Full Show PT 2: Thursday, April 2 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: April 2, 2026 [Vault]

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show is a lively blend of candid listener stories, real-life drama, and playful group debates. The cast—Bert, Jen, Melissa, Wendy, and others—dive into relatable family mishaps, secrets, and the quirks of relationships and friendships. True to The Bert Show’s style, the tone is humorous and authentic, offering listeners a comforting morning escape as callers share personal dilemmas and the cast gives their honest (and often hilarious) takes.

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Major Segments and Key Points

1. Mother’s Day Gift Gone Awry

(Starts ~01:40)

• Caller Christina shares a well-intentioned but cringe-filled story: she collected her mom’s VHS tapes to have them converted to DVD as a sentimental Mother's Day gift.
• When she checks the finished DVDs, she discovers one labeled “Intimate Moments” is actually a homemade adult video of her parents (!!).
• Cast Reactions:
  • Initial shock and sympathy for Christina’s horror.
  • Playful banter (“You watched your own conception!” – Wendy, 04:48).
  • Discussion about how best to mitigate the impending disaster—should she tell her mom, destroy the DVD, or just play it cool?
  • Advice ranges from telling a white lie, to getting the company to intervene, to just pretending not to know anything.
• Notable quote:
  • “Is there any way to get to the package before your mom gets to the package?” — Bert, 06:48
  • “Once you’ve seen your dad’s penis—oh, God.” — Wendy and Christina, 08:00

Memorable Moment:

• The empathy when Christina panics about lying to her mom, and the unanimous agreement that getting stuck with a “family memory” like that is every child’s nightmare.

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2. Family Distance: Surprising Your Mom with Major Life News

(Starts ~13:26)

• Caller Jenna explains that in the year since her mom moved to Vancouver and remarried, she herself got married and had a baby—without ever telling her mom.
• Her plan: reveal both surprises in person when her mom visits.
• The cast marvels at Jenna’s distant relationship with her mother, comparing it to a family of strangers rather than close relatives.
• Jenna recounts her mom’s reaction: initial surprise, then happiness, and ultimately a good visit, though her mom opts for a hotel instead of staying with Jenna’s new family.
• Notable quote:
  • “It just never came up.” — Jenna, 14:49
  • “I’m really trying to comprehend that.” — Melissa, 20:00

Key Insights:

• The discussion shifts to the nature of family bonds, sharing, and what happens when generational distance shapes emotional closeness.
• Jenna assures a caller (Tracy, 20:05) she “doesn’t plan to raise [her] daughter the same way.”

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3. Do Women's Mag Advice Columns Get Men Right?

(Starts ~21:08)

• Jen brings in a list from a women’s magazine about what “guys love that girls do”—to see if men on the show agree with the list.
• The group debates:
  • Crying at movies: Most men are neutral, unless the lack or excess of tears signals unexpected personality traits (23:20).
  • Biting your lip: Universally agreed as cute/sexy (25:57).
  • Playing sports with your guy: Super attractive, but men still want to win! (26:28)
  • Watching your partner sleep: Mixed; some find it cute, others creepy (27:59).
  • Watching a woman do her job really well: Seen as attractive, especially if she’s confident and successful (29:11).
• Notable quotes:
  • “There’s no situation where a girl biting her lip isn’t sexy.” — Burt, 26:06
  • “If we’re going to throw the football around and you put a jersey on, we will never make it out…” — Burt, 26:33
  • “It’s kind of creepy.” — Wendy (on watching someone sleep), 28:00

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4. Do Women Stay Friends Out of Fear?

(Starts ~30:40)

• Bert asks if women keep friendships with people they dislike out of fear of repercussions.
• Melissa: It’s usually more about avoiding drama, not real “fear.”
• Jen: Sometimes group dynamics or a controlling “leader” keep you locked in.
• Discusses “adult mean girls” and social circles, referencing “Mean Girls” dynamics among celebrities (think Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian).
• Callers weigh in:
  • Michelle (disguised voice): Has to keep up a fake relationship with an employee who knows incriminating secrets about Michelle’s boss (34:00).
  • Jade: Feels blackmailed by a longtime friend/co-worker who uses threats to maintain control (34:55).
  • Amanda: Even after moving away, she’s still scared to unfriend a manipulative, controlling dorm-mate on Facebook (36:28).
  • Sue: Maintains contact with a “horrible” friend out of fear she’ll reveal Sue’s affair to her husband (38:03).
• Notable quote:
  • “We never leave the seventh grade.” — Jen, 37:41

Insight:

• The cast is amazed at these stories, and the guys admit they’d never remain friends with someone out of fear or potential blackmail.

---

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “I want you to give us a little bit of a play by play as you’re watching TV, and you got to be careful about what you see, but, like, just the emotion that you have when you realize, oh my—" — Bert, 05:20
• “There are very few people who actually on DVD have when they were created…” — Melissa, 05:42
• “It sounds like she’s turning into her mom…” — Burt, reflecting after the family segment, 20:34
• “If you don’t put in the work, you’re going to repeat the pattern.” — Jen (on breaking family cycles), 20:47
• “We never leave the seventh grade.” — Jen, 37:41
• “I maintain a friendship with a wretched, horrible human being of a woman because she knows I cheated on my husband and she will tell him because she’s vindictive.” — Sue (Caller), 38:05

---

Overall Tone and Takeaways

The episode’s tone is light, honest, and empathetic, infusing humor into cringe-worthy personal moments and big relationship questions. With each segment, the cast navigates real-life messiness—whether it’s family secrets, awkward gift snafus, or the politics of adult friendships—and gleans universal relatable truths: everyone has something in their past, families are complicated, and sometimes your social circle is way more dramatic than you’d like to admit.

Listeners will walk away entertained, reassured they’re not alone, and perhaps with a new rule: Always screen the tapes before turning them into a family keepsake.

---

Transcript

[Burt]

So good, so good, so good.

[Caller/Guest]

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[Jen]

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[Burt]

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[Caller/Guest]

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[Burt]

This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Last year, I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself. When you're navigating life's changes, Talkspace can help. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers that you can access anytime, anywhere. Living a busy life, navigating a long distance relationship, becoming a first stepfather, Talkspace made all of those journeys possible. I could speak with my therapist in the office. I could speak with my therapist in the comfort of my home. I was never alone. Talkspace works with most major insurers and most insured members have a $0 copay. No insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off your first month with promo code space80 when you go to talkspace.com match with a licensed therapist today at talkspace.com sign up. Save $80 with code [e-mail] the Burt Show. All right, Christina here thought she was doing a great thing. She knew Mother's Day was this weekend, so she sends mom out a package early. So it's there on Sunday.

[Melissa]

Perfect.

[Burt]

Sounds great.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Thought ahead, puts it in the mail.

[Jen]

Very good.

[Burt]

Starts to panic a little bit. Hey, Christina.

[Caller/Guest]

Good morning. Good morning.

[Burt]

How are you?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm doing good. Doing good.

[Burt]

This has the potential to be an awful Mother's Day.

[Caller/Guest]

It really does. And I have no idea what to do. I'm freaking out a little bit.

[Melissa]

Why'd you send her?

[Burt]

And we're gonna have to let me just say this too. We're gonna have to handle this very delicately. So let's pick and choose our words very carefully because it's before 8:30.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay. Okay, here's a story. So I was visiting my parents. They live in St. Louis. Visiting them a couple months ago. And I thought ahead because I've been wanting to do this for many years for my mom. But this was the year that finally, you know, I was like, okay, I'm going to do it. She has VHS tapes, like tons of VHS tapes of, you know, like family gatherings and family moments. And I thought, okay, I'm going to get all of her VHS tapes and I'm going to take them to get converted to dvd. Yeah, I mean, no one uses VHS anymore except my mom. And so anyways, I went to this company that's right by their house, actually, and asked the people there. I mean, I had gathered so many vhs, they had them everywhere. I mean, her place is a mess. But I gathered all of these VHS tapes, take them to this place, and I asked them to do, you know, to convert them to DVD and to maybe do like. Like edit a little montage or something that would be good for her for Mother's Day.

[Burt]

Awesome idea.

[Caller/Guest]

Great, right? That's what I thought.

[Burt]

I can't think of anything that a mother would want more than those kind of memories.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

Other than scratch off lottery tickets.

[Caller/Guest]

So everything was good. I asked them because they are, like, literally probably four blocks from her house. I asked them if, you know, because I was coming back to Atlanta. I asked them if they could deliver it to her a couple days before Mother's Day. And I had written her a note and I put, hey, mom, happy Mother's Day. Don't open till Mother's Day or something. I hope you enjoy it. Well, they did exactly what they said they were going to do. And they also sent me a copy of the DVDs, I guess out of courtesy to me. I got them a couple of days ago. And one of them said, because they labeled them, one of them was labeled Intimate Moments. And I thought, okay, this is probably the little montage that I asked them to do. And I popped it in and no, no. Was not a montage of family moments. It was an adult entertainment tape that they had made back in the day. So my mom and your dad open up.

[Jen]

Oh, my.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes. Yes, exactly.

[Jen]

That's awesome.

[Caller/Guest]

That's not awesome. I don't know what this is. Oh, my God.

[Melissa]

That's better than I thought. I thought it was going to be something of you. Yeah, it's your mom. That's awesome.

[Jen]

I think she might actually like that.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, my God.

[Melissa]

She's going to be. You don't know my mom.

[Burt]

She really conservative.

[Wendy]

You saw your daddy's dress.

[Melissa]

You sound like it.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. You don't know my mom. She's not gonna. She's gonna be absolutely humiliated. She's gonna know that I saw that.

[Burt]

I want you to give us a little bit of a play by play as you're watching tv, and what you're. You gotta be careful about what you see. But, like, just the emotion that you have when you realize, oh, my.

[Melissa]

It's horrible.

[Caller/Guest]

God, I can't even describe it. It's horrible. It's not something you ever wanna see.

[Melissa]

Very few people get to actually on dvd, have when they were created. I mean, seriously.

[Wendy]

You watched your own conception.

[Caller/Guest]

I never thought my mom and dad were those kinds of folks that would.

[Melissa]

But my thing is that you know the beginning of your story, like, she does never. She never has to know that you got copies of these. Maybe. I don't know how you can do that, but I'm thinking that, like you said, you just gathered all her VHS tapes and send it. The only people that she has to be embarrassed about is the people that convert the company. She never has to know that you saw it.

[Burt]

So let's say Mother's Day rolls around and you got all this family there, and she gets this great gift, and she's like, oh, we gotta start watching this now. And the whole family is around the tv.

[Wendy]

It's labeled Intimate Moments.

[Melissa]

It doesn't matter how old you are. A woman, she knows that that was in that group. So as soon as she sees that her daughter grabbed all her VHS tapes and sent them to be converted, that's gonna pop in her head.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, it is.

[Melissa]

She's gonna know that she's gonna. That's the first thing she's gonna search for is through the tapes, like. Cause she knows that's in there.

[Burt]

Is there any way to get to the package before your mom gets to the package? Like, can't you go over to Mom's house and go, oh, I wanted to add something to it.

[Wendy]

She in St. Louis.

[Caller/Guest]

Fly back to St. Louis?

[Burt]

Oh, yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Just to do that. Yeah.

[Melissa]

I wouldn't worry about it. I wouldn't act like you saw.

[Jen]

I think mom actually might be glad to have it on dvd.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

I mean, why?

[Wendy]

Because it ends the hassle of rewinding?

[Jen]

No, I'm just saying because if it were from back in. She said back in the day. Well, it can't be that long ago because they had a video camera. But she might like the way she looked 15, 20 years ago.

[Wendy]

Big over the shoulder camera.

[Burt]

Horrifying.

[Jen]

But you know what I'm saying? Like, she might be like, oh, I'm glad that's archived. I was looking hot back then.

[Burt]

Her daughter saw it. Horrifying.

[Jen]

She doesn't know that her daughter saw it.

[Melissa]

That's what I'm Saying she does not have to know the daughter saw it. If you tell her, I just grabbed everything, put it in a bag, and sent it to this company. Happy Mother's Day. And then if she asks, because she's gonna ask you, we'll just.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, but here's the problem with that, is that it is humanly impossible for me to lie to my mom. Like, I can't. I know I wouldn't be able to. You know?

[Wendy]

And even if you were the best liar in the world, and she comes out and asks, have you seen any of these videotapes once you've seen your dad's penis.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, God.

[Melissa]

Then if you want. If you wanted to use the truth with your mom, why did you call us? For advice? You know what I mean?

[Burt]

Well, is there an honest way around it, then?

[Caller/Guest]

Maybe.

[Burt]

Hey, Brianna. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Guest]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Hi.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi. Tell your mom that the company called and said there was one DVD on there that was a little bit different from the rest, and they wanted to give you a warning. She knows you know, you're not lying to her, but you've never seen that. Oh, that's a really good idea. That could help. Or you could just have the company, if they're delivering it, say, hey, you know, we sent your daughter a copy of the dvd, but there's. There's one we didn't send her. It was a little bit different from the rest.

[Wendy]

Is it already been delivered?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, it has.

[Melissa]

She's already. So she already has the shipment, but

[Burt]

she's not supposed to open it until Monday.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, because she told me. She's like. Like, I got the box.

[Wendy]

It's like having a bomb with a time. It's like the end of Heather's. When the bomb was in the basement, counting down.

[Melissa]

That was a good movie.

[Wendy]

Just get everybody out of the school.

[Burt]

This is like an episode of 24. It's all gonna end Sunday. 3 o' clock in the afternoon.

[Wendy]

Jack Bauer. The following takes place between 1979 and 1980. Oh, Henry.

[Burt]

What if you call the production company. Production company calls mom and goes, we accidentally put somebody else's DVD within yours?

[Wendy]

Because she doesn't know what it is yet.

[Melissa]

She doesn't know what the gift is.

[Burt]

That's right.

[Wendy]

And where is.

[Caller/Guest]

I really would not mind if the surprise at least of that is messed up. Like, it's fine.

[Wendy]

Okay, where are the VHS tapes right now?

[Caller/Guest]

The VHS tapes are in a box they were supposed to deliver. Like, put the old VHS tapes in, just, like, an unmarked box and then wrap the DVDs in, like, a. You know, a nicer gift type box.

[Melissa]

They're all there at her mom's house.

[Wendy]

Even if they do that and they pick up both boxes.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, yeah.

[Wendy]

Once your mom realizes what it is, she's gonna go look for that VHS tape.

[Melissa]

She knows that's in there.

[Wendy]

She knows that people have seen it.

[Melissa]

She knows that's in. I don't know why everybody thinks she's gonna forget her tape. No.

[Burt]

Hey, Shay.

[Melissa]

The tape's in there.

[Burt]

Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, I was just wondering, why don't you call your dad and say, hey, dad, there's a DVD in there that you might want to take out before you show the family, and you can watch it on your own time and make a little happy Mother's Day.

[Burt]

I'm not exactly sure who would be more humiliated in that situation, dad or Mom.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm more embarrassed to talk to my dad about that.

[Melissa]

No.

[Jen]

Oh, no, no. I could not make that phone call.

[Melissa]

I just can't imagine me seeing my parents.

[Burt]

Would that be an easier call for you to your dad or your mom?

[Caller/Guest]

Mom.

[Burt]

Mom, for sure. I think for guys, it would probably be easier to make to the dad.

[Caller/Guest]

Exactly. But I'm a girl, so my mom

[Wendy]

is who I am.

[Jen]

Telling my dad. Oh, that's funny.

[Melissa]

I think it's funny.

[Burt]

I've got no real good advice lined up for you on the phone. I think this is just.

[Melissa]

I don't think it's gonna be as disastrous as you think. I just think it is gonna be embarrassing for her. And you know that the entire company saw that when they were transferring that tape. I mean, that was the entire company.

[Wendy]

And, you know, they call people in.

[Melissa]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Wendy]

Cause there are weird things. Was an ideal image back then. There was all sorts of stuff going on.

[Melissa]

That's her parents. Stop.

[Wendy]

I'm just saying.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, my God.

[Wendy]

Like, there are things that you don't see in this day and age happening on that tape. They're probably smoking cigarettes while they're doing it.

[Melissa]

Stop here.

[Burt]

Wendy here is hilarious, though. Wants to ease your mind a little bit. Go ahead, Wendy. You're part of the Burt Show.

[Caller/Guest]

I found a picture of my mom and dad about, I guess, five years ago. It was a picture of both of them naked, and we ended up laughing about it. She was embarrassed, but it wasn't a big deal.

[Burt]

Was it a picture just of them, like, holding hands naked, or was it a picture of you Know I'm talking about.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't know, it was a picture of my mom kneeling down like she's about to do something.

[Burt]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Melissa]

I will say that I think that this is not gonna ruin the entire idea of. I don't think it's. Like I said earlier, I don't think it's gonna be as disastrous as you think. I know you don't want your mom to be embarrassed, but. I don't know, I just. I.

[Burt]

It's just gonna be uncomfortable.

[Melissa]

It's gonna be for a moment. But I think that one tape out of. How many DVDs are there in this collection?

[Caller/Guest]

There were like six.

[Melissa]

Oh, just six. Okay.

[Burt]

I'm curious. How many seconds into watching what you were watching, did you stop it pretty quickly?

[Caller/Guest]

I was.

[Melissa]

How many seconds?

[Caller/Guest]

I don't know. I didn't count them. But just like a. You know, as soon as I realized that it was that.

[Melissa]

Because it's.

[Burt]

I would pull every muscle in my body moving that fast to hit the off button.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, well, no, I mean, once I realized what it was, I did. Oh, yeah, Yeah. I don't want to see that. I don't want to see that.

[Burt]

Of course, of course.

[Wendy]

It's not even debatable from a female point of view. What did you think of your dad?

[Jen]

Stop.

[Melissa]

Oh, God.

[Burt]

Hey, Christina, let's talk to you on Monday morning. Find out how it all went down.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[Burt]

So to speak.

[Caller/Guest]

All right, guys.

[Burt]

All right. Good luck.

[Caller/Guest]

Thank you.

[Burt]

Happy Mother's Day, the bird show. All right, back to Jenna here from Friday show.

[Caller/Guest]

About a year ago, my mom got remarried and moved to Vancouver, and she's coming out this weekend. And in the year that she's been gone, I have had a baby and I have gotten married, and I haven't told her at all.

[Burt]

Mom was coming in from Vancouver this weekend, and she was gonna be greeted by Jenna here, who was gonna tell her, a, I'm married, and B, you have a granddaughter.

[Melissa]

Well, apparently the relationship is not that close. And the mom has done this. That she got married. And I think, didn't she get married and go to Canada? And so it was kind of. It was kind of. I don't know. That's how they handle things. It seems like some.

[Jen]

She said some sort of comment about how her mom has bailed on her a lot for men.

[Burt]

Hey, Jenna.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi. How are you?

[Burt]

Hi.

[Caller/Guest]

Good.

[Burt]

Now, I wasn't here on Friday, so can you give us like a. Give me the 60 second detail version of your story?

[Caller/Guest]

Okay. Well, my Mother got married a year ago and moved to Vancouver. At the time, I was two months pregnant and wasn't sure what I was going to do about it while she was in Vancouver. In Vancouver, I decided to have the child and I got married.

[Burt]

Okay. And in these conversations that you've had with mom since, you never said, oh, yeah, there's one thing that I really ought to run by you. I'm married, or, hey, there's really something that's been going on the last nine months that I think you'd be interested in.

[Caller/Guest]

It just never came up.

[Burt]

Like, how does something like that come up?

[Caller/Guest]

Way we just do small talk, how's work, blah, blah, blah. So it just never really came up. And I'm so used to our lives being that way that I just never thought to tell her.

[Melissa]

And listeners were talking about how. How did. How does a baby not cry in the background or make noises in the background and she not hear it? But apparently that didn't happen, right?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, no, that never happened. I mean, I just left the room.

[Burt]

So you're almost hiding it from her.

[Caller/Guest]

I mean, I guess I never really thought of it that way. I mean, it just didn't occur to me.

[Burt]

Okay, you're making me feel way better about my family, for sure. So your mom shows up this weekend, and when do you break it to her that, a, you're married and then the second part of the whole thing, that you got a kid?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, I was going to take everybody with me to the airport, but you guys told me that would be a bad idea, so I didn't do that. I just picked her up myself and, you know, we just made small talk for most of the ride. And then halfway home, I said, I have something to tell you. And oddly enough, she said, what, are you married or something? And you're like, well, I said, well, actually, yeah. And she was really happy about it. She was very happy about it.

[Jen]

Did you follow that with your grandmother?

[Caller/Guest]

That came as a little more of a shock, but she was happy about it, too, and she met them and she got along with everybody, and it ended up being a great weekend.

[Jen]

So she wasn't mad?

[Caller/Guest]

No, she wasn't. She actually, she told me she thought, you know, I was gonna end up, you know, just kind of being alone, so she was kind of happy.

[Burt]

Hobby. Can't understand this kind of family dysfunction. When we talk about this kind of stuff or I talk about how jacked up my family is, Jen looks at my case like she's looking at a display at the Smithsonian like, wow.

[Melissa]

Really is a little bizarre that you don't tell your mother about a child that you had in conversation. That's pretty unique.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't know, it just. Our family is. Well, I mean, it's mostly just her and me, so it's always just been very. I don't know, I've always gone off and done my own thing, so she. I really don't know much about her husband, you know.

[Melissa]

Well, when you have, like, phone conversations, don't you just say, what's new? Well, you have a belly.

[Caller/Guest]

I mean, you're. I mean, you're pregnant.

[Jen]

That'd be the first thing I think about.

[Caller/Guest]

It just. Honestly, it just never occurred to me about it. Just because she's not here and, you know, it's not like she's living down the street.

[Burt]

If you haven't been close to somebody your entire life like that. It does seem like an unbelievable story. But I can see the window of it being possible that you're just like, this is not something I share with these people. Because they almost don't seem like relatives.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I mean, I don't know, but. I mean, she's my mom. But, you know, it's just different with us, I guess. I don't know how to explain. It's just always been this way, you know, she doesn't know about boyfriends or she doesn't know, really about that side of my life.

[Burt]

Or husbands or babies or children.

[Caller/Guest]

Husband or baby, I guess.

[Melissa]

But I'm glad that she was happy for you, and I'm glad you had a great weekend. Now, my assumption is that you'll just go on as usual and you just have the same relationship with her and you see her again. You see her again.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I mean, maybe she'll ask me, like, how the baby is. It'll pretty much be same as before. I probably won't see her for another year.

[Burt]

What's that look, Melissa? That's an unfamiliar look to me.

[Melissa]

Well, no, I mean, it's just. Just listening, because it is. I don't think this is the ideal family situation, but it's her family situation, so it's just. I'm imagining the grandmother not seeing the baby for, you know, until it's going to school or something, so. But if that's. If that's how your relationship is, you know, established and you're all happy with that, then I'm glad that there was no tension this weekend.

[Caller/Guest]

No, it was great. I mean, she didn't stay with us in the end, but it was great.

[Burt]

What do you mean, didn't stay with you in the end?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, she was supposed to stay with us in my house, and she ended up staying in a hotel.

[Burt]

Was that her decision, or is that something that you suggested?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, no, that was her decision.

[Jen]

She's like, oh, I'm not just staying with you. There's a husband and a baby, so now I'm not gonna stay with you.

[Caller/Guest]

Exactly.

[Burt]

So in some cases, mothers would go, wow, that's. Or grandmothers would go, wow, I want to be around that baby as much as possible. But in other families, and I know this, it's like, well, it's gonna be a little loud, and I'll come check back tomorrow. We'll hang out a little bit.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, she was more like that. You know, she. She came, she played with my daughter. You know, they had a great time, and she went home. Yeah.

[Burt]

I gotta say, I understand where she's coming from.

[Jen]

That is wild. It's like a stranger.

[Burt]

Yeah, it almost is. You can definitely have family members that are almost like strangers.

[Melissa]

Weird.

[Caller/Guest]

I can't comprehend that.

[Melissa]

I'm really trying. I'm really trying.

[Burt]

Hey, Tracy. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, guys. I just want to know, do you plan to raise your daughter the same way that you were raised? No. No. I mean, I'm sure my daughter and me all have a close relationship. I mean, I don't know. She's young, so. But no, I. I don't plan on doing.

[Burt]

Oh, boy.

[Caller/Guest]

Good luck.

[Burt]

Tracy says. All right. Good luck.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[Burt]

Thank you for sharing.

[Caller/Guest]

All right. Thank you.

[Jen]

Thanks.

[Burt]

Bye. Bye. I am more disturbed by that call than I was by far.

[Melissa]

Why?

[Burt]

Because it sounds like she's turning into her mom, you know, like, oh, I don't know. That's how she knows we're gonna have the same relationship. I know it's a little early to tell. She's young and all.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I know. I mean, I'm not. I'm not surprised by that, because that's all she knows.

[Jen]

That's what she learned. Yeah.

[Melissa]

Like, I think that's. I think in your case and her case, Bert, because you talk about your family a lot. At least you're making efforts with your family so that you don't repeat the pattern. Right. If you don't make efforts, you're going to repeat the pattern.

[Burt]

It's the same family tree over and over and over again, unless you decide to change it. I just feel like I'm going to cleanse from this show today. Get it off of me. Hey, The Birch Show.

[Jen]

We read girl magazines, women's interest magazines. They write articles that are supposed to be from guys, but I always think that they're probably written by women. So I'll bring them in here and run them by the guys in here and see if you guys think they're giving us good advice in the women's magazines or bad advice.

[Burt]

We should grab Carl, too. Can you grab Carl? Just yell down the hall.

[Caller/Guest]

I will.

[Burt]

Because I really am half a man at this point.

[Melissa]

Well, I mean. And Jeff has hosted a baby shower, so.

[Burt]

Yeah, so.

[Jen]

Oh, yeah, we need Carl in here.

[Wendy]

I got my man card back this weekend when I pulled the car out of the ravine.

[Melissa]

I thought you said you called aaa.

[Wendy]

Oh, I. Oh, you didn't hear this. You didn't hear the whole story. AAA couldn't get it done.

[Melissa]

Really?

[Burt]

You had to go behind the car and lift it out yourself?

[Wendy]

I got it.

[Melissa]

Is this a case in which somebody loosened up a can lid and then

[Caller/Guest]

you just came in?

[Wendy]

I even gave the idea to aaa. I'm like, you know what? I could do this, couldn't I? He actually said I wouldn't. But if you want to try.

[Burt]

And you did it and you pulled it off, bring it. Hey, Carl. What's up, man? What's going on? We need your help here. Jen has a list of questions out of a girl's magazine, and she's not sure if it was written by a guy or not. So she needs to know if what she's reading here is right or is it accurate.

[Jen]

Basically, it says five little things that drive us crazy. Good crazy, not bad crazy. So these would be things that girls do that you guys really like. Like drive you crazy in a good

[Burt]

way, like in a sexy kind of way or something that we really kind of think is cute kind of way.

[Jen]

Yeah, it's kind of cute and sexy kind of way.

[Wendy]

So we'll give you grief about it, but reality is, keep doing it.

[Jen]

But, yeah, you kind of like it. So it's more of like a true or false thing. And then you guys can explain as we go.

[Burt]

Okay, I'm with Jen. I am never quite sure if are written by guys or written by women. Like, if I'm reading Maxim and it's, you know, dudes giving other dudes advice or women giving dudes advice. I'm not even sure you think it's

[Jen]

written by a guy and then you question it. Yeah, this is the same thing. I'm like, these are things I think that girls would think would be cute, but maybe Guys don't. So the first one is when you cry watching a movie. Maybe it's because we hardly ever do it, but we watch your heart melt, and it just kind of melts our hearts. I hardly ever cry because of what's going on in the movie, but I do sometimes cry because of watching my girlfriend cry.

[Burt]

Is that true for y'?

[Caller/Guest]

All?

[Melissa]

Do you, like, say that again? So.

[Jen]

So guys like it when girls cry in movies.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Wendy]

I don't care.

[Burt]

Me neither. Doesn't make any difference one way or the other. If she does, it confirms that girliness in her. If she didn't cry during a scene that I would think that every woman would cry at, I would question it. She's too hard. Yeah. Like if. Like, if a character in a movie loses a baby, maybe it's the end of Grey's Anatomy girl I'm with or something. And she doesn't cry, and she doesn't even tear up. I'd start to wonder if the whole

[Jen]

movie theater is sobbing and she's not your girlfriend. Yeah.

[Burt]

So it could go the other way. Right.

[Jen]

What about an overcryer? Like, if she overly cries at something that's not really that sad too much.

[Burt]

But it's not. But it's never a break.

[Melissa]

Pineapple Express.

[Burt]

I cried because I think I ordered that on Demand and lost $6. I don't think overly crying is a deal breaker. It's just, like, that's who she is. Overly crying for me could be a deal breaker. Yeah. If it's too much, you could bring me stress down later on down the line. I think that's, like, a sign of, like, too much baggage right there.

[Caller/Guest]

Too much.

[Jen]

Okay. But a little bit of crying is okay.

[Burt]

No worries. Especially in the beginning. We expect it. Y' all told us. Don't women cry, like, once a day?

[Melissa]

I mean, a lot? Yeah. Women don't cry just because we're sad. We cry to get stress out. Our bodies just. I mean, that's part of the way that we just process stuff.

[Burt]

When is the last time? And then we'll get back to the list. Honestly, for all three women in here, When's the last time you guys cried? Yesterday.

[Jen]

I teared up when I heard about Bea Arthur yesterday.

[Burt]

About Bea Arthur yesterday. You guys teared up about that?

[Melissa]

Sunday morning. Cbs is Sunday morning This great thing. An old interview with Wendy.

[Caller/Guest]

I know.

[Wendy]

When it was for Wendy, she already told me. Rio Grande ran out of Patron yesterday.

[Jen]

No, I always cry on those animal commercials.

[Melissa]

This Saturday afternoon, I had to change the channel.

[Jen]

With Sarah McLachlan.

[Caller/Guest]

Why do they do that?

[Jen]

Yeah, that's just torture right there. Oh, it's the adoption. It's like, give a pet a home. And it's just these. Oh, my. Wrenching footage of these animals that need to be adopted with the Sarah McLachlan song Running in the background.

[Wendy]

Look at the icy stare from purebred Burt. He's like, adapt. What?

[Melissa]

It's really sad.

[Jen]

Slit your wrist sad. Yeah, it's awful.

[Burt]

Terrible.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm with you on that one, Wendy.

[Jen]

I have to change the channel every time that commercial comes on.

[Melissa]

I'm like, no.

[Jen]

Like, I know where.

[Melissa]

Then all you have to do is hear it at that point. Then you're like, screw you, commercial.

[Caller/Guest]

Now I'm sobbing, and now I'm gonna

[Melissa]

go adopt an animal.

[Burt]

I think we're proving a point that women cry every day.

[Jen]

All right, so the next one on the list, they say that guys like girls to do is bite your lip to keep from smiling.

[Burt]

Oh, yeah. I do think that's really cute and sexy.

[Jen]

They say, especially if you have lip gloss on.

[Burt]

Oh, yeah.

[Jen]

Doesn't that sound like a girl comment? Doesn't that sound like a girl wrote that?

[Burt]

I don't care who wrote it. It's accurate. There is no situation where a girl biting her lip isn't sexy.

[Jen]

Okay, so we'll keep doing that one. This one I was curious about. It says, when you're playing a sport, I don't care if it's soccer or tennis or what, or even if you're any good at it. They say informal polo of my guy friends reveals watching their love interest go out to get physical is very appealing, 100%.

[Burt]

Right? Even if you suck at it. Yeah, 100%.

[Jen]

Just going out and trying, even if you're terrible at it, Even if you're

[Burt]

terrible, if you dress the part, even better. If we're going to throw the football around and you put a jersey on, we will never make it out. Come out there with a helmet.

[Caller/Guest]

Really?

[Burt]

Yes.

[Jen]

You feel the same way? What if she's too good at it? What if she's better than you at it?

[Wendy]

Come on, now.

[Melissa]

That's most of the time.

[Burt]

Come on, now. Can't happen, right? Depends what sport we're talking about.

[Jen]

Like, say you're just going out and you're going to shoot hoops and she beats you at horse three times in a row. Do you get frustrated with that? Are you okay with that?

[Burt]

Again, it's not a deal breaker, but inside.

[Melissa]

Oh, yes.

[Burt]

We're Back on the court.

[Jen]

So you want us to play the sport, just not be better than you at it.

[Wendy]

Then it goes back to the let him win. So just the ego discussion from last week.

[Burt]

You know what? I have my. My wife Michelle, she played. She played basketball. And when we play basketball, sometimes she's real aggressive. And, you know, I try to let it, like, give her, you know, her girliness, but she's real aggressive. She's always elbowing me and things like that, and I try to give it to her, but at times I find myself, you know, just trying to man up a little bit because I don't want her just elbow me. But it is kind of sexy that she's aggressive like that, but too sexy sometimes. See, Stacy will go the other side.

[Wendy]

She leaves you black and blue. If you go home and you gotta ice up and you're bruised, if you

[Burt]

gotta lie to your friends, how you got the cut or the bruise because your wife gave it to you, it's not sexy anymore.

[Jen]

All right, the next one on the list is watching us sleep. The guys could and sometimes do watch us sleep.

[Wendy]

It's kind of creepy.

[Burt]

Is it creepy? Y' all answer first.

[Wendy]

I mean, it depends on what it is. Like, if you walk in and you're getting ready for bed and she's already asleep and you stand there for two seconds. But, like, if you're bringing a rocking chair into the bedroom and just sitting at the corner staring at her while

[Jen]

she sleeps, that's creepy.

[Melissa]

So Kyle watches his wife sleep all the time. You do?

[Burt]

I do, too. There are times, like, I'll wake up earlier than Stacy, and she's just laying there, and I. Yeah, it's just sort of a reflective taking it all in. Like, this is my life. This is my wife. And, yeah, I'll stare at her.

[Jen]

A sweet moment. It's kind of cute.

[Wendy]

Not for me. Weird.

[Jen]

Lily.

[Burt]

Mm.

[Wendy]

Just watching somebody look at me, looking for a second. Yeah, it sounds cute in theory, but the reality is it's weird when that person is asleep and you're scared. Yeah.

[Burt]

You're not there for an hour, and I'm not like an inch from their face.

[Jen]

I think that's both ways. I think girls like to see you sleep too.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Now Jeff is freaked out because the last time we were on a flight together, I was watching him sleep really, really close. Now he's taking him reflecting. He woke up, and I think I was a little together for so long. Face to face was a little too close for him.

[Jen]

And then the last one on the list, they say watching you do your job, it's awesome to watch a woman who's an expert in something and think, that's my lady right there.

[Wendy]

Depends on what her job is.

[Burt]

If she's a stripper.

[Wendy]

Not sure how I feel about that.

[Burt]

I would agree with that. When Stacy is successful at something that she's doing, then that I do get turned on by that. I think I'm the same way. I'm proud of my wife when she does a good job. Cause she's real focused.

[Melissa]

Yeah, but you never thought about it, though.

[Burt]

No, I never thought about it, though.

[Jen]

Yeah, like, you got to go watch Jessica do her fashion show thing this weekend.

[Caller/Guest]

Whatever.

[Wendy]

Yeah, I was scared to death, though. That thing is long and looks slippery with the Runway.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Burt]

I think for the most part, it sounds like a pretty accurate list. Yeah.

[Jen]

Maybe it was written by a guy.

[Burt]

Yeah, I think for the most part,

[Jen]

it actually was this time. Maybe. Okay, cool.

[Burt]

The lip biting thing, that cannot be underestimated right there. Okay. If you don't. Unless you draw blood.

[Wendy]

All right, you got it, Pert.

[Burt]

You're doing good. You're fine on that one.

[Wendy]

We got it.

[Burt]

And again, the competing. Not the competing, but just playing sports together. 100%. Yeah. That's cool. I think any of those tips really work. Lip biting, throwing your hair around, all that girly sexual stuff. It works. It's funny because women spend so much time putting yourselves together to look good that in a lot of cases, we like you messy. Right. We think it's way sexier. Messy.

[Jen]

Right.

[Wendy]

Like your crush of that Lost girl.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Kate.

[Jen]

Evangeline Lilly.

[Burt]

She looks so much hotter to me on the island than she does in interviews on Regis.

[Jen]

Way hotter on the red carpet or something.

[Burt]

The third show. So I gotta ask women a question here, something that I heard this weekend. And I can't tell you specifically who I heard it from, but I heard these words come out of a woman's mouth that I was around, and it didn't make sense to me at the time because it's so not a guy thing. And I wonder if it's just a her thing or if it's a woman thing. My question is, do women keep friends because you're scared of them? Because you're scared not to be friends with them anymore? I'm assuming, based on what I heard in this conversation, is Jen and Melissa meet each other through Wendy.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Burt]

Okay. Wendy's really the. The middle one here.

[Melissa]

Go between.

[Burt]

Okay, the go between. And then Jen and Melissa start becoming Pretty good friends. You guys start hanging out, you're enjoying each other's company, so you're becoming girlfriends. Right. And then Melissa all of a sudden realizes that Jen just kind of has a mean streak to her. Just not really somebody that she feels like hanging out with. She's seen some of the things that Jen has done to other women and she's a little scared of her.

[Jen]

Just a little.

[Burt]

Just look, this is just not my cup of tea here.

[Melissa]

This is a little too close to the truth. But okay, keep going with the story. Such a scary figure.

[Burt]

Your Melissa is too scared of Jen and what Jen might do to Melissa if Melissa cuts the relationship off entirely. So they remain friends and Melissa goes through the motions. They go to dinners, they still talk on the phone. Melissa doesn't like to be in this relationship at all.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Burt]

But she is really nervous about what Jen might do to her and to the friends around them. Isn't it more just so she stays in the relationship?

[Melissa]

The friendship, to me, the fear is not. Is a word that I can't connect to. But I could see where if I was intimidated and wanted to avoid the drama of what Jen might do, you know what I'm saying? Like if Jen was a high maintenance friend or was in this group where we're all like, you know, we just kind of tolerate parts of her personality. But there's still, she's still a friend of ours. Like I could see where we would, we'd have around either because of the length of time we've been friends. You know, I think is has a lot to do with keeping somebody in a group of friends. But I think just avoiding the drama is more how I would see it. But I don't know if I'd be friends with somebody I was afraid of.

[Burt]

Based on the conversation I heard this weekend. It wasn't trying to avoid the drama. It was nervous that Jen would either start jacking with you or start jacking with your reputation to Wendy. So everybody in the circle would hate you also.

[Jen]

That's why they stay friends, is because she's fearful that the Jen is gonna take all of her friends away.

[Burt]

Right, right. I think, I mean, I don't know if there's anything physical there or if she would jack with her at work or anything like that.

[Jen]

She seems like the type of person that would be like this control freak anyway. And sometimes those people can be manipulative amongst groups of other people and very influential. Like if she's seen as like the leader of the group, then you might stay friends with that person because you know that everyone else will follow their lead, even though you don't really like them.

[Burt]

It was like an adult mean girls playing out in front of me. 404-741. Q100. Michelle here wants to be on the voice disguiser. Go ahead, Michelle.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi.

[Burt]

Hi. We can't recognize your voice. You're probably scared of your friend.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I'm afraid of losing my job, actually.

[Jen]

Okay. Your job?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I'm actually her manager at our workplace. And when I thought that we were friends, I confided in her about our regional manager embezzling money and being on drugs. And now that I found out the type of person that she is, and really she's a bad employee and she really needs to be fired, But I can't do that because I'm afraid she'll divulge the information that I gave her. Oh, wow.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

So I have to work with her. Well, she has to work for me every single day, and I have to put on this front for her. Like, we're friends, but.

[Jen]

But you're not.

[Burt]

All right, now, there's a little work element to that one. I'm wondering if there's anybody that. There's no work. You're just scared of this person. You're freaked out. So you won't break the friendship. Hey, Jade. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi. Mine's kind of the same. Similar situation is my friend and I have about 14 years. We work together in the same type of place, but different departments, and we go and hang out on the weekends and stuff. If I don't let her babysit my kid at least once a week, if I don't comment on her pictures on Facebook, if I don't basically kiss her butt every single day, bring her lunch and coffee, then she has threatened to go to our bosses and tell them things about my past, things about what I do on the weekends, things about my living situation. And I am. I really am scared to, like, befriend her. Even on Facebook.

[Burt]

Threatening you into your job?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, pretty much. She does have authority over me in the. In the department.

[Burt]

And this has gone on for 14 years.

[Caller/Guest]

We've been working in the same place for about almost six years. Yeah.

[Burt]

So before that, you would. Why didn't you be friend? Why did you just cut off the friendship?

[Caller/Guest]

Because, I mean, we were just in high school and middle school together, and then we both sort of got out, got the same type of job, and then that's where it basically escalated. And then, you know, Marriages, divorces, kids. Stuff happens.

[Melissa]

So you will put up with so much more from your friends, from you youth than you will a new friend.

[Burt]

Like, you don't want to believe that the two of you aren't the same people you were when you were kids.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

You have a loyalty to them.

[Burt]

Hey, Amanda. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Guest]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Good morning.

[Caller/Guest]

I totally. Everything you guys have said about them being control freaks and just having to have me into everybody's business is so right. I lived in a dorm last year, actually, and this girl just. She had to be the leader of the pack, the center of attention. She was really one of those people that you think, oh, they don't realize they're being mean, but she knew exactly what she was doing. And she, like, it was awful. And every. All the people in the dorm were scared of her. And I'm not even near her anymore. Like, she's in Alabama and I'm still scared to unfriend her anything, even on Facebook. She's just an awful person. She had, you know, if I talked like, I was friends with a guy that she liked and she. And I talked to him in passing one time and she like, blew up and told me she was gonna tell him that I was all this stuff that wasn't even true, and people. She's just. People were scared of her, and people still are. And she doesn't even live in that dorm anymore.

[Burt]

Psycho.

[Caller/Guest]

Wow. Yeah. The only thing I can think of is that she was an only child and she was the youngest of us. She was like 17, and we were all 19 and 20 in this. In this dorm, and she just. Guess she felt like she had to measure up, but she really is, like, I feel bad for her now, looking back on it, but I'm still scared of her.

[Jen]

We never leave the seventh grade.

[Burt]

Seriously.

[Jen]

I mean, it's like the same. That sounds exactly like you're talking about a seventh grade conversation.

[Burt]

You know, I could see this whole scenario playing out with that whole celebrity clique of the Paris Hiltons and the Kim Kardashians and all of them just hanging out with each other just because they're afraid of what they're going to do to each other.

[Melissa]

Right?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Just so much wasted energy, though.

[Burt]

Hey, sue, you're on the Voice Disguiser.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi. I maintain a friendship with a wretched, horrible, horrible human being of a woman because she knows I cheated on my husband and she will tell him because she's vindictive.

[Burt]

Has she threatened that with. With you or are you just assuming

[Caller/Guest]

that she hasn't threatened. But I have seen the way she is with other people who have crossed her or who let her down or anything like that. I mean, even with her own husband. She's just evil.

[Jen]

How often do you guys hang out?

[Caller/Guest]

We don't very often, thankfully, because we don't work in the same place anymore. So it's more email and phone calls and let's have lunch. And, you know, I can normally get out of lunch, but if I don't maintain contact with her, she'll just assume that I've blown her off, and I'm afraid she'll go off the deep end.

[Burt]

She would expose your affair to your husband.

[Caller/Guest]

Right. Wow,

[Jen]

that is wild.

[Burt]

Yeah. Guys handle this kind of thing so differently. I just don't even think it processes for us. And we certainly wouldn't be vindictive to another dude. I just don't think. We don't care.

[Caller/Guest]

I wouldn't want to be in that situation.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I don't.

[Burt]

I don't.

[Melissa]

It's foreign to me because I just can't. I don't have. I really am a lazy person. I don't have the energy to deal with that drama. I really. Maybe that's my laziness. There's an asset to that. It's an asset because I.

[Jen]

So you don't put up with this drama.

[Melissa]

I hang out with people I hate, you know, And I don't. Yeah, I just. Oh, I just can't do it.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm too lazy.

[Jen]

Get it?

[Burt]

The bird show.