The Bert Show - Full Show PT 1: Wednesday, November 5 (2025)

Main Theme & Purpose

This episode of The Bert Show is classic morning radio: real, humorous, and driven by authentic listener engagement. The cast—led by Bert and joined by co-hosts and callers—dives into entertaining and sometimes awkward personal drama. The primary focus is on two stories: a bride-to-be crowd-sourcing bridesmaids on the radio, and the fallout from a woman giving her boyfriend a very public marriage ultimatum. Both threads explore friendship, relationships, social conventions, and the unpredictable consequences of broadcasting your life.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Crowdsourcing Bridesmaids: Shelly’s Predicament

[02:14 - 09:28]

• Shelly’s Unique Dilemma: While some singles struggle to find a partner, Shelly found her fiancé but can't find friends to fill her bridal party.
  • “Her biggest obstacle was actually finding women to be in her wedding.” (Burt, 02:14)
• Honest Reason: Shelly admits she’s “so totally lazy. Friends take so much time, girl.” (Shelly, 03:06)
• Social Awkwardness: She’s uncomfortable asking new acquaintances to be bridesmaids (“we've only worked together three months, but could you be my maid of honor?”).
• Beggars Can't Be Choosers: Shelly is open but sets basic requirements: pleasant personality, no divas or serial killers, and must fit off-the-rack dresses due to time constraints.
  • “No serial killers, you know, no divas... dresses have got to come off the rack at this point.” (Shelly, 05:08)
• Desire for Representation: She would prefer bridesmaids from a similar background for comfort.
  • “If I could find somebody that was in the same race I am, I’m black... then they wouldn’t necessarily stick out.” (Shelly, 05:39)
• Radio as Solution: The show turns Shelly’s need into an on-air contest/call-in, screening potential bridesmaids live.

Notable Moments & Quotes

• “It's like Rent a Bridesmaid.” (Burt, 06:22)
• Amazing speed: Two callers (Leslie and Camille) pass on-the-spot screening—including the tradition quiz and sample wedding toasts.
  • “Name something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.” (Jen, 07:10)
  • “Something blue could be her panties.” (Leslie, 07:16)
• Shelly is genuinely surprised at the positive response: “I'm really surprised that I actually got any responses. That's so cool.” (Shelly, 09:23)

2. The Great Ultimatum: Love, Pressure, and Broadcast Breakups

[09:28 - 29:00]

• Setting it Up: Bert shares that sometimes ultimatums work—his wife Stacy gave him one, prompting their marriage.
  • “She said, you are in love with me and you are marrying me. Boy.” (Burt, 10:26)
• The Call-In Story (Lena’s Ultimatum):
  • Lena gave her boyfriend Ryan a marriage ultimatum—after only three months of dating!
    • “I just told him... it's been three months, things are really good...I want you to ask me to marry you or just don't call me anymore.” (Lena, 13:04)
  • She openly admits she’s “dating down”: “He's a nice guy, but he's not a good looking guy, so it's not like he's gonna do any better.” (Lena, 11:29)
  • She’s already made changes to Ryan (new soap, hair advice).
  • Lena is unashamed of her methods, “We change you guys. That's what we do.” (Lena, 12:54)
• Results:
  • The hosts and listeners express disbelief and concern at Lena’s approach.
  • Valentine’s Day Outcome:
    • “He didn’t come. He just didn’t show up.” (Lena, 17:07)
    • Lena claims the radio ruined her relationship, but hosts and callers gently (and not so gently) call her out for on-air comments about Ryan’s looks and the public ultimatum.
  • Listener Reactions:
    • Keisha: “Friday I prayed that he did not call her ever again in life. And God do answer prayers. She got exactly what she deserved.” (Keisha, 19:12)
    • Laura: “Even if your boyfriend is not the most...handsome man in the world, he should be beautiful to you. You supposedly want to marry this man. I think you’re ridiculous and I think you’re petty, and maybe you should go look under a rock for your next boyfriend because that’s where you belong.” (Laura, 20:08)
• Ryan’s Side:
  • Ryan calls in and clears up the story:
    • He was surprised by the ultimatum and never planned to propose.
    • He learned about the ultimatum by hearing it on the radio.
    • “It's a restraining order waiting to happen.” (Ryan, 22:04)
    • “She’s a good-looking...she’s good looking...but she’s kind of a strange girl. I realize that now.” (Ryan, 21:06 & 21:11)
    • Adds humor: “Well, man, I may be ugly, but at least I don’t fart in my sleep, you know?” (Ryan, 24:30)
  • Listeners praise Ryan for dodging the bullet and joke about setting him up now that he’s single.
  • Lois, a passionate caller, cheers Ryan: “If you were my son, I would be high five the whole...She's a gold digger, that's all there was to it…Keep your bank account intact. You go, and there are plenty of great, decent girls out there.” (Lois, 26:54)

Memorable Quotes

• “Men need to be given a little push.” (Lena, 18:23)
• “Everybody is like, blah, blah, blah, you're right.” (Lena, 20:35)
• “One will come along very quickly. They’re like buses. Goodbye.” (Lena, 20:47)
• “People have been emailing us now for a week going, you guys gotta find that guy.” (Burt, 27:59)

Notable Quotes by Segment (with Timestamps)

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|-------| | 03:06 | Shelly | “I am so totally lazy. Friends take so much time, girl.” | | 05:08 | Shelly | “If she's got a decent personality. No serial killers, you know, no divas.” | | 06:22 | Burt | "It's like Rent a Bridesmaid." | | 07:16 | Leslie (Caller) | "Something blue could be her panties." | | 09:23 | Shelly | "I'm really surprised that I actually got any responses. That's so cool." | | 10:26 | Bert | "She said, you are in love with me and you are marrying me. Boy." | | 13:04 | Lena | "I want you to ask me to marry you or just don't call me anymore." | | 17:07 | Lena | "And he didn't come." | | 19:12 | Keisha (Caller) | "Friday I prayed that he did not call her ever again in life. And God do answer prayers." | | 20:08 | Laura (Caller) | "Even if your boyfriend is not the most...handsome man in the world, he should be beautiful to you." | | 22:04 | Ryan | "It's a restraining order waiting to happen." | | 24:30 | Ryan | "Well, man, I may be ugly, but at least I don't fart in my sleep, you know?" | | 26:54 | Lois (Caller) | "If you were my son, I would be high five the whole...She's a gold digger, that's all there was to it...Keep your bank account intact." |

Timestamps for Key Segments

02:14 - 09:28 — Shelly crowdsources her bridal party
09:28 - 16:48 — Lena gives a three-month boyfriend an ultimatum, tells all on air
16:48 - 20:47 — Lena’s Valentine’s Day debacle and public fallout
20:47 - 29:00 — Ryan’s side of the story and show-wide reactions

Tone & Language

The episode’s tone is playful, authentic, and occasionally blunt. The hosts and callers don’t shy away from teasing, calling out cringeworthy behaviour, or simply sharing honest emotional reactions. There's a strong sense of community and humor, even as the segments occasionally tumble into lighthearted absurdity or pointed critiques.

Final Thoughts

This episode delivers classic Bert Show appeal: turning real-life dilemmas into laugh-out-loud morning entertainment with participatory bits, bold opinions, and moments of surprising sincerity. Whether you relate to Shelly’s awkwardness over friendships or Lena’s too-soon ultimatum, the episode is a memorable ride through the realities (and pitfalls) of relationships in the age of oversharing.

Missed the episode? You’ll feel like you were there—and be glad you weren’t in the hot seat!