The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Wednesday, January 7 [Vault]
Original Air Date: January 7, 2026
Podcast Host: The Bert Show / Pionaire Podcasting
Cast Featured: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and others
Episode Overview
This episode captures the lively, irreverent, and authentic dynamic iconic to The Bert Show. The hosts invite listeners into lighthearted, yet revealing conversations about relationships, sexuality, emotional vulnerability, and the dating habits of both men and women. With listener call-ins, the show explores funny and sometimes cringeworthy personal anecdotes, all while maintaining an openly comedic and relatable tone.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Pet Names for Private Parts
[01:41–09:18]
Theme:
Results from Redbook's annual "steamy sex survey" spark a hilarious segment about whether listeners have pet names for their (or their partner’s) intimate body parts.
Discussion & Call-Ins
Notable Quotes
- “We’re not going to ask you your name or your husband’s name… Just tell us the name.” – Host, [02:00]
- “Russell, the love muscle.” – Caller, [04:55]
- “Mine is slim and hers is roast beef.” – Caller, [06:42]
- “You wouldn’t want ‘wee’ anywhere in the title…” – Co-host, [07:08]
2. Guys Crying – When Emotional Vulnerability Kills Attraction
[09:18–24:19]
Theme:
The show pivots to discussing times men have cried — either at movies or in relationships — examining cultural expectations around masculinity, vulnerability, and how it can sometimes be a “turn-off” for female partners.
Discussion & Call-Ins
Movies That Make (Some) Men Cry:
- Titanic (“Cried for about 15 minutes... I was so embarrassed.” – Caller [11:47])
- Lord of the Rings 3 (“Bawling at the end… I got totally turned off.” – Caller [12:39])
- Rocky (“When Rocky’s in the ring screaming for Adrian… I understand that.” – Host [14:27])
- The Nutcracker (A date cried talking about his ex before the performance even started; another audience member told him to “get a grip.” [14:54])
- Tommy Boy (The bagpipes at the dad’s funeral: “The only movie I’ve ever teared up in.” – Phil [19:02])
- Blow, Ladder 49, Homeward Bound, Big Fish, Eight Seconds, Notebook, Rudy, Fantasmic at Disney, and more.
Memorable Quotes
-
“I just have to let you know, those pet names… are hilarious. I don’t name the member because that’s not sexy.” – Caller, [07:53]
-
“He started crying after Rocky… at the end of Rocky.” – Caller, [16:54]
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“Every woman has a level of crazy.” – Co-host, [25:25]
-
“You get a lot of emotion sometimes that gets into temper… Stay away from that damn tobacco, okay?” – Host, addressing Chris from The Apprentice, [09:39]
-
“Girl I know broke up with a guy because they had gone out on several dates, and the first time that they made love, he burst into tears…” – Co-host, [10:57]
3. The “Backup Guy” Phenomenon
[25:08–33:16]
Theme:
A segment inspired by a question: Do women always have a "backup guy" — someone waiting in the wings in case their current relationship fails?
Discussion & Call-Ins
-
Host Opinions:
- The cast admits this is often true, especially early in relationships. Many women “mentally note” someone as a fallback option.
- For men, the “backup” is more likely a physical/sexual fallback; for women, it’s emotionally or relationally oriented.
-
Listener Calls:
- Michelle (voice disguised): “Actually, I have two. I just keep them on the back burner just in case.” – [27:44]
- Amy: “All the guys down here suck… you have to have a backup line at all times.” – [30:32]
- Sarah (voice disguised): “He’s one of my close guy friends… if my boyfriend and I don’t work out, I always bet with my best guy friend.” – [31:47]
-
Co-hosts Debate:
- Men tend to “swear off” getting back into relationships after a breakup, while women more often have an emotional contingency.
- Some speculate women keep close/guy friends as backups; others say the backup is sometimes just a person on the periphery (coworker, acquaintance) with potential.
Notable Quotes
- “Girls just always have to have somebody, or that they’re interested in… if things don’t work out with your boyfriend, you have the guy that you could like.” – Paige, [27:06]
- “The guy’s version of this is the booty call… no, guys don’t think that far ahead.” – Co-host, [28:44]
- “I feel kind of weird going on here talking about my backup guy…” – Sarah, [31:47]
- “A woman is lost if she’s not interested in somebody.” – Co-host, [31:39]
Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes (w/ Timestamps)
- “Russell the love muscle.” – Caller, [04:55]
- “Frankie and Patty… Sounds like the new morning show.” – Host, [04:45]
- “When Rocky’s in the ring screaming for Adrian, I understand that.” – Host, [14:27]
- “You wouldn’t want ‘wee’ anywhere in the title…” – Co-host, [07:08]
- “All women, Jeff would say, are pretty much nuts.” – Host, [25:25]
- “I just keep them on the back burner just in case he decides to act like an ass again.” – Michelle (Caller), [27:46]
- “If you guys walk away with one piece of life advice today, it’s this: even hermaphrodites cry.” – Host, [23:59]
- “A woman is lost if she’s not interested in somebody, or thinking about or daydreaming about somebody.” – Co-host, [31:39]
Timestamps for Important Segments
| Segment | Start | End | Duration | Summary |
|-----------------------------------------------|-----------|-----------|--------------|-----------------------------------------------------------|
| Pet Names for Private Parts | 01:41 | 09:18 | ~8 min | Hilarious call-ins revealing creative & awkward nicknames. |
| Emotional Men/Guys Crying at Movies | 09:18 | 24:19 | ~15 min | Relationship turn offs, movies that make men cry, callers.|
| The Backup Guy Debate | 25:08 | 33:16 | ~8 min | Do women always have a fallback? Callers share stories. |
Tone & Style
The episode maintains The Bert Show’s signature style:
- Conversational, edgy, lighthearted
- Teasing, but not mean-spirited
- Relatably irreverent — with a mix of candor and self-deprecation
- Frequent audience participation via call-ins, amplifying “realness” and giving the segment unpredictability
In Summary
This episode exemplifies The Bert Show’s ability to create a sense of community through humor, vulnerability, and honest (sometimes embarrassing) conversation. Expect lots of laughs, a few cringes, and the reassuring realization that everyone’s relationships — and pet names — are much weirder than you’d expect.
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