The Bert Show: Full Show PT 2 – Friday, December 19 [Vault]

Date: December 19, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show
Host: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & Co.)
Episode Theme: Laughs and Real Talk: When Trying to Relive Your Childhood Hurts—Plus, a Listener’s DNA Dilemma

Overview

This episode of The Bert Show blends hilarious personal stories about the perils of adults attempting childhood feats with a serious conversation about a listener's high-stakes paternity dilemma. The first segment features hosts and listeners sharing injuries and embarrassments sustained doing cartwheels, splits, and other kid stuff “way past their prime,” resulting in both pain and humility. The second major segment shifts gears as a listener (Jane) follows up on a tense story about her son’s paternity and whether to confront past mistakes, with advice from both hosts and listeners.

Segment 1: The Dangers of Reliving Your Childhood (01:00–12:43)

Key Discussion Points

• Bert’s Cartwheel Fiasco: The host (A) recounts watching a women’s gymnastics special and deciding, at 34, to pull off a cartwheel at home—stone-cold sober.

  • Nearly pulled inner thigh muscles and endured a comically delayed realization of just how old he is. (“It was almost like slow motion … of me realizing how old I was.” – A, 03:14)

• The Walk of Shame: Bert and co-hosts riff on how the aftermath is often more humiliating than the act, especially having to “walk it off” in front of family or friends.

• Listener Call-ins: Catastrophic Childhood Comebacks

  • Phil’s “Danger Slide” Debacle (04:08): An inflatable slide, some “liquid courage,” and a failed flip result in Phil tumbling clumsily and painfully down his own slide.
  • Cheerleading Flashbacks: Kristin (B) admits to recreating an old cheer “toe touch” after drinks with friends. The pain hit hard—and late. (“That inner thigh thing you are feeling … Oh my God.” – B, 06:04)
  • Sydney’s Painful Split (06:44–07:59): Sydney boasts of being able to still do a split in front of her daughter and friends—only to barely limp away. (“I go, pick me up. I can't move.” – D, 07:41)
  • Austin’s Slip ‘n Slide ER Visit (08:12–09:14): Instructing children how it’s done, Austin ends up in the hospital with four broken ribs and a punctured lung.
    • “I punctured a lung and ended up in the hospital for three days on a slip and slide, trying to show about 5 or 6 little 3 and 4 year olds how to do it.” – D, 08:14
  • Nightclub Knee Catastrophe (09:22–10:04): Steve’s attempt at an old dance move (jumping through his own leg) lands him two months on crutches—and lots of shame.
  • Hula Hoop Humiliation: Mae (10:08+) recalls the shame of failing her childhood hula hoop champ skills in front of a skeptical kid.
  • Stepdad Hamstring Tragedy: Heather’s stepdad thinks splits are easy; ends up with a pulled hamstring and a doctor’s visit.

• Reflection and Humor: The hosts sum up how ego can be the most bruised part, more than the body. “It’s hard to accept the fact that you can’t do these things anymore that you did with ease when you were young.” – A, 09:49

Memorable Quotes

• “Last night, my ego was so bruised because I hurt myself trying to do something I used to do as a kid all the time.” – A, 03:14
• “The worst thing about doing these things is getting up and walking away in front of everybody.” – A, 05:40

Notable Segment:

• [01:00–12:43] Entire “adult fail stories” segment is a highlight reel of real-life humor and cringe.

Segment 2: Listener Drama – "Jane’s Paternity Dilemma" (12:48–27:22)

Setup/Recap (12:48–13:07)

• The recurring “Why Do We Want To Talk To You Monday?” segment is introduced.
• Jane, disguised for privacy, is following up after sharing on Friday her concerns: She had a fling just before marrying her husband; her son may not be her husband’s. After seeing her ex with a child who resembles her own, she’s panicking.

The Story Unfolds (13:07–16:40)

• Jane tracks down the ex, who claims he had his vasectomy reversed for his new wife, and refuses to do a DNA test.

  • “He said that he had his vasectomy reversed once he met his current wife. … He obviously doesn’t feel any need to set anything to rest.” – Jane (G), 14:52

• Hosts’ Immediate Reactions:

  • Kristin (“E”): Wonders about Jane’s motivation, noting things are currently good in Jane’s marriage (16:40).
  • General consensus: There’s a big gray area between knowing the “truth” and possibly blowing up a happy family.

Listeners Weigh In and Debate Ensues (16:45–27:03)

• Should She Push for a DNA Test?

  • One listener suggests simply pulling hair from her husband and testing without his knowledge. (“Why didn’t we think of that?” – E, 20:45)
  • Another points out: Medical history is important, but why “rock the boat” now?
  • Complicated feelings abound for whether Jane should pursue the truth, given the possible family fallout.

• Ethics and Practicality:

  • Bert: “The only thing that news can do is weaken that relationship. It can’t make it stronger.” (23:25)
  • Discussions on whether ignorance, in some cases, truly is bliss.

• Nicole’s (Listener) Final Advice: [24:01–26:41]

  • Nicole argues Jane should know the truth for her child’s sake, so the child knows his true parentage (24:03).

    • “Not only do you … want to check it for your own peace of mind, but you may need to do that for your child, because your child deserves to know who his real father is. … Your child deserves to know.” – Nicole (D), 24:04

  • If everything comes back fine, Nicole recommends quietly keeping the secret, but stresses the importance of Jane’s peace of mind.

    • “If you found out everything is okay … go ahead and go on what you have to do. … Do whatever you got to do to go and get your peace of mind.” – Nicole (D), 25:49

Wrap-Up with Jane

• Jane thanks the show and says she’ll probably try to find out somehow, admitting she just “has to know,” even if it means sneaking a hair sample. (G, 27:06)
• Hosts encourage her to keep them updated.

Notable Quotes

• “Sometimes ignorance is bliss.” – F, 20:01
• “Why would you want to weaken that relationship between your husband and his son? … The only thing that news can do is weaken that relationship.” – B, 23:25
• “Your child deserves to know who his real father is. … She needs a peace of mind and that child deserves to know who his father is.” – Nicole (D), 24:51

Timestamps for Key Segments:

• [12:48] Listener “Jane” story setup & recap
• [14:45–16:02] Jane’s follow-up call: Vasectomy confusion, asking for a DNA test
• [17:24–20:22] Should she push harder? Listeners and hosts debate
• [24:01–26:41] Nicole offers heartfelt (and entertaining!) advice

Highlights and Takeaways

• Humor: Self-deprecating stories about aging bodies and old party tricks gone wrong keep the first half light and relatable.
• Honesty & Authenticity: Both in embarrassing confessions and in navigating thorny relationship territory, the cast and callers maintain candor and warmth.
• Community Wisdom: Listeners’ varied perspectives balance the hosts’ opinions, showcasing the show’s interactive spirit.

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• “My muscles were a little sore at the time. … that walk of shame, because you realize you—last night, I realized how old I was.” – A, 05:40
• “I punctured a lung and ended up in the hospital for three days on a slip and slide, trying to show about 5 or 6 little 3 and 4 year olds how to do it.” – Austin (D), 08:14
• “Your child deserves to know who his real father is. … She needs a peace of mind and that child deserves to know.” – Nicole (D), 24:51

Conclusion

This episode masterfully blends laugh-out-loud storytelling with empathetic discussion of life’s stickier situations. From strained hamstrings and egos to family secrets with heavy stakes, the cast and callers deliver both comic relief and genuine advice. Perfect for listeners who enjoy camaraderie, real talk, and the occasional cringe.