the song. So gone. Drives past his house in an unmarked car. Make sure you have your friend's car. I go with tourists. I rolled up to his house in a Corolla.

[Jen]

Yeah, right.

[Caller Female 1]

Okay, so make sure you take change out car because he knows what your car looks like. Because he always sees your car. Make sure you're in another car.

[Melissa]

Okay, thank you very much.

[Jen]

Is that what Jeff thought? She was talking about something else?

[Melissa]

I don't know.

[Jen]

You said she was talking about something else.

[Melissa]

411005.

[Jen]

Oh, never mind.

[Melissa]

What's up, dude? Phil, hold on. You got a story to tell? Yeah, hold on just one second. Let me roll through a couple of these. Good morning. Is this candy?

[Caller Female 1]

Yep.

[Melissa]

This is the idiot's guide to spying on your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife.

[Caller Female 2]

Yes.

[Caller Female 1]

Check the text messages on his cell phone.

[Jen]

Check text messages on his cell phone.

[Melissa]

Check text messages on cell phone. All right, thank you very much. We will add that to the list. What do you got, Phil?

[Caller Male 1]

I'm not real sure how this adds into the idiots guy, but Jeff thinks it's a great story. So I'm not going to mention any names as if you can't figure out who it is, but let's just say I dated a girl for a while. And right when we started dating, I kept getting these very flirtatious emails from a fan. Hey, Phil, love the show. Love everything you do on the show, you know? You know, I'm sorry they, you know, put your whole life out on the radio. So tell me about your girlfriend. How are things going with that? I'd love to come see you on Saturday night up at wild Bills. And I'd write back, hey, thanks for listening. I appreciate it. Things are going well.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Caller Male 1]

Come and see me sometime if you want to come out with your friends. I'll put you on the guest listen. Then it would come back again. Well, maybe sometime we can, you know, meet up and get some coffee. Or maybe we can get a drink sometime. I'm just a huge fan. Don't think I'm a stalker. I'd write back and I'd be like.

[Melissa]

You know, I was like, well, if.

[Caller Male 1]

You come up to Wild Bills, you know, I'll be happy to buy you and all your friends a drink one night. Just let me know if you ever want to come up. I'd get another response. Don't think I'm a stalker. I just really like to meet you in person. I'd like to hang out with you. It was an old girlfriend who created a fake email address as a fan just to respond to me and email me to see my responses, to see how I interacted with fans, to see if I would come and see if I. If I. If I entertain the thought of wanting to meet up with this girl.

[Melissa]

So this was the current girl that you were going out, set up the account, and she was texting you as. Emailing you, rather as a listener, just to see how you'd respond.

[Caller Male 1]

Just to see how I would respond. Just to see if I would. If I would fall into the trap and say, oh, yeah, let's meet up secretly.

[Melissa]

It'd be a good way to spy, though. Yep. I mean, you could put it on the list.

[Burt]

And obviously with Phil, it's easier because he's on his.

[Caller Female 3]

Random people email him.

[Burt]

He's on the radio.

[Caller Female 3]

But an office job, why would anybody randomly email?

[Burt]

Because you can get an email. You could get. Like, what if you got an email from, like, a Hotmail account and it just said, hey, I don't want to tell you, you know, who I am. I just want to, you know, let you know that I think you're very funny around the office. I think you're. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Don't shake your head, Jen. Guys are stupid.

[Melissa]

Good morning, Jennifer.

[Caller Female 1]

Hey, I have some advice about what not to do.

[Melissa]

Okay?

[Jen]

Okay.

[Caller Female 1]

Don't ever get the other woman involved. If there is another woman and you know about her, don't try to gang up on the guy with her. It will never work out.

[Melissa]

All right? So don't use the current as an ally in your spying.

[Caller Female 2]

Right.

[Melissa]

Okay. That sound good to y'.

[Phil]

All.

[Jen]

Yeah. Don't use the mistress as an ally.

[Burt]

Who has that story? Is it Crash who came home and found his current girlfriend and the girl that he was screwing around with both sitting on his couch?

[Jen]

Yeah, he saw that. And then we had a listener one time that we, we thought that they were getting together with the mistress and they were gonna bust him. And then the mistress took off with him.

[Melissa]

The intervention. That's right. Good morning, Doug. You're on the Burt Show. Huh?

[Phil]

This is, this is foolproof. It worked for me. And that is to use a voice activated recorder and tap your home phone.

[Melissa]

Tap your home phone by using a voice activated recorder so you don't have to be home.

[Phil]

You can be out on a business trip or whatever, but it will record both ends of the conversation of what's going on at home. It's legal because you're, you're paying for your own home phone. I mean, it's your bill, it's your, it's your phone. So. But it worked for me.

[Melissa]

Where do you even go to get a device like that?

[Phil]

Radio Shack.

[Melissa]

Really?

[Phil]

It's very, it's very simple. It's not that expensive. And like I said, if, if you really think something's happening, you're gonna know based on a voice activated recorder and the conversations that go on.

[Caller Female 3]

And what did you find out?

[Phil]

I found out that my wife was having an affair at her office and also with the next door neighbor.

[Melissa]

Oh, are you kidding? The double whammy.

[Phil]

The double.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Wow.

[Jen]

Sorry.

[Phil]

But it's awfully hard for them to deny that something's going on if you've got their own voice talking about the rendezvous and so on.

[Melissa]

I'm just curious how this whole thing played out. Did you ever go over to the next door neighbor and say, dude, I know what's going on.

[Phil]

You know what? A lot of people said I should have ratted him out. And I thought, you know, what if he's gonna screw around and he's gonna ruin his marriage, he can do it on his own.

[Melissa]

So you never ratted out?

[Phil]

She'll find out eventually.

[Melissa]

He's still married to her.

[Phil]

Actually, I think they ended up getting divorced. Yeah, but I, you know, I didn't want to put my foot into it and cause the breakup. I knew, you know, if he's screwing around like that with. On his wife, that it would, he'd get caught out.

[Melissa]

So, I mean, it sure seems to me like, I mean, the reoccurring theme here is, yeah, you can do all this stuff and this Is what I did. But when I did it, I found out what I already knew. Like you said before, you know, like, you know.

[Caller Female 3]

But sometimes you do need proof, because people that are the cheaters have gotten very good at manipulation. They've gotten very good at lying. And, yeah, they'll deny it right to your face.

[Melissa]

Morning, Burchell.

[Caller Female 1]

Hello.

[Jen]

Hello.

[Caller Female 1]

Hey. You can always use your kids.

[Jen]

Whoa. I don't know if I'm not going to put that on this list.

[Melissa]

Give us some examples.

[Caller Female 1]

No, because, like, if they're legal, you know, they can drive. Because my mom would send me out at night to dig through my dad's car to find out if he was cheating on her or not. And while I was doing that, she would distract him.

[Melissa]

It's awful. Did you know what you were doing when you were in that car and what the mission was?

[Caller Female 1]

I was just looking for any kind of evidence of numbers or pictures, and I found tons of pictures of him. The other woman.

[Melissa]

That's still awful. It's awful to bring a child into this whole thing.

[Jen]

I'm not gonna put that on the list because I don't think that's fair.

[Melissa]

That's an awful thing to do. You don't. You're not bothered by that? Your mom put you in that position?

[Caller Female 1]

Well, I was actually on her side. You know, we want to find out what the truth is, and so I was willing to go to that extent.

[Melissa]

Wow.

[Caller Female 3]

That's still your father.

[Melissa]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jen]

I'm not gonna put that on the list, but it does remind me of an adult child of a father who was screwing around on the mom. And I was actually here. I mean, just a few years ago, was a part of a drive by with a friend on her own father. Which is bizarre. I totally forgot about that. But, yeah, we drove by hotel and caught him with this other woman.

[Melissa]

This is the idiot's guide to spying on your significant other. Hey, Susan.

[Caller Female 1]

Yes. I just suggest that they buy a GPS tracking device.

[Burt]

Oh, my God.

[Melissa]

GPS tracking device in the car, right?

[Caller Female 1]

Yes. It saves money on PI.

[Melissa]

Let me ask you about these tracking device deals. Do they. Is there some kind of like, almost like TiVo type thing to it where you can actually go back and track where the car has been all day long? Or do you have to be watching it in real time?

[Caller Female 1]

No, you just go into the Internet, you put in a password, and you have tracking logs.

[Jen]

So every root.

[Caller Female 2]

Caveman.

[Burt]

You can do that with my. With the navigation on my pathfinder setting. You can set. And it's the Purpose for it is so if you drive somewhere, you can find your way home.

[Jen]

Right.

[Burt]

You know, because it labels the map, but you can do that setting, and then you can hide the route until you need it. So if you were cunning enough, you could set that. And like. Like I said, Jessica's using my car today. I could have set that and then looked back on and see exactly where she went.

[Melissa]

Hey, Susan, do you know the name of the device that you were using?

[Caller Female 1]

No. It's been. It's been probably five years ago since I did it, but they're very. They're very advanced.

[Jen]

Now what I'm curious of the result of what you did do.

[Jeff]

What?

[Jen]

I'm curious of what happened. What'd you find out?

[Caller Female 1]

Well, I did it. I didn't do it. I did it because I was going through a divorce, and I.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Caller Female 1]

And I did it for religious reasons. I had to know what was going on.

[Melissa]

All right, but it wasn't. You were already divorced at the time where you tried spying on him.

[Caller Female 1]

I had to know for religious reasons.

[Phil]

What was going on for religious reasons, for scriptural reasons.

[Melissa]

What does that mean?

[Caller Female 1]

To get a divorce. To get a divorce.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Caller Female 3]

Okay.

[Melissa]

I love following.

[Caller Female 3]

If he really was cheating on her, then she felt spiritually that she could divorce him.

[Melissa]

I got you. Because she believes.

[Caller Female 3]

Because she believed so strongly in her marriage vows, she had to make sure he broke those vows in order to get a divorce.

[Burt]

Tracy got a phone call one time. She just sent me this instant message. She got a phone call one time from a guy who was. Who had heard a topic that we had talked about on the Burt show and needed to know exactly what day and time we talked about that, because he had heard it on the recording that he had from the recorder that he'd hidden in his wife's car.

[Jen]

Oh, and he could time it based on.

[Burt]

And he could time it based on. So he would call up and go.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Burt]

When Burt and Melissa were arguing about spying on your man. And this is. Blah, blah, blah, and Jeff was shooting his gun, and I don't know if she gave him the information or not, but he knew bits and pieces of it and wanted to know the exact.

[Melissa]

Day and time Tracy says she went online. Not our Tracy. This is a listener. Tracy went online under his name, and the other woman started talking to him. Oh.

[Caller Female 3]

So sign on this.

[Jen]

I am.

[Melissa]

Yep. Sign on using his account. All right, so what do we have for our list here? Complete Idiot's Guide to Spying. What do we have?

[Jen]

All right, the first thing that we got was the keystroke recorder on the laptop to see like emails and stuff you do online and guardian is the name of the software Number two was redial on your phone to show previous numbers dialed which also can include the pounds and the codes to get voicemail codes in case they were checking their voicemail at home and then go in and check their voicemail messages. Be sure if you do a drive by drive by in a different car than the one that they're used to seeing you in. You can also check text messages on cell phones create anonymous email account and email as someone else to see how they respond to you knowing that you're somebody different. The don't don't use the mistress as an ally in the plot if you know for sure they're cheating on you tap your home phone with a voice activated recorder get a GPS tracking device and you can do it that way or you can sign on to his IM and see who talks to them.

[Melissa]

The bird show.