Full Show PT 2: Friday, January 30 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Friday, January 30 [Vault]

Date: January 30, 2026
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)
Episode Theme: Real-life drama, expert advice on divorce, and dating “spreadsheets”

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show brings a mix of humor, candid listener drama, and expert advice—especially focused on relationships, divorce, and a surprising trend: people keeping spreadsheets about their dating lives. The cast and callers dive into emotionally charged situations, with divorce attorney Evan Summerstein responding to tough questions about breakups, kids, and legal mishaps. The latter half of the episode shifts to hilarious and cringe-inducing stories about keeping “dating spreadsheets” to track romantic and sexual conquests. The final segment revisits Amy, a caller who’s been misleading her boyfriend about her children for 18 months—sparking a lively debate about honesty in relationships and parental responsibility.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Divorce Attorney Evan Summerstein Q&A

Timestamps: 00:01 – 14:48

Main Topics:

• Emotional and legal complexities of divorce
• Negotiation tactics
• Child support, custody, and property division

Notable Discussion Points:

• Where to Start with Divorce:
  “Are we going to war or is this amicable divorce?” – Evan Summerstein (00:45)
  Evan stresses the importance of understanding whether clients have communicated directly, and if the divorce will be contentious or cooperative.

• Handling Emotions vs. Law:
  “You have to be able to deal with both the legal side of it and the emotional side of it.” – Evan Summerstein (01:06)

• Unusual Client Demands:
  Caller describes her ex demanding sex in exchange for his signature on divorce papers. Evan quickly advises her to either file herself or get an attorney, stating:
  “Most attorney's fees are probably less annoying than that.” – Evan Summerstein (02:15)

• Filing & Serving Divorce Papers:
  Evan explains to the caller:
  “You can go down to the courthouse, file it down there, they'll take it over to the sheriff's office, and the sheriff will go ahead and serve the papers on him.” (03:12)

• Sex and Divorce Proceedings:
  “Once that's been filed with the court, you can no longer have sex with your spouse. … it would, in essence, prove to the court that you are not separated.” – Evan Summerstein (04:04)

• Child Support with Split Custody:
  “If you guys are dead even on income, the result would be no child support.” – Evan Summerstein (05:31)
  If incomes are different, the higher earner pays a reduced child support amount.

• House Sell & Buyout:
  Courts treat houses as assets; if one stays, they can be ordered to “buy out” the other's equity share.

• Attorney Fee Myths:
  Courts only require attorney’s fees to be paid by one party in cases of income disparity or if one party wastes time/money.
  “The odds of the court requiring you to pay attorney's fees is pretty much zero [if he hasn’t paid child support in two years].” – Evan (08:56)

• Legal Negligence:
  A caller discovers years later her divorce was never finalized. Evan states the attorney has a “duty to kind of stay on top of it and make sure everything is finalized correctly” but changing attorneys is costly (12:59).

Memorable Quotes:

• “It would actually void the divorce if it were ever proved later that it happened [sex during separation].” – Evan (04:48)
• “You can walk into court and say to a judge, … this is what we've been doing for two years, and a judge is going to say, … if it ain't broke, don't fix it.” – Evan (13:27)

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2. Dating Spreadsheets & Relationship Record-Keeping

Timestamps: 14:49 – 25:48

Main Topics:

• The unexpected prevalence of people keeping spreadsheets or notes tracking their dating/sexual partners
• Callers’ stories about discovering significant others' meticulous records

Notable Discussion Points:

• Introduction of the Trend:
  “There are some people that keep spreadsheets of dating.” – Bird (15:01)

• Types of Spreadsheets:
  Some track “hall of fame” women with descriptive notes, while others are strictly names and dates.
  “He had a chart ... the months of the year and ... the number [of women] so you could look and see ... in July he slept with this many women.” – Amanda (16:30)

• Rationalizing the Record-Keeping:
  “I don’t want to be one of those guys who slept with a lot of women and didn’t remember their names because that would just make me a bad guy.” – Amanda’s ex (17:34)

• Women Keep Them, Too:
  A caller, Stevie, who once worked in IT, reveals,
  “Dudes are terrible. Their stuff is always stashed in a folder called ‘porn’ ... Girls always put it under something called ‘mama’s bacon recipe’ … chicks, much, much, much, much, much worse.” (23:57)
  Women’s spreadsheets were “horribly, horribly complicated … they had colors, pivot tables, they had charts ... formulas.”

• Emotions and Privacy:
  Callers describe the shock, humor, or hurt at discovering they were a line item in someone’s “freaky sheet.”

Memorable Quotes:

• “There’s a lot of cats out there in the closet in denial on how on top of their freakiness they are.” – Stevie (24:44)
• “Women’s spreadsheets are more descriptive than the guys are.” – Jen (18:37)

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3. Listener Drama: Amy’s 18-Month Secret

Timestamps: 25:49 – 35:58

Main Topics:

• Caller Amy has been in a relationship for 18 months without telling her boyfriend she has kids
• She contemplates finally revealing the truth, but only gradually, first introducing her actual children as her “niece and nephew”

Notable Discussion Points:

• Amy’s Secret:
  “I visit [my kids] there ... I have been able to keep it from him for that long.” – Amy (25:59)
  She’s fallen for the new guy but is terrified to come clean.

• Baby Steps in Dishonesty:
  She “introduced” her kids via photos, saying they were her niece and nephew. He loves kids, so now she feels stuck.

• Team’s Reaction:
  “If I was your son or daughter, I’d be so hurt.” – Ashley (29:37)
  Members call her cowardly or irresponsible, with callers expressing outrage.
  “You don’t deserve those kids, number one. And when you do tell him, I hope he leaves you.” – Rob, caller (31:53)

• Arguments on Both Sides:
  Jen tries to defend, playing devil’s advocate, suggesting Amy’s approach was a way to test the partner’s reaction to kids (32:11), but Bird and others push back hard.

• Amy’s Next Step:
  She insists she intends to come clean “in little increments” but knows she’s dug herself into a deep hole (35:04).

Memorable Quotes:

• “Being honest just is not an option on the Bert Show, apparently.” – Bird (26:36)
• “All girls are psycho.” – Jenn (20:20, humorously)
• “You just don’t know when to put the brakes on it.” – Bird (27:11)
• “You are only making it worse.” – Bird (35:46)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You can walk into court and say to a judge, ‘This is what we've been doing for two years,’ and a judge is going to say … if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and probably stick with the exact custodial setup you guys already have in place.” – Evan Summerstein (13:27)
• “Most attorney's fees are probably less annoying than that.” – Evan Summerstein (02:15)
• “Chicks, much, much, much, much, much worse ... they had charts, formulas, PowerPoints.” – Stevie (caller) (24:44)
• “All girls are psycho.” – Jenn (20:20, in jest)

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Episode Timeline & Highlights

| Timestamp | Segment/Event | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:01 | Divorce attorney Evan Summerstein answers legal and emotional divorce questions | | 02:15 | Wild caller situation: ex demanding sex to sign divorce papers | | 04:04 | Legal note: sex after filing for divorce resets separation date | | 10:47 | Caller discovers after years that her divorce was never finalized | | 14:49 | Pivot to “dating spreadsheets” conversation—funny, shocking stories from callers | | 16:30 | Woman finds “Sex Document” Excel file with detailed stats and graphs | | 20:55 | Caller “Trey” describes highly descriptive spreadsheet with stars, hearts, ratings | | 23:57 | IT worker Stevie reveals how detailed and secretive women’s spreadsheets can get | | 25:49 | Amy’s 18-month parenting secret: revealing children to boyfriend in misleading stages | | 29:37 | Cast confronts Amy; outraged callers chime in | | 33:00 | Cast debates whether Amy’s “test” approach could ever be justified | | 35:46 | Bird reminds Amy she’s only making it worse, promises to follow up |

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Final Notes

The episode delivers The Bert Show’s signature blend of wild listener stories, compassionate expert guidance, and raw emotional exchanges. Listeners get a window into the legal intricacies of divorce, the surprising ways people document their romantic lives, and the fallout from big relationship lies. It’s real, fast-paced, sometimes harsh but always honest—living up to the show’s promise to make mornings more bearable through laughter and authenticity.

Transcript

[Jen]

The Bird Show.

[Bird]

Evan is our divorce attorney. And as we say every time we have him on, man, if you're just like starting to go through the. A divorce right now, there's a million different angles on this thing that just must be just like your head is spinning. Where do you even start? Well, you start with calling a divorce attorney. Like, what is the very first piece of advice when somebody walks through the door for you, Evan? Like, what's the very first thing you say to them?

[Evan Summerstein]

I typically want to find out if they've had an opportunity to talk between the two of them first before they come in to sit down with me, if for no other reason, just so that I can get a feel for what they're actually going to be dealing with.

[Bird]

Okay, so you're getting a sense, kind of like right off the bat, how big this mountain is exactly?

[Evan Summerstein]

Are we going to war or is this amicable divorce? Or have they already figured everything out already on their own?

[Bird]

Gotcha.

[Ashley]

Evan, is it really difficult to kind of make your clients kind of diffuse their own emotions as they're talking to you? Because I could imagine when you're being very matter of fact about the legalities of a divorce, they usually are offended that you're not taking one side or the other.

[Evan Summerstein]

No, I mean, I'll tell you, the emotional side of it is definitely one of the things that keeps my job interesting. And I think to do this kind of business, you have to be able to deal with both the legal side of it and the emotional side of it.

[Bird]

Do you have a divorce attorney? Nemesis? Every time this guy rolls into the office, you know it's going to be an ugly fight.

[Evan Summerstein]

Oh, I would say there's probably two or three of them.

[Bird]

It's your divorce attorney, Antichrist. Good morning, Ashley. You are on with Evan Summerstein from Hunter Weinstein and Summerstein.

[Caller]

Hi, Evan.

How are you?

[Evan Summerstein]

Great.

[Caller]

Okay, my question is, is there any way to. I filed uncontested because originally agreed on everything, but now I've given up. I've lowered the child support, things like that, and he will not sign. He told me that if I have sex with him twice a week until the divorce is final that he'll sign the papers. I told him he was crazy.

[Bird]

Well, what are you waiting on?

[Caller]

No, I told him that I didn't want to do it when we were married. Why do I want to do it now?

[Evan Summerstein]

Most attorney's fees are probably less annoying than that.

[Caller]

I don't know what to do now. I'm kind of at a standstill with him, because he's kind of like, well, I'm not signing the papers unless you do this, and I'm not doing it.

[Jen]

So isn't that what you charge for a divorce, Evan?

[Evan Summerstein]

Okay, a little bit. Have you filed anything with the court yet?

[Caller]

Yeah, I've drawn up all the papers. I've got the papers, gave them to him. All he has to do is sign them.

[Evan Summerstein]

Okay, so nothing's actually been filed?

[Caller]

No.

[Evan Summerstein]

I would suggest either filing them yourself or speak to an attorney and get them to go ahead and file the paperwork. Have him served, probably by the sheriff. If you want to go that route and be that strong in essence, to say to him, look, this is going to happen whether you want it to or not. We can fight about it or we can do it. Nice, but it's going to happen.

[Caller]

Okay, so do I just. Do I go through an attorney to do that, or do I. I mean, I have no idea how to do it.

[Evan Summerstein]

I mean, obviously the easiest way is to go through an attorney because they can handle the filing and getting someone to actually serve the papers on them. But especially if you've already gone ahead and prepared all the paperwork and everything yourself, you can go down to the courthouse, file it down there, they'll take it over to the sheriff's office, and the sheriff will go ahead and serve the papers on them.

[Caller]

Okay. Will that switch it from uncontested to contested, though?

[Evan Summerstein]

As far as the court's concerned, there's no real difference.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Evan Summerstein]

I mean, that's kind of something, I think, that we all make up as far as contested or uncontested. I mean, it sounds to me if he's not willing to sign the papers, that clearly, at this point, at least, it's contested.

[Caller]

Well, he's like, he's agreed on everything except for the whole, I want to have sex with you twice a week until the.

[Bird]

I don't know why you're being so afraid about.

[Caller]

And I just. I don't know what to do.

[Evan Summerstein]

I will tell you, this is a little interesting side note also, when you'll notice on the papers that you prepared, we have to put down a date of separation. Once that's been filed with the court, you can no longer have sex with your spouse.

[Bird]

What?

[Evan Summerstein]

Because it would, in essence, prove to the court that you are not separated.

[Bird]

So every time that you have sex with your spouse, if you're going through a separation, takes you another 30 days away from a divorce. If that's what you want.

[Evan Summerstein]

In essence, yes.

[Bird]

Wow.

[Evan Summerstein]

I have plenty of Cases where we go to actually finalize the divorce, and we're sitting there ready to go, and the client goes, oh, by the way, need to tell ya, we had a couple drinks to celebrate last week and accident happened.

[Bird]

How do you even prove that? Like, let's say one says we've had sex and the other one says we haven't.

[Evan Summerstein]

I will tell you, if my client tells me they did, we will dismiss and refile it because it would actually void the divorce if it were ever proved later that it happened.

[Bird]

Really?

[Evan Summerstein]

So just there's no reason to take a chance when all we're talking about is 30 days anyway.

[Bird]

Okay, hold on one sec. I got to put you on a different line. Hold on one second. You still there?

[Evan Summerstein]

Yeah.

[Bird]

Okay, Tanya, you're on Q100. You're on the voice disguiser. Go ahead.

[Caller]

Hey, I have a question. We almost did our temporary papers, and we decided on doing custody. Whatever you have on one week here, we're having one week there and. But he still ended up paying child support. He said he shouldn't have had to pay. Is that true?

[Evan Summerstein]

Under the new child support guidelines, typically what we do is we would run the numbers as if you had primary custody so he was paying you child support based on both yalls incomes, and then run it as if he had custody and get the same, you know, the same thing from the other side and then do an offset on those numbers. So if you guys are dead, even on income, the result would be no child support.

[Caller]

I'm much lower.

[Evan Summerstein]

Okay. Then he would end up paying you child support, but at a reduced amount.

[Caller]

Okay, okay, okay. And then we have, like I said, we have a house and stuff that's supposed to be selling it. If it doesn't sell, I'm moving out. Can he, the judge, force him to sell it?

[Evan Summerstein]

Judges look at houses like money instead of looking at it as a house. So if he wanted to stay in the house and you wanted to leave.

[Caller]

The house, the agreement is that he.

Can'T make any profit from it. He can't keep it. He says, supposed to be sold. Now he's saying, well, it might not sell. And I'm like, well, what the heck am I getting out for if it's not going to sell?

[Evan Summerstein]

What the court would typically do in that situation if he was going to stay in the house is they would have him buy you out and pay you. You know, if you guys were doing a 50, 50 division and there was $50,000 of equity in the house, he'd have to figure out how he's going to pay you the 25,000 if he wants to stay in the house and not sell it.

[Caller]

Okay.

So if there's no equity.

[Evan Summerstein]

I'm sorry, say that again.

[Bird]

Hold on. She wasn't on the voice disguiser. Go ahead. One last question real quick because I got to get to a whole bunch of them.

[Caller]

Okay, that's fine.

[Bird]

Is that it?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Bird]

All right. Thank you. Yeah, I think once they get, like, online, they're like, I finally got someone.

[Jenn]

In front of me.

[Caller]

I gotta ask everything.

[Jen]

Yeah, he's not billing me per hour.

[Bird]

Yeah, I can't get that. Good morning, Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning. I was on hold the eternal. You're not taking calls anymore?

[Bird]

Yeah. You know. Yeah. You're on with them right now.

[Caller]

Oh, my God. Hi, Bert. Hello, Bert Cho.

[Bird]

Hello, Yvonne.

[Jenn]

Hey.

[Caller]

Hey.

Okay, here's my question. I'm a single mom. I've been separated for two years. He hasn't paid me anything. And of course, he hasn't filed because he doesn't want to pay me anything. So me with my little brain got on the computer and I filed myself people by myself. I paid to get them served. So what does he do? His mommy gets him a pretty badass attorney, and now he counter. I don't know how you say counter. Claimed my divorce, and so now he's suing me for his attorney fees. Am I screwed?

[Evan Summerstein]

Probably not at all. Where are y' all income wise? Does he make more than you or vice versa?

[Caller]

You know what? I'm pretty proud to say that I've been. I was married for 20 years and I didn't work, and now I actually make almost the same amount as him.

[Evan Summerstein]

The most common reason. There's two main reasons the court would make someone pay the other side's attorney's fees. One is a huge disparity in income. You know, if you were making 20,000 a year and he's making 100,000 a year, and the court will do that to kind of even the playing field so that you can hire an attorney and he can hire an attorney. So it's kind of fair. The other reason is, in an ongoing case, if someone's doing stuff that just wastes time or wastes attorneys fees or wastes money.

[Caller]

Right.

[Evan Summerstein]

The court will kind of punish the other side for doing that by making them pay the other side's attorney's fees.

[Caller]

I'm praying and I'm hoping the judge is just going to be logical, and I'm going to go in there and say, listen, he doesn't pay me child support. I'm not asking for alimony. I'm not asking for bad child support. All I want is what's fair and what you say is fair. For him to pay me and half of my 401 and I'm on the way.

[Evan Summerstein]

I will tell you, if he hasn't paid your child support in two years, the odds of the court requiring you to pay attorney's fees is pretty much zero. But all that's coming from. He served you a counterclaim. And at the end of the counterclaim, he asked the court to award fees.

[Caller]

Oh, yeah, he asked for that. And he wants custody of the three minor kids so that he doesn't have to pay me child support.

[Evan Summerstein]

Right. That request for attorney fees, that's totally standard. We put that on every single complaint or counterclaim we file with the court.

[Caller]

Okay, so that's scared to the heck out of me.

[Evan Summerstein]

So that does not mean that he's actually thinking about getting attorney's fees. That's just something you put on there because who knows what's going to happen. And if you ask for it now, then you don't have to worry about it later. If something came up that would justify it.

[Caller]

So do you think I have anything to worry about because I'm walking in there with no representation, just little old me.

[Evan Summerstein]

I will tell you, anytime you are dealing with custody stuff, I always suggest you have an attorney if it's at all possible. If not, you know, you go in and present the facts. And if a guy has not paid child support in two years, and depending on how involved he's been with the kids over that two year period of time, I mean, the odds of the court changing a custody situation unless there's some facts you're not telling me about are probably pretty slim.

[Bird]

All right, let me take one more call for you then. We got at least have to stay.

[Jen]

At a Holiday Inn.

[Bird]

Tracy, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, good morning. Okay, my question is this. We've been separated since 2004. We went through two years of arguing and finally came to an agreement, went to court and had what we thought was our final day. We signed everything. I did not get a copy that was signed by the judge that day. However, it was filed with the court a year later. I requested a copy. The judge never signed it. So I thought that we were divorced. My attorney said we were. We found out we're not even divorced.

[Evan Summerstein]

Ouch. I hope nobody got remarried in the meantime.

[Caller]

No, no. However, now circumstances have changed. I personally no longer agree with our agreement.

[Ashley]

I settled for now that the judge didn't sign it.

[Caller]

Yeah, well, I won't even sign the original agreement now. The judge signed as that the original agreement is outdated and that we have to come to a new agreement. And so it's like starting over. Is my attorney not liable for that? I mean, I spent $5,000 and thought I was divorced.

[Evan Summerstein]

That's a good question. I would say, first off, yeah, I think the attorney has some duty to kind of stay on top of it and make sure everything is finalized correctly. I don't know if that would rise to the level of liability as far as kind of what to do from here with a new agreement. It's real interesting to me that the judge would say that agreement's kind of stale at this point, but I guess if that's the judge's take on it, then, yeah, you kind of start all over again as far as trying to reach an agreement.

[Caller]

Yeah. So my attorney said that. That's what the judge said. I have not been in court. And he just said, judge won't sign it because you guys agreed on sign split custody, which never happened. She spends four overnights with her father a month. We agreed on no child support. I did all of this just because he was so difficult. And I agreed to things that I didn't really agree with just because I could not seem to get divorced from this guy. So now the judge is saying, you know, no, those things never really work. Everyone's always back in court anyway, come up with a new agreement. So I'm starting at square one. Is that not correct?

[Evan Summerstein]

It sounds pretty much like you are. I mean, I assume the property stuff was already taken care of and.

[Caller]

Absolutely.

[Evan Summerstein]

Okay, so none of that's an issue. You're just kind of dealing with the custody stuff.

[Caller]

Custody and where to file. We live in different counties now. I mean, and I guess technically we still have an open case that I don't even know whose court the ball is in. I mean, he had filed the last counterclaim, and that's what we signed.

[Bird]

At what point, Evan, do you say, get a new damn lawyer?

[Evan Summerstein]

Well, you know, I mean, I will tell you, my goal with folks is if you can stay with the lawyer, do. Because changing a lawyer is really expensive. You got to pay someone to catch all the way back up to where you are. But this may be one of those situations where you just don't feel safe or comfortable with that lawyer anymore, and it may be time to hire someone else. But if you do stay with that other attorney. Either way, it sounds to me like you're actually in a great position because that happened. You can walk into court and say to a judge, if you guys can't reach an agreement and say the judge, look, this is what we've been doing for two years, and a judge is going to say, you know, kind of if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and probably stick with the exact custodial setup you guys already have in place.

[Jen]

In the situation with that, can she go to the first lawyer and go, look, I got to switch a lawyer, and it's going to take him 20 hours of time to do the research, to get caught up. Can you pay for that or I'll sue you? Like, is that an option?

[Evan Summerstein]

I guess that's a possibility. But most lawyers, I guess, would probably say, yeah, go ahead and sue me. I don't have to hire a lawyer. You do. Yeah, but I would talk to that lawyer and see if you can reach some agreement about what he could do to hopefully try to make it right, at least do some kind of reduced fee or something in trying to negotiate the new agreement.

[Bird]

What are you laughing about?

[Ashley]

I'm just laughing because it's like a front row seat. I'm fascinated by all the callers. Like I said, Evan, earlier about the emotions with it, just about how the attitude and this is what's going on. And let me tell. I mean, you know, the head's going, the fist is in the air, and it's just because you don't know anything about their story. It's just fascinating on the outside looking in on just the venom that comes with divorce.

[Jen]

We have way too many smart people.

[Bird]

On the show today.

[Evan Summerstein]

If you guys are ever bored, you're free to come hang out at the office for this.

[Bird]

I would love to observe for just one day.

[Jen]

Can I pretend to be a lawyer?

[Evan Summerstein]

Sure.

[Jen]

Excellent.

[Bird]

All right, Evan, we'll talk to you soon. Thank you for your time.

[Jen]

You got it, guys.

[Evan Summerstein]

Take care.

[Bird]

Bye bye. The Bird Show. Good morning, Amanda, you're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hey.

[Bird]

Hey.

[Caller]

I was calling about the spreadsheet thing.

[Bird]

Yeah. This is initially what we were going to talk about is that Jen brought this up yesterday that there are some people that keep spreadsheets of dating.

[Jenn]

Yeah, it kind of came up on Moment of Truth last night. Not last night, but night before last when this contestant Paul explained his spreadsheet that he has is almost like a hall of fame of women.

[Bird]

Is there a rating?

[Evan Summerstein]

There's a rating, yeah.

[Caller]

Oh, My God.

[Bird]

How many columns are there, Paul?

[Evan Summerstein]

Five or six.

[Bird]

Five or six columns. Have you seen a Federico? Yeah, I've seen it.

[Caller]

It's impressive, actually.

[Bird]

Why do you keep the spreadsheet? I'll actually blame it on my sister.

[Caller]

I do not remember this little black book.

My little pimp book you gave me when I was for a birthday.

[Jenn]

So basically he just keeps a hall of fame of women that he's been with and ranks them and writes little notes about them and that sort of thing. And I have a friend that sort of approached dating. Like she approached business. And she had spreadsheets of the people she was dating, what they did for a living, their contact information, what they went, you know, what their first, second and third dates were, like, where he would take her so that she could sort of compare guy to guy and line it up, column A to column B and be like, well, he took me to a five star. But then this date was like a cooler idea, you know, and she would just sort of analyze it, color coded, barcoded. She married, you name it, she is. Yes. Just married in October.

[Bird]

Amanda has a friend that does the same thing. Amanda.

[Caller]

He didn't keep a spreadsheet of women he had dated, but I was actually, I'd only been dating him for a couple months and I was using his computer in college to do a paper and I had to make a spreadsheet. And so I went into Excel and you can click and like look at, try to find your file again. And there was one that was like sex document. So I mean, he could have hit it a little bit better. So I clicked on it and it was a spreadsheet of all the women that he had slept with. And it was like 50 something women. And he had like a name, a date. And so then I scrolled down a little more and he had a chart, kind of like a bar graph that had the bottom was the months of the year and then the side was like the numbers so you could look and see, like, okay, in July he slept with this many women. Like, he had it charted out. That's hilarious.

[Jenn]

So he was knowing when his mojo was going up and down through the months. It's like, yeah, I was having a really great July.

[Bird]

I didn't think that guys had that kind of organization. And that's impressive right there.

[Jen]

I don't think most guys do.

[Bird]

Would it get really descriptive?

[Caller]

No, he just had. No, he just had the graph. And then in the, in the spreadsheet all it had was like the name and the Date that. That he slept with him. And then when I asked him about it, he was like, well, I don't want to be one of those guys who slept with a lot of women and didn't remember their names because that would just make me a bad guy.

[Bird]

See, I could see a guy, like. Because generally a guy will remember a woman in bed by a where they met and be one thing that happened in bed. So I could see a guy, like, writing in that column, like, I can't say, but whatever freaky thing happened, like, that was that girl, and that's how you'll always remember her. Does that make any sense?

[Caller]

You didn't do that.

[Bird]

All right. Thank you for coming.

[Jenn]

I love to see these spreadsheets, whether it was like, hers or, like, a dating one.

[Bird]

She's the only one that's called up with the spreadsheet. Sorry. Nobody else is saying they've kept one.

[Jenn]

Well, if you have one, I would love for you to email it to me. Jennitalthehitsq100.com I would just love to see everybody's organization.

[Bird]

I would like to know, I bet that the women's spreadsheets are more descriptive than the guys are.

[Jen]

Without a doubt.

[Jenn]

Graphic.

[Bird]

You mean graphically? Yeah, I bet they are. 404-741. Q100. Hi. Peace.

[Caller]

What's up?

[Bird]

Jeff said you had a spreadsheet story.

[Caller]

I do. I dated this guy when I was in college. And, I mean, I kind of knew he was a player anyway, but I didn't want to believe it because he was so great to me and treated me like I was the center of the universe and knew so much about me and was just great. I just loved him. But he wouldn't commit. Wouldn't commit 100%. So one day I was over at his house, and I went to use his phone, and he had his phone set up in this little back room. And next to the phone was this sheet of paper with girls names. And then next to the names were descriptions and notes about the girls. So next to me would say, jessica. And then it had, like, you know, the car that I drove, things that I had done recently, like, just got back from California. Really, and a whole list of girls and all these things. So that when he was on the phone, and it had phone numbers, too. I mean, he called me so much that I thought he just knew my phone number. But no, he had the phone number.

[Bird]

That's good.

[Caller]

He had, like, times and stuff. The last time he talked to me, he made a note of it. I mean, I was blown away. And there was this long list of girls and some that I'd recognized as his, quote, unquote, friends. Now, I totally got. I totally got played.

[Jenn]

I'm surprised he wasn't more secretive about where that was. Well, normally he's, like, sitting there right by the phone.

[Caller]

Well, but it was in a back room. Like, it wasn't a room that we would normally be in. It was like his little office.

[Jen]

Well, you used to be a psycho, too. So you probably broke into his house. He was probably at work or something. You climbed through a window.

[Jenn]

All girls are psycho.

[Caller]

My friend and I, one day. One day I was over there early or something, and. And my friend came over, and we did do a little snooping.

[Jen]

You should have changed the notes.

[Bird]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Like, you should have copied over different notes. Like, had Jen be the one who just got back from California. So how was California? Enjoy visiting your parents? What? Huh?

[Jenn]

I was in Hawaii.

[Jen]

No. When I talked to you last Tuesday, you said you were in California.

[Jenn]

We talked Friday.

[Bird]

Hey, Trey, you're on the Voice Disguiser. What's up?

[Caller]

Yeah, I actually have a spreadsheet. And, yeah, it's pretty descriptive. I have names. I have the freaky ones. The ones that do, like, oral things in different positions. And, yeah, it has a rating. My stars and hearts.

[Jenn]

That is hilarious. So you can search by position or that there's something.

[Bird]

A quick search, like most. I think most guys will either remember that experience by something freaky that happened or a specific body part that we liked a lot.

[Caller]

I completely agree with you. And that's what made me do that column, was because I really like certain.

Positions at certain times.

Like, oh, hey, she knows the common suture. Let's go get.

[Jenn]

Wow. Fascinating, isn't it? I love this.

[Bird]

Good morning, jay. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, what's going on? Love the show, fellas.

[Bird]

Thank you, sir.

[Caller]

I actually had two friends in college. One of them was my fraternity brother.

[Evan Summerstein]

And his sister was in a sorority at the same college. And they each kept a spreadsheet of which one of each other's friends they had hooked up with.

[Bird]

Oh, dude. Oh, that's nasty.

[Jen]

That's like that movie with. Was it Ryan Phillippe and, I don't know, Reese Witherspoon and other people in it. And they were stepsisters, Remember? Stepbrother and sister?

[Bird]

I want to say Indecent Proposal, but I know that's not it. It's.

[Jen]

You know what I'm talking?

[Bird]

Cruelty, something.

[Jenn]

Cruel intentions.

[Bird]

Cruel intentions. There we Go.

[Jen]

Thanks.

[Bird]

Good morning. Kay, you're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hi, this is K. How you doing? Good, good. My boyfriend and I are actually riding in the car on the way out of town. We were listening to the show, and I asked him, did he keep information of the hundreds of women that he's been with? And he says he keeps. And it basically has their name and contact information and the date that he was with him with them. And I asked him why he kept that, and he said basically so that he would know who to go back to in case something happened.

[Bird]

Oh, damn. That was a bad answer.

[Caller]

When we first met and I found out how many people he's been with, I was either gonna flee or stay. I decided to stay.

[Bird]

But still, it doesn't. It's not a real good excuse of why he's keeping them so far.

[Jen]

Has it been worth it staying?

[Caller]

Oh, definitely. This is the best relationship I've ever been in, so enjoy it.

[Jen]

While last.

[Caller]

I'm that last number.

[Bird]

I hope you all. I think you guys should have a night where you, like, just one by one, burn them up.

[Caller]

I just want to look through them and see. Because he said early on he would write comments. He stopped doing that as he got older. I'm curious about what the comments say.

[Bird]

Oh, I bet you are. This is one of those cases where you just got to be really careful about what you ask for because you just might get it.

[Caller]

Yeah, I can handle it.

[Bird]

Okay.

[Caller]

All right, thanks.

[Bird]

Thank you.

[Jen]

Bye.

[Bird]

Bye. You think you can't handle the truth? One last call. Stevie, you're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, what's up, fellas?

[Bird]

What's going on?

[Caller]

All right, take us out. I used to work at a now to business computer store, and we were required to scan every computer for kitty porn, basically, and you would find the most ridiculous stuff on there. All right, first of all, dudes are terrible. Their stuff is always stashed in a folder called porn or sex or Chicks. There's no. I mean, it's always easy to find. Girls always put it under something called mama's bacon recipe or something. First of all, chicks. Much, much, much, much, much worse. The most ridiculous. And this is 10 years ago, the most ridiculous stuff that you thought was on the Internet that dudes found chicks were already like.

[Jenn]

Really?

[Caller]

And these spreadsheets, they were nice. They had the colors, they had pivot tables, they had charts. They would. They would do, like, formulas to figure out stuff on the other side. I remember one time there was a girl that had, like, a PowerPoint thing that had that, like, linked to different documents that she would do for different guys, and she had pictures and stuff. It's horribly, horribly complicated. So the fact there's a lot. There's a lot of cats out there in the closet in denial on how on top of. On top of their freakiness they are, and things you never want to do is you never want to pull the spreadsheet and see your name on the. On the freaky sheet.

[Bird]

Right.

[Caller]

It's like, oh, man, this sucks.

[Bird]

Well, I think we now know why that company ended up going under.

[Caller]

Amen.

[Jenn]

They found you on the freaky sheet.

[Bird]

They did find you on the freaky sheet. Thanks, Steven. The Birch Show. All right, let's recap Amy's story. We spent a good amount of time with her last week. Amy, how long have you gone now in your relationship?

[Caller]

18 months.

[Bird]

What?

[Ashley]

Over a year. How does he not know?

[Caller]

My kids actually live out of state with their dad.

[Jenn]

Okay. Okay.

[Caller]

And I visit them there. You know, it's hard work, but I have been able to keep it from him for that long.

[Jen]

Why?

[Caller]

It's not that I ever really wanted to. It's just, like. Didn't mention it the first few dates. Didn't want to scare him off. And then I just could never find an appropriate time to bring it up at this point. It's more about me getting caught in a lie. I feel awful about it.

[Bird]

Are you guys, like, exchanging the L word and all that?

[Caller]

Yeah. I mean, we're talking about marriage.

Oh, my God.

[Jenn]

He's going to be devastated.

[Caller]

You know, he's a really good guy. I don't know how to get out of this situation.

[Bird]

Yeah. And being honest just is not an option on the Birch Show. Apparently, when you call up, it was the same thing yesterday. Also, that since that's not an option, what else do we do?

[Ashley]

Right?

[Bird]

So I think the last time we talked to Amy, she said she was gonna have the talk with dude and find out exactly. You know, figure out a way either be honest with him and go, look, this has been awful. So she's on the voice disguiser again. Hey, Amy, you're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hi.

How are you?

[Bird]

Okay. How are you?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Bird]

People were so mad at you last week.

[Caller]

I know. I know. I felt terrible. I felt terrible after I got off.

[Bird]

It's just one of those things where you just get caught up in the lie, and it just snowballs and snowballs and snowballs, and you just don't know when to put the brakes on it.

[Caller]

Yeah, exactly. Complete snowball until I was so in so deep, I just didn't know how to get out of it.

[Bird]

Well, did you do anything about it this weekend?

[Caller]

I did. I took my first step. I didn't address it completely, but I took my first step. Basically what I did was I just really wanted to introduce the topic of children in general. So I just started talking about how much I love kids, and I told them that I have this niece and nephew that I'm really, really close with. Well, I just wanted to, like, break him in a little. Like, just get his reaction on that. You know what I mean?

[Jenn]

Did he say. Why didn't.

[Caller]

It was amazing.

[Ashley]

Baby steps.

[Caller]

Everything I could have hoped for. Oh, my God. I love kids, too.

[Jen]

So you introduced your.

[Caller]

Meet your family. You know, that kind of stuff.

[Evan Summerstein]

You introduced yours to actually show him.

[Jen]

A picture of your own children as your niece and nephew.

[Caller]

Yeah, this is them. Aren't they cute? And he was like, oh, my God, they're adorable. I can't wait to meet them.

[Ashley]

I'm mad.

[Caller]

So far, so good.

[Ashley]

Well, that's just really mad because I cannot. You are a mother, and these are your children, and you are kind of hee. Hawing around it for this guy. And it really offends me. It really offends me that you are going to show pictures of your own children to this guy as your niece and nephew. I just think that's so offensive.

[Bird]

Like, what's gonna happen when. I mean. Cause eventually you are going to have to tell.

[Evan Summerstein]

Yeah.

[Bird]

Stand up for your kids now. You've got 18 months worth of lie behind you. And now you've. You've even dabbled in starting to try to tell him the truth, but you've made it worse with a worse lie. Because now he's gonna take a look at your kids and he's gonna go, these are the ones you introduced me to a couple of months ago as your. Your niece and your nephew.

[Jen]

Well, are you gonna tell?

[Caller]

Oh, no, I'm gonna tell him. No, I'm gonna tell him. I just wanted to break it in slowly, you know? And, you know, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I mean, he's such a good guy. Like, my kids deserve to have him in their life.

[Bird]

They don't deserve to have you.

[Ashley]

They deserve to have a mother that's ready to say, hey, these are my children. I'm proud of them. I love them, you know, and, you know, if you want to date me, then you have to know that you have to accept my children, too.

[Bird]

This is so cowardly, what you're doing. It really is.

[Ashley]

Oh, my God. If I was your son or daughter, I'd be so hurt.

[Caller]

I would, of course, start from the beginning, but I got myself into a bad situation. But if I were to start dating someone now, of course I would tell them the truth from the beginning. But I've fallen in love with this guy. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

[Ashley]

Isn't that kind of backwards, what you just said? If I started dating a guy, I would claim my children. But because I'm in love with this.

[Bird]

One, I can't tell him everything.

[Ashley]

I can't tell him I'm in love with him.

[Bird]

I can't tell him everything.

[Jenn]

When did you come up with the niece and nephew thing? And how did that ever make sense that that would be a good idea?

[Caller]

Well, I wanted to tell him this week, and, you know, I was just thinking, what's a good way to start talking about kids and get his reaction and see, you know, if he was like, oh, I don't want to meet your niece and nephew, then I know I'm doomed, and then I can just come clean and we can break up. But his reaction was so great, you know, Now I can take the next step.

[Bird]

You've got to figure it out. Hey, Bernadette. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

I just wanted to say that she is a horrible mother and that she.

[Evan Summerstein]

Doesn'T even deserve to have kids, but.

[Jen]

She makes a great aunt.

[Bird]

This is a lot of the same calls we're getting that we got last week. People are really upset the way you're handling this. Alicia, you're on Q100.

[Caller]

Yes, I am a single mother, and I have never in my life. She is such a disgrace to all mothers.

[Bird]

Alicia, what is standard? Like, when you start going out with a guy, how long does it take you as a single mom to tell him, look, I've got kids, I'm up front.

[Caller]

I've never hit it. It's on the first date. I tell everybody because I'm not ashamed about it.

[Bird]

That's what I said last week. Also, you know, like, single. Any parent is pressed for time, but when you're a single mom also, you don't got time for the games anymore, man. So let me tell you what I'm about right off the bat.

[Caller]

Exactly.

[Ashley]

Exactly. The kid would have to be more important than this new guy that you don't know.

[Bird]

Crazy concept.

[Ashley]

I'm sorry. That was radical.

[Caller]

I apologize.

[Bird]

Good morning, Rob. You're on Q100. What's going on?

[Caller]

Well, you know, I don't call very often, but I'll tell you what this is. This is unbelievable. Number one, it takes a pretty bad.

[Evan Summerstein]

Mother to lose her kids to the.

[Caller]

Dad side of it, because the dads.

[Evan Summerstein]

Never get the kids.

[Caller]

But how do you not tell him? Are you embarrassed of your children? You don't deserve those kids, number one. And when you do tell him, I hope he leaves you. Come on, you gotta be kidding me.

[Bird]

It's pretty irresponsible. It really is, Amy. I mean, it's so irresponsible and such, so disrespectful.

[Jen]

But considering the damage is already done, isn't this a way to ease into it? Because what if he said, I hate kids, I never want. No, I'm just playing devil's advocate. If he said, I hate kids, I never want kids. This is. Kids are disgusting, and they're dirty and they. And they bite, and they usually have snot on them, and they poo, and it stings and they poo, and they're rude in restaurants.

[Ashley]

Nothing good comes out of it.

[Jen]

They scream in restaurants, and usually they're running around and they're just in the way. And a lot of times they're noisy, and sometimes they're just offensive, and they will grab your hair and they'll get spit on you, and they always have crust on them of some sort, and they're just gross, Right? And they'll eat turd if they can get their hands on it from the yard. So what if, like, what if that's. What if that's his opinion, right? What?

[Ashley]

Well, I think a very passive opinion, I'm sure.

[Evan Summerstein]

Right?

[Jenn]

But if that's something that you could never relate to.

[Jen]

Right? But what if he says that? Then she could break up with him.

[Bird]

But it's not.

[Jen]

But if it was.

[Bird]

But it's not.

[Jen]

I am playing devil's advocate.

[Bird]

All right, Let me play devil's advocate square. That's not the situation.

[Jen]

You can't. Because. Devil's advocate. I'm saying her plan might not have been bad because she introduces the niece and nephew, and if he doesn't like kids, then she's like, well, I gotta break up with him or, you know, never see my kids again, and she can make the decision and move forward with one of the relationships, either parental relationship or the girlfriend relationship, and know what she's getting into, but you just.

[Bird]

Wait for 30 minutes.

[Jen]

Fortunately or unfortunately, he likes kids, so now she has to work around it. But I'm just Saying, but thank you for your input. If he didn't, then I think her plan was good.

[Jenn]

Then why couldn't she have shown him pictures of.

[Jen]

It's not her fault that he liked children.

[Bird]

But she should.

[Jenn]

I mean, if. Okay, so say she was trying to handle this. She could have shown him pictures of her friend's kids, like.

[Jen]

Or like Shiloh.

[Jenn]

Right. And, you know, talked about that and then said, all right, well, then I have some, and here's the pictures of mine. But by showing him her kids and saying there's someone else, it's just double.

[Bird]

Stacking on the line.

[Jen]

I'm not saying it was a perfect plan. What I'm saying is it wasn't necessarily a plan.

[Ashley]

At least it was a plan.

[Jen]

Bad one, right?

[Jenn]

There was a plan.

[Ashley]

There was a plan.

[Jen]

She didn't go in.

[Bird]

She did have a blueprint.

[Jen]

Yeah, she wasn't all willy nilly about it.

[Caller]

A little misguided.

[Bird]

Stacy, you're on Q100. Good morning.

[Caller]

Hey.

I'm just absolutely disgusted by this woman. And, you know, maybe that's why she doesn't have custody of her kids now, because she's used to disowning them. Maybe the court said, hey, she's an irresponsible mother, so why don't we give them to the father? Because, hmm, they don't exist in her world anyway.

[Bird]

Amy, what's your next step with this whole thing? So now you've got a man that.

[Jen]

Digs kids, especially your niece and nephew.

[Bird]

Your niece and nephew, specifically, is probably gonna. That's probably the next step. Well, let's babysit for my niece and nephew.

[Ashley]

Oh, you're giving her ideas. She's thinking, oh, that's awesome.

[Bird]

So what's the next step? You gotta come clean eventually. I don't know what you're waiting on.

[Caller]

I am gonna come clean. I just wanted to do it in little increments.

[Jen]

I get it. I get it, Amy.

[Bird]

Baby steps.

[Evan Summerstein]

Baby steps.

[Jenn]

Literally.

[Caller]

Yeah, baby.

And I know.

I mean, obviously everybody hates me, and. And I. I would be thinking the same thing if I was listening to someone say this kind of stuff, but you just.

[Ashley]

It's different.

[Caller]

Anyone's understanding is I didn't mean for it to get out of control. I really didn't. But it did. And, you know, I'm sorry that it did, but I'm trying to fix it slowly.

[Bird]

You're only making it worse. You're only making it worse. All right, well, we gotta. We gotta get an update from you in a couple of weeks and find out how you extended this. Big old mistake.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Bird]

Okay. Good luck. The bird show.