Full Show PT 2: Monday, March 9

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Monday, March 9 (2026)
Summary & Notable Moments

---

Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into two key themes:

1. The dynamics of friendship-turned-romance, particularly the idea that men may maintain platonic relationships with hidden romantic intentions.
2. Wild, real-world experiences, from relationships with married people to a truly unhinged telemarketing call.

The show balances candid, often hilarious listener and host stories with light-hearted banter, all while exploring the sometimes uncomfortable truths of modern relationships and social interactions.

---

1. Can Men and Women Really Be Just Friends?

(00:59–10:40)

Key Discussion Points:

• Male “Holding On” Gear: Burt describes a recurring topic—men’s tendency to be “just friends” with women they have lingering feelings for, sometimes waiting years for a potential romantic opening.
  • “We will put on the face just so we can be close to you guys and wait and wait and wait and sort of hide those feelings until the time opens up to where we can tell you, okay, I love you.” – Burt (02:08)
• Female Perspective: Co-hosts and callers question this behavior; some see it as manipulative, others as just human.
  • “Why would a guy do that? That’s shady.” – Co-host (04:17)
  • Female caller Chantel says, “Girls do have that gear. It’s just...the guys are just oblivious to it.” – Chantel (04:31)
• Irreversible Confessions: Once feelings are admitted, can you really go back to being friends?
  • “You can’t go back to being friends after he confesses feelings.” – Co-host (03:44)
• Real-Life Stories from Callers: Listeners share their journeys from friendship to romance, including:
  • Six years as friends before dating and marrying (Katie, 05:29)
  • Secret feelings while in other relationships
  • Marrying a neighbor and long-time friend after both exited previous marriages (Anthony, 07:20)
  • Cases where the woman did or didn’t reciprocate feelings, and the impact of waiting/hoping

Notable Quotes:

• “I always knew it from the first day I met him that I was gonna marry him.” – Katie (05:55)
• “I held on, holding on, holding on...just hoping, please, please dump them.” – Burt (03:46)
• "She's got no problem spending my money, though." – Kyle (09:48)

Timestamps & Highlights:

• 01:00 – Burt presents the "friend zone" dilemma.
• 03:44 – “You can’t go back…” turning point for friendships.
• 05:29 – Katie’s success story: Six years as friends to marriage.
• 07:20 – Neighbor best friends who became a married couple.
• 09:01 – Kyle realizes his feelings may be taken advantage of, laughter about her looks.

---

2. Wild Stories: Infidelity, Ethics, & The Mistress “Interview”

(10:41–18:38)

Key Discussion Points:

• Accidental Date With a Married Man: Chantel recounts being unintentionally set up as a potential mistress by a married man.
  • “He actually invited me to lunch to see if I was a fitting suitor for his mistress." – Chantel (12:52)
  • The man is open about cheating, claims loyalty to his mistress, and asserts his wife “kind of knows.”
• Code of Ethics for Infidelity?: Conversation about modern marriage arrangements and the rationale (or rationalization) behind secret affairs.
  • “He said, ‘I don’t fool around on my mistress.’” – Chantel (14:13)
  • "You should trust him because he can be loyal to you even though he is cheating on his wife." – Burt’s summary (15:15)
• Societal Observations: Hosts speculate about “sexless marriages” and open secrets.
  • “Are there people...longer than a year without sex...sort of assumed you’re having sex with other people?” – Burt (18:02)
  • “Oprah just did a whole show on sexless marriages...completely functioning as roommates.” – Co-host (18:13)

Notable Quotes:

• “It was like an interview…I was in an interview, and I said, does your wife know I'm here?” – Chantel (13:20)
• “There’s all these women in Atlanta, and only one gets to be his mistress.” – Co-host teasing Chantel (16:20)

Timestamps & Highlights:

• 10:57 – Chantel introduces her story about dating a married man
• 12:52 – The “mistress interview” revelation
• 14:13 – The man’s code of “mistress fidelity”
• 15:28 – “I actually asked him if he brought his mistress around his kids...he has.” – Chantel (15:29–15:37)
• 18:02 – Discussion about sexless marriages and their implications

---

3. The Legendary “Life Destroyer” Telemarketer Call

(18:54–26:08)

Key Discussion Points:

• The Call: The show shares audio from a genuine, almost surreal call from an outraged woman threatening police and legal action against telemarketers.
  • “I actually had an appendix rupture because of telemarketing calls!” – Caller (19:44)
  • Threats include social services, lawsuits, and eternal phone spam for the telemarketer’s family
  • The hosts (and callers) can barely believe what they’re hearing
• Workplace Morale: Call center staffers admit to replaying similar “crazy” calls for comedy and catharsis.
  • “That right there is like Christmas morning if you work in the office.” – Co-host (23:42)

Memorable Moments & Quotes:

• “You are a pain maker. You are a murderer. You are a life destroyer. You are nasty human beings.” – Furious caller (21:32)
• “You hurt people for a living. You ruin lives.” – Hosts (23:56, 25:02)
• “We have never had anything like that.” – Dee, call center manager (25:44)

Timestamps & Highlights:

• 19:11 – Setup for the telemarketer call
• 19:44 – Caller asserts, “I actually had an appendix rupture because of telemarketing calls!”
• 22:00–22:43 – Height of the caller’s threats and drama
• 24:26–25:08 – Call center manager Dee finds comic relief, reprises the infamous “You hurt people for a living” line

---

Tone & Style Highlights

• Conversational & Candid: The Bert Show’s signature style—a blend of playful mocking, real vulnerability, and audience participation.
• Authenticity: Hosts and callers openly admit their shortfalls, laugh at themselves, and get frank about human nature.
• Community: The callers’ stories spark group reflection, validation, and comic relief (often at their own expense).

---

Notable Quotes: Quick Reference

• On Romantic Waiting:
  “We will put on the face just so we can be close to you guys…and sort of hide those feelings until the time opens up.” – Burt (02:08)
• On Manipulative Friendships:
  “Why would a guy do that? That’s shady.” – Co-host (04:17)
• On Infidelity:
  “I was in an interview, and I said, does your wife know I'm here?” – Chantel (13:20)
• On Telemarketing Fury:
  "You are a life destroyer. You are a pain maker. You are a murderer." – Caller with intense personality (21:32)
• On Workplace Laughter:
  “That right there is like Christmas morning if you work in the office.” – Co-host (23:42)

---

Top 3 Must-Listen Segments & Timestamps

1. The Truth About Platonic Friendship? — 01:00–10:40
   Real talk and real stories on secret romantic agendas.
2. Chantel’s “Mistress Interview” — 10:41–18:38
   Surreal honesty about infidelity ethics and Atlanta’s relationship realities.
3. The Legendary Telemarketing Meltdown — 18:54–25:08
   A laugh-out-loud, jaw-dropping descent into telephonic madness.

---

Miss this episode? You missed…

• Brave discussions about the “friend zone” and who really waits the longest for love.
• Eye-opening first-person accounts of infidelity and modern relationships.
• One of the wildest audio clips ever aired on morning radio.

---

The Bert Show: The best way to make your mornings bearable—whether you’re seeking laughs, escape, or a little bit of both.

Transcript

[RealReal Advertiser]

So you're running out of closet space. The good news, you don't need to stop shopping. You just need to start selling with the RealReal. The RealReal is the world's largest and most trusted resource for authenticated luxury resale. Whether it's that mini bag that can't even fit your phone or those boots you never fully broke in, the RealReal handles everything from photography and copywriting to shipping and pricing. So you can just sit back, get paid, and make room for things that actually feel like you. And with 10,000 new arrivals every single day from top designers like Prar, Prada, Celine, Louis Vuitton, and Loewe, all for up to 90% off retail, you're bound to find something perfectly on brand to fill that extra closet space with. Plus, right now, you can get an extra $100 to shop when you sell for the first time. Make room for what feels like you go to therealreal.com to start selling and get your extra $100 to keep [e-mail] that's therealreal.com terms apply.

[Burt]

The bird show. All right, I'm gonna do something here that may be a little bit dangerous to you women listening right now. And this came up over the weekend. I was. I told you guys earlier, I went to the opening of the Buckhead W. And they had a great party there on Saturday night. And a Birch show listener, a guy came up to me, and he's with a really attractive. I thought it was his girlfriend. You could just kind of, you know how, like, you're around some people and you could sort of feel a chemistry and you just assume that they're a couple? Well, I'm talking to both of them, and then she goes and talks to some other friends, and he says to me, you guys brought something up on the show a couple of weeks ago. I gotta talk to you about real quick. And I said, what's that? And he said, do you remember when you said something to the effect of, like, guys have this gear that women don't have to be in a relationship, a friend relationship with somebody, but you really have secrets or you have secret feelings for them, Right? Guys remember me telling you that?

[Caller/Co-host]

But you said, guys will wait around forever as a friend for a long time.

[Burt]

For a long time as a friend. He said, he's in that situation right now. And the girl that he was with, they have been boyfriend, not boyfriend, girlfriend, just friends for years, like three years. And he has seen her go through ups and downs and relationships and stuff like that. And realized about a year and a half ago he had feelings for her, but she's still in a relationship with another guy. And he is holding on and waiting for the right opportunity to sort of let her know that I've been here for years and I want to be more than friends, okay? And when I told you guys that guys have that gear, you said that's scary for women to hear, because you want to believe that most of your guys, and in a lot of cases, most of your guy friends are truly your guy friends. But I would like to hear from the guys that have done this, because I really do believe that this is a gear that most women don't have, that this is an exclusively a guy thing that we could pretend and we will put on the face just so we can be close to you guys and wait and wait and wait and sort of hide those feelings until the time opens up to where we can tell you, okay, I love you. And I have loved you for two years.

[Co-host]

Usually that time comes at about 1am and it's usually fueled by vodka and Red Bull, right? And it usually comes out as all one word. I love you. I'm sorry, what'd you say?

[Caller/Co-host]

Excuse me, What?

[Co-host]

Hold on. Close your mouth between words.

[Caller/Co-host]

And I wonder for the women too, like, how long does it take for you to realize you have feelings for him? You know what I'm saying? Does the slow build work?

[Burt]

Or we could talk to the women that were friends with a guy for the longest, and then he finally told her, look, it's been six years or whatever, and I've just been pretending to be your friend. And it totally redefines your relationship at that point.

[Co-host]

So.

[Burt]

404-74-01Q100. What's that?

[Caller/Co-host]

You can't go back.

[Burt]

You can't go back, right?

[Caller/Co-host]

You can't go back to being friends after he confesses feelings.

[Burt]

But I've been that guy, man. And we will hold. I held on, holding on, holding on. Diana Scott, just remember pretending to be her friend. And she'd call me up, talking about all these problems she was having with her boyfriend. And I'd be there to confide in her. And always trying to give her, like, good advice, just knowing, please, please dump them. So maybe somehow, some way, I got a chance and holding on for like a year.

[Caller/Co-host]

See? And then us looking back on that feel like you weren't giving real advice over that last year. It was just manipulated so that you could get your way.

[Co-host]

Why would a guy do that? That's shady.

[Burt]

I wasn't that smart. I just figured it would deteriorate by itself because I don't think guys can do that. Good morning, Jennifer, you're on Q100. Hi.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Good morning.

[Co-host]

Hi.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I just want to let y' all know that girls do have that gear. It's just that when the guy starts dating someone else, that someone else will smell out the quote unquote friend and point it out to the boyfriend, say, oh, no, you can't be friends with her anymore. She wants to be more than friends because the guys are just oblivious to it.

[Co-host]

That's a good point. Where if the girlfriend is being catty with one of the guys girlfriends, you know, they suspect. I'm not gonna bring up Wendy.

[Burt]

Right.

[Co-host]

But they suspect that, you know, there may be more there than just friendship. It's only friends between me and Adam.

[Caller/Co-host]

Bomb.

[Co-host]

I swear.

[Burt]

No, as far as you know.

[Co-host]

Oh, well, I hope.

[Male Callers]

Oh, I hope so.

[Burt]

That's what I'm saying. It's like, you just never know.

[Co-host]

I don't want to know if he has feelings. Just keep him inside, Adam. Keep him inside.

[Burt]

Hey, Katie. Good morning.

[Co-host]

That was a Southern. As it comes. Keep it inside, Adam.

[Burt]

Hey, Katie.

[Caller/Co-host]

Hello.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

How are you?

[Burt]

Good. How are you?

[Caller with intense personality]

I'm good.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I was best friends with my husband for six years before we started dating. And I was dating other guys, he was dating other girls who would give each other advice. And finally one day, I broke up with my boyfriend and I told him. He said, oh, really? I said, absolutely. And I could hear it in his voice. And I knew that I had him. I knew it. And then six years later, we got married, and we're expecting a child.

[Burt]

Wow. So you were the one that held on.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Both of us held on. I always knew it from the first day I met him that I was gonna marry him. But I never told him because I wanted to know him as a man, not, you know, just as in a relationship.

[Burt]

Sure. What were you gonna say, Melissa?

[Co-host]

No, when she said, I knew it as soon as I saw him. It just goes back to birds. Like, you know, how many times did you think that about other guys? But this time it worked out.

[Burt]

You never hear from those people.

[Co-host]

Right.

[Burt]

99 out of 100 times, I think a woman thinks that on the first date and it doesn't work out. But you never tell your friends that.

[Co-host]

That's right.

[Burt]

Good morning, Anthony. You're on Q100.

[Male Callers]

Hey, guys. How's it going?

[Burt]

Good. How are you?

[Male Callers]

I'm a sophomore. Or I was a sophomore in high school, and I was Dating a girl. Brother was dating a junior in my school, and we both broke up with the brother and sister. And I got together with my girlfriend's brother's girlfriend, and we've been together for two years, and she just went to college this year. Now I'm a senior in high school, and we're still together, and I'm going to that college next year.

[Burt]

All right, so for two years you held on?

[Male Callers]

Yeah, I liked her for. Since I met her freshman year. And I liked her while I had my girlfriend for a whole year. And me and her brother's girlfriend became really good friends. They broke up. Then I broke up with my girlfriend and we got together.

[Burt]

Wow.

[Caller/Co-host]

I need a flowchart. I can't figure that one out.

[Burt]

IQ 100.

[Male Callers]

How you doing?

[Burt]

All right. How are you?

[Male Callers]

Good. My current wife now and I were best friends for 12 years, and we were neighbors. She was married and we loved each other as friends. And she decided one day to ask me if we wanted to give it a shot. So we actually did and dated for a few years and actually just got married January of 07.

[Co-host]

Was she married when she asked you if you wanted to give it a shot?

[Male Callers]

No, that was over.

[Burt]

Okay. Did she tell you, though, that she had always sort of had feelings for you, but she couldn't do anything about it because she was married at the time?

[Male Callers]

Yes.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Male Callers]

And she actually was constantly trying to hook me up with her friends, and it wound up it's, I have a wonderful life now.

[Burt]

So it worked out.

[Male Callers]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And we are still best friends. And we got married on the beach at sunset down in the Bahamas.

[Burt]

Good for you. Congratulations.

[Co-host]

I'm sure her ex husband loves that story.

[Burt]

Good morning, Steven, you're on Q100. Hi.

[Male Callers]

Hey, guys. How's it going?

[Burt]

All right. How long did you pretend to be

[Male Callers]

me and my best friend? We were actually, you know, met at work and I was married and she wasn't. And then she got married, and as I was going through my divorce, I just sort of, you know, put some distance there. And then she ended up getting divorced and then tracked me down. And we've been together for about two and a half years. Best friends, I mean, just worked out beautifully.

[Burt]

You will hold those feelings as long as you can if you know it's gonna be at the end of the rainbow. Good morning, Kyle. You'll be the last call on this. Hey.

[Male Callers]

Hey, what's up, man? Yeah, I used to date this girl about two years ago for about three months, and right when it first Started getting serious. She kind of freaked out and decided she didn't want to be go out with me, but she still wanted to be friends. And so like the last year and a half or so, I've kind of just been sticking along as the best friend. And I don't know, it kind of sucks.

[Burt]

You think she's going to come around?

[Male Callers]

Yeah, she says she loves me more than anything. Like she has strong feelings for me. But she just said she don't think that. She thinks I can do better than her, but I think. I don't know, I really love her.

[Co-host]

She's trying to be nice.

[Burt]

That's an excuse right there.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

She's better than her.

[Male Callers]

Yeah, she is. But she has no problem spending my money, though.

[Burt]

But that's your problem.

[Male Callers]

Yeah, that is my problem. But I don't know, man. I like your show, man. Keep going. It's a good show.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Thank you.

[Caller/Co-host]

Do you feel like she's using you?

[Male Callers]

Excuse me?

[Caller/Co-host]

Do you feel like she's using you and using the fact that you're into her to her advantage?

[Male Callers]

Yeah, definitely. That's how I feel. I mean, she tells me she's not doing that, but I don't know.

[Burt]

Why don't you cut her off today? See how long she lasts. See how strong that friendship is. Tell her, you know what? No more cash for you.

[Male Callers]

I mean, it's not that I give or cash. I just have a hard time telling her no or anything. But yeah, I'll give that a try. I'll see how long I can last.

[Burt]

She's leeching off of you right now, but you know it at least.

[Male Callers]

Exactly. Okay, appreciate it.

[Burt]

All right, bye. Bye.

[Male Callers]

All right. Bye.

[Caller/Co-host]

She knows it and he likes that.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

She must be really hot.

[Co-host]

Would you say she must be really hot.

[Burt]

She must be really hot. The Bird Show. This is Chantel, and she is going to educate us because she just got an education, at least in one area of infidelity. Okay. Code of ethics of infidelity. Good morning, Shantel.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Good morning.

[Burt]

How are you today?

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I'm good.

[Burt]

So you accidentally found yourself on a date with a married guy a couple days ago?

[Chantel / Female Callers]

100% innocent. Yeah.

[Burt]

How does that even happen?

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I met him at a charity function and then he emailed me and asked me to go out to lunch. I didn't really remember who he was when I first met him, so he claims he wears his ring. But the day we went out, he wasn't wearing it ironically. So, you know, I met him for lunch and it just kind of came up in Conversation. Like, kind of 20 minutes into the date, 30 minutes into the date.

[Burt]

And did he. Did he, like, slip up and say something like we. Or did he straight up come out and say, look, you know I'm married, right?

[Chantel / Female Callers]

He was very honest about it, which is why I was so intrigued, because normally, I mean, I would have. I would have just got up and left. Like, I don't have time for that kind of stuff, you know?

[Caller/Co-host]

So he. So he starts. Starts out talking about the date, and then just straight up says, I'm married.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

No, it was like, 20 minutes into it. The conversation was good. You know, I was kind of like, you know, he was really nice. There was an overtone of arrogance to it. I will. I will start by saying that, like, you know, he was pretty, I guess. But we started talking, and, you know, he's like, late 40s or so. And I asked him if he had children, and he, you know, goes on to talk about his children. He's kind of bragging about them, you know, like a good father does. And then he said, you know, I'm married, right? And I just kind of sat back and I was like, no. He assumed that I knew that he was married.

[Burt]

Now, did he assume that because you guys had met before and he maybe thought that he covered that ground with you before?

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I think so. Or he thought that maybe one of his friends mentioned it to me, or. I don't know what he thought, but he acted like he thought that I knew he was married, and I absolutely did not know it because I never would have gone out with him.

[Burt]

So you're out on this date with this guy, and he tells you that. And then there's the shocking code of ethics part of this whole thing.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

It was pretty funny because he said, you know, I'm married, right? And I said, no. And then I kind of sat back and crossed my arms because I was thinking, why? You know, I started. My first reaction was, okay, I'm going to get up and leave. But then I was so intrigued because he went on to tell me that he actually invited me to lunch to see if I was a fitting suitor for his mistress. Like, if I was going to be his mistress. And he actually used that word, mistress, which I thought was kind of funny.

[Burt]

So you were sort of on an interview. It was like an interview.

[Caller with intense personality]

Exactly.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I was in an interview, and I said, does your wife know I'm here? And he was like, no. And so he went in to tell me that he got busted for an affair 10 years ago. And then after the affair was out. It kind of. His marriage changed for the better. And it was great for five years, and then all of a sudden, his wife lost interest in sex. So my response to that was, well, she's probably, you know, sleeping with someone else, you know, because if you haven't had sex with friends. He was like, no, no, I know that's not the case. Yada, yada. So, you know, then I just kind of started to ask him questions. And at one point I sat back and I had my arms crossed and I was really intrigued by this. And he said, I don't like your body language right now. And I was like, I don't like the fact that you're married. So then he kind of said, you know, well, let me just tell you, he goes, I'll be very upfront. He said, I don't, you know, fool around on my mistress.

[Burt]

I don't fool around on my mistress.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Yeah. He said he doesn't have the energy to be husband, boyfriend and player, so.

[Co-host]

But he's okay with husband and boyfriend.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Yeah, exactly. That's what he said.

[Burt]

So he only has energy for two women is what he's saying. And he would be completely faithful to you?

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Yeah, he said he would. He doesn't mess around. Yeah, he would be completely faithful.

[Caller/Co-host]

What was your response to that?

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I. I was so intrigued. I kind of chuckled and I said, you know, I've heard of guys like you, but I've never actually met one. He didn't like that one bit.

[Caller with intense personality]

He goes, what do you mean?

[Chantel / Female Callers]

And I was like, yeah, should go on the radio.

[Co-host]

It's like seeing an albino animal. I've often heard about an albino horse. I've never seen one.

[Burt]

Sasquatch.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

He was very, like, forthcoming with his, you know, this is the way it is. I keep somebody on the side. And I just, I was a little offended that he would think I would. I would be that girl, I guess. But I think that there's, you know, different strokes for different folks. I mean, there's probably a lot of women out there that kind of dig this kind of thing.

[Burt]

So he was saying that, in essence, that you should trust him because he can be loyal to you even though he is cheating on his wife, but you should trust him in this area.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Exactly that. I, you know, he's a good guy and he's a good father.

[Co-host]

Stand up guy.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Yeah, yeah. Actually, I forgot. I actually asked him if he brought his mistress around his kids, and he said that he has in the past.

[Burt]

He has, yeah.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

He took him to a carnival and said, this is my friend, whoever can't mention any names.

[Burt]

Wow.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I know.

[Caller with intense personality]

I couldn't believe that, you know, those

[Chantel / Female Callers]

kids are gonna grow up thinking that that's just kind of like, the norm.

[Burt]

I can't believe you started out this conversation saying. There was a slight air of arrogance.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I know, you're right. I take that back. But he was really nice. I mean, you know, smart guy, whatever.

[Co-host]

Do you think. Do you think you'll see him again?

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Absolutely not. In fact, I told him on the date, I said, you know, I can't see you anymore like this. And he said, well, how do you know I want to see you again? That's awfully presumptuous. And I told him, oh, I don't.

[Co-host]

Presumptuous?

[Burt]

Wow.

[Co-host]

That was kind of a bold statement on your part.

[Burt]

Why'd you have to be so confident?

[Co-host]

I mean, seriously, think about it. There's all these women in Atlanta, and only one gets to be his mistress. And you're gonna walk in there saying, oh, hey, it's me. What's up?

[Burt]

I'm all that, Chantelle, you have really turned out to be an arrogant bitch.

[Co-host]

Maybe you need to put yourself in check.

[Caller with intense personality]

Do you think that.

[Caller/Co-host]

Do you think that his wife is aware of what's going on and she's just okay with it?

[Chantel / Female Callers]

He told me that he thinks that she has a clue what he said and that. But she lives a very comfortable lifestyle. And, you know, there's the kids, so that's why she probably sticks around.

[Burt]

Look, we've talked to him. We've talked to 100 women like this, right, that say that they know that their husbands are out there doing what they're going to do, but they turn the other cheek because they are trying to keep it together for the family. And there are financial reasons also for keeping it together.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Yeah, I mean, I happen to know he's pretty well to do. He has a high profile job.

[Burt]

Hey, Jade. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Hey, Burt Show. How are you?

[Burt]

Hola.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I think it would be hysterical to set this guy up and have his wife walk in and just totally bust him.

[Burt]

I don't know if I want to be responsible for that.

[Caller with intense personality]

No, you don't.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Not with what he does.

[Burt]

No, really. He's like a high powered dude.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Caller/Co-host]

Children involved, too. And you never know what their arrangement is. She may be well aware of what he's doing because women aren't stupid. She's not stupid. And if she and her husband haven't slept Together in five years. Come on.

[Burt]

Come on.

[Co-host]

Some women are stupid and guys aren't that smart. Like, yeah. I mean, stealth as they think they

[Caller/Co-host]

are, not as stealth. And I also think that your first comment, Chantelle, is like, that the wife is probably sleeping with someone else too.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Right? I mean, he was naive. He was. He didn't think that that was.

[Caller/Co-host]

He didn't think that was possible.

[Burt]

Are there people listening right now that really think that you guys are in relationships with each other and you've gone longer than a year without sex with each other and it's not sort of assumed that you're having sex with other people?

[Caller with intense personality]

Oh.

[Caller/Co-host]

I mean, Oprah just did a whole show on sexless marriages. I mean, there's. There's plenty of people who are married with each other and completely functioning as roommates. We've talked about that on our show before.

[Burt]

When you say a sexless marriage, you're talking about sex with each other. I don't. Most of those people that are in sexless marriages, I'm assuming, are having sex with other people.

[Co-host]

Maybe not. I mean, I blacklight the rug under the guy's computer.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Ew.

[Burt]

Yeah. Thanks, Chantel.

[Co-host]

Just being real.

[Burt]

The Birch Show. This is. I mean. Cause this is a bold statement. Jeff emailed me, and he said he's got somebody crazier than this lady.

[Caller/Co-host]

Always makes me take a jump back, this woman.

[Co-host]

I'm not even gonna set it up at all, other than to say where this begins is where the audio that I got began. So I don't know what happens at the start of it, but kind of listening. And this is edited down, the call that you're gonna hear that I think I got down to three and a half. Ish.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

Was actually about nine minutes long. So this is about a third of it. And it was just as crazy throughout the whole thing. And hopefully I didn't edit this out. Hopefully be able to deduce it from this as well. But she's obviously calling to complain because she has been contacted by telemarketers. Okay. And she's very upset, and she's threatening police action and legal action and bodily harm should these calls continue.

Okay.

[Caller with intense personality]

So I need to talk to your lawyer. I just called my lawyer.

[Male Callers]

What's.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

What state are you from, ma'?

[Caller with intense personality]

Am? It doesn't make any difference. You don't get to ask me any questions. I was just abused. I can call you any square name. I need your first and last name. And believe me, you. You. There are consequences. It was to the point where I Actually had an appendix rupture because of telemarketing calls. It doesn't matter what state is illegal. You are arrested. You're a hater. Her life desert. I need your personal last name. The police are listening.

[Male Callers]

Okay, my name's Alan.

[Caller with intense personality]

What's your last name?

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I don't give my last name.

[Caller with intense personality]

Then let me talk to your supervisor. The police are ready.

[Male Callers]

Okay, I actually have my supervisor here.

[Caller with intense personality]

I can help. You broke a law. You did a felony arrest. You called my number. You don't have to get your last name, Alex.

[Male Callers]

Not if I don't want to.

[Caller with intense personality]

You son of a mother. Okay, so what?

[Male Callers]

Are we really listening in on this?

[Caller with intense personality]

Okay, I need to know what. What is your tax number? We will find out who all your relatives are, and they will never, ever be off any list. Do you understand?

[Caller/Co-host]

What?

[Caller with intense personality]

We will find out, like Alexis, all of your female relatives, and then we will go to your teachers. Your taxes will be audited every single year the rest of your life. It will not even be a syn of the pain that you caused by your telemarketing. You nasty son of a. You are a murderer. You're a hater. You're a life destroyer. If every telemarketer could call every number, there could not be private phone calls. People die. People have hernias that rupture people's appendices. People cannot call their ambulances. You are worse than any terrorist. And we will find out. I will. I will go to my lawyer, the police. That sounds. Your phone will never stop ringing. And your children's teachers will know what you have done. Are you sure? You are a life destroyer. You are a terrorist. You are a pain maker. You are a murderer. You are a life destroyer. You are nasty human beings. You deserve every pain known to man. If we find out your last name, they'll be charged in fraud.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

That sounds like a threat to me.

[Caller with intense personality]

Yeah, it's a threat. It's a legal threat. Compare what you've done to us now. Your family, any of them will never, ever, ever, ever be able to have a normal listed phone number ever.

[Male Callers]

Okay?

[Caller with intense personality]

That's okay with you? Yeah. Okay. Do you have any grandmother? Sure. They will never, ever, ever be able to have a normal phone number. That's okay with you?

[Male Callers]

Yeah.

[Caller with intense personality]

You're lying, you son of a bitch. You're saying that where you live, the phone never stops ringing. And that's okay with you? Because that. That is one reason we can have social services go to your home.

[Male Callers]

I hope they play this tape in court someday.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Ma' Am.

[Caller with intense personality]

So you're saying your phone never stopped ringing and your family doesn't care?

[Male Callers]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Burt]

Oh, no.

[Caller with intense personality]

Well, your wife will leave you. Believe me, I'm married. We cannot win. You are worse than anything we're fighting in Iraq. You are an abuser. You are a hater, worker, sadist. I'm a. I. I understand. I will find out who Dallas is. Who were all the Dallas work for your company. You will all be aud. If that's and be on every phone list. And if that's a threat, what is it you're doing? You nasty. You hurt people for a living. You ruined their life. You ruined homes.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Nasty exorcist.

[Caller/Co-host]

Wow.

[Burt]

Wow.

[Co-host]

Life destroyer.

[Burt]

I really want to hear the beginning of that call, because half the fun is listening to them just start us off.

[Caller/Co-host]

Taking off?

[Burt]

Yeah, like on the crazy plane.

[Caller/Co-host]

Wow. That is insane. Yeah, she really might be mentally ill. That is nuts.

[Co-host]

I still think one call too many.

[Burt]

The toughest job that you can have in this country is customer service.

[Co-host]

Oh, telemarketer.

[Burt]

Telemarketer. Customer service. Like that.

[Co-host]

Oh, but don't you think that that right there is like Christmas morning If you work in the office, like, don't you think you gather everyone around the cube and you play that back after it's called. And then for the rest of your career at that company, your nickname is Life Destroyer.

[Burt]

Serious.

[Caller with intense personality]

You hurt people for a living. You do with their life. You are a murderer. You are a life destroyer. You are a sick, nasty human being. You deserve every pain known to man. Good God.

[Co-host]

Wow. Off the wagon.

[Caller with intense personality]

Easy.

[Burt]

We need to get the first part of that call. We need to find out exactly what happened.

[Co-host]

I think it's gonna be the same thing as Pay It Lady. We'll never be able to track her down.

[Male Callers]

I hate calling her if we do.

[Burt]

Good morning, Dee. You are part of the Burke show. Hi.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Good morning. Good morning. I'm the manager in a call center, and I'm dying laughing at this call.

[Burt]

You actually sound like you could be her.

[Caller with intense personality]

No.

[Burt]

I mean, not. I mean, you don't sound crazy, but your voice sounds like. Like her.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I promise I'm not her.

[Caller with intense personality]

You hurt people for a living. You ruined their life.

[Burt]

Say that for me.

[Caller with intense personality]

No. Oh, my God.

[Burt]

You hurt people for a living.

[Caller with intense personality]

I am not.

[Burt]

If you say you hurt people for a living, you ruin lives. And I will put this audio up online for 24 hours for you, because I know that's what you're calling for.

[Caller with intense personality]

What did you say? You hurt people for a living.

[Burt]

You hurt people for a living. You ruin lives.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

You hurt people for a living.

[Caller with intense personality]

You ruin lives. You hurt people for a living. You ruined their lives.

[Male Callers]

Oh, my God.

[Burt]

I think you're right.

[Co-host]

It could be hers.

[Burt]

I can't think of a tougher job than what you have.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

Oh, it's great. It's awesome. I feel this every day.

[Caller with intense personality]

But that one.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

That one really takes it.

[Caller with intense personality]

So if you would put that online

[Chantel / Female Callers]

so that I could play that for my team today, I would appreciate it so much.

[Co-host]

How many times during a week do you gather everybody around to listen together to the recording of a call you just took?

[Chantel / Female Callers]

We have never had anything like that.

[Co-host]

That's a special one right there.

[Burt]

That really is that.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I swear, that is the best. I mean, I'm. I'm driving and I'm just crying, laughing, like, oh, my gosh, my team is going to die.

[Caller with intense personality]

You guys are the best.

[Chantel / Female Callers]

I appreciate you.

[Burt]

Thanks, D. Have a good day.

[Caller with intense personality]

You too. Bye.

[Burt]

That was her.

[Caller with intense personality]

You hurt people for a living. You ruined their life.

[Burt]

Hey, the bird show.