The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Wednesday, March 25 [Vault]

Date: March 25, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & Cast

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show blends relatable, humorous, and candid conversations about parenthood, young adulthood, Lent sacrifices, dating culture, and wedding planning. The cast tackles real-life listener dilemmas and share their own experiences, keeping the tone light yet authentic. Key themes include parental anxieties about spring break, honesty and boundaries with adult children, relationship preferences, and the surprising pains—and indifference—of modern wedding planning.

Key Segments & Highlights

1. Spring Break “Sting” Dilemma and Parental Trust

Timestamps: [01:00–11:01]

• Context: The team revisits their infamous “Spring Break Sting” segments, reflecting on why parents want to “catch” their college kids misbehaving.
• Evolution of the Segment: Early iterations involved parents trying to catch kids drinking; now, more select cases require an interesting “story.”
  • "In the first couple of years, it was just parents calling up, going, 'Hey, give my kid a call and I'll be listening on the other line.'" – C [01:55]
• Featured Caller (Elaine):
  • Elaine is suspicious about her daughter Kelly’s whereabouts on Spring Break after finding inconsistencies on Facebook.
  • Elaine: “She’s obviously not with these girls. She’s not with the girls she’s supposed to be on spring break.” [03:44]
  • She expresses concern after seeing Kelly in photos with an older man, clearly not in Panama City as claimed.
  • She agonizes over the betrayal of trust and lack of transparency from her daughter.
• Cast Reactions:
  • The group sympathizes with Elaine but debates boundaries, parental funding, and young adult independence.
  • F: “She committed fraud.” [08:41]
  • G: “I feel it’s the same way either way; she gave her the money to go have a good time. She’s having a good time with a guy.” [08:22]
• Notable Quote:
  • Elaine: “It makes me really nervous...how many levels of lying and betraying me as her parent, it’s wrong, and it makes me really nervous.” [09:02]
• Resolution: Producers vow to contact Kelly to uncover the truth, establishing a more responsible tone for these stings.

2. Lent and Unusual Self-Denials

Timestamps: [12:37–23:48]

• Setup: Discussion shifts to what cast and callers are giving up for Lent, with an emphasis on unusual sacrifices.
  • F: “She’s given up alcohol...and she’s also giving up coffee drive-throughs.” [13:12]
• Listener Calls:
  • Maria and her boyfriend gave up sex for Lent; they've never completed the full period before. [14:04]
    • C: “How many days were you into your promise to God before you gave sex back to you?” [14:33]
  • Lindsay commits to wearing underwear for Lent rather than giving something up: “I don’t like to wear underwear, so I’m going to wear underwear.” [20:04]
  • Chelsea gives up trashy reality TV, exposing just how much time she spends watching shows like "Rock of Love" and “I Love New York.” [20:59–22:30]
• Cast’s Internal Banter:
  • Bert confronts his own drinking habits, debating whether abstaining completely or limiting alcohol is more challenging.
    • C: “I don’t know how to socially drink. If I’m drinking, I’m in fourth gear, and I don’t have a first gear.” [15:19]
    • D: “30 days is a tough… that’s tough for you to do.” [17:36]
  • The segment exposes the relatability and self-deprecation characteristic of The Bert Show.

3. Dating Preferences: Why Women Avoid Skinny Guys

Timestamps: [25:50–31:59]

• Topic Intro: Bert reads out: “6 out of 10 women won’t date or even look at a man who is skinnier than they are.” [26:43]
• Cast Insights:
  • B: “Well, I could not date a guy smaller than me...I want to feel small with a guy.” [26:52]
  • Discussion of protection, attraction, and societal expectations.
  • F: “A man should not be able to wear your jeans.” [27:20]
• Listener Reaction:
  • Nikki shares insecurity about being “the big one” in her relationship. [31:05]
    • G: “There’s a lot of insecurities that come with that you all. I don’t know about other women…am I hurting you? Are you okay?” [31:15]
• Humorous Moment:
  • C: “I think you broke me. ‘Is generally not a line that’s gonna turn me out a bit…’” [30:48]

4. Wedding Planning—Apathetic Brides & Unconventional Receptions

Timestamps: [32:03–40:03]

• Lindell’s Wedding Planning Apathy:
  • J: “I just want to get married…people have fun regardless of all the specific little details.” [32:59]
  • Unlike the typical "Bridezilla" stories, Lindell is unbothered by tablescapes, flatware, or even the guest list.
    • “You just want to have a party. I don’t care about any…not one.” – Listener Kelly [35:58]
  • Her biggest stress? Her mom’s anxiety, not wedding logistics. [33:17]
• Discussion on Kids at Receptions:
  • J: “One thing I don’t like is little kids at the wedding reception...it totally disrupts just the whole atmosphere of a fun reception.” [36:33]
• Booze-Free Reception Debate:
  • C: “So, and you said something about a fun reception, but you said there’s not going to be any booze there, right?” [37:16]
  • F: “What sober adult gets into a photo booth?” [38:02]
  • Cast jokes about sneaking alcohol and tailgating outside the reception, highlighting the contrast between Lindell’s priorities and typical party expectations.
  • F: “It’ll be a respectful intoxicated (tailgate). I just think it would be funny…” [39:25]
  • Everyone banters about pre-gaming and bringing inflatable furniture for a parking lot party.
• Notable Quote:
  • J: “There are lots of women out there like that. ...Because there's the whole Bridezilla myth, you don't come out and just be like, well, I'm completely opposite. It's just not normal, I guess.” [36:20]

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Elaine’s Parental Anxiety:
  “I don’t know where she is, so I don’t know how to protect her, you know?” – Elaine [10:53]
• On Social Drinking Challenges:
  “If I’m drinking, I’m in fourth gear, and I don’t have a first gear.” – Bert [15:19]
  “30 Days is tough for you to do.” – Melissa [17:36]
• On Women’s Dating Preferences:
  “A man should not be able to wear your jeans.” – F [27:25]
• Regarding Apathy in Wedding Planning:
  “I just want to have a party. I don’t care. I just want to have a party. I don’t want to plan one thing. Not one.” – Listener Kelly [35:58]
• Reactions to No-Alcohol Reception:
  “What sober adult gets into a photo booth?” – F [38:02]
  “You can sneak in a flask...” – B [38:17]

Episode Tone and Style

The Bert Show maintains its signature blend of honesty, humor, and compassion. While they poke fun at each other and their listeners, they never lose the undercurrent of empathy—whether it's a parent's worry, a struggle for self-control, or the pitfalls of modern relationships.

Episode Flow

• First third: Focused on a compelling parental dilemma (Spring Break, honesty, safety).
• Middle third: Amusing Lent sacrifices and a cast confessional about habit-breaking.
• Final third: Cultural expectations in dating and a refreshingly unique (almost lazy) approach to wedding planning.

For Listeners Who Missed It

Expect genuine laughs, relatable struggles, and a few authentic debates about boundaries and expectations—at home, in relationships, and at the alter. If you’ve ever lied to your parents, tried (and failed) to break a bad habit, or dreaded those exorbitant wedding details, this one’s for you.