Full Show PT 2: Monday, October 27 [Vault]

Summary

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The Bert Show

Episode: Full Show PT 2: Monday, October 27 [Vault]
Date: October 27, 2025
Host: Pionaire Podcasting (Bert, Jeff, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and more)

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Episode Overview

This lively and spontaneous episode of The Bert Show features classic segments packed with humor, relatable listener stories, heartwarming moments, and unique interviews. From inventive ways to approach dating and unexpected love stories to an unfiltered check-in with an incarcerated fan, the show maintains its casual, real, and quick-witted tone throughout. The highlight of the episode is a candid and laid-back interview with legendary producer Babyface, showcasing the crew's gift for both comedy and meaningful conversation.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Breaking the Ice at Work—Handling Bad Breath Anonymously

[01:44–05:30]

• Jeff discovers GentleHints.com: A site that anonymously notifies coworkers of bad breath, but the team decides to have “Melissa” deliver the message personally for comedic effect.
• On-air prank call: Jeff reluctantly pretends to be “Melissa from Q100,” calling a coworker about his “chronic halitosis.”
• Notable Quotes:
  • "We just have Melissa make the call for you." — Bert [01:44]
  • “God, this is gonna suck.” — Jeff [02:21]
• The prank evolves into an awkward but lighthearted exchange, with the recipient confused but ultimately amused.

2. Revisiting ‘Chiclets and Banaka’: The Secret Dating Code

[05:30–11:38]

• Background: The crew retells their “Chiclets and Banaka” system: A discreet, rejection-proof way to approach potential romances.
  • “Do you have any Chiclets?” — A secret code for interest.
  • “No, but I do have Banaka.” — Indicates mutual interest.
• Listener Story: Caller Summer shares how using this code led to a four-month relationship and a surprise engagement.
  • “And then he said, but I do have some Banaka. Bam.” — Summer [09:36]
  • “Across the table, he had a Chiclets box...[inside was] an engagement ring.” — Summer [10:00]
• Reactions:
  • The team is delighted, joking about Nobel Peace Prize nominations and possibly naming the couple’s first child Banaka.
  • “Chiclets plus Banaka equals love.” — Bert [08:38]

3. Interview with Babyface: Producer, Songwriter, Legend

[13:44–22:13]

Unconventional Beginnings

• Babyface arrives early and unassumingly, setting a relaxed tone.
  • "He was so unassuming… especially a big star like that." — Summer [14:03]
• The interview starts informally, with self-deprecating jokes and reference to MTV’s Real World.
  • "When’s the last time you started an interview off talking about a tick on a woman's boob?" — Burt, after Summer shares a Lyme disease story [15:12]

Keys to Spotting Talent

• Babyface explains the producer’s role and what he looks for:
  • "I'm a producer, musician, so I'll cut the music as well as... guide the singer… it's kind of like having a consultant, but you're really there for the artist." — Babyface [16:09–16:25]
  • "If [an artist has] just this hot personality and… charisma… and then of course, they have to be able to sing, have a certain vibe… It's got to be something special." — Babyface [17:00–17:13]
• He stresses that "star quality" is often more important than technical skill.

Reflections on His Own Stardom

• When asked if he’d produce himself:
  • "Probably not. I don't look at myself as a star." — Babyface [18:25]

Atlanta and Artistic Discovery

• Discusses moving to Atlanta to help found LaFace Records, which led to discovering major acts like TLC, Usher, and Outkast.
  • "We wanted our own backyard… Every big act that… went on to do great things basically… were here in Atlanta." — Babyface [18:52–19:47]

Songwriting & New Album Insight

• Discusses his single "What If"—about questioning the end of relationships.
  • “What if that house she's living in right now is supposed to be my house?” — Babyface [19:49]
• On writing emotional songs despite being married:
  • "I make my living off of people and their emotions." — Babyface [20:26]
• Playful challenge: Bert bets Babyface a million dollars to write a love song about ticks.
  • “If you can write a love song about ticks, I’ll give you a million dollars.” — Burt [21:00]
• Collaboration with Snoop Dogg on “Baby’s Mama”:
  • “Most people like what? Babyface and Snoop? That don't make sense.” — Babyface [21:25]

Memorable Moment:

• “I always remember the Tick story.” — Babyface, closing interview [22:00]

4. Melissa, Kidney Disease, and a Daring Dog Rescue

[22:13–28:14]

• Story setup: Melissa often cites kidney issues as excuses.
• Dog-sitting adventure: When Melissa’s dog Toby bolts, she moves with near-superhuman speed to recover him, shedding any narrative about physical limitations.
  • The crew uses exaggerated, comical sound effects to describe her agility and heroics.
• Light-hearted camaraderie: The team riff about the “General Lee” and “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” as analogies for Melissa’s maneuvering.

5. “George from Jail”: Unfiltered Prison Call-in

[30:02–37:52]

• Regular listener George, calling from federal prison, checks in with the show:
  • "We got this guy named George who calls in from jail every now and then just to check in with us." — Burt [30:02]
• Conversation covers:
  • His crime: Admits to bank robbery ("They say I robbed a bank." — George [31:51]).
  • Prison realities: Talks about life as an orderly, the maximum security atmosphere, and prison culture vs. Hollywood portrayals.
• Notable Quotes:
  • "You can't rehabilitate a hardcore criminal." — George [35:29]
  • "You learn by being in here a significant amount of time... you don't want to be here no more." — George [35:35]
• Personal notes: George has a family; his wife has leukemia.
• Show's reaction: Empathy and banter, ending with a promise to keep in touch.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dating Code Success:
  • “Chiclets plus Banaka equals love.” — Bert [08:38]
  • “And there was an engagement ring, and I was happy to marry him.” — Summer [10:00]
• On Star Power:
  • “We're in the star business.” — Babyface [18:14]
• On Prison:
  • "You learn by being in here a significant amount of time... you don't want to be here no more." — George [35:35]
• On Realness:
  • “You know, Jeff, they laughed at us. They mocked us. … When we submitted the forms for the Nobel Peace Prize. What did they do? They thumbed their noses at us. Now we're bridging the gap.” — Burt [10:49–10:57]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Prank Call: Bad Breath at Work: [01:44–05:30]
• Chiclets & Banaka Dating Code Success: [05:30–11:38]
• Babyface Interview: [13:44–22:13]
• Melissa’s Dog Rescue & Kidney Bit: [22:13–28:14]
• George from Prison Listener Call: [30:02–37:52]

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Episode Tone & Style

• The Bert Show’s hallmark blend of conversational banter, mischievous humor, and honest, relatable moments permeates the episode.
• Hosts riff and joke with each other seamlessly, bringing listeners authentically into their world, while also showcasing warmth with their fans and guests.

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For New Listeners

This episode perfectly showcases what makes The Bert Show a staple of morning radio: unpredictable storytelling, listener interaction, unique interviews, and spirited team chemistry. Real, funny, heartfelt, and never boring—it’s morning radio that turns any commute or day into something lighter and more connected.

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Transcript

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So the other day I was in this group chat. Of course the topic turned to weight loss medications because it kind of seems like everybody's on one. One friend is already on one, another is researching every option on TikTok and someone else was like, I don't even know where to start. It feels like everybody is talking about it right now, but nobody really knows if it's right for them. That's why hers can be a great option for you because they take all the confusion out of it. You connect with a real medical provider who helps you figure out what's actually best for your body and your goals without the guesswork. If it's prescribed, you'll get medication as a part of a doctor develop developed weight loss program with ongoing check ins, dosage adjustments and 24. 7 online support. They've got affordable options from oral medication kits to GLP1 injectables starting at 69amonth. So if you've been trying to figure out what works for you, it might be time to check out hers. Whether you want to lose weight, grow thicker fuller hair, or find relief for anxiety, hers has you covered. Visit for hers.combert to get a personalized affordable plan that gets you. That's F-O-R-H-E-R S.com Bert that's for hers.com Bert Weight loss by hers is not available everywhere. Compounded drug products are not approved or evaluated for safety, effectiveness or quality by the fda. Prescription required. See website for full details, important safety information and restrictions. Actual price depends on product and plan purchased.

[Burt]

Hey the Bird Show Jeff found a great website called gentlehints.com and what it'll do is it'll email somebody in your office that has really bad breath anonymously so you don't take the rap for it. Well, here's what we figured. Rather than spend the 20 bucks on the website, we just have Melissa make the call for you.

[Jeff]

Okay. Before I do this because with them it's like you represent gentle hints. Now who am I saying? Am I saying Q100 or am I?

[Bert]

You have to say the first thing you have to say is hey It's Melissa from Q100. You're on the air.

[Burt]

Yeah. You gotta say that that's the very.

[Bert]

First thing out of your mouth.

[Burt]

Legal. You gotta do that.

[Bert]

All right, Legal, shmeegel.

[Burt]

And then you take it from there. I mean, your skill as a broadcaster will come in.

[Jeff]

God, this is gonna suck.

[Bert]

And I say if he does ask who this is, you explain to him that we're the radio station and we're promot website called gentlehints.com and this is.

[Burt]

Like a trial thing and somebody, you know, for the good of.

[Jeff]

And if. Now, if the. If the, you know, vibe starts slipping, if the speed starts slipping, you're gonna come in and help, right?

[Burt]

Oh, sure, yeah.

[Bert]

Well, we're right here for you.

[Burt]

We got your back on this one.

[Bert]

Are you gonna turn my microphone off, please?

[Burt]

Yeah. All right, you want to go ahead and call?

[Bert]

Okay, I'm gonna call from here. So we don't do the.

[Burt]

See, I would do it. My voice, though, is going to. And, Jeff, you'd get too much pleasure out of this. And Kim, she's a rookie. She's a rookie. We can't put her through that.

[Jeff]

This is awful.

[Burt]

And Lindsay's not here.

[Bert]

Lindsay. Hey, big guy. You bread stinked.

[Burt]

Will you stop.

[Jeff]

Jeff?

[Burt]

Okay, calling. Dude.

[Bert]

Yes.

[Babyface]

Hold on.

[Burt]

All right, don't forget, you gotta tell him that he's on the air first.

[Bert]

Thing out of your mouth.

[Summer]

Gotcha.

[Bert]

Okay, train.

[Burt]

There we go. And we got him. And here we go.

[Jeff]

This is direct line.

[George]

Hello?

[Jeff]

Hi, is this Jeff?

[George]

Yes.

[Burt]

Hi, Jeff.

[Jeff]

It's Melissa from Q100. You're on the air right now. How are you today?

[George]

I'm fine. How are you doing?

[Jeff]

Good. I just wanted to let you know we have a public service now where we have. We've had an anonymous caller call us, someone who cares about you and wanted to let you know about your chronic halitosis.

[George]

Chronic what?

[Jeff]

Chronic halitosis. Bad breath.

[George]

Who is this? That.

[Jeff]

It was an anonymous caller. It's just a public service that we do. Callers call in, they care about you, but they're too afraid to come up to you in person and tell you. So we're doing it.

[George]

Okay.

[Jeff]

So how do you feel about that?

[George]

Who wanted you to call again?

[Jeff]

It's anonymous. I have no idea who the person is.

[George]

Okay. I don't know. I mean, my. My breath is fine.

[Jeff]

We're happy to send you any materials that would help out, if that's okay with you. Who again, sir? I have. Jeff, I have no idea who is again. An anonymous caller. But as a service, we were happy to give you toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash.

[George]

It's a person I work with.

[Jeff]

Again, I'm not sure. It was an anonymous call.

[George]

Who are you?

[Jeff]

I'm Melissa with Q100 radio.

[George]

The radio? What service is this?

[Jeff]

Just a public service we do for our listeners.

[George]

Oh, this is.

[Summer]

This is the radio Q100.

[George]

Oh, this is bull.

[Burt]

Hey, the bird show. Look, it wasn't so long ago that Jeff and I were single guys. So we understand how hard it is. So over lunch one day, Jeff and I came. Came up with the foolproof, embarrassment free way to meet new people. Good morning. Who's this?

[Summer]

Hi, this is Summer.

[Burt]

Hello, Summer.

[Summer]

Good morning. How are you guys?

[Burt]

Good morning. Thank you for listening to Q100. What's up?

[Summer]

Oh, I have some great news. I couldn't wait to tell you guys because you're actually involved.

[Burt]

What's up, sister?

[Summer]

Uh oh, what's up? Well, I've been listening to you guys for about six months and I just love your show.

[Advertiser]

Thank you.

[Summer]

It makes me laugh. But you know the thing you do with the Chiclets and Bianca chicken banaka. Yeah, yeah.

[Burt]

God, we haven't talked about that in a long time. Jeff. Hold on one sec. So I'm gonna reset that for people that don't know what that is.

[Bert]

Basically, over a lunch in Buckhead several months ago, Bert and I had, if you will, an epiphany.

[Jeff]

Trust this down. Can you just tell it, you know, it's brilliant.

[Bert]

Okay. You know, an epiphany might be too strong of a word. We were touched by an angel.

[Summer]

You can say epiphany.

[Burt]

It's beautiful.

[Summer]

You were touched by an angel.

[Bert]

And what happened is we were sitting in the restaurant and clouds rolled in and it got dark, except for one big spot where a beam of light shone down on our table where we were sitting. And that's when it happened. That's when Bert and I came up with the humiliation way or the humiliation free way to meet that significant other.

[Jeff]

So here's the way to dress it down.

[Burt]

I'd say at very best. At very best, Jeff and I are average looking guys. No offense.

[Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Burt]

All right. So we're constantly trying to figure out ways or we're constantly trying to figure out ways on how to approach women without getting that humiliating, you know, walk of shame thing going on after they turn you down.

[Bert]

So what happens is, if you're out at a club, a grocery store, church, daycare center, anywhere there's someone that you're interested in. You approach that person, you go up to them and you would say, for example, I will do it. And don't get any wrong ideas, anyone, because I don't go this way. But I'm going to do it with Bert because he's the only support that I have in this room. Hey, excuse me, sir, do you have any Chiclets?

[Burt]

No, I don't. But I do have Banaka.

[Bert]

That is the key. Because immediately I know that he's interested in me. Do you know why, Kim?

[Burt]

Why?

[Bert]

Because nobody ever has Chiclets.

[Summer]

Nobody ever.

[Bert]

And on top of that, nobody ever has Banaka.

[Burt]

Unless, like, you're over 65 years old and you're at Hal's on a Friday night.

[Bert]

So what happened is if he had simply said no, I would have turned around and walked away. I'm not humiliated, I'm not upset. I just think he doesn't have any Chiclets.

[Burt]

The world where there's Chiclets, anybody can come up and ask for gum.

[Bert]

But you say Chiclets.

[Burt]

You have to say Chiclets. You understand where we're going with this yet, Kim? She's looking like, no, I don't get it yet.

[Jeff]

But now let's just nod. Yes, absolutely.

[Bert]

Now let's say Bert looks at me and he has two huge revelations. One, I'm good looking. And two, he's gay. He says, responds back to me, with.

[Burt]

A guy as good looking as you can make me gay.

[Bert]

Yeah, thank you. He says back to me, no, no, but I do have some Banaka. There's your other code word.

[Burt]

See, that way, you know, you've got two people that listen to this morning show, they both know what the code is. So they make an instant match. Chiclets and Banaka. Okay, did we explain that chicks. Yeah, I think that's a great idea.

[Bert]

This is the way it works. Chiclets plus Banaka equals love.

[Burt]

Okay, some are now answering.

[Summer]

That's exactly what happened. Well, not exactly, but okay, so I've been listening to you guys for about, about six months. And this is about, I guess four months ago that this happened. I was out at a club one night with some of my girlfriends just having a good time. And I saw this guy who was really. It's not just that he was really attractive, but he had a sense about him that just seemed confident. And I never would have done up to him.

[Burt]

He had some mojo going on.

[Summer]

Yeah, because, you know, it's intimidating. But I thought, you know, all right, I can do this. I had One drink in me. So I walked across the floor and casually danced up to him, and I said, excuse me, do you have any Chiclets? Oh, my God. He looked at me with the biggest surprise, I thought. And then he said no, really slowly. And I thought, oh, no, I've blown it. And then he said, but I do have some banana Bam.

[Burt]

Standing up.

[Bert]

Ka Ching.

[Summer]

And we just laughed. And that broke the ice. Like, we were able to have a really great time that night.

[Burt]

That's what it's designed for, sister. Awesome. Yeah.

[Summer]

And we've been together for the four months. And last night was my birthday. And for my birthday, he took me out to dinner, and across the table, he had a Chiclets box. And he handed it to me, and he was like, this is your present. And I thought, oh, that's funny. Ha, ha. And he said, no, open the box. And I did. And there was an engagement ring, and I was happy to marry him.

[Jeff]

Aw.

[George]

Congratulations.

[Burt]

Awesome. Love, America.

[Summer]

Oh, my God. You guys have helped me find the love of my life.

[Burt]

Right on.

[Summer]

Thank you so much.

[Bert]

So what did you say?

[Summer]

Oh, I said yes.

[Burt]

Okay, you said no, But I do have some public yards. Well, that's awesome. Congratulations.

[Summer]

Thank you so much.

[Bert]

Shouldn't we be invited to the wedding now?

[Summer]

Well, of course we can sit in the front row.

[Bert]

Shouldn't at least Bert and I be invited to the wedding?

[Summer]

Yes, I will absolutely send your invitations.

[Burt]

We've had our skeptics, but I think we have proven today, this is proof. Chiclets and Banaka equals love.

[Bert]

It's our first Chiclets and Banaka wedding.

[Burt]

Awesome.

[Summer]

You guys are the best.

[Burt]

Hey, Summer, stay in touch with us, okay?

[Summer]

I will. Absolutely.

[Burt]

Thank you.

[Summer]

Thank you so much.

[Burt]

You know, Jeff, they laughed at us.

[Bert]

They mocked us.

[Burt]

They all laughed at us.

[Bert]

When we submitted the forms for the Nobel Peace Prize. What did they do? They thumbed their noses at us.

[Burt]

Now we're bridging the gap. So if there's someone out there, that can happen anywhere, it could be at the qt. It could be at a Laundromat or a restaurant. You go up to them, you ask them or her if they have any Chiclets. Now, they're not gonna have any Chiclets. All right? But they may say no. But I do have Banaka. That's the key word. To know that. Yes, I know what you're talking about, and I'm digging on you.

[Bert]

You know what? I'm getting a little tear in my eyes. Because a life might be created. Chiclets and the Banaka.

[Burt]

The first kid's name is gonna be Banaka.

[Bert]

The first kid, it's gonna be Bert.

[Burt]

Jeff Banaka. Jeff and Chiclets. So it can happen. We gotta bring that back. Cause it's been a while since we talked about that.

[Bert]

Sure.

[Burt]

Maybe a Banaka and Chiclets night coming up here pretty soon. The bird show.

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[Bert]

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[Burt]

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[Burt]

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[Bert]

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[Advertiser]

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[Burt]

You'd be hard pressed to find a bigger record producer than Babyface. So we were all a little shocked when he decided to stop by the Burt show for a little visit. When Babyface walked in here early, believe it or not, we were all just kind of sitting around the mics waiting for him. He gets in here early. And there was no formal beginning to the interview.

[Summer]

He was so unassuming. It was. I mean, just he himself was so unassuming, which is probably one of the nicest things you can say about somebody anyway, you know, especially a big star like that.

[Burt]

Usually, you know, someone will sit down and I'll. I'll turn the mics on and I'll introduce everybody, right? And he'll say hi to every one of us individually, and they'll expect this.

[Summer]

Big introduction, this formal introduction as well.

[Burt]

It wasn't like that with Babyface, though. So here's the interview, and it starts off kind of weird because it's really just all sitting around, just chatting.

[Summer]

We're trying to stay as far away from you as possible. Mics are just set up like this.

[Advertiser]

Sorry.

[Burt]

Do you watch MTV at all? Yeah. Do you. You ever watch the Real World?

[Babyface]

Yeah.

[Burt]

She was on the Seattle cast of the Real World. She was the one with Lyme disease. No, don't make me want to be that girl.

[Summer]

I wasn't that girl.

[Burt]

She was. She got slapped.

[Babyface]

Is it hard having Lyme disease?

[Summer]

Well, right after I went through that whole ordeal on the girl. Lyme disease, I had been jogging, and I was taking off my clothes.

[Burt]

That's another thing. When you have Lyme disease, you just start. You just start taking clothes off when you have laundry.

[Summer]

I had a tick embedded right in my boob. Excuse me? My. You know, after. Right after I got back, and it was really like the feet were still in. And I freaked out. I flipped out because I lived in the mountains and.

[Burt]

When's the last time you started an interview off talking about a tick on a woman's boob?

[Babyface]

That's never happened. Probably never will happen again.

[Burt]

I'm thinking this is a first, but.

[Babyface]

I'll remember it, though.

[Jeff]

You will. You'll remember the.

[Burt]

Before you got in here, I was just looking at the names of people that you've collaborated or you've produced, and the list just. I mean, it took me, like, 13 pages to print out the entire list. There's Paula Abdul, there's Mary J. Blige, Brandi, Toni Braxton, Boyz II Men, Mariah Carey, Eric Clapton and Vogue, Aretha Franklin, Some woman named Whitney Houston, Gladys Knight. This Chick named Madonna. She's a real up and comer.

[Babyface]

She's gonna be really good one day.

[Burt]

Yeah, she's got something there. Vanessa Williams. My first question is going to be like one of Music 101. I gotta be honest with you, Babyface. I have no idea what producing a single means. There's.

[Babyface]

There's different kinds of producers. I'm a producer, musician, so I'll cut the music as well as kind of guide the singer who's ever the artist. While they're in the there behind the mic, I kind of help guide them. And so it's kind of like having a.

[Burt]

It's like a consultant.

[Babyface]

It's kind of a consultant, but you're really there for the artist.

[Jeff]

So when it's time for you to perform and you have a producer on the other side of the glass, does that make it. How does that change the dynamic between you and your producer?

[Summer]

Yo, shut your mouth.

[Babyface]

I would listen to them and then I go back behind it and fix it the way I want.

[Burt]

You weren't paying these people. When artists like a TLC or a Toni Braxton comes to you and when they came to you, they were virtual unknowns at that point. What do you see in acts that you say, that's somebody that I absolutely have to work with or there's a person that has it or doesn't.

[Babyface]

If they personality. If it's like if it's just this hot personality and they got charisma. If they look good.

[Summer]

If they look good.

[Babyface]

If they look good.

[Summer]

Exactly.

[Babyface]

Or if you. They don't look good, but they have something about them that's like unique, you know, it's not. You're not always gorgeous. It's just something, something about you. And then of course, you know, they have to be able to sing, have a certain vibe in there, a tone in their voice or something. It's got to be something special.

[Burt]

And there's sometimes I wonder now that if it's more important to be good looking or have a good voice.

[Babyface]

Guys, that's a good looking. Good is not enough. It's. It's having the star quality.

[Burt]

Right?

[Summer]

Is there one, one, you know, singer, actress, whatever that you've worked with that's been special, yet hasn't quite had it all there musically.

[Burt]

Talking to Baby Face, the talent wasn't.

[Summer]

All there and it was just a struggle, but turned out all right.

[Babyface]

I'm not giving you a name, but. But yeah, there have been. But what they did have is this star quality and, and I can't Say enough about that. And there's couple of those around the day that may not be the best singers, but they are just total stars, you know. But so once you get past the music, we're in the star business.

[Burt]

Yeah. You know, if you walk through the doors of your own office, would you have that stark? Would you be an artist that you would start producing?

[Babyface]

Say that again.

[Bert]

Tough one.

[Babyface]

Probably not.

[Burt]

Really. Yeah.

[Babyface]

Because I don't. You don't see that to look at me and say, oh, I know. I bet he can do this, he can do that. I don't look at myself as a.

[Summer]

Star, but I bet you'd say, damn, he's good looking.

[Babyface]

Well, I'm glad you think so. I wouldn't say that myself.

[Burt]

How did you get to Atlanta in the first place? I know you're from Indianapolis, right?

[Babyface]

Yeah.

[Burt]

How did Atlanta happen?

[Babyface]

Louisiana and I, we were. We were living in LA at the time. And when we talked about starting at least label, we wanted to do it. We wanted to create our own town. You know, Barry Gordy did it in Detroit and created Motown. And we didn't think that we could do it in la. We think that we needed our own, our own backyard. So we brought LaFace down here and it made all the difference. We were able to find, you know, amazing talent down here. You know, Toni, although she came from another city, she auditioned here and so we actually found it here. And same thing with tlc, they were here. They may have came from other cities, but they were living here at the time. So we found them here, we found Usher here, we found outkast here. I mean, every big act that we found that, you know, went on to do great things basically, you know, were here in Atlanta. I don't know that they would have come to LA and we would have found it there. So it was, it was a very good move.

[Burt]

Tell us about the. The new album. New single.

[Babyface]

It's a new single now is a song called what if song being about situation. Everybody's in this room. Sure. Has had a boyfriend or a girlfriend at some point that you decided to not go any further with. You called it off and asked the question, what if we were wrong about each other? What if we were supposed to be together? What if that house that she's living in right now is supposed to be my house. And that car she's driving should be my car. And that baby she has should be my, my baby. And so it's asking that question now.

[Burt]

When you write a song like that, I mean, you're a married guy right now. So when you write a song like that, does your wife go, hold on a second. Wait one second here, Baby Face.

[Advertiser]

No.

[Babyface]

Yeah, I mean, I write all kind of songs that she could go, hey, what a. Wait a minute. What are you saying? I make my living off of people and their emotions. And when people say things and I. I listen to them, and if I hear something that's kind of clever, then I say, oh, that'd be interesting.

[Summer]

So you think you might write a song about a woman with tick on her.

[Babyface]

That's gonna be hard to put into lyrics.

[Burt]

Just not a lot of stuff that rhymes with tick.

[Babyface]

Yeah. And I don't know if everybody can relate to that. I'm gonna. I'm gonna think on it, though.

[Summer]

Thank you.

[Burt]

Come out of the box a little bit, Baby Face.

[Summer]

All right, I want you to mix it up a little. Get crazy.

[Burt]

If you can write a love song about ticks, I'll tell you what. I'll give you a million dollars.

[Babyface]

I'm gonna work on this, all right? See what happens.

[Burt]

And how about the rest of the songs on the new album? Tell us about about some of your favorites.

[Babyface]

Let's see. I did a fun song called Baby's Mama, which is with. I did that with Snoop.

[Burt]

Oh, oh, that's right. That's right. I just read about that.

[Babyface]

Yeah. And it's. That was fun.

[Burt]

What a combination.

[Babyface]

Yeah, it was. Most people like what? Basin?

[Burt]

Snoop.

[Babyface]

That don't make sense.

[Burt]

I want to call him and tell him that I think he has pink eye. Cuz I've heard every time I see him live on mtv, his eyes are always red. Well, you think he's got pink eyes?

[Babyface]

You know, he enjoys life.

[Burt]

Yeah. He's just got to wash them out every now and then. It wouldn't be so red out there.

[Babyface]

That would call enjoying life. That's what you call enjoying life.

[Summer]

Baby Face is gonna leave and be like, they are the most random people I have ever met.

[Burt]

So the name of the album is Face to Face, right? Yep. And the single is what if?

[Babyface]

Yep.

[Burt]

Great. Good luck with it.

[Babyface]

Thank you.

[Burt]

Thank you for coming and joining Q100 for a while.

[Babyface]

Good time. And I always remember the Tick story.

[Summer]

Yeah. See, we made an impression, Bert.

[Babyface]

Yes, you did. You did.

[Burt]

The next cd, if the first track is the Tick, we know where it came from.

[Babyface]

Tick on a boob.

[Burt]

Thanks, Baby Face. You're on. The Birch Show. Should have been a pretty easy night. Jeff is dropping Melissa's dog Toby off before all hell breaks loose.

[Bert]

I feel bad that I'm gonna do this, but I feel like I need to because we've been snowed. Snowed? Yeah.

[Burt]

All of us. Is this the Melissa thing?

[Bert]

Yes. All right, we have all. You know, she. You know, she marches around, says, oh, my kidneys hurt. Oh, my kidneys hurt.

[Jeff]

I never do that.

[Burt]

Yada, yada, yada. Dialysis.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. Transplant.

[Jeff]

Never, never do that.

[Bert]

Hey, Melissa, you want to go to lunch today? I can't eat. Yeah. Hey, Melissa, you want to go to the movies tonight? I have dialysis.

[Jeff]

Well, those are good excuses. Hey, I don't know what's wrong with those reasons.

[Bert]

Hey, Melissa, you gonna watch TV today? No, I'm resting from my dialysis. So I.

[Burt]

You know, it's not like we have proof. Like, we can look and go, oh, yeah, look, one of the kidneys isn't working.

[Bert]

Oh, I've got.

[Jeff]

You're more than welcome to come to Alice's with me. I tell you, it's a lot of fun.

[Bert]

Oh, I've got proof. Bert, I'll need you down that CDQ up track 39 and stand by with it. I'll need you to fire it for me. Just a moment. If you could also bring up my computer over here. I do have some sound effects that'll make the story a little more entertaining.

[Burt]

39. Ready to fire, sir. Warp speed 5.

[Bert]

All right, here's the situation. Melissa had some new carpeting put in her house the. The other day, right? So she brought Toby over to stay with Jessica and Sasha and I. Toby's her dog. Toby's her dog for the day. So the car. So, you know, Toby didn't have to be locked in a closet while the carpet guys did all the work and going crazy. And so last night, we gave Melissa a ride down to the Creed concert and in the process, returned Toby to her apartment. So we loaded Toby up in the passport, we drove over. We had to pick up Rachel, our new promotional instructor here at the radio station. So Jessica and Rachel and Toby and I drove over to Melissa's apartment. And then we pop out of the car, and we take Toby upstairs. We knock on the door, and Melissa.

[Burt]

Goes, come on in.

[Bert]

I'm just getting ready. And we bring Toby in the house, and she. She says, this is my apartment. This is. What's your cat's name?

[Jeff]

Akeema.

[Bert]

This is my cat Akeema. This is. You know, look at this nice patio I have. I'll be ready in two Seconds. So then she says, okay, I'm ready to go. And Rachel opens the door to the. To the apartment. And she pops the door up and starts to walk down. And Toby runs halfway down the stairs. Now I freak out because we've watched Toby from Melissa before. And Melissa always says, don't let Toby off the leash. Cause he'll run.

[Jeff]

You cannot let Toby off the leash outside.

[Burt]

He's gone.

[Bert]

Cause he'll run. And she always maintains that he runs toward the busiest intersection. But she's way in the back of this apartment complex. Way in the back. So anyway, so Toby starts to run down the stairs, and I panic.

[Summer]

Toby.

[Bert]

And Jessica sees Toby.

[Summer]

Toby.

[Bert]

And Melissa goes, toby, come here. And Toby comes back upstairs. So we're all very impressed. So we continue to file out, not really paying so much to what we now think is obedient Toby. And just as we all get outside and Melissa turns around to lock the door, Toby makes a run for it. And he did Puppy Shawshank. He was down the stairs.

[Burt]

He's been planning it for a while.

[Bert]

Down the stairs, front, you know, doing the run where the back legs almost kick up between the front legs. And as Melissa said, right toward Roswell Road, which is. I mean, we're way in the back of the complex. And this dog had a mission. There was a urine soaked leaf somewhere in the front of that apartment complex that he was gonna smell, and he was gonna smell it at that very moment. So now there's like a look of panic and we're like, what do we do? And of course, Melissa's Toby, you know, with anger and Toby, the mom voice. Yeah, yeah. And using its middle name, Toby Bejesus Carter. So then all of a sudden, Melissa realizes that she has to drop the facade that she has kidney disease to rescue Toby. So this is what I remember happening in my hand. But it was such a flash. But Melissa is on the. Is it the second or third story?

[Jeff]

Well, actually there's.

[Bert]

It's one flight of stairs, but it's the third story. It's the third story.

[Burt]

Right.

[Bert]

So she's on the third story. She's did a backflip off the patio, spun twice in the air, landed on the ground. Jeff could have sworn he heard. And in three quick strides made it the hundred yards to her car. You know, like doing the run that they do in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Step hits her car, slides across the hood a la Bo and Luke Duke slides into the car and in her Honda Accord, spun the tires out. Nice.

[Burt]

Very nice.

[Bert]

And left Jessica's upstairs making sure the cat doesn't go out. Rachel and I have both come downstairs and I'm looking at Rachel going, what's etiquette here? What do I do? Do I follow in my car? Do we try to run the other direction? Intercept what's supposed to happen here? Jessica's up on the stairs going, I think this is my fault somehow. This is my fault, and I kid you not, when, not 10 seconds later, around the corner of the, you know, of the, what do you call it, apartment complex comes Melissa Carter with Toby in the car.

[Burt]

Oh, no, you don't have any kitty problems.

[Bert]

Melissa, never meaning no harm. She was like her accord became the general leaf for a minute.

[Jeff]

Oh my God.

[Bert]

She jumped over a train. She drove by a box marked TNT and kicked it into the river and she got Toby back. The whole episode was 90 seconds long. But I have never not only seen a friend of mine, but a human on earth move is fast. If Melissa Carter did that, there's no kitty problem.

[Burt]

And then at the very end, you just heard a voice go. I reckon Toby knew just what he was getting into. You're on the vert show.

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[Burt]

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[Advertiser]

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[Burt]

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[Advertiser]

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[Burt]

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[Bert]

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[Burt]

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[Advertiser]

At a store near you. Warning, this product contains nicotine.

[Burt]

Nicotine is an addictive chemical. You know, when you only have 12 listeners, you'll take anybody, including convicts. We got this guy named George who calls in from jail every now and then just to check in with us. Good morning. Who's this?

[George]

This is George.

[Burt]

Hey, George. What's up?

[George]

Who's this?

[Burt]

This is Burt. You called me, dude.

[George]

Hey, this Burt?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[George]

All right. Am I on?

[Burt]

Yeah, you're on with Jeff and Cam and Melissa.

[George]

All right, all right. Where's Stacy? Or. Damn. I'm so nervous. What's her name?

[Bert]

Lindsay.

[George]

Lindsay? Yeah.

[Burt]

Yeah, Lindsay's doing the Real World road rules thing. Where are you?

[George]

What's she out up in Seattle?

[Bert]

Yeah, no, she's in Cabo.

[Burt]

In Cabo? I mean, yeah.

[Bert]

Oh, yeah, Cabo, Seattle.

[Burt]

George, where are you so close?

[George]

We're in the prison here in USB Atlanta.

[Burt]

Are you serious?

[George]

We're in the prison? Inside of the prison? Actually, we're in the hole.

[Burt]

What are you, like in solitary confinement or something? You haven't. They have phones in there.

[George]

That's. Well, we're orderly.

[Burt]

Oh, I thought. Oh, okay. I thought maybe you were one of the prisoners.

[George]

No, it's me, Flea and Garcia.

[Burt]

Is that right?

[George]

Flea and Garcia. My homeboy.

[Burt]

Everybody. You got everybody in the Red Hot Chili Peppers in that thing with you.

[Bert]

You still gotta. You still have prison names, even if you work there.

[Burt]

Hey, do you have a tattoo tear?

[George]

A tattoo tier?

[Burt]

Yeah, one of those tattoo tears.

[George]

What do you mean?

[Burt]

You know, like a tattoo. A tear, right, Coming out of your eye?

[Babyface]

No, no.

[Burt]

Teardrop.

[George]

You mean teardrop?

[Burt]

Yeah, the teardrop. Yeah. You don't have one of those deals.

[George]

No, tattoos on our face.

[Burt]

What do you do down there, George?

[George]

What do we do? Yeah, we hang out and do our time.

[Bert]

Oh, so you are a prisoner?

[George]

Yeah, I'm a prisoner. I'm not a guard.

[Burt]

I thought you said you were an orderly.

[George]

Yeah, I work here.

[Burt]

Dude. Okay, now it's all coming full circle.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[George]

There you go.

[Summer]

Cool.

[Burt]

What you do to get in?

[George]

They say I robbed a bank.

[Bert]

They say I robbed a bank.

[Burt]

Come on, George. Come clean up in Kansas, did you?

[George]

No.

[Burt]

Come on.

[George]

Yeah, I did. My homeboy got busted with a ton of weed. But it was for personal use. It wasn't for. It wasn't. It wasn't to sell.

[Burt]

And the over overall scheme of things when you're in prison, which is a Higher pride factor. The bag of weed or robbing a bank.

[George]

It's all good.

[Bert]

So what do you do all the time?

[George]

What do we do?

[Jeff]

Yeah. When you say you're an orderly, what does that job entail?

[George]

We clean up, you know, make sure that the halls are clean and sweep and mop and take care of the place.

[Burt]

Is this like a maximum security prison place?

[George]

Yeah, no doubt. This is the himax. See, it's a penitentiary.

[Burt]

Jail is fascinating. This is, like a little Scared Straight thing going on for me right now.

[Bert]

Did you call us collect?

[George]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Oh, cool.

[George]

Yeah, I've been wanting to call for the last few months. I just don't get time, you know. I ain't got time. I've been real busy.

[Bert]

You got nothing but time, my friend.

[George]

Yeah.

[Summer]

This call is from a federal prison.

[Burt]

That's. That was confirmation right there. Did you hear that, George?

[George]

Do what?

[Burt]

Could you hear that?

[George]

Yeah, I hear it every day.

[Burt]

So what, you get like one call a day or something?

[George]

No, we get all the calls we want.

[Burt]

Really?

[Jeff]

Really. Okay.

[Bert]

Yeah. But we're paying for this, right?

[George]

Yeah. All right, well, we can pay for it, too, but I don't have y' all on my list, you know?

[Burt]

Well, put us on your list. You're fun to talk to.

[George]

I'm waiting to get transferred from here.

[Burt]

Where are you going?

[George]

I'm not sure.

[Burt]

They don't tell you where?

[George]

No, I'm waiting. Yeah, they'll tell me once they designate me, but I haven't been designated yet.

[Burt]

Do you have, like, a group of guys that all hang out together and protect each other like they did in Shawshank?

[George]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Summer]

Something like that.

[Burt]

You do?

[George]

Yeah.

[Burt]

And you guys all got each other's backs.

[George]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Really.

[Bert]

Did you ever see the movie Shawshank?

[George]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Great movie.

[George]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

So how much time you have left?

[George]

I've got five years left.

[Burt]

Oh, man. Did anybody get hurt in the robbery?

[George]

No, no, no.

[Burt]

In the alleged robbery?

[George]

No, no, no.

[Burt]

You were driving the car, weren't you?

[George]

No, no, I went in by myself.

[Bert]

How did that. So let me.

[Burt]

How's that all go down?

[Bert]

Let me take you back. You're sitting at home and you need some money, right? So you say, I'm going to go to the bank, right. And rob it and withdraw and make a. Withdraw. So. So what's the.

[Burt]

What's the plan like?

[Bert]

What's the process like? Do you figure I want to try.

[George]

To get at least what I would earn in a year, you know, on a regular job? I figured 23,25,000.

[Bert]

Okay, so you walked into the bank.

[Burt]

So now we've got motivations. 25 grand.

[Bert]

Did you pass a note, or did you do Everybody get on the floor?

[George]

Exactly. Everybody get on the floor.

[Burt]

Oh, you had a gun. You had a gun.

[Bert]

Yeah, see, that'll screw you up every time.

[George]

Yeah, the gun. The gun. The gun messes you up.

[Burt]

You wouldn't really shot anybody with that thing, would you?

[George]

No, no, I just wanted the money.

[Bert]

So then you go up to the teller and you go, give me all the money, and they. They. They give you all the money. Right, and then. Then you leave, and then you run.

[Burt]

Well, then they hit the silent alarm thing. And then they busted you or what?

[George]

No, they got me. They got me a while later at a hotel. SWAT team. They had already been on me for. For dates.

[Burt]

Oh, yeah.

[Babyface]

Oh, really?

[Burt]

So this wasn't the first thing that you've done?

[George]

No, no. I was on, like, a spree.

[Burt]

You were. You. You robbed a bunch of different banks?

[George]

Yeah.

[Burt]

How many?

[George]

I don't want to go into that.

[Burt]

Oh, come on. Just you and me.

[George]

That could jeopardize me.

[Bert]

Let's play the over under game. 5.

[George]

Oh, wow.

[Burt]

But you never killed anybody.

[George]

Never.

[Burt]

Never. All right. Because then all of a sudden, gets serious.

[George]

No, I'm not kidding.

[Burt]

Q100 listeners aren't murderers. They're just rape robbers. Come on.

[George]

Hey, y' all do a good job there.

[Burt]

Thanks, man. You guys get to listen down there?

[George]

Yeah, we'll get to listen.

[Burt]

How are they rehabilitating you?

[George]

They're not. We just do time. You can't rehabilitate a hardcore criminal.

[Burt]

You can't. So what you're saying is, once you get back out, you're gonna start robbing banks again?

[George]

No, no. You learn by being in here a significant amount of time. You learned that you don't want to be here no more.

[Bert]

You know, next time you're standing in the bank, you're gonna think, you know what? Maybe I should put this gun away and just leave, because I spent the last 10 years of my life.

[George]

Yeah. You learned.

[Burt]

How old a guy are you?

[George]

I'm 38.

[Burt]

And how long have you spent in jail total in your life in jail?

[George]

10.

[Burt]

10 years, man. That's a long time out of your life, man. I bet you're done with that.

[George]

Yeah, but there's guys that's done more.

[Burt]

Yeah, it's those guys that are in there forever, probably, that you got to watch out for, right?

[George]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Do you have a family on the outside?

[George]

Yeah. Do I got a wife and two kids, and I got a mother and all that.

[Burt]

And she's standing by you during this whole time?

[George]

No, that. That don't happen.

[Burt]

N. She bailed.

[George]

Yeah, we still talk.

[Bert]

You got a. You got any shout outs to anybody up in.

[George]

Actually, she's sick. You know, she's sick with leukemia.

[Burt]

Oh, man.

[George]

We still talk.

[Bert]

You want to say hi to anybody, either on the outside or in the big house?

[George]

No, I want to say hi to Lindsay.

[Burt]

You picked the wrong time. She's not here.

[George]

Yeah, I know. But Melissa's cool, too.

[Burt]

Yeah, she is.

[George]

Yeah, Melissa's cool. All y'. All.

[Bert]

Melissa's. Melissa's like the women in prison, if.

[Babyface]

You know what I mean.

[George]

I know.

[Summer]

I know.

[Advertiser]

I know.

[George]

I know the story.

[Burt]

So a bunch of those.

[George]

She's cool with it. You know, she carries it well. She's real professional.

[Bert]

Yeah, she does.

[Jeff]

Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

[Burt]

How often a day are you approached by guys to have sex?

[George]

Never.

[Burt]

Never. It never happens.

[Bert]

So you're the approacher.

[George]

No, No, I don't want that.

[Burt]

So. That stuff does not happen in jail.

[George]

Yeah, but not. They know who to go to and who not to, you know?

[Burt]

Well, I watched Shawshank, and they made some of those guys do it.

[George]

No, they don't happen like that.

[Bert]

Like, do they do the whole new fish thing?

[George]

Yeah. Yeah. Not here, though, because most of the guys here are career criminals already. You know, most of these guys have already done time. They've been. They've been through the system somewhere, sometime, some point in their life, you know, this is. This is the bottom of the barrel.

[Burt]

When did you say you're getting out?

[George]

Five years.

[Burt]

Five years, man.

[Bert]

Oh, we'll be so fired by then. I tell you to stop by, but.

[Burt]

We'Re not gonna be right by then.

[Bert]

That's about four years into our retirement plan.

[George]

That ain't nothing, man. Yeah, we're fitting to get cut off. Only got about, like, one minute left, so. All right, good talking to y'. All. Doing a good job.

[Burt]

Put us on your list and call every now and then.

[George]

All right?

[Burt]

All right, I'll do that. Walk backwards. Listen, it's the virt show.

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[Summer]

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