Full Show PT 2: Friday, December 19 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show: Full Show PT 2 – Friday, December 19 [Vault]

Date: December 19, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show
Host: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & Co.)
Episode Theme: Laughs and Real Talk: When Trying to Relive Your Childhood Hurts—Plus, a Listener’s DNA Dilemma

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show blends hilarious personal stories about the perils of adults attempting childhood feats with a serious conversation about a listener's high-stakes paternity dilemma. The first segment features hosts and listeners sharing injuries and embarrassments sustained doing cartwheels, splits, and other kid stuff “way past their prime,” resulting in both pain and humility. The second major segment shifts gears as a listener (Jane) follows up on a tense story about her son’s paternity and whether to confront past mistakes, with advice from both hosts and listeners.

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Segment 1: The Dangers of Reliving Your Childhood (01:00–12:43)

Key Discussion Points

• Bert’s Cartwheel Fiasco: The host (A) recounts watching a women’s gymnastics special and deciding, at 34, to pull off a cartwheel at home—stone-cold sober.

  • Nearly pulled inner thigh muscles and endured a comically delayed realization of just how old he is. (“It was almost like slow motion … of me realizing how old I was.” – A, 03:14)

• The Walk of Shame: Bert and co-hosts riff on how the aftermath is often more humiliating than the act, especially having to “walk it off” in front of family or friends.

• Listener Call-ins: Catastrophic Childhood Comebacks

  • Phil’s “Danger Slide” Debacle (04:08): An inflatable slide, some “liquid courage,” and a failed flip result in Phil tumbling clumsily and painfully down his own slide.
  • Cheerleading Flashbacks: Kristin (B) admits to recreating an old cheer “toe touch” after drinks with friends. The pain hit hard—and late. (“That inner thigh thing you are feeling … Oh my God.” – B, 06:04)
  • Sydney’s Painful Split (06:44–07:59): Sydney boasts of being able to still do a split in front of her daughter and friends—only to barely limp away. (“I go, pick me up. I can't move.” – D, 07:41)
  • Austin’s Slip ‘n Slide ER Visit (08:12–09:14): Instructing children how it’s done, Austin ends up in the hospital with four broken ribs and a punctured lung.
    • “I punctured a lung and ended up in the hospital for three days on a slip and slide, trying to show about 5 or 6 little 3 and 4 year olds how to do it.” – D, 08:14
  • Nightclub Knee Catastrophe (09:22–10:04): Steve’s attempt at an old dance move (jumping through his own leg) lands him two months on crutches—and lots of shame.
  • Hula Hoop Humiliation: Mae (10:08+) recalls the shame of failing her childhood hula hoop champ skills in front of a skeptical kid.
  • Stepdad Hamstring Tragedy: Heather’s stepdad thinks splits are easy; ends up with a pulled hamstring and a doctor’s visit.

• Reflection and Humor: The hosts sum up how ego can be the most bruised part, more than the body. “It’s hard to accept the fact that you can’t do these things anymore that you did with ease when you were young.” – A, 09:49

Memorable Quotes

• “Last night, my ego was so bruised because I hurt myself trying to do something I used to do as a kid all the time.” – A, 03:14
• “The worst thing about doing these things is getting up and walking away in front of everybody.” – A, 05:40

Notable Segment:

• [01:00–12:43] Entire “adult fail stories” segment is a highlight reel of real-life humor and cringe.

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Segment 2: Listener Drama – "Jane’s Paternity Dilemma" (12:48–27:22)

Setup/Recap (12:48–13:07)

• The recurring “Why Do We Want To Talk To You Monday?” segment is introduced.
• Jane, disguised for privacy, is following up after sharing on Friday her concerns: She had a fling just before marrying her husband; her son may not be her husband’s. After seeing her ex with a child who resembles her own, she’s panicking.

The Story Unfolds (13:07–16:40)

• Jane tracks down the ex, who claims he had his vasectomy reversed for his new wife, and refuses to do a DNA test.

  • “He said that he had his vasectomy reversed once he met his current wife. … He obviously doesn’t feel any need to set anything to rest.” – Jane (G), 14:52

• Hosts’ Immediate Reactions:

  • Kristin (“E”): Wonders about Jane’s motivation, noting things are currently good in Jane’s marriage (16:40).
  • General consensus: There’s a big gray area between knowing the “truth” and possibly blowing up a happy family.

Listeners Weigh In and Debate Ensues (16:45–27:03)

• Should She Push for a DNA Test?

  • One listener suggests simply pulling hair from her husband and testing without his knowledge. (“Why didn’t we think of that?” – E, 20:45)
  • Another points out: Medical history is important, but why “rock the boat” now?
  • Complicated feelings abound for whether Jane should pursue the truth, given the possible family fallout.

• Ethics and Practicality:

  • Bert: “The only thing that news can do is weaken that relationship. It can’t make it stronger.” (23:25)
  • Discussions on whether ignorance, in some cases, truly is bliss.

• Nicole’s (Listener) Final Advice: [24:01–26:41]

  • Nicole argues Jane should know the truth for her child’s sake, so the child knows his true parentage (24:03).

    • “Not only do you … want to check it for your own peace of mind, but you may need to do that for your child, because your child deserves to know who his real father is. … Your child deserves to know.” – Nicole (D), 24:04

  • If everything comes back fine, Nicole recommends quietly keeping the secret, but stresses the importance of Jane’s peace of mind.

    • “If you found out everything is okay … go ahead and go on what you have to do. … Do whatever you got to do to go and get your peace of mind.” – Nicole (D), 25:49

Wrap-Up with Jane

• Jane thanks the show and says she’ll probably try to find out somehow, admitting she just “has to know,” even if it means sneaking a hair sample. (G, 27:06)
• Hosts encourage her to keep them updated.

Notable Quotes

• “Sometimes ignorance is bliss.” – F, 20:01
• “Why would you want to weaken that relationship between your husband and his son? … The only thing that news can do is weaken that relationship.” – B, 23:25
• “Your child deserves to know who his real father is. … She needs a peace of mind and that child deserves to know who his father is.” – Nicole (D), 24:51

Timestamps for Key Segments:

• [12:48] Listener “Jane” story setup & recap
• [14:45–16:02] Jane’s follow-up call: Vasectomy confusion, asking for a DNA test
• [17:24–20:22] Should she push harder? Listeners and hosts debate
• [24:01–26:41] Nicole offers heartfelt (and entertaining!) advice

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Highlights and Takeaways

• Humor: Self-deprecating stories about aging bodies and old party tricks gone wrong keep the first half light and relatable.
• Honesty & Authenticity: Both in embarrassing confessions and in navigating thorny relationship territory, the cast and callers maintain candor and warmth.
• Community Wisdom: Listeners’ varied perspectives balance the hosts’ opinions, showcasing the show’s interactive spirit.

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• “My muscles were a little sore at the time. … that walk of shame, because you realize you—last night, I realized how old I was.” – A, 05:40
• “I punctured a lung and ended up in the hospital for three days on a slip and slide, trying to show about 5 or 6 little 3 and 4 year olds how to do it.” – Austin (D), 08:14
• “Your child deserves to know who his real father is. … She needs a peace of mind and that child deserves to know.” – Nicole (D), 24:51

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Conclusion

This episode masterfully blends laugh-out-loud storytelling with empathetic discussion of life’s stickier situations. From strained hamstrings and egos to family secrets with heavy stakes, the cast and callers deliver both comic relief and genuine advice. Perfect for listeners who enjoy camaraderie, real talk, and the occasional cringe.

Transcript

[Host 1]

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[Host 2]

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[Phil]

The Bird Show.

[Host 1]

So last night I'm flipping channels because I felt, I don't know, I needed a fix for the Olympics because I love the olympics. And for 16 nights, I guess it was every night, I knew when I turned on the TV that I was gonna watch the Olympics. I didn't care what sport it was. So last night was the first night that I didn't have any Olympics to watch, and so I didn't know what to watch. And I had a friend over. We were flipping channels, and then on E, they had a show. I'm just laughing because I'm about to call myself out. There was a show about gymnastics, women's gymnastics. And it was an hour special about, you know, back from Nadia Cominici all the way up to, you know, Carly Patterson.

[Host 2]

Right?

[Host 1]

So last night we were watching this show. We were laughing about how we were stuck on watching these female gymnasts. And I had, you know, made the comment that, you know, when I was in elementary school, all of me and all my friends, we took gymnastics lessons for little while. I didn't stay for very long, but we did gymnastics when I was a kid. And so my friend made the comment, you know what? I was always afraid to do cartwheels. Like, I was. We were talking about how, you know, cartwheels and round offs and splits and that kind of thing. And she said, I was always afraid to do cartwheels. And then, I don't know, for some reason, I Decided that last night was the night I was going to do a cartwheel. Oh, no.

[Host 2]

Oh, no. And you were not drunk?

[Host 1]

I was not drunk. We were not drinking. And I, I don't know, I said, oh, you were afraid of a cartwheel. Did them all the time. I guess I do right now. So I move, you know, my end table, I made sure I had enough room. Toby, my golden retriever, I moved him over to the side so I wouldn't, you know, so I was, I was more concerned if I had room, like, I didn't doubt I could do it. I just was making sure that I had enough room to do it. So my 34 year old ass is doing a cartwheel in the middle of my living room. And the first thing to go, instead of knocking, knocking things around in the, in the living room, I, first of all nearly pulled my inner thigh muscles, which, you know, obviously have not been worked in a while. And so they started, you know, so at first the inner thigh muscles did not stretch. So, I mean, it didn't look pretty number one. But I did complete it somehow. And. But then it was, it was almost like slow motion. And it was a slow motion effect of me realizing how old I was.

[Host 2]

Okay?

[Host 1]

Because first it was the thigh muscles, and then my shoulders started feeling a little odd and then my upper arm started feeling a lot a little odd because I, in my friend, when I was saying this to my friend, like, oh, my God, now my upper arms are getting sore. Oh my God, my forearms, like, it moved down my arms and. Well, honey, you just put your entire body weight onto your arms that you probably haven't done since you were 10 years old and you weigh a little more than you did when you were 10 years old. So last night my ego was so bruised because I hurt myself trying to do something I used to do as a kid all the time. Okay? We did cartwheels, round offs. You know, I sure had friends that could do back handsprings and all that stuff. And so my question, the reason I gave the phone number out, 404-741-1005. Have you ever, as an adult, hurt yourself, injured yourself besides your ego trying to do something you used to do as a kid?

[Phil]

I got one.

[Host 2]

All right, Phil, come on, bring it strong boy.

[Phil]

Over the summer, I told you all about this. I had bought the Danger Slide, which is a, which was a slide we bought at Walmart for. I think we'd had a couple of drinks when we bought this. But this slide was 12ft high. And you literally had to climb up the back of it.

[Caller 1]

And.

[Phil]

And we put the hose on it. And this wasn't like, beach ball flimsy. This was like. You know how moonwalks at fair. That kind of. That kind of material? It is just like, this was a legitimate slide. So you climb up the back of it, and you slide down. There's a little pool of it at the bottom of it that you slide into. Well, we were playing on the danger slide, and I go climbing up it, up the top, and I'm sitting on the back, and, you know, we're having a barbecue out at the Phil's farm or whatever. And.

[Host 2]

Okay, first of all, the name of it should have been an omen.

[Host 1]

Now, is that the name of it, or is that the name you gave it?

[Phil]

That was the name we gave it.

[Host 1]

Okay, you can tell this is a total guy story, because we're about to hear about Phil at Phil's farm going down the danger slide.

[Phil]

The original name, I think, was the bonsai slide or bonsai falls, but we thought the danger slide was much more intense. Okay, So I climbed to the top of it, and, you know, after you go down the slide two or three times the correct way, it just gets boring, of course. So I thought, you know what? I'll try and see if I can do a flip over onto the slide and land in the pool. In the process of leaning back to do my flip, I lost my grip on the handles, fell over backwards, fell on back down the stairs. The ladder that you have to climb up and fall on my head on the danger slide on the ground.

[Host 1]

And the worst thing about doing these things is getting up and then the walking away in front of everybody. Like last night, me, you know, barely being able to walk away from my cartwheel because, again, my muscles were a little sore at the time. You, you know, after landing on your head at Phil's farm, having to stand up and walking away from the danger slide, I mean, it. That walk of shame, because you realize you. Last night, I realized how old I was.

[Host 2]

See, the one that I did it like this was trying to recreate my cheerleading days, and it was drinking with lots of my friends. So I didn't have the shame till the morning after, because with the, you know, introduction of alcohol into my system, I didn't quite feel the pain of the toe touch that I did until the next morning. But it was horrifying. That inner thigh thing you are feeling, and you're talking about, oh, my God.

[Host 1]

And what I last. I've got to do Yoga. I've got to start doing yoga because my muscles are.

[Phil]

Yeah, they got to play.

[Host 3]

Cool.

[Phil]

And you got. No, I'm fine. No, no, no, no.

[Caller 1]

Cool.

[Phil]

It didn't hurt.

[Caller 1]

It didn't hurt at all.

[Phil]

What are you talking about? Hey, Sydney.

[Caller 1]

Yeah. Hey.

[Phil]

What happened?

[Caller 1]

Hey, good morning, guys.

[Host 1]

Good morning.

[Caller 1]

My. My daughter and all of her girlfriends were. Were standing out in the yard, of course, doing round offs and toe touches, and my daughter cannot do a split. She's all legs and she's. You know. So I was like, oh, that's nothing.

[Phil]

What?

[Caller 1]

Are you kidding me? It's like, I've had five children. I can do a split.

[Host 2]

Come on.

[Caller 1]

So I go out there and I go, yeah, watch this. And you know, no stretching, no preparation. You know, I'm just standing there and I drop and I do the Jean Claude Van Damme split in the movie where he's. And I was standing around going, wow. And I'm sitting there going, I can't.

[Host 1]

Take me to the hospital. 91 1.

[Caller 1]

And then I get up. I get up and I go, see? You know, And I'm like, that's right. I can still do it. And I walk in the house real slow, and I look at my husband and my eyes cross and he goes, what is it? What happened? I go, pick me up. I can't move.

[Host 1]

At least you walked away. At least you still have your reputation with your daughter and her friends.

[Host 2]

Oh, yeah.

[Caller 1]

They think I am like the cat. Your mom is so cool.

[Host 1]

But I could see the tears in your eyes as you're walking back because you were in so much pain.

[Caller 1]

I didn't move for two days. I had asked for cream.

[Host 1]

I.

[Phil]

That's awesome. Thanks for calling.

[Caller 1]

I like Mary Lou Retton. Thank you. Have a good friend.

[Host 2]

You too.

[Host 1]

Who inspired me last night on that E. True Hollywood Story about the women gymnastics. Do a freaking cartwheel. Oh, my God.

[Phil]

Hey, Austin.

[Host 2]

Hey.

[Caller 1]

Hey.

[Phil]

What's going on?

[Caller 1]

Not a lot. I punctured along and ended up in the hospital for three days on a slip and slide, trying to show about 5 or 6 little 3 and 4 year olds how to do it.

[Host 2]

You are kidding me. What in the world? How did you puncture your lung?

[Caller 1]

Well, I broke four ribs. Oh, God. What happened? My rib ended up puncturing my lungs, so I had to be on this, like, breathing thing to pump my lungs back up.

[Phil]

Oh, my God.

[Host 1]

Yeah. Oh, God, no. Now, what did. I mean, was it. Was it the running and did you put water? Like, what happened?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, it was in the backyard and I didn't think, you know, to make sure there wasn't anything, you know, sticking up underneath it. And so it was just like a ripple effect. It broke one and then the other, and then I couldn't breathe. And I'm the only one there.

[Host 1]

Well, besides the kids, right?

[Caller 1]

Yeah. Well, they don't know it. They just thought it was funny. Like, do it again.

[Host 1]

Oh, my God. But you're okay now, man.

[Host 2]

That just shows if you're over, like, 11, don't get on a slip slide.

[Phil]

Hey, Steve.

[Caller 1]

Yes. Hey, how are you, man?

[Phil]

Hey, go ahead, buddy.

[Caller 1]

Do you remember the dance move about 14, 15 years ago where you hold one leg and you jump through it with your other one?

[Host 2]

Oh, yeah.

[Caller 1]

Well, two years ago, slightly tipsy, thinking I could do it. I ended up trying it, and I busted my knee, and I was on crutches for about two months. That hurts. Especially if you're doing it at nightclub.

[Host 2]

Oh, my God.

[Host 1]

Well, I mean, it's like I said last night, my ego was bruised more than my muscles. I mean, just because it's hard to accept the fact that you can't do these things anymore that you did with ease when you were young, you know.

[Caller 1]

Oh, absolutely. Knee hurt for about two months, but my ego. Still bruised.

[Host 1]

Oh, exactly.

[Host 4]

Hey, May. Yes, Mae.

[Phil]

Go ahead.

[Host 1]

May.

[Host 3]

May.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Phil]

Hey, you're up.

[Host 1]

Did you hurt yourself doing something?

[Caller 1]

Well, my ego was hurt more than anything. I was with a group of girlfriends, and one of them had a daughter, and she had a hula hoop. And me being the hula hoop champion at the family reunion when I was little, I just knew that I was going to show this little girl how to do it right.

[Host 1]

Because you don't lose your skills. Even though it's 10, 20 years later, you're still gonna be the hula hoop champ.

[Caller 1]

Exactly. Exactly. So I got the hula hoop and I started going, but the hula hoop kept falling straight down. So I was so embarrassed. I said, okay, let me try it again. And I kept trying, and it just would not stay on my hips, on my waist. I was so embarrassed. I was like, what's wrong with me?

[Host 1]

You should say this. Something's wrong with this hula hoop.

[Host 2]

Always blame equipment.

[Host 1]

Yeah. This is not a professional hula hoop. This is an amateur. They would never allow this in the professional circle.

[Phil]

Hey, Heather.

[Caller 1]

Hi.

[Phil]

Hey, Heather.

[Host 3]

Go ahead.

[Caller 1]

Well, I was a cheerleader in high school, and I was practicing and stretching and stuff. And my mom's like, how do you do that? Well, my stepdad, he decides that that Looks really easy to do because I was doing the splits. Yes. He decides he's gonna plop down in the living room and do the splits. He ends up pulling a hamstring. We have to take him to the doctor.

[Host 2]

Oh, and he's trying to be cool. Stepdad check.

[Host 3]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

Oh, my God.

[Host 3]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

That.

[Host 1]

Yeah. I mean.

[Phil]

Hey, Holly.

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Phil]

Hey, Holly. You'll be the last call on this.

[Caller 1]

Okay. I was at a party one time. We decided we were all gonna do things we could do when we were kids. And I was like, okay, well, I can do it back then, so. And we're. We're drinking. I mean, I'll admit that. And my friend Christy, I'm like, hey, dude, like, spot me. So I get down just fine. But as I'm coming up, I have so much momentum, I fall flat on my face, my whole body.

[Host 2]

Oh, God.

[Caller 1]

Yes. It was not fun.

[Host 1]

Now, the difference with everybody else's story in mine is everybody else was drinking. I was totally sober last night, so I don't know what that says about me, but like I said, I'm gonna have to follow Madonna's footsteps and get into a yoga class pretty quickly, because I will. Yeah. I. It hurts my feelings. I hurt my own feelings last night. I was so hurt when I went to bed last night, like, you know what? I can't do a cartwheel anymore.

[Phil]

The bird show.

[Host 3]

If you missed the show on Friday, we do this thing every now and then. Called. Why do we want to talk to you on Monday? And if your story is so intriguing that we have to check back in with you on Monday and find out how it went, then give us a call. And we got this call from woman that we're calling Jane on Friday.

[Jane]

I've been married for four years. Before I was married, I had a quick little fling. This lasted a few months because my husband. Well, then my fiance and I were having a few problems, so it was a little mistake. And this guy that I was seeing, I had met at work, he was a consultant, but it was very clear, and this is kind of the issue, that he couldn't have kids. He had. Had an operation. I'm not sure what those are.

[Caller 1]

I guess it's a vasectomy.

[Jane]

Yeah. And so he couldn't have kids, and this was a big mistake at my time, so I broke it off. And I did get married, and I have my son, and I'm so happy, and everything's going really well. And I ran into this guy at the mall a few weeks ago, and he had a little girl with him, and she was about 2 years old, and I wouldn't think twice about it, really, but she looked just. We parted ways, and I just started thinking, you know, my son doesn't look like him, but he doesn't look like my husband either, and he looks a lot like me. And so now, honestly, I'm just kind of freaking out. And I've decided to call this man this weekend and confront him about this child he has now. And I just need to know if it's possible that my son could be his, because I haven't told my husband this, but I'm really hoping it doesn't turn out in any negative way.

[Host 3]

I just never have this kind of drama in my life, really.

[Host 2]

I know.

[Host 3]

I just don't.

[Host 2]

Well, if we did, she would have called up on Friday, and we would have been like, oh, no, we don't want to talk to you on Monday.

[Host 3]

Right. It's just like some people's lives really are like a soap opera. Hey, Jane, you're on the voice disguiser again. How are you?

[Jane]

I'm fine, thanks.

[Host 3]

Okay, so tell us about the weekend. When did it start? When did you approach this guy, and what were the results?

[Jane]

Well, Saturday about noon, I got talked to some people who had contact with him, got his number, called him, and he called me back a little later, Saturday afternoon from the cell phone, you know, so he wasn't at his house where his wife was. Thank God he answered the phone. So he called me back, and I asked him, I said, was that your daughter that I saw you with at the mall? And he said, yes, it was. And I congratulated him, of course, and said, you know, I'm really happy for you, but at the same time, you had told me, you know, those years ago that you couldn't have any kids. And he said that he had his vasectomy reversed once he met his current wife. And I, you know, was very relieved in that moment. And then when I talked to you guys on Friday, someone called in and said that vasectomies are not 100%, and that did sort of throw some fear into me. And even though he does say that he had it reversed, I asked him if he would mind having a test done just so I could be 100% sure because.

[Host 4]

What do you mean, like a DNA test?

[Jane]

Yeah, just a test. Because, you know, it's not 100% and that now the questions come up, and I don't really think I can rest until I know for sure whether or not my son is my Husband's or this guy's, and he won't agree to any test. He said that he didn't feel it was necessary, that he'd had this other operation, and that he obviously doesn't feel any need to set anything to rest. He feels very confident that my son is not his. But I don't. And so I just don't know what to do. That's where I am today.

[Host 3]

Well, I don't know, man. Do you really want to know? I mean, I guess for medical history, it's an important thing, but. Yeah. Things are going well in your relationship now with your husband, right?

[Jane]

Yeah, they're really good right now. That's why this is just such a terrible time. Because, you know, you make a mistake.

[Host 3]

And I'm a big fan of the truth and all, but there is some gray area, you know, and I'm not.

[Host 2]

Surprised by his reaction at all. Like, I'm surprised he wasn't more angry in reacting to.

[Caller 1]

To you.

[Host 2]

Like, I'm surprised he was.

[Host 4]

He has nothing to be angry about.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

Yeah. But her, like, approaching him and stirring up all this stuff. Like, I'm surprised he was that nice to call her back and all that stuff, because I would imagine most guys would be like, I got it reversed. It's none of your business. Get out of here. See you later. You know what I mean?

[Host 3]

Well, that almost sounds like kind of what he's doing. I mean, like, one conversation I'll deal with, but if you want to come back, forget it.

[Host 4]

Yeah, I think. I think that's a pro. I think that's an appropriate reaction from him.

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 4]

Like, no, I had. Yeah, I had the vasectomy reversed. And then when it gets to the point where she's like, well, can I have a lock of your hair? Then he's like, okay, now you're. Now you're crazy.

[Host 3]

What's your reasoning behind really wanting to know if everything's going great with the family right now? I mean, you obviously love your child. Your husband loves your child. Why do you really want to know?

[Jane]

Well, you know, I don't know that I can actually explain why I feel this need to know, except that, you know, I don't. I guess it's just something in me. I mean, I gave birth to him, and. I mean, we love him and everything, but still, who his real father is seems to be a really important question. It's not something you just want to let go.

[Host 4]

Are you totally happy in your marriage right now?

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Jane]

I mean, everything's great. I mean, nothing's perfect, right? But it's pretty darn good. As good as I guess a marriage can be.

[Host 3]

So you're happy?

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Host 4]

Okay.

[Jane]

Yeah. And I don't want to bring this up to my husband until I know for sure. Until, you know, I know one way. I mean, if it's my husband's child, I don't think I would ever bring this up to him.

[Host 2]

Well, it doesn't sound to me like you've got much of a choice.

[Caller 1]

I mean, if that's kind of how it's looking.

[Jane]

That's true.

[Host 2]

You know, I mean, if the ex is saying, sorry, not going to do the DNA testing thing, you got to back off then. I mean, what other choice do you have? You going to go find him in a bar and pull his hair? Yeah.

[Host 3]

You've got nothing. Try to grab a handful, get all CSI on him.

[Jane]

No, I mean, I will let him.

[Host 4]

Stealing his toothbrush and stuff, right?

[Jane]

I'll let him go if that's. If, you know, he's really adamant. I felt there might be a small chance I could talk him into it. Just do something discreet between, you know, he and I, but I'll see.

[Host 3]

How old is your. Is the child now?

[Jane]

Three and a half.

[Host 3]

See, like, I'm trying to think from your husband's perspective here. Like, if Stacy came to me when Hayden was three and a half years old. I'm so invested in Hayden already, and, I mean, he is an extension of me, and I love him so much that if Stacy were to come to me and say, that's not your child, I'm wondering how I would react to that. Because in my heart and my head, he's still my child. I love him. So there's no way that I could give that up, even if he was or was not mine.

[Jane]

So you're saying it wouldn't really make a difference to you.

[Host 3]

But I can also see the other side of this where somebody would look at that child and be resentful every time he looked at him, thinking, this is a constant reminder of the affair that my wife had on me. So I don't. I don't know.

[Host 4]

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

[Host 2]

Yeah, I think I gotta go with that. Ignorance is bliss on this one. Especially if he doesn't look identically like your ex. Or he doesn't, you know, I mean, doesn't look too far from you and your husband where it's not gonna be something that's real obvious as he gets older, Then just leave it alone.

[Host 3]

Hey, Jane, hold on one sec. Cause people are Calling up. So I'm gonna put you on hold. Cause I can't put everybody on together. Then you'll all be on the voice disguiser. Okay? O so I'll come back to you in a second. Hey, Jim, you're on all the hits Q100 in the Burt Show. Hi.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, hey, first time caller, long time listener. Hey, listen, why doesn't she just get a sample of her husband's hair and do the DNA test?

[Host 3]

Why didn't we think of that? Why didn't we think of that? Why didn't we think of that?

[Caller 1]

I mean, what to think about? I mean, she don't have to answer, bozo. Just do it.

[Host 3]

Why didn't we think of that?

[Host 2]

Yeah, duh, Jim.

[Host 1]

Brilliant.

[Host 4]

That half is smart.

[Caller 1]

Okay, brilliant.

[Host 3]

Thank you, sir.

[Caller 1]

Thank you.

[Host 1]

Bye.

[Host 3]

Bye. That's why we're never gonna be good detectives. We're morons.

[Host 4]

Yeah, but think about it. If Jim was in charge of CSI, the episodes would only be five minutes long.

[Host 3]

Hey, Rebecca, you're on all the Hits Q100.

[Caller 1]

Hey, listen, I think she's just, like, trying to do this for her own conscience. Because if you're practical about it, this surgery is not like, you know, getting your fingernails done. This is a big deal for a guy. So he's had to have tests to see if the reversal was necessary, like sperm count and everything. So leave it alone.

[Host 3]

Yeah, I don't know that I'd want to rock the boat either. The only the practical side of me thinks, though medical history, it would be important.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, but the guys probably had to have all this test done to see if the reversal was even necessary. So obviously, he couldn't have had a child. Right?

[Host 4]

Could or couldn't?

[Caller 1]

He could not have before, you know, why would he have a reversal if, you know, the doctor's not gonna just do it. Just go, hey, let's just do a reversal. You know, I see what you're saying.

[Host 2]

I see what you're predicting. But still, you know, he could have had a couple good swimmers.

[Host 3]

Good morning, Dean. You're on all the hits Q100.

[Host 2]

Hello.

[Caller 1]

Hey, virtual.

[Host 3]

Hi.

[Caller 1]

I was just. I was telling the young man that maybe she should have, like, get a sample of his saliva, like, off of a glass and do, you know, send it into a lab so that he doesn't know he's being DNA tested. You know, something simple.

[Host 2]

Right.

[Host 4]

But the I think is, does she really want to know? So, okay, so what happens when she finds out that he's her baby's daddy?

[Caller 1]

I think it's more so her guilt now, I think because she's seen this guy. If she wouldn't have seen him, then it wouldn't even be an issue. But now that she's seen it, it's going to eat her up.

[Host 3]

Oh, man, I wouldn't even approach it. I'd be done. Morning. All the hits q100.

[Caller 1]

Hey, guys, I don't think that she should go forward with this at all. I think it's a really bad idea. And exactly what you said, Burke. Every single time he looks at this child, he's going to, you know, think about the ex husband.

[Host 3]

I'm not sure that, like, I mean. I mean, I love this kid, my kid, so much that if somebody told me that it really wasn't mine, in my mind, in my heart, I'm his dad.

[Host 4]

Doesn't matter.

[Host 3]

You don't think it would be a.

[Host 4]

Constant reminder that your wife stepped out on you?

[Host 2]

Right?

[Caller 1]

Exactly. But here's the deal. If that's the case and he is his father, it doesn't matter who you know, actually partook in his birth, if that makes any sense. If he's a fire, it's beaten down.

[Host 3]

Now she's breaking.

[Host 2]

And why would you want to weaken that relationship between your husband and his son? You just wouldn't. I mean, why would you? Because the only thing that that news can do is weaken that relationship. It can't make it stronger. So why would you want to do that?

[Host 3]

And here's another one of those cases where there's this constant conflict of the person you'd like to be and the person that you are. Like, you want to believe that your relationship is strong enough to be able to withstand anything, but the truth of the matter is, somebody hits you with something like this, you have no idea how you're gonna react.

[Host 2]

True.

[Host 3]

The final word is on the phone for us. And that's Nicole.

[Host 2]

Yay.

[Host 3]

Nicole called back. Where Nicole at? Hey, Nicole.

[Caller 1]

Good morning. What's up, y'? All? I'm fine.

[Host 3]

How are you?

[Caller 1]

I'm doing real good. I got a comment for the caller, though. For real. On a serious note, not only do you may want to check into it for your own peace of mind, but you may need to do that for your child because your child needs to deserve. Deserves to know who his real father is. And I'm not, you know, just. Just being, you know, rude about or anything, but your child deserves to know. I understand you made a mistake, and I'm not following you for that because everyone makes mistakes. But your child deserves to know. And also, I mean the world is so small. What if the child wind up getting with its sister that you saw later on, you know what I'm saying? Because the world is small. I don't want to put that image in your head, but it can happen. It can truly, truly happen. You can run into a cousin, you can run into whoever and didn't know it and get with them. So you really need to know for your child's sake.

[Host 4]

Now, now we're getting very Melrose Place.

[Host 3]

So you think you find out the information and don't pass it on to the dad.

[Caller 1]

I mean to the. You mean to the dad that is always known? Okay. No, he needs to know too. Honesty is always the best policy. Do not hide stuff. I mean, I understand it may be difficult and things like that, but people have gotten through it. I'm not, I don't know how he's going to react. That's something that she's going to have to deal with. And hopefully that love strong enough. But she needs to know for her own peace of mind. Because now she's gonna be wondering forever. She's gonna be one. Is she gonna be thinking about that forever? Until you know, to the end of time she's gonna be trying. Oh, what if, what if, what if she needs a peace of mind and that child deserves to know who his father is.

[Host 2]

So Nicole, if it were in your situation, would you go to your husband and steal some hair or whatever and get it done? And then if it turned out that he was the dad and you know it's not from the ex boyfriend or whatever, would you just keep the whole thing a secret?

[Caller 1]

Okay, I'm gonna tell you what I would do for real. I keep it a secret. I mean, you know, if you don't, if you don't found out everything and everything's okay. Gotta keep it a secret. Don't, don't be stirring up too much in there now, you know what I'm saying? If you don't found out everything is okay and go ahead and go on what you have to do. I mean I don't me that's what I would do personally. But I mean everyone, everybody is different. I mean, why stir up a bunch of mess if there's no need to. Now she can go with something in her and pull out hair and her husband don't wake up or nothing. Girl, go do what you got to do. Feel that hair, cut it out. Do whatever you got to do to go and get your peace of mind. Cuz she's going to be thinking about that. See, now it's too late. She's going to be thinking about it now. She done seen that little girl and everything. She going to be thinking about it now.

[Host 4]

So now, now it's time for her to become a crazy hair plucking heer.

[Caller 1]

Okay. She better got plug that hair. Okay, girl.

[Host 3]

All right, Nicole, talk to you later.

[Host 2]

I just love how she shoots straight. I love it like she just has the best advice. Cause she doesn't care.

[Host 3]

When you're not an employee of the radio station, you don't have an email address, you can say anything you want.

[Host 1]

Right.

[Host 2]

Tell it like it is.

[Host 3]

You want to get Jane on here one last time on the voice disguise and then we'll let her go.

[Host 4]

There you go.

[Host 3]

All right, Jane, you've got all the info from our listeners. Do with it what you want.

[Jane]

Thank you very much.

[Host 3]

Which way you think you're going to end up going with this?

[Jane]

You know what? I think I have to take a break. But probably, probably. I have to know. So I'll probably do something. I don't know what, maybe pull hair.

[Host 2]

Will you let us know what happens one way or the other?

[Jane]

Yeah, I'll let you know.

[Caller 1]

Sure.

[Host 3]

Okay, keep in touch with us.

[Jane]

Thank you.

[Host 4]

All right. Bye bye.

[Jane]

Bye bye.

[Phil]

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[Phil]

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