The Bert Show: Full Show PT 2 – February 20, 2026 [Vault Episode]

Episode Overview

Theme:
This episode delivers signature Bert Show humor and real conversations, focusing on the universal (but often hush-hush) experience of being attracted to spiritual leaders. From crushes on pastors and rabbis to plotting a (questionable) Olympic handball run, the cast and listeners explore topics that blend lighthearted honesty, personal confessions, and group camaraderie.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Confessing Unconventional Crushes: Attraction to Pastors and Rabbis

• [01:29–13:38]
  • Listener Kelly's Dilemma: Kelly calls in (with a disguised voice) seeking validation for her romantic feelings toward her pastor. She describes him as younger, athletic, tall, with a sexy voice, and wonders: "I need to know if I am normal." (Kelly, 02:04)
  • Hosts’ Reassurance: The cast quickly normalizes her feelings. Birch notes, “You can’t help who you’re attracted to, right? It is what it is.” (Birch, 01:38)
  • Listener Stories: The lines light up with callers who admit similar crushes:
    • One shares her dad is a 50-year-old preacher and “the church ladies call him all the time, especially the single ones. It kind of weirds everybody out.” (Listener, 04:57)
    • Another credits “85.5% of the reason I go to my church is because of my pastor.… They don't need to make them like that.” (Listener, 06:28)
    • Several discuss “dressing up” for church and how they subtly seek attention.
  • Cross-Faith Crushes: The conversation expands with two listeners revealing crushes on their Orthodox rabbis, with a humorous reveal that it’s not even the same rabbi being mentioned:
    • “I’m in love with my Orthodox rabbi. He’s absolutely gorgeous, like the forbidden fruit.” (Caller Kim, 09:48)
    • When prompted to name their rabbis, both call out different ones: “Rabbi Reid!” “Rabbi Freytag!” (10:53)
  • Humorous Takes: The cast dives into playful banter:
    • On dressing to impress: “You had a little something a little bit lower cut.” (Birch, 08:39)
    • Communion antics: “Do you ever bite down on his fingers?” (Co-host, 09:11)
    • “Just kind of wrap your lips around his thumb and pull it back slowly.” (Co-host, 09:27)
  • Inclusivity: Birch jokes, “It’s not only for the Christians, people. The Jews are pretty sexy also. Rabbis… Cam, get your sexy uncle rabbi pants off.” (09:38)

2. Listeners Find Solidarity and Humor

• [06:06–13:38]
  • Listeners from multiple faiths call in to confirm the experience is widespread.
  • Notable exchange: “Peace be with you.” (Birch, 13:25)
  • Callers are reassured and encouraged—“Now go get him!” (Co-host Jen, 13:28)
  • Lighthearted closing to the topic: “Go get your pastor, and peace may come to you.” (Co-host, 13:31)

3. Olympic Dreams: The Handball Scheme

• [16:16–23:11]
  • Olympic Aspirations: The crew jokes about finding a little-known Olympic sport to “guarantee” their spot on Team USA.
  • Jen’s Strategy: “Let me find a US Team that is very small…there is no U.S. handball team—men or women.” (Jen, 18:01)
  • Explaining Handball: They debate what handball actually is, with Melissa suggesting, “It's like racquetball with your hand.” (Melissa, 18:32)
  • The Plan: With no U.S. team, “We practice for a week before we go to the Olympics. We're the only team in the country.” (Birch, 21:45)
  • Reality Check: “Our goal isn’t to win a gold medal. Our goal is just to get to the Olympics.” (Birch, 21:35)
  • Competitive Spirit: “I love my country. I love America.” (Jen, 23:08)
  • The playful dream wraps with Birch’s wry, “Your problem is you’re out of dreams. The Bert Show.” (Birch, 23:11)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |------------|------------------|---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:04 | Kelly | “I need to know if I am normal.” | | 01:38 | Birch | “You can't help who you're attracted to, right? It is what it is.” | | 06:28 | Listener | “85.5% of the reason I go to my church is because of my pastor...They don't need to make them like that.” | | 04:57 | Listener | “My dad's a preacher...the church ladies call him all the time, especially the single ones, and it kind of weirds everybody out.” | | 08:39 | Birch | “You had a little something a little bit lower cut.” | | 09:11 | Co-host | “Do you ever bite down on his fingers?” | | 09:38 | Birch | “It’s not only for the Christians, people. The Jews are pretty sexy also. Rabbis…” | | 10:53 | Birch & Callers | “One, two, three.” “Rabbi Reid!” “Rabbi Freytag!” | | 13:25 | Birch | “Peace be with you.” | | 18:01 | Jen | “There is no U.S. handball team—men or women.” | | 21:35 | Birch | “Our goal isn’t to win a gold medal. Our goal is just to get to the Olympics.” | | 23:08 | Jen | “I love my country. I love America.” | | 23:11 | Birch | “Your problem is you’re out of dreams. The Bert Show.” |

Timestamps of Important Segments

• 01:29 – 13:38: Confessions about attraction to pastors and rabbis, listeners calling in, funny commentary.
• 16:16 – 23:11: Cast explores fantasy of becoming Olympic handball players, discusses rules, strategies, and international competition.

Final Notes

The episode is quintessential Bert Show—irreverent, inclusive, and deeply relatable. It offers a guilt-free space to admit “taboo” attractions, validates the callers’ experiences, and spins even wild schemes (like Olympic handball stardom) into a collective team spirit and running joke. The cast’s chemistry keeps the conversation light, authentic, and packed with quick-witted banter.

If you ever thought you were alone in your crush or your crazy dream, this episode assures you: you’re definitely not!