Full Show PT 2: Friday, July 31 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Friday, July 31 [Vault]

Date: July 31, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and team

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around authentic, humorous conversation as the crew delves into personal insecurities, especially related to stereotypical “man skills,” parental relationships, and the hilarities of adult life. The highlight is Bert’s on-air challenge to change a tire, resulting in an unexpected lesson about modern cars missing spare tires. The episode seamlessly blends lighthearted banter with moments of genuine vulnerability.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Tire Challenge: Facing “Man Card” Stereotypes

• Setup (01:32-05:57):

  • Bert confesses he’s never changed a tire, sparking jokes about gender roles and expectations.
  • The team debates the pressures men face to be “handy.” Bert admits:

    “I don’t know how to change a tire. I’ve never changed a tire before.” (01:39, Bert)

  • Melissa notes pressure:

    “Depending on which gender you are, there’s pressure to have done or to do certain things.” (02:13, Melissa)

  • The challenge is laid: Bert will attempt to change his car’s tire during the show.

• Attempt and Obstacles (05:57-13:12):

  • Bert tries to follow the manual, struggles to even locate the spare and tools.
  • The team jokes about how lost Bert is, but admit many wouldn’t know what to do either.
  • Bert’s anxiety is clear:

    “It’s humiliating…Stacey’s underneath [the car]…I’m on the sidelines just feeling like a real tool.” (05:26, Bert)

  • Rhett reports from the parking lot; Bert finds neither jack nor spare in his trunk.
  • Confusion ensues—is it user error or just a weird modern car feature?
  • Melissa reflects on the double-standard:

    “That is one conversation a woman can have: ‘I don’t know how to change a tire…’ and nobody’s gonna criticize me for that.” (06:10, Melissa)

• Resolution and Learning Moment (13:12-19:30):

  • Confirmation: Bert’s Nissan 370Z legitimately has no spare or jack.

    “Some models don’t have a spare because it even says it in the manual.” (12:32, Bert)

  • Listeners and Dustin from Team Nissan clarify: newer sports cars use run-flat tires; not all cars come with spares these days.
  • Bert’s relief and embarrassment overlap:

    “If that tire is somewhere on the bottom of the car and I couldn’t find it, you have permission to give me as much crap as you want for as long as you want.” (19:06, Bert)

  • Team jokes about who would feel more humiliated if Melissa—especially as a woman—found the missing spare.

2. Parental Relationships: Bert Opens Up

• Mother’s Day Callback (19:35-25:16):
  • Listener Olivia checks if Bert reconciled with his estranged mom for Mother’s Day.
  • Bert shares candidly about their strained relationship, the lack of maternal affection in childhood, and the emotional baggage it causes now.

    “There are so few that actually went through the kind of childhood that I did where…there was no connection. There was no I love you…So why would I have a connection as an adult?” (20:09, Bert)

  • Bert debates whether to open a letter from his mother, not wanting to risk emotional fallout during a month “full of great things”—his wife’s birthday, their anniversary, and his child’s birthday.
  • Melissa encourages him:

    “You’ve carved out a different life for yourself. So celebrate it, June. Deal with her [your mom]…” (23:21, Ed)

3. Bike Buying Misadventures and Comedic Self-Deprecation

• Jeff’s Enormous Head Dilemma (25:16-31:13):
  • Jeff shares his recent impulse purchase of a bike and the realization he’ll need a helmet—cue jokes about his unusually large head.
  • The team riffs on hat sizes and past on-air attempts at sizing Jeff’s noggin, culminating in speculation that “custom” is his only helmet option.
  • Jeff laments:

    “I have a big head. Not ego wise…Just physically, large noggin.” (27:31, Jeff)

  • The crew recalls a previous segment weighing everyone’s heads, with Jeff’s coming in “off the charts.”
  • Plans are made to measure his head on air, promising more laughs in the future.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I know the right pedal makes it go fast and the left pedal will slow you down. And that’s it.”
  —Bert (02:26)

• “If I can’t find a tire and it’s on this car somewhere, I will never live it down.” —Bert (15:54)

• “You’ve carved out a different life for yourself. So celebrate it, June. Deal with her…” —Ed to Bert about his mom (23:21)

• “I have a big head…Just physically, large noggin.” —Jeff (27:34)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:32 – 05:59: Bert confesses and accepts the tire change challenge
• 08:37 – 13:12: Live updates as Bert searches for spare/jack; discovery of missing tools
• 13:12 – 19:30: Realization about run-flat tires, dealership clarification, and lingering embarrassment
• 19:35 – 25:16: Bert’s complex relationship with his mother, listener empathy, and group advice
• 25:16 – 31:13: Jeff’s helmet dilemma, big head jokes, and memories from early show antics

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Overall Tone & Style

The episode is authentic, playful, and self-deprecating. The hosts maintain their usual warmth and camaraderie, tackling everything from car troubles to family drama and physical insecurities with humor and heart. Vulnerability is met with support and gentle ribbing, making the show relatable and entertaining.

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For listeners who missed it:
This episode is a quintessential Bert Show mix of real-life challenges, relatable mortifications, and laugh-out-loud group chemistry. From learning that your brand-new car might not actually come with a spare tire, to facing up to tough parental relationships, and the eternal struggle to find a helmet big enough for your head—the episode has both levity and substance.

Transcript

[Lisa]

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[Sleep Number Announcer]

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[Show Producer]

It's the virtual.

[Bert]

These are times where I have to remember that, look, I'm married. I'm not single. I don't need to impress anybody. I'm having sex with one person. It doesn't matter if you guys think I'm a wuss or not. Yeah, I don't know how to change a tire. I've never changed a tire before.

[Ed]

Never? Not even an attempt.

[Bert]

Well, I told you guys yesterday, I took like this class before I went to get my, to get my driver's license in California when I was like 16. My parents thought it would be a good idea, which I think it is, to go and take a basic automobile maintenance class. Absolutely. So I did that for like three weeks. And they taught you how to like, change battery and change oil. Change a tire. That was when I was 18. That was like six years ago, though. So I don't, I don't remember that so much anymore.

[Melissa]

Well, this is certainly a case of gender pressure. Because I do think, depending on which gender you are, there's pressure to have done or to do certain things. And I think for a guy, any kind of car, anything. Yes, there's pressure for a guy to know everything there is to know about automobiles.

[Bert]

Look at, this is what I know about automobiles. I know that the right pedal makes it go fast and the left pedal will slow you down. And that's it.

[Melissa]

Have you driven? You know how to drive a stick?

[Bert]

I do, yeah.

[Rhett]

That's good.

[Melissa]

That's good, that's good.

[Bert]

So Jen came in here yesterday, but she was a little late because she got a blowout.

[Ed]

Yeah, major blowout Yesterday morning on 285 coming in.

[Bert]

And it just reminded me that I couldn't go and help her. I have never changed a tire before. Never. I've, I've, I've. I mean, I. I think in theory it seems like it should be pretty easy. You take the jack out, put it on one side of the car, pump it up, lug nuts come off, right. Put the wheel back on. I've seen NASCAR a million times, just

[Jeff]

like they do in nascar.

[Bert]

So these guys challenged me today to try to do it. So I'm ready to go. I'll do it.

[Ed]

I guess you're gonna try.

[Bert]

I just don't know how great a radio it's gonna be, but I'll try.

[Ed]

Are you gonna read the manual as you go?

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Ed]

Try to do it from memory.

[Jeff]

Anything that's available in your car you can use. We're actually having your car right now towed to the second to right lane on 285. So you'll have to dodge traffic as

[Bert]

well, which does add to like something like if you're in the middle of the highway and you have to change, it's a lot different than the parking lot that I have to go down. But yeah, so I will give it a try. I mean, you guys can go ahead and do something else. I'll call you for while I'm down there trying. I have no idea where the jack is. My competitive spirit came out yesterday and I thought maybe I should just take a look at the manual so I don't look like a total tool tomorrow. But I didn't. I promise.

[Ed]

And so how long do you think it's going to take you to do it?

[Bert]

Well, here's where I'm a little nervous. I told you guys that I busted one of my tires a couple of months ago and I was lucky enough to be on Roswell road at the time. So I just pulled it into the Shell station and they changed it there. But dude was having a tough time and he works there, so I'm not

[Ed]

exactly sure why was he having a hard time.

[Melissa]

Is it newer?

[Bert]

It's a brand new car. It's a 370. Yeah.

[Jeff]

Now with your little car, do you have to jack it up? Because I would imagine you just lift it up with one hand.

[Ed]

What about the wheel lock? You got that?

[Bert]

I have no idea.

[Olivia]

I don't know.

[Melissa]

I don't have any idea.

[Jeff]

What do I do with Jen?

[Jen]

Don't give him any pointers. Jen's.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

She's competitive now.

[Melissa]

She's trying to help him. She's been trying to help him since yesterday.

[Jeff]

Why?

[Bert]

Don't even know anything about a wheel lock. I might go in there, have no idea. Can't do it.

[Ed]

You gotta get one of those.

[Bert]

Zero idea.

[Katie]

Oh, boy.

[Bert]

I do know, and I'm a little nervous about it because it's like, it's a newer model and it's sophisticated. Like, let me give you an example. This is a Nissan. And for me to open up my gas tank, I have to. I didn't realize this at the time. I. I have to have the ignition key in my door to open up the gas tank.

[Show Producer]

Really?

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Ed]

Is that so people can't siphon gas out of your tank?

[Bert]

I guess so.

[Jeff]

Are you sure?

[Bert]

Yes.

[Ed]

Where did you get that?

[Bert]

I looked it up in the manual because I was at Shell and I couldn't figure out how to open up the gas tank, so I went through the manual. You have to have it in the.

[Jeff]

So you have to take your key out of the car, put it in the door, open the gas tank.

[Bert]

Yes.

[Melissa]

And I don't. Yeah.

[Jen]

And I don't.

[Melissa]

Yeah. I'm not trying to throw Bert under the bus. I do think this is very educational for a lot of people because I really do think that there's a lot of people that don't know how to change a tire.

[Ed]

You know what I mean?

[Bert]

It's humiliating. I mean, when Stacey, if we have something go wrong with the car, Stacy's underneath it. She's trying to check things out. My wife and I'm on the sidelines just feeling like a real tool.

[Jeff]

Can we.

[Bert]

So this is going to prove nothing to you guys because I already know I'm going to suck at this.

[Melissa]

But at least what you learn, maybe that'll help. Other people say, oh, that's how you change your. Know what I mean?

[Bert]

Is that what you're doing to Keep me motivated to keep me.

[Jen]

No, I know.

[Ed]

Yeah. Because I don't.

[Jen]

Yeah. I don't.

[Melissa]

Yeah. This is not to throw you under the bus. I do think that this is what a predicament a lot of people are in.

[Bert]

Well, a lot of women probably. I don't know too many dudes that. That have never change that would not.

[Melissa]

Admit it.

[Bert]

Come on, admit it.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Jeff]

I had to do it, like, last year, and it's probably been 10 years since I've done. Took me like nine. There's a lot of cussing and cuts on my hand and grease, like, in my eye and on my butt in random places.

[Melissa]

Because that is one conversation a woman can have. Like, I could say, oh, I don't know how to change a tire. Help me change a tire. And there's no. I mean, it's not any kind of, you know, there's no jokes made. There's no jokes made or, you know, nobody's gonna criticize me for that.

[Jeff]

For some reason, Josh over in his production studio, who just remains quiet, and Ed things I'll show has written to me in all caps saying the car will fall on Bert if he doesn't do it right.

[Bert]

Well, I'm not going to go underneath it. I'm going to be on the side of it. I'm not even getting on my knees. I'm just.

[Jeff]

Yeah, yeah, you've said that before.

[Melissa]

Are we giving him pointers or no?

[Jen]

No.

[Bert]

Okay. Hey, Matt.

[Jeff]

Jen slipping him in for whatever?

[Melissa]

Jen's trying to. I didn't mean to.

[Jeff]

What about the. We are loud.

[Dustin]

Hey.

[Katie]

How y' all doing?

[Dustin]

Good.

[Rhett]

Doing good.

[Bert]

What year's your car, Bert? It's 2010. 2010.

[Jeff]

He gets a new car every year?

[Bert]

Every month?

[Jeff]

Yep. He only drives this model year.

[Melissa]

When it gets dirty, then he turns it in.

[Bert]

My payment is $42,000 every month because I turn over a car every month.

[Rhett]

Wow, that's incredible.

[Bert]

You do know that you probably got

[Rhett]

a special key to get off one

[Bert]

lug nut on each floor. I don't know anything about it. Seriously.

[Jeff]

He's got a manual.

[Bert]

I'll look in the manual and it'll tell me where to go. And if I can find it, great. If I can. I have zero idea where.

[Jeff]

Just so you know, we look downstairs and see a hero truck in our parking garage. That doesn't count.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

That's not fair.

[Bert]

All right, so I'll go down and do it now.

[Jeff]

Jen's still on hold at AAA from yesterday morning, so maybe don't pick up here.

[Show Producer]

Bird Show.

[Jeff]

I think Josh is legitimately worried about Bert.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Because he just sent another message and said, is Bert down there alone?

[Ed]

And we said, ratties, he's an injured fellow already.

[Melissa]

He'll be all right as long as he's got his feet clear of the car.

[Jeff]

Yeah, Rhett's our videographer here at the station. He shoots Jen's, you know, entertainment Buzz feature every week. And whenever we have an artist in, he's. He's one of the guys taping it. And so we sent him down there with no cameras for insurance purposes, but just to stand by with Burton and call us and let us know. Do you think it's safe to say what we're looking for, or should we wait until we're completely clear and see

[Ed]

if he does it?

[Jeff]

Because there's one.

[Melissa]

Let's wait to see if he makes that mistake.

[Jeff]

Yeah, there's one big mistake that. That I think everybody makes when they're

[Melissa]

first changing a tire.

[Jeff]

I even admit to doing it, but I always stop myself and then have to go back a couple steps and do it. So we're going to check in with Bert, who admittedly can't change a tire.

[Dustin]

Hey.

[Jeff]

Hey, Brad. It's Jeff.

[Dustin]

Hey, Jeff.

[Jeff]

Hey, how's Bert doing down in the parking lot?

[Rhett]

Pretty awesome. I mean, his first words were, I don't even know where the manual of this thing. But he found it pretty quickly, started rustling through the trunk and said, look at all this cool stuff. But he may have encountered a problem of not being able to find his tire.

[Jeff]

Okay, he can't locate the spare tire.

[Rhett]

He picked up all the tools in the back and looked at it and said, I don't even have a spare tire.

[Jeff]

All right, well, this will be a short break. Yeah, this will be very, very fun.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Well, I guess technically what he can do is remove the one tire and put it back on. Put the same tire back on. But I think I.

[Ed]

Why not?

[Jeff]

I think you have to. After he does that. Right. I think you'll have to check the car and make sure, like, the tire isn't located underneath the pant. And don't give him any hints or anything. You know, sometimes there's, like, a weird panel or, like, a bottom to the trunk and that bet the tires.

[Melissa]

It sounds like that that's what he's missing.

[Jeff]

All right. Don't give him any hints to that direction. Rhett, we'll check in with you in a few minutes. Okay.

[Jen]

How hard can it be?

[Bert]

Okay, cool.

[Melissa]

We said yesterday that how hard can it be?

[Jeff]

Bert's downstairs changing a tire. It's so simple. He'll be up by the end of this song, no problem. Bert will be back after this. Luke Reese on his hands, but nice and tire change just in a minute.

[Show Producer]

The bird show. The bird show.

[Jeff]

So, Bert and Rhett. We sent Rhett down to make sure Bert didn't cheat call hero truck or anything. I expected Bert to be back up. Back up here by now. So, I mean, he said, no problem. He's changing a tire down the park.

[Jen]

It didn't take that long.

[Jeff]

Yeah, it should be no problem. How's he doing? Rhett?

[Rhett]

Well, I think he sabotaged this completely because he opened the back, and there's no jack. There is obviously a spot for a jack. There's no jack. He can't even lift the car. So he was gonna go up and call Dustin on the air.

[Jeff]

What? And call the. Call the guy who is supposed to put the jack in the car. The guy who sold him the car.

[Rhett]

I mean, I'm guessing somebody with Team Nissan, but they. I mean, it says in his instruction manual. It does say if he's got, you know, if this car has a spare, this is how you do it. But you looked in, and there's no spare there. Or jack.

[Melissa]

There's no spare or a jack in the car.

[Jen]

I don't know.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Why? Why?

[Jen]

Because you remember he had the blowout that he was talking about earlier. So maybe they did not put the spare tire back in the car when they changed out the tire, and maybe they forgot to put in the jack.

[Jeff]

But why would the jack even come out? Like, the jack would have been at the Shell station with him.

[Jen]

Well, maybe they didn't put it back in and Shell station stole the jack.

[Ed]

Is there a reason we're not talking to Burt?

[Jeff]

I'm a. Yeah, I think he said,

[Melissa]

because he's not doing anything right now.

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Can we talk to him?

[Ed]

He's not.

[Melissa]

Mistakenly.

[Jeff]

No. Rhett said he's on his way back up, isn't he? Yeah, he said he's gonna come back. Hey, Rhett, are you with Burt, or is he on his way up here?

[Rhett]

He's on his way up.

[Jeff]

Okay. Yeah, it sounds like they're back.

[Melissa]

That's weird.

[Jeff]

I'm almost tempted. Melissa, I think you should go down and look in the car, because I'll bet you find it.

[Melissa]

Go look for the jacket.

[Jen]

He might just not want to do it.

[Ed]

He would roll over and die if you found it and came right back in about five minutes.

[Melissa]

Leave it to the lesbian

[Jeff]

Yeah. I think if you. I bet you could go down and poke in there and it's. They may have put it back, but just put it back in a different place. You might not even know what it looks.

[Katie]

He knows.

[Jen]

But he looks like.

[Melissa]

But the manual would have instructed him where exactly to look.

[Jeff]

But what I'm saying is if they change his tire. You ever have your tire change in a garage? You know what I mean? Like, they just throw everything back. They just.

[Melissa]

Yeah, but Jen knows better.

[Jeff]

Yeah, but, like, they may have just thrown it back in there. And if he doesn't know what it looks like. Oh, here he is.

[Ed]

What's the story?

[Melissa]

Are you serious?

[Ed]

There's no jack in there at all and there's no spare tire.

[Bert]

Here's what I did. I opened up the manual, and I guess some models don't have a spare because it even says it in the manual.

[Jeff]

Okay. Which is.

[Melissa]

That's dangerous.

[Bert]

Look at.

[Ed]

That is dangerous.

[Melissa]

And I'm weird.

[Bert]

Yeah. I'm gonna call up to Dustin over at Team Nissan right now and ask if they just didn't put a tire in there or some of the models just don't come with a spare.

[Melissa]

Why would you not have a spare in your car? I'm just curious.

[Bert]

I don't know. There's not even. Like, there's the space for the jack and everything, but there's no jack or anything in there.

[Melissa]

Huh.

[Ed]

Weird.

[Jeff]

Would you be totally.

[Olivia]

No.

[Bert]

Humiliated if you went down there and found it? Yeah, totally and completely.

[Jeff]

What about. Would it be better if Melissa was the one who found it? Or Wendy?

[Bert]

Yeah. If you send a woman down, that would definitely be worse.

[Melissa]

It'd be worse than if you went

[Bert]

down there to look.

[Jeff]

What about a blind woman who just felt around and found it by touch?

[Melissa]

I'm still confused on why anybody would not put a spare in a car.

[Bert]

I've never heard of a car not having a spare in the back. But it even indicates it in the

[Melissa]

manual because not everybody has access to a AAA or a hero truck. You know what I mean?

[Bert]

I'm calling Dustin up at Team Nissan right now.

[Melissa]

That's dangerous.

[Jeff]

I would just tell you.

[Melissa]

Stranded.

[Bert]

Pick up the hotline. That could be him there.

[Jeff]

I would just tell you to do it on mine, but I don't trust you.

[Melissa]

I've learned something today.

[Katie]

You have reached the Sprint voice mailbox of Dustin Fleischman.

[Bert]

Good morning, Derek. You are on Q100. Hi.

[Rhett]

Hi. Yeah, I just wanted to come to your defense. A lot of the new sports cars don't come with a spare in them.

[Bert]

I know.

[Melissa]

Why is it dangerous?

[Jeff]

Brittany's on the hotline. She might know the answer.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Or as we call her around here, Mrs. Goodrich.

[Bert]

Hey, great woman calling giving guy.

[Olivia]

It might not be your fault because I bought a new car in the fall and my car actually does not come with a spare tire because the tires that are on my car are run flat tires. So they're tires that even if you pop them, I guess you can drive up to like 50 miles on that tire still. And so it doesn't come with a spare tire. So you. Your car's pretty small, right?

[Bert]

Yeah, very.

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Bert]

So you may have something now.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Bert]

Because it had an inflation kit back there, but it doesn't have a spare and it doesn't have a jack.

[Melissa]

That would scare me though, because I would, I mean especially I guess as a girl, I would want to be stranded somewhere and not. I mean, I understand what Brittany's saying, but man, I would.

[Ed]

AAA will find you in three. It's okay. Just hopefully have some snacks in your seats. Like some crumbs in the car somewhere.

[Bert]

Hero is out there in how long?

[Ed]

Hiro was there in 10 minutes.

[Melissa]

Did you cancel your AAA registrar?

[Ed]

Got to my car and started changing it before they ever even picked up the phone at aaa. I was still on hold.

[Bert]

That was.

[Ed]

What's the point of paying for my membership?

[Bert]

Most are calling saying that some new cars have those run flat tires. So that's probably the deal. But it's weird because the 350 I had had one of those donuts in the back. But the newer model I guess doesn't

[Melissa]

because there's some cars that will have the full on tire. Like I mean a donuts only go so far. But there are some cars that models that will have your full size tire as the spare so that you don't have to only go 50 or 30 miles with that. Yeah, I would, I would be so uncomfortable without a spare.

[Bert]

I gotta be honest, you guys don't know how scared I was when I lifted up that trunk and there was no tire in there. The relentless amount of crap. I thought if I can't find a tire and it's on this car somewhere, I will never live it down.

[Melissa]

We were ready to give it to you.

[Jeff]

Yeah, we actually laughed and hear a Rhett's like he can't find the tire. We're like, really?

[Show Producer]

What?

[Melissa]

Uh huh.

[Show Producer]

The Burch show.

[Jeff]

You're really bothered by this, aren't you?

[Bert]

Well, yes.

[Jeff]

You want to think about that for a second or just going to answer,

[Bert]

I will just say this, and with 100% certainty that if the tire was there, I would not have been able to change it. But this run flat tire thing, like we all said.

[Jeff]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert]

But nobody really knows what it is.

[Dustin]

Hey.

[Bert]

Hey, Dustin, it's Burton. We're on the radio, ma'.

[Lisa]

Am.

[Dustin]

Oh, we're on the radio. How you doing?

[Ed]

Hey. Hi.

[Bert]

This is Dustin from Team Nissan. So these guys challenged me because I have never changed a tire before in my life.

[Dustin]

Okay.

[Bert]

So these guys challenged me to change my tire this morning. So I went downstairs and there's no spare.

[Rhett]

There's no spare.

[Bert]

There's no spare. There's no jack in the back. There's nothing. So I read the manual, and it said that some of the models don't come with a spare.

[Rhett]

Okay.

[Bert]

And then others called up and said some sports cars now have a run flat tire.

[Dustin]

Right.

[Bert]

Which is what.

[Dustin]

Which is basically when you're. If your tire goes flat, it keeps it inflated until you can get to

[Melissa]

a service center so it doesn't hurt the rim.

[Ed]

Okay.

[Jeff]

So does Bird have that or.

[Dustin]

I gotta check which one he bought. I gotta find out.

[Jeff]

He got the lime green, the 370Z.

[Dustin]

Lime green one?

[Jeff]

Yeah, it's lime green with the ground effects and the fuzzy dashboard spinners, stripes,

[Ed]

the flames, the lights underneath, you know, and it's low, low riding, man.

[Bert]

The neon underneath it.

[Rhett]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Nice. The nozzle.

[Bert]

So if you. So if you get a sports car, then it shouldn't be concluded that you have a spare in the back. So you shouldn't just think that you have one.

[Dustin]

You. You know, if I bought a sports car, I would probably, right off the bat, think that my car had a spare. Yeah, that's what I would think automatically.

[Melissa]

I have never heard of a car.

[Bert]

Okay?

[Rhett]

That's what.

[Dustin]

That's what I would think. A lot of the sports cars do come with run flats, though.

[Bert]

Think my.

[Dustin]

Wow. Let me check on yours.

[Bert]

Okay. If it's not and it's attached somewhere on my car, do not.

[Dustin]

It's probably in the. It's probably in the trunk. And you. You know, who knows?

[Jeff]

Can I please go look?

[Bert]

If that's the case, do not call back. You never, ever, ever. You can't remember me calling, don't call.

[Dustin]

Right. Exactly.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Can I please go look?

[Bert]

Yeah, go ahead. Thanks, man.

[Dustin]

I'm gonna go pull your. Your VIN number right now and see. See exactly which one you got and I'll give you a call back.

[Bert]

Because if that tires in there somewhere and I just couldn't find it, then I.

[Ed]

They're showing a picture a second ago. I wanted to see this. You took a picture? So it's like the wheel well that's there, but there's no tire in it.

[Rhett]

Right.

[Bert]

And the part. The place for the jack is actually there also. But there's no jack.

[Jeff]

There's no jack in the back. Jack in the back.

[Jen]

In the back. Looking like a pooh with no jack in the back.

[Ed]

That is so funny that you took a picture for proof for us.

[Bert]

Yes. Because I knew you guys would give me relentless crap, which you should. And if that tire is somewhere on the bottom of the car and I couldn't find it, you have permission to give me as much crap as you want for as long as you want.

[Jeff]

Can I have your keys? I want to go right now.

[Bert]

Yes.

[Ed]

Really? Do you think that it would be your wife Stacy that would give you the most crap about this?

[Bert]

Probably so.

[Ed]

Probably more than us, right?

[Bert]

Probably so.

[Ed]

Yeah.

[Bert]

I'm gonna get crap for the rest of my life if it's there. Don't sweat it.

[Show Producer]

Hey, the bird show. It's the bird show.

[Bert]

Hello, Olivia.

[Ed]

Hello.

[Bert]

Hello, Olivia.

[Katie]

Hello.

[Rhett]

Hello.

[Bert]

Good morning, guys. Love yourself.

[Katie]

Absolutely brilliant.

[Melissa]

You really have a British accent.

[Bert]

I wasn't expecting that.

[Ed]

Wow.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Bert]

How are you today?

[Katie]

I have a quick question for Bert. I had listened on Friday and I had wondered if you had called your mum or not over the Mother's Day.

[Bert]

Did I call my mom?

[Melissa]

Olivia, thank you for the reminder.

[Bert]

Yes, yes, yes. Let's cover this for a second. I made a decision on Friday that I'm not going to talk about this mother thing very much on the radio. And I'll tell you why I made the statement first. Just a little background, Olivia, for those that weren't listening. My mom and I are going through this pissing match right now where we haven't talked to each other in months and months and months. She started it months ago, and I've sort of dug in, but there's some real deep seated childhood crappy crap stuff that I'm having to deal with as an adult. So we're going through this song and dance right now. My mom told me months ago she didn't want to talk. And then when she was ready to talk, I was pissed and I said, look, I'm glad that you're ready. I authentically am not into it right now. So my birthday passed. No phone call, no car, no nothing. So Mother's Day came and I didn't send a card and I didn't call up there either. But here's why I've decided that I'm just gonna sparingly talk about it. I made the statement on Friday that frankly, I just don't feel a lot of love for my mother. And it offended a whole bunch. So many people were offended by that. That emailed me. And I understand why, because there are so few, I think, listening that can understand the dismissal that I went through as a child. Like, there are so few that actually went through the kind of childhood that I did where parents. There was no connection. There was no I love you. There were no vacations. There were no sitting down and doing homework together. There wasn't attending sports events together. There was nothing like that. There was no connection when I was a kid. So why would I have a connection as an adult? So I said that. And I think that so many people can't understand that because y' all grew up in healthy families, that those words were so shocking that if I think if I'm a listener and I'm listening to this guy on the radio, it all sounds so petty. Unless you actually lived in the kind of house that I did. And when you.

[Katie]

My husband, actually, he has like, exactly the same story as you, and I didn't really. I understood it more when you spoke about it on Friday, but he was the same, you know, And I think a lot of it stems from the mother not acknowledging that there was an issue when he was a kid. I think that's what it is. So I actually understood. I was just curious to see if you had called her over the weekend.

[Bert]

No. I'll tell you what. I'm having to make a decision about this piece of mail that she sent that's sitting right now. And I'm not exactly sure what I'm gonn do about it, but I know I have to move it because it's on the counter. And every time I walk into the house, I see it and my stomach kind of gets a little pissy.

[Melissa]

And you did not open it this weekend?

[Bert]

I did not open it this weekend. And I don't want a lot of you guys suggested Stacy open it up and read it for me. And then she could sort of be my litmus test that should I answer it back or not?

[Jeff]

Just for the record, I said, hayden,

[Bert]

don't think that's a good idea, unfortunately would understand it. And I'm not gonna do that in this month either because there are so many great things like Jen said that are going on right now. We got Stacy's birthday. We just had the Mother's Day. Our anniversary is coming up, and Hollis's birthday is this month also. So if Stacy opens that up and it's hurtful to me from my mom, it will affect Stacy the same way it's gonna affect me. So at least for the next 30 days, that's not gonna be an option.

[Ed]

Celebrate your life.

[Bert]

I'm not exactly sure. I'm not exactly sure to do with it, though, Will.

[Ed]

You've carved out a different life for yourself. So celebrate it, June. Deal with her.

[Jeff]

May I have the letter? And I will turn it into a song. A little ditty about Burt and Myra.

[Bert]

Will you do a jig?

[Rhett]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Okay, then.

[Jeff]

Yeah. What I'd like to do is I'd like to actually do a whole. Right. Morph suit. Like, almost like Blue Man Group, but, like, do. I would like to do a performance piece. And I'll get other people involved, but we'll make it somewhat of a musical, very Mary Poppins esque, where your mother will be the role of Mary Poppins and just a spoonful of chilla.

[Bert]

Right.

[Jeff]

Why are you yelling at.

[Bert]

Melissa said. See, I pretty much dismissed Jeff from any of these conversations, but Melissa said something to me on Friday, and it really resonated with me.

[Jeff]

Yeah, well, that just really resonated with me. And I'm gonna write you a letter.

[Bert]

Why don't you sing it to me after the show?

[Jeff]

You know what? Why don't you wait till July to open that one?

[Melissa]

Hey, Jeff, guess what? He's about to talk about me.

[Olivia]

Shh.

[Bert]

So, Melissa, we were talking about, you know, sort of playing out this relationship, that if my mom passes away tomorrow, am I going to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say, I did everything I can? And Melissa said, there's no way you will know until that happens. And I sort of felt like your tone was that I was being naive or I was being naive about the whole thing. And I did think a lot about what you said, but you cannot understand that when you have no connection, when your parents made no connection as a kid, that doesn't change just because you get older.

[Melissa]

No, I. And I didn't dispute that. I just said that. I think it is. It is naive for anybody to think that they know how they're gonna feel when their parent passes away.

[Bert]

It's certainly gonna affect me. That letter is affecting me every single day. So how could her death.

[Melissa]

Sure.

[Bert]

Not. So that's sort of where I am

[Jeff]

with all that, what if the letter is a check?

[Bert]

Like what I would have smelled that. I would have known as soon as it came in the house.

[Show Producer]

Here, Birch. Show the bircha.

[Bert]

So we're helping out the young Survivors Coalition with this walk and bike ride in a couple of months. And you can get all the info up online right [e-mail] but just interested in actually, you know, he gonna get out there and he's gonna get sweaty.

[Jeff]

Yeah, well, maybe because I. I got overly ambitious. A couple weeks ago at an event, I made a purchase that requires an additional purchase and I'm not prepared to face that additional purchase.

[Ed]

Oh,

[Jen]

what was the first thing you purchased?

[Jeff]

No big deal. I purchased myself a bicycle.

[Bert]

Now with the thought that you would

[Jeff]

ride in, in the youngster. I actually hadn't thought of it. But you bring it up that way, I'm like, that's really cool. Because they have like a little 10 mile ride or 20 mile ride. That'd be easy, right? And I seriously haven't been on a bike probably in half a dozen years. Just don't own one, don't have one. And then I'm at this charity thing and there's a bike.

[Bert]

And just the thought of you riding a bicycle down the road to me for whatever reason is funny.

[Jeff]

It's not a unicycle, dude, or tricycle, it's spandex pants. Just a regular bike with a big giant front wheel and a tiny little back wheel. And then I go, I don't know why that's funny. But anyway, so I'm at this charity thing and it's there and it's a good price and I put my bid in and I get it and then I go over to the charity offices and I pick up my bike and throw it in the car and I take it up to the lake and I'm driving around, you know, riding around on the bike, you know, I'm like, ah, it's cool, man. It really is. It is true. Once you learn to ride a bike, you've got it forever. Like.

[Show Producer]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

You never forget.

[Rhett]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

So I'm like, I'm gonna start riding a bike. And then it dawned on me.

[Melissa]

Safety first, my friend.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Oh, you mean the bell. You gotta get the little ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, bell.

[Ed]

You need a basket to carry Sasha in some reflectors.

[Bert]

Reflectors. Or that big flag that goes in the bed that attaches to the back of the banana seat.

[Show Producer]

All that.

[Melissa]

Or a card to put in there.

[Jeff]

I'd be fine with all that. No problem. I'd be. I could go to Dick's Sporting Goods or Walmart and trick it out if I wanted to.

[Melissa]

Some kind of like, I don't know, sticker, little bicycle sticker to put on.

[Jeff]

Sadly, I don't know that a regular retail store would have what I need.

[Melissa]

I would put my money on the fact that they would not.

[Bert]

It's about to get sad in here.

[Jeff]

I have a big head.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Like, not like ego wise. Like I'm a cocky guy who walks around here all.

[Show Producer]

Well, that too.

[Ed]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Melissa]

Maybe, maybe that's. This is the reason why you have that.

[Jeff]

I just have an attitude physically. Large noggin.

[Melissa]

I mean, you have a huge head.

[Jeff]

I know.

[Bert]

Hold on. I might have some sad music here. I'm not sure if this is gonna work. Oh, yeah.

[Melissa]

I mean, it's. His head is oddly.

[Jen]

It's massive.

[Bert]

I'm sorry, honey. The first year that we did the show, we all came in here and we weighed our heads because Jess just looks larger.

[Melissa]

We literally put a scale, put our

[Bert]

head on a scale and you know, like Melissa's came in like at 11 pounds. You know, mine was like a little bean at six or something like that. And Jess came in like off the charts, £17. It was like dropping an anvil. We had to use one of those big old 18 wheeler truck scales.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

That little NATO went, you know, went around that three full times before I go.

[Jeff]

If. When I was a kid, when I went swimming, I think they put the little floaties around my neck because I was so top heavy.

[Bert]

It's a large head.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

And so I think. And I haven't looked into it yet because I'm nervous, but if I'm gonna, you know, like, if I'm gonna. I'm guessing that if I do the ride that you were talking about, Bertha, the Young Survivors Coalition thing, they're probably gonna require everybody to wear a helmet

[Melissa]

and even, you know, I mean, isn't it the law or something? Or should be.

[Jeff]

So at some point in the near future, I'm gonna have to wrap a tape measure or two around my head. No, Wendy, I haven't you measured your tiny little ferret ants?

[Ed]

Don't bring my hands into this.

[Jen]

I don't need gloves.

[Jeff]

Wendy traces her hand for Thanksgiving and it looks like a little baby chick.

[Melissa]

No hat?

[Jen]

Really?

[Melissa]

You can't go into a store. No hat fits his head.

[Jeff]

Frankie from our promotions department. I think the new era cat people said, hey, we're give Everybody in the building, some cool hats. Just send us your size and your favorite teams. And I ignored the email because I'm nervous. Look at the size of this thing.

[Bert]

It's a big. It's a big old knife.

[Jeff]

I don't want to measure it.

[Bert]

So what are you gonna. There's gotta be a. A bike helmet, though, that fits you.

[Melissa]

No, it's gonna be custom made.

[Olivia]

You know that.

[Bert]

You know that I was custom make a bike helmet. Somebody would have to come in here and put a molding around.

[Melissa]

I'm serious.

[Jeff]

Because dip me in plaster like I'm getting braces.

[Ed]

There's gotta be somebody in the Shriners who has hats made.

[Melissa]

I don't think that would even fit him. I mean, seriously, people, because Katie.

[Jeff]

Hey, Melissa. I'm right freaking here and I can hear you.

[Melissa]

I know.

[Jeff]

Right here.

[Melissa]

Well, because Katie. Katie rides. I mean, she, you know, like many triathlons and stuff. She has a bike and a helmet stuff. So I was going to be supportive. And I got a bike that's been collecting dust in the garage ever since then. And one of the things we got when we were at the bike shop was a helmet.

[Jen]

For me.

[Melissa]

And it's like any. I mean, they're average. I mean, average size.

[Jeff]

But then the hard part is that nobody looks real cool in a bike helmet anyways. But when you put like. I think they're going to have to pull that thing off the bottom of the ocean that they're trying to plug the oil a little bit. I think I'm going to be wearing.

[Melissa]

There's a use for the one that didn't work last week.

[Jeff]

I think I'm going to have to wear a fork story metal oil containment device on my head so I don't get hurt if I fall.

[Melissa]

Can we measure your head on air?

[Jeff]

Can we measure.

[Melissa]

Can we measure our head on air?

[Jen]

I want to measure it now.

[Ed]

Come on.

[Jeff]

Y' all have to make a guess.

[Bert]

Let's get a tape measure.

[Melissa]

Measures 48 inches.

[Jeff]

It's not 48 inches.

[Bert]

It's like the size of my waist.

[Jeff]

It's a 30 was.

[Melissa]

What's the average man's man head? No, I'm sorry. What's the average hat size for a man?

[Bert]

I don't even know where hat size starts.

[Ed]

Yeah, I think they're around seven something, right?

[Jeff]

No, that's just. That's the hat size. I just.

[Ed]

That's just the hat size.

[Jeff]

If I'm getting this custom made, I need to know inches around.

[Bert]

Oh, we're doing that tomorrow.

[Show Producer]

Oh, yeah.

[Jeff]

Maybe wearing the top of the Space Needle from Seattle. Get it?

[Show Producer]

The bird show.