The Bert Show

Episode: Full Show PT 2: Friday, January 9 [Vault]
Date: January 9, 2026
Main Cast: Bert (Host), Melissa Carter, Jen Hobby, Jeff Dollar, Tracy (Producer), plus listeners and others

Episode Overview

This episode is classic Bert Show: a mix of playful competition, candid relationship talk, listener interaction, and plenty of real-life laughs. The show's theme revolves around authenticity, humor, and inviting listeners into the morning chaos and camaraderie the cast shares. The major segments include a wildly competitive "Newlywed Game" among cast members, a hilarious and revealing breakdown of Cosmo's signs a guy will be bad in bed, and a feel-good "Love Lost & Found" session reconnecting potential missed connections.

Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. The Bert Show "Newlywed Game"

Timestamps: 01:32 – 19:47

Game Setup

• The team plays their own version of the "Newlywed Game", pairing Bert & Melissa and Jen & Jeff.
• Producer Tracy shakes up the format with custom, more revealing questions.
• Aim: See who knows each other better, coworkers or actual couples.

Memorable Exchanges & Insights

• Honesty or Not: Tracy suspects players aren't answering honestly and gives them a chance to change their answers—raising playful suspicions and plenty of joking ("Tracy likes to see us fight." – Melissa, 04:42).
• Classic Escapes: Both Melissa and Jen chose themselves when asked "who would your partner eliminate from the show"—a funny self-deprecating move to avoid drama (08:23).
• Inside Jokes: Conversations about the biggest gossip, strange articles of clothing, and who admires whom the most lead to genuine (if sometimes snarky) insights into their work relationships.

Notable Quotes

• "So I bought the Newlywed Game, and it's been collecting dust in my closet." – Melissa Carter [01:41]
• "Who would your partner say they admire more than anyone else?"
  "Um... Millie Pete."
  "Yes, Millie Pete." – Bert and Tracy, confirming Melissa admires her mom [07:15]

Game Outcomes

• The Bert & Melissa team outscore Jen & Jeff, with Melissa's competitive spirit on full display.
• Laughter and ribbing ensue over who is the best (and worst) loser on the show.

2. Cosmo’s Signs He’ll Be Bad in Bed

Timestamps: 21:35 – 36:19

Premise & Panel Insights

• The team dives into a Cosmopolitan Magazine article on "clues a guy will suck in the bedroom," mixing in live callers and their personal takes.
• Wide-ranging, funny, occasionally raunchy discussion mostly led by Jen Hobby and Melissa Carter.

Cosmo’s “Red Flags” and Cast Reactions

• Dancing Ability: “If he dances all dork-like... you know, that guy, he's got no rhythm.” – Bert [23:02]
• Respect & Pickup Lines: Shouting objectifying things at women is a big no-go: "If he doesn't respect you and he's yelling things out to you, then chances are... he's not going to respect you in bed either." – Jen Hobby [23:33]
• Mama’s Boy: "Too much of a mama's boy is not going to be so good... they're going to be a little scared of their own shadow." – Jen Hobby [24:24]
• Bragging: “If he's bragging about how great he is, chances are pretty good he sucks in bed.” – Bert [25:02]
• Food & Manners: “If you go out on a date with a guy and he rushes through his food... he's gonna rush through everything else.” – Caller Tasha [26:10]
• Size Myths: A quick debate on hand/feet size and whether “more material” equals more skill, with the consensus: “Size, although great, if they don't know what to do with it, isn't good.” – Jen Hobby [31:03]
• Personal Attention: The group (and callers) agree—what really matters is paying attention to the partner: "That’s what makes you good in bed, is satisfying that woman. And the only way to do that is to pay attention." – Melissa Carter [35:47]

Funniest / Most Memorable Moments

• Awkward “butt grab” etiquette advice: "Let’s give guys—when should he be doing this? Because, you know, some guys think, 'I'll just touch your butt and show how good in bed I am.'" – Melissa Carter [28:01]
• Listener hilariously debunks Cosmo’s list by stating her partner ticks every bad box but defies expectations: "He's an extremely fast eater. He's a mama's boy. ... But once you put him in bed, hours..." – Caller Ashley [32:03]

3. Love Lost & Found: Darren and Miranda

Timestamps: 37:57 – 49:10

Segment Outline

• The team follows up on “Love Lost & Found,” a recurring bit helping listeners reconnect with missed connections.
• Listener Darren seeks Miranda, a woman he felt instant chemistry with but didn’t get contact info for.

The Story Unfolds

• Listener Network: People call in to help identify Miranda—her workplace, description, friends, and past (her ex was out of state).
• The Reunion Live: Miranda comes on air, apologizes for not remembering Darren due to both being intoxicated at their first meeting (and her then-boyfriend).
• Potential Spark?
  • Miranda is now single, open to a date, and agrees to take Darren’s number for a follow-up ("Would you be interested in going out with Darren?" — "Of course. He sounds really sweet." – Melissa & Miranda, 44:45).
  • Playful ribbing ensues over the awkwardness, with the cast offering supportive (and not-so-supportive) commentary.

Notable Quotes

• “I am so sorry. I do not [remember you].” – Miranda, candidly [43:51]
• “At least you got a little closure on that.” – Bert, as the story wraps up [48:25]

Additional Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On “Hoe number” and Sex History:
  • “If a lot of girls get close to that number, they start sleeping with ex-boyfriends just so they can stay under that number.” – Bert [21:48]
• Competitive Banter:
  • “You’ll have to live with this loss your whole life.” – Bert to Jen Hobby after the Newlywed Game [19:21]
• Work-Life Truths:
  • “This schedule sucks.” – Jen Hobby, on early morning radio [09:13]

Tone & Language

• Upbeat, candid, informal—and often teasing, with the personalities cutting loose in fast, playful banter.
• The humor is cheeky and sometimes leans into innuendo, but the cast keeps things generally light and self-aware.

Conclusion

A quintessential Bert Show morning: friendly competition, honest (and occasionally embarrassing) relationship talk, audience engagement in “Love Lost & Found,” and a real sense of camaraderie and fun—the kind that makes mornings, as promised, a little more bearable and a lot more entertaining.

Segment Timestamps

• Newlywed Game: 01:32 – 19:47
• Cosmo “Bad in Bed” Segment: 21:35 – 36:19
• Love Lost & Found: 37:57 – 49:10