The Bert Show

Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Episode: Full Show PT 2: Monday, December 29 [Vault]
Date: December 29, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into two main topics: the recurring patterns that spark arguments in romantic relationships, and the universal misery of dealing with traffic in Atlanta. The cast shares real-life anecdotes and invites listeners to call in with their own stories and relationship landmines—those phrases or behaviors guaranteed to escalate a fight. The tone is candid, witty, and often self-deprecating, keeping things light even while discussing the frustrations and foibles of daily life.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Relationship Arguments: “Fighting Fair” and Phrases That Always Start a Fight

(Main Segment: 01:30–17:47)

The Pizza Stone Incident

• Jeff’s confession: He recounts a kitchen meltdown over making pizza, which turned into a broader conflict about how he and his wife communicate.
  • “It wasn’t even a fight. It was a temper tantrum by me...I’ll take the blame for it.” – Jeff (01:36)
• Trigger phrase: The argument starts when Jeff says, “I wish you hadn’t thrown out our pizza stone,” a seemingly minor comment that opens the floodgates.
• Insight: The cast notes many fights aren’t about the issue at hand, but about how things are said and perceived. Small remarks easily trigger defensiveness.

Universal Argument Starters

• Host discussion and caller input: They brainstorm and joke about sentences guaranteed to start fights in relationships:
  • “You shouldn’t have...” – (06:11)
  • “Don’t blame me because you’re not prepared.” – (06:19)
  • “You’re just like your mother.” – (06:23)
  • “What, you never...” or “That’s typical” – (06:59)
  • “Why is that my job?” – (08:07)
  • “You are such a guy/woman.” – (10:35)
  • “Are you menstruating?/It must be that time of month.” – (11:01)
  • “First of all...” – (12:54)
  • “That figures.” – (13:31)
  • “Grow up.” – (14:37)
  • “Why don’t you just relax?” or “Calm down.” – (15:05, 15:26)
  • “It’s always about you.” – (16:03)
  • “You’re always right. I’m wrong.” – (16:14)
  • “Common sense should tell you...” – (17:21)
  • “And you wonder why I drink.” – (17:40)

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On communication:
  • “If there was a law that required everyone to pause just two seconds before they said what they had to say, fights would be cut by two thirds, if not more.” – Jeff (01:56)
• On digging up the past in fights:
  • “If you are failing at your fight, people naturally will take out old bullets from an old gun and try to shoot it again.” – (07:05)
• On ‘fixing’ arguments:
  • “If a guy says, ‘Have you seen my keys?’ in the right tone, your wife is more likely to help you look for them rather than ‘Where are my keys?’ Keeper of my things.” – (09:04)
• On the futility of certain apology tactics:
  • “I found that, a lot of times, if you are fighting with a woman and you say, ‘You must be menstruating,’ that really...smooths things over.” – Jeff (11:01, tongue-in-cheek/joking)

Audience Participation

• Listeners call in, echoing that certain phrases just make things worse. Common themes are escalating defensiveness, belittling, or invoking past grievances.
• Advice: Avoid arguing about everything ever done wrong. Best to resolve the argument in the moment, but hosts admit it’s hard (“I need 24 hours to cool down after a fight.” – 16:53)

2. Atlanta Traffic Nightmares

(Main Segment: 21:13–27:45)

Dylan’s Traffic Rant

• A listener, Dylan, calls in furious about citywide gridlock and “almost quits” both the commute and, jokingly, life itself.
  • “He was really calling in just to turn in his resignation because he did not want to be here.” – (21:36)

Listeners Quit Jobs Over Traffic

• Several callers share epic stories of traffic driving them to quit on the spot or abandon their cars altogether:
  • Denny: Once directed his passenger to dismantle a DOT fence so he could drive off-road and escape the jam, eventually making it home. (21:54–22:47)
  • Matt: After consistently brutal commutes, decided to stop showing up for work—sometimes rode the emergency lane rather than be late. (22:52–23:48)
  • Pam: Quit her job at Hooters during the Olympics because the traffic and parking were so unbearable—“I just had to give up. I went home.” (24:35–25:15)

Cast Shares Their Traffic Coping Tactics

• Stories about abandoning all patience at red lights in the early hours, or running lights out of frustration:
  • “I was so impatient today… I ran like two red lights just because I didn’t feel like waiting.” – (27:10)
• Joking about reviewing every budget motel and hitting up Waffle House for long, impromptu breakfasts as a way to pass the time instead of fighting traffic.

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “I told my co-worker to get out, walk the DOT fence line, and find a section he could tear down… he was jumping up and down on it like a trampoline.” – Denny (21:54)
• “I could see it was going to take over two hours to get to work. So I just called and said I wouldn’t be coming in… I just rode the emergency lane.” – Matt (23:23)
• “The tips are not going to be worth this. Is that really a devastating career move, quitting Hooters?” (25:15, humorous tone)
• “If I’m commuting, this is where you find a Waffle House. You buy a newspaper… you have a long breakfast and enjoy your coffee.” – (26:27)

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• “If there was a law that required everyone to pause just two seconds before they said what they had to say, fights would be cut by two thirds, if not more.” – Jeff (01:56)
• “You shouldn’t have.” / “Don’t blame me because you’re not prepared.” – Multiple hosts (06:11)
• “You’re just like your mother.” – (06:23)
• “Why is that my job?” – (08:07)
• “I found that, a lot of times, if you are fighting with a woman and you say, ‘You must be menstruating,’ that really...smooths things over.” – Jeff, jokey (11:01)
• “If you say, ‘Why don’t you just relax?’... it totally diminishes the emotion of the other person you’re in the argument with.” – (15:09)
• “The worst thing is when they say, ‘Why don’t you just relax?’” – Mandy, caller (15:05)
• “I told my co-worker to get out, walk the DOT fence… I drove off the embankment through the fence.” – Denny, caller (21:54)
• “I actually did. There was a tanker truck that exploded… I walked to the Hooters… got hammered. Left my car all night.” – (23:59)
• “The tips are not gonna be worth this. Is that really a devastating career move, quitting Hooters?” – (25:15)
• “If I’m commuting, this is where you find a Waffle House… you just have a long breakfast.” – (26:27)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 01:30–17:47: “Landmine” Phrases in Relationships & How Couples Fight
• 21:13–27:45: Atlanta Traffic Horror Stories/Listeners Quitting Because of Commutes

Episode Tone and Style

• Candid, quick-witted, and self-deprecating: The cast isn’t afraid to laugh at themselves, vent about partners, or commiserate with callers.
• Interactive: Several listeners join by phone, and their real stories add to the humor and sense of community.
• Relatable & authentic: Topics like household squabbles and nightmare traffic are handled with empathy and everyday realism.
• Occasionally irreverent: Hosts joke about “fighting tactics” and even playfully roast each other.

Summary for Non-Listeners

In this Bert Show episode, the crew and their audience dissect the ways couples accidentally torpedo their own arguments, revealing how certain trigger phrases nearly guarantee a fight. They collect both hilarious and all-too-real examples (like “You’re just like your mother” or “Why is that my job?”) and admit: It’s less about the subject and more about how you say it. The second half switches gears to Atlanta traffic, where listeners vent about commutes so horrendous they’ve quit jobs, gone off-road, or simply walked away. If you enjoy witty banter about the small (but meaningful) frustrations of modern life, you'll find yourself nodding (or laughing) along.