Full Show PT 2: Friday, June 19 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show — Full Show PT 2: Friday, June 19 [Vault]

Episode Date: June 19, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode features the Bert Show cast—Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and others—in a classic blend of laughs, real-life confessions, and call-in audience participation. The main themes are quirks that make people question “Am I normal?”, advice on toxic friendships, and remedies for post-cry swollen eyes. The crew keeps their tone light, funny, and authentic, encouraging listeners to share, confess, and seek crowd wisdom.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

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“Am I Normal?” Caller Confessions & Unusual Habits

Timestamps: 01:01 – 12:23

• Segment Purpose: Listeners and cast share their weird, secret habits, questioning if they're alone in their quirks or if they’re secretly mainstream.
• Popular “Am I Normal?” Confessions:
  • Laundry Rituals:
    Jen describes her method for preventing wrinkled jeans—shaking, smoothing, and folding them before putting them in the dryer—and is surprised how many others do the same.

    “...I have to take them out, I have to shake all the wrinkles out. And then I have to like smooth them and fold them and then I put them in the dryer and it works.” — Jen (01:11)

  • Seeking Comfort from Children Post-Sad Media:
    Wendy admits she wakes her daughter after seeing something sad just to cuddle.

    “...if it has anything to do with a baby, I definitely do, but just anything that makes me kind of sad makes you want to be close to your baby...” — Wendy (02:48)

  • Flashing Headlights for Nonexistent Police Traps:
    One caller confesses to faking warnings for oncoming cars to feel a power trip:

    "I get some kind of weird thrill out of looking in my rearview mirror and seeing their brake lights come on really fast..." — Caller (04:19)

  • Bathroom Cleanliness:
    Another caller can’t let her pants touch the floor in any bathroom, even taking them off at friends' houses.
  • Specific Ways of Eating Snacks:
    Jen reads a tweet about eating M&Ms in football-team-colored pairs; others only bite goldfish crackers by their tails first.

    “I can only eat goldfish by the tail first and then the body of the goldfish...” — Wendy (06:41)

  • OCD Habits:
    Kim counts letters in words and must adjust phrases until the count is even.

    "If it's not even, when I get to the end of the phrase...I have to add more to it until it's even and I can stop." — Kim (07:41)

  • No Drinks During Meals:
    Several relate to not drinking any liquid until 30 minutes after eating.
  • Gas Pump Rituals:
    Ending gas purchases on a zero.
  • Liquids Must Be Chewed:
    A caller can’t swallow any liquid without chewing it first.

• Memorable Commentary:

  “We all like this segment because it makes us feel so normal.” — Host (11:23)

• Cast Responses: With each quirk, the hosts bounce between supportive, amazed, and gently teasing, always looping in other listeners for validation or laughs.

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Navigating Toxic Adult Friendships + Expert Advice

Timestamps: 13:37 – 23:01

• Situation:
  Jen shares a friend's trouble with an ex-friend still actively trying to sabotage her reputation and relationships, even years after a falling out.
• Key Questions:
  • How can you get someone out of your life who is “obsessed with being hateful”?
  • Is it ever right to "fight fire with fire"?
• Notable Listener Advice:
  • Kiki’s Story: Only after public retaliation (“brought up real dirt about her...she has left me alone”) did her own toxic ex-friend stop. (16:44)
  • Restraining Orders:
    • Terry advises documenting everything and getting a legal restraining order, sharing her experience with a harassing ex-husband and the effectiveness of court action.

      “Save all your crap and take her to court.” – Terry (19:49)

  • HR Professional Calls In:
    Katherine, an HR manager, confirms a complaint should be filed if it affects work performance, especially with witnesses.

    “It does help if you have witnesses...” — Katherine (21:33)

• Host Reflections:
  • Friendship breakups in adulthood often lack social scripts, unlike romantic breakups.

  • “You should be able to announce, ‘You're not my friend anymore!’” — Host, on the awkwardness of ending friendships as adults (22:46)

• Tone/Memorable Quotes:

  “It’s just so juvenile.” — Melissa (21:52)

  • “How do you cut somebody out of your life that’s that obsessed with being hateful towards you?” — Jen (22:12)

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Remedies for Swollen, Post-Cry Eyes (Crowdsourced Beauty Solutions)

Timestamps: 24:06 – 34:15

• Segment Setup:
  Melissa confides in the group about having a massive “good cry” that left her with very swollen eyes, sparking a round of home remedy suggestions from listeners and the cast.
• Key Remedies Suggested:
  • Coffee Grinds:

    “...grab the filter with the coffee ground still in it...set it on my eyes. It takes the swelling out of your eyes." — Cheryl (29:18)

  • Preparation H:

    “You don’t...you just put it like on the top of your eyelid but not too close to your eyelash...” — Tracy (30:14)

  • Green Tea Bags (Cold, Moist):

    "Go get some green tea bags and wet them with cool water, take five minutes, put them on your eyes and then it goes away within five minutes." — Lindsay (32:08)

  • Mayonnaise:

    “Mayonnaise works very well for swollen eyes...my mom used to do it with me when I was younger.” — Kelly (33:27)

  • Cucumbers, Cold Washcloths, and Mary Kay’s "Indulging Soothing Eye Gel" also get mentioned.
• Host Banter & Admits:
  • Melissa and Jen compare “pretty” versus “ugly” crying.

    “You cry pretty, though. I cry real ugly.” — Jen (31:18)

  • Host hilariously seeks a “remedy to reduce my growing vagina” after so much estrogen talk, keeping the mood irreverent and playful. (33:03)
  • Practicality wins: “Everybody’s got a jar [of mayonnaise].” — Jen (34:07)

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Super Bowl Commercial Quiz: Remember That Ad?

Timestamps: 35:32 – 43:06

• Setup:
  The hosts play audio clips from recent Super Bowl commercials and challenge each other (and callers) to recall the brand or product.
• Highlighted Commercials:
  • Snickers with Betty White:

    “I mean, what is wrong with you? You're playing like Betty White.” (36:27)

  • CareerBuilder.com "Casual Fridays": Office workers in their underwear.
  • Hyundai with Brett Favre:
    Hosts discuss Favre’s comedic take on retirement (38:09).
  • Audi’s "Green Police": Humorous eco-police enforcement (39:27).
  • Dockers "I Wear No Pants": Listeners reminded of the free pants giveaway (40:32).
  • Dove Body Wash for Men: Parodying male life milestones (41:19).
  • Volkswagen Punch Dub:
    • “They were punching at every Volkswagen that went by. But you know what they’re calling it? Punch Dub.” — Host (42:51)
  • Fun and competitive guessing ensues, with hosts missing several brands and listeners stepping in for the win.
• Memorable Moment:
  • Stevie Wonder punches Tracy Morgan in the VW commercial, parodying “Punch Bug” game.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On quirky habits:

  “We all like this segment because it makes us feel so normal.” — Host (11:23)

• On adult friendship drama:

  “How do you cut somebody out of your life that's that obsessed with being hateful towards you?” — Jen (22:12)

• On post-cry remedies:

  “Mayonnaise works very well for swollen eyes...” — Kelly (33:27)

• Host tongue-in-cheek on masculinity:

  “Can we look for things that will reduce my growing vagina after this segment?” — Host (33:03)

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Segment Timestamps

• 01:01 – 12:23 — Am I Normal?: Listeners & cast share unusual habits
• 13:37 – 23:01 — Toxic friendships as adults: How to handle a vengeful ex-friend
• 24:06 – 34:15 — “Remedies for swollen eyes after a hard cry”
• 35:32 – 43:06 — Super Bowl Commercial Quiz: Guess the Advertiser

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Summary

This episode captures The Bert Show’s signature blend of humorous confessions, authentic camaraderie, and crowdsourced wisdom. From obsessively counting letters on road signs to bathroom rituals, the "Am I Normal?" segment reassures listeners they aren’t alone in their quirks. The cast and callers engage in a real, supportive conversation about handling adult toxicity, bringing in expert HR voices for practical advice. Swollen-eye remedies after a tearful night prompt creative home-spun solutions and trademark banter. The show ends on a playful note with a Super Bowl ad quiz, further involving the audience and reinforcing the Bert Show’s reputation for mixing good-hearted fun with real-life scenarios.

If you missed the episode, you’ll feel in on all the best confessions, get practical tips (and a few new weird habits), and enjoy the always witty, always real Bert Show crew.

Transcript

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[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, the Birch Show. If there's something that you do and you're wondering if it's normal, we'll decide for you.

[Melissa]

Right?

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Jen was actually. She changed some people's lives.

[Jen]

The last time I do this weird thing when I do laundry, I take my jeans out of the washer and you know how they're all like crinkled, cramped up once they come out of the washing machine? Well, I have to take them out, I have to shake them out, like shake all the wrinkles out. And then I have to like smooth them and fold them and then I put them in the dryer and it works. Did you try it?

[Wendy]

Yes.

[Jen]

And there's less wrinkles in your jeans, right?

[Wendy]

It works.

[Jen]

I got it.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

You folded them.

[Jen]

Who did the same thing? And he loves it too.

[Wendy]

And now he's doing it. Before I heard Jen, I usually did, I would take them out of the dryer and I'd shake them out.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Everybody shakes them out. Right?

[Wendy]

But I tried the folding thing and it works.

[Melissa]

You don't even shake them out.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

I shake them out.

[Jen]

I just throw them in the drawer. Yeah, but then there's like those permanent wrinkles in your jeans.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

And.

[Jen]

And I used to do it where I would hang them all dry and then once they were hung dry, I would put them in the dryer just to kind of tighten them back up again. But that takes even longer. So the shaking them out in the folding is Like a shorter way to get them the way that I want them.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

The listener emailed Jen, and I actually was, like, asking her to explain it, because once she said that the listener did it. Now Tracy's saying it still comes apart in the dryer. And Jen goes, it doesn't matter.

[Jen]

It doesn't matter. It works. Something about it works. If it makes me feel better, it's not normal, but.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Well, maybe it is. Maybe we've taken something that's not normal and made it mainstream. Tracy.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Wendy]

I don't think this is that abnormal, but every time I read something sad or see something sad on tv, if it's after Ella's gone to bed, I get her out of bed and I hold her for an hour or so and just let her sleep on the couch with me.

[Jen]

Because you're sad.

[Melissa]

That is sweet, though.

[Wendy]

Yeah. Just. Cause it makes me sad. I mean, if it has anything to do with a baby, I definitely do, but just anything that makes me kind of sad. Makes you want to be close to

[Melissa]

your baby is abnormal.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

So at Christmas time, when those Publix commercials were on.

[Wendy]

Right. I'll get her out of bed and I'll hold her.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Yeah. She did not get one good night's sleep the whole holiday season.

[Wendy]

And I wonder why. She has sleeping issues.

[Melissa]

So it's pretty. It happens often. Does it happen often?

[Jen]

About how many times a week?

[Wendy]

Probably three.

[Jen]

Oh, no wonder she can't sleep through the night.

[Wendy]

I know, but I feel better.

[Jen]

Yeah, I don't think that's normal.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Yeah. Ella's not in this.

[Jen]

We have to find out from moms if that's normal.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Ella's not in this world for Tracy. Ella's in this world for. Or Ella's not in this world for her. It's for Tracy.

[Melissa]

I could see if it was a movie about, you know. But a Publix commercial, Probably.

[Wendy]

I don't know what's happened for a Publix commercial, but, yeah, like any news stories and stuff like that, I definitely out of bed and hold her.

[Melissa]

But next time I see one of those, like I said, or Latter Day Saint or Publix commercials, I'm going over to Tracy's and I'm gonna hold that line.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Except Tracy will already be. You'll be fighting over her. You'll each have an arm. Hey, Diana. Welcome to the bird show.

[Caller/Guest]

Morning, guys. Love you.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

All right. Love you too. Loving you right back, darling. So am I normal?

[Caller/Guest]

Okay. Well, I like to flash my lights at oncoming cars, like, you know, to warn them of police. Trap Right when there's no police.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Why do you do that?

[Jen]

That's awesome.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't know. I don't know. Honestly, I. I get some kind of weird thrill out of looking in my rearview mirror and seeing their brake lights come on really fast and panic and. Like a cop. Cop.

[Jen]

And then I don't.

[Caller/Guest]

Around.

[Melissa]

That's hilarious.

[Caller/Guest]

Just. Just to, you know, defend myself. I also flash my lights when there is a police traffic. But I. I don't know. I just.

[Melissa]

It's funny.

[Caller/Guest]

Have the power, I guess, that paranoia.

[Jen]

Hilarious.

[Wendy]

Because you'll be on the brakes for the next five miles.

[Jen]

Because you're never concerned citizen.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

You'll never. You're never exactly sure where it is. So you're like. The girl wouldn't have warned me for nothing. Hey, Beth.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey. You guys are awesome.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Thank you.

[Melissa]

Thanks.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, so I have this weird thing. When I go to the bathroom. I can't stand the bottom of my pants to touch the ground. So I have to take my pants off completely and fold them up and hang them over the towel bar or, like, on the back of the hook in the bathroom. In the public places.

[Melissa]

In the pot.

[Wendy]

I mean, you.

[Melissa]

So you do you do this in anywhere?

[Caller/Guest]

Anywhere. Anywhere. My friend's house, my work. Everywhere I go. I mean, I literally have to take them off completely because the thought of my pants legs touching the floor freaks me out.

[Melissa]

That's hilarious.

[Jen]

Isn't there more opportunity for your pants to touch the floor if you're taking them off?

[Caller/Guest]

No. I don't know. It's just. I don't know why I, like, take them off. I'm really careful not to, like, let them touch the ground. And the funny thing is my husband laughs about it because I walk around barefoot so much. I love walking around barefoot, so apparently my feet don't bother me. But my pants is funny.

[Wendy]

I don't take mine off. But if they're too long and I go to a public bathroom, I'll roll them up so they don't touch the. Well, I could.

[Jen]

See, that makes sense. How long does it take you to go to the bathroom?

[Caller/Guest]

Not very long. I mean, not like a huge amount of time, but. Yeah. No, I tried rolling them up and I don't know. I feel constricted, I guess. I don't know. It's just weird.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Didn't Burt have a friend who got completely naked?

[Caller/Guest]

I don't know.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Whenever he used the bathroom?

[Jen]

I thought it was a Seinfeld episode that George used to take his pants

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

off and have to remove. Yeah. I would be worried that the place I was in would catch on fire.

[Jen]

Yeah, no kidding. I have a aminormal from Twitter. She says when I eat M&Ms, I have to eat them in pairs. Inspired by college football team colors.

[Melissa]

Oh, that's so funny.

[Caller/Guest]

That's funny.

[Jen]

It's great.

[Wendy]

Yeah. I can only eat goldfish by the tail first and then the body of the goldfish.

[Jen]

Really?

[Wendy]

I can't eat goldfish any other way, so I have to bite the tail off and then I can eat the little body of the goldfish. I just noticed that yesterday.

[Melissa]

I used to animal crackers when I was a kid. I had to eat the head off first so that they couldn't see what I was gonna do to the rest of them.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't know.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

What did you do to the rest of them? Weirdo.

[Melissa]

Shut up.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, Lauren. Welcome to the show.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Hi. First, I love you guys. I listen to you every morning.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

That's cool. Thank you.

[Caller/Guest]

You're welcome. I had a mom just like Tracy, and every time I see something sad on tv, I always get my daughter up and hold her for a while before I go back to bed.

[Melissa]

How often does it happen? In a week's time, how often do you do it?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, she's older now. She's two and a half. But when she was a baby, I did it probably at least three or four times a night when she was first born.

[Melissa]

A night.

[Jen]

Y' all are both oddly codependent.

[Wendy]

Or maybe we're normal.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, Kim. Welcome to the show.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

What's going on?

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, well, you're gonna think I'm crazy, but I do this thing where if I see a billboard or a sign or something, say, like, right lane must turn right. And I have to do it in pairs of two, and I have to say, like, R, I, G, H, T, L, A, N, E, M. And if it's not even, when I get to the end of the phrase or sentence, I have to add more to it until it's even and I can stop.

[Jen]

That's like a very, very ocd.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, very ocd. Yes. And then if I'm watching TV or and I'm doing it, I have to, like, sign it in sign language.

[Melissa]

Really?

[Caller/Guest]

I've done it as far back as I can remember, and I have no idea why. And I cannot stop.

[Melissa]

Just that one sign.

[Caller/Guest]

Anything I have to add to anything. Like, anything I see, if it just pops up, I just do it in my head automatically. And if it's not even, I have to add to it. To make it even.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

So, like, I just. I happen to look up at the television and across the bottom it said NBC. Brian Williams, NBC Nightly News.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

So would you. Would you start spelling that off? And if that's an odd number of letters, would you say Thursday night or whatever you have to.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes, I have to add the next thing I see to it.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Wow. Until you can end evenly.

[Caller/Guest]

Until it's evenly.

[Melissa]

So with every word.

[Caller/Guest]

Every word.

[Melissa]

Wow.

[Jen]

That's gotta keep it. And this is only on, like, billboards and signs and anything.

[Caller/Guest]

Anything, like a trash can could say something and I would have to do it.

[Melissa]

Are you able to read a book successfully?

[Caller/Guest]

Like, not really.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Yeah. If it's every word you do. I can't imagine you opening a page and having all those letters in front of you.

[Jen]

Are you. Have you ever sought any help for that?

[Caller/Guest]

No, but I probably should, actually.

[Jen]

Well, it's just. It seems like that would be debilitating.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, it's. It's. It's crazy. And like, Pete, like, my brother will see me, like, signing, like, just the letters, and he's like, what are you doing?

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

What are you doing?

[Caller/Guest]

Like, stop.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

What do you do for a living?

[Caller/Guest]

I work at a retail store.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

So that's got to be Christmas time. And sales. Thanks for the call. Hey, Anna.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Welcome to the show.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi. Love you guys.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Thanks.

[Caller/Guest]

I actually don't drink anything at all until like 30 minutes after I've finished my meal.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

So you never have like a glass of water or something with dinner?

[Melissa]

My mom's like that.

[Caller/Guest]

Nothing.

[Melissa]

My mom.

[Caller/Guest]

My mom says I've done it since I was little.

[Melissa]

My mother's the same way. I'm oddly fascinated by that. Millie P. Does not drink anything while she. During her meal. Really? So she eats a whole meal, doesn't really drink anything, and then in her drink, you know, drinking her water or her coffee or anything is separate from actually eating a meal.

[Caller/Guest]

Strange.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

When I was a kid, I don't do this anymore, but my parents told me that I would eat everything on my plate in portions. So I could eat all the potatoes and then I would move on and I would eat all the carrots. Then I'd move on and eat all the.

[Jen]

Do you have a food touching thing?

[Advertiser]

Nah.

[Jen]

Some people don't like any other food to touch. That freaks them out.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, Pam.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

What's your m. I Normal question?

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, guys. I don't. My gas thing, when I'm pumping gas has to end on a zero.

[Jen]

Oh, yeah. I've known people that do this before. I think that's actually fairly normal.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Shannon.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes. My abnormal is I cannot have any liquid, whether it be coke, water, milkshake. I have to chew it before I can swallow anything.

[Melissa]

Huh. Okay.

[Jen]

Weird.

[Caller/Guest]

I also have the. My food can't touch. That's a. It cannot. I will get separate plates for everything, but especially water. I mean, it doesn't matter what the liquid. I cannot.

[Melissa]

It's so funny how I tend to have a liquid thing when it comes to meals. Like I don't like soup because I don't like. To me, it confuses me that I'm drinking my meal. Like if I have soup, it has to be like a chowder or something that there's something in there I can chew.

[Advertiser]

This is.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

I think we've all talked about this. This is one of our favorite segments and I think the reason we all like it so much is because it makes us feel so normal.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Announcer]

The bird show.

[Caller/Guest]

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[Wendy]

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[Advertiser]

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[Bluff]

Get it?

[Announcer]

The Bird Show.

[Jen]

A friend of mine has a predicament I want to relay to you guys and see if you've ever been in this situation or see if you can help because both of us are kind of stuck on what to do about it. But my friend has somebody in her life who really, really doesn't like her.

[Melissa]

Okay?

[Jen]

Can't stand her for personal reasons and has sort of made it their mission to. To trash her. Right?

[Melissa]

Really. Okay?

[Jen]

Trash her reputation. Talk badly about her to anybody that will listen. Like just somebody that's just got this vendetta against her.

[Melissa]

And she's not 17 and what high

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

school does she go to?

[Jen]

No, and she's an adult and so she doesn't really have angst towards this person. She's kind of like really let it go and been like, well, that's their problem. But this person won't stop being, just aggravate, like trying to like aggravate all kinds of personal situations, get in between friendships and it's even affecting work relationships because this person works not directly in her office, but in sort of with an event connected to her work.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

So there is a.

[Melissa]

This is just a friend. This is not somebody that there's a past with this person on a romantic

[Jen]

level or anything like that. It's not an ex boyfriend or an ex girlfriend or anything like that.

[Melissa]

It's just a random person.

[Jen]

It is a person that was formerly in her friend group and they're not friends anymore. There was a falling out and it was actually years ago that the falling out all happened. But this person is still really, really mean to her, to everyone that they know mutually in common and just really sort of takes a shot at her every chance that this person gets.

[Melissa]

See, the difference between adulthood and high school is high school. I mean, this does sound so much like high school.

[Jen]

It does.

[Melissa]

And in adulthood there is legal things called restraining order. You know, I mean, because it sounds like it's harassing, you know, because if it's affecting that friend's life, then this person is actually harassing them.

[Jen]

Right?

[Melissa]

Indirectly.

[Jen]

Her question is like, how does she get this hateful Person out of her life completely.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Like, I would assume that she's already completely ignoring.

[Jen]

She does. Absolutely, completely ignores it. Like, won't give that person the time of day. Like, no response to any sort of, you know, emails that come forward or. But it's affecting. It's affecting friendships around her, and it's affecting work relationships because she does have to be in the same room with this person for a certain event that's going on. And so she's trying to figure out, like, how do. Like, how does she handle herself when she has to be in the room with this person who's always so hateful

[Melissa]

and oddly obsessed with her about her

[Jen]

behind her back and really hateful to not only her friends, but co workers. And, like, she's like, so how do I. How do I handle it?

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

So, Kiki, welcome to the bird show.

[Caller/Guest]

Good morning, guys.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

How are you, Kiki?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm good, even though I still haven't gotten my tickets yet.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Oh, you calling for Alicia Keys, right?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. But I do have a suggestion for her. Yeah, I just recently went through the exact same thing with a friend. Like, we. I thought we were, like, really, really, really close. Ten before, you know, I was putting it off. I was like, I'm gonna be the adult about it. I'm just gonna leave it alone. Until it got to the point where it started messing up my relationship with my fiance. Then I snapped. So what I did, I did the high school thing. I brought up, you know, real dirt about her, and she has left me alone.

[Melissa]

So you fought fire with fire?

[Caller/Guest]

I had to, because, like, it was just lies and lies, and she started telling everybody, friends of friends. And once it got to my fiance and, you know, he was upset about it, you know, even it wasn't true, I brought out her dirty little secrets, and I've heard nothing else.

[Jen]

So, wait, you brought them out to your fiance or to her?

[Caller/Guest]

I brought them out to her boyfriend and her baby's daddy and to her mom and to friends of friends. I did exactly what she did to me.

[Jen]

Dang. Okay, would you guys fight fire with fire is what you said.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Would you guys? And Keke, you can answer this, too. And Wendy and Melissa and Jen. For women, or actually, no, for any relationship, I would almost think it's harder to have a friendship go bad than a romantic relationship go bad. Because with a romantic relationship, you can declare whatever. Wendy and I are dating now. We hate each other. I'm allowed to publicly say, wendy drives me nuts. And she can say the same about everybody.

[Melissa]

And Everybody understands and everybody understands. And then the relationship just. It kind of over years, like you said, over time it just kind of fades away. Nobody cares anymore.

[Jen]

Right.

[Melissa]

But for this to be.

[Caller/Guest]

It's harder when it's a friendship because you're like, wow, I really thought this person was my friend. We've been through it, through everything. She's been by my side through everything that I've gone through. And then it's just like out of nowhere, you know, you started talking mess about me and for what reason? And my thing is I like your and her thing. She was jealous because of me and my fiance's relationship with my daughter. And I'm like, it's not, it's not always peaches and cream. What you say is not always that pretty. You're never at home with us when the door is closed.

[Jen]

Well, I just think too that my friend is considering going to her bosses and considering trying to say, like, this is affecting my work situation. Like, what would she do? Would she file like an official human resources complaint?

[Wendy]

I would.

[Jen]

Well, I think it's not like, it's not like this person has like attacked her, but it's like, it's like verbal harassment through other people. Does that make sense when you get to work, like, creates a hostile environment

[Melissa]

and that's, I mean, when it comes to work, when it comes to your personal life, I mean, that's emotionally draining. But when it comes to work, I mean that's, that's when. Yeah, like I said earlier, as an adult, you can actually file things against people, you know, like you couldn't in high school.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, Terry, welcome to the show.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey. Yeah, all she has to do is get a restraining order. I went through this for two years with my crazy ex husband. He was sending nasty emails to me, to my friends, making obliged phone calls. I started saving the voicemails. I put all the nasty voicemails on a cd. I had my friend send me a copy of the nasty emails that he sent as well as the ones he sent to me. Took them all to court, got a restraining order, no problem. And then that stopped him, my friends, anybody else. So rather than fight fire with fire, keep your mouth shut, save all your crap and take her to court.

[Melissa]

I do like the save all the stuff, like document everything that somebody brings back to the friend. If the friend sees any emails or anything. I would keep that as well. But I wonder, has anyone ever put a restraining out or restraining order out on an ex friend because she did it to an ex husband? It's like Jeff said, well, that makes sense. Everybody understands that.

[Jen]

Right? That makes sense. And like, a court of law would be like, okay, what's an ex husband? Whatever, whatever. But this is an ex friend.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Here's an HR person.

[Jen]

Okay, perfect.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

And before we talk to. Is it Catherine?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

All right. Before we talk to Kathryn, in the hierarchy of the organization, who is more valuable, your friend or the person attacking

[Melissa]

your friend to that work environment?

[Jen]

I think to that work environment, it's my friend who's the most valuable to the company.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Okay, Katherine, go ahead.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi. Yeah, I'm a human resources manager, and I would say absolutely she should go and file a complaint, especially since it's affecting her work and could possibly affect her work performance. She should absolutely go and file a complaint.

[Melissa]

Does it make her complaint more valid if she has witnesses to, like, if instead of it being. She said, and that person says, could it be like, if another person at that work environment heard something that that person said that was mean? Should that person go to the hr?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, it does help if you have witnesses, because the he said, she said really is tough to. To handle as an hr. But it does help if you have witnesses. Definitely.

[Jen]

And what's the official complaint? Like, that person's creating a hostile work environment.

[Caller/Guest]

Yep. Absolutely.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Melissa]

Okay, Great idea.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Thank you for the call, Catherine.

[Jen]

That's good.

[Melissa]

That is just so juvenile. I mean, it's really juvenile.

[Jen]

And it's like, my friend doesn't understand it. She's like, it was so long ago. Like, let it go. I don't have any hard feelings towards you. Like, just leave me alone. Like, get out of my life and go away. And she keeps, like, trying to behave in this way, but it just. She's like, it just won't. It won't. Nothing changes.

[Caller/Guest]

It.

[Jen]

It just continues and it persists, and it's this hateful, mean behavior. It's like, how do you cut somebody out of your life that's that obsessed with being hateful towards you?

[Melissa]

Because in high school, you're forced to be in class together, Right. In adult life, you surround yourself with people you can get along with, and that's just like the fat that needs to be cut out.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

It is really odd with. With. With friendships that end as adults because you're not allowed to say. It's. You're not allowed to say, I don't like that person anymore. Like, if Melissa and I had a falling out, I'm not allowed to declare. You know what? I just.

[Bluff]

I'm not.

[Melissa]

I don't like that. I'm taking my ball and I'm going home.

[Caller/Guest]

Right?

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

You just can't do that. And you know what? You should be able to do that as an adult. You should be able to declare anyone you want. You should be able to announce, they're not my friend, you're not my friend anymore.

[Melissa]

Don't come to my house ever again.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Melissa Carter, get out of my house.

[Announcer]

You're on the Vert show.

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[Bluff]

Listen, it's the vert show.

[Melissa]

All right, now this is a conversation for girls. Now maybe guys can, you know, have an opinion on it, but guys usually don't cry very much. They always talk about how you can ask. We've asked Jeff, we've asked Bert, in the past, how many times in your life have you cried? And it's almost like a handful of times where a woman can cry a handful of times in a day.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

So, and this is fascinating because you talk about the crying being like a cleansing thing, like where there might not be anything sad or upsetting, but just a hundred little things. And you're like, you know what? I'm just stressed.

[Melissa]

Correct. That is absolutely correct. I think a lot of times guys mistake that for weakness, but that's just, that's how we can handle things, is, is by crying. And so last night I told these guys when I came in and I didn't have to tell them because it's evident I had a good cry last night. So it was one of those that I think, I mean, and it was, I mean there's so many things going on at the time, so I couldn't. It was not tears about one thing. It was, you know, I am assuming that a lot of it stemmed from the fact that I'm just. I'm frustrated that I don't feel good. You know, Like, I've talked about how I've battled this ear infection for the past six weeks. Before that, I had broken my ankle and was around on a cast for three months. So since September, I have not been 100%. And I think maybe last night it was just at the boiling point that I had to get it out. And so I had a good cry last night. And a lot of times for women, if you don't feel good and. And again, Wendy and I joked I had to check the calendar to see if the hormones added to it.

[Jen]

Oh, trust me, it always throws you over the top.

[Melissa]

Yeah. But it was a hard.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

By the way, I also need to watch the super bowl somewhere this weekend to regain some masculinity because this is the second time today we've had this conversation. Go ahead, girls.

[Melissa]

Anyway, so. But let me give the phone number at 404-741-Q100 because I do need swollen eye remedies because the good cry last night was a good heart. I mean, it started off is tear and then a little more tears and then need a Kleenex to wipe it off. And then I just let it go. I mean, I had a good hard cry. So I think.

[Jen]

And those don't come as often. Women cry and we have like a little cry. But like the really hard ones where it's for a while.

[Melissa]

Yes. I don't know.

[Jen]

The last time I did that let it just be overwhelming.

[Melissa]

Right?

[Wendy]

It was just.

[Melissa]

Yeah, it's just one of those.

[Jen]

Usually those are after like a huge breakup, like where you just put yourself to sleep crying and you're like in sweatpants for two weeks and that whole thing. But yeah, when you just get overwhelmed and let it go, your eyes get swollen shut.

[Melissa]

Yes. And so I said last night that I thought that my mistake was this happened right before I went to bed. And then I went to bed because I know for me, if I cry and I don't let myself stay vertical for gravity to help with the swelling, and I lay down. I mean, I actually put like a cold cloth on my eyes and put a little ice on my eyes before I went to bed, thinking that would be fine. So I woke up this morning, and

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

I'll go one step further than talking about guys crying. I don't ever recall Ever crying to the point where it's affected my eyes. Like, being swollen or anything.

[Wendy]

Really?

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Yep. Like, to that length? I don't think so.

[Jen]

Really?

[Wendy]

A good cry, you need a good

[Jen]

nap right afterwards or you need just

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

to go to bed.

[Melissa]

You sleep heavy. But, yeah, I woke up this morning and it was one of those things. Like, I woke up up in my eyes, and I blinked a little bit and I thought, well, they do feel a little funny, but I think they're okay. Like, I fooled myself into thinking they're okay, so. Because especially I can see. I can see. I could open them. But the remedy, though, of course, comes with the fact I knew I had to go to work this morning. So I got up and I went to the bathroom, and I was shocked at what I saw because I think that it is the worst swelling I've ever had after a cry. Because, you know, sometimes I can get in the shower or in an hour or two, it'll be fine. But, I mean, I am in a low. Like, I'm in a ball cap where the bill is, like, over my eyes, so the shadows cover my eyes, because it is that bad. I went to the bathroom not too long ago, and it's still the.

[Jen]

Check them out. The poofiness still.

[Melissa]

Yes. And so this morning, I thought one of my first thoughts was, I wish I knew a remedy that I could at least, you know, curb it a little bit, because it looks so bad. Like, Katie actually got up to go get a drink of water, I guess, because the dogs made noise and woke her up. And then when she came back down the hall, I said, do you want to see my eyes? And she came in and she looked at him and she said, I've never seen him look like that. And then she said, do you want me to go slice you some cucumbers?

[Jen]

Cucumbers do work, but you've got to be able to lay still with the cucumbers. Like, if you put the cucumbers on your eyes and then, like, a cold, wet washcloth to kind of push them down, that definitely helps. But you gotta be able to lay down flat for however long.

[Melissa]

Yeah. And that's what you're doing.

[Jen]

You don't have that time before work in the morning.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Yeah.

[Jen]

You can't do that at your office.

[Melissa]

So. Yeah. So basically, my question is. I mean, I know. Long story short, too late. Is that I do need a remedy for what I can put in my pantry, the bathroom, in case this ever happens again.

[Wendy]

Quick fix.

[Jen]

Yeah, yeah. Like some sort of cream or Some sort of.

[Melissa]

Because I. I thought if I was a TV personality, I'd had to call in sick.

[Jen]

No, you couldn't go to work.

[Melissa]

I could not go to work. I don't see how TV people do it. Because women in tv, they. I mean, they have to cry, right?

[Jen]

I think.

[Melissa]

I don't know, they get to the point where they're. They, they don't.

[Jen]

I think they cut off a lot of that anyway. That's my perception for survival. You know what? We should ask Karen and Jill about it.

[Melissa]

Yes, we'll ask Karen and Jill.

[Jen]

Next time you do Skype, you gotta put that as your topic and ask them.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, Cheryl. Welcome to the View. This is Delilah.

[Caller/Guest]

3 o' clock in the morning. Had to be at work by 9. And I have those swollen eyes. My remedy is if you get up in the morning, I've got a coffee filter. My coffee pot is set automatically. It starts to brew as soon as it's done. My alarm goes off. I go in there, grab the filter with the coffee ground still in it, set it on my eyes. It takes the swelling out of your eyes. Plus, if you're ever going out and you've got a bikini thing that you gotta go, you got a little bit of cellulite problem. You can even lay the coffee grinds in the filter on that and it decreases any puffiness or swelling.

[Melissa]

Really. Oh, man, that would have been great this morning. I had that.

[Advertiser]

So you have.

[Jen]

You have to hold up the coffee filter with the grinds in it and put that on the place.

[Melissa]

Yes, that's swollen. That's what she's saying.

[Jen]

That's good. I wonder if that works for acne bumps, too.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't know.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, Tracy, welcome to the show.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't know if this should be part of my normal segment.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

But Preparation H, I thought of that.

[Melissa]

I've heard that before.

[Jen]

Do you really put that near your eyes?

[Caller/Guest]

You don't. You just put it like on the top of your eyelid, but you don't want to put it too close to your eyelash so that eventually. And you don't put that much. Just a little dab, just kind of. You can actually just, you know, smooth it out on your fingers and then just kind of put it on your lids and it does. It works.

[Melissa]

Okay, I'm going to go get some put in.

[Jen]

But you got to go easy on that application.

[Wendy]

You don't want that in your eyeball.

[Jen]

You don't want that to get on your eyelashes and then get into your eyes.

[Melissa]

Exactly.

[Caller/Guest]

But you just do it just on the lid, just a little bit, and just rub it in really good. Do you notice? You'll notice the difference.

[Jen]

Do you do it underneath for the bags as well?

[Caller/Guest]

I've never done it underneath. I know I've done it because typically, if I cry, my top lids are the issues. I'm always a really swollen one, so I've never done it underneath. But, I mean, I can't imagine why you can't do it. But just don't put it near the lining of your eyes.

[Melissa]

Right? Yeah. I described myself to these guys this morning as Rocky after a fight. I mean, my eyes, literally, when I cry, top, bottom side, like in my nose area, right there at the corner of my eye that swelled this morning. I look horrible.

[Jen]

You cry pretty, though. I cry real ugly.

[Melissa]

You've never seen me cry that hard.

[Jen]

Is there anybody that hard? But I've seen you cry before, and you cry pretty, so just know that while you're crying, you look pretty. It's just afterwards, you gotta fix.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

When we finish this, can we.

[Jen]

I got the whole thing ugly. I got the whole ugly cry thing. Like, we were talking to Joanna earlier, and producer Joanna says she cries. I'm like, yeah, but you cry pretty like one of those Hispanic soap operas. She's just stabbing, where it's just like a little tear is, like, splotchy, red, swollen. My nose is like Rudolph, like.

[Wendy]

So you can't go on the Bachelor?

[Jen]

No.

[Melissa]

Oh, my God.

[Bluff]

Never.

[Jen]

I could never go on one of those shows because they would give me enough wine to make me cry, and I would be like, the ugly crier is what they would have up there, like, as my name.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, Lindsay. Welcome to the show.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey. Hey, Melissa. I have this problem every single time I cry, and that's, of course, every day with me. Sometimes what I do, I take five minutes, and if you go get some green tea bags and wet them with cool water, take five minutes, put them on your eyes, and then it goes away within five minutes.

[Melissa]

And use cool water on that.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, cool water. Just get them a little bit. Cool. I actually read about this in Cosmo. Some, like, makeup person said that to do it, like, any kind of swelling with your eyes. And I've done it ever since. It works every time.

[Melissa]

Fantastic. Thank you so much. And we're not laughing at you. We're like, what are you all laughing at? Drinking the tea afterwards or something?

[Jen]

No, no, he's talking about something else.

[Melissa]

I didn't catch it. Anyway, after this, can we. You know what I'M not putting that on my eye. I can tell you that. If it works, I don't give a damn how swollen they are. They ain't going nowhere near my eye. I do want to say. And I got an email. Jeff is so uncomfortable.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

I know. Can we do. Can we look for things that will reduce my growing vagina after this segment? Some sort of cream or salve or surgery or anything.

[Melissa]

I got an email from a listener who said that Mary Kay actually sells a product called Indulging Soothing eye Gel for this very purpose.

[Jen]

It doesn't even matter how expensive it is.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jen]

You gotta take out a loan and buy it.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, Kelly.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

How are you?

[Melissa]

Hi.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

What's up?

[Caller/Guest]

Nothing much. Mayonnaise works very well for swollen eyes.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Really?

[Jen]

Oh, isn't it oily from the fridge? So wait, so you put it on there for how long and then you got to wash it off? Obviously doesn't sink in.

[Caller/Guest]

No. Probably about five, ten minutes. My mom used to do it with me when I was younger. I got stung by bee and found out that I was allergic to him and my eyes swelled shut and the next day at school was picture day. Oops.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

I just disconnected her. Sorry.

[Melissa]

Huh.

[Caller/Guest]

And 10 minutes it was gone.

[Melissa]

Really? Okay. Cold mayo minutes.

[Jen]

Cold mayo and wash it off.

[Caller/Guest]

I like that.

[Melissa]

Okay, cool. Thank you so much.

[Jen]

Everybody's got a jar.

[Melissa]

I had mayonnaise this morning. I may have had green tea bags somewhere. And the coffee filters are.

[Bluff]

So if you came, if you came

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

in smelling like green tea mayonnaise and Leah here is saying the cucumbers, I would have gotten hungry.

[Bluff]

This is the bird show. What's going on, everyone? It's bluff here and we're driving through the states in the bluff mobile and the best thing that we can do is play our favorite casino style games on Spin Quest. They have over a thousand games including live dealer blackjack and craps. With tons of slots and unlimited options, you can get a 30 coin pack for just $10. For new users sign up today, go to spinquest.com right now.

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[Advertiser]

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[Announcer]

This is the Birch Show.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

We're talking about the Super Bowl. And off the air, we just had a long conversation about favorite and least favorite commercials right during. I know the Snickers one got a lot of talk, but I didn't see that one.

[Melissa]

I didn't see that one either.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Betty White was in that.

[Melissa]

Oh, that's the one. No, they were. I did see that one. That was where it was a bunch of guys just playing backyard football. Yeah, but at the beginning of the commercial, you see Betty White as one of the people playing as the receiver and, like, just getting hit and knocked around all over the place. And so the quarterback comes up to her and says, I mean, what is wrong with you? You're playing like Betty White. And he goes, I'm just. I'm just so worn out. Then a girl comes up to him and says, honey, here's a snicker. And once Betty White ate the snicker, she turned into a guy and said, thanks so much. And so. Yeah, so that was cute.

[Caller/Guest]

Very. Cut.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Mike, come on, Mike, what is your deal, man?

[Advertiser]

Come on, man.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

You've been riding me all day. Mike, you're playing like Betty White out there. That's not what your girlfriend says, baby.

[Melissa]

Whoa, whoa.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

So what we're gonna do is play these commercials, and you guys have to try to remember what the. And you can call to 404-741-Q100, call and try to identify the business.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Based on the product, based on the audio from the commercial.

[Wendy]

Okay.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

When I first started, I was like, casual Fridays, awesome morning. I kind of changed my position a little.

[Announcer]

I mean, if people want to express

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

themselves, I am right there with you.

[Melissa]

Hi.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, Terry. We've decided to make Casual Fridays all week.

[Announcer]

Of course, if it's mandatory, it can't be casual.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Nice pants, Terry.

[Wendy]

That one's awesome.

[Jen]

Is that the one where they're all in their underwear?

[Melissa]

Yeah. Do you want us to answer? You want listeners?

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

If you know. Yeah, listeners can call in and we'll. We'll play them for you on the phone. But, yeah, if you. Do you know what it is?

[Melissa]

Well, my first guess is monster.com?

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

wrong.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Jen]

It's for lead pants.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Wrong.

[Wendy]

Well, I can't.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Oh, yeah.

[Wendy]

Because I have the answers in front of me, so.

[Melissa]

Because it's a. It's for finding a New job.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Yes.

[Melissa]

And my first thought is monster.com careerbuilder.com career. Sorry. Career builder. Yeah, same.

[Jen]

Gotcha.

[Melissa]

Brandy.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

I'm honored to be here after 29 seasons and 50 years old. When you're older than most of the fans and coaches and owners, it's tough

[Announcer]

taking orders from people.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Should probably retire after this. I don't know.

[Caller/Guest]

Maybe we don't know what things will

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

be like 10 years, years from now.

[Jen]

I love that one.

[Wendy]

I just love that Brett Favre has such a great sense of humor about retiring.

[Jen]

Do you think he actually did it? Do you think he participated in the commercial, or did they just superimpose him from some other speech?

[Wendy]

Yeah, he participated.

[Jen]

He did.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Yeah. That was really. Because he was talking about.

[Jen]

I remember the ad. I just can't remember what it's for. Is it Bud Light?

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

I mean, he was great, and he was. Yeah, it was intense.

[Melissa]

This is supposed to be 2020.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

That's what I said. He said after 30 years.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I guess. Dodge boy.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Melissa's not an advertiser's friend today. Anyone else?

[Jen]

I was going with, like, Bud Light,

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hyundai.

[Wendy]

Melissa was close.

[Melissa]

I. I got. I'm in the same.

[Jen]

You know, you're in the right industry.

[Melissa]

In. Right industry. But I just.

[Jen]

That Dodge commercial. That Dodge Charger commercial was hilarious.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

The guy one.

[Jen]

The guy one where he was like, I will take out the recycling.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

See, I thought that was too. I thought it was long and boring.

[Jen]

I thought it was so funny.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Too long. It took too long to get to the message.

[Jen]

I was like, man's last stand.

[Melissa]

I loved it.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, Denisha.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, you want to try to guess this next one?

[Caller/Guest]

Sure.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

All right.

[Melissa]

Since we can't get it right.

[Jen]

Okay, so it's 3708.

[Wendy]

Paper, plastic.

[Bluff]

Plastic.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

That's the magic word. Green police.

[Caller/Guest]

You picked the wrong day to mess

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

with the ecosystem, plastic boy.

[Jen]

I know this one.

[Caller/Guest]

You better.

[Melissa]

I know.

[Caller/Guest]

Let's go. Take the house.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Put the rind down, sir.

[Jen]

That's a compost infraction. This is funny. I love that one.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Dinesha. What do you think it is?

[Caller/Guest]

I have no idea. I couldn't even hear it.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Jen.

[Jen]

I remember the Eco Police, but I can't remember what it was for. It was so funny.

[Melissa]

Audi. Oh, yeah.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Melissa has. Melissa has to get that right or she gets fired.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Jimmy all of a sudden is like, thank God I wear no pants.

[Caller/Guest]

I wear no pants.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

I wear. I wear no.

[Caller/Guest]

We. I wear no pants.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, Joy. Hey, Joy.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Were you able to hear that last One?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

The I Wear no pants chant.

[Caller/Guest]

Yep. Do you know who it was that was on Dockers?

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Very good. Finally, we're five commercials in and finally somebody's got it.

[Wendy]

Jeff, did you log on and get your free pair of pants?

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

I didn't. Can you really get free pants?

[Melissa]

Because it's time for men to wear the pants again. That was their tagline.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

I don't believe in free pants.

[Melissa]

He sits in his underwear. It's casual Friday for Jeff every day.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, Colleen.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Hey, you want to try to guess this next one?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Okay, go ahead.

[Announcer]

Get born, get slapped. Now get to school. Be good at sports, always look cool. Lift weights, be strong, know how to fight, Stay out late. But be polite now. Find a nice girl who'll say, I do. Then have three kids who look just like you. Break the leaves from the hedge and mow the yard.

[Caller/Guest]

Honey, can you.

[Announcer]

If you hear a noise in the middle of the night, go check it out with the flashlight. You've reached a stage where you feel at ease. You've come this far. And it wasn't a breeze. You can take on anything.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Of course you can. Because you're a man.

[Melissa]

Cause you're a man.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Colleen, did you hear it?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. It's the body wash. That's right.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

I actually. My thought.

[Jen]

Body wash for men.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

My thought with that was, I still think it's going to be tough to get a guy to wash with something called dove. Like they should.

[Jen]

No, they make it in that manly looking bottle. Dark blue. It's still dovey. And it is body wash slate.

[Melissa]

Just spray some musk on you afterwards. A man.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

All right, we'll do one more right now. You want to try to guess this?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

All right. Yes. Yes, I will.

[Caller/Guest]

Yellow one, blue one.

[Melissa]

Red one, white one.

[Caller/Guest]

Black one, Silver one, gray one, red one, green one, green one.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Candace, do you remember that one?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

What was it?

[Caller/Guest]

Bud Light.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Nope.

[Wendy]

No, not Bud Light.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Not even. She didn't even know. She was just throwing it out there. She's like, you know, Bud Light ran a lot of spots, but Budweiser?

[Melissa]

I don't know.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Jenny, have a guess.

[Jen]

No, I don't.

[Melissa]

Volkswagen.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

Yes. There's the Punch Bug commercial.

[Melissa]

And it makes me sad because they don't make bugs anymore. Like they did a Punch Bug commercial. But the thing is, they were punching at every Volkswagen that went by.

[Host (possibly Jeff or Bert)]

But you know what they're calling it? Punch Dub.

[Melissa]

Right. But it's from Punch Bug. Yeah, but the funny part was that it was Tracy Morgan and Stevie Wonder at the end and Stevie Wonder punched Tracy Morgan and you know, and Transformers. How did you know? So it's very funny.

[Jen]

That's cute.

[Announcer]

It's the vert show.

[Bluff]

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[Announcer]

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[Advertiser]

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