The Bert Show

Episode: Full Show PT 2: Friday, December 12 [Vault]
Date: December 12, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives deep into two classic, highly relatable Bert Show themes: the messy nature of dating and relationships, and the ongoing quest for self-improvement (or at least surviving "boot camp" fitness challenges). Listeners are treated to candid confessions and on-air interventions from the cast, a relationship conundrum involving a surprising VHS tape, advice from both experts and listeners, and a trademark Bert Show prank. Expect plenty of laughs, sharp banter, blunt honesty, and some unexpectedly raw moments.

Segment 1: The Case of Phil’s “No Game” and the Boot Camp Challenge

Phil’s Romantic Woes (05:32 – 17:15)

Key Points:

• The crew pokes fun at Phil’s infamous lack of romantic “game.” Phil admits he’s never actually asked anyone out, instead relying on being so charming women make the first move.
• Phil shares profound insecurity rooted in his overweight teenage years. He describes always wearing his T-shirt during intimacy:
  • Phil: "I've never been intimate with a woman without my T-shirt on." (16:13)
  • The team teases, but also assesses: his avoidance is due to lingering body image issues.

Memorable Quotes:

• Phil: “Charming people till they ask me out… Because I am so uncomfortable with rejection… I will push, push, push until she asks me out.” (07:12)
• Cast, teasing Phil: “He is a chick… Has anyone in this room seen his penis? … We've got a woman on our hands.” (12:50)

Insights:

• Instead of just teasing, the team recognizes body image and self-esteem are real hurdles for Phil.
• They attempt to get Phil a life coach, but (jokingly) even the coach “turned him down.”
  • Bert: “He got rejected by a life coach. Dude, life is good.” (13:57)

Boot Camp Solution: Introducing Corey Waller (17:15 – 34:40)

Key Points:

• Enter Corey Waller, fitness trainer/owner at Eclipse 101 Personal Fitness, who is about to put Phil through an 8-week “Bring Your Jeans” boot camp.
• The premise: participants bring a pair of jeans they used to fit into (“maybe a size too small now”), with the goal to fit back in by the end.
• Corey’s credentials, boot camp details, and cast jokes about “women’s jeans” and Phil’s “transformation” are front and center.
  • Corey: "Boot camp is designed for all demographics, all ages... although we will make you eat grass, you'll have fun in the process." (26:33)

Memorable Quotes:

• Phil, uncertain: “I hear him talking, his lips moving, all I hear is, I'm gonna whoop your ass.” (23:17)
• Trainer Corey: “If it’s not hurting, it’s not working. That’s gonna be your motto for the next eight weeks, by the way.” (28:55)
• Bert, on incentives: “Did you hear that? Water is an incentive. They’re gonna kill you!” (32:42)

Segment Takeaway:

• Plenty of playful humiliation for Phil, but also a degree of genuine support.
• The team commits to tracking Phil’s progress, with trainer Corey in studio and real “bring your jeans” challenge set up.
• The segment ends with the squad hustling Phil out the door for his first trial boot camp workout, with orders not to let the ladies “see you sweat.”

Segment 2: Live Boot Camp Update (34:40 – 44:34)

Key Points:

• Intern Emily calls in, giving a blow-by-blow recap of Phil’s (lack of) fitness: “We’ve done lunges, jumping jacks, squats, 15 pushups, some running, stairs… He’s in a little bit of pain.” (35:17)
• The crew takes bets on when Phil will barf.
  • Bert: “What’s the over-under on Phil yakking this morning?” (36:20)

Memorable Quote:

• Phil, on-air and out of breath: “I haven’t had much of a breakfast, but it's about to come right back up.” (38:29)

Segment 3: Relationship Drama—The Accidental Sex Tape Discovery (44:34 – 1:11:23)

The Story (44:34 – 1:11:23):

• Caller Melanie tells her saga: She surprises her boyfriend by decorating his place for his birthday… and accidentally discovers a VHS tape of him having sex with his ex in the VCR.
• The tape is old (timestamped over two years ago) but was apparently still being watched recently.
• Melanie describes confronting the boyfriend; he deflects, gets angry at her for being upset, and the confrontation ruins the birthday.
  • Melanie: "I sat down, turned on the TV, and there was a tape of him having sex with his ex-girlfriend." (45:24)
  • “We haven’t spoken since Monday. The birthday’s totally spoiled.” (49:37)

Cast Reaction & Debate:

• The hosts and callers are split: Is Melanie justified in being upset? Did she “snoop”? Is it a dealbreaker? The room gets lively and heated, with classic Bert Show gender debates.

  • Jeff (devil’s advocate): “It's just like looking through a photo album... Maybe he just wanted to reminisce a little bit.” (52:44)
  • Melissa: “If the person I’m seeing is fantasizing about their ex, something’s wrong with our relationship.” (54:20)

• Listeners call in with a mix of outrage and rationalizations, revealing clear gender divides.

• A relationship expert, Michael Checkaway, is brought on:

  • Michael: “If he didn’t have the tape… he’d be sitting there fantasizing about his ex in his mind—not the girl he’s with... It only seems creepy because the guy got caught.” (1:05:39)
  • Melissa and others roll their eyes at the notion.

Notable Moments:

• Bert warns parents (with fun dramatics) that the story and call-in debate gets “R-rated” and suggests it’s PG-13 after 8:18am.
• The team fields multiple listener calls, with Bert keeping score on whose side is winning.
• Melanie eventually admits she and the boyfriend are still not speaking, and the cast ends by encouraging her to move on.

Segment 4: Bert Show Phone Scam (1:11:23 – 1:18:51)

Key Points:

• Trademark Bert Show prank: “phone scam” a new Atlanta office worker who is terrified of parking boots.
• Jeff calls, pretending to boot the caller’s car despite his paid parking, escalating the confusion until the big reveal.
  • Jeff as "Rudy": “Are you getting dizzy by any chance?... Because we just keep going round and round and round…” (1:16:09)
• “You’ve just been phone scammed by all your new co-workers!”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bert: “He got rejected by a life coach. Dude, life is good.” (13:57)
• Phil, on why he never removes his shirt: “Still holding insecurities from high school…” (16:37)
• Corey (trainer): “Bring your jeans. We’re gonna see if you can get back in them.” (22:19)
• Bert: “Water is an incentive. They’re gonna kill you.” (32:42)
• Melanie: “I am just like, so upset because… why was that tape in his VCR to begin with?” (45:50)
• Melissa (cast): “Every time he has sex with me, he’s thinking about her.” (56:07)

Timestamps of Key Segments

• Phil’s Dating Insecurity & T-Shirt Confession: 05:32 – 17:15
• Boot Camp Introduction/Trainer Corey Waller: 17:15 – 34:40
• Live Boot Camp Update (Intern Recap): 34:40 – 44:34
• Melanie’s "Sex Tape" Relationship Dilemma: 44:34 – 1:11:23
  • Cast/Caller Debate: ~50:00 – 1:09:30
  • Expert Michael Checkaway’s Take: 1:05:39 – 1:09:00
• Phone Scam – Parking Boot Freakout: 1:11:23 – 1:18:51

Tone & Atmosphere

• The cast is consistently irreverent, quick-witted, and willing to poke fun at themselves and each other.
• Conversations blend playful sarcasm with moments of genuine vulnerability, especially regarding Phil’s insecurities and the nuances of romantic relationships.
• Listener calls add authenticity, humor, and spark lively on-air debate.

Episode Takeaways

• For fans of real-life drama: The Bert Show delivers a no-holds-barred look at insecurity, dating, and the “weird stuff you find in your partner’s living room.”
• For anyone who’s struggled with fitness kickstarts: Phil’s boot camp journey is both comic fodder and oddly motivational.
• For couples: The nuanced sex tape debate highlights modern relationship anxieties—and just how differently men and women process these things.
• Classic Bert Show—funny, honest, awkward, and a bit outrageous, with real listener voices making it all the more engaging.