The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Monday, November 3 [Vault]

Pionaire Podcasting | November 3, 2025

Overview

This episode of The Bert Show delivers an engaging mix of listener stories, personal reflections, real-world relationship drama, and some signature humor courtesy of the full cast. The episode features updates from Susie, the adventurous former cast member currently traveling in Africa, a candid and heartfelt breakup check-in with a listener named Sally, and life advice with a pop-culture twist from the charismatic Father Bailey. Hilarious but cringeworthy “pain poker” stories round out the episode, offering both wince-inducing laughs and relatable moments. As always, the tone is real, lively, funny, and supportive with insightful moments sprinkled in.

1. Susie's Check-In from Mozambique

Starts ~01:03

Key Points

• Who is Susie?

  • Former Bert Show cast member traveling solo around the world, occasionally calling in with updates.

• Life in Mozambique
  (01:08 - 04:46)

  • Susie is on a crowded, hot bus filled with live chickens and people (“they're selling live chickens through the window...It’s hot and a lot of activity” - Susie, 01:08).
  • Describes Mozambique as extremely poor: “No electricity, no plumbing in most homes. Houses made of mud and grass.”
  • Despite the poverty, cell phones are common via prepaid cards; no mail service for regular billing.

• Difficulties and Dangers
  (03:34 - 04:46)

  • Susie feels like a “mark” as an outsider and target for theft (“People’s hands are in my pockets getting off the bus...someone ran up and stole my sunglasses.”)
  • Notes increasing difficulty: “Everywhere I go, I’m like, ‘Oh my God, it can get harder, poorer, more basic, more dangerous.’”

• Homecoming Plans
  (04:46 - 06:47)

  • Announces she finally bought a plane ticket home from Johannesburg (“I made it so I’ll be gone a year, a month, a week and a day...I think that sounds cool.” – Susie, 04:47)
  • Expresses mixed feelings about returning to “comforts” and readjusting to fast-paced New York City life.

Memorable Quotes

• “They don't have electricity, but they have cell phones.” – Susie (02:44)
• “This is their life. So a part of me is like, shut up and don’t complain.” – Susie (04:27)

Notable Segment

• Travel & Reverse Culture Shock
  • Bert: “Following you through the transition back to the U.S....is going to be much more difficult than you think it’s going to be.” (09:36)

2. The French Guy Saga: Susie's International Love Story

Starts ~06:47

• French Guy Update
  • Romance recounted: they met in Djibouti, only spent two days together, but a big connection (“He wrote me a love letter...said he’s my wife, I’m sure of it.” – Susie, 08:01).
  • Communication is minimal—he can’t email, and language is a barrier.
  • He wants to visit her in NYC or fly her to France. Susie's torn: “It's kind of a mystery.” (07:13)
  • Cast jokes about possible detours to Paris before Susie returns home.
  • Recap for new listeners on her whirlwind romance.

3. Listener Sally's Breakup Journey

Starts ~18:11; Main segment 18:11–37:44

Story Recap

• Initial Context

  • Sally had called suspecting a breakup was imminent after three years of dating.
  • Confirms breakup happened over the weekend.

• The Breakup
  (18:46 - 20:05)

  • Sally’s boyfriend ended things, saying he wasn't sure if he loved her romantically or just as a friend.
  • Sally pressed for answers (“You are not calling the shots anymore. Sit down...I bombarded him with questions for about 45 minutes.” – Sally, 19:27)

• Stages of Coping

  • Sally admits to calling him after the breakup, leaving messages, and contacting him three times in the week post-breakup.
  • The cast walks Sally through “The Seven Stages of a Breakup,” gently calling out her denial, need for closure, and potential to prolong pain by staying in contact.
  • Sally says she’s ready to move on but the cast isn’t so sure.

Notable Quotes

• “He can’t be your best friend. Not now.” – Bert (23:49)
• “It’s like quitting smoking but you’re still taking drags on cigarettes every day.” – Melissa (25:20)

Standout Moments

• Tough Love & Humor

  • The team offers Sally a support system and challenge: no contact for three days (“No communication. No email, no texting, no calling, no notes...nothing until Monday morning.” – Jen Hobby, 36:39)

• Sympathy and Solidarity

  • Sally has support from girlfriends, but admits to significant emotional pain, compounded by other recent losses (friend’s death, grandfather’s illness).

4. Pain Poker: Most Cringe-Worthy Accidents

Starts ~40:42

Segment Highlights

• Premise:

  • Listeners call in with their most painful physical experiences; the cast sees who can take the most before cringing and bailing.

• Unforgettable Calls:

  • Nipple in Filing Cabinet: “I closed my nipple up in a filing drawer.” (42:25)
  • Finger Accident: “I cut my finger off at work, at Ryan’s Family Steakhouse. Meat cutter.” (44:18)
  • Go-Kart Mishap: “He ripped himself a new butthole and had to go to the hospital for stitches.” (47:25)
  • Biting Off Tongue: “I bit my tongue off.” (48:47)
  • Shaving Injury: “I turned and I shaved the side of my nipple off.” (49:34)
  • Cast recounts previous notorious call: “She accidentally snipped off the little man in the boat.”

• Cast Reactions:

  • Groans, laughter, disbelief, and shared pain—Bert relishing the group's reactions.

5. Father Bailey’s “Crunkified” Life Lessons

Segments at 13:01 & 50:45

Segment 1: Rumors & Relationships

13:01–16:18

• Spiritual Message with Celebrity Gossip Parallel
  • Uses rumors about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to launch advice: “Stop dipping and dapping where you don’t know what’s happening.”
  • Relates it to biblical story of Mary and Joseph dealing with haters (“The Bible has a whole list of haters...let the haters be jealous and do your thing.” – Father Bailey, 15:04)
  • Encourages listeners to ignore rumors and negativity in their own relationships.

Segment 2: Body Image & Hollywood

50:45–56:46

• “Don’t Hate Me, Cause You Ain’t Me”
  • Addresses body image criticism faced by Jennifer Garner, praises her for prioritizing health and self-acceptance over quick post-partum weight loss.
  • Relates celebrity struggles to everyday self-worth issues.
  • Draws on faith for the ultimate lesson in self-acceptance (“If they’re talking about you, they ain't happy with themselves. Shake the dust off your shoulders, ladies.” – Father Bailey, 54:54)
  • Finishes with a Billy Joel lyric serenade as encouragement to all listeners.

Audience Impact

• Listeners call in to thank Father Bailey and the cast for their humor and inspiration (“Now I just feel like I got a whole new outlook on the day and I’m ready to go.” – Michelle, 58:19)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “This isn't a way of life anymore. It IS my life.” – Susie on long-term travel (09:52)
• “When you point one finger at someone, you have four more pointing back at yourself.” – Father Bailey (54:55)
• “He wants to get the best of both worlds...Don’t let him.” – Melissa advising Sally (24:16)
• [On pain poker:] “My son ripped himself a new butthole and had to go to the hospital.” – Sally (47:25)

Timestamps of Major Segments

• Susie’s Mozambique update: 01:03 – 06:47
• French guy saga recap: 06:47 – 08:44
• Sally’s breakup call: 18:11 – 37:44
• Pain Poker: 40:42 – 50:15
• Father Bailey: Relationships/Rumors: 13:01 – 16:18
• Father Bailey: Body Image: 50:45 – 56:46

Tone and Takeaway

Lively, unscripted, and heartfelt—the Bert Show shines in dishing out humor, honest support, and hard-won advice through real stories. The cast’s camaraderie and willingness to challenge, comfort, and laugh at each other (and themselves) keeps listeners invested, while guests like Father Bailey bring unique character and wisdom.

Listeners are left feeling part of a surrogate family—laughing together, cringing at pain poker tales, and being gently nudged toward self-acceptance and authentic connection.

End of Summary